To Move Forward - 9. Games Played

I pulled into the sub-division and noticed the beige and gray structures strewn across the grounds that blocked my way to the rear of the complex. I pulled into an empty spot, walked the to the outside door and pressed the buzzer. The door unlocked without hesitation.

“Patrick!” Darrin ran down the stairs.

“How are you?”

“Good.” He latched on to me. “Dad said we had to wait for you before we ate. Do you like McDonalds?”

“Sure.”

“Dad!” he yelled up the stairs, “He said we can have McDonalds!” Darrin raced ahead of me and inside. I pushed open the door the rest of the way and followed the voices down the hall.

“Did you ask if he wanted McDonalds?”

“Yes. He said he loved it.”

“Ok, get your shoes on.”

Ben saw me standing in his doorway and stepped over Darrin who fiddled with his shoe laces.

“Patrick.” He grabbed my hand and pulled me in for a hug. The last days apart were worth the touch. “Any problems finding the place?”

“No. Easier than I thought.”

“Good. Ready? Ok, lets go.”

Ben drove. Darrin sat in back listening to music through his headphones.

“Does everyone know I’m coming?”

“Some do, like Annie and Drew. Why?”

“Just wondering.” The last time I went to Annie’s volleyball game, it ended awkwardly and made things worse. This time would be different. Ben and I were more secure together. I was going to get into his world now and find a place in his circle of friends.

“Don’t worry, it will be fine. You’ve met them before. Stick with Drew and me, we’ll protect you.” He patted my hand and withdrew it.

I was determined not to lean on anyone today. I was here for Annie and Ben. I had to show both of them I was worthy of being a part of this family, as for the rest, to be worthy of Ben.

A few burgers later, we sped off to the school. I sweated slightly, but I didn’t think it showed. We pulled into the main lot adjacent to the theater lot and I wondered if Jeff was around today; we hadn’t spoken since our last text exchange. I didn’t see his car.

“Ready?”

“Let’s go.”

It was easier to get into the gym this time. I looked down the hallway toward the auditorium, it was quiet and dark. The gym was loud and bright. Greg waved at us. Drew was next to him, smiling.

“So you are back again then,” Greg said, punching me on the shoulder.

I’m not sure what inspired me. “Sure am!” I punched his arm. His startled expression made me think I had gone too far until I noticed Drew silently laughing behind him.

I crossed along past Greg and Drew before sitting down. Greg pushed on Drew to make a space for Ben next to him but I kept my spot and Drew couldn’t move. I motioned to Ben to sit beside me. Darrin followed Ben and sat past him. Greg returned to watching the match currently in progress while Ben helped Darrin take off his coat and arrange his hand held video game.

“Good to see you again,” said Drew.

“Me too, you have no idea. I don’t know exactly what you said to Ben…”

Drew interrupted, “Later.” He motioned to Greg.

I nodded. It would take me some time to figure out who knew what. I guessed that Greg wasn’t in the loop. Sooner or later. We should have talked about this before I got here. Ben grinned at me.

The first match finally ended. Greg stood up.

“I’m running outside for some refreshment before the girls play. You want to join me?” He patted his jacket pocket, holding more booze no doubt, while staring at me.

“No.”

He shrugged and looked around me to Ben who shook his head.

“Ben?” Greg was surprised. “Really?”

Ben shook his head again.

“Come on Ben…”

“He said no,” I interjected.

Greg twisted his neck to me. “Ben can speak for himself.”

Ben looked at me before turning to Greg. “No, thanks.”

“Suit yourself. What about you Drew?”

“No, I’m good.”

Greg trudged out of the gym.

“Sorry,” Ben said.

“We really don’t like it, but what can you do? Just easier to let him go,” Drew added.

Greg must have drank for all three of them. Drew rolled his eyes when Greg returned and started his antics once the girls trotted out onto the court. Annie waived up at us. She wasn’t happy for long. They got trounced. Other than some words of discouragement, Greg had nothing to say. The girls walked off dejected.

“That sucked.” Greg said too loudly.

