A Lens That's Black and White - 5. Chapter 5 - Eli

Chapter 5 – Eli

As soon as Viz was gone, Jake sat down next to me and looked at me with a serious face. “Can we talk? Privately,” he asked.

I studied his face, wondering what he was thinking and then agreed and walked up to my room with him. As soon of the door was shut, his face went from serious to angry. “What is it, Jake?” I said slowly.

“The project is over, Eli! It's done! So why keep hanging out with this loser fag, huh? Why the hell do you want to be friends with him?” Jake questioned, his voice rising with every word.

“What do you have against him? He's a cool guy and I'm going to be friends with him. And where the hell did this come from? We were all just having a good time and now you hate him? You don't know that he's gay, but so what if he was? What's so wrong with that?” I replied, keeping my voice calm and steady.

“What do you see in him?” Jake asked, his voice low as he searched my eyes. He kept stepping closer, getting in my face and into my personal space. I didn't realize until it happened that he was moving in for a kiss. Our lips met and I stood there shocked for a moment and then kissed him back. And then, as I felt his tongue flicker across my bottom lip, the reality of the situation hit me and I pulled away swiftly. Why the hell did I just kiss him back?

“What the fuck was that?” I asked slowly, enunciating each word.

“I'm in love with you, Eli. I have been since fifth grade. I've been trying to get you to see it but ever since this Viz guy came along, I'm background noise. Why him? Why not me?”

“W-What are you talking about? I'm n-not gay,” I stammered.

“I can't stop you from denying it, but you are gay, Eli. I see the way you look at Viz. The same way I look at you. The way I wish you would look at me. We're best friends, I know that you're gay but that's not the point. Why not me?”

“I don't know,” I said, my voice barely audible. A tear slipped down my face and I wiped it away as fast as I could. “I don't even know if I like guys, okay? I don't know anything. All I know is that Viz makes me happy. You do too, you're my best friend! But you're like my brother, and that's the only way I'll see you. I understand if you hate me.”

I could see the hurt in his brown eyes and I looked down. I didn't want to hurt him—that was the last thing I wanted to do. But he'd just dropped a bomb on me and expected me to stay calm and sort through my thoughts as soon as it happened. I didn't know if I was gay or if I liked him or Viz or anyone. All I knew was that my best friend was telling me things that couldn't be, things that were changing everything already and it had only been a few minutes.

I looked up in time to see tears streaking down his tan face as he rushed past me and ran downstairs and out the door. I knew I should run after him but my legs wouldn't work and I just stood there, frozen with shock. My best friend was gay. I was...well, I didn't know what I was. I couldn't think straight because all I kept thinking was how I didn't notice the things Jake had been feeling for me, or the things that I'd been feeling for Viz.

Ten minutes ago, my life was great. I hadn't had a care in the world. And now, everything was falling apart. My life was being ripped at the seems and it had all happened in less than ten minutes.

I didn't remember crawling in my bed but I woke up a few hours later, in a fetal position, still fully clothed and laying on top of my comforter. My mom shook me awake. “Eli! What happened? Josh said it sounded like you and Jake had a fight and he stormed out. Are you okay?”

“I'm fine, Mom. I-I don't want to talk about it,” I replied. My throat felt like sandpaper and took a swig from the water bottle that sat on my nightstand.

“Okay, I won't pry. Dinner's ready, though,” She said, smoothing down my messy hair.

“I'm not really hungry,” I mumbled.

“Okay, sweetheart. I just hope that fight wasn't as bad as Josh said it seemed. Jake has been your best friend for a long time, one fight shouldn't change that,” my mom told me, her voice gentle. She'd always been like that, never really telling us what to do about our problems but making little comments that she hoped we'd listen to.

“I know, Mom,” I sighed. She kissed me on the forehead and smiled down at me then left.

I sat up, rested my elbows on my knees and put my head in my hands. What if I were gay? What would people think? Why had I never really thought about my sexuality? It was always straight, straight, straight but I didn't know anymore. I'd been with girls, lots of times. I'd had enjoyable sex. Okay, I mean it wasn't that great but I'd figured it was because of the girl I'd been with and we broke up after that. But maybe there was another reason why, no matter how many girls gave me attention, I never really wanted to pursue anyone. Yeah, I'd had girlfriends but I'd never really been into the whole dating thing. Was it because I was dating the wrong gender?

