Crosscurrents - 32. Facing Forward

Studying sucks. And not in the good way like you do hahahaha. So I'm taking a break to send you this.

How's the week, soccerboy? Sorry I didn't get down there Friday but the weekend of cramming paid off. I kicked major ass on the eco exam. I saw from the website you got three goals though. Impressive. I got a reward for you the next time I see you. lol

Speaking of that call me tonight okay? Wanna know if I should come down Fri. or wait till Sat. Just thinking about getting with you has me wound a little tight. I'm not relieving the pressure all week. That will be your job when I get down there.

Love you, Eights.

Matt

I laughed out loud as I shut down my email: "Eights." The number on my football jersey in high school had been 88. It was Matt's way of linking us to our past and taking it along with us. And why not? Those were memories you couldn't pay me to leave behind.

For the most part.

It was mid-October, and he'd been to every home game that fell on a weekend.

He usually showed up on Fridays. If I had a game in the afternoon, he'd come straight to the field. When it was over, win or lose, I'd go back home and shower. He'd join me. To make sure I got clean, of course.

If the game was at night, he'd show up at my apartment several hours early and loosen me up a little. So that I'd have a good game, of course.

The routine had started the previous month.

He'd called me on a Wednesday afternoon early in September. Soccer season had geared up, and I was trying to get ahead in some of my courses. We were going to be on the road for away games, which meant I'd be missing classes; I didn't want that to cause me academic trouble, so I'd made myself work ahead on most of the syllabi.

I was deep in the middle of some thick, useless prose from Thomas Aquinas for a Philosophy of Religion class when the landline rang. I grabbed it and said hello.

"Hey, boy."

I closed my eyes and let his voice pour last summer's warmth all over me. In the middle of my chest, I felt all soft and squishy. But just south of there, things weren't squishy at all. The last couple of years had brought heavy rain, but now he and I were under clear skies. Best friends again, and then some. It was the "then some" that was making things tight in my jeans.

Not that it kept me from wanting to throw a little bullshit his way:

" 'Hey' what?"

"You know…just 'hey'."

I chuckled. "That's what you called me up for? To say 'hey'? I don't even know what that means."

"Moron. I mean 'Hey, how's it hangin'?' That's what."

"Not hangin' at the moment."

"What do you mean?"

"What do you think I mean?"

"I wouldn't ask if I knew."

"I mean that at least part of me likes hearing your voice. Good thing I'm alone."

"What? What part? What are you talk…"

As the light dawned, stopping him in mid-sentence, I laughed at the thought that we were so happy with each other we could give each other shit, just like back in the day.

Before I'd had a chance to come up with a good comeback, though, he was back on his game. "Well, good then. I knew I was a stud, but I didn't know it worked long distance."

"Oh, it works long distance. Trust me."

"Sounds like it's been too long since you got up close and personal with my studliness. So I'm coming down this weekend to watch you play. Matter of fact, I'm coming for every home game I can. I already told you. And I'm sleeping over. Think about that."

I thought about it.

Damn.

Never one to let a pure moment of joy go by uncontested, I felt an objection rise up. That's a long drive and a lot of gas to spend. He's doing this because he thinks he's obligated.

It made sense. Matt needed our friendship back as much as I did. But we weren't the same. I knew the sex wasn't unpleasant to him, but the whole "lovers" thing went against his wiring. He'd gotten in much deeper than he would have if I didn't need him in the specific ways I did.

I didn't want him doing anything with me out of a sense of duty. The summer had been the best one of my life, and having Matt as a lover as well as a best friend was beyond any dream I'd ever entertained. But I'd be damned if I'd let that make him feel chained to me.

"It would be great if you could come for some games. But you have a life. I don't expect you here that much. It's not cheap."

"You're not charging me for a room, are you?"

"Shut up. I'm talking about the gas and the time. It's a long drive, and you have your own stuff to do on weekends."

He sighed.

"What?"

"Do you still not get it?"

"Get what?"

"Andy…babe…"

Babe.

A shiver went through me; my knees went weak. And he wasn't done talking. "You are my stuff to do on weekends. I…There's nothing else I wanna do. Don't you…I'm trying to say there's nowhere else I wanna be. Unless…"

"Unless what?"

He took forever to respond. "Well…maybe you don't want me there so much."

I frowned. "It's not that at all, I just…"

"Maybe you got other people you want to be with," he said. "I just never thought…I mean, it's cool; we never said you wouldn't get with other…"

"Stop," I said. "Don't even think it. Of course I want you here. Jesus, Matt, I need you so much, if I could fuckin' sleep with you every damn night, it wouldn't be enough! I want so much more from you than I have a right to. Sometimes I wish you could be my…"

I clamped down on the thought, stopped my fool mouth, and shut my eyes tight against the words that had slipped out. I couldn't believe what I'd just said. That was the last thing I wanted to admit to him. Too late, though. I had to soldier on.

"I just meant it's a long way, and it's time-consuming. I love it when you watch me play, and I want to spend as much time with you as I can. You know how I feel about you. You know how long I've felt that way. I just don't want you to feel tied down to me. I'm not trying to make us a couple, Matt. We're not a couple."

"The hell we aren't."

The frost in his voice made me realize that I was making it worse instead of better. But I didn't know what to say.

"I just don't want you to feel…"

"Dammit, Andy! How 'bout you let me take responsibility for what I feel and what I do about it?"

The words hit me pretty hard. This was the ongoing mistrust that had hurt us…that had separated us for two miserable years. Part of me had always known my fears were toxic illusions. But I'd spent years afraid of loving him; afraid of burdening him with that love. During those years I routinely shut out any opportunity for him to bring what he wanted to bring.

I had to cut that shit out.

"You know what? You're right. I'm sorry. We shouldn't be having this argument. I want you here. You know I want you here."

"I do," he said, his voice steady and clear. "And I need you to know something, too. I need you to know that I want to be there. I need you to know that everything I do with you is what I want to do with you. What I want. Otherwise I wouldn't do it. Can you get that through your fuckin' head?"

I stared at my feet. "Yeah. I can. I will."

"Good."

He paused. About the time the silence caused me to start worrying, he added, " 'Cause I guess that means you get some sex from me this weekend."

He'd intended to make me laugh; instead, it made me think about how far we'd come. I couldn't lose that ground. Not to some delusional script that wanted to loop constantly in my head.

Climbing back into character, I said, "Yeah, okay, whatever. I get it now. You just wanna be here because I’m your only chance to take it up the ass."

"Yes. That's exactly it. The only reason."

"About time you were honest with me."

"Asshole."

"I don't need you to tell me where you want it."

"God, you piss me off," he said.

"Always have."

"Yep."

"Good, then."

"Fine."

"Okay."

"Anyway, that's why I called. To say I'll see you this weekend. I'm hanging up now," he said.

"Hang up, then."

"I love you. God knows why, but I do."

"I love you too, Matt."

"Bye."

"Bye."

I took a couple of deep breaths. This was good. No, it was better than good. It was life itself.

It struck me, though, just how much I was at the mercy of my love for him. These days he took me so high; higher than I'd ever been. He could also destroy me now. If I ever fucked things up with him permanently, I probably wouldn't recover from it.

