The Secret Life Of Billy Chase 7 - 34. Chapter 34

Tuesday

- You know....one thing that I'm quickly learning about alcohol...is that it doesn't stop working just because you stop drinking it.

This morning, I had one hell of a splitting headache! So bad that it turned my eyes red and I could hardly breathe without causing my sore temples to throb with intense pain. I still felt dizzy every time I tried to stand up, and my mouth and throat were so dry that every drop of saliva that I could muster took a great effort to swallow down. Ugh! It SUCKED! Not to mention that, even after my shower and brushing my teeth, when I went downstairs for breakfast...it smelled GREAT...but everything ended up tasting like bubble wrap. Total waste of an awesome 'Mom Breakfast'.

Maybe next time, I should take it easy. However, I did remember the evening I spent with Trace...and the more I thought about it, the more I thought that he might have been giving me a sign. Like a real signal, you know? I mean...what if he's scared? It's not like Trace to be really nervous about anything. There aren't many situations where Trace seems to display a lack of confidence about who he is or what he's doing. But then again...both Bobby and Ian were absolutely terrified of one another, and they weren't like that before either.

I don't know...it's prolly wishful thinking on my part. But, what Trace and I shared last night was so intimate, you know? I just feel like I'm missing something. And I don't want miss out on another cute boy by not taking the chances that I should be taking. Or...whatever. Something like that.

I met up with Sam this morning. I was surprised that he was ready before I even got to his house this morning. Sam doesn't usually run too late in the mornings, but he's hardly the 'early bird' type. He's always really cute when his hair is still kinda wet from his morning shower. I don't know...it's shiny, and a darker blond, but not by much. I'm weening myself off of looking at him in a sexual way, but my eyes refuse to deny the fact that my best friend is HOT! Just a lucky draw from the deck, I suppose.

Anyway, as we were walking, he says to me, "So, I see that Joey is still dating the Johnny guy, huh?"

From the moment he said that, I felt uncomfortable. I softly answered, "Ummm...you mean Jamie. Jamie Cross."

Sam's like, "Yeah. That asshole. I hate that guy."

You have to understand...Jamie Cross has been like a GOD to me for as long as I can remember. I think Jamie is the sole reason that I started puberty at all! The dreaming and the fantasizing and the masturbation and the nervous giggles and the bashful peeks at his big blue eyes in the hallway....they've pretty much defined me as a person. He's like the homosexual standard for everything I love about other boys. Sam included. To hear Sam hear that he 'hates that guy' and then look to me as though he was waiting for a reply? I don't know. It was awkward on a level that I just wanted to run away from.

Sam kept going, even when I didn't look at him or comment. He was like, "He's just...he's too pretty, don't you think? I mean, who is this guy? Who cares? There's nothing about him that's so special. He's just 'there', you know?"

I didn't want to agree. Not at all. I mean, not only was I still in awe of everything that Jamie was, but he was kinda like a friend to me. We didn't know each other THAT well..but that came more from me being scared to even approach him 9 times out of 10. But that wasn't his fault. Jamie was a good guy. And it's not like he STOLE Joanna from Sam. They were done. And it was...umm...mostly Sam's fault.

I hate to write that here, considering the things that I've done in the few 'relationships' that I've had. But it's true.

I kept trying to give a non-commited and vague reply, and then change the subject, but Sam kept bringing it up. Finally saying, "Well, I'm just saying...I don't like that guy. Fuck him. Right?" The look that he gave me sort of told me the reason that he even brought it up. It was like...he wanted me to stay away from him or something. And that's not fair. I mean, when he and I had our differences, I never told him to stay away from Lee or Randall or Joanna while they were still hanging out at the mall every Saturday. So what the hell?

Sam never came right out and said, 'Don't talk to Jamie Cross.' But it was implied. I know Sam well enough to know how his mind works. I hope he doesn't expect me to just jump into a war between the two of them. Because...I mean...arrrgh!

I'll choose Sam. Of COURSE I'd choose Sam. But...in my own, psychotic, way...a part of my heart actually belongs to Jamie Cross. Even if he's straight, it doesn't matter. I kinda...still love him. That doesn't just go away. Anyway, I don't want to get in the way of this thing. I hope it just rolls itself up into a tight little ball and goes away. Because that is a lose/lose situation, no matter how I look at it.

Grrr...why couldn't Joanna just date a total stranger from waaaaay on the other side of town?

I saw Brandon briefly in the halls today. It was unexpected, so I didn't really have a chance to brace myself for it.

How did I feel about it? I don't know. His eyes met mine...that apologetic stare. I don't know if I was giving him an apologetic look of my own or not. I just knew that I didn't want to give him the satisfaction of letting him back into my life again. Even just as someone who he could say hello to in passing. Call me stubborn, but he doesn't get to just disregard my feelings and tell me to fuck off whenever he feels like it. I'm a human being, just like he is. And until he truly learns to think about my feelings the same way he thinks about his own...we have nothing to say to each other.

Otherwise, it's just going to be a repeat performance of him hurting me over and over again while I sit here and take it.

Sometimes, even though the strongest feelings you have about love are pulling you in one direction....

It's just not the best direction for you to follow. You can't just love someone else and hate yourself. It doesn't work like that. It never will.

Speaking of....you know...'love'....

I saw Bobby and Ian together for the first time in ages. I've seen them one at a time over the past few weeks, but they seemed totally joined at the hip today. I mean, there was an actual glow around them both as they stood there grinning at one another right in front of me. I was surprised that they actually invited me to go to lunch with them today. They wanted to eat out in a little private spot on the side of the high school lawn, and seeing as I was trying to avoid the 'Sam Vs. Jamie' situation, it gave me a legitimate excuse to hang out elsewhere.

