Teacher's Pet - 7. Chapter 7

When Mr Hendicott went back to school he did not speak to Josh, did not mention to him that he had been to see Ash. If he had maybe things would have turned out differently. Josh had no idea that anything had happened, no idea at all... not until he got home.

He knew as soon as he reached the front door that something was wrong. He knew because the door was open, only slightly but nevertheless...

“Ash..?”

Somehow he didn’t expect an answer and, when he ran up the stairs he expected the bedroom to be empty, which it was.

Bursting into the living room he found it unusually empty, as if someone had stolen something from it, even thought all the ‘things’ were still there... all except one bag, one that hadn’t even been there the day before. Staring around in a panic he noticed something propped up on the mantle, a piece of paper with his name on it.

Ash’s writing was like the rest of him; delicate, well formed and artistic... at least it started out that way, deteriorating as it progressed down the page as though he was losing control as he wrote it.

Josh

I’m so sorry I hurt you, I never meant to. I didn’t know I was being so bad, doing so much harm. I am not sure if you will get to read this, I can’t remember what they said happened to you, I hope it’s not too bad and that you will be able to forgive me because honest to God I never meant to hurt you.

Mr Hendicott told me that I should go home. I told him that I would. Please tell him I am sorry I lied. I can’t go home Josh, you know that, you know why, and I hope you also know why I lied. I’m not a liar.

He said that I was hurting my mother and father, I am really sorry about that. I never wanted to hurt anyone. I can’t stay and go on hurting everyone around me. I can’t do that any more. I’m sorry, I really am.

I thought that you loved me, or at least that you could love me. I know I love you. I didn’t realise it was so wrong, that I am so bad. He said I am selfish and I suppose he’s right. I didn’t think about what this would mean for you, only about me. Oh God Josh I hope they’re not hurting you, not like they hurt me. I couldn’t bear that. I keep thinking over and over but I can’t remember what they said. I don’t know if they hurt you, if you are in prison, or even if you are still alive. I hope so.

I so hope that you will read this and that you will be alright, that’s all that means anything to me any more. Please remember me as an artist, and someone who truly loved you, and not as some silly kid who almost ruined your life. I want you to have my work, my paintings, they’re no good to me now and there’s no point entering them for the exam. You may have noticed, the angel is you anyway. That’s how you were to me, my shining angel.

Hey, this is starting to sound like a suicide note, and it isn’t. I don’t know where I am going to go or what I am going to do, but I won’t kill myself, that would be silly, even more silly than I have already been. I’ll be alright, I’m sure I’ll be alright, at least I think I will. It's hard to be sure of anything. I think I’m sick because, well you don’t want to know that do you. But I’m going to be alright. I’m fairly sure of it.

I have to be on my own. I realise that now. I didn’t believe him when he said it, the man in the dream, the one I thought was you. I didn’t want to believe him but he was right, not about the part where he was going to kill me but about being selfish and having to be alone. It’s a bit scary. I’ve never been completely on my own before but I suppose it’s better. I can’t hurt anyone when I am on my own, only me and that doesn’t matter.

I’m going now. I love you

Ash

As he read and re read the letter Josh went through a range of emotions. Shock, anger, fear, pain, concern and, ultimately complete panic.

When he read that Mr Hendicott had been to see Ash he became incredibly angry. What had he said to make Ash feel like this, to do something like this? Clearly Ash was out of his mind... whether because of the medication or because of the fever... how could Hendicott not have seen that? How could he have said whatever it was he said to Ash, driving him away when he could see...?

Crumpling the letter into an angry fist he grabbed his coat and strode from the house. It was no good wondering. He was going to find out.

It was afternoon break by the time he got back to the school and he went straight to the headmaster’s office and walked straight in without knocking. Mr Hendicott was on the telephone and he took it out of his hand and hung up.

“What did you do?”

“Josh. What the hell do you think you are doing? That was an important call.”

“Not as important as this. What did you do?”

“What are you talking about?”

“You went to see Ash.”

“Ah... he told you. I thought he would have gone before you got home. He’s a foolish boy.”

“You have no idea.”

Josh took the crumpled paper from his pocket and threw it at him.

“What’s this?”

“Read it.”

Mr Hendicott took the paper suspiciously and glanced at it. He then read it more carefully, and then read it again.

“What does it mean? It doesn’t make sense.”

