Be Myself! - 5. Lions Do It Too

My parents were definitely pleased when I told them I had a new girlfriend, and for the first time since the incident in the toilet we were able to have a normal conversation at dinner. It was good to see things slowly returning to normal at home. I did not dare tell my parents that the boy who had made me “act like a girl” was now a close friend, along with the rest of the school’s gay club, but it was an easy thing to omit if I could say my girlfriend and I were having a good time alone together every now and then. They were so pleased with the new developments they asked to meet Olivia’s family. I promised I would arrange something with her soon.

Next day at school people were still talking about the “gay-straight” couple and Hannah seemed slightly more irritated than usual. During morning break she avoided me as much as she could, though she still talked normally to Olivia. Jean noticed the situation and tried to spend the entire break “cheering me up” by coming up from behind to embrace me, kissing my neck and finding a way to touch my ass every ten seconds or so. It was not that different from his usual behaviour, but this time Olivia had been sitting on my lap for the entire time. As much as I wanted to ignore the blonde’s advances, part of me had to admit it had not been too bad. Even Olivia seemed to be enjoying it.

Considering what morning break was like, I was afraid our lunch break would be more of the same, but for longer. Surprisingly, though, I arrived at the canteen to find Jean busy targeting a vaguely familiar teenage male with short, messy black hair. The boy in question had been talking animatedly with a group of people at his table when Jean came up from behind to bear-hug him and drag him towards our table. His protests were heard throughout the canteen, but no one moved a muscle to help. Jean conducted the boy to our table by having one arm firmly planted around his hip, sometimes lowering it dangerously towards his ass.

“Hi guys!” Jean cheerfully greeted us, forcing his companion to sit on a chair so that he could get comfortable on his lap. By then we all had a range of shocked expressions in our faces, apart from Hannah who only arched an eyebrow. “I thought our group was getting too boring with Hannah pretending to be an Icy Murderous Mistress around dear sexy Oscar, so I decided we needed new blood!” Hannah scowled at her friend’s description of this morning’s events, but said nothing. Jean was smiling so madly at this point it would probably be a waste of time to try to talk to him anyway. “Guys, say hello to Edward Smith, my wonderfully fuckable foster brother!”

Olivia, Henry and I felt our jaws drop at the same time. Edward was obviously not pleased with the whole situation, much less the way he was introduced to us, but Jean did not seem to have noticed. He leaned against the boy to peck his cheek, prompting Edward to punch him on the face.

“Get away from me, you creepy fag!” he shouted, viciously scrubbing his cheek.

“Hey, no physical violence! What’s your dad going to say?” Jean answered innocently, still firmly seating in Edward’s lap and not even bothering to check if the blow had caused any damage.

“Dad will tell you to fuck off! That’s sexual harassment, you bastard!”

Henry, Olivia and I exchanged concerned glances. None of us was sure of what to do, and probably did not feel like getting too close to Edward in case he hit us by accident. Jean’s reply was to lean forward again, but Hannah banged on the table right on time. Startled by the noise, Jean stopped a few millimetres from his foster brother’s face.

“That’s enough.” Hannah declared, getting up to stand near the boys. “Edward has suffered enough, Jean. Let him get back to his friends and go snog Henry instead.”

“But I want Edward to meet my new friends!” The blond pouted. “I think our gay club needs more members! Particularly members with big cocks!” I was not the only one who had their face turned into a glowing tomato with that comment. Edward was mortified, and Olivia looked me up and down with a suspicious smirk.

“I’m not gay, you moron! How many times do I have to tell you that?”

“Oscar says the same thing, but he never rejected me!” Jean pouted again, seemingly oblivious to his foster brother’s exasperation. Edward turned to me then, and his angry stare could not be more different from his father’s usual kindness.

“It’s all your fault! Admit you’re gay so I can get that sex maniac off my back!”

“Oh, I thought you were the one riding on my back, Edward! You know I don’t do top!”

“AAAARRGH!” Edward clung to his own hair, apparently trying to rip it off in despair. Henry was beginning to look disturbed, Olivia seemed amused, and Hannah was leaning towards ‘not impressed’. After a few seconds of continuous screaming, Edward sighed and let his head drop, defeated. “Now the whole school will think I’m gay too.” he mumbled, giving up any attempt of removing Jean from his lap.

