Loving the Lost - 5. Open Your Eyes

The house was quiet. I checked my digital clock. It was glaring at me with 7 AM written boldly across it. I winced. It was time to get up. I had kept tossing and turning the entire night and got barely any sleep, save for a couple of hours in the morning.

Usually if I am running late, which happens next to never, I seem almost possessed the way I do everything to get ready for school in time. I absolutely hate being late to school and I’m bitchy if things or people stall me. Maybe I’m an obsessed freak, but it’s true. I felt no such urgency today. I threw my rumpled blanket on the floor and sat up. My back ache had gotten worse in the night due to all the tossing. The doctor had given me meds for the chronic pain. It used to be an intermittent dull ache that would show up at the worst of times. I had not told coach about it. He would flip if he knew that his star player suffers from back ache.

I ignored the throbbing and decided that if it got worse, I’d just pop in a pain med.

I stared at my reflection in the bathroom mirror. I looked like I had been part of a train wreck. My eyes looked swollen and bloodshot. My hands shook when I splashed water on my face. ‘Get a grip, Zach’, I admonished myself. Part of me just wanted to get under the sheets and lie there forever but the braver part, the more practical part of me knew that I had to face my demons sometime. The sooner I did it, the more time I got to deal with the consequences.

Once I got ready, I checked the house for any activity. My parents had already left when I got to the breakfast table. Sometime during early morning, I had felt my bed dip and someone sit beside me. I could vaguely remember my dad saying something to me in a soft loving tone and running his hand over my forehead. I desperately wanted to cling to the end of the string he was offering me, I wanted to be the little boy and cuddle in those strong arms of the person showing me affection but I wasn’t ready to just switch off my feelings because they expected me to do it. I couldn’t do it for anyone, not even for myself. The damage had been done; their lack of support had been a major blow to my confidence in them.

Mom had never been that way before. After what happened last night, I didn’t even feel like I knew her anymore. While dad at least showed me that he cared, she was being totally distant.

There was a note on the kitchen table: Zach, we’ve left for work. Didn’t want to disturb you. Take your lunch box, it’s on the counter. Love, dad.

Great! She even made lunch for me today. What was I to make of this? Did she hate me now or not?

I quickly grabbed my keys and left without dwelling on the bitter feelings that crept up my chest. I drove to Jeremy’s house expecting him to be waiting outside for me since I was considerably late. It was a mixed feeling of utter disappointment and relief when I realized that he had already left by himself. Maybe he got a lift from Mark, now that they were suddenly talking.

The school bell rang loudly when I got to the premises. A cold breeze swirled around and a chill ran along my body. It was getting colder in Maryland as Christmas was approaching. I pulled the cuffs of my jacket lower. There was no use hurrying now since the ship had already sailed. I took my time getting out the books from the locker and made it to homeroom before Mr. Clinton finished roll call. When I got to the class, all eyes looked up at me at the same time. They were taking in my clothes, my hair and maybe my eyes. Any other day, I’d have been uncomfortable. Today, I didn’t give a damn to how I appeared. The clothes were grabbed randomly and my hair was messy since I didn’t care enough to comb them. Mr. Clinton looked up sternly at me as if to question me on being late but only gestured with his head to take my seat after looking at me for a few seconds. He was a ‘no nonsense’ old man but he was never known to be unfair. Maybe he picked something and was sorry for my pitiable appearance. I chuckled to myself and took my seat. Some of the kids were giving me concerned and questioning looks when I passed them.

Chris was the nerdy boy I sat next to in homeroom. He kept glancing at me weirdly. Anytime I looked around, he would be looking at me and would quickly duck his head when he realized I noticed. It was pissing me off and if this continued I’d plaster the nerd to the back wall or throttle his neck. I turned in my seat and looked at him square in the eyes. The little dweeb ducked his head again but when he looked up I was still staring at him. He got this really scared look on his face and I almost felt sorry for him. Almost. Why wouldn’t everyone just let me be and sulk for a while? Wow, I was now turning into a whining bully.

I realized that I might really harm him in the process of venting it out on someone. I was scared to know that I was this vulnerable and a putty in the hands of my feelings towards a person. This wasn’t me and I wondered about just how much power Jeremy had over me to make me feel so agitated at the smallest of things. I decided to let the kid off the hook and ignored him.

The bell rang and I went for my first class which was thankfully math. I tried to focus as much as possible but in the end just gave up on trying. My mind wad too occupied to concentrate on understanding anything right now.

I just went through the motions until lunch break arrived.

“You look like hell, man.” Gary said once we were outside the classroom.

“Thanks.” I replied.

