The Castaway Hotel - 6 - 14. Chapter 14 - A Time To Remeber, Celebrate And Worry

The next event on our calendar was the September 11th memorial activities. These events began a few days prior to the actual date, because the country had been put on alert that other terrorist attacks might occur on that date. Consensus was that those responsible for the initial attack might plan some sort of follow-up on the same date. Therefore, it was felt it would be safer if the activities were spaced out, with only the final events being held on the actual anniversary.

We sat down and discussed our various concerns as a family. We did this by talking about what had happened on 9/11, what might happen if something else occurred and what we could do as a family to memorialize those events and honor the memory of those who died in the attack. After quite a bit of debate and compromise, we finally agreed on what we thought would be appropriate. Now, all we had to do was to wait for the appropriate day to arrive.

On the morning of 9/11, we all went outside before the boys went to school. As we stood on our front lawn, I offered a prayer for all those who had perished on that day, including Vinnie’s parents. When that was completed, we spent another minute in silence, to afford the boys the time to address things in private and in their own way. Once that moment had ended, we all left for school.

I understand many of the boys watched the national memorial services on television, in their classrooms and under the supervision of their teachers. After those activities had concluded, they also discussed what they felt, both then and now, and I was pleased with the way the whole topic had been handled.

Later that night, after dark, we all went outside on the lawn again. I had passed candles out, so everyone had one, and at 9 p.m., I lit all of them. We stood holding the candles in front of us for about ten minutes, to honor of those who had died. After we extinguished the flames, the boys went to their rooms and plugged in the electric Christmas candles we always placed in our windows for the holiday. We left them glowing for the rest of the night, as another attempt to recognize the suffering of a year ago.

I guess in retrospect, I might have also been thanking God that what happened didn’t take place on the day we visited the World Trade Center. We had gone to that site before the September 11, 2001 attack and the boys had very vivid memories of our visit. Maybe it was due to that episode, and knowing Vinnie’s parents had been on one of the planes that crashed into the World Trade Center, that we were touched more personally, and deeply, than most of the rest of the country. With the exception of the friends and family of those who had lost loved ones or the lucky one who had survived the disaster, we felt a particular closeness and loss concerning those events.

Later that evening, we watched a show talking about the families left behind and the sixty-one children who lost one or both of their parents that day. That’s when Cole came over and sat on the arm of my chair, put his arm around my shoulder and spoke softly to me.

“Some of us never knew our fathers, while still more of us lost them somehow, but I’m sure glad we ended up with you as our dad.”

I was touched, so I put my arm around his waist and hugged him to me. I didn’t know if anyone else had heard what he said, until I felt Cody bouncing around on my lap, managing to crush my nuts once more.

“Are you going to be my daddy too?” he wanted to know.

“If you decide that’s what you want, then it will happen,” I told him. “When we reach that point, it will be totally your choice.”

“Really?” he squealed, before he hugged me too. His reaction made me realize that was exactly what he wanted to hear, to ease his concerns and put his world in order once more.

Before they went to bed, nearly every one of the boys approached me. Although what they did or said varied slightly, it all boiled down to the same message. They wanted to thank me for giving them a good home, a future and plenty of love. I told each of them it was my pleasure, since I had received much in return, although most feigned a look that suggested they didn’t believe I had received just compensation. Whether they agreed or not, I have.

Since Vinnie is the only one who was directly affected by the attack, I made my way to his room, once the others had departed. I felt it was important that I talk to him about this in more depth. It was too bad Kevin was away at college, because I think he would have been able to help calm Vinnie down, but we have to deal with the hand that’s dealt us.

When I knocked on his bedroom door, he didn’t respond, so I knocked again. This time I heard a weak, “come in,” in reply. When I opened the door, I could see Vinnie sitting on the bed, with tears streaming down his face. I moved in and sat beside him on the bed, before I spoke.

“Would you like to talk about it?” I asked, to get a dialogue started. He merely nodded in response, because he was still sobbing.

“Okay, tell me what you’re thinking,” I prodded.

“I miss them so much and I just can’t understand why they had to be on that damn plane on that particular day,” he responded. I could feel both sadness and anger in his reply.

