To Move Forward - 6. Yin, Yang, Yan, Ying

“Don’t be all bashful. He likes you. Did he call?”

I couldn‘t meet Alec‘s eyes. “He sent me an e-mail this morning.”

The corner of his mouth pulled in and he cocked his head.

“He’s driving down this way for something. He wants to get together for dinner.”

“Sounds like fun. He seems nice.”

Grant came back from the kitchen with our coffee.

“No word from Ben at all?” He asked gently.

“He has the kids today. Maybe later.”

“You can use my computer to check for e-mail…” Grant said.

Alec interrupted before I could answer. “…No, Ben can wait.”

“Alec…” Grant warned.

“All I’m saying…” Alec continued unfazed, “is it might be good to step back from Ben for while…” He made it sound so easy and entirely reasonable.

“No. Patrick, don’t get confused. Deal with Ben first.” We both turned to Grant. “If you don’t talk to Ben, well, you won’t be able to have a proper relationship with anyone.” Failed relationships flashed before my eyes. Grant words made a lot of sense.

“I’m not talking about a relationship. All you need is to get your whistle wetted… or blown.”

“Alec!”

“Seriously, when was the last time, Patrick?”

“Oh my God!” Grant and I cried together.

Alec blinked a few times.

“Sorry. What I’m saying is that you are single, you can do whatever you want. Maybe spending time with Jeff would be good for you and if it leads to more, great.”

Grant came up behind Alec and put a hand on his shoulder. “Whatever you decide we will be there for you.”

“Thanks.”

“Anyone would be lucky to have you,” Alec added softly. He put his hand on mine.

Grant cleared his throat. “I am still in the room you know.” He leaned down and kissed Alec on the forehead.

Alec looked up at him sweetly. Grant leaned down and kissed him tenderly on the lips. They stared into each other’s eyes silently for a moment before Grant walked away into the living room. Alec watched him leave.

Alec and Grant had what I wanted. What I always had wanted. They made it seem so simple. It was never simple.

* * *

Still have Darrin. Sorry.

The text didn’t make me feel any better. My brain understood, my heart didn’t. I knew the kids were important to him. What about me? If we were able to get together how would that work? I wasn’t great with kids to begin with. How would they react?

My phone rang. It was a Wisconsin area code.

“Hello?”

“Patrick! How are you? Did you get my e-mail?”

“Jeff! Yes, I got it. When are you coming down?”

“Tuesday. You free for dinner?”

Was I free for dinner?

“Patrick, you‘re ok with dinner right?”

“Yes, fine, why?”

“Making sure is all. Sometimes I can be a little too much is all.”

“You’re fine. It will be fun. What did you want to eat?”

“You pick, anything!”

“There is a place off the highway. Nothing fancy, food is good. Servings are huge.” I heard him laugh and smiled.

“Can you e-mail directions?”

“Sure.”

“Great!”

“We can catch up on Tuesday.”

“Cool, it’s a date. See you then.”

“See ya then, bye.”

Date?

I hoped Jeff wasn’t expecting too much. Dinner would be nice though. Jeff seemed happy. No baggage. Far from the quiet little pipsqueak boy, he was now an attractive, active man. Full of life. Single.

* * *

“Hello.”

“Hi, Patrick. Can you talk?”

“Sure.”

“I just dropped Darrin off. He asked about you.”

“What did you say?”

“Well, I just said that you were ok. He likes you.”

“He’s a good kid.”

“Yes, he is.”

I waited for him to say something. I thought he was doing the same.

“Listen, I’m sorry about last weekend…” he stammered, “I thought that we might be able to spend a few more moments together.”

“It’s ok.”

“Can we try again this weekend?”

“Sure.”

“Thanks. We’ll figure out details this week, ok?”

“Fine.”

“Thanks. Goodnight Patrick.

“Goodnight Ben.”

* * *

I stood inside the vestibule of the restaurant and tried to appear casual. Patrons walked through occasionally. I was early and had time to wait and think and daydream.

They hadn’t added any lights out here since the last time. Muted voices beyond the inside door kept me company in the shadows. It would be good to see Jeff. I didn’t go out enough and if it led to more, fine. No harm done.

