Teacher's Pet - 3. Chapter 3

Josh had had an uncomfortable weekend. He had thought about what the headmaster had said to him, talked it over with friends, with his sister and had deconstructed every sentence a thousand times. He had done exactly the same with every conversation he could recall ever having had with Ash. He was pretty sure that they had never flirted, never crossed the line... pretty sure. Of course there had been the long silences and the stacked looks but that was Ash... it was the way he was with everyone... wasn’t it. Who knew what was going on behind those cold calm eyes?

He had justified himself over and over, even when there had been no need to and in the end he had come to wonder why? Why was it so important to convince everyone that he felt nothing but professional interest for Ash? Could it be because it wasn’t true? Could it be that, even though externally he had remained professional, inside, within his own mind, somewhere during those long conversations he had crossed the line... he was.... interested?

He had to admit that he enjoyed Ash’s company. It had been a long time since he had come across a mind so open, which walked the same paths as his own. They had covered every subject imaginable while Ash had worked steadily at his easel and Josh had pottered around doing whatever needed to be done. Together they had travelled to worlds unimaginable and he always kept up, if anything a step ahead. He had thought about things, deep thoughts about deep subjects. He was a surprise, no a shock. Behind that pretty face was a mind like a laser that questioned everything, cut through the crap to the heart of any and every subject and he fascinated Josh.

The fact that he was easy on the eyes was a help, how could he deny that? Ash was, quite simply, beautiful... but that was only a tiny part of him, nothing really compared to the beauty that was on the inside. Oh fuck. Now what? He couldn’t just walk away. He had to help Ash finish his work, see him through the exam and then... then he would be gone. In the meantime he would just have to keep a professional distance.

The problem was that, now the spotlight had been focussed on the situation, it was all he could think about, and the dreams...... How the hell was he going to be able to face Ash on Monday?

As the weekend wore on he became almost feverish with the anticipation. He was terrified and desperate in the same moment. He swung from a rabid desire to see him, just see him, hear his voice... to a cold certainty that he must never do that again. It was torture and it was ridiculous. Most of the time he spent lecturing himself about how stupid he was being. This was not real. It was something he was building up wholly in his mind for no reason other than that it had been created for him out of spite and prejudice by the stupid people who surrounded him. It was not real... but it was dangerous.

As Monday drew closer his self lecturing grew more intense and less effective. He barely slept on Sunday night and when he did he was prey to feverish dreams that left him shivering, sweating and... aroused in a way he had not been for a very long time. All in all it made for a very difficult night.

On Monday morning he dressed carefully, changed a dozen times... was this too casual? Was this too official? Was this too formal? In the end he had to fling on a shirt and casual slacks and run from the house as he was late, almost too late.

Because he was late he did not attend the usual morning meeting but went straight to his room and started laying out the equipment for the first class... which was second year art and truly only a step above nursery school.

During the class he was aware of some unusual activity but didn’t think anything of it and, to be honest he really didn’t have time to think at all. It was his busiest and most frustrating morning and it was with some relief that he cleared away the debris and started looking forward to the afternoon. First period was free and, after that it was the ‘A’ level students, which meant Ash. Thinking about it he reached for his cigarettes and lit one taking a long drag to calm his nerves. He noticed that his hand was shaking.

He jumped guiltily when the door opened and hid the cigarette behind his back. It was Ruth.

“Hi Ruth. You’re early. Class doesn’t start for...”

“It’s your fault. It’s all your fault. You did this.”

Josh was taken aback. Ruth was always a passionate young woman, wearing her heart on her sleeve but he had never seen her this angry, sparking with snapping ire. Taking a step back he raised a hand, smiling.

“What? What did I do?”

“Ash. If it hadn’t been for you, if it hadn’t been for what everyone was saying about you... If you hadn’t...”

“Ruth, slow down. I don’t understand. What’s happened? What’s wrong?”

“Don’t you know?”

“Know what?”

Ruth’s eyes widened, she was incandescent with rage. For a moment she could barely speak. She was so angry. Why was she so angry?

“Ash is in hospital. He was beaten up... badly.”

