Dan's Conundrum - 6. Chapter 6

If you have lived in a country so completely unlike your own and you were unable to communicate, perhaps you too would spend a lot more time thinking and learning about the world around you than savouring the tastes of wine. You see patterns, you set up theories, you understand from others what you can get away with and what you can’t. You evaluate what you do and you learn from your mistakes. You learn what not to say to others, and when not to say anything at all, which was most of the time because a funny accent was exactly the sort of entertainment they’d love to see repeated week after week. You learn from your environment what causes negative feelings, and you won’t do them ever again. You make up rules for yourself, rules in their hundreds just because you want a plain and uneventful day. It was the best you could hope for.

The state of the canteen when I arrived that day was horror enough, but unknown to me the real horrors were yet to come. Five years on, after countless hours of serious reflection, I still hadn’t understood fully what exactly took place. It happened in my first school and I guess, part of me really died that year.

Pupils were queuing for the little grey tickets. I always wondered what they did. Apparently it must have been something good, because people like me always had to pay for our own lunches and very much unlike us, all they needed was that one ticket and they could even get more food than me. Because they were on the list they’d be getting tickets again tomorrow. My theory was that the tickets must be a currency of some sort, or a token, a reward. I never asked and I wouldn’t know how to.

Another possible explanation that I was not eligible for it was that their parents might have pre-paid it in advance – but why then, did the dinner lady not give them any change? If it was their pre-paid money, when they under-spent they should be given their changes back. It didn’t make any sense, then again, maybe by that time I had accepted that many things that I observed were simply nonsense and not meant to be understood. It was just the way it worked over here.

When I finished paying for my lunch after queuing ethically for thirty minutes (meaning I started at the back of the queue and waited my turn, not pushing in with a dozen friends because I knew somebody at the front), I walked into the dining hall and surveyed the miserable place. It was cavernous, and it was a battlefield. Food was thrown, food was dropped, food was bought and then left pretty much uneaten on the table. During the first week the food wastage, or at least the extent my peers seemed to waste what was their parents’ money, shocked and even appalled me. And they were happy to waste when I was truly hungry. Food itself was a luxury, I was taught. I was told many times that people were starving in many parts of the world, that I was lucky not to go to bed hungry. Perhaps that was why I felt so removed from those who would throw food without giving others a damn, like it was just a game.

It was past peak time but there still weren’t places I could sit. I hated it. I hated wandering around the hall, not able to find a seat for ten minutes. I hated appearing I had nowhere to go. I hated being seen as someone who really had no one – not even half a friend. When I spotted some empty seats I hopped over, carefully avoiding a portion of chips and gravy spread across the floor, awaiting cleaning. The hexagonal table I found near the corner had six seats, three were occupied by girls. I recognised them from my French class. They were inseparable in the classroom and evidently here, too. Those three couldn’t stop talking in lessons, though they never offended me personally. In fact, I vaguely remembered one of them smiling at me the other day. Or it might have been the person behind me. Anyway, as far as I was concerned they were friendly units, or at least, potential ones. From my observations I knew they didn’t hang out with anyone but themselves, so I assumed the seats were unreserved.

‘Um…hello. Excuse me,’ I mumbled as I grabbed the empty seat furthest away from them, with two empty seats on either side of me. I put down my tray. It might have been better to ask if they’d mind me sitting there instead of asking for their pardon, but then I didn’t know the language well enough. Two of the girls looked away without a second glance in my direction, but one kept looking this way. I felt her eyes on my skin. Only had I sat down did I have the courage to look up. She was still staring at me, seeming displeased by something.

‘What do you think you are doing?’ she screamed. The last word seemed to have ricocheted off the walls, making her voice unnaturally loud. I winced slightly. I didn’t like raised voices, especially at me. I had no idea what prompted her question or what answer she expected. For a moment I was stumped.

Was it not evident that in a canteen quite full, I was just trying to find a place I could eat in peace? Was it not evident to her that she didn’t need to shout in such close proximity? She must be mad. I pretended not to have heard her. If she wanted me to respond, she would have to address me in a civil way – which meant anything but shouting.

‘What the fuck do you think you are doing?’ She roared again, this time drawing attention from the nearby tables, both boys and girls. They turned from their food, dropping their conversations to watch the drama unfold.

