Be Myself! - 9. Slap, Slap, Kiss

Edited to the best of my ability and still on schedule!

I spent most of Easter Break in my room, hiding from my parents and texting Olivia. Every now and then my father would knock and either ask if I was studying or tell me to practice viola because I ‘seemed to be neglecting it as of late’. Encouraged by my girlfriend, I usually lied and told him I was indeed studying.

‘I lied again. I should be feeling guilty, but…’ I texted her one afternoon.

‘He’s 2 controlling. It’s 4 the best .’ She replied. Over the last couple of days she had described my father in many similar terms and was trying to convince me I should be more independent and not rely so much on him. So far she had been very persuasive.

‘My parents want u to visit some day. Can we do that and keep it secret from urs?’ She texted me soon afterwards. By now I should not be so surprised that I felt a tingle of excitement at that prospect. It was like I was planning a massive rebellion against parental authority. More importantly, I was planning a rebellion against people who never liked popular revolts or any kind of mass protest, who praised order above all and hated anything that caused disruption to their daily routines. I had always assumed rebellions were a bad thing, but now I was beginning to think that being on the subversive’s side could be quite exciting, liberating, and even fun.

‘We will need a very good excuse, but I would love to.’ I replied, trying to come up with some sort of plan.

‘Cool. We’ll think about it at school ’

‘Ok, I’ll see you then.’

I had always been the kind of person who got excited to return to school after a week (or two months) of home-bound boredom, but it was usually because I enjoyed my classes and the intellectual stimulation that being in a classroom environment provided. This was the first time my excitement would be mostly due to being around friends, though I was not entirely sure this was actually a good thing.

(...)

The first day back in school began as the happy friendly reunion I had imagined. I was happy to see Olivia in person again, and happiness was somewhat involved when Jean came running towards me to hug, kiss my mouth and grab my ass; and when Henry greeted me with a shy smile. Things turned slightly uglier, though, when Hannah and Helena marched up to me and demanded I make up my mind about my sexuality ten minutes before the bell rang.

“Heh, they won’t let this die, will they?” I heard Jean whispering in Henry’s ear. The brunet nodded, looking at me with the kind of eyes reserved for a puppy about to be massacred by a tiger.

“Look, this is getting a little bit silly.” I told the girls, hugging Olivia around her hip. “Olivia is obviously straight and I never see you policing her presence in the group. Jean has tried to include his straight foster-brother and the only thing you said about it was that he should stop sexually harassing him. Why is it suddenly so important that I decide who I like and don’t like?”

Hannah and Helena raised eyebrows, probably surprised by my words. It was the first who answered. “Because the only reason you ended up with us is that your old friends don’t want you anymore. I have to make sure you won’t leave us if they change their minds.” Hannah was looking at me just like my father did when he forbade me to talk to Olivia. It dawned on me that if I could stand up to him, I could certainly face Hannah and call out her hypocrisy. There was no reason I should be afraid of or intimidated by her. Olivia’s body lying against my arm was also a considerable confidence booster.

“And since when have you got the power to control who belongs and who doesn’t? And why can’t I leave if I want to? Have I signed up to some sort of secret society and sold my soul to the Demons of Sexuality or something?” I challenged her, making the rest of the group raise their eyebrows. Olivia seemed particularly pleased with my answer, and Jean was licking his lips with an expression I had come to associate with touching of private parts and indiscreet kisses.

“No, but…” Hannah tried to argue, but I cut her off. Thinking about how similar she was to my father made me want to win this argument no matter what; like some sort of first step towards my big rebellion. If I could not win against Hannah now, there was definitely no way I would be able to confront my father later.

“Look, I like Olivia for real, ok? She’s nice, fun, understanding and supportive. I’m not going out with her out of pity. If that makes me straight, then so be it. I don’t care, and neither should you. Everyone in this school still thinks we’re gay, so there’s no reason for us to not belong here. And we are all friends now, why can’t we stay that way regardless of sexual orientation?”

“And what about you enjoying Jean’s touch?” Hannah questioned me again. This was the one detail of this whole issue I had not completely figured out yet, but after everything else that happened it was becoming increasingly irrelevant.