I'd had questionable thoughts about other guys before but I always pushed them away and deemed my feelings as curiousness. But it was more.

What had Jake said? That I looked at Viz the way he looked at me. I'd never thought about Viz in that way, I'd never allowed myself to. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized there was an attraction there. I wanted to touch Viz, I wanted to be close to him. I did want to be friends with him but I really wanted more than that.

My thoughts were eating at me, making it hard to concentrate on anything.

I got up and picked up my phone, deciding that I needed to call Jake. I needed to make things right between us because he was my best friend and I wasn't me without him. The phone rang six times before the machine picked up. “Jake, it's me. Well, obviously it's me, b-but I'm sorry, okay? I didn't know that you felt that way about me. I guess I should've noticed. I don't want our friendship to be ruined over this, okay? I'm really confused and I don't know what I want at this point but I need you, your my best friend. Please call me back.” I hung up and sat down on my bed.

“Dude, what the hell was that fight about?” I looked up to see Josh leaning against my door frame with his hands in his pockets. I wondered what he would think if he knew I was gay. I mean if he knew I might be gay, anyway.

“You didn't hear?” I asked, even though if he'd heard he'd probably say something.

“Nah, I just heard shouting and saw him storm out. He looked really pissed,” Josh said, raising a brown eyebrow and probably waiting for me to explain.

“It was nothing,” I lied.

“Didn't look like nothing,” he countered but left it at that and walked out. And he was right, it wasn't nothing. It was everything. Years of friendship being put at risk, and for what? For me? For him loving me? I wasn't worth the trouble. I couldn't even figure out who I was anymore.

There was a knock at my open door and I wondered when I would get some time alone. I looked up and Tabby walked in and shut my door then sat next to me on my bed. “I love you,” she said.

“Okay...” I replied, laughing shakily. It was weird for her to say that out of the blue, especially because she hadn't outright told me that in over a year.

“I just wanted to make sure you knew before I started,” she said, lowering her voice and taking a deep breath. “I heard the fight, I heard everything that Jake said. And it makes sense, when I think about it, I just don't know how I never noticed that you were gay. Or that the love that Jake felt for you was that kind of love.” My mouth gaped open at her words and I started to protest but she stopped me. “You don't have to deny it, it's okay if your gay. I'm not going to tell anyone.”

I just sat there because I couldn't find words to say. It seemed like everyone was convinced that I was gay except for me. I kept trying to throw those notions away—it wasn't possible for me to be gay. It wasn't who I was supposed to be. Being gay in high school, especially when your someone like me, well, it was out of the question. “I can't be gay,” I whispered.

Tabby wrapped her arms around me and pulled me to her. “Look, I know that seems like it now, but if this is who you are, then I think you should embrace it. Who gives a fuck if other people don't like it. If your gonna pretend, don't do it for anyone else, okay?”

I pulled away so I could look at her. “Tabby, I'm not coming out, at least not anytime soon. I barely know who I am anymore, I just realized that I was gay. God, even saying it out loud is harder than I ever thought. For now, I'm just gonna try to accept it before I do anything else,” I told her. I didn't know how I was going to accept it but I had to try.

I was gay.

And I couldn't take back the words, now that I'd spoken them. I couldn't lie to myself anymore and say that I wasn't. I wished this whole thing had never happened and I could go back pretending to be normal again.

“Just...no matter what, don't be ashamed, okay? There's nothing wrong with you,” she said. She squeezed me one last time and left. How could I not be ashamed? I liked other guys. That wasn't normal, wasn't right.

I didn't want to go to school the next day. I didn't want to see Viz or Jake or anyone for that matter. But sitting in my house thinking was worse. I needed a distraction. I paid attention in every class, grateful for a chance to escape from the thoughts that attacked me from every direction.

But when I walked into Creative Writing and saw Viz, I knew I couldn't distract my mind for very long. He was sitting there writing something with his fingerless-gloved hand and his hair was hanging down in his face. He was adorable and sexy without even trying. I watched him lick his lips and continue writing whatever it is he was writing and then he looked up and saw me and gave me a closed-mouth smile.

My lips tilted up at the edges slightly and then I went and sat down because I felt like I might suffocate if I stood another second under his emerald gaze. What the hell was wrong with me?