I shook my head and vowed that I'd never let that happen.

The resolve felt good, but there was a cloud over it: This wasn't entirely up to me. It wasn't entirely up to him, either. Life happens, and nobody can tell you what it's going to bring.

I pushed all that darkness away and thought back on the conversation we'd just had. I couldn't control the future, but I could let him love me as much as he wanted to. And I could love him back.

Screw all that other imponderable, unknowable stuff.

---------

Two days went by. I could hardly wait to see him. I had some misgivings; I knew Matt would get along with my housemates, but I was nervous about introducing him to Trey.

It was Friday, late in the afternoon; the four of us who lived in the house had just finished shooting some hoops. The air was warm-crisp; it smelled like autumn, and you could feel a touch of it on the way, but there was still enough summer for us to stay shirtless after our game.

Josh and Shane had cleaned up and headed downtown together for a night of boozing and cruising. They couldn't stay out too late, as per coach's orders, and they weren't allowed to get shitfaced: The next day would bring our season opener. But they didn't want to let the first weekend in September go uncelebrated, and anyway, it was easy to hook up Friday nights on Sixth Street. As far as they were concerned, sitting on the sofa and watching TV all night was out of the question.

The days of the prowl were behind me, though, and Trey had partied too hard the night before, so he and I had decided to stay home. Angie had gone back to Dallas for the weekend, and I had nothing to do but wait. So we were sitting shirtless on the front porch, passing a joint back and forth between us and talking, when we saw Matt's car turn onto our street. It slowed, pulled up to the curb, and stopped in front of the house.

The nervousness must have registered on my face. Trey took note of it. "That him?"

"Yeah." I tried not to smile and failed.

He laughed at me. "You got it bad."

"Shut up."

Matt got out of the car and met me halfway as I was walking up to him. "You weren't supposed to be here yet," I said. "We don't play until 4:30 tomorrow."

"Oh. I'll go then," he deadpanned, turning back toward his car.

I grabbed him by a shoulder and spun him back around. "Dickface."

"That's me." He reached out and tweaked my left nipple, just to watch me yelp. I didn't disappoint. The look in his eyes, though, kept me from retaliating when he smiled and said, "Naw, man, I wanted the night with you."

Those were the magic words; I pulled him into me and brought his face to mine. He kissed me lightly on the lips; then, remembering Trey, he pulled away. "Oh, shit."

"No shit," Trey shot back, laughing as he made his way toward us. "Fortunately, I don't give a shit."

They stood there, appraising each other, until Trey broke the silence.

"So. You're the famous Matt."

Matt's eyes narrowed, but he stuck out a hand. Trey grabbed it, and they shook as Matt gave him the once-over. "And you're…"

"Trey."

"Right. The roommate."

"We all got our own rooms now, but yeah, back in the day."

"So. He's sucked your dick."

I drew in a sharp breath; I'd just taken a hit on the joint, and the next thing I knew, I was coughing my head off.

Trey turned to me, eyebrows raised. My mouth was hanging open, so he got no help there. Turning back to Matt, he said, "You do get right to the point, don't you? Yeah, he's sucked my dick. You jealous?"

"Maybe."

I looked at the two of them. The tableau was as old as humanity: Matt, in "challenge" mode and squared off against Trey, arms crossed, eyes narrowed; Trey standing tall, chest out, head cocked in amused defiance.

I kept my mouth shut, nervous for half a second about how this would play out.

Trey went with the olive branch. "You got no reason, so chill," he said to Matt. "First of all, I don't go that way. Second of all…God, by the time freshman year was over I was fuckin' sick of your name, man. Always 'Matt this' and 'Matt that.' Two full years and I still haven't been able to get him to shut up about you."

"You let him suck your dick, though."

Trey chuckled. "Well, yeah. He's good at it."

Matt scowled and stared a hole through my former roommate. Thirty seconds went by…and then he fell into a laughing fit.

"Yeah," he said, trying to get a grip. "He sure is." He recovered over the next minute, and when he'd gotten full control, the levity faded, and he grimaced. "Did you fuck him, too?"

Trey blushed. "Not me, man. Can't vouch for any of the other guys down here."

This was too much. "I'm standing right here, assholes," I growled. "You gonna keep talking about me like I'm somewhere else?"

"Hey, I was just telling your boy what's up," Trey said.

Matt wasn't quite ready to let it go. "Yeah, and now I'm curious what other guys. And if you really did or you really didn't."

"Leave it alone, Matt," I said. "He didn't. Anyway, what the fuck?"

He looked over at me. I didn't know what to make of this display of jealousy and insecurity. Our eyes locked. Knock it off, I said with mine, as it struck me that this, in fact, was why I'd been nervous about the two of them meeting each other.

Caught up in a rising tide of concern, I heard Trey's voice like background noise. "I'm telling you, dude, it ain't nobody but you. Never has been. I wasn't kidding about him talking about you. All the time. Anyway, I don't take at-bats for that team. I love this guy…but not like that. So no worries."

"He's right, you know," I said. "Look, I need a shower. You need a reminder?"

Matt looked at me, puzzled. "A reminder of what?"

I put a hand on his shoulder. "Well, lemme say this first. You made a pretty weird entrance for somebody who just tore me a new one over the phone for not trusting you. So the reminder is a reminder of what you should already know. What he said. I can do that, you know. Remind you. So quit bein' a fuckin' drama queen and come shower with me. I can kill two birds with one stone. Get clean...and remind you."

He bit his lower lip. "Yeah. Remind me. Remind me good." He threw an arm around my neck, yanked me into him, and gave me a rough kiss on the cheek as we walked toward the house.

Trey followed us. "Okay, I'll just go to my room and turn the stereo up all the way. Pound on my door when y'all are...done, and I'll shower off myself. By then it'll be almost time to grab something to eat."

"Sounds good to me," Matt said to him. His eyes had softened, and it was obvious he was ready to move on. He looked at Trey and said, "Sorry, man. I'm still figuring out how to do this and what it all means, you know?"

"It's cool," Trey said.

"In fact…I prolly even owe you some thanks, don't I?"

He smiled at Matt. "Yeah. You do. This dork is his own worst enemy sometimes. He talked about you a lot. Crazy-stupid stuff. Fucked-up shit I knew wasn't true. I didn't know you, man, but I knew where your head was better than he did. I had to convince him."

"Yeah, he's like that. Always has been." I shook my head and pushed the front door open. Great, I thought. Bond over my damn character flaws. Feel free.

We started up the stairs as he told Matt, "I figured. You and I should compare notes some time."

"How 'bout over dinner tonight?"

I'd had enough of this. "How 'bout not?"

Trey snorted. "Deal with it, Sharpe. I still owe you some shit for the time you almost turned us into criminals."

Matt looked over at me and back at Trey. "Criminals?"

"I can't believe he didn't tell you. Now that's a story you're gonna want to hear."

I groaned.

"But anyway," he continued, "about the cocksucking? Okay, I liked it. And I'm tight with your boy. And he's had the hots for me since he first saw my incredible naked body."

"Shut up," I mumbled, glaring at him.

"But I was just a place-holder for what he really wanted. I guess he liked it well enough, and why not? It's a great dick."