“Well, I suppose my body is programmed to enjoy touching in certain areas. I don’t know if you have noticed yet, but Jean is remarkably skilled with that kind of thing. He could probably even get you to enjoy it.”

“Argh, no!” Jean screamed in horror, hugging Henry tightly as if looking for extra protection against this cruel nightmare. “Don’t you even joke about it! I was not born in this world to bring extensive pleasure and eternal happiness to girls! My sole purpose in this Earth is to be a vehicle of pleasure to as many men as possible!” The blonde kissed Henry’s neck as if to prove his point.

“You sound like your existence actually has a purpose.” Hannah rolled her eyes, sounding not at all impressed with her friend’s reaction. “And if I didn’t know you, I would say you were being a terrible misogynist, but…”

“But you know me and you know this is the absolute truth.” Jean finished for her, smiling brightly. Almost immediately he and Henry retreated from the main conversation as they became tangled in another intense make-out session.

“Whatever…” Hannah rolled her eyes again, focusing her attention back on me. “I don’t want to be betrayed anymore. I’m tired of people leaving their friends because of stupid reasons. I don’t want to make friends who aren’t really my friends. If I can be sure you are not just looking for the first opportunity to run away from us, I might feel like putting that whole discussion on hold for the time being. What do you say?” Hannah extended her hand to me, very formal and business-like. I looked at her and briefly turned to Olivia with my eyebrows raised, finding it somewhat hard to absorb what she was saying. My girlfriend smiled encouragingly, though, so I turned to Hannah again.

“As I told you before, I really like Olivia. I’m not with her just to prove anything to anybody, even if it might have been the original idea. Also, you were there when Jean told me that friends who leave me so easily are not really my friends. This kind of means I have stopped thinking of Brandon, Wendy and the others as such. You guys are my friends now, and just as you hope none of us will leave you, I hope none of you will leave me.”

“I think we have a deal, then.” Hannah and I shook hands. She was still acting overly formal, like she was dealing with some very important business client. She lifted the corner of her lips a little once the handshake was over, though.

“Wow, I’m impressed.” Helena remarked with just a little bit of sarcasm. “What kind of Easter eggs did you eat to suddenly grow a proper spine? You almost sound like a person worth talking to now.”

“I didn’t actually get any eggs. My parents don’t think it’s healthy to eat that much chocolate.” I answered, feeling an involuntary cocky smirk forming in my lips. “You are right, though. Stuff happened this Easter.”

“Oscar is finally on his way to become a subversive rebel.” Olivia added, smiling and winking at me.

“Oh, I see. Good luck, then.” Helena raised an eyebrow, not completely impressed, but at least she was not looking at me like I was some kind of inconvenient worm.

“Thank you. I will let you know how it goes.”

And with perfect timing as usual, the bell announcing the beginning of the school week rang in the background. As we rushed to assembly, Hannah grabbed Jean by the collar of his shirt to make him get away from Henry’s body, only letting go when we were safely on our way to class.

(...)

By lunchtime it was as if Hannah and I had never argued. She was still serious, cold and mildly intimidating, but she was no longer avoiding me or pretending I was something nasty stuck under her shoe. Our group had been eating together for a while when Helena and her girlfriend arrived at the canteen. Hannah almost immediately went to greet them.

“Come sit with us.” She told the couple, not so much asking as demanding.

“Sure. Ari needs to make more friends.” Helena agreed, stepping forward to follow Hannah.

“I don’t really want to…” Ariadne said, grabbing her girlfriend by the arm to make her stay.

“Why not? You could really do with a social life, you know?” Helena retorted, rolling her eyes.

“Not with them…” Ariadne looked at the ground as she spoke, not daring to face Hannah. “If mum finds out…”

“Argh, not that again. Your mum can’t be that scary.” Helena argued, trying to get her girlfriend to release her. “Let’s go, you are being silly.” She pushed her girlfriend with some force, making Ariadne stumble and almost fall on Hannah.