I hated that attention. It was the thrill, the anticipation that she would stand up any moment now and come to whack me, though seriously if she did, I would not hesitate to retaliate. I didn’t believe in the ‘boys mustn’t hit girls’ rule, which evidently must have been invented by the English, and I was not English.

‘I’m…eating?’ I suggested.

‘Well. Fuck. Off!’ she yelled, dragging the last two words way too long.

Dumbfounded, I simply stared at her. Had I violated a secret code somewhere? Should I have used the magic word, please? It was too late for that now. You’re screwed. Of all possibilities, this was the one I had not anticipated.

‘Just leave her alone, Dan,’ a boy on the next table said. ‘You’re being annoying.’

The silence that followed simply implied mutual agreement. I looked away, laughing dryly while shaking my head. When my eyes returned to them they were still there, expecting me to move. I closed my eyes, exhaled quickly through my nose and making a sound. Don’t show them you’re hurt. Actually, you’re not hurt at all. You’re not even bothered by this in any way. Without a word I took my tray, got to my feet and left the scene. This was my punishment for violating a rule I had yet to learn. Now I was determined to learn it.

In the corner of my eye, I saw the three girls covering their mouths, laughing hysterically amongst themselves.

I was wandering in the aisles again, appearing to be a fool. Didn’t he just sit down a minute ago? Why is he looking for seats again? I carried on walking, unsure if I should still sit with anyone. I was evaluating what had happened and what I had done wrong. There must have been a logical explanation. I might have missed a vital clue. Maybe she reserved the seat for someone else or, maybe she didn’t like having a boy at her table. Perhaps that girl had an agenda against boys in general. That was plausible. There were many possible explanations. Even then, I felt I had learned something new. Next time, I could ask if they’d mind before I sit. That was before I found out almost everyone would say, ‘Yes, we do mind, so please go away.’ Perhaps I was the only one stupid enough to ask. The only option left was to look for a table that was unoccupied.

That way, everyone would be happy.

It took me a few minutes to find an empty table and even so, it was a god-awful mess which was why nobody dared to approach it. No risks of rejection then, on my own. I was grateful. I needed time to reflect on what had happened as I helped clean the table and made spaces for myself.

I looked again to the other corner – the three girls were still there, and in my place was a white boy. They didn’t seem to mind him. In fact, they were having quite a bit of fun. They were talking, joking and laughing. Every single explanation I had cared to create vanished in the sight of such merry making. It suddenly occurred to me how distasteful happy people were. The sourness was replaced by fury. They were happy to throw me out and could in the end, laugh and carry on as normal like they were good girls that deserved sweets, sweets they often asked for at the end of lessons after doing next to no work and the teacher was happy to reward them, all the while I worked and accepted no reward because I was there to learn.

I began to eat. A minute later, the presence of another red tray on my table startled me. It was put down with some force. I looked up to find three Pakistani boys in my year coming in for dinner just now. God were they late. They came from a detention perhaps? I didn’t much care. Maybe I could observe how they ask for a seat, if only to investigate how it was actually done in the UK. They’d been in this country longer than I have at any rate. Learning from the natives, it couldn’t possibly go wrong. Maybe if I got this right, I wouldn’t be rejected again. A second had passed and I waited. No sound, no question, nothing. Perhaps there was an exception to this rule? Maybe boys weren’t meant to ask another boy, or maybe I was right all along and that girl was just a freak. A one-off. I began surveying my table to see if there were enough chairs. There were five empty chairs and three boys. They didn’t even have to sit next to me. Then I heard a boy said,

‘Move.’

It wasn’t even a question, I realised later. It was a command, from a native. The three of them looked at me, waiting for something to happen. One boy looked less confident than the other two but said nothing. I stared back in disbelief. Would they laugh if I told them I couldn’t take this anymore? Would they laugh if I broke down in tears then? They were not worth it.

Not wanting to cause any more drama and attract even more attention, I sucked in a deep breath, picked up my tray, gave them a dirty look so they knew I did not appreciate it, and left to find another table. If it was the only way to avoid further conflict, someone had to give. And that person was me. It almost felt heroic. So kind-hearted and virtuous of you. The boy who gave the command leaned over to the other boy who was before less confident and now completely amazed, telling him, as though giving an explanation for future references or as a footnote,

‘He’s stupid.’

