The Funny Thing Is - 3. ...For Every Person I Hurt, I Hurt That Much More Inside

Chapter 2: The Funny Thing Is… For Every Person I Hurt, I Hurt That Much More Inside

I knew that my decisions would affect a million people in a million ways. My kids would be forced to ask themselves if their dad was the man they’d grown to love and trust. My wife would be forced to examine her choices and determine if marrying me was the best choice for her life. My friends would go through life believing a fraction of the promises I made. And I carried the burden for every single one of those people who was hurting because of me. And that, readers, really did hurt.

When I finally peeled myself off of Chase at 6:00 that night, I remembered that I had a life I needed to live. I took a quick solo shower, got dressed and kissed him goodbye. It felt weird leaving him like that when all I wanted was to be with him again. As I drove away from Downtown and headed to my own home, I thought about how close Chase finally was, and yet still so far away.

If I expected my life to resemble normal in any way when I got home, I was completely mistaken. The second I walked into the house, Devon said she needed to talk.

“I’ve been thinking about the kids,” she said as she dropped a handful of pasta into a pot of boiling water. “I want to make this transition as smooth as possible for them.”

“I agree,” I said, stirring a pot of tomato gravy slowly as it bubbled. The kids were just at that age where a divorce didn’t mean the end of the world, but it still had the potential to scar them badly. I didn’t want them to think Devon and I hated each other or that love doesn’t exist. I wanted them to see two adults handling a complicated situation with elegance and class.

“I think that you should talk to them tonight, pack a bag and go somewhere for the week. Um, this weekend, I’ll take them to the lake house and you can come pack all of your things and be completely gone when we get back,” she said.

The idea of moving out of my house hadn’t struck me. I should have prepared for it, but the truth is, it was my house. The cottage style mansion I’d built from scratch on the corner I’d chosen felt like it belonged to me more than anyone else. Now Devon was smacking me in the face with instructions to move out. If I hadn’t been the one to create this hellhole, I would have challenged her on that.

Regardless of how I felt, I knew I couldn’t be a total jerk and refuse. I’d fucked up and I needed to wash myself out of the area until everything was processed.

“So you’re keeping the house?”

“Of course,” she said, as if there was no other reasonable option.

“Okay,” I said. “I just thought maybe we’d talk about the assets before we started calling dibs on them.”

“You said whatever I want, Coop. I want a house for my kids to grow up in,” she said, enunciating each word like I was stupid. “I’m not uprooting them over your decisions. This is non-negotiable.”

And that’s when we reached the heart of the matter. The kids would stay with her. That was her foregone conclusion. I’m not sure what I expected; some sort of consultation at the very least. I felt like I’d been away for a million years and these decisions had already been made. I know I was the one turning the screw here, but at the end of the day, I had a right to raise my children.

I had vowed not to fight over anything, and so I took a deep breath and maintained my composure.

“Maybe we should sit down with our lawyers before we start doling things out,” I said softly. “And especially before we start discussing custody and everything like that.”

Devon stopped stirring her pot and gave me a look that only a mother can possibly conjure. For the first time, I saw a fight in her eyes, as if she would have punched me in the throat right then if I said the wrong thing.

“There’s really nothing to discuss,” she said. “You’ll have a place they can visit. I will keep the place they can live.”

Full stop. Point blank. Period. There was no discussion after that. I bit my tongue and decided not to say anything until I had come up with a game plan with Kyle.

As I helped finish dinner, I wondered what my life would look like in a few short weeks. I hadn’t thought about the possibility of losing my children, but it was a real strong possibility. All the blame would fall on me, and they’d get that. It would be tough for them to pick me over Devon, but nowhere in my worst case scenario did I envision not being with them. They were my kids for crying out loud. CJ was my namesake, and better yet, he had my face. I wiped away several tears as I helped get dinner ready, a lump in my throat so huge I could taste it.

Dinner was awkward to say the least. You could have cut the tension between us with the backside of a butter knife.

