Be Myself! - 6. Looking for Answers

“So, Oscar, how was school today?” My mother asked as soon as we sat at the dinner table. She was smiling pleasantly. “Did you talk to your girlfriend about our little family dinner?”

“No, sorry, mum, I forgot…” ‘Because of everything that went on with Helena, Ariadne and Hannah’, though I had the feeling it was better if this last part was not said aloud.

“You got distracted?” My father asked, smiling in a way that said he had an idea of what the ‘distraction’ was and it pleased him very much. “It is ok, there will be other opportunities.” He and my mother exchanged knowing glances when I felt my cheeks heat up. I slowly nodded, very aware of the fact that I was intentionally misleading my parents. It was not a good feeling at all. I had to keep telling myself that I was not really lying, just omitting the fact that I got distracted because a blonde lesbian kept threatening my physical integrity, not because I had been snogging Olivia at all possible opportunities.

Eventually the bad feeling won against the empty reassurances, however. I felt obliged to tell them about my day with the fewest possible omissions. I had to ask them about the gay lions if nothing else. We were having a very normal dinner, my parents were in a good mood, and I had not done anything bad. I had to give it a try, if only to help my mind settle on the matter.

“Today in our Biology class there was a girl showing pictures of gay lions.” I blurted out after a particularly long silence, keeping my head low and focused on the last remains of my food. My parents were silent for what seemed like an eternity. Each second of waiting for their reaction made me feel less likely to finish that food and more likely to return what I had already eaten to the plate.

“Gay lions don’t exist, Oscar. You know very well that homosexuality is too unproductive to endure in nature.” My father said dryly. “Who was showing you this rubbish?”

“A girl. I don’t really know her very well.” I answered, tying my best not to lie.

“Then next time you see her, tell her to stop misinforming her fellow students. Those lions turned to each other because there were no females around and they needed to get rid of their male urges. That was all.”

“Thank you, dad, I will do it.” My father was so confident in his words I felt compelled to believe him. His argument made sense. It was reassuring to see that once again my father had all the answers I had been looking for. For a while I thought it was all I needed to put the matter to rest.

“Good, now stop bringing this kind of nonsense home. It is a waste of time for all of us. I don’t want to have to punish you if you relapse.”

“Yes, dad, I know.”

The rest of our meal went smoothly. The subject was tactfully changed to my viola lessons and how I needed to practice more if I wanted to succeed in my Grade 5 exam, and then to proper school exams in May. My parents were hoping I would spend Easter Break revising and practising, and of course I told them I would. I did not think I was lying.

(...)

Later at night, though, the reassurance I felt speaking to my father disappeared as we went to bed and my room became dark and quiet. With nothing else to do my mind started to wonder if it really was as simple as “no females around”. I turned in bed for what seemed like hours clashing my father’s arguments against Helena’s until my eyes fell on the computer in my desk. There was a metaphorical light above my head and I got up, glad I had found something capable of giving me the answers I needed.

A few months ago Wendy had decided my computer needed to be ‘cuter’ for no particular reason. To that end she installed sound-tracks for almost every click and action imaginable. With the turmoil of the last weeks I had not had the energy and willpower to remove them, opting to put the computer permanently on ‘mute’ instead. As I secretly turned it on at three in the morning, I felt genuinely grateful for these developments. The computer did everything it had to do in absolute silence and my parents did not wake up. There was still a voice in the back of my mind that called me a criminal for daring to use the computer out of hours and sacrifice precious sleep over a matter that should have been put to rest hour ago, but it was not so loud anymore. I had to find my own answers, even if it took me the entire night.

The first thing I typed on the search engine was “gay nature”. The first result was an article from a respectable magazine. I could not read the whole thing because we were not subscribers, but I was given access to the first paragraphs. It said something along the lines of ‘many animals do this kind of thing, but only human beings are criticised for it’. Motivated by the early indication that Helena had been right, I jumped to the next search result, a Wikipedia article on homosexual behaviour in animals. By that point I was feeling like a detective in a secret mission. Deep inside me, that part of my brain that had prevented me from going to sleep was euphorically celebrating its early victory.

It took me a while to read through the first article and its references. My father was of the opinion that Wikipedia could not be trusted, so I felt compelled to verify all sources available. It was nearly five in the morning when I finished, and by then my mind had been blown with the knowledge that dolphins, bonobos, lions, elephants, giraffes, sheep, hyenas, penguins, black swans, lizards and so many other animals had well-documented evidence of homosexual behaviour. Probably even more startling was that their behaviour did not extend only to sex, but could include courtship, affection, pair-bounding for life and even raising children. The more I read, the harder I found to believe that they were all cases of ‘no females around’.

My next point of research involved the debate of ‘nature versus nurture’ and whether it was our genes or the environment we were brought in that caused homosexuality. Like the girls had noted earlier, I grew up surrounded by models of traditional masculinity and femininity that considered any variations as problematic. If the cause of homosexuality was on the genes, then I was sure my father would see it as a ‘defect’ on me and most likely ignore the fact that half of those genes came from him. As much as I wanted to find an answer to that question, it would probably do little to improve my situation at home.