Okay, so I was definitely gay. And I liked Viz. Viz, my new friend. I liked him. Another guy.

My mind kept thinking these obvious thoughts because it couldn't wrap itself around the idea that I liked Viz. Viz, who was funny and kind and smart and not like any other person I'd known. The Viz I'd spent the last month getting to know. I didn't even know if he was gay. Hell, I didn't even know if I was. Well, okay, I did know but I didn't want to admit, let alone admit the fact that I was developing feelings for another guy because that just made being gay all the more real.

“Eli, do you have your story?” I looked up and Ms. Hartley was standing next to my desk and looking at me expectantly. I'd totally forgotten that I was supposed to write a story for class that had been assigned a week ago. I'd meant to write it last night but was too busy worrying about Jake and being gay and the whirlwind of thoughts and questions going through my head.

“Oh, that , um...I...” I faltered. I hadn't handed in anything late this year. That just wasn't like me. Yeah, I did things at the last minute and sometimes handed them in incomplete but always on time. Crap.

“Make sure to have it in tomorrow, I'll take the least amount of points off that's allowed since this is the first time you didn't have something in on time,” She said and smiled at me. I made a mental note to work really hard on the story so even though it was late, it was still well-written.

At lunch, Jake was nowhere to be found. Some guys said they'd seen him earlier and maybe he'd decided to skip. But who skips lunch? If anything, why not go to lunch and skip the rest of your classes? So I knew he was avoiding me. Of course he was.

I just kind of floated through the rest of the day and it only occurred to me in Film Studies that Jake hadn't been in Foods class. During the last period of the day, I scooted my chair as far away from Viz as I could while still being in front of our table. He was shifting nervously and probably wondering what the hell I was doing. I was wondering too. Being so close to him was bringing up thoughts that I didn't want to have.

When class was over, I walked to my locker and suddenly Viz was right next to me. I jumped a little and he blushed. “Hey, Eli. Do you want to come over today? We don't have to ride the bus, I'm having my driver pick me up,” he said.

I was tempted to say no because I knew I still had to write that story but I didn't want to see his face fall so I said yes. He smiled and I couldn't help but smile back as I followed him out front to where a Lincoln SUV was waiting. Sometimes I forgot how much money Viz had, but I was once again reminded as we were chauffeured into his rich neighborhood and the gates to his estate swung open.

Inside, we climbed up his stairs and went up to his room. “What do you want to do?” he asked shyly. I shrugged. It didn't really matter what we did, because I was sure I wouldn't be paying attention to whatever it was. “We can watch a movie. I've got tons. What do you wanna watch?”

“You pick.”

“Okay,” he agreed, went into his game room, and came back with a blu-ray disk in hand. I'd expected him to put it on in the game room but instead, he slid the disk in the blu-ray player in his room and sat on his bed, against his headboard. I followed suit, cautiously climbing onto his bed and sitting next to him, making sure to leave a foot or so of space between us.

The movie started but I wasn't watching it. I couldn't stop thinking about Viz and his green eyes and pale skin and soft, dark-brown hair. I knew the movie was about some secret agent or something but I couldn't concentrate on it no matter how hard I tried. Viz had a distinct smell of peppermint and masculinity and it was wafting towards me, distracting me.

I looked down and the comforter on his bed and realized that there were now only about four inches between us. I wasn't sure if I'd subconsciously scooted over or if he had or if we both had but as my eyes drifted up, it didn't matter anymore. I was looking at his perfect pink lips, then his nose, then his forest green eyes and he was staring back with scary intensity.

I don't know what came over me but I closed the distance between us and planted my lips on his and my hand drifted up as I ran fingers through his silky hair. He paused for a moment, shocked, and then he kissed me back. I pulled him closer so that we were chest-to-chest and let my tongue flicker out to taste him. His lips parted, allowing my tongue access to his and it darted into his mouth. My body was working on auto pilot and soon we were laying on our sides, our bodies pressed together and kissing desperately.

Viz pulled away a little and I reluctantly loosened my grip on his hair. “We have to breathe, Eli,” he reminded me and laughed, caressing my cheek with his fingers. I'd never kissed anyone like that, and I'd kissed plenty of people. I'd never felt a need deep inside me to have another person lips on mine, to taste them, to kiss them until the point of asphyxiation. I took one look at his smiling face and I had to kiss him again. He let me and he wound his arms around my neck as I encircled his waist with my own arms.