I caught every word. And they sank deep into my heart. Stupid? Under what observation, what proof, did he arrive to this so-called truth? What evidence did he have to place my intellectual capacity below his? To him, I was stupid because I did not have the language to speak up for myself, and dumb because I was doing them a favour. I’ll show you who’s dumb. In five years, I’ll show you who is the stupid one. I’ll show you, on exam results day, how very stupid I can make you all seem. I’ll show you…

‘I’m sorry, Dan,’ David said, frowning and staring into space as though something had truly touched him. ‘I didn’t realise…it makes me angry just to think about it.’

I smiled sadly. ‘It was a long time ago.’

Even as I said it, the words themselves almost seemed true. It was five years ago. I was a different person because of it. But why was David angry about things that never even happened to him? Was that even possible?

‘Did you tell someone? Your parents?’

‘They have their share of problems. So no, they didn’t need to hear mine. I doubt they could help anyway.’

‘You could have told someone.’ He sighed. ‘Damn, was there really no one? You have friends back home, don’t you?’

‘…Yes.’

‘Do you speak to them?’

I looked away. ‘No.’

He thought for a moment. ‘And what happened after? Did you show them, eventually?’

‘I changed school a year later, and went to the one Jenna and Chris used to go. Never had friends there either. I didn’t have it in me to speak to anyone anymore,’ I explained. ‘And yes, I did show them. I got A stars across the board.’

‘That’s really good, Dan.’

‘Right, yes. Well done.’ I grimaced. ‘I opened the envelope alone, read it alone, and left the school alone because everyone knew this was what I’d get, without needing to ask. And because frankly, no one wanted to know. No one cared.’

‘Well, I’d care. I mean,’ David said, ‘I haven’t known you for all that long but…I feel like I know you already. I just think there’s a lot more to you than meets the eye.’

I resisted the urge to tell him he knew nothing about me. He didn’t even know my real name for a start. He didn’t know what I used to be, or who I used to be. But I was still moved by the honesty of his words. It felt genuine and from the heart. I was invited today because he liked what he saw in me, or at least, as far as I allowed him to see.

‘Thanks David. I really don’t know what to say.’

‘Then don’t say anything.’ David smiled, patting me on the back. ‘Look, we’d better find those two. They’re gonna think I took you to some dodgy place and did God-knows-what with you.’ He smirked, jumping to his feet.

He gave Jenna a ring to find their whereabouts before we headed over. I was still light-headed from telling a story I had tried very hard to forget. We didn’t speak on the whole way back. After a while, we successfully tracked them to the first floor in Debenhams.

‘What did you buy?’ asked David, pointing at Jenna’s shopping bag.

‘A scarf,’ she told him. ‘Anyway, Chris has great tastes! I’m never shopping again without this guy. He showed me this bikini, right? And –’

‘Wow. What’s that like?’ David mused.

‘You know, red, with black laces.’

David said, licking his lips, ‘It suits you.’

‘No…’ She blushed. Like a flash of lightning, a horrible idea crossed my mind and it repulsed me. They might be having sex. Already. The sourness I thought I had banished came flooding back and I wanted to turn away and throw up. As I turned I found Chris watching me with interest.

‘I got work in a few hours, so…’ David began. ‘You guys wanna stay?’

‘Nah, I need to head back too,’ Chris said.

‘Actually…Chris, can I talk to you?’ I asked.

‘Sure.’ He winked.

‘Alright then, see ya,’ David said. Then to Jenna, ‘Come on.’

He put his arms round her shoulder, shaking her lightly as though cheering her up. He squeezed her against his side and whispered something in her ear, causing her to laugh. As they walked away with their backs towards me I saw him kiss her on the lips. I watched them like my own life was slipping away, forever out of reach. I sniffed and turned away.

‘What?’ Chris asked me.

‘I was just thinking…’ Unable to proceed.

‘Go on.’

‘What if your friends turn on you when they find out you’re gay?’

He frowned. ‘That depends on the person. In your case, I doubt your friends would mind. For a start, they don’t seem to mind me.’

‘But how would you know they won’t freak out about me?’

‘How will you know if you don’t tell them?’

I thought for a second. ‘I won’t, but I’ve just started to have friends – for once – and I don’t feel like losing them just yet.’

‘Well,’ he remarked, ‘I know I won’t freak out if you tell me. If that’s any help?’