Matt rolled his eyes. "I'll take your word for it."

"But we're just buds, you know? He's my teammate, my wingman, my ex-roomie; I don’t know, friends with benefits for a while. But it was just for shits and giggles. You and him…that's his real deal. Well, and Angie. Now there's where I'd fuck up his shit if I could. I'd so move in on that…hot damn."

"She's not remotely interested in your sorry ass. I'm hotter for you than she is," I said.

"I'm painfully aware of both of those facts, queerboy."

He turned toward his room.

"All right, kids, y'all have a clean time of it, and don't use all the hot water. And also…don't leave any unpleasant surprises on the shower floor or the walls, okay? I gotta get in there after you."

"Fuck you," I said.

He laughed. "Never in a million years." As he closed his door, he said, "Y'all have fun, now."

I pushed Matt down the hall and into the large upstairs bathroom. He pushed the door shut with his butt, dropped to his knees, and pulled my shorts down around my ankles.

"Alone at last," he said, as he kissed my belly button.

-----------

Matt and I were hitting on all cylinders that fall. I'd never felt so close to him, and that meant that all was right with my world.

In early November, he came down for a weekend, even though we'd played our soccer game on a Wednesday night. Friday evening we went out and grabbed dinner. When we got back to the house, I took him to my bedroom for several hours of nonstop sex.

It got late. We showered, brushed our teeth, and climbed naked back into bed, continuing where we'd left off. It was the first time we'd had a sexual marathon like that. I was crazy in love with him, and so hot for him I could hardly keep my hands off him. I couldn't get enough. We went round after round; I hadn't known I had that many orgasms in me.

I fell asleep holding him in my arms, and it was almost noon the next day when I woke up to the sight and feel of him lying naked on his back, asleep with his head on my chest.

I sighed and ran my fingers through his hair, stroking his scalp. If only the eighteen-year-old Andy could have seen ahead to this moment, I thought to myself. I could have had some peace that year. Things would have been so much better…

"I love you so much it scares me," I said quietly.

His eyes opened. I was embarrassed; I hadn't intended for him to hear me. Pulling himself to a sitting position, he leaned over and kissed me on the cheek. "I know you do," he said. "But you don't have to be scared of anything. Because I'm not goin' anywhere."

I tried to speak, but my voice locked up; the emotion was surging too hard. I sat up next to him. As my eyes scanned his body, lust outpaced emotion, and almost involuntarily, my hand moved toward his piss-hard cock.

He flinched when I made contact. I took two fingers and, ever so lightly, traced up the length of his cock. Bending down, I kissed its head.

"I want you," I told him.

He laughed. "Again? All night long wasn't enough?"

"Stand up," I said. We got up off the bed, and I put my hand on his chest and pushed him past the nightstand to the bedroom wall and up against it. There, I dropped to my knees and began licking his nuts.

He groaned.

I stuck my right middle finger in my mouth and got it good and wet. Then I licked up the shaft of his cock, and taking him into my mouth, I pressed my spit-covered finger against his asshole and gently pushed in.

He groaned again.

I worked on him for about five minutes, fucking him with my finger and sucking his dick. When I could tell he was getting close, I focused my awareness completely on taking him over the edge.

Somewhere, miles away, I heard the door open and Trey's voice say, "We're going to lunch. You wanna…"

I looked up in shock. Trey's eyes were so big, they looked as though they'd taken over the rest of his face. "Oh, fuck. I'm sorry, man, I…"

Matt groaned again, and pulled my head back toward his groin. "Fuck it, man, you got me too close now. C'mon. Please." I tried to ignore Trey as I opened my mouth and let Matt back in.
He pulled my head into him as he fucked my face. Thirty seconds went by, and then a low growl forced its way from his throat. His breath caught in his chest, I felt his dick swell, and volleys of semen began jetting into my mouth. I swallowed as much of it as I could.

When his orgasm had subsided and his dick was getting hypersensitive, I let him pull out. I turned, mortified, to look at Trey, who was standing there transfixed, squeezing his dick through his jeans. Spying my boxer briefs on the floor by the bed, I walked over and picked them up. After I'd used them to wipe the excess cum off my mouth, I turned back to Trey.

"What the fuck, man," I said, frowning. "Why don't you ever knock?"

"Why don't you lock the fuckin' door when you're gonna have gay sex?" he said calmly, watching Matt clean himself up with a towel and continuing absently to grope his dick.

I stood facing him, covering my hard-on with my hands. "Would you get out?"

Matt shrugged his shoulders. "Too late for that, I guess. I don't care what he saw."

That cracked Trey up. "I think I seen your junk before, Andy, so get over it."

"Yeah, well, my junk didn't get serviced, thanks to your privacy-disrespecting ass."

"So I owe you, then. What should I do about that?"

He looked at Matt, his eyes twinkling.

"Yeah, it's fine with me," Matt said. "But I don't leave the room."

Trey nodded, walked over to me, and pushed me back onto the bed. He knelt down, wrapped his hand around my cock, and began stroking.

"You owe me more than a fuckin' hand-job," I muttered, scowling at him.

He looked over at Matt again, raising his eyebrows.

"Oh, please," I said. "Like you're goin' there."

"You don't think I'll do it?"

"You already told me you'd turn purple and drop dead if you ever had a dick in your mouth."

"Well...maybe I'm a little more open-minded now. Maybe two years of your faggotry loosened me up. Anyway, you're tellin' me you'd turn down a knob-job from me? I mean, assuming it's okay with your boy, here."

He looked over at Matt.

Matt shrugged. "I told you. It's fine. Get on it."

I frowned at them in disbelief. "Don't I get any say in this?"

Winking at Trey, he walked over and smacked me, open-handed, on the side of the hip. "Nope. Anyway, tell me you haven't wanted his mouth on your cock."

"That’s right, Sharpe," Trey said. "You been wantin' a blowjob from me since the first day you saw me. So shut the fuck up. And just remember, this is a one-off. Now lie back and enjoy it."

"Whatever," I mumbled, rolling my eyes. My cock throbbed in anticipation, though.

"Only reason I'm doing this is you got me worked up watching your buddy there shoot off in your mouth," he said.

He went over to the door and looked out into the hall. "Hey, wait up about ten minutes, okay?"

"We're going now," I heard Shane call out to him. "Meet up with us."

"Okay," he shouted, shutting the door.

He pulled his t-shirt over his head and threw it on the floor. With his left foot, he removed the shoe from his right foot and then used the same kind of move to take off his left shoe. Loosening his belt, he undid his jeans, pushed them down around his ankles, and stepped out of them. Matt walked over to him, laughed, and in one yank, dropped his boxers to the floor.

Trey grinned at me. "There. Matching outfits. Better, don'tcha think?"

I nodded, watching him give his hard cock a few tugs as he climbed onto the bed and positioned his face over my dick.

He put his mouth on me and went to work, stroking his cock the whole time he sucked me off. He did a pretty good job for a straight guy who'd never sucked dick before, and when I came, he kept me in his mouth and swallowed everything. I was stunned.

When I was done, he lay on his back, grabbed his dick, and began heading for the big finish. I looked over at Matt, who was sitting on my desk chair and watching us. He rolled his eyes and said, "Whatever. Go ahead."