“It means that you drove a sick boy out of the only place he felt safe. I don’t know what you said to him but you made him feel that this was all his fault, that he had done a bad thing, that he is a bad person. You drove him away. Where do you think he’s going to go?”

“I told him to go home, to his family.”

“Did you take time to check on that? Did you think for one moment that he might not feel he was able to do it?”

“I... I told him that I had spoken to his father, that his mother was hurting. I thought that he would have known them well enough to be able to...”

“Or known them well enough not to. I can’t believe that you would have done this. What were you thinking of? What the hell did you tell him?”

“Only that by continuing the relationship he would have been risking your job, your career... that you would have lost everything.”

“And that it was all his fault.”

“Not exactly.”

“You scared the hell out of him. He thinks I’m in prison... or worse.”

“I swear Josh, I never told him that. It’s ridiculous. Surely he would have realised that...”

“Sir, with the greatest of respect; Ash is not well. He’s been through a lot. He’s in a lot of pain, taking serious medication and when he woke up this morning he was feverish. I was going to get the doctor to check on him this afternoon. He’s not thinking clearly, not in his right mind. He’s obviously got things mixed up in his head, confused everything you told him. Couldn’t you tell he was ill, that wasn’t understanding?”

“I... no. He seemed fine.”

“How could he possibly have seemed fine?”

“Well... he did take a long time to answer the door, he was certainly in pain but he was lucid, he told me he understood...”

“He also told you he was going to go home. He asked me to apologise to you for that. Well, I don’t think it’s Ash who needs to be apologising.”

“I still think it was the right thing to do. Okay... okay, maybe I could have been more sensitive, I could have made sure he was alright, that he was going home but...”

“How the hell can you say that? Don’t you care? Don’t you appreciate what’s happened, what you’ve done?”

“Calm down Josh. We’ll get this sorted. We’ll find Ashley, get him back home to his parents. He’ll be alright.”

“No. No, I don’t think so. I think you’ve done enough, more than enough. Even if Ash had been okay, what you did was unforgivable. He didn’t deserve that. Talk about taking advantage of your power and influence over a vulnerable person... you make me sick.”

“Be careful Joshua. You have been skating on thin ice for some time. I have given you a lot of leeway because I understood that this was a difficult situation but there is only so much I am prepared to take from you.”

“Fuck you. Let me tell you what you have taken from me... the best thing that ever happened to me, that’s what. You made me doubt him. You made me fight what I felt about him. You made me wonder if it was wrong; believe that it was. But it isn’t. It isn’t wrong. The fact is... I’m in love with him and I am NOT going to lose him.”

“Josh, this is ridiculous. I appreciate...”

“No, you don’t appreciate anything, you don’t understand anything. Ash is not a child, not just another student. He is a person. He is a beautiful, wonderful person, the love of my life. And I will not lose him.”

“Josh, think about what you’re saying...”

“NO. I’ve thought too much for too long. You made me doubt... myself, Ash, everything but there is no doubt. He loves me and I love him and that’s all there is to it. Ok, I get that it is inappropriate that I have a relationship with my student, but only as long as I am his teacher... so from this moment on that is no longer the case. Just so that there is no doubt in your mind, none at all... you take your job and stuff it so far up that tight ass of yours that it chokes you. I quit.”

“Josh. For the love of God, think about what you’re doing. If you quit now you’ve lost everything. There will be no references, your reputation...”

“Do you think I care? Do you really think I give a shit about the job, the reputation, any of it? You just don’t understand. Jobs come and go, reputations are made and lost but someone like Ash is once in a lifetime. A love like his may never come into my life again. He’s simply the best thing that has ever happened to me and the only way I am going to lose everything is if I lose him. So... I quit.”

“You have a notice period...”

“I’m on probation which means that either of us is free to terminate the contract without notice.”

“Josh... please...”

“I’m sorry, I don’t have time for this.”

“Can’t we just talk this through?”

“You still don’t understand do you? Have you read the note? He’s talking about some guy who tried to kill him in a dream. He’s so confused he can’t remember if someone told him I was in prison... or dead. He’s out of his mind. Can you begin to imagine what he is thinking? And that’s without the fact that he is in pain. You didn’t see him yesterday. He’s in so much pain he can barely walk. Where the hell is he? What is he going through? I can’t stay here.”

