To Move Forward - 5. Something Old, Something New

I couldn’t concentrate with the continuous stream of self recrimination firing though my brain. I missed a turnoff, backtracked and continued. Further on, I stopped to get gas and finish getting dressed. Thank goodness I could use my card instead of going in. By the time I crossed the state line, I had calmed down enough to remember to turn on my phone. It chirped several times with calls and texts from Ben. I couldn’t listen to any of them. I called Jake instead.

“Paaatriccck!” He sounded cheerful. “How did the party go?” All I could do was breathe. It hadn’t occurred to me I would need to speak.

“Patrick…?”

“Yes…”

“Are you ok? What happened?”

“It was horrible…”

“What happened?” I heard Jake shut the door to his office.

“I don’t know, I thought it was going well and then…” I stopped before choking up.

“Are you home yet?”

“No.”

“Look, I’ll try cut out early. Can you wait a little?”

“Yes. No. You don’t have to. Just needed to hear a friendly voice.” I did feel calmer.

“I’ll be over as soon as I can. There’s a meeting this afternoon, I’ll try to escape after. Need anything?”

“No.”

“Drive safe. Text me when you get home so I know you are ok. Ok?”

“Yes.”

“Good. I’ll be there as soon as I can.”

I knew he had to work, but it felt better to know someone cared. Familiar surroundings made the drive easier and I could get around the construction via the backroads without missing another turn.

I opened the door to my quiet home. No sound, no one else around. I texted Jake and noticed more messages. I walked around in a daze and started laundry. I didn’t want anything that smelled like Ben near me. I tried to watch TV but couldn’t find anything worth while. Instead, I put on a sad movie and settled in for a good cry. I fell asleep.

I woke up, changed loads in the washing machine and realized I had washed Ben out of my clothes and regretted it. I thought about the cowboy hat and regretted that as well. Too late now. I ate a few pieces of left over pizza from the fridge and pretended they were from last night.

I mowed the lawn and concentrated on the neat straight lines and the sound of the mower. The numbness in my brain was so wonderful. I mowed my neighbor’s front yard for him.

I showered and sat down to wait. I didn’t know what to say to Jake. I needed to have someone around and make my life less lonely. I thought about making something for dinner, but changed my mind. I turned on the TV again, then shut it off. Jake better get here soon or I will go crazy. In answer to my thoughts, I heard a car in the driveway. I glanced though the window before I opened the door.

“Paaatriccck…” Jake said quietly and with compassion. It was enough. He set down a bag and opened his arms. He held me close. He was large and warm, and so unlike Ben. We held each other tightly and, in my mind, protectively. It felt good and Jake didn’t seem to mind.

“Thanks for coming.” I pulled away and managed a mangled smile before I led him in and shut the door.

“I brought a movie and this…” He opened the bag to show me a six pack of Budweiser. He grinned broadly and I laughed in spite of myself.

We watched the movie and drank. I cried during the part where the captain died, Jake put his arm around my shoulder. He always knew what not to say.

We flipped off the TV and I gave a rundown of the party through to Rob’s call. I told it as if I was someone else and made it through without getting too upset. “Then I called you.” Silence.

“Well what do you think?” Jake asked without a hint of what he thought. I grinned and shook my head.

“Well, that’s why I called you. What do you think?”

Jake chuckled. “Me? Maybe we should call Alec.” I should know better than to ask him anything.

“What about dinner? Any opinion on that?”

“Mexican!” Jake said decisively.

“You drive.”

* * *

The food was filling, conversation enjoyable. No more talk of Ben. Jake’s parents skipped New Orleans and ended up staying out in Las Vegas. Work was going well. He heard of a new movie coming out and we would have to go see it.

Once we got back to my house, I made him promise not to talk to Alec yet; I needed time to think. He gave me another wonderful hug and left. I watched his car drive away. I grinned inside. Why are all the good ones straight? I would have probably screwed it up anyway and lost a great friend.

I deleted the messages from Ben. A few repetitive key strokes took care of it without even hearing his voice. I felt guilty, but tomorrow would be a new day. I would begin it with a clean slate.

Work was the same. Lunch was the same. The afternoon went as expected. The drive home and dinner were predictable. The house remained quiet. I was alone and would be for a while before getting over it. I always had before. None of the others were Ben.

My e-mail brought no relief: multiple messages from Ben. I began to delete. The last one was written only a few hours ago with the subject line “Please Do NOT Delete.” I didn’t, but I didn’t read it either.

I went to bed unsatisfied.

The next morning before going to work, I read the last e-mail.

Patrick,

Sorry. I messed up.