“Sorry, man. But you really do look like shit. I was trying to get your attention in class to tell you that.” Gary was never known to be subtle with words.

“Yeah, Gary. I get it.” I said tersely and continued towards my locker.

“So, you wanna tell me why?” he asked hesitantly after I paid no heed to his existence. I knew he meant well but I was not in the mood to entertain him.

“I-uh…I’m going to the cafeteria to eat. I’m really hungry and we don’t have much time.” I expected him to take the hint and leave.

“Oh okay.” He stood there for a moment trying to decide what to do next. “Zach” he said softly.

“Hmm?”

He placed a timid hand on my shoulder and looked straight in my eyes before continuing “I know we’re not the closest of friends but we’ve known each all our lives. If you need anything or just wanna talk, I’ll be here.” It was a little surprised from what he had said. In a totally good way. I never knew Gary to be that sensitive towards people. Maybe I was too occupied and mostly oblivious about certain things in my life. Now that I was in a different state of mind, I was noticing them for the first time.

I just stared at him dumbly. When he started to back track awkwardly looking a little disappointed, I got my voice back. “S-sure and thanks.” I said sincerely albeit a little overwhelmed. He broke into a grin and trotted away.

I took all the books that would be needed for the classes after lunch. I was putting them in my back pack when I noticed a little paper stuck between the pages of my Chemistry textbook. I opened it to find that it was a note for me.

Meet me in the cafeteria during lunch break. I’ll be waiting for you. Please don’t be late. Love, XOXO

Someone must have dropped the note in my locker today. I was used to getting such notes from a few girls and I never took them seriously. If a girl did approach me, I’d politely turn her down. I was kind of known for not dating much. There were many stories floating around in the school for my lack of interest. Some even went as far as me having been burnt by love before from someone in the past. Some even said that I’m a casanova or in regular terms, a slut, who likes to sleep around but not date. None of them came to the real reason and I was glad since it didn’t seem to be working out anyway. It’s humiliating to be slaving at a dead end.

On that thought, my mood suddenly changed again. Although I was not sure how either of us would react when we came face to face, I often found myself searching for Jeremy’s beautiful face amongst the stream of kids. I didn’t see him anywhere in the hallways but that was typical of Jeremy anyway.

I took my usual table in the cafeteria and opened the lunch box. Mom had made a grilled tuna sandwich the way I liked it. I wanted to take out my frustration over mom on the sandwich and just dump it in the trash but I was taught better than to take food for granted.

I was thankful for my friends not being around since I looked forward to being alone for a while and getting my head cleared. While I quietly munched my sandwich, I felt a presence hover over my head.

A girl I had seen in a couple of classes stood there looking down at me. I remembered her name to be Susan. She had an apprehensive look on her pretty face.

“Umm, hey…Mind if I sit down?” she said expectantly.

I looked around to see if the other tables were occupied. They weren’t. Maybe she liked this table.

“No. Go ahead. I’m almost done anyway.” I smiled. I bit down on the last piece of sandwich and got up to leave.

Susan got a confused look on her face. “Wait- didn’t you get the note?”

“What note?” I asked a bit abruptly.

“The note that we dropped in your locker.” Oh, THAT note. I had completely forgotten about it.

“Oh, THAT note.” I repeated my mind dumbly.

She smiled a full smile of pearly whites. Susan had shifted to Rockford a couple of years back. Although I had seen her in school, this was the first time we talked. She seemed like a person who could pull you in with her personality. Her eyes were warm and genuine. She had the classic good looks of old movie actresses. Her green eyes shone brightly and her wavy blonde hair moved with every bounce of her head.

“Yes. THAT one.” She laughed. “I get a feeling you’re the type of person who doesn’t care about silly girl crushes.”

“You could say that.” I answered sheepishly.

“Ouch. We’re frank too.”

“You could say that as well.” I laughed. “So, who are ‘we’?”

“What do you mean?”

“You said ‘we’ dropped it in the locker. So who are ‘we’?” I asked without too much interest.

“Oh..umm…I’m here to talk about that actually.” She seemed a bit out of place saying that. I got a feeling she didn’t do this kind of a thing often. “A friend of mine likes you.”

I waited for her to continue. She looked at me like I ought to say something.

“Okaay.” Was all I could say.

“Ha-ha. Show a little interest, will you?” She said rolling her eyes.

Oh, I could do that. “A girl likes me! Who would have thought?” I squealed dramatically. “Please someone pinch me. I think I’m fainting.” I fanned my face with my hand. A couple of people stared at me like I had gone crazy. I just smirked at them.

She punched my arm. “Buffoon.” She said with a small laugh. I laughed with her. “How terribly old school.” I said and we laughed again. She sure lifted my mood a little.