“No, please, stop! I don’t want to go!” Ariadne cried, making even Hannah alarmed.

“It’s fine, Helena, you can come hang out with us later if you want.” Hannah said, approaching the couple to try separating them. At our table Olivia and Henry stood up, ready to help Hannah if necessary. Jean, however, seemed very amused by the situation. He leaned forward on his seat to get a better view and grinned as he watched the girls arguing.

“Ariadne has to stop being so paranoid about things. I can’t stand this anymore!” Helena buffed, using one hand to keep Hannah away and the other to pull at Ariadne’s arm. “Now stop this silly tantrum and let’s join Hannah’s friends at the table.” She told Ariadne in a rather childish tone, like her girlfriend was being a naughty little girl. Ariadne stopped resisting almost immediately and silently followed her girlfriend to our table. “Yes, that’s better. Now take a seat and act like a normal human being.” Helena told her girlfriend again. This time, however, Ariadne did not obey straight away. She stood in front of us, head and shoulders dropped, seemingly oblivious to what Helena had been saying.

“Oh…” Jean sang, rolling his head expectantly. His eyes remained glued to Ariadne.

“Hey, Ari? C’mon, take a seat.” Helena insisted, oblivious to whatever Jean might have realised. Once again she got no response, so she furrowed her brows and spoke in a harsher tone. “Ariadne, sit down. We’ll have lunch here.”

“I don’t want to.” Ariadne whispered, closing her hands into fists. “I don’t want to have lunch with your friends. I want to have lunch with you and nobody else.”

“Then sit beside me and we’ll sort something out.” Helena replied nonchalantly, though she was still visibly irritated.

“I said no!” Ariadne suddenly screamed, stepping away from Helena and seemingly on the brink of tears. “Can you stop doing it? I can’t stand it anymore!” Ariadne’s voice rose in volume the more she spoke. “I don’t want to be pushed around everywhere and do anything you want just because you want it! It’s not fair!”

“You’re not doing everything I want!” Helena shouted back. By now at least half the canteen had interrupted their meals to watch the argument. “If you did, then you’d have told you mum a long time ago and none of this ridiculous avoidance shit would be happening!”

“But you said you understood why I couldn’t say anything and we agreed to keep it that way!” Both girls were shouting, their faces flushed in anger and agitation. They probably did not notice all the stares in their direction, or that they were very closing to outing themselves and putting an unfortunate end to their argument.

“That was before I realised how silly the whole thing would get! You don’t even want to hang out with people anymore! God, I hate you sometimes!” After Helena spoke there was a moment of silence in the canteen when everyone’s stare was focused solely on Ariadne. The other students had probably guessed what was going on by now, and undoubtedly many of them were watching the developments with the same kind of interest shown by Jean.

“Then just leave me! If you hate me so much, why are you still here?” It was impossible to see Ariadne’s eyes because of her thick lenses, but there was an obvious trail of tears running down her face.

“Argh, you are really stupid, aren’t you?” Helena shouted, pulling at her own hair in frustration. “If I wanted to leave you I wouldn’t be having this stupid argument right now!”

“Then don’t say you hate me!”

“Fine. I love you. Is that any better?” As Helena spoke, there was another moment of silence in the canteen. Everyone was looking at the couple, there was no doubt now of what was going on. Ariadne’s mouth dropped in shock and she tried to cover it with her hands, stumbling backwards as she tried to walk away from her girlfriend in sheer terror.

“No, no, it isn’t. It isn’t…” Ariadne hit a chair in her frantic attempt at getting as far away as possible from the scene. She looked absolutely terrified. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m…”

“Please come with me, Ariadne and Helena.” A soothing male voice that I new very well called near the canteen door. The hundreds of eyes that had been following Ariadne’s mad escape attempt turned to him instead. “The Headmistress wants to see you.” Mr Smith said, smiling encouragingly. Ariadne’s body froze on the spot, moving only after Hannah took her arm and guided her to the teacher.

As soon as the girls and Mr Smith left, the canteen erupted in a cacophony of noise and incessant chatting. They were all taking about the girls, speculating about the things they had just heard and seen. Hannah came back to our table looking angrier than usual.