“Are ya’ll in a fight?” CJ asked after the 14th minute of complete silence from Devon and I.

“Of course not, honey,” Devon said.

“Then why are you and dad just glaring at each other and not saying anything?” Liz chimed in. My kids weren’t blind. Obviously something was wrong in our family. This was the time, I thought. It’s now or never.

“Um,” I said quietly. “We’re not in a fight. Your mom and I are just trying to figure some things out.”

“Like what?” CJ asked. I briefly wished for the days he wasn’t a teenager. It would be so much simpler if he was six and could fit on my lap and I could reassure him that everything would be okay.

“And if you’re trying to figure stuff out, then why wouldn’t you talk about it?” Liz added. “You two being so quiet is freaking me out.”

“Whose idea was it to make family dinner mandatory?” I asked sarcastically. “Salad, please, kiddo.”

Devon looked up at me as she handed CJ the salad bowl. I tried to read her eyes, but they were tired. I shot her a glance and her response was unmistakable. I shrugged my shoulders and took in a deep breath.

“Listen, kids, I am going to spend the next couple of nights at a hotel,” I said. I had never been the kind of guy to curtail my speech for my children, opting to have them grow up in an intelligent, thinking family. This however, clearly had to be edited. “And the reason is because your mother and I have decided that we aren’t going to be together anymore.”

Liz’s face slayed me. She dropped her fork and gave me the saddest puppy face I’d ever seen. CJ didn’t miss a beat; he just continued shoveling pasta into his mouth.

“Ya’ll are getting a divorce?” Liz asked.

“We are, sweetie,” Devon said calmly. “But believe me when I say this with 100 percent certainty. This has nothing to do with you. Your father and I love you very very much. We just came to the conclusion that we would be better off living under two different roofs.”

“Do we get to choose who we live with?” CJ asked. That was my boy, I thought.

“Um,” I said before Devon had a chance to answer. “There are a million things that Mom and I will have to sort through. Legally. And I don’t want you two to worry about any of them. Whatever happens, we’re still a family and we’re still a team, right?”

“This happened to Jessica’s family,” Liz said about one of her many best friends. “And they ended up having to sell their home and their car and move into an apartment in Carrolton.”

“That isn’t going to happen here,” Devon said sternly. “Your father and I are committed to making this as easy as possible. Junior, you’ll stay at St. Mark’s school no matter what, and Elizabeth, I’m not pulling you from Highland Park. We’re not turning everything upside down, okay?”

“Yes ma’am,” they both said, sensing the seriousness of the conversation. I would have loved to plan our approach better, but the kids sensed the tension. They got it. We had to tweak the plan just a bit.

The rest of dinner went off in an almost silent daze. I couldn’t believe I’d created this clusterfuck of a night for my family who didn’t deserve to be dealing with this. They were kids and they should have been enjoying the start of school, not worrying about their parent’s divorce.

Liz, I could tell, was the most affected. She finished her plate in complete silence, went straight to her room and locked the door. By the time I walked upstairs after clearing the table, her music was blaring.

I knocked twice.

“Who is it?” she asked with a voice that could have easily belonged to her mother; steely and mean, yet feminine and high.

“It’s Dad,” I said, realizing that word carried very little weight.

I heard her turn the music down and her door opened a second later.

“Do you wanna talk?” I asked.

“What is there to say? Ya’ll made this decision without consulting us and we have to live with it, right?”

“Sort of,” I said. “You’re allowed to feel however you like.”

“Well, I feel like this is screwed up,” she said. I could tell she’d been crying. She opened the door to let me in. A split second later, she was face down on her pillow, crying. I rubbed her back.

“Honey, listen to me,” I said. “Nothing is going to change. I’ll be right down the street, I promise. If you ever need anything, I’ll be here as fast as I can. And you aren’t moving to an apartment in Carrolton, for Christ’s sake.” I paused as I felt her back heave with harder cries. “Lizzy, I love you very very much. No matter what happens, I don’t want you to forget that, okay?”