Then, at six in the morning, with the sky slowly turning into a lighter shade of blue, I found an article arguing that it did not matter where homosexuality came from. It said that homosexuality was a neutral concept, free of moral connotations, so it was pointless to argue about its origins. It pointed out that we only look for the origin of bad things like cancer, so in a way look for the origin of homosexuality would be like looking for the root of something bad so that it could be eliminated.

That, more than anything else, gave me a sense of relief and peace of mind that was hard to believe I could feel ever again. It was different from the relief I felt in my father’s confident arguments; different from that mind-blowing feeling of looking at male lions fucking for the first time. It was something clear I could hold on to, something that made sense after all my search for answers. I felt that resonate inside me, together with the excitement that made my heart leap in my chest and my cheeks heat up in joy. I had found my answer finally, and it was something I did on my own.

Ten minutes later the euphoria was forced into a hasty retreat by the heavy forces of tiredness descending over my body. I had never been up so late before; my body was feeling the strain. I turned the computer off and returned to bed, only to have my alarm clock flare up seemingly seconds later.

(...)

Thankfully my parents did not seem to notice I was slightly slower than normal at breakfast. My body demanded I went back to bed and my brain seemed to be on the brink of a mutiny if it had to carry on processing images sent by my retina for much longer. Despite all that I somehow managed to walk to school and arrive on time. Probably as a measure of self-preservation, my mind was refraining from absorbing the implications of last night’s research, in case it went on over-drive trying to consider the possibility that my father had been wrong about something.

My first class of the day was Maths, which I shared with Helena. I feared she would want to talk about yesterday, but she probably sensed my state of mind, because she did not even look in my direction.

It was lunch time before I could muster the energy to be social. During morning break I had found a secluded space to take a power nap so I could survive for the rest of the day. I still felt like a zombie wondering around the school, though.

“Hi, Oscar, where have you been? I thought you hadn’t come today!” Olivia asked when we sat down at the canteen. Hannah was not with us, and Jean was keeping Henry busy for the time being. In the state I was in I could not even wonder when the blond would come for me.

“I’m sorry, I’m really tired today.”

“Why? Did something happen?” I glanced at Jean and Henry; they seemed deeply engaged in touching and kissing each other. It seemed unlikely they would miss us. I motioned for Olivia to get up and we walked to a quiet corner near the Maths building. “What is it, Oscar? I’m starting to worry!”

“No, it’s nothing bad, don’t worry!” I tried my best to smile, but I don’t think I managed to get the corner of my mouth too far up. “I stayed up all night doing some Internet research. My body probably didn’t like it, but I feel a lot better about things now.”

“What things?”

“This whole ‘gay’ thing. Hannah and Helena kind of forced me to look at some stuff and it made me question things, so last night I looked for information about the nature of homosexuality”.

“Oh? What did you find?” Olivia’s eyes lit up and this time I think I managed a full smile. She seemed really keen to hear my findings.

“I found that it is part of animal life, and that I shouldn’t really care about where it came from or why it exists. I feel pretty good about it now.”

She hugged me, beaming. “That’s great! I’m glad you’re ok now!” She stepped back to look at me in the eye, suddenly less enthusiastic. “Does that mean you are going to say you are gay and break up with me?” Olivia seemed really worried, maybe a little bit more than she should be considering the way our relationship started. Though I suppose it could be my tired mind playing tricks on me.

“Actually, I haven’t thought about it…” I said truthfully. My cheeks heat up as I saw her eyes widen in surprise. “I was so worried about whether my father was right about homosexuality being wrong that I didn’t think about how I feel about all this.” As I spoke, my expression slowly mirrored hers. Even I thought it was hard to believe I had ignored something like this.

“Then how do you feel about it now?” She insisted, biting her lip. She looked expectantly to me, but I felt difficult to meet her gaze.

“I don’t really think I can think about it now. I need a good night of sleep to clear things up.”

“Ah, ok, then”. Olivia seemed disappointed, or at least worried. Even in my current state of mind I thought this was not an expression I liked, so I decided to try to do something about it.

“I don’t think we will break up, though. My parents like that I have a girlfriend. Oh, and speaking of them…” I somehow managed to remember the conversation at dinner. It was probably a good time as any to ask about the family meet-up. “They want to meet you and your family. Would you be ok to have dinner with us at some point?”

“I don’t see why not!” Olivia was smiling again. Good. “Easter Break starts next week, we could find a date then.”

“Yes, sounds good. I will speak to my parents about it and see what they say. Ask yours what days would be good for them so we can arrange something tomorrow.”

“Ok, I will.” She hugged me, letting her head rest on my shoulder. “I’m sure my parents will like you”.

“Thanks. I hope mine like you too.” We stayed like this for a while. It felt good to have her body against mine like that. She was warm and I was comfortable leaning against the wall.

The next thing I noticed was the bell announcing the end of lunch break. Olivia was standing above me, urging me to wake up and go to class.

Hope you enjoyed the chapter! Next update in two weeks time!