"I don't have to. It doesn't mean…"

He didn't let me finish. "What he said yesterday: I know it's true. Suck him off, I don't care."

"You don't have to," Trey said. "I didn't do you so you'd reciprocate."

"You don't want it?" I asked.

"Didn't say that," he grinned.

"Well, you heard the man. I'm supposed to suck you off."

"Do it, then," he said.

It didn't take long. Before I knew it, I was swallowing Trey's semen for what would be the last time.

---------

After it was over, Trey sat up. "Okay, let's go to lunch."

"We smell like sex," Matt said.

"So everybody take a quick shower."

Matt laughed and scratched his balls. "The three of us? You want some of this too?"

"Separately, I mean. You're pretty, but I don't go that way any more than you do."

"Except for this character," Matt said, cocking his head in my direction.

"Yeah, tell me about it; me too, kind of," Trey said, rolling his eyes.

"Okay, I'm first," Matt said, and he headed off toward the bathroom.

"Towels are in the cabinet," I yelled after him. Turning back to Trey, I asked, "Where's lunch?"

"Treviño's," he said. "Wanna go one more time while he's cleaning up?"

I laughed. "Do you want to?"

"Hell no," he said, grinning. "I just wanted to see how bad you still had it for me."

"I got what I want," I told him, nodding in the direction Matt had gone. "And no offense, but it's not you."

"That's as it should be," he said. "But..." he patted the empty space next to him on the bed. "Sit here," he said.

"Why?"

"Just do it, okay?"

I scooted over next to him. He reached out and locked his arms around me. Lying back, he pulled me on top of him, lifted his head, and pulled mine toward him. He looked me in the eyes and said, "One more time, just so you'll remember." Then he pulled me into a long, tender kiss.

When we separated, we sat up, breathing heavily, and stared wide-eyed at each other. "I'm glad it worked out with him," he said quietly. "And I know I could never go there, so it's a little crazy, I guess...but I feel real close to you. Closer than I've ever felt to any guy.

"I'm not sorry for anything we did," he said, staring into my eyes. "Including giving you head just now. I liked making you feel good like that. You've gotten me off like that a lot of times, and I wanted to show you. I wanted to make you feel that good too. Sharpe, these two years...If I had to do it all over, I'd do it just like we did the first time. That's what this kiss was for. Just to say it. Well, that and...I just wanted to. I'm not ashamed of it. I wanted to feel it one last time, and I wanted you to know all that. And...well, you ever need me, I got your back."

I couldn't speak. All I could do was nod at him and take deep breaths so that I wouldn't lose it.

It was an uncomfortable scene for both of us. After a few awkward moments, he said, "Hey, this'll go faster if I hit the downstairs shower. Let's take your car when everybody's done."

He grabbed his clothes and walked out of the room.

Recovering, I went to join Matt. I opened the bathroom door, went in, and stepped into the shower with him.

"No funny stuff. I'm clean," he said as he moved over to give me access to the shower head.

I stepped in and smacked his ass. "I'm too hungry to do sex."

---------

At lunch, Shane and Josh asked Matt about us.

"I don't know what it is," Matt told them. "I never much gave it a thought. Andy's been my man since we were eight. The rest just kind of came along when I realized…" He stopped and looked over at me with concern.

"It's fine," I told him. "Say it."

"No. That's our business." Turning back to the other guys, he repeated, "I don't know what it is. What I am. Does it have to be something?"

"I guess not," Shane said. "It's just I don't know which way is up anymore about all this gay and bi shit. If I tried to suck a guy's dick I'd prolly throw up on him. But it's hella more complicated than I used to think; I don't know what's up. Especially with people like you…and this guy. I know what y'all were doing back at the house." He pointed at Trey, who blushed, no doubt remembering the line that he'd just gotten through crossing. "But I'm good with it these days. I don't know shit about people, I realized. And I don't care."

Josh cared, though. "I don't think guys who like doin' other guys are disgusting," he said. "Obviously. I'm fine with Kyle; was from the first minute we heard he was gay. And I'm fine with Andy, and I get it that some guys'll take a walk on the wild side just to get their rocks off." He looked at Trey and laughed. Trey stuck his tongue out.

"But I sure couldn't ever blow a guy. And you and Sharpe, man…I mean…I don't get what's going on with y'all. Are you, like, boyfriends? I thought Andy had a girlfriend."

"I do," I said. "We're not boyfriends. We're best friends. We've always been best friends."

"Best friends who fuck," Josh said. "That don't sound like standard-issue best friends."

"I don't know. The sex just seems like a part of it now," Matt told him. "It's not just getting off. I like him like that." He turned back to me, and our eyes met as he added, "I love him like that."

I swallowed hard and worked to keep myself from melting into a puddle. Facing them again, he said, "But I got a girlfriend too."

"You're bi, then?" Shane asked.

"I don't know," Matt said. "I don't think so. Other guys don't do it for me."

Shane frowned. "So how can you…"

"I don't know," Matt insisted. "I don't care. It's just him. Okay?"

He put a hand on mine.

"Ewww. Stop," Josh said. I looked at him sharply. "Kidding," he grinned.

Trey took a swig of his Coke and looked hard at Matt. "Your girlfriend. Does she know about y'all?"

Matt stared hard at him. "Not yet."

"Don't you think she should?"

"You don't have to tell her," I said to him.

"It's early. We'll see," he said.

Nobody spoke for a half-minute. Shane broke the uncomfortable silence. "Well, anyway straight, gay, bi, whatever, you're okay. Come stay for the weekend any time. You watch enough of our games, though, you'll see I got more skills than Sharpe and I'm a fuck-ton hotter than he is. But don't get any ideas."

"I'll try to hold myself back," Matt told him.

We moved on to other subjects. Lunch flowed easy, and Matt fit in just fine. They even tolerated his opinion that soccer was the girly-man version of football.

---------

The school year rolled on.

Life was perfect: The first two years I'd spent at college, tide-swept and casting about in a frenzied blur, felt more and more like a dream I'd had in the grip of a high fever. Things were different now. My brain had slowed down and become quieter; my storm-tossed head and heart had found harbor in two people.

Angie and I spent most of our free time with each other. We studied together, did laundry together, watched TV together, hung out with each other's friends together from time to time. We fell seamlessly back into each other's lives, picking up where we'd left off in the final years of our adolescence and moving onward together. She brought me into herself while keeping herself strong and distinct at the same time. She was the only woman who'd always been able to stand up to my intensity; she was the only one who could call me out when there was a need. And, to my permanent amazement, she loved me the whole time she was doing it. Even when I was at my worst.

Not only that, she gave me time and space--and even more importantly, her blessing--to love Matt.

One weekend that spring we'd been out on the town for a night of drinks, Chinese food, and a new movie called A Knight's Tale. Afterward, we went to her place, climbed into her shower together, and then crawled into her bed naked for a little intimate time.

Afterward, we lay there talking about the week we'd just had and the movie we'd just seen. I'd liked it more than she had. "You're just hot for Heath Ledger," she said, kissing me on the back of the neck.

"Of course I am," I said. "What's not to be hot over?"

"Do you think he's hotter than I am?"

"He's a hotter man than you are, that's for damn sure."