I couldn’t tell what her response was to what I was saying. All I could hear were the sobs and the heaves of a girl whose life was crumbling around her. My heart broke a million times.

Devon gave me space to pack what I needed for the week. When I was zipping two suits into a travel bag, CJ came in slowly and asked if he could help. Part of me was worried that he wasn’t showing more emotion towards this, but I didn’t know what to expect out of a 13 year old, especially mine.

“Sure thing, kiddo,” I said. I pointed towards a few polos and asked him to fold them for me.

“Where are you gonna live?” he asked, showing the first signs of a voice drop. I didn’t know what to expect out of a 13 year old, but CJ always seemed to surprise me. I saw a lot of myself and my brother, Dylan, in him; it was absurd.

“It’s up in the air,” I said truthfully. I didn’t know what my plan was. “I’ll stay with your uncle Spencer for this week and then I’ll figure it out. There are some nice apartments down on Fitzhugh with pools and stuff. Maybe Blackburn Ave. I don’t know.”

“Am I gonna have to stay here?” he asked. Heart break number two of infinity, I thought.

“It’s gonna be completely up to you, kiddo. You say the word and you can come stay with me,” I replied. I wasn’t sure if I was allowed to say that for sure. Devon was pretty certain she’d get the kids, but I wasn’t just gonna hand them over that easily. I wanted to be a part of their lives. I was planning on being a part of their lives. It was the one thing I would fight for. “Either way, Dallas isn’t that big. I’ll see you guys all the time.”

“Are you and mom mad at each other?” he asked. “I mean, you can always stop being mad at each other.”

“It isn’t like that,” I said, trying to think of the mature way of telling him the situation without freaking him out. “When you start dating, you’ll realize that certain things out of your control pop up and it’s no one’s fault; it’s just the way it is. I could stay with your mother and be fine, but I wouldn’t be as happy as I need to be. Make sense?”

He nodded and handed over the polo shirts.

“Is there someone else?” he asked. What the fuck were these kids watching on TV these days?

“Listen, buddy. It’s adult stuff. You’ll understand when you’re older, but just for now, don’t give your mom a hard time, okay? And take care of your sister.”

He nodded again. “I bet Mom hates you. Like a lot,” he said. I looked up at him, unsure of what to say. Yeah, that pretty much sums it up, kiddo, I wanted to say. I just shrugged.

“Dad, I’m not gonna hate you,” CJ said. I wondered for a second if he got the gravity of what was going on. His life was about to be turned upside down and he was taking it in a sort of stride that reminded me 100 percent of my brother, Dylan. Far too mature for a 13 year old, but at the end of the day I was grateful for it.

When CJ left, I sat down on the bed and thought about exactly what I was doing. I was ripping my family apart by the seams for what reason, exactly? Because I was selfish, and wanted to be happier than everyone else. Why couldn’t I just grin and bear it, like most guys do? I could have an affair and keep it quiet and have my cake and eat it too. There was no reason to tear my family up.

The thoughts about it plagued me like a bitch as I drove right into historic downtown. I had called Spencer when my car was loaded and told him the situation. He said I was more than welcome to stay in his recently renovated loft.

I very easily could have gone to Chase’s apartment and stayed with him, but for some reason, it felt wrong. I wouldn’t have been able to mess around feeling as guilty as I felt. I really needed a friend at that point, and I needed to sort through everything without Chase there clouding things up.

“So, how’s the divorce proceeding?” he asked as I handed him a duffle bag and followed him inside. The high ceilings and exposed brick made his apartment one of the priciest in downtown Dallas.

“They haven’t started yet. Kyle ripped me a new asshole this morning,” I said.

“He told me,” Spencer said. He held up a bottle of gin and I nodded. “He was pretty pissed off when you left.”

“He pissed me off,” I said. I watched Spencer pour two Gin and Tonics as we spoke. “I didn’t need him to sit there and judge me, Spence. I needed him to reassure me that things would be okay.”