As if voicing his thoughts made them real a wave of real terror swept over him and he almost ran from the room.

“Wait.”

“I can’t. I have already waited too long.”

“Look... you don’t know the area, you don’t know Ashley. You have no idea where to look.” Josh stopped and turned, his eyes blazing and heart pounding.

“Alright. You tell me... where do I start?”

“We start by talking to his friends, the people who know him best. Wait here and I will have Ruth and Judith brought out of classes.”

“I can't just sit...”

“It will do you no good to rush out there blindly with no idea where to go, where to look. It’s hammering with rain and there’s a storm brewing. Take some time now to get as much information as you can and it will pay dividends in the end.”

“Okay, you win. I’ll wait. Go get them.”

****

When Ash left he had no idea where he was going to go. All he knew was that he had to get out of the house, fast. He didn’t really have a clear idea why. It had something to do with Josh being in trouble. Maybe he was in trouble too; maybe someone was coming for him. He had found his bag and managed to get dressed but it had exhausted him and by the time he walked through the front door he was so light headed he couldn’t see straight.

Keeping close to the wall he wandered down the street with no clear plan, in no particular direction. The weather had changed and it was overcast and chilly but he hadn’t brought a coat because he was so hot. Now he began to regret it because he was getting cold but he couldn’t be bothered to go back and get one.

After a time he began to notice that people were staring at him and it bothered him. It made him think that they all knew what he had done. He began to wonder if one of them was the person who was coming for him. He couldn’t remember why they were coming for him any more; he just knew he had to get away from them. For some reason it was really important that no one knew where he was.

Once that idea occurred to him he realised that he should get off the streets and he turned to the one place he really knew, that he felt comfortable in... the woods, the mountains. He wasn’t as familiar with the mountains here, where Josh lived, as he was with those behind his home and the school but they were all part of the same range. When he climbed up the mountain and felt it’s heartbeat under his feet everything would be alright.

Getting to the mountain was harder than he had thought. He was not able to climb over fences like he had been, it was just too painful, and so he had to stumble along the edge of the woods, tripping over scrub and debris, until he found a path that led upwards onto the mountain. It was a rough track and not easy to traverse, especially as it was steep in places and he was really in no condition to be mountain climbing. His leg was bleeding again and it was teeth clenchingly painful.

The third time he fell he couldn’t get up again and sank onto the path, rubble sticking into his sore ribs, with no energy to move. Staring at the stones and grass in front of his eyes, the trees a few feet away, he wondered if it was the last thing he was going to see and closed his eyes with a smile on his face.

It was the rain that woke him. It was hammering down, pounding his body with slivers of ice. It was so bad he couldn’t see the trees any more and there was a small river running past his face. Somehow he managed to haul himself to his knees and, after crawling to the side of the track, hauled himself to his feet using a tree as support. The cold rain had brought him back to his senses somewhat and he realised that he needed to find shelter.

Peering up and down the track he got an idea of where he was and had a vague recollection of a derelict hut, some way along the track, up towards the top of the mountain. This was a fairly well used path that led, eventually to a pretty spectacular waterfall and, at one time had been maintained by the forestry who had built a stone hut for use by their workers who patrolled the area, maintained the path etc. Lack of funds had removed the workers decades before but the hut remained although it had been abandoned by all but the usual societal detritus and the ever present sheep.

Somehow he managed to drag his battered body from tree to tree along the side of the path, working his way upwards until a large grey shape loomed out of the rain. The hut was small but solidly built. The door was hanging off its hinges and, inside it smelled of urine and sheep faeces but the roof was intact and it was dry. The single window was boarded up and so, when the door was pulled to it was almost completely dark.

By the time he had secured the door Ash was completely exhausted. Shivering and soaked to the skin, he could do nothing but sink down onto the cold stone floor, his back propped against the wall and surrender to the darkness that was closing in from the inside as well as the outside. It did occur to him briefly that he should try and get warm, find dry clothes but, when he realised he had lost his bag he gave up and allowed himself to sink into oblivion.

****

“He’ll head for the mountain.”

“Are you sure?”

“I know Ash. It’s where he always goes when he’s upset or hurt, or when he wants to think.”

“I don’t think he’s capable of climbing a mountain.”

“You’d be surprised what Ash is capable of if he wants it enough.”

