Pussy Cat Pussy Cat - 14. Chapter 14

I am so good; so good; all the way back to our room. Although I am holding Sar’s hand tightly I’m calm; my head held high; my panic in check. All the way to my room. All the way. But as soon as I walk through the door my legs crumple.

I’m numb. I’ve never been so afraid. I’m so frightened I feel nothing. I’ve heard the words ‘paralysed with fear’ but even though I have been goddamned frightened so many times, my fight or flight instinct always, always took over. Now I know. I can't move. I can’t run. I can't fight. I can't think.

I barely hear Sar’s voice; barely feel his arms around me. If I could gather my thoughts enough to speak my throat is too tight to get my words out. Sar is coaxing me to my feet and I let him. As soon he can he scoops me up and carries me to my bed. I’m still numb when he lies me down and strokes me. I can hear him speak but his words don’t make any sense to me.

My heart is hammering so loudly I can hear it and it’s getting hard to breathe. Gradually colour is leaking into my numb mind and it’s black and grey. Sparks are exploding inside my head, bursts of remembered pain. Fear sweeps over me; wave after wave: memories mixed with nightmares and visions. I hear a horrible tortured whimpering and realise that it’s me.

And then Fougue is here. I feel his hand on the back of my neck. He raises my head and puts a cup to my lips. I drink automatically, barely noticing the bitter taste as it slides down my parched throat. A delicious coolness begins to spread through my stomach releasing the fear. I feel myself relaxing as the fear is replaced by a deep drowsiness that has me lifting an inch off the bed.

Finally I feel Sar’s hands on me, stroking and soothing. I hear his comforting words. “It’s alright, Glory I’m here. You’re safe. I’m here and everything is going to be alright.” I curl into his side and feel his arms around me. As I sink into sleep I hear Fougue’s voice.

“I’ll come for him in half an hour. It will give time for the drug to fully take effect. There is no reason to distress him more that we absolutely have to.”

The words mean nothing and by the time Sar begins to respond I’m beyond hearing.

I feel myself rising and it’s a strange feeling. I open my eyes and see Sar’s face. I smile. If he’s here then everything is okay. I snuggle into his chest and go to sleep again.

There are voices. Where did they come from? I can’t open my eyes. I try to raise my hand to rub them but I can't. A tiny stab of fear makes me whimper.

“Don't be afraid, Glory; I’m here.”

I relax again. If Sar is here everything’s alright. With a sigh I let the darkness take me again. There is a stab in the dark but it’s not enough to jar me away from the comfortable place where I can hear Sar’s voice and feel the touch of his hand on my hair.

Something changes. I don’t know what it is. There’s something in the darkness as if it’s somehow twisting around me. It’s... weird, the strangest feeling, as if I’m in a tunnel and darkness is rushing past me but also twisting in front of me like the end of a Christmas cracker. It doesn’t bother me. I just notice it.

It occurs to me that maybe I should tell Sar about it but then I remember that I can’t open my eyes. I wonder why. There are physical sensations, like people touching me but I don’t really register them. I can't even work out whether Sar is touching me anymore. Maybe.

I’m sliding slowly, slowly into the darkness and suddenly I really don’t want to. It’s not that there is anything there objectively to fear; it’s just fear. It’s real fear though; real, proper fear; and I want to tell Sar. I want to tell Sar how scared I am and I want him to tell me that it’s okay. I want... I want...

And then the pain comes. There is no warning, no build up, no way for my mind to process what is happening and so it doesn’t. It seems as if I go into total shutdown. The only think that exists in my world is pain. It is a horrendous, ripping, tearing pain. It’s all consuming and it’s unbearable. But there is nothing I can do but bear.

I scream over and over and over inside my head. I think it’s inside my head. I don’t think that anyone else can hear it. Over and over and over. And then there isn't even room for that in the pain. I am being torn apart and it hurts.

There is a feeling as if a huge black hole has opened up in front of me and I’m falling into it. And then there is a moment when everything stops again. For a moment there is no pain. For a moment there is no hole. For a moment there is no me.

And then it reverses and I’m flying backwards being bombarded on all sides by sights, sounds, images, flashes... and it seems as if they are hitting me as they pass but I can't feel it.