“They were stupid.” She said as soon as she was back to her seat. “Arguing like that in front of everyone was asking for the most dramatic outing since Oscar and Jean’s toilet adventure.”

“At least the school gossip will definitely change direction now!” Jean interjected, smiling pleasantly with his body very close to Henry’s. “Lesbians are the new fashion now!”

“I hope they don’t get in too much trouble.” I said, worried about the reaction of Ariadne’s mother. If she had called the girls to speak to her, it most likely meant she was not happy about something.

“With the Headmistress?” Hannah asked, grinning slightly. “I don’t think so.”

“How can you be so sure?” I asked back, surprised by how confident she seemed about the situation.

“You’re talking about the Headmistress who suspended your bullies for a week for being violent homophobic arseholes. There is one reason this school has anti-homophobic bullying policies, and it is the fact that she’s in charge. She did everything she could to make sure Jean and I attended her school, and she arranged for Mr Smith to train as the go-to teacher for any gay students needing help. I wasn’t kidding when I told you this was one of the best schools in the region.”

“Wow, wait a minute!” I said, having trouble absorbing all that Hannah was telling me. “You are saying our Headmistress is some kind of rabid gay supporter? But then why Ariadne is so afraid of coming out to her?”

“I don’t know Ariadne’s reasons, I only know what Helena tells me, and she hasn’t spoken about it yet.” Hannah answered, her smirk almost morphing into a proper smile. “But it is true that our Headmistress is one of the most supportive people around. You probably haven’t noticed because you’re one of those privileged kids who takes from granted that bad people will be punished, but the truth is that not many schools recognise homophobia as a problem in the first place, so we are very lucky to be here.”

“Listen to her. She knows her stuff.” Jean nodded, grabbing my knee briefly.

“It still doesn’t make sense.” I said, trying to see any reason Ariadne could possibly be afraid of a mother like hers.

“You can ask her about it later, then.” Hannah concluded, making it clear she did not want to talk anymore by turning to her food and ignoring the rest of us. We followed her lead, though Jean decided it would be more entertaining to eat his food while on Henry’s lap.

(...)

It did not take long for Helena and Ariadne to come back from the Headmistress’ office. We were still in the canteen, talking about general school stuff while waiting for our food to be properly digested when they appeared at our table and sat beside Hannah.

“How was it?” Hannah asked, not even bothering to look concerned.

“Ariadne’s mum said she doesn’t approve of public fights in the school, so we can’t come back here for the next two days.” Helena answered, seeming far too smug for someone who had just been suspended. “And she told me to be nicer to her daughter because it would be a shame if Ariadne’s first girlfriend turned out to be a bully too.”

“So she has no problems with the two of you dating, then?” Hannah asked, looking at me with the corner of her eyes. She had the same smug posture as Helena, like she was proudly showing how right she was.

“Not as long as we’re not fighting.”

“That’s good.” I said, looking at Ariadne. The girl had been very quiet since joining us, and seemed rather uncomfortable with all the stares people around us were sending her.

“Yes, it is.” Ariadne replied timidly. She was looking at the table in front of her and bushing slightly. “She said she doesn’t care whether I like boys or girls as long as I’m happy.”

“Why were you so afraid of coming out to her, then?” Olivia asked before I could bring myself to do so.

“Because she’s my mum. I’ve heard stories of parents who are supportive of gay people until it turns out their child is one. I was afraid she wouldn’t like it.”

“But now you know it’s not true, so you can stop hiding everything and work towards improving your social life.” Helena said, caressing her girlfriend’s hair.

“I suppose…”

And so Helena formally introduced her girlfriend to us. We talked for a while until Henry abruptly stood up and asked Jean to follow him to somewhere more private. Most of us raised eyebrows, but did not say anything as we watched the pair leave, the brunet with his face redder than I had ever seen it, and the blond smiling like he had just won the lottery.

Our innocent curiosity about what they were doing turned into dreadful worry when Jean came back alone merely ten minutes afterwards.