"Yeah, okay," she said, wrapping her fingers around my penis and stroking just under its head with her thumb, "But who makes you harder?"

I closed my eyes, enjoying the sensation. "Keep doin' that for a few minutes, and I'll let you know."

"Maybe what I should really be asking is 'Who makes you harder, me or Matt?' "

The interior Klaxon screamed a warning, and I sat up, alert and wary.

I looked into her eyes, tamping down my sudden anxiety. "Angie, what the fuck? Where did that come from? You know I..."

"Whoa, cowboy. Grab them reins. I'm not about to go off on you. I want to hear what you have to say."

I frowned. "Are you starting to doubt me? Doubt us? Where's this coming from? I thought you were the one who said I should..."

"I am. I know your feelings for Matt don't touch what we have. But I wonder sometimes if you know it. So let's talk about it. Be honest with the two of us."

"The two of us?"

"Yeah. Me and yourself. Tell me upfront. Make a comparison."

My jaw dropped. Talk about your no-win situation. I couldn't answer her. But how could I refuse to answer her? And lying wasn't even a possibility.

"Angie..."

She looked deep into my eyes. "You're safe, boy. Whatever answer you give, you're safe. Trust me, now, and tell me the truth. Do you feel it more for me or for Matt?"

"I...you know that girls make me harder faster. Always have."

"That's not what I asked. Answer the real question."

I tried to keep my face from doing deer-in-the-headlights. "It's not an answerable question. And not because I don't want to."

"Give it a shot."

Her face was open, warm, loving. But she was taking us into shark-infested waters.

Thinking ninety miles an hour, I began. "I need you each in different ways," I said.

I paused and waited for something to come to me, something that made sense and moved us past this hazard. But nothing came.

"Okay...Is that all?"

I shrugged. "That's all I know how to say." Then an insight came to me. "The stuff in common is the intensity and the passion and the intimacy. I feel it so much, for both of you. Beyond that, it's different. I love you for everything you are. And I love Matt for everything he is. And the two of you are nothing alike, except for being the two best people on the planet."

She positioned herself behind me and began massaging my shoulders. "I know that what attracts you to me isn't the same as what attracts you to Matt. I just wondered if the love you had for one of us felt more...I don't know...more true to who you are, or something."

"You know what I want with you, don't you? I mean, we haven't had anything like The Talk yet, not explicitly...but part of me has known since I was a teenager that you and I..."

"Yes. I know. Me too, Andy," she said.

"Well...are you asking me this because you're wondering if I can pull it off?"

She smiled. "No. I'm asking you this because I know you can pull it off, and I'm trying to ask you leading questions, because I have an opinion about something. And I want you to feel secure enough to confirm it, and realize that we're still okay."

"Oh yeah? What's the opinion?"

"No...That's for you to voice. And I mean it when I say you have nothing to fear in all this. So tell me: Does your love for Matt feel somehow more...more total than your love for me? Tell the truth."

"Angie, there's nothing about my love for you that feels partial or like some kind of fuckin' fall-back option."

"You're not exactly answering the question. You're dodging it."

Damn her. I'd never even voiced this consciously to myself, and she'd intuited it.

"Why are you doing this to us?" I pleaded.

"I'm not doing anything to us. I'm trying to show you something. Answer the question."

I did what any cornered animal does: I got angry.

"Okay, dammit." I scowled at her. "Loving Matt...it's like I don't know where he ends and I begin. I don't know where I end and he begins. Loving him feels like…like merging. He feels like the lost part of me that life tore away. Making love to him feels like...god, Angie: It feels like coming home."

I paused, looked at her, and took a deep breath. "It's not that way with you."

I could see the wheels turning in her head. Beyond that, her expression was unreadable. I couldn't stand the silence, and I was unhappy with her for backing me into admitting what I'd just admitted. To her and to myself.

"So there it is," I spat, glaring. "Are you fuckin' happy now?"

"Yes," she said.

I wasn't. I was scared about how she'd take my admission. I needed two thousand more words to explain myself. I was afraid she couldn't possibly understand what my words said about how I felt about her.

So I said, "Look, that doesn't mean...I mean, you and me, that's not a second-best...I've loved you since I was a kid. I want a life with you. I want to hold you at night, fall asleep in your bed, wake up with you in the morning, raise our kids with you. I wanna grow old with you and die with you. I want you to be the one I make a home with. I don't want that with Matt, and he doesn't want that either. Why can't you believe it? Why can't you see that my feelings for Matt don't touch my feelings for you or what we have?"

"Umm...Andy...did you just ask me to marry you? Is this The Talk?"

My eyes got wide, and to my embarrassment, she laughed. "Sorry," she said. "I was just yankin' your chain. Look...who said I don't believe all that stuff? I just wanted you to know you don't have to hide any of your love for Matt from me."

"I don't hide it."

"Well, no...you don't; but I think you've been reluctant to own up how complete and total your love for him is. I know that it's…well, more primal than your love for me."

"That's not true. It's not more primal. It's..."

"Well…okay, maybe that's not quite the right word. But the reason I'm saying this is because of course I see where we're going together. And you need to know I'm fine with your love for Matt. Otherwise we'll start our life together with you trying to hide those feelings from me. And I don't want that. I don't want to make a life with someone who feels like he has to hide part of himself for the sake of my feelings."

You don't deserve this woman, The Voice told me.

I know. Shut up, I told it. I want her anyway.

I got off the bed and grabbed a pair of boxers that I kept in her top drawer. Stepping into them, I said, "Do you have any idea how much I love you?"

"Yes. I do," she said, walking over and hugging me. "That's my point in all this."

"I appreciate that. But there's something that makes all this a moot point anyway."

I sighed; I'd done my best to keep this subject at bay, even in my own consciousness.

"Matt and I…who knows what's gonna happen? He has his life to live and I have mine. We don't know where life is gonna take us."

"No, you don’t. But you can still make some decisions about what's gonna happen, and maybe you need to."

"I don't know what you mean," I said.

"I'm not gonna spell it out for you," she replied.

"I'm not thinking past now with him," I said. "I'm just happy to have him like I do now. But this is kind of an interim time, you know? He'll make a life for himself and I'll make a life for myself, and neither of us are wired to…to…you know; to be with another man forever. So I don't even see how this is relevant to you and me."

"You're not stupid," she said. "You do know, and I'm a little concerned, because you never deal well when there's unfinished business. I get what you're saying, and I think it's fine that you two are in such a good place right now, and you're right; we don't know the future. But you're putting off something."

"Talk about 'putting off' only makes sense when it's something that you can do something about and you don't do it," I said. "But you're talking about something that's going to happen. It's the way things are. It's the whole growing-up-and-getting-a-life thing. It's not something anybody controls. I love Matt, but it's you I want to make a life with. He'll make a life with someone else too. That's what it's all about. I just want to enjoy now with him. Who knows where either of us will be in ten years. That's why this whole thing you're talking about isn't relevant to you and me."

"You're wrong, and I'm right. As usual," she said with a smirk. "You have some decisions you need to make about Matt. But you don't even see that yet, and it's your business and his; it's not my place to get involved with all that. So I’m done with this conversation for now." She took my cock in her hand again, and before I knew it, the storms she'd churned up in my head were chased out by thoughts of a completely different kind.