Somewhere in the back of my mind, I realized how crazy and amazing this was. Viz was gay too! Well, he hadn't said it but he had to be, he was kissing me back. And he liked me. Or at least I thought he did. I hoped he did! But most of my mind was focused on the fact that he was extremely sexy and his lips were soft and I was getting an erection, holding him so close to me like that.

I pulled away and I thought I saw disappointment flit over his face but he smiled. “I can't believe this is happening,” he breathed.

I laughed and kissed his neck. His skin was smooth and flawless and making my erection grow. “Why is that?” I whispered across his neck.

“Because I've been dreaming about this since I met you,” he answered truthfully. “I never thought you'd be gay. Or like me.”

I pulled away so that I could look at his face. “I didn't even know that I was gay until recently. Until you came along,” I admitted. “How could I not like you?”

“I'm not like you. You're perfect...and I'm just me. I don't know why you'd want to kiss me,” Viz whispered.

I took his hand and put over my heart. “Whenever your around, this is how my heart beats.” It was corny, but it was true. His finger splayed out over my chest, resting over my heart, and then moved up to the back of my neck and pulled me towards him for another kiss. I think he felt my erection pressing against his stomach because when I pulled away, he was blushing fiercely. “I don't know how you don't know how adorable you are,” I told him.

“What's your excuse?” he replied and gave me a peck on the lips.

“Oh, I know how sexy I am,” I laughed and he playfully punched me in the shoulder. “Damn, you have a hell of a left hook,” I joked and he laughed. I loved seeing him smile and hearing his melodic laugh. I grabbed him by the waist and crushed his body to mine as I kissed his neck. My hands ran up and down his back, going lower each time. He pulled away before I could reach his ass and smiled up at me.

“So, you really like me, huh?” he asked, hooking a finger through one of my belt loops.

“Yeah,” I whispered and his smile widened. We were interrupted by my phone ringing. I disentangled myself from him and sat up as I answered my phone. “Hello?”

“Hey.” It was Jake. “I got your message, I think we need to talk. Where are you?”

“Um...” I trailed off, not wanting to tell him that I was at Viz's. Or that we'd just been making out on his bed.

“You're at his house, aren't you?” his voice turned to steel. I couldn't help but wince at his tone but I stayed silent. “And your so fucking confused, right? I think you know exactly what you want.” And with that, he hung up.

“Are you okay?” Viz asked, his voice barely above a whisper.

“I'm fine,” I said but my voice broke but my voice broke on the word fine.

“You can tell me, you know.”

“It was Jake. We had a big fight yesterday, after you left,” I told him.

“It was my fault, wasn't it?”

“No, it wasn't you fault,” I assured him.

He searched my eyes and said, “Then it was about me?”

“Well, no and yes. Jake...well, he kissed me yesterday and told me he loves me. But he's suspected that I liked you for a while. I told him I didn't know what I wanted but when he called, he figured out that I was here and now I don't know what to do. Because I do know what I want, but I don't want to lose Jake as a friend,” I explained, the words pouring out in a rush.

Viz looked down, a frown pulling the corners of his beautiful lips down. “I want you to be happy. You should be with him, you two are good together. He's handsome and he's your best friend and he's perfect. You should be with him,” Viz spoke.

I lifted his chin so he was forced to look at me. “You make me happy. I haven't known you for long but I really like you. I love Jake, but not like that, not in the way that he loves me.” I kissed Viz gently on the lips. “Nobody's perfect. Not me or Jake or you. But I don't want perfection, just someone who makes me feel like this. Someone like you.”

“But you deserve the best,” He whispered against my lips, sending a tingle and tiny electric shocks through me.

“I guess that means I deserve you,” I whispered back. I smiled when he didn't argue.

We spent the next hour just talking and laying next to each other. We laughed at everything and anything and just enjoyed each other's company. Viz's head was resting on my shoulder and I had an arm around him when I said, “I should go home now. I really don't want to but I have finish that story for Creative Writing.”

I sighed and gently moved my arm from under his head. He followed me to the door and stood on his tiptoes to give me a kiss goodnight. “See you tomorrow?” He breathed.

“See you tomorrow,” I agreed.