“What? When? I didn’t know.”

“No, of course not. No one would have told you. Not you. It’s all your fault. You did this.”

“Calm down Ruth. Tell me what happened.”

“Friday night. I went round to his place when we got back from the trip but he wasn’t there. His father got angry with him. He’d thought he was with us. He said that he’d get a right seeing to when he got home. He was supposed to go straight home from school.

“I looked in all the usual places and he wasn’t there. I had to get home. I didn’t look in the right place. If I’d had more time I would have found him. He fell asleep, up on the mountain. He didn’t wake up until it got dark. When he came down he walked into... whatever. They caught him on the road behind the school. He says he doesn’t remember. They hit him on the head with something and then kicked the hell out him.”

“Is he okay?”

“No... he’s not okay. Oh he’ll live. They kept him in over the weekend but I expect he’ll be home soon. He’s got some busted ribs, a cut on his leg, and on the back of his head and bruises all over. Hell he almost bled to death... there were puddles of his blood on the road, still are... but... it’s not that. It’s... he’s... he’s completely shocked. He never believed it would actually happen. He thought he would be able to handle himself, get out of trouble, he’s done it before... and he’s scared. His parents are asking questions... all the wrong kinds of questions... like why Ash? Why would this happen to our son?”

“And why did it happen? Why do you think it happened?”

“Because of you.”

“Me? I...”

“He’s a wonderful person, Mr Steerman. I know you know that. He’s beautiful all the way through. He doesn’t deserve this... any of it. It was bad before. They all tease him, always have. They have always mocked him, always taunted him... he’s used to that, up to it. He can give as good as he gets but... recently it’s been different. They are more... focussed. They say... they say that you are... that you and Ash... I don’t know if it’s true or not and it’s none of my business but you should know that Ash... he’s not as tough as he seems. He’s...”

“Ruth, I can assure you there is nothing going on between Ash and I, nothing. He has a wonderful gift, a rare talent. I wanted to help him... I want to help him to share that talent with the world. That’s the only interest I have in him.”

She gave him a thoughtful look, one that was at the same time pitying and calculating, biting her bottom lip and frowning slightly. Finally she said... slowly and thoughtfully...

“I believe that you believe that. I believe that you don’t want there to be anything between you, that you’ve tried not to cross the line but... No one can spend time with Ash and not fall in love with him... at least no one like me, no one like you. Ash does things to people, makes them believe in themselves, believe in him. I’ve seen it happen. When we’ve been out, in gay clubs, people flock to him, they worship him. He doesn’t look for it, tries to avoid it but it happens... everywhere.

“Ash seems so... certain, so sure of himself. He seems to be strong and brave... and he is but... he’s fragile too. I’ve seen it happen time and time again. He thinks he can handle it... the casual sex, the endless empty relationships but... every time, every single time it... it takes something away from him. He goes into it looking for something, knowing he isn’t going to find it and getting hurt when he doesn’t.

“He always goes for the shallow ones, the pretty ones, the ones everyone wants but only he can have. It’s a conquest thing... proving to himself he’s special, he’s desirable, he can do things other people can’t. But that’s not what he wants. People think he’s not clever, because he doesn’t do well in exams but they’re wrong... he is clever, more than that... he’s brilliant, he just gets bored, doesn’t try. He’s desperate for someone who is his equal, who understands him, who can appreciate more than his face, his body.”

“I can understand that.”

“I know you can, I know... and so does he.”

Josh took a mental step backwards, having to stop himself from throwing up his arms to ward off her words. “Are you trying to tell me that..?”

“That Ash has feelings for you? Of course he does. He lights up like a candle when he talks about you. He’s full of all the things you’ve taught him, all the conversations you have that he can’t have with anyone else. And I’m not the only person who’s noticed.”

“I see.”

“Do you? Do you really see? I wonder.”

“What are you trying to say Ruth? I’m not good with these games.” He was angry now, angry with the situation, with the direction in which the conversation was leading and how he was feeling. He was in total confusion. Totally shocked. He wanted to get away, to think, to work out what he felt, what all this meant for him.