“No one ever really understands why something like this happens,” I told him, “and maybe it’s better that we don’t. What is important is that you miss them. That means they are still in here,” I said, while placing a finger on his chest, over his heart, “and that means they’ll also remain in here,” I added, now placing my finger against his head.

“But it’s just not the same,” he sobbed. “I do miss them, but that’s just part of it. I also feel a little guilty about it, because I’d never have met Kevin and never come to live with you, if they weren’t on that plane. I have a feeling that might be part of the reason it happened to them, but why couldn’t I have met Kevin some other way, without my parents dying?” I was glad Kevin wasn’t here to hear Vinnie say this, since I believed he would have somehow felt responsible for Vinnie’s parent’s deaths too.

“None of us has the answer to that question, nor are we responsible for it in any way,” I told him. “There is another way to look at this though. God might have felt so badly that your parents were taken from you that he gave you Kevin to help heal the pain and give you a reason to go on. It may not have happened SO you could meet Kevin, but maybe it was only something that resulted BECAUSE it had happened.”

“I never looked at it that way,” he told me. “Why do you think it might be that, instead of what I said?”

“Well, someone had to give Graham those visions about you after 9/11,” I explained, “so I just concluded it was God’s way of letting us know you needed our help. I just had no idea at the time that Kevin would be involved, but since that’s what has happened, I’ve based my conclusion on those facts.”

“I guess I can see it your way now too,” Vinnie told me, “so maybe I was wrong hating God and thinking it was his fault. If he gave me Kevin to make me feel better, he sure knew what he was doing.” I could tell he was serious when saying this, so I gave him a hug of support. It would have been better coming from Kevin, but since he wasn’t here, I stood in as proxy.

Although things did settle down after our discussion, we talked briefly a few more times during the week. During those talks, Vinnie asked me many questions, to clarify my position or to help him deal with the loss, but the week ended with Vinnie coming to terms with his parents’ deaths and accepting the idea that he was then guided to us for love and support.

The following weekend was not as dramatic or emotional, but it wasn’t uneventful. A few weeks before, I had suggested we hold Andrew’s twelfth birthday party that Saturday. I hadn’t even considered 9/11 when we made that decision, so I hoped we could keep in upbeat and fun.

Andrew had asked if he could invite several friends and, of course I agreed. I knew who each of them were, once Andrew told me their names, because they had all attended my school. Not only were they all good kids, I also knew they also wouldn’t create any problems. It also made me glad that Andrew felt close enough with each one to ask them over. Sometimes I fear my boys get too bogged down with each other to make friends their own age, so this was definitely a good sign.

The party turned out to be our typical birthday bash, although some of the activities were toned down and geared to twelve-year olds. In the end, they all seemed to have a good time, especially Andrew, and another milestone had passed.

Other than those occasions, most of the rest of our time was spent at school and traveling to various events. There seemed to be many special activities the boys wanted us there for, both locally and those away at college, and Jake and I were eager to show our support.

Outside of the smaller functions, our first major dilemma arose for events happening two weekends later. Unfortunately, three of the colleges had scheduled parents’ weekend on the same day and put us in somewhat of a bind. This left me to try to figure out how I was going to be with Frankie, Brandon and Kevin at the same time. Yes, Jake and I would split up, if need be, but that still left only two of us to cover three different locations. This was not going to be an easy decision.

Since I wanted to get their input on this matter, I called the college boys and discussed this with them. I came away from those talks with a couple of alternatives I had not previously considered.

While speaking with Frankie, he offered to forego our coming to his campus, as we had been there for parents’ weekend the year before. He felt we could just come up some other weekend to spend time with him and he’d be just as happy. I thanked him for his offer, but told him I wouldn’t be able to advise him what I was going to do until I spoke to the others. He said that was fine, so I called the next boy on my list.

When I talked to Brandon, he informed me his parents had called to tell him they were going to fly up for parents’ weekend, so I didn’t have to worry about being there. He said, although he’d miss us, it would be better if Jake and I spend our time with Frankie and Kevin. After talking to him about this some more, I told him we’d do that, but we’d all come out to see him a few weeks later. He said that would be fine and I felt he liked the idea we weren’t going to forget about him completely.

