Pussy Cat Pussy Cat - 12. Chapter 12

This time no one leans over me; no one looms; no one touches me. I sense rather than hear the presence; the silent man who kneels before me. I don’t raise my head. He doesn’t touch me.

“I’m sorry, Glory,” he says softly. I don’t want to hear. “I shouldn’t have done that. I shouldn’t have held you down. I can’t even begin to imagine what you went through and I didn’t try. I was so happy to have you back, I... maybe it was because I didn’t want to understand. I didn’t want to know what happened to you; I didn’t want to think about it.

“You have no idea how much I have been beating myself up over it ever since. I won’t make you do anything you don’t want to do, Glory, I swear it.”

“No... I... don’t believe you.”

“Glory...” The pain in his voice is raw, and it makes me look up sharply. “I can’t believe I hurt you so much. I didn’t ... Glory, please...”

“No... no, please. Don’t... I know... I know... They’re coming... they’re coming...” Sar’s face wavers in front of my face and I know I’m shaking. I can’t stop it and I don’t want to... I don’t know what to do. I don’t know... I don’t know... I’m screaming in my head again. There is nothing in my world except the fear and the pain. I’m lost... I’m lost... “I’m lost.”

“I know, Glory; I know. I’m so sorry I did this to you. It’s my fault. Glory please... please look at me.”

“I’m scared.”

“I know you’re scared, Glory and you have every right to be. I was cruel. I’m sorry. Please look at me; believe me. No one is going to hurt you. Look... look around you. We’re all your friends.”

For a minute, when I look up, all I see is a circle of sinister faces looming over me. I see... I feel... Closing my eyes I take a deep breath, trying desperately to calm my racing heart. I open my eyes and I see what’s really there. Sar is kneeling close but not too close. The look on his face is so tender but scared too. Is he scared for me or of me?

Behind him Felix is sitting with his back against the wall watching me anxiously while Rover is flicking between us; he loves me and he is worried about me; scared for me even but he loves Felix too and he...What have I done? Felix’s face is grey with pain and from the way he is holding himself it’s clear he is hurting. Blood is soaking into his tshirt beginning to trickle onto the floor beneath him.

I remember that he was hurt saving me. I remember how worried I was in the car, how brave he was, how... How could he have turned against me? After all that how could he possibly...? And if he wasn’t then...

I fling myself into Sar’s arms. “I’m sorry, Sar. I’m so sorry but I was so frightened. You said... you said that you couldn’t stop the Council coming; that I had to speak to them; that I had to...”

“Glory, I... After what you’d been through I had no right to say that to you; to expect you to deal with that. I love you, Glory. I would never let you be hurt by anyone. I will never let that happen. If it hurts you this much I will deal with the Council. There is no need to be frightened; never to be frightened of me. I would never, ever force you to do anything you feel this strongly about.”

“I’m sorry.” I raise my eyes to Felix. “I’m so sorry I hurt you. I...”

“It’s okay, Glory.”

“No, it isn’t. I... I believed that you were all against me; I thought that you... I should have known.”

“When we are scared we believe and feel and think all sorts of things. I’m sorry that you didn’t trust me. I’m sorry I...” His words trail off and he leans his head back against the wall, biting his lip.

“Glory, I... I love you but... I have to...” Rover is looking so worried, so... I make myself smile at him.

“Take care of him, Rover. I have Sar to take care of me.”

Giving me an uncertain smile Rover doesn’t even speak to Felix. He doesn’t bother to ask him if he’s okay because we can all see that he isn’t. Felix squeaks as Rover scoops him up in his arms then purrs and snuggles his head into his chest. Watching them retreating down the corridor I make a similar sound of surprise when Sar does the same thing and scoops me up. His arms feel so strong around me. After having been so frightened it is indescribably good to feel safe.

“You are such an idiot, Glory,” he says fondly as he carries me back to our room. “I thought you trusted me more than this now.”

“I did; I did trust you but... when we were in the car and you held me down I... I remembered... and that memory was in my mind when I woke up and then it felt everyone was against me. I’m sorry that I didn’t trust you, Sar but... the memory.”

Gently Sar lays me on the bed and lies down beside me, pulling the covers over me. Until now I hadn’t realised how much I was shivering. I’m glad he lay down. I couldn’t stand anyone standing or sitting over me. For a while he lies there, looking at me and I start to feel uncomfortable.