The flashes get stronger and stronger and my backward movement slows down. There is still pain. There is a lot of pain but it isn’t the terrible, all consuming pain that took me completely away from myself.

There are voices. I can hear them now. I can’t understand what they’re saying but I can hear them. Sar isn’t there; at least he isn’t talking. I am tired now; tired of the pain, tired of the darkness... just tired.

And then everything slows down and... stops.

“Glory? Glory are you... are you... okay?”

The voice is a long way away but getting close. It sounds like Sar but it can’t be. Sar is always so certain of himself. He’s brave and strong and he sounds... scared. Wow, if Sar is scared then there must be something really scary happening. Should I be worried about that? Hell no. I’m warm and comfortable. I wish I could turn on my side but something seems to be stopping me.

“Mmm.”

“Glory. Glory, can you hear me?”

Of course I can. I just can’t be bothered to answer. I’m sleepy. I can hear sleepy little noises. I wonder if that’s me. I approve; they sound cute. I like cute things. I feel like... I feel like... One stretch; one yawn and then...

Wow, that feels weird. What... “What...?”

“Ssh. Oh Glory I’ve been so worried. Are you alright?”

“Worried?”

I can’t imagine Sar being worried about anything. Mmm it’s nice here. I can hear Sar’s heart beating and I can bury my nose in his hair. Oh. I must remember that yawning with your nose in someone’s hair isn’t really a good idea. Coughing doesn’t get it all out. My hand feels heavy. I wonder why. Oh, it’s hard to open my eyes... but my hand looks alright. And Sar looks alright... well, he looks a bit...

I try smiling but he still looks really serious and I wonder if I’ve done something wrong... again. So I frown and pat his face. He likes that. It makes him smile and mostly when I make him smile he forgets what he was mad about. Except that now he’s looking even more...

“What have I done?”

Sar’s eyes go wide. “What do you mean?”

“You look cross with me. What have I done?”

Sar hugs me close and I don’t care what I’ve done. It feels so good. I have to snuggle my head in and a light purr tickles my throat and vibrates along his collar bone. “Aw.” Why did he have to squeeze me so tightly? “That hurt.”

“I’m sorry, Glory. I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you. I’m just... I’m just so glad to hear you purr again.”

“You are? Why... Oh. OH... I... I...” How could I have forgotten? Gods Cat is such a comfort whore. Cat. CAT. “Sar... Sar, Cat’s here. CAT’S HERE.”

Sar gasps as I throw my hands around him and hug him close. “Sar... Cat’s here!”

I have never been so happy, never. I don’t care what happened. I don’t care what comes next. For now all I care about is that I am with Sar and I am whole again.

Oh no; no you don’t. You’re not going to put me down. Hehe, try it now. Sar grunts a bit when I wrap my legs around him. Oh... oh, that feels good. But should he really be doing that with all these people here? Oops. People. Umm. Okay. I unclasp my legs and land lightly. I’m not letting go of his hand thought. This is so embarrassing.

Hang on. These people... they... they are... Fuck. They hurt me. They really, really hurt me and if they think... It feels good to have my claws out again; now all I need is to have something to slash with them. I can take at least a couple of them down before they get me but... but isn't... isn’t one of them...? “Fougue?”

“Calm down, Glory,” Sar says softly. “Do you know where you are? Do you know what happened?”

“Yeah, I know what happened. They... Oh, oh hang on.” I remember pain; I’m sure about that. It still hurts in fact. Ow...Ow, ow... rubbing it doesn’t work; it just makes it worse. But I’m not tied down and Fougue and Sar are here and these look like different people and I have the strangest feeling that... Oh! Oh, now I remember. Yay. Fixed. “Yes. I’m sorry, for a minute I thought I was...”

“That’s understandable. You must be quite disoriented.”

Disoriented? Well, actually I’m not, not at all. I’m so not disoriented that I think it might be time to show off a bit. I’m bursting with energy and excitement. I’m whole again. Woo hoo; look at me. I need to test me.