“I don’t know what I’m trying to say and Ash would kill me if he knew I was talking to you like this but... He could have died. He was lucky, they said, lucky...can you believe it... lucky? They weren’t holding back, whoever did this. There was anger in what they did, pure violence. They didn’t try to rob him or threaten him... they just wanted to hurt him... why? Why now?

“He’s been different since you came, less angry, more thoughtful. He stopped hiding, stopped trying to be something other than he is. He stopped trying to be...” She paused then tilted her chin upwards, her eyes glittering. “Everyone noticed it... everyone, and not everyone was happy about it. In fact no one was happy about it. They should have been. I should have been but, in a way it... I don’t know... it meant he didn’t belong just to us any more. I could cope with knowing that other people were touching his body because I knew it didn’t mean anything but when someone started touching his mind...”

She stopped short, a look of shock coming into her eyes, as though she had never meant to say what she was saying, as if the very fact that she was doing it was shocking her. But she had gone too far to be able to stop now, and she finished breathlessly.

“You opened him up. You made him shine and there are a lot of people who don’t like to see other people shine, who get threatened when others are...happy. As soon as you started to make him like himself you marked him. You made him a target and from that moment this was inevitable. I know you didn’t mean to. I know you would never have hurt him deliberately but nevertheless... you did this... you did.”

“That’s ridiculous. All I did was help him. All I did was to make him see what was there, inside. I didn’t change him. ”

“Didn’t you?”

“No, I... “ Josh stopped and frowned, his mind in a whirl. Taking a deep breath he dropped the veneer of professionalism over the seething mass of confusion, anger and indecision that churned his mind. “Thank you Ruth. I appreciate your candour. I understand that it can’t have been easy for you to talk to me, that none of this has been easy on you. However, you are mistaken. There is nothing between Ash and I, never has been, never could be. I apologise if my interest in him has been misinterpreted, especially by him and I will speak to him about it, put it right but...”

“Please be careful. Don’t hurt Ash. He’s been hurt enough.” The anger had gone out of her. She looked wretched. She really cared for Ash, that much was clear and she had truly thought she was doing the right thing... in fact she looked as though she was doing the only possible thing she could have done. Her friend had been hurt and she had to protect him. She was just directing her anger at the wrong person.

“I won’t hurt him Ruth, I promise.” Even as he said it their eyes met and they both had the same thought... he meant the promise... right there and then he meant it but was it a promise that he was capable of keeping?

“You’d better not. There’s not much I can do to you but I will try. If you hurt him I will find a way to make you pay.”

“Ruth... I think you had better go now. Calm yourself before the lesson please. Remember I am still your teacher.”

“Yes, yes you are. Maybe you should try remembering it too.”

For a long time after she had gone he remained immobile staring at the door. Shit!

He was brought back to himself by the smell of burning. Remembering the cigarette which was still held in his hand he brought it around to find that it had burned away down to the filter and it was this which was now making the smell. Irritably he stubbed it out and strode from the room.

As he drove out of the gates he knew he shouldn’t be doing what he was about to do. It was wrong, it was foolish, it was dangerous... but he didn’t care... he could no more stop himself than make the wind blow backwards. Stopping at the school gates, preparing to turn down towards the road he looked up the other way; towards the woods...he couldn’t help himself. There were crowds of kids heading up that way and it made his stomach flip.

The hospital was only a few minutes away and he didn’t have time to think. He should have thought about it, thought it through. Now it was too late. He was standing outside a door and on the other side of it was real trouble. He should walk away... he should turn around and walk away...fast. What the hell had he been thinking about, coming here? This was wrong, inappropriate and... wrong...wrong...wrong.

Ash looked up when he opened the door and his eyes went wide. Thankfully there was no one else in the room. Josh hesitated, frozen. The moment stretched longer and longer with neither of them in a hurry to break it.

Ash was sitting up, a sketch book balanced on his knees. He was even paler than usual, the livid bruise on his cheekbone and down the side of his face standing out in obscene technicolour against his china pale skin.

“What the hell have you been doing to yourself?”

“What are you doing here?”