“I get that, I really do,” Spence replied. “But you have to understand that ya’lls relationship is completely different than yours and mine and yours and Sebastian’s. He, to this day, thought that he was the one that got away. Not Chase.”

“I get that,” I said. I really did understand it. And it was always the dark cloud above our friendship. We’d go years and years without acknowledging it, but at the back of the mind, the fact that Kyle and I were once destined to be together made it hard for either of us to fully move forward. “I really do get that, Spencer. But come on. I made the choice a thousand years ago. If I was gonna be with Kyle, it would have happened already.”

“Put yourself in his shoes for a second. You completely wrote him off after the Rusty ordeal. When ya’ll became friends again, you sort of strung him along, but you never fully forgave him. And then the Chase debacle happened and now he waltzes back in here and gets a free pass. Kyle’s frustration is certainly justified.”

I hadn’t thought about it like that. I’d only thought about it in terms of Kyle’s lingering feelings towards me. Of course it wasn’t fair for me to forgive Chase and welcome him back if I’d refused to do the same for Kyle back in college. But Kyle’s and my issues were a two way street. We’d both fucked up and we’d both refused to let it go.

“So how do I do this without ruining my friendship?” I asked. Spencer always had the answers, especially when it came to his oldest friend in the world.

“I think you just apologize to him, first,” Spencer said. “And then you don’t rub Chase in his face. Let him come around. Just focus on getting divorced for the sake of getting divorced. Don’t make it about Chase.”

It was solid advice and I felt better hearing it. I agreed. I had to do this without getting too involved with the Chase aspect, at least until mine and Kyle’s relationship recovered.

The one member of the rat pack I dreaded telling about the divorce was Sebastian. Britney and Devon were sorority sisters and best friends. By proxy, Bass and I had become best friends as well. I had been the best man at his wedding... Devon had been the maid of honor. This news would crush him.

Imagine the pit of fire in my stomach when I got a call from Bass at ten o’clock that night. Spencer and I had been sitting around shooting the shit and sipping imported gin when my phone went off.

“Shit,” I said. “It’s Sebastian.”

“Tell Bass I say hi,” Spencer said as I stood and crossed the floor to the guest room. I answered it as I closed the door behind me. I anticipated a bloodbath and I didn’t want Spencer to hear it.

“Hey Sebastian, I was just about to call you,” I said breezily.

“You moved out on Devon,” he said evenly. His voice sounded slightly gritty.

“I did,” I replied. “Did Britney tell you?”

“No Cooper, your wife was over here earlier while you were packing your shit to move out. What the fuck happened?”

“Look, Sebastian, it’s complicated,” I said.

“I’m a goddamn engineer, Cooper. I think I’ll be able to keep up.”

“It’s been a downhill slide and if you take a second to think about me and Devon, you’ll realize that. I finally took the reins back.”

“You mean you finally threw in the towel,” he said. I could take that shot. “I knew this would happen. I told her from the second that you two started dating that you wouldn’t be able to stay straight forever.” That shot, I couldn’t take.

“Okay, that’s not necessary,” I said.

“That’s what this is about, isn’t it? You were balls deep in love with cock when you suddenly switched over. Bi now, gay later? It was bound to fall apart, right?”

“No,” I said firmly. I didn’t think I’d have to defend myself to my friends, but apparently that was the case. “When I married Devon, I planned on forever. I just… I didn’t plan on Chase coming back into the picture.”

“I don’t believe this.”

“No one is asking you to,” I said, with more aggression in my voice than I’d intended. “I’m making a choice for me, Sebastian. Am I leaving Devon for the sake of sucking cock again? No. I’m not leaving for any random old Joe I could pick up off the streets. I’m leaving for Chase, yes. Because in spite of myself, I love him. And she’s always known that.”

“Then why string her along at all, Cooper? Make me understand that part.”

“You won’t get it,” I said.

“Try me, please. I’m desperately looking for a reason not to hate you for what you’re doing right now, so I am begging you to make me understand this. Please.”