You weren’t ready.

Please forgive me.

I will always care about you.

Being your friend means a lot to me.

Ben

I sat dumbstruck. No mention of anything else. Maybe he had said more in previous e-mails or texts. I was so stupid, now I would never know exactly what he meant. On the way to work, I couldn’t deny it anymore. There was only one way to know what he thought now.

My concentration was shot. My co-workers noticed before I did. I left a quick message for Alec at lunch. The rest of the afternoon, I thought about what he might say.

I finally got through and filled him in while I drove home. I waited for what I already knew was about to come.

“Of course you have to talk to him!” He was exasperated as usual. “Don’t you want to know? I mean you guys were in bed together… hello! What’s he thinking? ”

“Ya, but…”

“Ya, but nothing. Come on Patrick,” Alec said loudly. I hoped he wasn’t around anyone who knew me. “You were too rash. You know you were and you know I’m right. You have to be the one to ask. He practically begged you.”

I knew Alec was right. Ben deserved more. I hadn’t even let him explain himself. If I didn’t let him our friendship would be over. Any hope I had for the future would be gone.

There were no messages or e-mails when I got home. The next day I avoided everyone. I would have to say something to Ben soon or else. Or else what? Over. It was time. It took hours to complete those few words and another before I hit “send.”

You are right. We should talk.

I stared at the screen for a while and waited. Nothing. My clock said eleven-twenty. I had to try to get some sleep, I’m sure he did too.

A message popped up in the morning.

Can we talk in person?

Maybe somewhere in between?

Have kids this weekend.

I can make time.

Let me know.

Ben

I advised Ben by e-mail I intended to drive out to the old neighborhood after all. I’d catch up with him after. On my way to work, Ben texted his address. The rest of the day, I felt strangely good and was able to concentrate on ways to keep my job.

* * *

The old, brick high school where I had first met Ben was still there. I drove around it slowly and tried to catch glimpses of the past in its windows.

Ben and I used to hang out near the auditorium entrance. Being popular, Ben acquired many friends but more often than not he stole away to meet me there. I had friends of my own, but there was something special even then that made me want to be with him as often as I could.

The gym windows were dark. I saw Ben naked the first time inside it’s locker room. I had seen other boys nude before but he was different. For being so small, he had already passed many of us with form and body hair, distinguished and manly.

I wondered if English class was still held in the same second story corner room. It had been difficult for him. We rewrote his term paper three times. He fought me through every revision. Our first real hug was when he got his “B+.” I knew for sure how I felt when we lingered in each others embrace far longer than needed.

The park we used to meet at was the same. Behind it were the secluded paths we used to hike together and tell each other our hopes and fears. I wonder if Ben is still afraid of thunder and lightning?

I had driven only past places holding memories of Ben, not my old grade school, not my old playground, not even my parent‘s old house. Our school, our park, our pizza place, our movie theater, our, our, our. Not mine. I glanced at the clock, time to drive to Ben’s apartment.

I felt guilty. Annie and Darrin didn’t deserve to handed off because I ran out on their father, but, Ben and I needed to talk as soon as possible. I texted.

He wrote back immediately and said he was at Annie’s volleyball game and I should come followed by directions. He would buy dinner.

This new high school was enormous and modern, no style at all. I parked, went in and became lost immediately. I texted Ben for help.

“Patrick?” I saw a man who squinted at me through his glasses. His face was familiar, his body hidden in paint spattered clothes.

“Jeff?”

“Patrick!” Jeff dodged over to me and grabbed my hand. “Oh my God, it has been years! How are you?”

“Good. Wow. How are you?”

“Great. I can’t believe it. I thought it was you. You still stand out. I think you are even taller than back in school.”

I involuntarily slouched down.

“Oh, stop it! You look great! I just can’t believe it. What are you doing here?”

“Meeting a friend. His daughter is playing volleyball somewhere. I’m lost.”

“I’ll walk you down to the gym.” He gently nudged me down a hallway.

“What about you? What are you doing here?”

“I am helping build the set for the variety show. I am one of the faculty sponsors for Fine Arts.”

“Faculty? What do you teach?”

“English of all things!” He laughed. “I know, can you believe it? I sucked compared to you. Don’t tell any of my students.”

“You studied really hard.”

“Only because I had no friends, well, except for you. What have you been doing with yourself?”

“I manage a warehouse outside of Chicago now. Nothing big, it’s a living.”

“That’s right. I had heard you moved to Illinois. God, I wish we had kept in touch. You were so cool!”

I laughed and he joined in.

“Are you in town for a while? We should get a drink later.”