We ended up deciding that Jake would take some of the boys and go visit Frankie, and I would take the rest of the boys to visit Kevin. We let everyone choose where they wanted to go, and Cole, Pat, Nick and Shannon decided to go with Jake. That meant Vinnie, Cody, Graham, Sammy, Andrew, Trey and Dion would go with me. I knew it didn’t split evenly, but that was fine and now we could iron out the details for our trips.

Jake and I decided to leave on Friday, after work. Since the first part of our trip would be in the same direction, we would stop for a brief break and say our good-byes before we split and went our separate ways. Leaving early also meant we could avoid most of the rush-hour traffic and wouldn’t have to fight the last minute rush to get there on Saturday. We’d be able to spend Friday night enjoying the prearranged festivities and then spend the night in a motel. We’d stay over Saturday night as well, so we would be rested and relaxed for the ride home on Sunday.

Friday night, we not only took Kevin to dinner, but we also asked Jeff and his mother to join us. Kevin and I wanted them to get to know some of my other boys, even though I only had the younger ones with me. After they accepted, we had a very nice meal and all of the boys did a lot of talking. They answered all of Jeff and his mother’s questions about what it was like to grow up in such a large and varied family. I take it they noticed that Vinnie was handicapped, Dion was black, and Sammy and Andrew were oriental. (I say that with tongue in cheek.)

The boys were very open and honest with their answers, maybe too much so for Jeff’s mother. She seemed surprised to learn that some of the boys considered themselves to be gay, but it wasn’t because she hated gay people. She was merely stunned to learn that boys this young would know and talk about such things. If only she realized that her son’s roommate was one of those gay boys and Vinnie was his lover, I wonder how she would have reacted then?

I also introduced them to Cody and explained he had only recently come to join us. They asked him a little about his past, which he answered without reservation, and when they asked him if he was glad he came to live with us, he gave a resounding “Yes!” Needless to say, they were impressed by his positive reply, as well as taken in by his angelic demeanor.

Jeff’s mother spent a great deal of time with the youngest boys and seemed to take great pleasure doting on them. Even though the boys generally felt they didn’t need assistance, they happily let her do whatever she wanted for them, which in turn pleased her. I think most of them enjoyed a mother’s attention for a change, especially Cody, so I didn’t interfere and merely watched in fascination.

Following dinner, we took a stroll around the campus, with Kevin and Jeff showing us around. Along the way, the pair introduced us to a few of the friends they’d made so far, as well as to other classmates and dorm residents. We were even included in a dorm party that was being held and I was pleased to see no alcohol was being served. It may have been because there were numerous parents on campus at the time, but I hoped that was the norm and not the exception.

On Saturday, after taking everyone out for brunch, including Jeff and his mother, we all went to the football game together. Even though Temple lost, we still enjoyed ourselves, although it would have been much better if they’d won. Once the game ended, we took a walk, to check out the surrounding community.

It wasn’t quite as small town as I was used to, but it was still geared toward meeting the needs of the college community. There were small shops and eateries catering to the students, and a few bars that were happy to entertain those old enough to drink. I think we were fairly impressed, yet still had a few reservations about some of the things we saw.

Later that evening, we went out to eat together again and then we went to the huge campus social being held, complete with entertainment. The entire day flew by quickly and we were all quite tired when it ended, so we turned in after that. We planned to meet early the next morning for a final meal together and then we’d be on our way home after that.

We had a nice breakfast and then attended an interdenominational church service together. It was a very predictable event, with the minister welcoming the students and their parents first, and then going on to deliver a pretty standard sermon after he finished. Once the service ended, we said our good-byes to Kevin, Jeff and Jeff’s mother.

This was the roughest time for Vinnie. He had enjoyed being with Kevin again and was upset because he had to leave. Noting this, I worked it so he could have some time alone with Kevin before we left. I wanted to give him a chance to give Kevin a special good-bye, hoping it would placate him.

Even after having this opportunity, Vinnie was still reluctant to part from his lover. I did try to console him by mentioning the fact that Kevin would be returning for Thanksgiving, but it was still weeks away and not soon enough for Vinnie. Eventually, I did manage to drag him away, but he sulked all the way back.