Crouch down, leap high... Yes, this is good. Touch off from the table and... Oh YES. It’s so much fun up here, looking down at all the shocked faces. Even Sar looks shocked but I don’t care. I’m dizzy with excitement and I’m bursting, almost literally, with the sense of being whole again. I feel a bit... crowded but it’s great, great, great. Oh shut up Vamp. I know I’m being childish and undignified but who cares?

Uh Oh; Sar doesn’t look too happy. Maybe I should go down. Hehe; he wants me down; he gets me down. “Catch me.”

“Glory, behave yourself.” He sounds cross. Oh, he’s smiling. Not really cross then, which is just as well because most of me is not very happy about being spoken to like a five year old which, granted was pretty much the way I had been behaving. I wonder if all these people would mind if I kiss him.

“Don’t you dare.”

“Am I really that transparent?” I try my innocent hurt look; he’s a sucker for that.

“Oh no you don’t; this is serious, Glory. We need to know what happened to you. I was very concerned.” Oooh, I love it when he takes me in his arms like this, so soft and gentle and his eyes are... “I was scared, darling.”

“Why?”

“Because you got so close to losing yourself that I was afraid I was going to lose you.”

“But I... Oh.” It’s taken Human a while to get through the dizzy excitement of the return of the others but he wipes the smile right off my face. “I’m really sorry. It’s just... Cat tends to take over if I let him, and I’ve been so long without him and he’s really excited and I feel like I’m bursting and I have to let it all out. And then Fey got involved and I really wanted to fly. And then Vamp said that I was being embarrassing but I didn’t care. But now Human’s reminded me and... and I... It’s just great to be back together again.” And now I’m really tired.

Dr Patel is looked a bit shell shocked. Sar hugs me proudly. “He’s always like this when Cat gets excited. I’ve missed it more than anything else.” Aaaahhh, my eyes have to close and my head is too heavy to hold up. I don’t care that the room is fading out because I... and he... and my... “Oooohhh.” He’s hardly touching them; just a light brush with his fingers and the purr is so loud it drowns out everything else.

Why did you stop? I rub my head against Sar’s shoulder but he is being stubborn. He won’t touch my ears again and I want him to. I really want him to.

“Fascinating. It was one thing to have the opportunity to witness the interaction academically through his thought patterns when he was asleep but to actually see the way the natures relate in practice is quite different. It’s not what I had expected and it makes much more sense of the way he was describing it earlier.

“At some point I would love to be able to further examine the physical effects of the automatic responses as well as the psychological effects and the implications of...”

“Woah.” Hang on, let me catch up. I’m finding it a bit hard to process all this...and... “Do you mean that you knocked me out and went poking around in my head?” I can feel the growl building and I don’t care how hard Sar is holding on to my arm I’m not having this.

“It wasn’t like that,” Dr Patel says placatingly. How dare he be so patronising.

“Then how, exactly, was it? Oh and while I remember; the next time you talk about me when I’m in the room, talk TO me.”

“Glory, we needed to ‘poke around in your head’ to find the triggers to release the fractured and isolated parts of your psyche.”

“You mean to let Cat, Vamp and Fey out again?”

“Yes.”

“Oh. But what did you mean about automatic responses?” Vamp is very much in charge and there is going to be a fight; I can feel it brewing. I think that it doesn’t matter what he says next because Vamp needs a fight as much as Cat needed to show off and Fey needed to fly. “That kind of examination is hardly relevant to what you are supposed to have been doing.”

Lucy is blushing; that’s strange. “That’s my fault, I’m afraid. I was fascinated and got carried away. I knew we would probably not get the opportunity for such close scrutiny again so I... looked around a bit. I thought... I thought... you wouldn’t mind.”

“Mind? I was unconscious and helpless. Oh yeah, and while we’re on the subject... Fougue, you son of a bitch, you drugged me.” God I wish I could slap that smug expression off his face. “Anyway... I was helpless; you knew how scared I was about what they did to me and you thought I wouldn’t mind you doing the same thing?”

“Hardly the same thing, Glory.”

“Shut up Fougue.”

Lucy blushes. “I’m so sorry. This is completely my fault. I was...”

“Thoughtless, impulsive, and inquisitive,” Sar finishes for her. “No who do I know who is very much the same?”

