Be Myself! - 7. Boys Don't Cry

Contrary to my expectations, a full eight hours of sleep on Thursday night was not enough to clarify anything. In fact, it probably made me even more confused. My dreams were punctuated by random snapshots of what seemed like badly-made porn involving me, Jean, Wendy and Olivia. They kept creeping up in what was otherwise a normal dream sequence about learning how to fly over my neighbourhood. My alarm clock rang when I was being forced to contemplate a naked Jean sucking me while being fucked by Olivia. As strange as it all had been, I somehow managed to wake up with a sticky mess in my underwear.

The last scene in my dream was still bobbing around the back of my mind when Olivia spotted me at the school entrance and ran towards me with a cheerful, completely innocent smile. “My parents said they are very happy to get to know yours. They can do either this weekend or the next one, if it’s ok with you.” She beamed. It took me a while to realise she was talking about our upcoming dinner. As much as I wanted to smile back, looking at Olivia straight in the eye when I could still see her fucking Jean from behind with a delightful expression of accomplishment became something of a Herculean task. I averted her gaze, blushing slightly.

“Oh, good. I think this Sunday could work. I’ll confirm with them and text you later.”

“Are you ok?” She moved to stand in front of my face again. My immediate reaction was to look down to avoid her gaze while my cheeks burned like Hell fire.

“Er… yeah… it’s just…” I would die of shame and embarrassment at the mere suggestion of describing to her the disturbing images occupying an expanding dark corner of my thoughts. “Look, it’s nothing bad… I just…”

“Are you sure?” She raised an eyebrow, sounding like she knew I was lying through my teeth to hide some terrible secret, most likely about our relationship. She was kind of right, just not in the way she probably had in mind. Being so much shorter, she had managed to stand under me so that I would still face her, even with my head down.

“Yeah, it’s nothing you should worry about.” I did my best to look at her this time to try reassuring her. Olivia looked at me suspiciously for a while longer before giving up and urging me inside the building. “I will see you at the break…” I mustered enough will power for a quick kiss before she left for her class, and then felt my cheeks burn all the way to mine.

(...)

As I headed to Biology it struck me that I would spend the entire day sharing classes with either Hannah or Helena (or, as was the case now, with both). As soon as this information penetrated my brain, my face went from extremely red to scarily pale. I saw the girls walking side by side a few meters ahead of me. They entered the classroom and I dreaded the moment I would have to follow them. Thankfully I managed to find a corner seat reasonably far from them.

Any attempt at paying attention in class was, however, unceremoniously crushed when the students separating me from the girls decided to side with them and gingerly pass on a steady stream of notes with increasingly graphic questions about my sexuality. Every student who touched the folded pieces of paper took their time to read it and giggle silently before passing it along, making my psychological torture all the more obvious. At least the teacher seemed oblivious to it…

“Daniel, care to inform the class what is so funny about a piece of paper?” Ms Armstrong asked the boy who was holding the latest message from the girls. He was supposed to pass it to Ethan, who would pass it to Luke, who would likely pass it on to me by discreetly grabbing my leg with the note hidden on his hand (and then laugh about how he was ‘tempting’ the fag).

Daniel was supposed to be ashamed of getting caught passing obscene messages during class, but he seemed genuinely pleased as he read what Hannah and Helena were trying to ask me in a very loud voice. “Sure, Ms Armstrong. Someone was telling Oscar that he has had ‘enough time to admire the sexual activities of gay lions and dolphins, so that by now you should know if cocks do it for you or if you are sticking with the hens.’ I didn’t know Oscar was into bestiality as well…”

The whole class laughed. I slumped into my seat, hoping some sort of god would take pity on me and part the ground under my feet so that I could hide from the humiliation. It went on and on until Ms Armstrong spoke, rescuing me in a way that only Biology teachers could pull off.

“It seems whoever wrote this note was anticipating our next subject, so I might as well start it now. Hands up those of you who wish to see the mating rituals of big African mammals?” The class immediately fell silent. Students exchanged glances wondering if she was being serious. “And, of course, since this school favours equal opportunities, I will also show some occurrences of same-sex attraction in the animal kingdom. I will ask again: who wants to see zebras, lions, giraffes and hippopotamus shagging?” She grinned as a collective jaw drop amongst the students revealed their astonishment.