“So, about the girl…” she trailed off. I got the feeling she thought that the topic might be annoying for me.

“If you’re worried that this conversation will annoy me, then it won’t. I’m not upset or anything. All you’re doing is conveying a message. But before you say anything or give away the name of the girl, you might wanna know that I’m not planning to date anyone.”

Worry etched on her face. She looked disappointed.

“I respect it but I still wanna talk about it if you’ll allow me.”

“Okay.” I smiled reassuringly.

“Zach, the girl we’re talking about, she likes you a LOT.” she paused. “You might be oblivious to her but she has been keeping track of you ever since the start of this year. She and I became friends last year when I shifted to this school from California. Things were so difficult for me at first. I didn’t have any friends and I didn’t know how to approach anyone. I was getting seriously depressed but then she came along and asked me if I wanted to be part of the cheerleading squad. She is the head cheerleader.”

How cliché. “Wait, are we talking about Rachel?” that got a huge smile on her face and a hopeful glint in her eyes.

“So you noticed her?”

‘Hard not to’ was the response that came to me spontaneously but I stopped myself from blurting out. It would be rude. “I guess. She’s in a couple of my classes.”

She chuckled softly and looked a bit embarrassed. “Yeah, I remember the way she kept trying to get your attention in Chem.”

I turned red with the memory. Butt wagging in someone’s lap is hardly a good way to do that. Maybe other guys fell for such stuff. She noticed the look on my face and quickly came to her defense.

“Look, she has tried to get your attention in many ways but you wouldn’t give her any. Also, Rachel thinks she’s not smart enough to impress guys so the only thing that she feels she has to her benefit are her great looks and body. I personally think she’s a great person but she doesn’t see it.”

I only nodded to let her know that I was listening. She continued, “When she included me in the squad, she didn’t know if I was good. Turned out, she was really impressed and even willing to let me compete for the head spot. I can’t tell you how much she has lifted my spirits and I feel like I owe her. She really is a great person.”

I could see where she was coming from and I even agreed with her. Rachel did seem like a good person but I needed to be truthful with her.

“I understand that you really want your friend to be happy. But I won’t lie to you, Susan. I am really not looking to date anyone right now. I haven’t thought about it.” I half lied.

Susan looked dejected for a moment. But there was something else going on in her mind too. She opened and closed her mouth a couple of times without saying anything. She kept mulling of whether to say what was on her mind or not and finally spoke.

“I think you should still consider this because as much as she wants to be with you, you need her too.” She spoke quickly and anticipated my reaction.

“What are you talking about?”

“Well, since we’re not really friends, I don’t know how to put it.” She looked a bit nervous but also determined. “I told you about how Rachel helped me for a reason. When she told me she had a crush on you, I started observing you out of curiosity. I noticed a couple of things.” She paused in a way like she was choosing her words carefully. “my mom is a doctor. Psychologist to be specific. I read a lot of her medical books and even though I can’t say that I’m pro or anything I can tell when I see symptoms.”

“Symptoms of?” I was totally clueless as to where this was heading.

“Symptoms of depression. I observed you for a while and I’m pretty sure of what I have been seeing. You are bordering on depression. You keep to yourself; you are mostly oblivious to what’s going on around you. And I’ve seen how your friends react to you. They act as if they’re treading on eggshells when they’re around you. Or you might snap.”

“I-I don’t know what to say.” I shrugged while I thought through what she had just said to me.

“Don’t say anything. I didn’t think I would tell you all this but somehow I had to. And Zach, please don’t misunderstand this as a cheap attempt to get you going out with Rachel. This has nothing to do with her. Well, except for the fact that she’s such a nice person, that she’ll help you get through whatever…this is. If she could do good things for a complete stranger like me, she’ll definitely do a lot for the person she likes.” She smiled wholeheartedly and I was caught between concern for myself and being genuinely glad that I had been shown kindness second time in the day. People did care. I exhaled wondering how I had missed knowing all these great people when they were always around.

The other feeling that ate at me was that I wasn’t angry or upset at Susan at all. As much as I hadn’t thought about it, I still believed her. My throat felt constricted when I tried to speak.

“Th-thank you for showing concern. I truly appreciate it.” I said sincerely and smiled warmly at her. She smiled back. “But I can’t be so selfish that I’ll date Rachel because she has something to give me. When I said I couldn’t go out with her, it was because I already like someone. I…it’s been a long time since I’ve been in love with h-this person.” When I fumbled, Susan’s eyes snapped to mine and I knew she had caught it. She studied me for sometime but strangely, I didn’t feel uncomfortable at all. I guess I wanted someone to see for what it was. I continued speaking, “They mean a lot to me and right now it’s too soon for me to move on. I still have very deep feelings for them even if we aren’t together.” I thought I was on the verge of tears when I thought about Jeremy.