---------

That spring, Matt and I got together for the weekend at least once a month. I'd drive up to see him, or he'd drive down to see me, or we'd both drive back home to spend time with the parents and with each other. Occasionally, if a weekend came around when her parents weren't using the lakehouse, Angie would give us the key. On those weekends, when we weren't outside--and sometimes when we were--the sex was almost nonstop. Every time we got back from the lake, my dick and my butt were sore for a couple of days.

I still wrestled with the idea of a straight man agreeing to be lovers with his best buddy. There was a part of me that wasn't sure Matt was into it as much as I was. But I knew enough to realize that if I kept on talking about it I'd hurt him, and I was determined to be done hurting him.

It helped that he was still seeing Julie. If I'd had Angie and he hadn't found a woman he really cared for, the guilt would probably have become an issue. But he was coming to care for her more and more, and it was starting to look like Julie might be the girl he'd stay serious about.

As for the things Angie had brought up about dealing with the future, I just couldn't go there. I knew it was likely that as Matt and I moved into our adult lives, time and place would prevent us from being what we were to each other right now. But I couldn't think about that, because there was nothing I could do about it. And if we weren't meant to be lovers as we moved into our adult lives, I took some satisfaction in knowing that he'd found someone.

I was lying in bed with him one weekend when I decided I wanted to hear him tell me just how serious it was.

"You and Julie are great together," I began.

"Sure feels like it."

"Do you see her in your future?"

"Yep. We're going camping next weekend."

"You know what I mean, stupid."

"Yep."

"Well?"

"Well, maybe I want to take it a day at a time. Is that okay with you?" he asked, bristling with irritation.

"Of course. I'm sorry," I said.

"It's fine," he said. "I just don't want to speculate. We'll see how things go. All I can say right now is that it's looking good. Okay?"

"Okay, " I told him. "Look, I didn't mean to..."

He leaned over and kissed me on the lips. "I know. I get it. I'm not mad; how can I be mad at you when you just want me to be happy? All I know is it looks good. Time will tell."

"Will you tell her about us?"

"I'll have to, won't I? Some time, anyway."

I tugged at my chin, rubbing my thumb over the scruff I hadn't shaved off in a day. "Maybe you don't. Not if you don't want to. It's our business, right? And it doesn't have anything to do with her."

"Yeah, how would that approach have gone with Angie?"

"She's not Angie."

He shot me a near-glare. "Maybe she is for me."

"Well then, you should tell her about us."

"It's not time yet," he said.

"Well, when..."

"Shut up," he said, rolling over and climbing on top of me. "It'll take care of itself at the right time. Let me think about you right now."

I felt his hard dick press into my abs and realized I'd be a fool not to accommodate his request.

---------

Things were deepening for all of us now; deepening with Angie and deepening with Matt. Something of the Endless Summer I'd lived in during adolescence had returned. But the love that wrapped us up in each other flowed more deeply and fully than it had even during those years.

Beyond that, our eyes were focused ahead more than they'd ever been before. Decisions weren't just about the day or the weekend; they began to be about next year, about next decade. Real Life was pulling closer and closer. Thoughts turned toward careers; toward marriage; toward building families; toward our future selves. Spouse-and-family thoughts had come earlier for us than for most men and women in our demographic, but we'd known each other longer than most people our age who ended up together. We'd shopped around and had come back to each other.

The school year came to a close. I went back to Dallas to live under my parents' roof for one final summer. All summer long, I saw Matt and Angie almost daily. Lovemaking was by now a part of the routine and rhythm of my life with them. Sex was only one component of that; probably the easiest one. The other facets of loving them took more awareness, more time, more intention. We learned by trial and error how to fit multiple facets of our lives and personalities together. And I began to practice with more deliberateness how to love Matt and Angie at the same time, with not just my feelings and my body, but with my time and my decisions.

---------

It was the first weekend we'd been back home for the summer. I had asked Matt to stop by the pool where I was working and help me shut down after hours so I could get away faster and spend some time with him. We were stacking lawn furniture when he turned to me and said, "We're taking a break."

I rolled my eyes. "God, you are the laziest person on the planet. Don't be stupid, we're just about finished."

"No," he laughed. "I meant me and Julie."

I put down the stack of chairs I'd been carrying. "What do mean, 'taking a break'? I thought things were…"

"They are," he said. "That's why, in fact."

I grabbed my keys from the office, closed all the doors, and locked the gate on our way out. "I don't get it," I said.

"We can talk about it," he said. "Meet you at your place."

It was on my mind as I drove home. I wanted Matt and Julie to work out; seeing him in a serious relationship was keeping some lingering guilt at bay.

We drove up at the same time and walked into the house together. "Hi, Mom," Matt said to my mom when he saw her in the den.

She gave him a hug and a kiss on the cheek. "Good to see you, Matt. How's the summer treating you?"

"Good. I'm working too hard, though, and I got sore muscles, so Andy's gonna give me a back rub in the hot tub."

"Let me grab a glass of wine, and I'll join you," she said. "I hardly ever get to talk to the two of you."

I looked over at Matt and gave him a quick wink. "Well, okay," I told her, "if you don't mind seeing us naked."

I waited for the reaction, and I got it: Her face turned crimson. "Oh," she said. "I didn't know. Well…"

Matt cracked up. "I'm kidding, Mom," I said. "I was gonna grab some of my old swimwear from up in my room. Go ahead and join us. Matt was just telling me about what's up with Julie."

We followed her into the kitchen. I could tell she was a little rattled, but she pulled a bottle of Sauvignon Blanc out of the wine cooler, grabbed three white wine glasses, and poured. "There. Perfect for a summer evening in the hot tub. Are you sure it's okay for me to join you?"

"Of course it is," I told her. "I just wanted to see if I could make you blush."

"You shouldn't kid your mother like that," she chided. "How am I supposed to know when and where you two have sex?"

My lower jaw hit the floor. I stared at her in disbelief. "Geez, Mom, I was just talking about skinny-dipping. You don't think…"

She didn't let me finish. "What? I'm supposed to pretend I don't know you have sex with Matt?" She took an indignant breath and turned to him. "Am I supposed to pretend I don't know you have sex with my son, Matthew?"

"No, ma'am," he said, grinning. "I'm not ashamed of it."

She turned back to me and said, "See? Your best friend's not ashamed. Are you, Andrew?"

My fool tongue was so confounded, I couldn't get a coherent sentence out. "I…We…It's not that, it's just…I mean, this is not…Mom, I can't believe you! This is not a conversation I wanna be having with my…"

"Joke's on you, sonny boy," she grinned. "Get some trunks on, Matt, and I'll meet you in the back yard with the drinks. And Andy, next time remember where you got your wicked sense of humor from before you go thinking you can take advantage of your ol' mom's delicate sensibilities."

"You better listen to your mom, dude," Matt smirked.

I stuck my tongue out at him. "You shut up and stop enjoying this so much." The two of them broke into a laugh.

I pointed upstairs to my room. "Go get your clothes off."

He raised his eyebrows. "So...we are having sex? You just invited your mom to talk to us!"

"I...go put a damn swimsuit on!"