We spent the last half-hour of class doing exactly what Ms Armstrong said she was going to do. Leaving for morning break, most of her students seemed keen to start a campaign to crown her the Coolest Teacher at School. Hannah and Helena hurriedly passed by me hissing ‘it’s not over yet’ and I did not see them until our shared classes after the break, where they strangely decided to leave me alone again.

(...)

At lunch Jean had once again dragged Edward to sit in our table. Hannah was not there when I arrived. I asked the group about it and Olivia pointed to the other end of the canteen, where she sat with Helena and a girl who wore glasses so thick it was impossible to see what her eyes looked like. That girl was short like Olivia, but had much bigger breasts, of the kind that could potentially cause a lot of health-related problems, including, but not limited to, back aches, bad posture, and being followed by a never-ending hoard of immature male stalkers.

“Is she the Headmistress’s daughter?” I asked my friends, trying to take my eyes away from the girl’s oversized breasts. I had never seen a pair so big before, and it was kind of freaking me out.

“Yes.” Edward answered, relieved to have an excuse to get away from Jean. “Ariadne is the best student in our year. I don’t have any classes with her, but I’ve heard that when she’s around it’s always like being in a fast-track quiz between her and the teacher because she knows everything and likes to show it.”

“Ah, I see…” Thankfully Edward’s explanation forced my head to turn around to face him while he spoke, breaking the allure of the monster breasts. Olivia probably noticed where I was looking at, because her smile diminished a bit and her hand soon found its way to my leg under the table.

Before I could ask anything else, Edward was once again ‘kidnapped’ by his foster brother. He struggled to get away from Jean’s lap, but the blond was strong. There was some shouting and protests and punches being thrown around, until Edward got tired and gave up. Jean then proceeded to kiss his neck while touching any part of his body he could get away with.

“Maybe we should leave them alone.” Henry suggested, his head down and turned as far away from Jean as possible. Olivia and I looked at each other, not sure it would be a good idea to leave Edward alone like that. Henry got up without waiting for an answer, though, and in the end we decided to follow him. After all, the two lived in the same house, so Edward should be used to dealing with the blond by now.

(...)

“I hope Edward is safe…” Olivia commented when we left the canteen and walked towards the school gates. Henry was still a few paces ahead of us, walking fast and not looking back.

“He should be. If worst comes to worst, an adult will probably interfere.” I tried to reassure her while still focused on keeping up with Henry. He did not seem aware that we were trying to follow his pace.

“I hope so.” We walked in silence until Henry decided to stop behind our Math’s provisory building. He sat against the plastic walls and looked up as if observing the clouds, though his stare seemed far too unfocused. “Poor Henry, he’s probably jealous of Edward.” Olivia commented, tilting her head to the side as she observed our friend. Henry did not seem to hear her.

“Jealous? What do you…?” As I spoke, I remembered Olivia mentioning that she thought Henry had a crush on Jean a while ago. “Ah, I see…” We both sighed, not sure of what to do to cheer him up.

“Jean probably figured this by now, though I wonder why he’s torturing Henry like this. They would look so good together…” Olivia mused; hand in her chin in an inquisitive manner. We were silent for a while, until I thought of something that could distract Henry and help me with my own troubles.

“Henry, do your parents know you are gay?” I sat beside him, touching his shoulder to make sure he would listen. Even with my precautions it took a while for him to process the question and think of an answer.

“Yes, they know. They have known for ages now.” He smiled slightly. Olivia sat on his other side.

“And they don’t mind it?” I asked, even though I had some clues about what the answer would be.

“No. They were free-loving hippies when they were young, they believe that if you really like someone it shouldn’t matter what their body is like.”

“I like your parents.” Olivia commented, smiling widely. “They seem like sensible people.”

“They are. And I’m an only child who was born after they had given up having children because they were getting older and nothing was working, so…”

“Oh, you’re one of those miracle babies!” Olivia exclaimed, clapping her hands together in excitement. “I bet your parents love you lots and would do anything for you, right?”

“Maybe…” Henry paused as his face acquired a slight flushed tone. “A bit…” He mused, looking away from us. “Probably.” He finally admitted, face as dark as a tomato. Olivia and I laughed and Henry joined us after a while. “I even told them about Jean…” He commented suddenly. Olivia and I looked at each other, concerned our distraction had been so short-lived. “They don’t seem all that worried that he likes to have sex with lots of people. They said as long as I use condoms we should be fine…” Henry’s blush, which had just began to leave his face, came back in full force at the same time I felt my own cheeks heating up on the new turns this conversation was taking.