“I’m sorry Glory, truly sorry. I had no idea. God, what have I done to you?”

He is so gentle, so sad; how can I not be touched? How could I ever have thought that he would betray me? “I’m sorry,” I whisper. “I should have trusted you but... they hurt me, Sar. They really hurt me. They got inside my head and they hurt me. It was... it was... worse than anything that ever happened before.

“I didn’t understand what was happening and I was so lost. The only thing that was real was the pain and... and them... standing over me... holding me down... ripping, tearing.” I shudder, the horror beginning to rise again. “They hurt me.”

“Oh, Glory,” he says softly, reaching out to touch my face. “I can’t imagine... I don’t want to imagine. There is part of me that doesn’t want to know what happened because I can’t bear to think of you lost, hurt, and in the hands of those...” His face changes and darkness flickers in his eyes. “It makes me want to hurt someone.”

A strange feeling rips through me and makes my nostrils flare. I can practically taste blood. “I want to hurt them. I want to tear down the machines and smash the computers. I want to hurt them; really hurt them. I want to tear Valentine’s heart out. I want to hit him until that smug smile is gone from his face and then I want to rip out his heart.” My voice ends with a snarl and I shock even myself. Ser is staring at me with an entirely difference expression on his face.

“Glory, I have never seen violence like this in you. Weren’t you the one who stopped me looking for revenge last time?”

“Maybe I shouldn’t have. If Valentine had been dealt with last time there wouldn’t have been a this time.”

Ser looks thoughtful and I watch impassively as thoughts flutter over his face. Suddenly he shakes his head. “You’re unbalanced, Glory. It makes sense now. The extreme reactions, fear, anger, paranoia, violence... it’s all because you’re unbalanced because only one of your natures is active.”

I frown. I’ve never thought; never considered that. “But my human side is the balancing side, the side that keeps the others in check.”

“Yes, but the others aren’t here. Your human side doesn’t have anything to keep in check, nothing to balance so it’s spun completely out of balance itself. Everything is... Glory, I need to speak to Fougue.”

“No.” Panic grips me with a violence that shocks me. “No, Sar... don’t go, don’t leave me.” Something cold is creeping down my spine and turning my guts to ice.”Don't leave me alone. They’ll come for me. They’ll take me. Please, Sar; please, I need you to protect me.”

Sar looks worried now and I know why. What’s happening to me? Where are these strange, violent emotions coming from? Even though I know I’m being stupid, overreacting, I can't stop them. I have no control. When Cat was around it wasn’t exactly easy to keep him on a leash but at least when he was freaking out he had an ability to pull it back, to get his head sorted again and all it took was a warm fire and gentle touch and the feelings would be gone.

I don’t understand why... “I have to go and speak to Fougue, Glory. You are going to be fine here for a few minutes.”

“No,” I cling to him and when he tries to gently disengage himself the terror goes up a few notches. He takes my hand and holds it tightly. “I won’t leave you, Glory. I hate to see you like this. I won’t make it worse. I...”

Both of us jumped, startled when the door opened.

“I just wanted to check if everything was... Oh, hell.” Rover’s eyes went wide when he looked into my face and panic flutters again. What does he see?

“Get Fougue,” Sar says simply and Rover instantly disappears.

“Where’s he going? Who’s he going to bring?”

“You heard me, Glory. He’s brining Fougue.”

“But what if...?”

Sar pulls me close and presses my head into his shoulder, stroking my hair. “It’s going to be alright, Glory. Just hang in there. Try to relax and stop being so scared about everything and it’s going to be alright. I won’t let anyone hurt you. I won’t let the Council come near you. I won’t make you do anything you don’t want to.”

“Promise?” I whisper, finally beginning to feel safe; to believe.

“I promise.”

I let my body relax; let myself feel Sar’s hand stroking me and his love surrounding me. I believe and I feel safe.

I very nearly drift off to sleep but jerk awake again when the door opens. I would have sat up and leaped from the bed if Sar hadn’t been holding me, stroking me. “It’s Fougue,” he whispers and although it was hard, I force myself to believe him.

“What’s going on?” Fougue’s voice was soft and concerned.

“I think it’s that fact that his natures are out of balance. His human side is getting very unstable. He’s scared of everything and paranoid that he’s going to be taken away by the Council and experimented on again.”