“It’s not that bad” Olivia said, trying to console him. “You’re not the first straight person to join the club”.

“Oh, so you really are straight? I thought you were only dating Mr Denial there out of desperation.” Edward pointed at me, raising an eyebrow in surprise. Olivia scowled, but was prevented from giving a verbal reply by Hannah.

“It is out of desperation. Olivia seems to be under the illusion that only guys who are afraid coming out of the closet will ever want her.”

“Can we stop that already? I told you I’m not gay, I thought we were past that already!” I exclaimed. Somehow I felt I should not be surprised that Hannah had not let go of it yet. She had shown plenty of signs earlier in the morning after all.

“No, we so far just established you have shitty homophobic parents. If anything, that’s all the more reason for you to be afraid of being out.” She stared at me like she was trying to read my soul to find the absolute truth. We stayed like that for what seemed far too long before Jean broke the silence.

“You know who’s afraid of coming out?” he asked all of us, whispering and leaning forward to indicate we should follow his example. We exchanged curious glances (even Hannah seemed interested) and the blond smiled widely. “The Headmistress’s daughter. She’s in our year and she was snogging a blond girl in the Sex Toilet earlier.” We raised our eyebrows in a synchronised movement. Up until then I had never considered there being other gay students at school. “I didn’t stick around to see much because it was boring with no cocks involved, but they seemed very into it.”

“So Hannah isn’t the only lesbian?” Henry asked, smiling a little. He then turned to his aforementioned friend. “How does it feel knowing you’re not alone?”

“I already knew about them, actually. I have Biology, Modern Studies and French with the blonde girl. Her name is Helena Clark and she has been dating Ariadne for a couple of months now, but they’re keeping it secret because Ariadne is afraid her mother won’t like it.”

“Really? You knew all along?” Jean asked, making a comic sad face. “And you didn’t tell me? I thought we had no secrets!” he seemed offended, but there was a hint of a smile even as he pointed at Hannah and made a dramatic gesture of being hurt before letting his body fall on Edward’s. After a few seconds his smile widened and he used the opportunity to kiss his foster brother’s cheek again.

“If I’d told you, you wouldn’t be able to keep it a secret. And since the first thing you did when you found out was to come and tell all of us, I don’t think I was too off the mark.”

“We’re the sexiest gay club ever! They should be honoured to belong here!” Jean exclaimed, shifting his body slightly in Edward’s lap. Mr Smith’s son blushed, taking a few deep breaths to try keeping it under control. Henry, who was also watching Edward intently, temporarily blushed as well.

“We shouldn’t be forcing them to come out like that. They should come to us only if they feel like it.” Hannah retorted. I wanted to say something about that ‘not force anyone to come out’ stance since she had been so adamant that I was lying about myself, but I ultimately decided against it. It was never a good idea to piss Hannah off even more.

“Ok, if you don’t want any more lesbians in the group I won’t insist.” Jean gave in, laying against Edward again. “It’s not my problem if you don’t want any more pussies; it’s not like it’ll stop me from getting more cocks.” he winked at me and Henry and his hands disappeared under the table. Moments later Edward screamed ‘pervert!’ and jerked to the side so fast he and Jean fell off their chair.

(...)

As fate would have it, my first period after lunch was Chemistry, which I shared with Helena Clark. After all the gossip about her and the Headmistress’s daughter I felt obliged to warn her that Jean had seen them. I knew from experience just how fast these kind of news spread in a school environment; I did not want anyone else going through the same humiliation.

“Hi…” I began, jumping in front of her as soon as I saw her in the classroom. Thankfully she was sitting alone. “You are Helena Clark, right?” She looked at me with arched eyebrows, not unlike the way Hannah usually faced me. I tried to act like it was not really intimidating. “I’m Oscar Schubert, and…”

“I know who you are.” she interrupted, locking her piercing green eyes into mine. If her hair was not blond and straight, of the kind that could be harmlessly persuaded to fall delicately over one’s shoulders, instead of the messy black curvy mane that adorned Hannah’s head, I would be inclined to think the girls were identical twins separated at birth. Not only were their facial expressions similar, they even used the same ‘no-nonsense’ kind of tone. “You’re the guy who fucked the school’s whore and is now trying to cover it up by dating a tomboy.”