If it led to more?

The outer door opened.

“Hey you, sorry I’m late!”

“No problem.”

Jeff gave me a hug, a very strong hug.

Inside, I asked for a booth and the host led us to a quiet spot along the far wall. I immediately ordered an appetizer.

“How was your drive?” I asked.

“Not bad, not bad. You?”

“Piece of cake.”

“What’s good?” He asked, peering at his menu.

“Everything is good.”

“Come on now. What are you having?”

“Steak.”

I watched Jeff search. He pouted slightly as he scanned. He turned his menu and pointed.

“Maybe the chicken breast. It doesn’t look breaded or anything.”

I rolled my eyes. “How about…” I pointed.

“Oh, my God. I can’t eat all of that.” He paused and thought for a second. “It does sound good though.”

“Come on…”

“I shouldn’t. It would screw up my diet.”

He thought harder. I knew I had him. The waiter appeared beside me with our drinks and loaded potato skins.

“Are you gentlemen ready to order?”

Jeff started to speak, but I cut him off and ordered for both of us. He giggled the entire time. The waiter left and I gazed across at him still smiling brightly.

“I can’t believe you ordered so much for us! I’m going to have to do extra sit ups.” He laughed before he dug in. He practically moaned in delight.

“What are you grinning at?”

“Nothing. Glad to see you like that so much.”

“Stop! You are going to make me self-conscious now!”

I chewed slowly. Jeff wolfed down the rest of his first and grabbed a second. I coughed to hide my amusement.

“What? I haven’t eaten all day!”

“No, it’s good. Just wait for your main course.”

We chatted about his trip down, the school and the upcoming show. He spoke with such enthusiasm for life. We finished the rest while we listened to old music coming from the hidden speakers. Our meals arrived and he stared in disbelief for a few moments.

“Oh my goodness, Patrick! What did you order for me?” He began to eat without any hesitation. I watched as he uninhibitedly gobbled with excitement. Where is he going to put all that food? He would work it off. A lot of fuel for that body. He caught me staring at him.

“This is sooo good!” He wiped the corner of his mouth. “What else have you been doing with yourself?”

“Lately? Just work. Nothing really going on right now.”

“You mentioned some friends the other day…”

“I did? Well, a few. They keep track of me and get me out of the house here and there.”

“But no one special right?”

I had to think for a moment, so I sipped my drink before I responded. “No.”

“I don’t believe it!” He laughed. “A good looking guy like you? Nah!”

I blushed.

“Ha!”

“Thanks.” I looked down to avoid his eyes.

“Even cuter!”

“Oh, stop.”

“You are too cute! No wonder I had a crush on you at school.”

“You did?”

“Wait, you knew I was gay right?”

“Well, I kind of figured when I saw the tattoo on your back.”

“You saw that? Just how long were you behind me?”

“Long enough… I… you’ve changed… back then you were, ah, well…”

“A skinny little wimp!” His face lit up with laughter. “You can say it. I was. I worked hard to change myself. I told you that. I never wanted to be pushed around again. I wanted to make sure that I looked good enough to snag a hot guy! Back then, I couldn’t even think about coming out, I wasn’t strong or attractive enough to survive. I would never have been able to convince you to go out with me.”

“Me?”

“Yes Patrick, you! You were gorgeous! Everything that I wanted but couldn’t hope for.”

“You never said anything.”

“Of course not! Why would you want a little pipsqueak like me?”

“Sorry, Jeff, I didn‘t know. Maybe if I had…”

“So you are definitely gay then?”

I nearly dropped my fork. “Yes.”

“I always thought you were. Has it been tough?”

“Not too bad. People assume I am straight because of how I look or they are too afraid to ask. It’s a little like being invisible.”

“Wow! You are so not invisible! Look around, everyone in this place has checked you out. Just like at school!”

“Only because I’m tall and fat.”

“No way! Ok, maybe height… you were always tall. Height with distinction.”

I rubbed my belly. “Distinction.”

“Distinction,” he said. Warmth flooded though my face and body. I scanned the restaurant, no one stared at us. My gaze fell on Jeff. His pupils widened slightly.