They spoke in almost the same moment and both grinned.

“I was told you wouldn’t be in class today so I thought I would come and find out why? What happened?”

“No idea. One minute I was on my way home wondering how the hell I was going to tell my father where I’d been for so long and the next...” He shrugged and winced.

“So you have no idea who attacked you?”

“None at all.”

“Are you sure?”

“I said no, didn’t I?” Ash was scowling now, looking stubborn and defensive.

“Okay... if that’s what you want.”

“It’s the way it is.”

“Are you okay?”

“Define okay.” He smiled again, his eyes lighting up. “I pretty much hurt everywhere. It’s the boredom that’s killing me though.”

“How long do you think you will have to be here?”

“What time is it?”

Josh checked his watch. “Twelve forty five.”

“Well... not that I’m desperate or anything but it’s five hours and fifteen minutes.” He grinned. “My Dad’s picking me up at six. I can’t wait.”

“Are you in a lot of pain?”

“Yeah, some. I’ve been pretty much out of it most of the time... still am... kind of. Thank God for Morphine eh?” Looking at him more closely Josh could see that his eyes were glazed, over bright, although he did not seem to be having too much trouble focussing his gaze intensely on Josh who began to feel uncomfortable under the spotlight. Ash smiled, as though he was very well aware of the effect he was having.

“What about when you get out of here?”

“I’m getting a ton of pills... could make a fortune on the black market.”

“You seem okay though... surprisingly so under the circumstances.”

“Yeah, I’m... okay.”

“How do you feel about it... what happened?”

“How do I... feel?” The smile disappeared and, for a moment he looked like a lost little boy, his eyes turning inwards before flicking back. “I feel... numb. I... um... I keep thinking about it, thinking about why... about... what they must have been feeling when... It’s hard to think that anyone could hate me that much.”

“They don’t hate you Ash. People like that are full of hate but it’s rarely directed at any individual. They store up the hate until an opportunity comes along to let it out and then it’s just a matter of being in the wrong place at the wrong time and ... bang... it could have been anyone.”

“No... no I don’t think so... not anyone.”

“Ash... if you know something about this you should tell someone. If you have any idea who did this to you... they could do it again... they will do it again if they get away with it. They deserve to be punished.”

“I know. I know they do and... and if I... if...” Josh was appalled when, half way through the sentence his voice cracked and he began to cry.

“Ash, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to put pressure on you. I know you’ll do what’s right.”

Ash lowered his head, his hair falling like a silk screen, cutting him off... from Josh, from the world. After a few moments, when the sobs started to well up he groaned, wrapping his arms around himself and then turned painfully onto his side, curling up.

Josh was alarmed, not knowing what to do. The sobs, huge and wracking, seeming to be torn from his very soul, were clearly hurting him. Should he call someone? In a panic he opened the door and, as luck would have it, a nurse was passing in the corridor outside.

“Please... I... don’t know if I should... if there’s anything... We were just talking about what happened and he just... broke up. He seems to be in a lot of pain.”

The nurse looked past him and then smiled, putting a hand on his arm. “This is a good thing. He’s been so... contained; shut away. He won’t speak about what happened to anyone and he hasn’t shed a tear. It's not natural, not right. He’s been needing to do this for a long time. Don’t worry.”

“But he’s in pain.”

“A little pain on the outside is worth it if it releases the pain on the inside.”

“What can I do to help?”

“You’ve already helped. Go and comfort him. Just be there. He’s obviously close to you, trusts you. Just be there for him, that’s enough.”

When she had gone Josh felt incredibly alone and very awkward. He had no idea what to do. He wasn’t used to this kind of desperate outpouring of emotion. Sitting down uncomfortably on the very edge of the bed he put his hand on Ash’s shoulder and Ash jumped as if he had struck him. Gasping with pain and confusion he made a huge attempt to pull himself together.

“It’s alright Ash. It’s okay. Just let it all out. It’s not good to hold this kind of thing inside you. I’ll be here.”

“I... I... They just... just... and I couldn’t... I tried but... but I... I couldn’t.”