“Just the day.” We stopped in front of the open gym doors.

“Too bad. Oh, well here…” he scrawled on a piece of paper. “Call me so we can catch up. Hey, did you see they ripped down the old library? Remember how loud we got studying there? Well, when I could pry you away from Ben.”

I didn’t know what to say. This was the second time in as many weeks Ben’s name sounded like a curse.

“What about Ben?” Oh, crap.

“Uh… Ben, you remember Jeff?”

“Not the one who worked in the library?”

“Ben.” They shook hands. “I should have known he was meeting you.” Awkward.

“Well, I will let you get to your game. I got to get back to work. Hope to talk soon or maybe dinner.” We shook hands.

“Ben.” They nodded and Jeff turned and walked away.

Ben turned to me. “What was that all about? What was he doing here?”

“He works with the theatre department I guess. He helped me find the gym.”

“I was on my way.”

“Well, I’m here now.”

“Sorry. Thanks for coming. How was the drive?”

Before I could answer, Greg appeared in the entrance and strutted over.

“There you are. I heard you got lost.” He said it with a certain degree of satisfaction.

“I found my way.”

“Good. The match is about to start, finally. You need a swig?” He opened his jacket and displayed a plain metal flask.

“No thanks.”

“Ben?” Ben shook his head.

“Just as well, I need a refill anyway.” He pushed past us.

“Where’s he going?” I asked Ben.

“He’s refilling from the bottle in his car.”

“Why’s he even here if he’s just going to drink?”

“His older daughter’s on the team with Annie. He’s not that bad. It will mean a lot to Annie that you came.”

“Sure.”

Ben led me in and we found seats on the bleachers next to Drew. He shook my hand.

“Good to see you again. The girls are already out on the bench.”

“Drew’s daughter’s on the team too,” Ben whispered.

I didn’t want to be here. How could we talk with all these people around. Ben leaned into me and spoke quietly.

“Before Greg gets back, I don’t know exactly what happened but I’m sorry.” He leaned even closer and spoke even softer. “With everything that happened, the way you left while I was on the phone, just everything. Sorry.”

I didn’t know what to say. I was frustrated.

Greg walked in.

“Damn, you are big aren’t you. I could see you all the way from the door.” He inserted himself between Ben and I. During the match, he paid barely any attention to Ben or Drew and absolutely none to me. Greg’s frequent yells of encouragement down to the girls was alarming. I looked around us. I wasn’t the only one who thought he was being much too loud. I was embarrassed for him.

The game mercifully ended. Greg whooped loudly for the girls. Ben and Drew high fived. I sat and fumed at Greg’s antics and wondered how he could be so obnoxious.

“You going to join us to celebrate?” Greg punched me in the arm. I looked at Ben.

“Well, I hadn’t planned to stay. I got to get home.”

“Stay, have pizza with us,” Ben pleaded.

Greg blocked Ben‘s face. “Can’t be anything worth getting back to in Illinois anyway.”

The girls ran up to us. They jabbered on about the match. Annie greeted me evenly before she turned back to her dad. Greg went on as if he had played and won the game for them. I couldn’t bear to listen anymore and I wanted to leave before they asked about dinner again. I made my goodbye’s and waved in general to the group and backed away a step. Greg showed no interest at all. Annie shook my hand and left me with Ben. He hesitated before he shook my hand.

“Are you sure about dinner?”

“Ya, I’m good. It’s a victory party so I don’t want to get in the way.”

“You wouldn’t.”

I shook my head.

“Are you still mad? I know we didn’t talk. Can I call you?”

“Sure.”

“Ok, that’s something. I promise I’ll call.” He leaned in to hug me, I stiffened up; he stopped.

“Sorry.”

“It’s ok. Call me when you can.” I turned and walked away before this became even more awkward.

Once out of sight, I leaned on a wall. What a crappy day! I drove up here, mooned around the old neighborhood, and sat near Ben barely able to speak. I wanted to vent, instead I stalked down the hallway to where I thought I had parked.

“Hey, is the match over?”

I turned to see Jeff framed in a doorway.

“Do you always hang out in hallways?”

“Lucky I guess.” He laughed. “We are just finishing up.”

“Mr. Harrison!” A boy ran up behind him. “The tools are put away…” He looked up at me.

“Good Benji. You all can go. See you on Tuesday.”

“Cool.” He scampered off. I shook my head.

“I can’t seem to escape Bens.” Jeff grinned widely. “Sorry, bad joke. Do you want the tour?”

Jeff guided me around backstage through all the set pieces and continuously warned me about wet paint. Everything had a story it seemed. We went out into the theatre itself and he sat me down and ran back up in the stage. I laughed at his efforts to arrange the set on the stage by himself for me.

