The Castaway Hotel - 6 - 40. Chapter 40 - Our Worst Nightmare

On Sunday, the others began to leave, but each of them took a few minutes to stop in and say good-bye to Cody first. They didn’t do it as if it was their final farewell, but was closer to how we acted when we took the boys back to college. Everyone made sure they let him know they’d see him again when he got home, although they didn’t go into detail about how that might be.

I don’t think this was because they were unable to come to grips with the seriousness of Cody’s situation, but we all preferred to cling to the to glimmer of hope that his condition might improve and he’d have at least a few more years with us. I was proud of the way they all handled themselves and believe they did a good enough job to make Cody consider the possibility he might be wrong in thinking he wasn’t going to make it.

Now that the others had gone, it was just the three of us again, and Graham didn’t want to leave Cody’s side. He had spent much more time away from him over the weekend than he was comfortable with, so now he seemed determined to make up for it. The boys’ favorite nurse just happened to be on the night shift this evening and I overheard Graham making a special request. I wasn’t sure how she was going to respond, but she merely smiled at the two of them, before she answered.

“If you boys want to sleep together tonight,” she began, “I’ll make sure no one else comes in here to disturb you. I know what it’s like to have a boyfriend too.”

She winked after saying this, which caused Graham to blush slightly, but Cody let out a weak laugh. He seemed to enjoy her perceptiveness.

“I’ll also make sure all his monitor wires on are one side of his bed,” she continued, “so you can sleep on his other and not get tangled up in them. Does that sound okay to the two of you?”

They both beamed and nodded, to let her know it was more than okay, and then thanked her for arranging this for them. Graham also walked over and gave her a hug, and when Cody saw what Graham was doing, he asked her to come over, so he could do the same. Happily, she obliged. She kissed each of them on the cheek afterward and I think I noticed her eyes were a bit moist, when she turned to leave the room.

Once she had departed, Graham looked over at me, to see if I was upset that he hadn’t cleared this with me first. Not wanting to spoil the moment, I just gave him a wink, to let him know I was fine with what happened. Now that he had received my tacit approval, he seemed to relax and returned to Cody’s side.

Over the next hour or so, the nurse prepared everything the way she had told them, which erased any doubts they might have harbored that something would go wrong. While she was doing this, Graham grabbed his things and went in to the toilet, to get ready for bed. He put on a pair of pajamas and brushed his teeth, and when he came out, he climbed into bed beside Cody. He gently began to snuggle against him, but was careful not to hurt him in any way. I could see Cody was glowing, even from the other side of the room, and this might have been the best medicine anyone could have given him.

Now that they were settled in, I turned away from them and lay on my side. I wasn’t sure what they might have planned, but I was going to give them as much privacy as they needed.

The night nurse woke Graham the next morning, before she went off duty, and had him move to his own bed. When Cody awoke a short time later, he looked around for Graham, but then figured out why they weren’t still together. I must admit, Cody looked better than I had seen him in quite awhile, so their time together must have helped. This morning he had a little more color in his cheeks, his smile appeared to be a little broader and he had the look of a young man in love. If only the other nurses were as understanding about their relationship, maybe the boys could do this on other occasions too and Cody might be able to keep the glow he had now.

Our favorite nurse did mention she’d be on the night shift for a couple of weeks, so maybe she’d let them continue doing this until she switched shifts again. If it had made this much of a change in Cody in just one night, I hoped she’d stay on this shift for as long as he was here.

The seizures Cody experienced from time to time seemed to grow more severe as the infection affected more of his brain. Other than that, things went as well as could be expected for the next few days. Our angel nurse continued to allow the boys to spend their evenings together and went out of her way to do special things for them. This seemed to be important to both Cody and Graham, plus it helped them cope a little better with what was going on.

She and I talked at one point, and she explained she had a nephew who was gay. She also told me she had seen the abuse he took from his peers and had noticed how isolated he seemed from the rest of the world. She felt his pain and tried to do whatever she could to help ease his suffering, but now she was thrilled to be able to extend this same support to other boys, in a similar situation.

I thanked her for her concern and help and then explained more about our family. Once she understood what we were like, I suggested she could have her nephew contact us, if he wanted to talk to other boys like himself or if he just needed some moral support. She assured me she’d pass the information on to him and was thrilled she could now do more to help him too.

Before she left to continue her duties, she made one final comment to the boys. She told them she’d knock on the door and then wait a minute before opening it, in case they needed a moment to get decent before she entered. It was tactfully put, but we all knew what she meant, and I was grateful she was there for all of us during this time.

By mid-week, however, things began to change. Not only were the seizures becoming more frequent and severe, but Cody was also struggling to breathe. The doctor had him taken down for another MRI, and when they came back, I could tell by the look on the doctor’s face that things were not good.