“We should get down there,” Ben added.

“Isn’t there another game?”

“No, well there is, but we should meet the girls. They won’t want to hang around after that.”

“You going to eat with us this time?” Greg asked.

“Do the girls still want to go out?”

“It will cheer them up,” said Ben.

The car was quiet on the way to the restaurant. Annie pouted out the window, Darrin wiggled under his headsets, Ben and I exchanged uneasy glances, but the mood lifted when we went in.

“Dad can I get some money to play games?” Annie asked.

“Me too, me too,” begged Darrin.

“Sure, sure.” Ben didn’t count, only handed. “Make sure to keep checking back for the pizza ok?”

“Thanks Dad.” The two ran off in different directions.

“That should cheer them up.”

The parents were already seated at a table and waved us over. The adults sat together separately leaving plenty of room between them and the kids table. Joe and Emily shook my hand before Drew called me over next to him and his wife.

He leaned in close, “How is it going?”

“Fine so far.”

“With all the video games, they will feel better soon.”

“Well that plain sucked.” I heard Greg exclaim loudly.

“That school competed in nationals last year,” Ben said.

“Just an excuse.”

“They played real hard,” Drew added.

“But they didn’t win!” Greg glared at us hoping one of us would contradict him. No one did. I glared at him and wondered what sport he had missed his chance with football? baseball?

He caught me staring. “What do you think Patrick?” It came out as a challenge.

Everyone looked at me, many faces, each with opinions suppressed, year after year. It was easier to agree and let him have his way instead of dealing with the bully he was. Ben’s eyes were sad but hopeful.

“I think… considering everything, the girls played a great game, especially against a state ranked team.”

Drew’s pupils dilated slightly.

“It was a terrible game!”

“Who cares? They tried really hard.”

“They sucked…”

I cut him off. “What sucks… is you, saying they do.”

We could hear the games and kids through the silence at our table. Greg’s face darkened.

“I’m not the one who blew the match!”

I opened my mouth not knowing exactly what was going to come out next. Ben guessed what might.

“The girls seem to have gotten over it…” Ben said, waving over his shoulder.

“Yeah, let it go…” added Drew.

“They tried their best…” Emily continued.

“Gave ‘em a good run…” Joe said.

Greg jerked his head around himself in disbelief. Drew’s wife nodded agreement along with some of the others.

“They played a hell of a good match.” I was done.

He shot daggers at me with his eyes. When was the last time anyone said anything to him about anything? They all seemed to want to but no one had wanted to be the first.

“I’m going to see where the pizza is.” He stalked off.

I felt more than a few stares on me.

“Well that was fun,” Emily giggled into her drink. Some of the others began to laugh.

“I forgot what it was like for someone to have an opinion,” Drew’s wife laughed out loud. Drew elbowed her.

I felt a light tap on my shoulder.

“Thanks,” Annie said.

The kids followed the food and Greg back to the table. Greg was sullen at first but came to himself before long. No harm done.

Ben, Darrin and I stood up to leave. While we said goodbye to everyone, Annie came over to me.

“Thanks for coming.”

“It was fun. Sorry you lost.”

She shrugged. “We’re still second in the division. Two more wins will secure a place to go to state and the next two teams we play really suck.”

***

It was dark outside on the way back to Ben’s.

Darrin yawned from his seat behind us. “Where’s Patrick going to sleep?”

Ben kept driving and didn’t answer. Didn’t he cover this with Darrin already?

“You can sleep in my bed. I can sleep with Dad. His bed is huge.”

Ben looked at me then at Darrin in his rear view mirror.

“Do you think your bed is large enough for Patrick?”

Darrin yawned, shifted his eyes to me and thought to himself before he responded. “Maybe.”

“Maybe…” Ben said like he just thought of it, “Maybe, Patrick should sleep in my bed because it’s so big. What do you think?”

“That would work.”

I exhaled. Ben grinned to himself for outsmarting his son. I didn’t want to be around for the real “where Patrick sleeps” discussion.

Ben parked, got my bag from my car and went in. The place was quiet.