Once we returned home, I compared notes with Jake and the other boys about their weekend and discovered it was very much the same as ours. Now, we could get ready for the next event on our calendar.

The following weekend was spent at Dustin’s college, because it was parents’ weekend there. The weekend after that we spent at Penn State, with Danny, doing basically the same thing. Honestly, I was grateful when all these weekends came to an end and the feelings of déjà vu were behind me.

Near the end of October, something else came up. It all started when Graham came to me one night, looking quite concerned. I wasn’t sure what to expect when he began to speak.

“Dad, I think we have a problem,” he told me.

“And what sort of problem might that be?” I asked.

“It’s about Cody and I don’t know what to do.” I wasn’t sure what he was referring to, but I definitely wasn’t ready for something like this.

“Okay, what kind of problem are we talking about?” I pressed, wanting to get to the meat of the matter as quickly as I could.

“I don’t know how long it’s been there, but I’m seeing a gray shadow around Cody,” he informed me. “Not like with Brent, but more like what you had, just not as dark.”

“And when did you first start noticing this?” I followed, trying to pin this down.

“It might have been there the whole time, but I guess maybe I was looking at something else. I was too busy noticing how cute he was. I guess I was also surprised when he picked me, over Sammy or Andrew. They’re really closer to his own age.”

“Well, maybe he is into ‘older’ guys,” I quipped, but quickly got back to the point. “So, what else can you tell me?”

“Not much, but the other morning I was watching him sleep and that’s when I realized he had a gray shadow around him. Maybe it was because we had those real white sheets on the bed at the time, so it stood out more. I’m sorry I didn’t see it before, but I think you should take him to the doctor and have him checked out.”

“That sounds like a great idea, and I’ll follow your suggestion,” I assured him, “but I want to talk to Cody first, to see how he’s feeling. In the meantime, I don’t want you to tell him or anyone else about this until we’re sure.”

“Okay, I’ll keep it a secret,” he agreed. “I don’t want him to get mad at me because I haven’t told him about my ‘gift.’ I wasn’t sure he’d be able to understand it and didn’t want to scare him away. I’ve also asked all my brothers to keep quiet about my ability too. I don’t want to lose him. I like him too much.”

“Okay, Graham, I’ll be discrete, but I will investigate this further,” I confirmed. “I trust your perceptions too much to ignore a warning like this.”

I left Graham thinking about the implications this could have for us and then waited an appropriate amount of time before I approached Cody. I did that to make sure Cody didn’t realize Graham had tipped me off about this. When I found him alone, I asked him to take a walk with me. He looked confused, but did as I requested, and we took a walk in the woods.

“I just like to pull you boys aside every once in a while, to find out how things are going,” I offered, as way of explanation. “How have things been going and how have you been feeling?”

“Fine. Why?” he replied, still confused.

“I was just curious and a little concerned about you,” I told him. “We’ve been doing a lot of things and I haven’t had much time to sit down to talk to you, so I just wanted to make sure nothing seems to be troubling you?”

“Well, sometimes I do feel extra tired, and sometimes I have trouble catching my breath when I’m playing,” he offered, “but it’s no big deal.”

“Well, what if we just make sure it’s not a big deal?” I asked. “Would it be all right if I set up an appointment for you to get a complete physical. I just want to be sure you, like all of my other sons, are healthy. I generally do this when someone new comes to live here, so is that okay?”

“Sure, I don’t mind,” he agreed.

“Great! I’ll let you know when it is then,” I replied. I was relieved I would get to the bottom of this before long.

We continued our walk, but it was mainly so I could observe him. It also gave me a chance to show him more of our property. As we took our stroll, I had flashbacks to when I took Ricky for this very same walk, just after he first came to live with me. The feeling of déjà vu was overwhelming, but this time it evoked a favorable response, unlike the repetitive parents’ weekends.

Although I knew this was a different boy and different circumstances, the similarity was uncanny. Maybe these feelings were influenced by the physical similarity between the two at this age, but it was almost as if I had been allowed to take a walk through a time portal. I didn’t notice anything unusual about him while we were out, so I secretly hoped Graham was wrong this time, but Graham’s track record with predictions was too impressive to ignore. I would now make the appointment with our family doctor and express my concerns.