“I didn’t think Chase would be back, ever. And I had to move on. And it was easy to move on with Devon because I liked her and she wasn’t… I wasn’t going to fall in love with another guy after Chase. That’s the bottom line.”

I heard Sebastian swallow and shift over the phone.

“Devon was there. And she was great. And she was easy to fall back on, and so I did. I didn’t plan on calling it quits the second he came back, but I didn’t plan on feeling the way that I felt when I saw him. And it just made me realize that the last several years with Devon have been hard work.”

I waited for Sebastian to say something. After a long pause, he finally did.

“I just wish that this all wasn’t happening,” he said, his voice softer than before.

“Me too,” I replied with a heavy breath. “Still hate me?”

“A little less,” he said. I couldn’t help but crack a smile as I sniffled and wiped a tear from my cheek. We talked for another two and half hours about my failing marriage and my decision to get out of it. He knew the nitty gritty about my marriage. He knew about my friend on the side. When Devon had her affair, I’m sure he knew about that. He knew why I started writing All Cooped Up in the first place. This shouldn’t have come as a shocker to him, but the fact that we’d survived that much already, must have made us look invincible.

Divorce hadn’t even been on Sebastian’s Catholic radar. His old-money mother would have a conniption fit if he ever tried to leave Britney. Not that he would. From day one, he would have done anything for her, flaws and all, and I commended that. I wasn’t the same kind of guy.

I luckily had class to occupy me the next day. I taught my three classes, filling my time between to flip through rental reports. I saw listings for two very charming three bedroom town houses in the Oaklawn district of Dallas. The streets lining Oaklawn were peppered with rainbow flags and pink triangles. It was definitely the place to be for any affluent gay guy in the city.

Part of me thought it would be great to live in Oaklawn, surround myself with the culture, really become a part of the gayborhood. It wasn’t far from Liz’s school and I could always drive CJ up to his academy until he was old enough to take himself.

I didn’t know if was ready for that kind of step yet, so I bookmarked the listings and continued to look elsewhere.

Spencer had plans with a fuck buddy of his that night, so I decided to give him his bachelor space and privacy. After work, I drove straight to the W hotel and rode the elevator up to Chase’s room.

“I was beginning to feel like Rapunzel up here all by myself,” he said with a big smile. He had the familiar smell of chlorine that indicated he’d been out for a swim before I got there. His body looked bronzer than normal and his hair was fingered back. I couldn’t resist giving him an extended kiss.

“How was your day?”

“Boring,” he said. “I’m ready to restart my life. I’ve been a doer for so long, it’s tough to just sit around and stuff.”

“What’s keeping you from doing?”

“You,” he answered simply. “I just want to know where your head is at. Listen, Coop, I’m ready to live again. I’ve spent the last six months taking care of my father and I’m honestly just ready to experience again. Like tonight, I want us to go out. Let’s do.”

I could have gotten down for some doing, I thought. I didn’t have to teach on Thursday, so there was no work issue to deal with. I had planned on revving up the apartment search, though. I couldn’t sleep on Spencer’s couch forever.

I felt guilty contemplating going out with Chase when my family was a few miles away picking up the pieces I’d left to burn. But I couldn’t punish myself forever, I thought. Whether I stayed in and gave myself forty lashing or not wouldn’t make much of a difference.

“Let’s do,” I echoed, with a smile. Chase grinned widely at me, stood up and gave me a free strip show as he waltzed to the bathroom to shower.

I decided to do some casual snooping while he was in there. He’d made a little home out of his suite at the W and all of his bags were unpacked into the closets. I rifled around the desk for a while, not looking for anything in particular but just nosing about.

Then I saw the picture. It was Chase about fifteen years earlier. His face was void of any wrinkle and his expression was boyish and happy. I could tell that it was right around the games in Rio because he had a Brazil bandana tied around his head and a grin the size of Sao Paolo tattooed across his face.