“Where is Henry?” Olivia asked, just as worried as I was. She probably remembered the conversation we had with Henry about his feelings for Jean. Because of that we had a pretty good guess as to what had happened to him.

“He’s probably still by the rugby field. He’ll be here soon.” Jean answered, speaking as if Henry had just gone to the toilet. He sat beside me and soon his hands were playing around my waist and ass.

“How soon?” Olivia pressed, leaning over my lap so she could get closer to Jean. Between her accidental contact with my body and Jean’s very intentional groping, I was beginning to burn with something other than embarrassment.

“As soon as he sees fit.” Jean shrugged, getting even closer to me, as if he and Olivia had just engaged in a territory war with me as the ultimate prize.

“Then maybe we should go check with him about that.” Olivia got up and pushed my arm, indicating that I should follow. I had to fight Jean’s clinginess a bit, but soon we were both heading to the rugby fields hoping nothing too bad had happened.

(...)

We found Henry sitting at the furthest corner of the furthest field, with his back resting on one of the posts. We sat one on each side of him and were not really surprised to find him crying silently with his head on his knees.

“Hey, Henry. What happened?” Olivia called, stroking his back soothingly. Henry did not answer at first, it took a while for him to look up and acknowledge our presence.

“I told Jean how I feel.” He whispered, sounding surprised, as if he did not believe his own words. “I said I wanted to be his boyfriend.”

“Oh.” Olivia and I exchanged worried glances. What had happened next seemed pretty obvious to us.

“He said only morons have relationships. He thinks it’s stupid to be emotionally attached to someone or to feel anything at all for the people he fucks.”

“I’m sorry, Henry.” Olivia hugged him tightly. I felt I wanted to do something too, but I did not know what. Just like in our previous conversation, the idea of having a crying guy in my arms made me slightly uncomfortable, particularly once my father’s voice started screaming in my head about how inappropriate it was and how Henry should just shut up and act like a real man. “I’m really sorry.”

“I was thinking about it for the whole Easter break.” Henry said, his words marred by his increasingly constant sobs. “I missed him so much. I wanted to be with him all the time. I couldn’t even enjoy Easter because I kept thinking about what he would be doing and if he got enough chocolate…”

“So you decided to talk to him once and for all?” Olivia asked, coaching Henry until he was laying on her lap and she was stroking his hair. I felt relieved she knew what to do, because the more Henry cried the more uneasy I became.

“I had to get it out of my chest. I knew he wouldn’t accept it, but…”

“But what?” Henry grabbed a fistful of Olivia’s jumper, taking a considerably longer time to answer.

“But I didn’t think he would laugh at me and make fun of me and call me stupid. He said I needed a good fuck to stop being so naïve and he tried to open my trousers.”

“Oh, no!” Olivia almost shouted. “He didn’t…”

“I told him to stop and he said I was throwing away my chance of being with him. He kissed me and was gone, and I couldn’t bring myself to follow…”

“It was probably for the best.” Olivia tried to console him. I had given up trying to think of anything to help them, but I kept watching their interaction to try shut my father’s voice from inside my head.

“I can’t face him anymore. If I look at him and he tries to come up to me I don’t know what I’ll do. I can’t be around him anymore. It hurts.”

“I know. It must be really hard for you to get over him now. After he said all those things…”

“I have to let go.” Henry whispered, relaxing his grip on Olivia’s jumper. “I have to forget him and move on. Find someone else. Jean doesn’t want me.”

“If you think it’s the right thing to do…”

“It is. It has to be. It’ll be a waste of time to… to try changing him… to hope he’ll change his mind…”

“Well, then…”

“Then… yeah…” Henry did not say anything else as he stood up and made his way back to the school building. I wanted to call him back and ask what he was going to do, but Olivia did not let me. She signalled that we should just follow him closely and wait. Trusting that she knew more about this kind of situations than I ever would, I followed her lead and watched as Henry disappeared inside the school building.

It was not until much later that I found out he had not gone to the rest of his classes that day.

Hope you enjoyed the chapter. Constructive criticism is highly appreciated.