A sad look came over Susan’s face and I cringed under her pitying gaze. She took my hands in hers. Her eyes bore into mine for a moment. “I won’t ask you again. I see that this is a sensitive subject for you and I don’t want to make you upset.” She paused for a few seconds as if studying me. “Whatever it is, I want you to know that you can come and talk to me. Maybe I can help shoulder your worries for you.” I chuckled at the words she had chosen. Who talks like that these days? She gave a small laugh too.

“But I mean it. ANYTHING, Zach.” Her eyes pierced mine as if directing the message straight home. I found myself gulping and nodding.

As if on cue, the bell rang to tell us that this was the end of our strange discussion. Susan got up casually and threw the trash in the bin. “I’ll see you?” she asked.

“Yes.” I said quickly. She looked happy at my reply and went away to her class.

The rest of the classes were a blur. My thoughts wandered between what Susan had said about me seeming depressed and Jeremy.

The last class was study hall. I took my library pass and went over. I scanned the room for a nice spot and headed towards a corner where a few kids were studying. When I passed a table, I saw Layla Cooper collecting her books and about to leave. I was staring at her wondering if she had met Jeremy today. I hadn’t seen him at all.

“Hey Zach. Want something?” She asked casually.

I was caught off guard, “Uh…hi…how did you know it was me?” I blurted and bit my lip.

“I may be blind but I have other senses. Other senses which are stronger than vision even.” She said without seeming angry.

“Oh okay.” I said.

Layla had been blind since birth. She can’t possibly know what ‘vision’ is. But I didn’t tell her that.

Our school had a separate section for blind students who studied the same course as us in another building. She was in the same year as Jeremy and I.

“By the way, I have a message for you.” She broke into my thoughts. I was scared. The only person that could give me a message through Layla was Jeremy.

“What is it?” I asked hoarsely.

“It’s from Jeremy. He asked me to tell you that he won’t be coming to school for a while.”

“A while? Why?” I was worried.

“I don’t know anything else. I’m not sure how long it will be before he sees you again. I’m not sure where he is. Uh, he told me you won’t find him at his house either. He’s gone away.” She spoke slowly as if consoling a child.

“Gone away.” I repeated softly without looking at her. My thoughts were far away wondering what transpired between Jeremy and I for him to leave. Was my confession so much to take? I thought I would break down any moment.

I felt someone touch my shoulder. I wasn’t sure when Layla crossed the distance between us.

“Can I tell you something?” she asked carefully.

I only nodded.

“You might feel that Jeremy left because he doesn’t care. The thing is, he cares too much for you. Always remember that. He wants you to figure out a few things before you can see him again. He feels it’s for the best.” She stood there letting the words sink in me.

“Thanks for the message.” I said and got to my table. I needed to sit.

***

I hurried to get my homework from the locker. I remembered that I had promised the guys to hang out after school. I must’ve already kept them waiting for a while. Dean would get on my case for forgetting.

I looked around to see if I could see any of the three around when I caught sight of Mark. He was casually standing near his locker with his arm around a girl, his eyes trained on me. When our eyes met, he almost jumped out of the embrace of the girl. It was like her body burnt him. His looked like he was caught with his hand in the cookie jar by his mother. I wanted to laugh at the absurdity but I couldn’t. His eyes held mine and I was transfixed. I’m not sure how long we stared at each other. I caught movement around Mark and broke our eye contact. I saw his girlfriend shaking him to get his attention. I was surprised. It was Susan! I hadn’t noticed her with Mark before. Ever.

Her eyes traveled to what Mark was staring at and found me. Suddenly, I felt guilty. I wanted to get out of there as soon as possible. Susan looked between me and Mark and I could tell that wheels were turning in her head. I just hoped she didn’t get any weird ideas. ‘Stop staring at me, you goof!’ I wanted to yell.

She waved me over and my first thought was to run in the opposite direction. My legs betrayed me. I found myself heading to Mark and Susan.

“Hey Zach!” Susan said excitedly. I hugged her casually.

“When I said I’ll see you soon, I didn’t know it would be so soon.” She chirped. I wanted to roll my eyes.

“I know right. What are the possibilities of it? It’s not like we’re in the same school, same year.” I quipped.

She punched my arm and I said ‘buffoon’ with her. We laughed. I looked in the direction of Mark. He hadn’t spoken a word to me. He was staring at his shoes. Like always, I was stunned by how breathtaking he looked. He looked absolutely amazing in his casual grey sweater and blue jeans. As much as I liked Susan, I couldn’t help but feel that she didn’t deserve Mark. The thought was too shallow and I knew it. But for me, none of the girls in our school matched his beauty.