Matt reached over and high-fived my mom, saying, "I love it when he gets left speechless."

"It doesn't happen much," she replied. "Too bad we don't have it on video."

---------

"So, what were you going to tell Andy about Julie?"

Mom had finished her wine and had poured everyone a second glass. We'd been talking about work; his, mine, hers. When the conversation lagged, she knew right where she wanted to go.

"Well..." He looked at me tentatively. "We're, uh, taking a break over the summer."

"What happened?"

"Nothing happened. We...I just thought..."

"Oh, Matt, I'm sorry," I heard Mom say. "I know how much you liked her."

"No, it's not...I mean, I do like her. I love her. We decided this together, and hopefully it's just temporary."

"I thought about this all the way here," I said, "and I don't get it. I thought you said she was..."

"She is. I'm almost sure of it," Matt said. "But it was getting real serious real fast. And, I don't know, I wanted to make sure I wasn't just more into the idea of her being the one, because of...

"Well," he said quietly, "Because of you and Angie."

He stared over at the pool.

I didn't know what to think. Hearing him say that bothered me. "Matt, are you saying you were only interested in being a couple because of me and..."

"No! It's...I mean, what you have with Angie, I have to admit...man, that's everything I want in a relationship. Y'all are so open and comfortable with each other. She even knows...I mean, you told her...I just can't believe she's okay with...well, with us."

"Yeah," I said. "But I didn't really tell her. She told me. All the way back in high school."

"I know. And you had your time apart, and now you know she's the one you want it all with."

"Well," I said, "she has med school, and I don't know if we wanna be thinking about anything permanent before she's done. We're both pretty young to be talking forever, I guess. It's just that I've done all the rest. I've been with..." I looked over at Mom and felt my face redden. "What I mean is that I've had a lot of relationships. Some were serious and some weren't. But nobody else ever made me feel like sharing my whole self. And I don't want to look any farther. She's what I need."

"Your dad and I were 21 when we got married," Mom said. "That may seem forever ago to you, but it was just a generation back. Sure, a lot of kids these days wait longer, but that just pushes the timetable back for parenting, and I've always been glad that we were relatively young parents."

"Julie's been around since we were kids," Matt said. "I went out with her once or twice in high school, but it was never serious for us back then like it was with you and Angie. It's serious now, and I have to know. I don't wanna be doing this just because you've found someone and I want it too."

"You told me she was perfect," I said. "I don't see..."

"I think she is. But we both feel like we need the space."

"So you're on a break? Like Ross and Rachel on Friends?"

"Well...exactly," he told me. "We're giving it 90 days. And we're gonna see other people, too."

I got a sick feeling in my stomach. "What does that mean? Does that mean anything goes?"

"Yeah, it does," he said. "All expectations of faithfulness are off the table. No harm, no foul. We've circled a date on the calendar: When summer's over, we get together and talk. And then we decide."

I rubbed my forehead and took another drink. "I don't know. It seems pretty crazy."

"It doesn't," I heard my mom say. "It makes a good deal of sense. It was going too fast for you, Matt, wasn't it?"

"Yes, ma'am, it was," he said. "Andy's had years of a relationship with Angie. They took a break once, and it was longer than what I’m talking about. It's the same thing, Andy. It was all that other experience that made you know she was the one."

"So you gonna go out and get that experience in three months?"

"Maybe," he said, smiling slightly.

"All of it?"

The smile got bigger. "Nope; you're all I want there, bro." He reached out and put a hand on my shoulder. I looked over at my mom with some consternation, but she just smiled.

He had more to say. "I'm not gonna use my freedom to fool around. As far as I'm concerned, Julie's the one I want to make a life with. But I think we just need some perspective. Now can we talk about something else?"

"Sure, we can, honey," my mom said. "How's work?"

My head didn't want to let go of the subject; but I didn't want to piss Matt off. So I emptied my wine glass and let go of the subject for the evening.

---------

The next weekend, he came by on Saturday morning. I was still asleep; I didn't have to be at the pool until the afternoon.

I woke up and saw him come in when I heard my door opening. He walked over to my bed, leaned over, and kissed me on the lips. "Morning, sexy," he grinned. Then he reached down and groped my dick through the sheet. His eyes widened. "You're naked."

Moaning, I sat up and pulled away from him. "What's up?"

"Feels like you are."

I laughed. "It's morning. I got wood. Everyday occurrence, so don't feel flattered."

"Yeah." His eyes were scanning me, but it looked like he wasn't seeing me. Part of him was clearly somewhere else.

"I have to tell you something," he said. "I...it's gonna change our operating procedure for a while."

"Let me wake up." I rubbed my eyes and climbed out of bed, scratching my balls.

He watched, absently, his expression tentative, as I grabbed a pair of boxer briefs from my dresser and stepped into them.

When I'd covered up my boner, I said, "What's up? What did you want to tell me?"

"You remember Laura Kirkpatrick, right?"

"Yeah..."

He walked over to the window and looked out toward the house next door. "We went out."

"When?"

"Last night."

"I thought you said…"

"Let me finish," he interrupted.

I nodded.

He walked back over to me. He focused his gaze and stared into my eyes. "We hooked up."

"You…"

"I fucked her."

"But…"

"We had too much to drink." He spat the words out with obvious distaste. "We let down our guard."

"Matt..."

"It's my fault. I shoulda never…anyway, it's done, and now I'm gonna have to tell Julie about it eventually."

He looked crestfallen. His news bothered me, but this was Matt; I had to try to make him feel better. "You said you were both free to…"

"I also said I wasn't gonna fool around. I need the time away, but I don't need to go apeshit screwing other girls. I fucked up." He squeezed his eyes shut, shook his head, and turned to the window again.

I walked over to him and put my hands on his shoulders. Kneading the muscles, I said, "Well…okay. But that's why both of you said you were free to…"

"I don't give a shit. I know what I said, and I meant it at the time, but thinking about some other guy fucking her makes me wanna put my fist through a wall! So what right do I…" He turned to look at me; his face was a mask of agony. "It hasn't even been a fucking week!"

"Matt, chill. It's not the end of the world. You got drunk and had a moment of bad judgment. You already said Julie didn't expect you not to hook up. She's not gonna hold it against you, especially if you love her enough to feel guilty even on this break."

"I guess," he said, his shoulders slumping. "I just…I have to keep it together and cut her the same slack, though. And the thought of it's making me crazy!"

"Don't get ahead of yourself. Maybe she's not interested in that."

"I know she's not, but that's supposed to make me feel better?"

I kept my mouth shut for a few minutes, watching him as he tried to collect himself. Finally I asked, "What did you mean about changing our operating procedure? This doesn't matter to me, I wouldn't judge you over this."

"That's not what I meant."

"What, then?"

"I didn't use a condom."

"Well, okay, not too smart, but I still don't…"

"Now we'll have to."

Right. The loop wasn't closed anymore.

Still, the odds were in his favor.

I reached for the can of antiperspirant on top of my dresser, sprayed generously under both arms, and threw on a t-shirt. "Have you had breakfast?"

"No."

"Let me finish getting dressed, and we'll go get some. You need some talking to."

"I'm sorry," he said.