“It’s okay... it’s okay. It’s over now. You’re safe. You’re going to be okay.”

Still sobbing Ash shook his head and turned it into the pillow, his face twisting. “No... Nothing’s okay, nothing. They’re right. I... I’m a freak and now everyone knows and...”

“NO! Don’t say that. Don’t ever say that. You are not a freak. You are strong and brave and talented and beautiful. You are better than them... better than this. You are special Ash, so very special; don’t let those assholes spoil that.”

Ash tuned his head to look at him, confusion replacing pain on his features. “Special? Do you... do you mean that?”

“Of course I do. You have a talent Ash, a wonderful talent that makes you special. You could do so much with that talent... change the world.”

“Is that all?”

“What do you mean?” There was something strange in his eyes now, a terrible intensity as though he were fighting with something within. For a moment he looked as though he were about to say something then he shook his head.

“Nothing. It doesn’t matter. Nothing matters really. It’s over.”

“What’s over?”

“I can’t go back, not now. I’ll go and work in the factory until I can get enough money and then I’m out of here, away from all those assholes. I can’t do this to myself any more.”

“Ash... don’t make decisions like that right now, not when you’re feeling so low, when you’re not yourself.” He stared at me, his eyes burning.

“Not myself. What do you know about that? When am I ever myself? I haven’t been myself for so long I don’t know who ‘myself’ is any more.”

“Ash...” Josh was floundering, he knew it but he had no idea what to say to him.

“No... you don’t understand. You have no idea. I.... I have had to hide who I am, what I am for so long... I have to pretend to be ‘normal’ to be ‘ordinary’. I have to pretend all the boring crap interests me. I have to pretend I am not disgusted by the narrow minded stupidity I see around me the whole time... in school, at home, everywhere. I have to pretend that I am thick or I get accused of being a ‘big head’. I have to pretend to be interested in rugby and drinking or I get accused of being a ‘pussy’ or a ‘fag’. I have to pretend not to care about my art, not to care that I am never going to get the chance to do anything with it. My whole life is a pretence, built on a tissue of lies... and I haven’t even touched on the biggest one.”

He was rocking back and forth, holding himself against the pain, his eyes flashing, the drugged glaze overlaid with sparkling tears.

“Oh God Ash... I’m sorry... I’m so sorry.”

“Sorry? What for?”

“This IS my fault. I didn’t understand but now I think I do. I showed you a different world didn’t I? I showed you another way... and I did change you. I made you not want to live the lie any more. I made you wake up, to see all the lies for what they are. I made you different. I did this to you.”

Ash’s eyes went wide and he shook his head. Reaching out he grabbed Josh’s hand. Josh’s first instinct was to pull it away but suddenly Ash looked so... fragile, so vulnerable, so hurt... he didn’t have the heart.

“NO. That’s not true. Ruth said that but it’s not true. Yes, you opened my eyes. Yes you made me wake up and see what was happening to me. Yes, you helped me to see that I was losing myself but that’s not a bad thing. I was dying inside, disappearing. I... was searching for something I was never going to find. You didn’t make me like I am. You didn’t make me stupid. You didn’t make me stand up to them, you didn’t make me cocky and arrogant, thinking I could take it, that I could handle them. You didn’t make me so angry I wanted to fight and most of all... you certainly didn’t make me gay. “ Josh thought ‘He does know who did this... he does know’, but he didn’t say anything, letting Ash continue. Now that he had started, now that the boil had been lanced, there was no stopping until it was all out, all the poison, the foulness.

“None of this is your fault. None of it. Maybe... maybe if you hadn’t come into my life I would have drifted through school and out the other side without any of this... maybe I would have got a job in the factory, settled down... kind of. Maybe I would have been happy... after a fashion... but I wouldn’t have been me. The real me, the person I am inside, would have got smaller and smaller until it died. I would have ended up sad and alone, or even worse, with someone I could never love, never be myself with.

“I am glad this happened GLAD. Because now there is no going back, no pretending any more. I can’t let myself die inside like that. I can’t keep pretending, keep settling for shallow gratification. I have to be me. It’s on the surface now... that’s what you did. You found me and brought me to the surface and now it’s all I can be.” He sighed and let his head fall back on the pillows, his eyes closed. For a moment I thought he had passed out.