How could he!! I know who he’s talking about and it’s not fair. Oh, bugger... I can’t be angry when he looks at me like that. Keeping Vamp firmly in control I briefly touch Sar’s cheek. I love the way his eyes glaze over when I look at him like this.

But, hang on a minute. Oh no... surely they don’t mean... they can’t have. ‘Automatic responses’? That’s something that happens without thinking about it or being able to stop it isn’t it? “Automatic responses? What do you mean ‘automatic responses’?”

She is blushing furiously again. Actually she looks quite pretty... purple suits her. “I...er... um... the um.”

Oh shit... they do mean... “You didn’t! Tell me you didn’t. For God’s sake tell me I didn’t... didn’t...” Now it’s my turn to blush.

“Um... It was purely scientific. There wasn’t any... and... I didn’t actually touch you. It was... It was all...”

“In my head? From the look on your face I really don’t think it was.” All of me is angry and mostly I am angry with Sar. “How could you?” Yeah, look guilty: you should be.

“It was accidental, Glory,” Sar says quietly and that makes me even more angry. “No one intended or expect that to happen: it was um... fast.”

How lame is that? He even sounds lame... he knows. Oh hell! Oh shit! They’ve seen: They’ve... I look down. I’m naked. I don’t remember taking my clothes off. I really, really don’t want to be naked right now. That’s it! I’m not staying here when they are all looking at me like... well like something between some interesting specimen in a glass jar and a fucking porn star. Ugh. Fuck that.

“Glory, wait.”

If he thinks there is the remotest chance I am even going to speak to him, let alone stop for him, he has to be crazy. When I get back to my room I am going to slam the door in his face.

“Wait. I know how angry you are but...”

“Get your fucking hand off me.” I feel like hitting him. I’m really close.

“Calm down.”

“Calm down? You let them. You let Fougue drug me and you let them...”

“Let them what?” He sounds angry now too. Good. I want a fight. I really want a fight.

“You let them... For fuck sake! I don’t know why Fougue ever told me that it was unacceptable to do that to Fey because that’s all everyone seems to want to do. I’m sick of being used like some sort of sex toy that can be turned on and off by anyone at any time and not being able to do a fucking thing about it.”

“It was an accident, Glory.”

“It doesn’t happen that fast.”

“I didn’t...”

“Care?”

“I didn’t appreciate what was happening. My mind was elsewhere.”

“Oh great. That’s alright then.” Does he really think that telling me he wasn’t interested in what was happening to me would make me feel better about it?

“Listen to me you stubborn... I have been out of my mind with worry about you. Without Cat, Fey and Vamp you were so unbalanced I knew that if someone didn’t do something, and soon, you would literally go insane. I had to watch that happen and feel totally helpless.” He sounds so sad, so... vulnerable. Sar is so rarely vulnerable; how can I just...

“I... you said that you would do anything to get the others back and I thought you meant it. That’s what they were doing. That’s what they did. I was focussed on that, on willing you through it, willing them to come back. I was an accident, Glory. No one touched you and the first I knew of it was when they started to discuss it like... like scientists and by then it was too late.

“Yes, Fougue drugged you, but you were so scared. You were... I was afraid for you. It was like you were going into shock. We were both worried about you. He gave you something to calm you down, that’s all.”

“Calm me down? I couldn’t open my eyes. I was paralysed.”

“That wasn’t Fougue. They... they gave you all sorts of things. I tried to... but they said it was absolutely necessary and I thought it would stop you being in pain but then... It was unbelievably hard... to watch what they did to you but I knew... I thought you wanted. I don’t know if it was just selfishness because... I wanted you back. Maybe I should have stopped it but once they started I didn’t know what it would do to you if they stopped. When you started screaming I almost hit someone; almost dragged them away but that would have been stupid. I let it happen because I love you and I didn’t want to lose you.”

Why does he have to look at me like that? He’s making me think reasonably: I don’t want to be reasonable; I want to be angry. I’m embarrassed and I want to be angry. Goddamn him: he’s so fucking sexy. He gasps when he finds himself pinned against the wall and he’s unsure of how to take it. He’s used to me now and he knows that I am just as likely to bite him and claw him as to kiss him. Right now, I don’t want to do either of those things.