“Have you fucked already?” Olivia asked, seemingly oblivious to my situation and to the fact that people are not supposed to talk so openly about sex without at least a little tint of red in their cheeks. For me talking about sex in general was already difficult; talking about sex and Jean would probably give my brain a fair reason to abandon ship.

“No! No! Where did you get that idea?” Henry mildly panicked, twitching his head from side to side as if he expected the moral police to suddenly jump on him. “We… I would never…”

“Well, I just assumed that since he’s always clinging to you and you don’t seem to mind, you guys had already gone all the way. Also, he and Oscar fucked without bothering to get to know each other first, so…” Olivia explained her reasoning in a matter-of-fact tone that sounded far too cheerful to not be cruel. Henry took a deep breath.

“I don’t want to be just another one of his conquests.” Henry admitted, whispering so low it was difficult to understand him at first. “I don’t want to have sex with someone who will just turn around and give his ass to the next guy who asks for it. I’m not that kind of person.”

“You want to be in a proper relationship with him, then? Like Oscar and I?” Olivia asked, passing an arm around Henry’s shoulders.

“I would really like to, but…”

“He doesn’t do that.” I completed, remembering the conversation Olivia and I had about the pair. Back then it seemed like Henry did not mind Jean’s attitude so much. “He works on a fuck-by-fuck basis.”

“Yeah…” Henry fell back against Olivia’s arm. “Sometimes I wonder if it wouldn’t be better to just go along and let him do it. Maybe he will like it and want to do it again, and it can become a relationship of sorts. But then I think he won’t like me because I never did it before and be disappointed with me and never want to talk to me again and I don’t want it to happen…”

“He didn’t seem to mind Oscar’s lack of experience.” Olivia pointed out. Henry shrugged.

“No offense, but he implied more than once that Oscar was above average and that it was what made it worth it.” Henry and I blushed at this admission, but once again Olivia did not seem fazed. “I don’t think I can give him the same thing… He probably had so many big ones he will just laugh at me.”

“So the whole issue is more around insecurity about your penis size than the fact that Jean considers himself to be the school’s whore?” Olivia pointed out, raising her eyebrows. “I thought it was the other way around.”

“It is!” Henry almost shouted, blushing more than ever. “I only think about accepting his offers when I’m desperate and he looks like he’s about to go with someone else and I want to be with him so bad and…”

“Hey, hey, it’s ok, it’s ok…” Olivia rubbed his back, tactfully not pointing out that he was beginning to cry. My friend let his weight drop against her. “It must be difficult for you to see Jean with other people when all you want is for you two to be together.”

“I don’t think it’s just a crush, you know? I really want to be with him. Do things like mum and dad do, maybe even… I don’t know… maybe even live together and have children and all that…” Henry was almost fully in Olivia’s lap now, despite being considerably bigger than her. His speech was slightly marred by his attempts to keep the tears in. I felt sorry for him, but I had no idea of what to say to make him feel better. I was also beginning to feel guilty for having been one of the guys who had been with Jean the way Henry dreamed of.

“You think he’s your Prince Charming?” Olivia asked, caressing his hair.

“I would love it if he was.”

None of us spoke for a while. I felt really sorry for Henry, particularly when his efforts to contain his sobs became painfully obvious. Olivia told him it was ok to let go, but it took a lot of persuasion before Henry allowed himself to cry freely on her lap. At that point I felt my body turning around to face the other way. It downed on me that I felt ashamed at seeing another guy show his emotions like this. Henry was acting like the girl my parents accused me of being when I ‘met’ Jean, but Olivia thought it was ok. She was encouraging him to be girly. In a way it was kind of disturbing.

Henry finally calmed down around five minutes before classes re-started. He thanked Olivia for her support and promised he would use the Easter Break to think about all of this, and Olivia promptly offered to help him if he needed. I tried to say something encouraging to him, but my voice died in my throat. He did not seem to mind, though.

In class Helena ignored me throughout our double Maths, and I did not see her or Hannah as I made my way home. Judging by what I had seen of them so far, they were probably preparing a big ambush when school started again. Hopefully by then I would be better prepared to face them, and hopefully said ambush would not involve more gay animal sex in Biology lessons.