“Ash, are you alright?”

“I’m fine. Just... tired.”

“Maybe I should go.” Ash’s hand clenched on his, holding on desperately.

“No... not yet. I... no, maybe you... I don’t...” He sighed again, licking his lips. Josh pulled his hand away, gently but firmly, afraid of the way he was feeling.

Although he was unresisting when Josh pulled away Ash opened his eyes looking startled and completely spaced out. His eyes were swollen from crying and looked bruised, the pupils wide.

“What...? What’s...?”

“Ash, are you okay? You seem... I don’t know... kind of spaced out.”

“Oh... yeah.” He was silent for a while and, again Josh thought he had fallen asleep.

“Ash?”

“Huh? Oh... sorry. It’s the drugs... the morphine. It’s on a kind of time delay. When it first hits it wipes me for a bit. I’m... sorry.”

“No problem. I should be going anyway. I have to get back to school, I have classes.”

Ash was clearly having trouble keeping focussed. His eyes were glassy and he had to blink repeatedly to keep them steady on him. “Will you... will come to my house... later.”

“What? I don’t...”

“Bring my stuff... my work. I want to... finish. Want to do the exam.”

“Oh... right. Okay. I can do that.”

“Josh...” He couldn’t keep his eyes open any longer and let them close with a certain finality.

“It’s alright. Don’t worry. Don’t worry about anything. Just relax and get better. I’ll come and bring your things tonight. Maybe you’ll feel more up to talking then.” There was no response and Josh sighed, staring down at the sleeping form. He was lost and confused, didn’t know what to think any more. In one way it would be easy to walk away, run away. Ash had said he wouldn’t be coming back to school so all he needed to do was walk out the door and never look back. He could send Ash’s stuff with Ruth and he would never have to see him again. If he did send Ruth then Ash would know, he would know why.

In one way it would be so easy and yet... and yet... Without conscious thought or design his hand reached out and touched the soft hair, gently stroked the velvet skin, his fingers lingering over the dark purple stain on his cheek. Ash sighed and stirred, murmuring something in his sleep. He was so... so beautiful. Josh was caught, completely unable to look away. The touch became a caress and his fingers buried themselves in the coal black hair.

Ash turned his head towards the touch and his eyes fluttered open. A shock passed through Josh like a bolt of electricity. Ash smiled and his eyes closed again. As though released from a spell Josh jerked away his hand and jumped to his feet. Ash didn’t stir again and Josh did not dare another glance at him, turning swiftly to slip out of the door.

That afternoon passed so... so slowly. Fortunately he made it back to school before his first class and his absence was not missed, or at least not commented on. He was tidying away the last of the detritus of the day when the door opened. Josh looked up.

“Oh. Good afternoon Mr Hendicott. Is there something I can help you with?”

“I suppose you’ll have heard the news by now... about Ashley.”

“Yes. Ruth told me.” Josh was instantly on the defensive, narrowing his eyes slightly. ‘Yes’, he thought, ‘Ruth told me...and why was that...when it should have been you?’

“It was a terrible shock... a terrible thing.”

“Yes... yes it was.” There was something coming. Josh could feel it, see it behind the headmaster’s eyes and he became even more defensive.

“Perhaps it was for the best. I understand that Ashley will not be coming back to school. I believe that his examination pieces are almost complete and can be handed in as they are. It will mean that you do not have to have any further contact with Mr Leonard and the rumours can finally be laid to rest. It seems as if this unfortunate event has got you out of a difficult situation.”

Josh stared at him, barely able to comprehend what he was saying. Was he really trying to suggest that he should be pleased about what happened to Ash? Was he trying to tell him to be grateful to the bastards who hurt him?

“I think that Ash might disagree with you on that one.”