“Where did he get that idea from?”

“I’m afraid it was from me. I didn’t realise this was happening to him. I mentioned that the Council wanted to study him and Felix and he jumped to the wrong impression.”

“Understandably, given the circumstances.”

I’m not really listening. I’m fighting with my feelings, struggling to let Sar’s stroking hand soothe me. It’s getting harder and harder. I jump, terrified, when a hand touches my shoulder.

“It’s alright, Glory; take it easy. It’s only me. You know me. You trust me.” For a moment I don’t know if I do but, finally my common sense asserts itself and I nod, sniffing. “Can you tell me how you feel, Glory?”

“Scared,” I whisper.

“What are you scared of?”

“I... I don’t know. Of them.”

“Who are ‘them’?”

Thinking about it makes my pulse start to race again and my stomach flips. Sar has his arms around me and Fougue is safe and... but... Tears are streaming down my face and I’m shaking uncontrollably. “They’re going to get me. They’re going to hurt me again.” The panic is beginning to spiral. Soon it will be out of control.

“It’s alright, Glory; we know. We know and we’re going to protect you. You trust me, don’t you? We’re all going to protect you. Felix is scared too isn’t he? Felix went through the same thing and he’s scared but he trusts us and he’s not very well. You remember what happened to him, don’t you? He’s not doing so well and he needs you. Do you think you would be able to come and see him, to talk to him and make him feel safe?”

“Felix?” Felix is ill. “Oh. That’s my fault. I hurt him.”

“No, Glory. It’s alright, you didn’t hurt him. He got up too soon. He came to see you when he wasn’t well enough and now he’s ill. Will you come?”

I remember. I remember the car and the blood and how much I wanted Felix to be alright. It was okay when we were in the car; I was okay because I was looking after him. I had to think of him and not me and when I was doing that it was okay. Maybe I could think about him now. Maybe I could help him. Maybe it will be alright.

“Okay.”

Slowly I roll away from Sar and get to my feet. I catch an odd look between Fougue and Sar but mange to ignore it and feel strangely proud of myself.

My heart pounds a little when I go out into the corridor but I have Fougue in front and Sar behind and I feel safe. For the first time being naked makes me a bit uneasy but I manage to push that down because I am focussed on Felix and I’m worried about him.

Rover’s room isn’t far and, when we reach it Fougue pauses.

“Let me go first, just to make sure he’s okay to see you.”

Makes sense. As soon as the door closes, Sar puts his arms around my waist. “You okay?”

“Yes. Do you think Felix is okay? I kicked him, Sar. I kicked him and made him bleed. I didn’t mean to.”

“I know, my darling. I know you didn’t.”

“I don’t want to hurt Felix. I like Felix. I didn’t like him in the beginning because I was jealous of him. Rover was my friend and now Felix is... But I’m okay now. After what happened when... I’m glad he’s got Rover. I think that it was Cat who...” It comes flowing back and I start to cry.

Sar hugs me tightly. “He’ll come back, Glory. He’s still in there, I know it. He’ll come back.”

“It doesn’t feel right, Sar. I don’t feel right. I feel... I feel... strained; as if I’m stretched too thin and I’m going to break.”

“You won’t break; you’re too strong for that. We’ll get you through it. Just trust me, Glory, and Fougue too. We’ll get you through it. Do you believe that?”

I look up into the chocolate brown eyes and something melts. “I do, Sar; I do trust you. I’m sorry I...”

He touches my lips with his finger. “You have nothing to be sorry about. I’m the one who should say I’m sorry. I know what you’ve been through and I should never have said that.”

“No you don’t, Sar,” I say softly. “You don’t know what I went through. It’s was... and it’s still... I’m sorry; I should be stronger.”

“You are strong. You’re the strongest person I know. Do you remember how hard you fought me in the beginning? Do you remember how, the more I hurt you the harder you fought?”

“I remember.”

I close my eyes as he kisses me but we don’t have the chance to kiss for very long.

“When you’ve quite finished.”

Fougue’s voice is so disapproving that, after a glance at Sar I start laughing; I can't help it. He laughs too and we’re still giggling like teenagers when we follow an irritated Fougue into the room.