There was something different today. Mark was being shy as usual but he was also kind of avoiding looking at me. Did he know something? Had Jeremy told him about me? Was he disgusted or freaked out? Susan tried to get his attention. “Hey baby, I’m sure you know Zach, right?”

“Yeah.” He said and shot me a tentative glance. “Hi.” He added.

“Hi.” I replied. This was too awkward.

“Are you coming to the party, Zach?” Susan asked excitedly.

Mark’s eyes snapped up. He glanced worriedly between Susan and me. I ignored it.

“What party?” I asked.

“Don’t tell me you haven’t heard of it. Mark’s throwing a party at his house. Everyone’s invited. Tell him about it baby.” She looked at Mark hopefully.

“Uh-yeah. There’s a party at my place this Saturday.” He said quickly and very softly as if he didn’t want me to hear.

Susan rolled her eyes. “That’s not how you invite someone.” She interjected.

I wondered if Mark did want to invite me at all. I had heard about Mark’s parties in passing. I had heard that they were always really great. I wondered why I was never invited to any of them particularly when I was always invited to all the parties his friends threw.

Mark was about to say something when Susan was called by one of her friends.

“Excuse me.” she said. “I’ll be back in a minute. Don’t leave without me.” she winked at him.

Mark gave her a loving smile. His light green eyes shone with warmth when he looked down at her. I found myself reminiscing the past fondly when Mark smiled at me with the same look. Back then, I thought he hung the moon. A sudden feeling of sadness washed over me and also something else. I was extremely jealous of Susan at the moment. I wanted him to look at me the same way.

It was a crazy feeling. I shook my head. Mark looked at me funny but then his expressions changed. He must’ve remembered he had to invite me to his party. Even if it was just for his girlfriend.

Something came over me. Usually, I would have been more than happy to leave Mark alone and not go to his stupid party. I didn’t even like parties. But today, I wanted to go. I wanted to be a part of what kids do normally. Or what normal kids do.

“So, when is this party?” I asked casually.

“It’s at 8 on Saturday. You wanna go?” he asked surprised.

“Sure why not?” I shrugged.

“Umm…Jeremy won’t be coming.” He said.

“I know.” I replied simply. He looked worried again. He shifted his weight nervously. I was having a little fun now.

“He always hated parties. We used to argue so much about it. He never got his way though. In the end, he had to lock himself inside his room.” Mark got a faraway look and a ghost of a smile appeared on his handsome face as if remembering something from the past.

“So do I.”

“Huh?”

“I hate parties as well. I used to give Jeremy company back when we were kids. Then, after a while, you stopped throwing parties. Or at least, I never got to know about them.”

Mark looked a little guilty. “So, are you coming over to give Jeremy company?”

What? Didn’t Mark know that Jeremy wasn’t home? Or was I missing something here?

“Where is Jeremy, Mark?” I asked pointedly.

He gave a confused and concerned look. “He-uh…you tell me. He’s always with you.”

“Yeah, but he lives with you.” I said irritably.

“Well, he’s home then. I guess.” He said nervously looking around.

“He’s not. He’s gone away. I guess to Aunt Carole in New York.” That’s where he always went whenever he wanted to get away from something. “Are you sure you live in the same house?” I asked sarcastically with a tinge of bitterness.

“Yes.” He answered softly. He looked at me like he wanted to say something else but bit his lip.

From the way Mark was behaving, I was sure there was something else going on underneath. Had Jeremy really gone somewhere or was he just hiding from me? I needed to find out. I felt sorry for Mark. If Jeremy had asked him to lie, it wasn’t really his fault.

Susan came back from wherever she had gone and Mark looked visibly relieved.

“So, you’re coming right?” she asked me after she got cozy in her boyfriend’s arms.

“Of course.” I said smiling and looked at Mark to gauge his reaction. He did not look away this time and I found myself getting lost in his eyes and the way he was looking at me. Susan cleared her throat.

“Gotta go. My friends are waiting. I’ll see you tomorrow.” I said quickly without waiting for their reaction.

When I walked the short distance from the school to the parking lot to look for my friends, a number of thoughts went through my head. I had been oblivious to all the things happening around me, all the good people that went to my school for years. I felt like I was opening my eyes and seeing everything for the first time. REALLY seeing it. I wanted to be part of this. I didn’t want to be lost anymore.

Thank you for reading. The story will pace up from here. I hope you stick along. Any criticism or comments are welcome!