“I am sure that he would, and I am not suggesting that this is something that should be taken lightly or welcomed in any way. It was an abhorrent act but... “

“But nothing. It was an abhorrent act... period. And I am not going to be happy or grateful that someone being hurt got me out of a tight corner I should never have been put into in the first place. This whole thing has been ridiculous from the start and neither Ash nor I should have been placed in that position because of the sick prejudices of small minded people. You, as headmaster, have a responsibility to everyone in your school to be protected from that. You failed us.”

The headmaster widened his eyes, peering at Josh with the steely eyed look that no longer had any power over him.

“Failed you? I can assure you that I have bent over backwards to protect you from those... small minded people. I have had everyone from parents to governors to other members of staff baying for your blood... since before you even came here. Yes, many of the people in the valleys are... conservative and in some ways narrow minded but they are the ones who send their children to the school.

“You must understand Mr Steerman that things are very different here than in London. We are, perhaps less liberal, more set in our ways. Although it may not be fair, and it may not be politically correct the people here have certain... pre conceptions about certain types of people and if you happen to fall into one of those categories you start off with your back against the wall. It is up to you to prove yourself, to be, as it were, whiter than white. So far the feeling is that you have been going out of your way to do the opposite, to trample over the sensibilities of all those around you.”

“What? ‘certain types of people’??? ‘whiter that white’??? Would you say that to me if I were black? Would you dare to say any of it to me in writing..? I would love it if you did. I am sure my lawyers would have a field day. And I’m sorry if I am stamping over the ‘sensibilities’ of the prejudiced bigots who inhabit this unhappy place but I’m sorry I am not going to crawl back into the closet just to please them.

“I don’t know if you’ve heard the phrase headmaster but I have a feeling you are going to a lot in the near future... I’m queer, I’m here, get used to it. I suggest you acquaint the rest of your friends with the concept because you are going to have to get used to it and from now on I am going to be rubbing it into their faces at every opportunity.”

Mr Hendicott frowned, narrowing his eyes and shaking his head slightly. “That would be very... unwise.”

“Really? So you are suggesting that I just lie down and take it? That I should allow myself to be cowed and dictated to by prejudice? Again, I would suggest you put that in writing. In fact perhaps you would put it all in writing in order that I can take legal advice. It seems is if I am going to be needing it.”

The narrowed eyes widened again at the mention of ‘legal advice’ and he smiled, his manned changing. “Now, now Josh, there’s no need for this kind of talk. I have already told you that I have been fighting your corner and I will continue to do so. I am merely asking you to meet me half way, to be aware of what you’re up against and to not put ammunition into the hands of your enemies.”

“Wow. I’ve been here one term and already I have enemies... that’s a record even for me. I hear your words headmaster and I am grateful for your support. Now, if you don’t mind I would like to get out of here. I have important business to take care of this evening.”

“Just think about what I’ve said... and remember that, no matter what you think, I am on your side.”

“Great.”

When the headmaster had gone Josh reached again for the cigarette packet and was surprised to find that there were only two left. So much for giving up although, to be fair, he hadn’t actually smoked the last couple. He lit one and, drawing on it, wandered over to the easel in the corner, where he had already neatly stacked Ash’s best work. He stood for a moment smoking and staring at the painting. It really was incredibly good. The angel was exquisite, ephemeral and ghostly but substantial enough to be able to make out every detail, every feature.

Josh frowned. There had always been something about the angel that bothered him, something he had never been able to put his finger on. He pinched his lower lip and his frown deepened. The sun was shining through the window behind him, catching the angel’s incandescent wings, its long flowing hair, its shining robes, its sad, serene features. Josh leaned forwards staring at the angel. Oh no. Oh hell. No wonder the angel had always bothered him. He should have looked at it more closely sooner. If he had he would have seen his own face stare calmly back.

With a groan he flicked his cigarette through the open window onto the flower bed below. Taking the painting gently down from the easel he tucked it into a padded folio case along with the other paintings in the pile. He then packed a bag with various art supplies... paint, palette, brushes etc and folded up the easel. Barely able to carry them all he staggered out to his car and stored them in the boot.

As he shut the car door he took a look around and it felt like a goodbye. That surprised him because, until that moment he had intended to fight all the way to keep this job... he still did, it was just... just... He sighed and got into the car.