“I’m sorry,” the doctor began, “but not only were we unable to shrink the tumors, they are spreading and getting larger. They’re also putting a great deal of strain on his lungs and other organs. The tumors in the lungs cover much of the surface and only leave a limited area for oxygen to be absorbed through the tissue and into his bloodstream. That’s why it’s becoming so difficult for him to breathe. We’re going to put him on pure oxygen, to make sure more of it is getting into his blood, but that’s about all I’ll be able to do for him.”

“Is this the beginning of the end?” I asked, since I needed to know what to expect.

“Most likely it is,” he concurred. “Your son may show some signs of improvement at times, but for the most part, he’ll just continue to get worse. The weight of the tumors in his lungs will make breathing painful for him, so I’ll make sure I give him some narcotics, to make him more comfortable. I wish I had better news for you, but I think it’s best you know what lies ahead.”

“I understand and I thank you for what you’ve done,” I agreed. “It’s not your fault medical science isn’t outpacing all the various illnesses. Maybe someday others of your profession may know what to do to treat people with this problem, but I thank you for everything you have tried to do for him.”

No matter how sincere I had tried to be with him, the doctor did not look entirely comforted by my words. I think he felt bad he hadn’t been able to do more for Cody, but we understood he was limited more by the lack of advancement in medical science, than because of a lack of effort.

After he left, I waited for Cody to fall asleep, and then I took Graham out in the hall and explained the situation to him. He began to cry almost from the beginning, not sobbing, but merely weeping. I could tell he was still trying to keep a stiff upper lip and be a brave soldier, but I also knew this was too much to expect from someone his age. Not only that, but I didn’t want him to keep all his grief pent up inside, so I told him to go ahead and get it out of his system now, before Cody woke up.

The first thing he did was to inform me he’d spent some time alone with Kevin, when he went out with the rest of the family the other night. From what Graham told me, it appears Kevin felt it was his duty to take care of his younger brother and prepare him for what was to come. Kevin had been forced to deal with his loss without any advance preparation, so he wasn’t about to let Graham suffer the same fate. Graham told me Kevin explained what he went through and what he felt after losing Brent, but no matter how much Kevin told him, Graham admitted he still didn’t know it was going to hurt as badly as he was feeling now.

Although I was pleased to know Kevin had been so farsighted as to tackle this issue on his own, I knew there was still much more to do. I would also have to thank Kevin for doing this, but I wanted to do it in person, the first chance I got. I think his little talk did Graham some good too. I believe that by talking to someone else who had lost a lover in his teens, it would help Graham accept the inevitable and make his grief more bearable. Although there was nothing anyone could do that would take away all the pain he would eventually feel, I’m sure the time he spent with Kevin had made it easier.

Once that was out of the way, we talked about Cody’s condition. I told him what we should expect next, almost exactly the way the doctor informed me, and when he asked how long Cody had, I told him no one knew for sure. I explained the best guess was most likely only a week or so, because Cody was getting weaker. Even though he was being given pure oxygen, there was still not enough of it getting into his bloodstream, because the tumors were still growing. As this process continued to happen, the tumors would eventually cut off his oxygen supply completely and Cody’s struggle would be over.

After we finished talking, I held Graham for a while, until he calmed down. Then I sent him off to wash his face and regain control of his emotions, while I went back in to sit with Cody. He was still sleeping when I entered, but he did wake up before Graham returned. The first thing Cody did was to ask me where Graham was, so I told him Graham just went for a walk, to stretch his legs a bit. Cody seemed to accept this explanation without any difficulty, so when Graham came back, Cody never asked him where he’d been. Graham sat down beside him and gave Cody a quick kiss as he did so. After that, he remained next to Cody, on the bed, and held his hand.

I left to call Jake a short time later, so I could tell him Cody’s condition was worsening. After he was aware of the situation, we talked about bringing the boys back, so they could stay with Cody until the end came. I wanted Cody to be surrounded by his loved ones when he took his final breath and Jake agreed to bring them all back this weekend. He also said he’d see to it that they understood why.

That night, none of us slept very well. Cody had trouble because of the heaviness in his chest, which made it difficult for him to breathe. Graham and I lost sleep due to the fact that we were so concerned and upset about Cody’s problem that we kept waking up to check on him every half hour or so. At one point, I actually sat up for over an hour and watched Cody struggle for each precious breath. As I did this, I wondered how much more labored his breathing would become, before his body just couldn’t fight it any longer and he gave up.

I certainly was glad the doctor was giving him something for the discomfort, because it looked as though the pain would have been excruciating by this point. I know this may sound cruel and heartless to say, but since it didn’t appear as though there was any chance of Cody recovering, I felt it would almost be a blessing if he went now, so he didn’t have to suffer any longer.

Cody’s difficulty continued through the rest of the day and extended into the evening as well. Cody was not awake for much of that time, but I wasn’t sure if this was due to his condition or because the medication he was being given was knocking him out. Whatever the reason, it was probably best for him that he was out of it at this point, and I think it was better for us too.