“Maybe, but he is simply not physically capable of scrambling over roots and through trees right now, especially not in this weather. It’s dry at the moment but there’s been one hell of a storm going on out there this morning.”

“There are quite a few tracks and paths that he could probably manage.”

“Are you sure? Are you absolutely sure?”

“Where else would he go? If it’s like you said and he’s ill, confused then he is going to go for what he knows and there is nowhere he feels safer, more comfortable, than up on the mountains.”

“Alright, we’ll start with the mountains then. Bear in mind that he was starting from my house how many places are there he might have gone?”

“Quite a few. There’s both sides don’t forget. He’s been wandering these mountains since he was eight... he knows them all pretty well.”

“Okay... this time is a bit difference in that he knows he’s going to be there for more than a couple of hours. He’s going to be heading for shelter. Does that narrow it down?”

“A bit. There are still a lot of places. Most of these mountains have forestry land on them so they are peppered with huts. Then there are tunnels that have something to do with the railway that used to go right through the mountain, and then there are the abandoned mine buildings, and that’s without the caves.”

“Great. It will take forever to search them all.”

“We could split up.”

“Even so... We’re going to need help.”

“I’m sure we could get some of our friends to help. And Ash’s dad and brother know the mountains, and Ash, better than anyone else... they’ll know where to look.”

“Yeah... I’m not sure they are going to want to... they had a falling out yesterday which is why he was staying with me in the first place.”

Ruth stared at Josh, as if he had grown two heads. “He’s his Dad. Whatever might have happened yesterday he’s not going to just turn his back on Ash. Go ask him.”

“I don’t think that would be a good idea.”

“If you want to find Ash it's a good idea.” For a moment Josh looked at his hands. He was not relishing the thought of facing Mr Leonard again but he realised that she was probably right and even if she wasn’t he owed it to Ash to try.

“Fair point. Okay...You go and round up as many friends as you can. Start behind the school and work your way back towards my house. I’ll see what Mr Leonard is prepared to do and we’ll start at my house and work back. If we don’t have any luck we can all move on from there.”

“Do you think we should call the police?”

“If we don’t have any luck by tonight maybe... for now... I think that it would be best to keep it among ourselves. It would scare the hell out of Ash if he was found by the police.”

“Okay. Well... we’d better get going. It looks like it is going to rain again soon.”

As he walked towards Ash’s house it seemed as though the universe was reflecting Josh’s mood. The sky had drawn in and was hanging, black and heavy over the dull grey houses. Spatters of rain were already striking the pavement, splashing in the puddles caused by the earlier downpour, and a chill wind was sweeping down over the mountains. Bleak... that is how Josh would have described it, if he had been paying any attention to it at all.

At first he thought that no one was going to answer the door. He knocked for a good couple of minutes. The thought did cross his mind that no one was home and he racked his brain trying to remember what hours Ash’s father and brother worked at the factory, he knew it was shifts. In the end he heard someone moving about inside and continued his hammering with renewed vigour.

Finally the door was thrown open by a dishevelled and already angry looking Mr Leonard. When he saw who was on his doorstep he looked as though he were about to ignite and tried to slam the door in his face.

“Wait... wait please. Ash is in trouble. Serious trouble... he needs help... please.” Josh jammed his foot in the door and desperation gave him the strength he would not otherwise have had to force it open again.

“Ash made his bed and now he can lie in it... with you.”

“Please... Ash has run away. He’s hurt and ill and I’m afraid for him.”

Mr Leonard hesitated. “Run away. From who? From what?”

“Look... I could go into the detail but it would take too long. He left a note. It’s clear he’s not in his right mind. He has a fever, he’s ill. Ruth thinks he may have gone up the mountain. We need help to look.”

For a long hot moment the two men stared at each other, hostility, anger, fear and desperation hanging like a miasma in the air between them. Then Mr Leonard nodded shortly.

“I’ll get Declan up. He knows Ash inside out, he’ll know where to look. Wait here.”

“I can’t. I have to go. I’ll look for the first access to the mountain from my house and follow it from there. Give me your mobile number; I’ll call you if I find anything. Ruth has mine and she will call me if she comes up with something.”

Reluctantly Mr Leonard fished out his mobile and gave Josh the number which he programmed into his own phone. He then sent Mr Leonard a text so that he would have his number too and, even before he had finished sending it he was running for home.

When he arrived at his house Josh stood at the front door and wondered which way to turn. Which way would Ash have gone? Which way?