On his arm was another guy. The guy looked about the same age with vibrant blonde hair and piercing blue eyes. They both stared at the camera with more joy than film usually captures. Chase had his arm around the other guy’s body while his chin rested on his shoulder. The pose was unmistakably cute.

I put the picture away and tried to suppress the pang of jealousy that rose within me. So what? I thought. He’d dated someone. He’d probably dated a million people. Maybe even fallen in love with a couple of them. But he’d come back for me. That meant something right?

As hard as I tried, it was impossible to forget the image. I wondered how long images like that would haunt me. How long would I wonder ‘why now’? Had all of his other options run their course? Had he told picture boy the same things he’d told me? Was picture sitting at home with his own family waiting for Chase to come back?

Chase came out of the bathroom and saw me sitting on the bed with pursed lips. I felt like a baby being upset, but I couldn’t help it.

He gave me a quick kiss as he toweled off, the steam following him around the room.

“What’s the matter?” he asked, sensing my wooden demeanor. “You having second thoughts about going out?”

“No,” I said, shaking it off. “I just… okay, I’m not gonna lie. I saw your picture in the drawer.”

“What picture?” he asked casually.

“The one in the drawer. Of you and that guy.”

Chase gave me a smirk and tilted his head. “Morgan and me?”

“If that’s his name. Who is he?”

“Someone I dated for like a day. It’s really no big deal,” he said flippantly. He pulled on some slacks.

“Then why do you still have the photo?” I knew what I sounded like and I didn’t like this look on myself, but it was a nagging feeling. Who was Morgan? Why was he lurking?

“I don’t know. Honestly, I didn’t even realize I still had it.” It sounded like the typical guy answer and I gave the typical bitch response.

“Then why not get rid of it?” I asked with a smirk.

Chase eyeballed me closely. I couldn’t tell what he was thinking, but I knew if the roles were reversed, I would have been annoyed. I tried to tell myself to shut up but I couldn’t help it.

“Look around, Coop. Do you see any other guys here?” his tone was even and calm.

“No,” I answered, suddenly feeling really stupid.

“Exactly. I’m with you, Monsieur. I’m with only you. Cut me some slack about the past will you?”

I thought about it for a second. Rightfully, I shouldn’t have cared. He was right. He was there now and that’s all that mattered. But deep down, I needed closure on all of the things I didn’t know about his life.

I knew that these sorts of things would creep up and freak me out. He’d left me before, I thought. He could very well do it again.

“Look at me, kiddo. Do you see me getting up and running?” I said with as much evenness as he’d given me. “I just want you to fill me in on some of the holes. Starting with that one.” I smiled at the end of the sentence to make my request sound less demanding.

Chase sighed. “Okay. Morgan and I swam together when we trained for Rio. He was really good and really fast. We became friends. He was closeted, so our relationship was kept really secret until I couldn’t do that anymore. I wanted to live my life not hide from it. So we broke up.”

“Just like that?”

“Just like that. I keep the picture because he meant a lot to me for a short amount of time. But he doesn’t hold a candle to you.”

I was the one he’d come back for. I leaned up and kissed Chase squarely on the mouth, dragging his barely dry body down onto the bed with me. In a perfectly choreographed move, he found his place between my legs and before I knew it, his hard shower rod was rubbing up against mine.

“No fair that you’re the only one naked,” I said with a smile. I unbuttoned my shirt slowly while Chase continued his oral assault on my mouth.

“I take it you want to stay in,” he smiled.

“Let’s stay in.”

A minute later, I was fully unclothed and Chase was grinding on top of me. His cock rubbed slickly over my torso as he fished behind himself for my impossibly hard dick. He gave it a squeeze and positioned it to his ass.

Without breaking eye contact, Chase felt around until the head of my woody woodpecker was pressed against the opening off his ass. With one push, a sigh, and a grunt, I was in and Chase was loving it.