“You can’t really talk about ‘cover ups’, can you?” I blurted out, only realising what I had said once she got up from her chair and looked at me like she wanted to jump on my neck and never let go. Mentally kicking myself for messing things up so badly so soon, I tried my best to offer a decent apology. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it that way.”

“What do you know?” she asked in a menacing whisper. Helena looked around and unceremoniously dragged me out of the classroom to the safety of a nearby corridor. “What is this about?” she asked in the same tone, always looking over her shoulder to see if there were other people close by.

“I’m sorry we started on the wrong foot.” I began, hoping she would sense my good intentions and become slightly less angry. “But today at lunch Jean said he saw you and the Headmistress’s daughter doing… things… in the fifth floor toilet, so I thought I should warn you that we know. You might want to be more careful…”

“Says the guy who threw caution to the winds for a cheap thrill.” she retorted, rolling her eyes. “Maybe you should listen to yourself before you demand others do the same.”

“It’s because of what happened to me that I’m trying to warn you.” I said, making an effort to not appear angry. Helena and Hannah were like my father; it was a bad idea to lose my temper with any of them. “If it caries on like this, it’ll be all over the school soon, and Ariadne’s mother will find out.”

“You still have no business with my life. I refuse to take advice from someone who says they’re not gay, but who will happily make out with a guy in plain view.” Helena turned around, ready to return to the classroom. “We know what we’re doing. We might feel like asking for advice if we decide to make a public announcement in dramatic style.” She did not turn back as she walked, but she called out to me after a few paces. “Oh, and do me a favour and don’t talk to me again. People like you make me lose faith in humanity.”

If classes were not about to start, I would probably have stayed where Helena left me, her last words ringing in my ears until someone came to shake me off the stupor, but thankfully my brain had enough sense of responsibility to snap out of it under the threat of missing a class. As much as I thought she had no right to say such a thing (she was hiding her love affair, so she was as much of a liar as she accused me of being), her statement still hit me hard. Until not long ago I had believed I was generally a good person, like my parents had taught me to be. Now it seemed no matter what I did, I would always be on someone’s bad side.

(...)

The last class of the day was Biology, which I happened to share with both Hannah and Helena. I chose a seat in the front role and was surprised when I saw that the girls chose their seats one on each of my sides. When I noticed the way they were looking at me, though, the surprise dissolved quickly and I became simply mortified. I felt their eyes on me for the whole fifty minutes of the lesson, and as soon as it was over I felt Hannah’s hand on my leg. I did not need to turn towards her to see her threatening gaze warning me to stay in place until she said otherwise.

“You know why you are here, right?” Hannah began as soon as everyone had left, encircling my desk at a deliberately slow pace. She was not looking at me, but I could feel Helena’s eyes on the back of my neck.

“I don’t think I really…”

“Oscar, you are supposed to be smart. Please don’t damage our perceptions of you even further.” Helena spat, joining Hannah in front of my desk.

“Jean is torturing poor Edward because you caused a big split in our group, and now you tried to get the moral high ground over Helena and Ariadne. This situation can’t continue like this, we have to put an end to it.” Hannah leaned forward on my table until our eyes were less than an inch apart. “Let’s clear things up here and now. It’s one thing to hide from your parents, but you can’t expect to remain in the gay club if you keep denying your own homosexuality.”

Any anger or annoyance I could feel towards her need to bring up this topic over and over again melted instantly under her cold stare. She really resembled my father then, to the point that my heartbeats sped up thinking about the consequences of letting her down like I had done to him. “But I…”

“You are lucky that your parents won’t be informed of every single thing that happens in this school.” Helena joined in, making a cold chill run down my spine. The room seemed suddenly a lot colder. “You are free to be out and proud here and not many people will bother you now that your sex escapades are old news.” Hannah leaned back so that her friend could be the one staring at me. Helena gripped my desk tightly, most likely to avoid grabbing my neck instead. “Why don’t you take the opportunity, then? Can’t you see how fucking lucky you are?” She let go of the desk, and for a moment I feared for my physical integrity, but she just slammed her hands against the desk, albeit a little too close to my end.

“I… I’m not…”

“If you say ‘I’m not gay’ one more time I’ll bang your head against the wall until you change your mind.” Helena hissed. She gave no indication this was an empty threat.