In the end he got fed up of the procrastination and just began to walk. He kept walking until he came to the end of the street and then he paused. If he turned right the road took him down towards the river and, beyond that, to the mountain. He could see that here it was steep and thickly wooded with the spiky evergreens favoured by the forestry commission in this part of Wales. It would be difficult for anyone to get up onto the mountain here, let alone someone in Ash’s condition. And yet... if he was alone and afraid, hurt and upset wouldn’t he have been drawn that way?

As he turned to walk down to the river the sky rumbled and growled and the raindrops grew fatter. While he was crossing the bridge the world was briefly lit by a flash of lightening and a few seconds later the thunder cracked and the rain began to fall in earnest. Just great!

After crossing the river Josh had no idea where to go. He wandered along the far bank staring at the unbroken barrier of the trees. It was impossible. Ash could never have climbed the fence and, even if he had he would not have been able to duck through the branches of the trees. He stopped, frustration and helplessness crippling him.

In another illuminating flash Josh thought he saw something, a break in the trees, and he headed towards it as the world cracked apart and a rumbling crescendo of sound came tumbling down the mountain in an avalanche of sound, almost stopping his heart. Gritting his teeth he pressed on.

The break turned out to be a rough track. It was steep, strewn with rubble and overgrown. It would not be easy to walk and would surely have seemed an impossible climb to Ash... surely.

Again Josh was paralysed with indecision. If he followed the path and it took him nowhere, he would have wasted precious time. On the other hand it was the first possible access to the mountain he had come across in over half an hour searching.

But what if Ash had gone the other way? His common sense said that if that had been the case then one of the others would find him, but his fear wasn’t listening and held him immobile in a grip of iron.

Finally he made up his mind and took a step towards the path. At once, as though released from stasis, his body started to run. Heart pounding and legs pumping he fought through the rain and the pull of the steep slope.

He kept on running as the slope kept getting steeper, his heart thumping and his chest burning. Lightening flashed and thunder cracked and rolled rumbling down into the valley to be caught and tossed about by the looming mountains.

Josh was about three quarters of the way to the top and rapidly running out of steam when his foot caught on something soft, made invisible by the darkened sky and the sleeting rain. Falling heavily he rolled to one side, cursing and rubbing an ankle twisted in the fall and now complaining bitterly. He regretted that he had not thought to change before fleeing headlong into the mountains, and in particular having not put on hiking boots. The shoes he was wearing were ill equipped for these conditions, slipping and sliding on a road rapidly turning into a mud slide.

Groping about for what had tripped him he intended to fling it away from him in anger. However, when he finally found it his anger died instantly replaced by a more indefinable feeling, as his questing fingers found cloth and a strap. Pulling it towards him he hugged it to his chest, burying his face in the folds, breathing in the sweet familiar scent of the clothes inside. For a moment he was overwhelmed with emotion and all he could do was sit there and sob.

Very quickly, now that he was immobile, he started to get cold and it was this that brought him out of his reverie. He climbed heavily to his feet, his ankle complained but not too loudly. Peering into the darkness of the rain soaked afternoon he strained his eyes but saw nothing.

“Ash... Ash!” His voice was snatched by the wind, swallowed by the rain. It carried no more than a few feet and he looked around wildly. Why had Ash left his bag here? Had he plunged into the forest, or carried on along the track? What should he do? What should he do?

A sudden blast of music startled him and that was the first time he remembered his mobile phone. It was Mr Leonard, but he didn’t give him a chance to speak, to say why he was telephoning.

“I’ve found his bag... a moment ago, here on the side of the track. I can’t see Ash but he must have come this way.”

“Where are you?”

“I’m not sure. It’s a track on the far side of the river, near my place, about a quarter mile up the valley.”

“It’s the old forestry track up to the waterfalls. Ash knows it. There’s a beaten up stone shack near the top of the mountain. It’s poor shelter but, if he could, Ash would have headed there out of the rain.”

“Right. I’m on my way. Meet me there.”

“I’ll send Ruth and the others to our place, they can wait there in the warm.”

“Whatever. Please hurry. I have a feeling I am not going to be able to get him down on my own.”

“We’ll be there in twenty minutes or so.”

“Hurry. Please hurry.”

Contact with another human being stirred him on and he stumbled up the steepening slope through the sleeting rain.