His cock drizzled precum onto my torso, causing the thin line of hair that lead down my stomach to stick to the skin. In the sexiest way possible, Chase scooped some of his precum and brought his finger to my face. Like a starving kid on Christmas, I licked the mess out of his finger, sucking it deep, while he humped up and down on my dick.

Before long, the friction his impossibly tight ass was causing made me inch closer and closer to the edge. When it looked from my expression like I was almost there, Chase slowed down, lowered himself to the hilt and began grinding back and forth, switching the sensation. His tight ass clenched firmly around my dick, and I held on for a little bit longer.

Every nerve on my body was awakened by Chase. His expression was of sheer joy and I knew my cock was hitting his prostate something awesome. If nothing else, his precum was an indication of how much he loved my dick in his ass.

“I love you, babe,” I shouted in a bout of sheer passion. A second later, I arched upwards, buried my dick into Chase and came like a geyser.

“Holy fuck!” Chase shouted. He dug his nails into my chest and leaned forward. It felt like he was milking my dick with his ass muscles and I knew it would take a gallon jug to hold all the cum I’d shot. A second later, Chase grunted like a caveman and I felt warm rope after warm rope of his hot and sticky coat my torso.

Chase dismounted and collapsed next to me, his hand landing right in the center of his cum bucket. He brought his finger up to my mouth again and I sucked it, trying my hardest to be super sexy.

“That was incredible,” he said.

“Fucking incredible,” I replied. “I haven’t fucked like that in god knows how long.”

“I know how long,” he said, turning his head towards me. “It’s been 20 years for me.”

I looked into his eyes and I could see passed them into what he was thinking.

“You’re lying,” I said. “I’m the last guy you let fuck you?” It was more of a statement than a question.

“If I’m lying, I’m dying.”

I knew what something like that meant. I hadn’t been able to give myself to another guy the same way after Chase. I’d messed around, sure, but to bottom was always something I felt belonged to him. Hearing that he had the same commitment towards me felt really good. It was the bright spot in a hard day.

“You’re the last guy that fucked me, too,” I replied with a smile. Chase planted one of his signature sexy kisses on me, and I knew I was doing the right thing.

Maybe the Morgan thing wasn’t such a big deal then, I thought. I felt like a jackass for letting my insecurity over the whole thing show, so I changed the subject as quickly as possible.

“Okay, killer,” I said sitting up, fully recovered and no longer breathing heavy. “Let’s talk real estate.”

“Like houses?”

“Ding, ding, ding.”

“Okay. What’d you have in mind?” he asked, sitting up and crossing his legs.

“Well I was flipping through the paper this afternoon,” I said.

“Let me stop you right there. You still read the paper?” he asked with a grin.

“Yes, I’m still one of those people. I like how it smells,” I replied. “That’s not the point. There were listings in Oaklawn. How do you feel?”

“Um, I’ve always liked Oaklawn,” he responded. “It’s very trendy.”

“I dunno. I want something that my kids will feel comfortable with in the event I ever get to see them again.”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean, I know they’ll hate me for this,” I said. I felt blood rush to my head and I felt embarrassed for getting emotional in front of him. One thought of my children and I was a wreck.

“They’ll deal,” Chase assured. “I promise you, they will. Take it from my experience.”

He was right. He’d been through this with his parents. They’d gotten divorced when he was in junior high and he’d maintained a fantastic relationship with his dad. Maybe I wouldn’t be the devil to them, I thought. I could always hope.

“Umm, okay. Let’s see… I want it to have a private master bedroom. Maybe his and her closets.”

“And why would you need his and her closets?” Chase raised an eyebrow.

“Because they don’t make his and his closets.”

“In Oaklawn they do,” Chase laughed. “The second closet… can I call dibs on it?”

I smiled and gave Chase a quick kiss.

“We tried living together once and you bailed, killer,” I said with a smirk.

In a swift motion, Chase pulled me down onto the bed and covered me with his rock hard body.

“You know what, Monsieur? One day you’re gonna believe when I say I’m not going anywhere.”

He kissed me and I did.