“So, um… do you want dessert?” I asked.

“I have been thinking about dessert since I got here!”

“That’s not… food… I meant food!”

“I know what you meant, but no, no dessert. I’ve had enough. Thanks.”

I handed the waiter my credit card while Jeff finished his drink.

“Do you still want to come to the show?”

“Sure. Should be fun.”

The waiter came back and handed me my card and another card with the bill to Jeff. He grinned at me while he signed the receipt and pocketed his card. I put mine away and pulled out a few bills. He shook his head. We nodded to the maitre d’ and went out into the vestibule. I helped Jeff with his coat and slipped some money into a pocket. I zipped up my jacket and turned to shake his hand. He pushed me back against the wall, his lips on mine, wrapping his arms around my waist tightly. He only pulled away when the door opened. Three women entered, glanced at us and hurried past. The last one giggled and winked.

“Sorry,” Jeff said, blushing. “I had better get going.

I followed him out to his car and shook his hand.

“Thanks for dinner.” I said.

“No problem. When you come up, food is on you.”

“Deal.”

* * *

I watched Ben waiting in the food court. He paced between the tables, occasionally glancing at his watch. I was early, but he had arrived before me.

The location was my idea. This shopping mall was around half way. Well, closer to me, but it was neutral. I could shop or see a movie depending on how it went with him. People jostled each other between us. His brow was creased. Suddenly, he saw me. I raised my hand and he smiled but didn’t approach. I pushed through the shoppers to get to him.

“Hey, thanks for coming.” We shook hands.

“I figured we still needed to talk.”

“Look, I just wanted to say sorry about last weekend again. I really thought we would have some time to talk. I mean you were coming up anyway and we could maybe steal some time, then with the kids and all…”

“It’s ok. I had hoped for more time to talk.”

“Yeah. Oh, and sorry about Greg. I know he’s a little difficult, but he’s part of the kids’ stuff you know. I hope it wasn’t too bad.”

I didn’t answer because I didn’t know what to say.

“I know… he’s a pain in the ass right?”

I chuckled.

He smiled broadly. “Well, thanks for coming anyway. Do you want to walk a little or maybe get something to eat?”

“Let’s walk.”

We proceeded away from the food court and past a few stores in silence. I felt weary of this dance.

Suddenly, Ben tugged at my arm and pointed in the window of a game store.

“Darrin plays that game you bought him all the time. He loves it.”

“You told me which one to buy.”

“No, not that one. The other game, the one from when we were kids.”

“I’m glad.”

I continued walking. He caught up and stayed close.

“He likes you too, so does Annie, in her own way.”

“We barely spoke.”

“It meant a lot to her that you came. She said so after you left.”

I didn’t respond; I kept walking. What could I say? Annie looks at me strangely? Ben put his hand on my arm to stop me.

“Patrick, look… if you don’t want to talk…. I guess that’s ok, but then, well, how do you expect us to get past whatever’s going on?”

I looked away.

“I mean, I’ve apologized in everyway I know how but, I just don’t understand… and now, you…”

“Now I what?”

“Now you meet up with Jeff. Just when we are beginning to really reconnect.”

“How did you… it was only dinner…”

“When we left the school… your car was still there. You had dinner with him?”

There was no reason to tell Ben too much. I was so stupid. He didn’t know about the date. “It was just coffee. We talked about school and stuff. I was supposed to talk you. You were busy.”

“So you talked to Jeff.”

He was making me mad, this was not about me. “You talked to Rob!”

“What?!”

“What about Rob?” I pushed him away so I could see his face.

“Rob?” He sounded surprised and strangely innocent.

“Rob.”

Ben seemed to think too long, as though he was trying to piece together a puzzle lacking all the pieces.

I couldn’t control myself to wait. “Rob. He tried to warn me.”

“He did what?!”

“He told me to back off.”

Ben’s eyes flashed and suddenly a realization registered. He closed his eyes and crumpled forward slightly.

“Oh, my God. Look…” he began simply. “I’ve known Rob for a long time. First as Emily’s brother, then in business. He’s a sales rep. He does okay. I hired him to add my company to his other lines.” He stopped and looked directly at me before going on. “Later, he was a shoulder to lean on when I needed it.”