"There's nothing to be sorry about. You know, we don't really have to use condoms. You don't have any reason to think she's…"

"No, but nobody knows these days, right? And like I'm gonna ask her how many guys she's fucked and if any of them fuck around with guys and if they all used protection? Screw that, we're just gonna have to go back to using condoms all the time, and get tested every now and then until it's safe. I'm not gonna quit making love to you. No way. But I’m not gonna take a chance. It's not just your life; it's Angie's, too."

"Come here," I told him. He walked over and put his arms out. I hugged him and said, "It's not that big a deal. I'm sure you're okay, but I appreciate the consideration. So we use condoms. In the grand scheme of things it's a blip on the radar. That's all. Eventually you'll test clean long enough to prove you didn't pick up anything, and we can go back to skin-on-skin and none of this is gonna matter."

He put his head on my shoulder. "I guess."

"Look; this'll all be okay. The condom thing is such a non-issue we don't have to talk about it again. Hell, I'll even buy 'em. The main thing is…you need to understand, I want things to work out for you and Julie as much as you do. This won't be a problem. Let's just forget about it and move on. Anyway, are you sure this break thing is a good idea?"

"More than ever," he said. "I have to test myself now. See if I'm cut out for a relationship for the long haul."

"You are."

"I know. I mean, I have you. What could be more long haul than that?"

Yeah, ask me that in five years, The Voice said, but I shut it down and tried not to let anything show on my face, as he went on: "I mean, look at what we've been through."

"Do I have to?"

"No," he laughed. "I just want to show myself that I can have it with Julie too. This break is a test now. And I'm done fucking anybody but you and her."

"Okay, then," I said. "Let's go eat."

---------

We survived the Big Condom Crisis, handled putting a layer of latex between us when we had sex, and continued on with our summer. I went to work; helped with the household chores; spent a little time with the family; and gave the rest of my time to Angie and Matt.

As the fall semester drew nearer, I found myself second-guessing my degree plan. Did I really want to spend my life working with computer networks and servers? It was a well-paying field, but it was boring. I could do it in my sleep. What would that do to me over time? My real academic passion the previous year had been in theoretical physics. That was anything but boring. I'd been inspired by my physics prof, and it began to occur to me that I'd love spending my career inspiring other students like that. After turning it over in my head for a week or so, I made a decision to change majors to physics, to go to grad school, and to aim for teaching at a university.

It would mean another year of undergrad. I wasn't sure how I'd pay for it. My parents had agreed to pay for my college degree, and since I'd gotten a full athletic scholarship, there weren't too many expenses to cover, all things considered. But now the upcoming fall wouldn't be my final school year; and after that, during the fifth year, I wouldn't be eligible to play a fifth year of soccer, so the athletic scholarship would disappear.

I talked it over with my parents. I thought I'd be getting a lecture on changing my mind so late in the game, but my dad couldn't hide his pleasure over hearing that I wanted to go to grad school and become a university professor like him. I told them I wasn't willing to hit them up for a year's worth of tuition, but they told me not to worry about it; we'd come up with something together.

With that in place, I was ready to lock something else down.

On a warm Saturday evening toward the end of the summer, after we'd made love poolside at my parents' house, Angie and I were relaxing, naked, in the hot tub.

"Nice having the place to ourselves," she murmured. Her eyes were closed, her body relaxed, and she looked completely at peace with herself and the world. And me.

Now was the time.

I stepped out of the tub and grabbed my towel. "Get dressed, okay? Somebody's bound to be back soon, and I don't want us to get caught nekkid. Be right back."

As I turned toward the house, she began pulling on her swimsuit. "Where are you going?"

"Inside. I told you: I'll be right back. Just chill. Have another glass of wine."

She was sitting on one of the deck chairs when I returned with a small box in my hand.

The astonishment on her face was worth the price I'd paid for the contents of that box.

"Andy..."

I smiled. "It's not too early, Angie...it's a long way off, but...but I know what I want. I know what I need."

I knelt down beside her. "I've known since we were teenagers, babe...there's never been anyone else who...who could walk beside me, and stand up to me when I need it, and lift me up when I feel down like you do. Nobody else who could look at all of me...all of me...and not run away screaming. You know everything about me. Everything. And you're still here. Stay here with me, Angie. Forever. I know we both have grad school to go after our undergrad...but let's make it official. Make my life complete, and say you'll marry me once we're finished with all our school. Walk through life with me. Raise kids with me. Grow old with me. And be the one who's with me at the end. I promise that every day I'll show you just how much I love you."

She wiped a tear from her right eye, took a deep breath, grabbed my hand, and squeezed it.

Then she reached over, put her hands on my chest, and gave me a shove. I fell back on my ass. "About time you asked. I've been practicing saying 'yes' to you since we were kids."

My tension broke, and I laughed hysterically. I got up, grabbed her, pulled her to a stand, and hugged her. "Put this on," I said, handing her the box.

"Is it..."

"Yeah; the one you went nuts over when we were shopping for your mom's necklace; the one I had a heart attack over when I..."

She broke in, slightly panicked. "I know! So how could you possibly aff..."

"That's what well-off parents are for. I'll be paying off Dad in monthly installments forever, so don't ever make any in-law jokes."

"You ever heard me say anything but good stuff about your dad? I love the guy! More than I love you, I think. Only reason I'm not marrying him instead of you is he's taken."

I laughed and slipped the ring on her finger, but inside I wasn't laughing; inside I was in a state of quiet awe over the life-changing significance of what we were doing here. She was so beautiful; so high-spirited and full of life, and yet so damn grounded. She could handle my intensity and bring plenty of her own, but she knew how to keep me settled down when I got too extreme.

I'd never done anything sufficiently good in life to deserve her. As that thought sunk in, I told myself that I owed life an outlook of permanent gratitude.

"Angie...I'm so..."

I couldn't finish. The words were just gone.

"I love you so much, Andy," she said. "Of course I'll be your wife. There's never been anyone else. Since we were teenagers. And there never will be."

I leaned in and hugged her. She met my lips with hers, and we had our first kiss as an engaged couple. As the heat increased, my swim trucks began to feel uncomfortable. I put my hands on her ass and pulled her crotch into mine.

"Stop," she said. "Your family's gonna be here any time."

"You're no fun," I pouted.

"I'll make it up to you later."

"I'll hold you to that, Mrs. Sharpe."

"That's Doctor Sharpe to you, buddy."

"To me? I don't think so. And you're getting ahead of yourself."

"So were you."

I sighed. "Yeah. But won't it be awesome?"

"It'll be the best. Because it'll be you and me. And our kids. And our home." Just then, Mom came through the sliding glass door. "We're back," she said.

As she approached, Angie held up her hand and flashed the ring at her. Next thing I knew, they were both shrieking and laughing and jumping up and down and hugging. "I wondered whether he'd have the nerve to go through with it," Mom told her. "I couldn't be happier, Angie. Andrew couldn't have found someone who's more perfect for him. And we've always loved you like a daughter."

"I love you...Mom," Angie said, and then my mom pulled her into a bear hug. As I watched, they both started laughing and crying at the same time.

I rolled my eyes, but I couldn't wipe the smile off my face. My insides were grinning as well.

She was mine now. Officially. And forever.

Life was good.