‘Hey, I’m being serious! What if they don’t like me anymore?’

‘Then they don’t deserve to be your friends.’ He shrugged. ‘Dan, if they don’t accept you, it’s their problem.’

It’s not their problem if I am the only one feeling punished, I thought.

At my silence he sighed. ‘Come out when you’re ready. Look on the upside: if you tell them, they might even find you a boyfriend. That’s an incentive.’

My cheeks burned. A boyfriend? Really?

‘It’s up to you. Do you want to? Your friends can’t help you unless you tell them what you need. They can find you a guy, or they can set you up with Sarah. Your choice.’

‘Oh God, you know about that?’ I glared at him.

‘Yeah.’ He chuckled.

I sighed, taking a few seconds to think it through.

Chris stared at me for a moment before saying, ‘Dan, are you sure you’re ready?’

‘I’m going to do it,’ I replied, with conviction. ‘I’ll tell David at least. Like you said, it might work out in the long run.’

He nodded and looked away. Subject well-concluded. Whatever he was going to say, he must have kept it to himself.

* * * * *

It made no particular sense that it had to be today. Why now? Why not tomorrow? Next week? Next year? Sure, coming out is one of those things in life that I must endure – like being trapped on a bus full of unwashed men or being told I’m a disgusting individual with disgusting hopes and dreams. Even if I hadn’t promised myself last night (and promises made to myself can be broken anyway), the fact was, David didn’t need to know. We weren’t going to be friends forever and in a few years he would have forgotten who I was and telling him I’m gay isn’t going to change that. It might even be easier to carry on as normal – I wasn’t desperately unhappy.

But how could he help me if he didn’t know about me?

Chris was right: how could someone help me if I didn’t tell them my needs? For example: maybe David really liked me in secret and was dying for me to tell him I was available and felt the same way. Once I did, he’d break up with Jenna and he’d make up for everything he’d done by marrying me, next year, preferably in spring.

I rubbed my sweaty palms on my trousers, heart pounding as David came towards Chris and me in the school canteen. I was rather envious of him: he put down his tray, completely confident that we wouldn’t stand up, shout at him and tell him to go away. I was almost interested to see his reactions if we did.

‘Hey guys.’ He smiled, unaware of the terrible news I was about to break.

‘Hey,’ Chris said, barely looking up.

‘Jeez, that’s a lot of food, Dan,’ David remarked.

No, it’s not even half of what I can eat right now. But I explained, ‘This is not just food…this is protein. More energy efficient and without the sugar rush from carbs.’

‘You must love school food then,’ David said.

‘It’s crap,’ Chris told me. Then to David, ‘Isn’t it?’

David shrugged. ‘I think it’s alright.’

‘The sandwiches are alright but the hot food, grrr.’ Chris shook his head. ‘They’re not even edible.’

‘I love the rice pudding. Never had anything of the sort,’ I said, stuffing a spoonful in my mouth.

Chris rolled his eyes. ‘Especially the rice pudding.’

We could never agree on food. Chris returned to his sandwich without a word, and David who sat on my opposite seemed just as confused as me. He must have caught me staring at his lovely face for he smiled back. Before he began to eat, I stopped him.

‘David, I need to tell you something.’

Sensing where this was going, Chris put down his sandwich, his ears pricked up attentively as though ready for an amusing show.

‘Okay.’ David sat back, puzzled.

‘I…’ The words choked in my throat. My eyes moved to the figure power-walking in this direction.

‘Hey guys!’ Jenna said. With a banana in one hand and yoghurt in another, she took the seat next to David, kissing him on the cheek.

‘Dan was telling me something,’ he said to her, smiling.

She turned to me. ‘Sorry Dan. What were you gonna say?’

I simply stared at her. What, was she interrogating me now? Was I about to tell her that I hated her, since she stole David from me? Well, maybe not, but the fact was, we weren’t close and I had never wanted to tell her about that part of myself. Still, they all just sat there patiently, waiting for me to speak. I was surprised I wasn’t cut off already.

‘Basically…’

Would it be rude now to tell Jenna that it was rather private and only David’s allowed to know? That might be too offensive.

‘Forget it.’ I shook my head.

‘Oh come on,’ David complained. ‘Tell us.’