“But it is the truth.” I tried, hoping the change of phrase would be enough to keep my head in its current shape. “I like girls and…”

“So why do you enjoy what Jean does to you? There’s no way you can say you don’t like it.” Hannah insisted from somewhere out of my line of sight (I could not see much beyond Helena’s angry face).

I did not know what to say to that. It was exactly the question I had been pondering on since this whole mess started. Jean’s touch did not feel bad; if I was being true to myself I had to admit it was quite enjoyable.

“Maybe you have been brainwashed into liking girls.” Helena suggested, arching an eyebrow and looking very smug. “Your homophobic parents have worked hard to suppress your true self, but it’s about time you get away from that.”

Part of my brain screamed she was right, and it bombarded me with memories of what happened the day I met Jean in order to prove it. There was a luring sense of security and relief about that thought. Maybe Helena was right. Maybe I was gay all along, but had never had the means to express it. Maybe…

Then another part of my brain screamed that there was no way it could be the case. It showed me the afternoons I spent with Wendy in my bedroom exploring our bodies and my reaction upon touching her very feminine body for the first time. It also showed memories of my first kiss with Olivia. It did not feel like brainwashing. It had all being very real.

And to finally settle the argument my brain showed me my father’s face lecturing me about the wonders of nature and how everything had been perfectly crafted through evolution so that every species on Earth had a role to play in the planet, and how evolution made men and women different in order to better perform their roles. This included how men were meant to get together with women and carry their genes forward to the next generation. This was what human beings were wired to do. This was something we were not meant to go against. Being different meant there was something very wrong and very bad going on.

“No.” I finally said, avoiding Helena’s gaze. “It can’t be brainwashing. The human natural instinct is to be with the opposite sex. There’s no way these feelings can be false.”

“Oh, really?” The girls rolled their eyes, not so much angry as disappointed with my reasoning. “So humans are just like any animal that cannot think itself away from mere instinct? Like, I don’t know… a lion?” There was something in Helena’s smirk that suggested she had just had a brilliant idea she was itching to put into practice.

“We are mammals, yes, so in a way we are like lions and gorillas and bears.” I said carefully, not liking the blonde’s expression.

“Even though we have a conscience and ability to rationalise our behaviour?” Hannah asked, still looking angry.

“Well, yes. We can’t really go against what is in our genes…” I was not sure I should try to say more. Before I could make up my mind, though, Helena interrupted my thoughts, still with her frightening smirk.

“We could be here the whole day arguing whether our conscience beats our genes or not, but we don’t have time for that.” As she spoke, she reached for her backpack and grabbed some face-down photographs. “I usually keep those with me in case an idiot tries to argue that homosexuality is unnatural. Sadly, I discovered that we tend to underestimate the number of retarded people walking among us.” Helena smiled at Hannah, who arched an eyebrow. I looked between the two of them trying to understand what was going on. “So, Oscar, it’s not really surprising that you are one of those idiots. You never seemed particularly smart to me, no matter what the teachers say.”

“Will you get on with it? I need to head home soon.” Hannah interrupted, looking at the clock on the wall. “I think we are all clear about Oscar’s limited argumentative powers.”

Helena rolled her eyes, but seemed to agree with her companion. She turned the pictures so that I could see what they contained and I felt my jaw drop and my eyebrows rise. “Yes, Oscar, male lions also enjoy gay sex. They like fucking each other every now and then too. There are thousand of species that do that, actually.”

Helena had a collection of pictures of male lions mounting each other and doing things that could only be described as ‘cuddling’. They did not look like fakes. The girls probably saw my brain working to process that information, because Hannah quickly summarised my thoughts for me long before they could be properly processed.

“So even animals that have little freewill to speak of and function mainly on instinct are known to engage in gay sex. This is something that exists in nature too, so it can’t be unnatural or wrong. Has your brain exploded yet?”

“Maybe…” I confessed, mesmerised by the pictures. If I had not been so hypnotised by the animal porn in front of me and had managed to look up, I would see that the girls had near-identical smiles in their faces. They had an air of ‘mission accomplished’ when they left me in the classroom, saying they were willing to give me some time to think about all of this. It took me a few minutes to realise I was alone and it was time to go.

I was still somewhere between awed and disturbed when I got home. By the time my parents called me for dinner I was tempted to talk to them about it, though I was not sure it would be a good idea or if all I would manage was to destroy the fragile normality we had just managed to achieve.