“Go, get ready for bed. I’ll be there in a minute,” Ben said to Darrin who walked slowly into his room.

“We are down there.” He pointed down the hallway to an open door. “I need to make sure Darrin is taken care of.” He leaned closer. “Crawl right into bed. I’ll be down shortly.”

He pushed me towards the hall and went in to Darrin’s room.

I turned on the light to see Ben’s enormous bed. Yes, Papa Bear‘s bed would be just right. I found the master bath and got ready. I settled on boxer shorts and a tank top. I was covered enough to be appropriate, heaven forbid I should run into Darrin in the middle of the night.

I snuck over to the bed and shoved my stuff in the corner before I crawled in. Ben came in and shut the door.

“Darrin is already asleep.” He jumped on to the bed and kissed me. “You know how long I have waited to get you in my bed?”

“What about the lake house?”

“Well, that’s my bed at my parents. This is mmmyy bed.”

I giggled and kissed him.

“Be right back.” He wiggled away and undressed while he crossed to the bathroom. I closed my eyes. I was finally here with my Ben, bit I was tired. I wanted to curl up with him and drift off. I heard the bathroom door open.

“Are you still awake?”

“Yes,” I said without opening my eyes. “Tired.”

“Me too.”

I heard the light go off and felt him slide under the covers. I reached out and found him. He edged closer and draped an arm across my chest.

“Goodnight.” He rested his head on my shoulder.

I kissed the top of his head. “Goodnight.”

***

A gentle kiss prodded me into consciousness.

“I’ve got to drive Darrin home. I’ll be back in about an hour.”

I mumbled a response before I fell asleep again.

The sunlight around the blinds woke me for a second time.

I stretched, sat up and listened. The door was open and I couldn’t hear anything. Slowly, I made my way down the hall towards the smell of coffee. A fancy pot with a timer sat on the counter, warm and ready. I found a mug, poured myself a cup, walked into the living room, and sipped. The sliding glass door on the balcony held a clear sky. I looked out over the parking to the other buildings and, in between, a park. The coffee finished woke me up enough to realize I was in front of the window in my underwear. I backed up while swallowing the last drops and headed to the kitchen.

I didn’t know how long I had before Ben returned, so I went down to the bedroom and pulled out my stuff so I could take a shower. I quickly made the bed and went into the bathroom. It was small for a master, but private. I turned on the water, undressed and climbed in. I had to only stoop slightly to get my head completely under. The water was warm. I closed my eyes, relaxed and listened to the water.

A hand rubbed my ass. I nearly fell over jumping away. Ben’s face registered both surprise and amusement.

“I thought you heard me come in.”

“You almost gave me a heart attack.”

“Sorry.”

He stood there being bashful. He was completely naked with what was left of his excitement melting away. He saw where my gaze had fallen.

“I thought I would join you. I didn’t shower before driving Darrin home.” He blushed harder.

I grabbed his arm and pulled him in. We turned so he was under the spray and he reached for the soap and began to caress my chest and arms. I did the same. We kissed before he turned me around and soaped my back, legs and finally my butt. He leaned forward against me and continued to lather my chest with his hands while his chest slid along my back and rear. I felt another, more intimate part against and in between my thighs. It felt so good to have him touch me. After some time, I turned and took him in hand. He did the same. His lips locked onto mine. We breathed deeply into one another while our hands did what they seemed meant for. It wasn’t long before we were forced to re-shower again.

I left Ben to shave. He had opened the blinds and sunlight brightened the room. His bed was complimented by end tables and a dresser complete with mirror on top. In front of its reflection, sat his cowboy hat. I went over and studied it closely. Smaller than mine had been, but perfectly matched in my memory. I had been so stupid to toss mine away in a fit of jealousy. I picked it up and put it on my head. It looked ridiculous, much too small on me.

Ben came out of the bathroom and caught my eyes in the mirror.

“Sorry, I was seeing if it fit.”

“Doesn’t really.”

I shook my head.

He crossed to the closet and opened the door. “Here, try this one, it might fit better.”