His words always had this magical hold over me, impossible to resist. It was like he wanted to know – like it even mattered. Beside me, Chris was looking completely entertained. I certainly can’t give him the satisfaction that all my bravado and heroic struggle had culminated in failure.

‘Alright.’

I was going to make the vow any moment now. There would be no way back. They would turn their backs on me. I shut my eyes, bracing myself against the inevitable. To hell with this.

‘I’m gay.’

A pause. No sound. Well, there were sounds from other tables, but not on ours. I opened my eyes a little. No one moved, no one said a word. They just stared at me like I was an evil Chihuahua. Any moment now they would leap off their seats and run away in fear, never wanting to be near me again.

Then David cocked his head to his left, and back. ‘Okay,’ he said blandly. So what’s your point? His eyes seemed to say. That was my point, David…

‘That was all I wanted to say.’

‘Well, I’m gay, so…welcome to the club.’ Chris shrugged, grinning.

‘Aww!’ Jenna jumped to her feet, walking around the table. I recoiled in fear that she would come and slap me on the cheek, hard. Instead, she leaned towards me (I was still on my chair) and hugged me gently.

It was the friendly gesture, I found, rather than the physical contact with a girl that I savoured in that moment. She barely knew me yet she welcomed me with open arms. Didn’t it occur to her that I might steal her David? It’s kind of my job you know, stealing boyfriends. Chris, being next to me, hugged me too. My eyes were completely overwhelmed with water. I was surrounded by blurred silhouettes and reassuring voices. Not now, Dan, not now. Finally, David leapt to his feet and said, ‘What the hell. Might as well give you a hug too.’

Wait…I get to come out and hug David as well? I mean, he’d never hugged me before. It didn’t make sense, but…

But I accepted his hug like everyone else. Except, unlike everyone else, I actually hugged back. There was an awkward moment when I seemed to let go half a second later than him. I didn’t get a frown or a telling off, nor did David seem to notice anything as he walked back to his seat, satisfied with himself. I hope I didn’t cross the line.

‘Thanks guys, this really means a lot.’ I managed a smile.

‘No problem.’ Chris winked at me.

‘I wouldn’t have guessed,’ David said. He looked pleasantly surprised.

‘I love gay guys!’ Jenna yelled in delight.

I raised an eyebrow. She’s so disturbing.

‘I don’t really care myself,’ David said. ‘But I knew you were different. I guess we learn something about you every day.’

‘Who do you fancy?’ Jenna grinned at me.

It was on the tip of my tongue. This was too close. I blinked, twice. ‘I’d rather not say.’

‘Give us a clue,’ David added.

‘No,’ I insisted. They weren’t getting that out of me. Ever.

‘Aww, he’s shy,’ Jenna remarked, before looking at David briefly for support.

‘Well, I know he’s got his eye on someone.’ Chris grinned, giving me a nudge with his elbow.

‘Look…can we eat now? I’m starving here,’ I grumbled. ‘Drop it already.’

‘You’ll tell us eventually, I’m sure,’ Chris said, nodding repeatedly as though that would make it at all possible.

‘So…’ David turned to me, seeming really interested just as I was sipping my glass of water. ‘When are you two gonna bonk each other?’

I almost choked right there. I coughed water for a few seconds. Bonk? My eyes widened and I felt my body recoiling from the suggestion. He gave a cute little laugh. I was certain he did that on purpose.

Jenna dropped her mouth open, looking at David. ‘What is it with boys and bonking?’ she asked incredulously.

‘We like it, I suppose.’ David shrugged.

‘Umm,’ I interrupted, before the topic turned hairy. ‘We don’t like each other in that way.’ I turned to Chris for support, or at least mutual agreement, half hoping he would reinforce the idea and let the subject die. But he just stared back at me with a scowl as though deeply offended.

‘Wow thanks, Dan,’ he said, feigning annoyance. ‘I find that very, very flattering.’

em>Pupils were queuing for the little grey tickets.
To be eligible for Free School Meal, the pupil's parents or carers must be receiving particular qualifying benefits from the government.
 
If it was the only way to avoid further conflict, someone had to give.
A slight extension from the idea found in Brotherly Love, Chapter 7.
 
This is not just food…
Allusion to the M&S advertisement, of course, for those that have seen it.
 
Thank you for sticking with Dan's Conundrum. I hope you all enjoyed Part 1.