I hadn’t been his shoulder. He had rebuked me so politely. I couldn’t meet his gaze.

“I kept him on, even after the divorce. Later, he began letting me know he, well- uh… has, had… has, a thing for me.”

I didn’t want to hear anymore, but I had asked. He continued before I could tell him to stop.

“We never did anything. I swear. I wasn’t interested in him… he isn’t you.”

My mouth ceased to work.

“He called that morning to check on me, to see if I was with you. When I told him I would be unavailable all day, he kinda flew off the handle... and so did I. You left and I tried to find out what happened, I left messages…”

I truly wished I would have listened to them. “I just couldn’t...”

“I had to know. That‘s why we had to talk.”

I nodded.

“Do you believe me?”

I nodded.

He exhaled loudly. “Thank you.” He hugged me. “Thank you. I’ll fix this. I’ll deal with Rob. I’ll find a way. I will take care of everything.”

I didn’t know what to say. I believed him, I know I wanted to. He must want more if he felt the need to talk in person, to keep trying to contact me. To drive here. How do we do this?

“So,” he began, “are we better? Are we ok?”

“Yes,” I whispered.

“Well that wasn’t very convincing.” He gently punched my arm.

“Yes.”

He waived around us. “Did you need to find anything in particular?”

“No. What about you?”

“Not really, that wasn’t why I came.”

He knew exactly what to say. He always did I guess. We walked further and approached the movie theaters. He stopped and studied the listings.

“Do you want to watch something?

He turned and caught my eye. “Only if you buy the popcorn.”

I grinned and we proceeded to the box office. Nothing seemed exciting so we choose one only because it was about to start.

“You find seats. I’ll get the popcorn. Do you want extra butter or anything?”

He shook his head.

“Ok, find seats near the back so I am not blocking anyone. I will be right there.”

The previews were running as I came in. I needn’t have worried about finding seats, the place was mostly empty. Ben waved at me from a seat in the rear. I trudged up to him and sat down.

“That’s huge,” he whispered reaching for the bucket, “thanks.”

I settled in next to him as the lights went down. I grabbed a handful of popcorn. I had gotten the largest size knowing it was the only way I would get some. He loved theater popped. When we had seen movies as teenagers it hadn’t been uncommon for him to eat most of it before the opening credits were over. I scooped another handful while I still could.

I tried to watch the movie, but had the sneaking suspicion Ben wasn’t. He continued to eat and occasionally glance at me.

I knocked his hand out of the way to get into the bucket. He suppressed a laugh. The next time, I saw his hand jerk away as I reached over, then he shoved my arm making me miss my mouth. He started to laugh and caught himself with a cough instead. I tossed what was left in my hand at his face. We calmed down and watched the screen. He continued to munch and I grabbed when I could.

I reached over for more when I felt his touch. I pulled back to let him in but instead he stopped me. Very simply, he moved his palm along my knuckles until he held my hand. I rubbed his fingers with my thumb and was about to pull away when his grip tightened slightly. He raised my arm enough to pull the bucket out and set it on the seat next to him. We sat through the rest of the show holding hands tightly on the armrest.

Once the movie was over, we agreed it was time to head home.

“Can we get together again soon?” He stared up at me.

“Sure, let me know when is good for you. We can do something fun.”

He pulled me in for a hug.

“I will e-mail you so we can plan.”

He grinned widely.

“What?”

“I’m just happy. You have no idea.”

I hugged him again before we went our separate ways. It had gone much better than I expected. Some things were working out. I couldn’t believe how silly I had been. He said he would take care of Rob, now he knew what I had thought. I should have told him straight away.

I skipped around my house taking care of things before I sat down at my computer.

 

Patrick,

This week I am going to be crazy busy getting ready for the show. Before I forget, I wanted to let you know, I will leave a comp ticket for you at the box office. It starts at 7pm. You can crash at my house so you don’t have to drive. It will be so fun! Look forward to seeing you!

Love, Jeff

 

I turned my computer off and dragged myself to bed.