I almost wished Graham could be given something too, but not just to make him sleep. It would have been nice if he could take something to ease the pain he was going through, as he watched Cody wither away. I could read the love in his eyes as he looked at Cody and pampered him, even though he knew Cody probably wasn’t even aware he was there or conscious of what he was doing. I could also see the pain on his face, as he wondered how much longer this would go on, but I knew his love was strong enough to overcome his discomfort.

That night Graham slipped back into bed with Cody, once our guardian angel nurse came on duty, but I realized he never let himself fall into a deep sleep. I wasn’t doing any better and only dozed off from time to time, because I accepted the fact that the end was probably near and wanted to be awake when it happened. I had just happened to doze off once more, when I heard Graham call for me.

“Dad, Dad, wake up!” he screamed. “I think something is wrong.” He had also come over to my bed and was trying to shake me awake.

I jumped up and turned on a light. “What is it?” I asked, before I looked at Cody and knew the answer to my own question.

“Cody’s body is jerking and he isn’t breathing normal. He’s gasping for air now. What’s wrong?” he demanded.

Before I had a chance to answer, three nurses flew into the room and began to check the monitors. However, during that time, Cody’s body, which had been jerking from the seizures, relaxed and he gasped one final time, before his body stopped moving completely. We now realized it was finally over for him.

The nurses also knew any heroic efforts to revive him would only delay the inevitable, so they merely began to turn off the machines and disconnect the wires from his body. Once that had been accomplished, they asked Graham and I to leave the room for a few minutes, while they cleaned Cody up. They explained they would allow us back in to say our final good-bye, once they had finished, so Graham and I walked out of the room, still stunned by what we had just witnessed.

As we went through the doorway, Graham started to cry, loudly, so I led him over to a chair, sat down and pulled him onto my lap. Then, I let him bawl his eyes out, as I held him. We sat there like this for about ten minutes, before the nurses came out and told us we could go back in to see Cody, but we didn’t move right away. I wanted to give Graham time to cope with his grief, before confronting him with the stark reality of Cody’s lifeless body again. When he let me know he was ready to go back in to Cody’s room, we got up, walked in together, went over to the bed and stared at that fragile blond haired boy, whom we both loved so much.

We stood there just looking at him for a couple of minutes and then Graham reached out to stroke Cody’s face. As his hand passed over Cody’s skin, he paused for a second, but then resumed what he was doing. He continued this for a few more seconds, before he bent over and kissed Cody once more on the nose, and then on the lips. When he turned to face me, his eyes were filled with tears, but his body seemed more relaxed than when we were out in the hall. I think he was beginning to accept the fact it was over. He now turned toward Cody and just looked at him lying there, so I decided it was time to see how Graham was holding up.

“Are you all right?” I asked him, as I put my hands on his shoulders, from behind. He slumped back into my body and turned his head slightly, so he could see me.

“Yeah, I was just a little shocked at first,” he admitted.

“Shocked? About what in particular?” I asked, to clarify what he meant.

“I didn’t expect him to feel so cold already,” he explained. “And his skin wasn’t really soft, like it usually is, either. It felt kind of tight, like it had been stretched across something.”

“Yes, I know how that is,” I commiserated. “I’ve experienced that before too, with others who had passed away.”

“Dad, do you think he’s in heaven now?” Graham asked me directly. I knew it was an innocent question and not intended to affect me as it did, but I had a very difficult time trying to control my emotions, once he asked it. After I took a few seconds to calm myself, I searched for the right words to say.

“Yes, I think he’s in heaven, Graham,” I told him. “Cody is now with Brent and all our other loved ones who have gone before. He’ll be there to greet us, when it is our turn to join them, so we will see him again.”

At this point Graham turned around, threw his arms around my body and began to squeeze as hard as he could. I know it was just to release some of the pent up tension he was experiencing, but it also served as an emotional release. Inadvertently, he also helped me in the process. I needed to open the floodgates to my emotional dam too, and without realizing it, he gave me the opportunity to do so. Now, we sat there hugging each other and crying over the loss we both felt. I don’t know how long we stayed this way, alone with Cody’s body, but when we felt we were finally ready to move on, I walked over to the phone, dialed home, and waited for an answer. Fortunately, it was Jake who picked up the call.

“He’s gone,” I said simply, knowing I didn’t need to identify myself or explain what I meant in any more detail.

I could tell Jake was choked up, as I could hear it in his voice when he responded. “Is there anything I can do?” he asked, sincerely.

“Yes, will you call everyone and let them know, so I can just move on and make the arrangements for Cody’s funeral. I’ll see that his body is transported home, and then I’ll contact the funeral home and get in touch with the church, to arrange for his final service.”

“Are you going to be all right to drive back?” Jake worried. “I can come there with one of the boys, so I can drive you back.”

“No, that won’t be necessary,” I assured him, although I was touched by his offer. “We won’t be leaving for a few more hours and by then I’ll be fine. I love you and I’ll see you later tonight. Tell the boys I love them too and we’ll be home soon.”

“I will,” he responded, and then there was a slight pause, before Jake spoke again.

“Josh, I love you and please be careful,” he told me, before he hung up.