“That is what the beginning of Act II will look like,” he said before he flopped down next to me.

“I had no idea there was so much work involved.”

“You never hung out by the theatre so you would not. Ugh. There is so much still to do!”

“When’s your opening night?”

“Two weeks. It will all get done. It always does. You want to grab a cup of coffee? Unless you have to go…”

“No, that sounds good. You got a place nearby?”

“Yep, on the corner.”

He shut off the lights in the auditorium and the stage and I followed him back into the scene shop.

“I just want to change.” He disappeared behind some scenery.

“How long have you been doing this?”

“About twelve years now.”

I followed around the set. “Wow that’s a long…”

He stood with his back to me and pulled his pants up over his very small briefs. He had changed.

“Yes, but I love it. The kids are great, very creative…”

He continued while still faced away from me. Now that his pants were on I could move my eyes. His back rippled nicely with muscles and a well done rainbow flag tattoo on his upper shoulder blade. He pulled his shirt on.

“… so when he retired, I took over the department. Everyone thought I was too young at the time.”

He caught me staring at him. We both blushed.

“Come on.”

We walked across the football field to a small coffee shop. The waiter greeted him easily.

“Hi, Mr. Harrison, the usual?”

“Yep. Patrick, what do you want?”

“I don’t suppose you have any Irish to add to the Coffee?”

The boy behind the counter appeared puzzled. Jeff laughed.

“Too young, ok, just black then.”

We sat in a booth and watched traffic.

“So what have you been doing?”

“Not much. Work and more work.”

“Come on now. How is your family doing?”

“Mom’s doing ok. My dad had a heart attack about eight years ago so she lives with my sister in Green Bay now.”

“Sorry. You had a brother too, right?”

“Yep, we barely talk though. Just holidays and birthdays. He’s in insurance out of Madison.”

“Well that is good at least.”

“Yes, we all insure through him.”

“Anyone else?”

“Just a few friends.”

“Sounds a bit lonely to me.”

“Maybe, what about you?”

“Me? Well, I have my classes and the theatre of course…”

“Of course. Family?”

“Mom and Dad are still in the same house. Mom retired, Dad still works downtown. Crazy friends, well, some anyway. I’m avoiding them right now because they want to keep setting me up now that I am single again. They can’t stand to let me alone. You?”

“Me?”

“Single or taken?”

“Single.”

“Looking?”

“Not really.”

“Still sounds lonely.”

“Sometimes.”

“I don’t do well alone. It is a good thing I have the show to distract me for a while.” He stopped and sipped his coffee. “You should come back to see it! I know it is just high school stuff but it will be fun!”

“E-mail me the dates. Maybe I can get back up here for it.” I wrote my phone number and e-mail address on the napkin.

“Awesome! Sorry, I am such a theatre-geek.” He smiled while he put it in his wallet. “Not to get all sentimental, but do remember kicking Sam what’s-his-face’s ass sophomore year?”

I had no idea what he was talking about.

“Sam was making fun of me for being in the theatre and being a nerd…” Jeff looked into my eyes and willed me to remember. It worked.

I was waiting for Jeff outside the old library. He came out as Sam was going in. I couldn’t hear what all was said but the next thing I knew Jeff was on the ground. I ran over and got in between them. Sam tried to push me down too but I was much too big. I shoved him into the wall and punched him in the stomach. He went down like the bag of crap he was. It hadn’t been one of my best moments, but then again…

“You protected me. I never forgot that and I spent years building up so I could never be pushed around again.” He flexed his arm for me.

“Yeah, I noticed. You look great. I don’t have the patience to work out like that.” I patted my stomach.

He laughed. “Stop. You’re still are hot.” I blushed. He did too. “Sorry, didn’t mean to embarrass you.” He didn’t wait very long to break the silence.

“I guess the cat is out of the bag then…”

“Hmm?”

“Patrick, Patrick, Patrick. You are still the same. You never could tell when someone liked you. Never mind. We better get going. You have a long drive home and I got stuff to do too. Come on.”

We walked back to the lot by the theatre entrance.

“I will let you know about opening night. It will be fun!”

“Sounds good.” We shook hands.

“See you around then.”

“Yep.”

I watched him get into his car before I got into mine. He waved and smiled.

I flipped on a CD and attempted not to think about the day. Memories of Ben in the morning, frustration about Ben in the afternoon, followed by a comfortable chat with Jeff. He had come a long way from the little theatre-geek. He was downright hot now and he apparently thought I was too.

What the hell was I thinking?