He pulled out another cowboy hat and I took his off and handed it to him. I looked in the mirror and saw him behind me putting on his, I put on the one from the closet. He grinned brightly behind me.

“Perfect.”

I checked myself again. A perfect fit. Something dawned on me.

“Is this… mine?!”

“You didn’t think I would just leave it laying around in my parents’ front yard, did you?”

I rushed him and pulled him off the floor, wrapping him in a big bear hug. He squirmed and laughed trying to escape.

“Put me down! Put me down!”

I let him go and we dressed. He picked up my hat again and turned to me with his eyes cast down on the cowboy hat.

“Patrick, look, you can’t do that to me, you can’t run out on me like that again. At least this time I had some sense to keep trying to contact you.”

This time?

Try as I might, I couldn’t fit those pieces into the puzzle. Ben had so much sorrow in his eyes. I felt stupid. He picked up on my confusion after a few moments.

“You don’t know what I am talking about do you?” He exhaled, closed his eyes and sat on the bed. Whatever he thought, it coursed through him. After a few moments, I tugged at his arm. He opened his eyes. They were wide. I sat next to him.

“Are you okay?” I said as gently as I could.

“Sorry, I’ve thought about this so much and it still hurts.” He paused to gather strength. “When you left that day,” he gestured to the hat and breathed out a long sigh, “it was like before. It took such a long time for me to forgive you for abandoning me when I went to college.”

What?!

He was the one who left. He left me behind. He was the one who went out and found his life and loves without me. I started to simmer on the inside before I turned to Ben. I only saw my Enge. He was so hurt and hopeless. I wrapped my arms around his shoulders as he started to cry. I couldn’t bear it. I wanted to cry too but still felt confused and upset. He wrapped his arms around my chest and nuzzled into my neck. I held him closer.

“I didn’t abandon you,” I said.

He responded by holding tighter.

“You moved out of state. You barely responded to my calls.” He whispered into my chest. “For a while, you didn’t call at all.”

“I stopped calling because you were dating. You left me. I was upset.” I tried to say it evenly but choked over the words. He had been hurt, but so had I. He leaned away to see my face. It was too much.

“Of course, I started dating… eventually. You left me, what was I going to do? You broke my heart.” His eyes searched mine for answers. I kissed the top of his forehead and pulled him to me.

“Oh Ben, I’m so sorry.” Twenty years wasted. Twenty years of pain. Twenty years of hell. Twenty years later, I held Ben in my arms, that had to count for something.

“I didn’t know. I’m so sorry.” I said into his hair.

“Please, just don’t leave me again,” he whispered.

We sat for a long time together. I had him in my arms and he didn’t want to leave, he never had. I held him close, he held me closer.

I sighed. “There really isn’t anything else to say then, is there?”

“No, there is.” His eyes searched mine.

My senses reeled. What more was there? Was it Rob? Greg? The kids? Someone else?

His eyes grew warm and confident.

“Patrick, I love you.”

I think the words fell out of his mouth before he even knew what he had said. We both were surprised.

He smiled. “I love you. I always have. I always will. Please give me a chance, I can make you happy.”

He said he loved me.

There is no better way to express the depth of one’s feelings then by saying those words.

He said he loved me.

It was what I had waited far too long to hear. I had only heard it in my dreams before now.

He said he loved me.

Even after all this time, he wanted me: now, in the present, and in the future.

“I’m not going anywhere.”

He gazed up into my eyes. He smiled and more.

“Today, neither of us are.”

***

I was secure and not worried. Ben had told me it was going to be crazy busy this week. He mentioned he had to let go one of his employees and he needed another one in place right away. Interviews during the days and late nights for now. I had to wait.

U have suit?

It was an odd question for Ben to text. Something was up.

Yes - why?

Special weekend here

?

We hadn’t made plans for the weekend. I had assumed he would drive down. It was his turn.

There was a delay before his response.

Surprise. Bring suit.

???

my place sat morn secret luv u

I rested my chin on my hand, life with Ben was going to interesting.