Little did I know that this was a luncheon that I probably should have avoided as well....

I don't know. I was really interested and excited about things at first, but it faded fast. As soon as the three of us got some privacy, I wanted to know what happened! But I didn't want to actually SAY anything, because I figured it was kinda like...their story to tell. Luckily for me, they were bursting at the seams to tell me the story anyway.

Lucky, unlucky....who's to say?

Bobby started by saying, "Billy! Aren't you gonna ask what happened this past weekend???" And I saw Ian playfully nudge him in the side. But afterward....I noticed that Ian secretly took a hold of Bobby's hand. He was blushing so hard, and their eyes connected for a moment...an extended glance of pure infatuation...and as they exchanged a tender smile with one another...I felt a knot being tied in my intestines. It hurt. The emotion just got stuck in there and I felt this mock sense of utter hatred building up inside of me. I don't even know where it came from. Maybe it was jealousy. In fact, I'm pretty sure that's what it was. I just didn't have a way to control it. That's all.

I forced myself to be a part of their excited confession, and both Ian and Bobby struggled playfully to be the first one to tell me. Bobby won, as Ian seemed to be wrapped around his little finger.

Bobby said, "When Ian called me, I just thought it would be our everyday conversation. I wanted to hear his voice...he wanted to hear mine...we talked all the time."

Ian was like, "You already know how scared I was, Billy! I was almost hoping that Bobby wouldn't pick up the phone so I could put it off for another day or two. But once he said hello, I told myself that I was going to stick to the plan, and not chicken out this time."

Then Bobby gave Ian's had a gentle squeeze, and he said, "So...Ian spilled the beans. I mean...he was trembling, I could tell..."

Ian said, "I was NOT trembling!"

Bobby was like, "Yes, he was, Billy. Totally." they both giggled, and I looked down as their loving hand embrace tightened itself. Bobby said, "I thought it was soooo CUTE though! I mean, Ian told me that he just wanted to be with me. If only for a little while. He called me beautiful, Billy."

Ian looked at him and said, "You are beautiful. You know that."

Bobby blushed, like, "I am not. You're beautiful...

Ian said, "Unh unh...you are. Hehehe! I wish I could kiss you, right now..."

Bobby giggled sheepishly, and shrugged his shoulders as he said, "Ian...c'mon. Don't....hehehe!"

Yeah, most people would have found the whole exchange sweet and cuddly, but I just...I wanted to be somewhere else. All it did was make me think, "Where is MY Prince Charming? I've been a good person, haven't I? For the most part? Where can I find a beauty of my own? I'm serious...it ACHED to see them so happy! Why them? Was it just their time? Is that what it is?

We ate lunch....but....it wasn't the same.

I kept peeking up, and Ian and Bobby were just...they were soooooo in love. They kept gazing into each other's eyes. They kept grinning for no reason. The attraction and the connection was so strong that I almost regretted letting my pride get in the way of talking to Brandon earlier that day. Just seeing them so....so...so HAPPY....

:(

Everybody wants that in their lives, whether they admit it or not. And I wasted a lot of time telling myself that I didn't need it in my life, when, deep down, I wanted that more than anything. LOOK at them! Ian actually offered Bobby the rest of his cookies. And Bobby accepted them, offering to break the last one in half to share with his baby. All that fear, all that hesitation...and it turns out that they're perfect for each other. Perfect in a way that nobody else will ever be able to match. Bobby....Ian....they've found their soul mate.

And I'm JEALOUS!

I'm so jealous that it burns the inside of my stomach just to think about it. And I don't think they've even KISSED yet, much less do as much as I have the last few weeks with Robin. Or even Lee, for that matter. Or SAM! And yet....I can tell from the sparkle in their eyes, the quivering voices, the shaky hands reaching out to touch one another in this timid but overwhelmingly compulsive way....it all showed signs of something that was bigger than the both of them. There were no conflicts between them. No proud moments of ego. No arguments about this or that. What ever Bobby felt, whatever Ian felt, they both worked together and put forth the most amazing effort to doanything to make the other one happy. Nothing mattered outside of that one moment. Nothing. Watching them maintain the most adorable balance in their love for one another...they made it look so easy. I don't know...maybe it was because it was so brand new. Maybe because Ian had the guts to tell Bobby how beautiful he was every few minutes. I can't tell you what it was that made it work. But both of them seemed to be pouring their whole hearts into it throughout the entire lunch period. It was almost like a competition for one to show the other that he loved him more. And that...that was so cute to me.

Not everybody gets that in their lives....

Don't know why, but I thought about my parents. Was it my mom who wasn't getting that kind of love and attention? Or was it my dad? Because...any couple who works to display that kind of giddy and goofy infatuation on a daily basis....how could something like that fall apart? When both parties are receiving a love that defies all logic and reason. If I had that...I'd never give it up. Not for any reason.

Then again....maybe I did.

I DON'T want to think about Brandon anymore! I really don't! SCREW him! He wanted space...now he can have all the space he wants!

But...if there was someone else...someone like a Bobby or an Ian...I wish fate would send him my way soon. I don't know how much of this weirdness I can take.

Anyway, I've gotta run. This day was weird. Not to mention the fact that Stevie has been pretty quiet lately. There was a time when he couldn't go ten minutes without being mobbed by fans of his coming out speech on stage. But he seems to be lying awfully low these days. I wonder what's up with him? Not to mention that Simon is surprisingly absent from things, considering Finals are coming up.

Maybe I've been a bit self absorbed myself, if I don't know where my friends are. So I'll check it out tomorrow and report back here when I can. Cool?

Laters....

-Billy