Felix doesn’t look well. He’s propped up in bed on lots of pillows and Rover is sitting next to him looking worried. He looks up when we come in and there is something in his eyes that makes me uncomfortable. There is not a shred of accusation there; in face quite the reverse; but I feel guilty nevertheless.

The dressings across Felix’s chest are clean now but I remember the blood leaking from between his fingers in the corridor.

“I’m sorry, Felix. I’m really...”

“Glory, I was there, remember. I know what happened there. Do you think I’m not scared and confused too?”

“No, I...”

“Come here.”

I’m reluctant, but there’s a look in his eyes that draws me across the floor. He holds out his hand and when I take it, it’s cold and shaking a bit. I can't take my eyes away from his. They are golden and now I know why, but...

“You’re hurting.” He nods, tight lipped. “I mean, you really are hurting, not just because Fougue told you to pretend to.”

Felix smothers a grin and his eyes flick over my shoulder. “I figured you’d see through that.”

“I’m scared, not stupid. Fougue’s a terrible liar.” I earn a brighter smile. “I know you all keep beating me down on this but I am sorry. I was so... scared. I thought they were coming for me.”

“I wasn’t so happy with the idea myself.”

“Are you going to...?”

Again Felix’s eyes flick over my shoulder, then they slide away. He turns his head away and leans into Rover, who immediately puts his arms around him. “I don’t know.” He sounds really tired. “I trust Rover with my life... and I trust Sar and Fougue too but... I’ve tried to be brave but when you... I looked at you in the corridor and your fear kind of got through to me and I... I remembered and...”

He starts to cry and I climb up on the bed and slide my arm around his waist. Rover’s eyes are wide with surprise and horror, not because of what I’m doing but because of the fact that Felix is crying harder now and shaking even more. I get the idea that he’s been holding it all in.

“You understand,” I whisper and Felix turns away from Rover to throw his arms around me. I can feel his heart thumping and neither of us have to say a word. No one comes near and I have the feeling that no one was expecting this and don’t know what to do. And then I lose the world and there’s just me and Felix and what happened that cuts us off from everyone and everything else because we’re the only ones who understand.

Surprisingly I pull myself together more quickly than he does. Maybe it’s because I’m so tired, or because I feel kind of washed clean of all the emotions. There is no way that anyone could fake pain like this and I know beyond a shadow of any kind of doubt that even if everyone else is in some kind of huge conspiracy, which I don’t any more, Felix isn’t and couldn’t be part of it.

I start to stroke his ear and the choked sobbing gradually begins to easy. “It’s alright, Felix. We’re going to be alright.”

He lifts his head and looks into my eyes. He tries to smile. “I was supposed to pretend; to give you something to think about, to distract you from your fears... and I thought I could but...” He closes his eyes and shudders. “It all just...” He opens his eyes and looks at me again. “I thought I could do it. Rover’s been great and Fougue. I thought I understood, that I would be able to... but I can’t.” He looks up at Fougue and Sar. “I can't let them...”

Rover rests his hand on Felix’s shoulder. “You don’t have to. I’ve told you that. You were the one who insisted you could handle it. You were so damned determined to show me how strong you are. I told you that you needed time to think about it before you committed yourself to anything.”

Felix goes rigid in my arms. “Oh no. Oh my god. I told them... I told them I would... They’re coming, Glory. I told them that I could do it; that I would cooperate and I was afraid that if I didn’t do it straight away I would lose my nerve and Sar asked if I would feel better if they came here, and I said... yes... and I thought... and it was... and now...”

“Ssh.” I know that he’s hyperventilating and that, that wasn't a good thing. “It’s okay. I understand... but Sar promised that I wouldn’t have to speak to them, that no one would do anything that I didn’t want to and that goes for you too.”

“I...”

“It’s true, Felix. Neither of you has to speak to anyone; not now, not ever. I can tell the Council’s scientist to go home. You don’t have to speak to anyone.”

Felix and I exchange a look and he nods slightly. I turn to Sar and smile. “We’ll talk to them, Sar. If you and Rover are with us and they don’t touch us, or wear white coats, or make us do anything. And if we’re in here or somewhere comfortable and safe. We’ll talk.” Felix tenses, then sighs and relaxes. Both Fougue and Sar smile but the look in Sar’s eyes is worth every bit of fear that gnaws at me at the thought of having to even speak to the scientists.