Palouse - 26. Chapter 26

Chapter 26

Christmas and After– December 1992

Two Months Later

Stan and Greg arrived a week before Christmas to take Micah home for the holidays. Micah threw his bag in the back of the van and then said he needed to say goodbye to Casey.

“Merry Christmas,” Micah said as he returned to their room.

“Merry Christmas.”

“So when are your folks going to be here?”

“They’ll probably be here tomorrow – or the next day.”

“Then you have at least a whole day to jack off as much as you want. Enjoy yourself, and see you next year.”

“Thanks, and have a good vacation.”

* * * * *

Christmas to Micah was subdued from what he remembered or had experienced in the past. It was still fun; it was still joyous, but it was different. Micah felt like an emancipated son coming home; he felt that half-guest, half-family feeling of such a return. Things were warm and Christmas-like, but a natural distance had grown between Micah and his parents and siblings – except Greg. Micah and his mother tiptoed uneasily around their relationship, with no mention either of music or the Idanha School.

Greg provided the Endicott news. Arturo and Carlos had disappeared from town; some thought they were in jail. Others thought they had joined the military. Jason, on the basketball team, had broken his finger on the day after he had deflowered his girlfriend, and he couldn’t get over the feeling that he was being punished by God.

“What about Amelia?” Micah asked impatiently after hearing about everyone else.

There was a silence. “Amelia left town shortly after you went off to Idanha.” Greg offered no further words, looking nervous.

“And? There’s more, isn’t there?”

“Rumors are she was pregnant.”

“Oh,” was all Micah could say. She never said anything about being off the pill.

“I’m sure she went away to get an abortion, but the story is that her mother got a new job, and she moved away. Nobody knows where she went.”

“Did Dad and Mom know about this before they sent me off to school?”

“I don’t think so. But they probably weren’t surprised. I know they were pissed at your and Amelia’s relationship.”

“Greg, when did you know about this?” Micah asked with some exasperation in his tone.

“I didn’t know till school started here. Honest.”

After the news, Micah rarely left the farm. He did go off to see Greg play in a couple of holiday-tournament basketball games and stayed with his former teammates after the game to visit. When no one was at home, he took his violin out and played some of the pieces he most loved.

* * * * *

The new year came quietly, and a couple of days later, Stan, Greg and he were on their way back to Idaho. Greg had asked to go along despite Micah saying there was no need.

Micah’s resentment at their first trip to Idanha had dissipated into resignation. He could make it until June. He had even forgiven his father; he appreciated that Stan had been a buffer over the holidays between him and his mother.

They talked about the farm – the wheat prices of the previous year and the plans for the upcoming growing season. They talked of Greg’s plans after graduation from high school and his desire to go to Washington State University in Pullman. All in all, the trip into Idaho was cordial.

* * * * *

“Did you have a good vacation?” Micah asked Casey when he got to his cabin.

“It was fine.”

“How was your family?”

There was a long pause. “They never came to get me. I stayed here. I had Christmas over at the main house.”

There was something infinitely sad about Casey’s tale.

“I did get lots of jackoff time, though – with the lights on, even,” Casey said, laughing and trying to break the mood.

Micah wasn’t fooled. He walked over to Casey’s bed, leaned down and gave him a hug, as if some expression of human warmth would eliminate the hurt – his hurt, too.

“Thank you,” Casey said as tears rose in his eyes.

* * * * *

The winter passed coldly but quickly, and light began to come earlier in the morning as spring approached. Micah and Casey managed to get out to the hot springs a few times alone, and Casey never managed to get by without an erection, to Micah’s and Casey’s amusement. But Casey didn’t feel embarrassed anymore, so they were able to enjoy those moments together.

What Casey didn’t know was that Micah was finding it harder and harder to avoid having an erection himself as the year wore on. Casey began to intrude into Micah’s masturbation fantasies occasionally. Micah shrugged his shoulders and attributed these thoughts to the fact he was constantly horny, as any teenage boy would be after several months in an isolated environment among only boys. He acknowledged, though, that he began to have feelings for Casey – physical feelings – but he attributed them to hormones. Amelia hopefully was back home in Endicott, ready for him to return. But his sexual fantasies began to swing between Amelia and Casey. Fortunately, Micah thought, the end of the school year was coming rapidly, and he would soon be back to a normal life.

The river began to rise as spring began, its boulders rolling and rounding downstream pushed by the strong current, sounding like underwater thunder. The hot-springs rock barrier was soon washed away with ice-cold, high runoff water; it would be constructed anew by summer rafters using fresh boulders that had tumbled downstream over the centuries.

The snowstorms turned to rain showers, and soon the lawn began to turn from snow-covered to brown to green. On some days, the weather became pleasantly warm, and the boys moved outside onto the drying lawn to throw footballs or play pickup soccer.

“I’m scared,” Casey said one night as the two boys lay in their beds after lights out. It was the first time Casey had felt comfortable enough to bare his innermost feelings to Micah. Micah moved over to Casey’s bunk, sat on the edge and began to rub Casey’s back slowly and gently, like Greg used to do for him. “I don’t know what I’m going to do when the school year is over. I’ll go home, but I don’t know if I can keep it together.” Micah heard a sob from deep in Casey’s pillow.

“I’m gay. I know it, and I can’t change it. My prayers didn’t work,” Casey continued. “I’m a loser. I’m not what my parents want me to be.”

The last remark shook Micah. “I’m not what my parents want me to be, either, but you have to stay positive about it. You don’t know what’s going to happen. You can’t worry about it. They are your parents, and they have the long ties with you, and maybe they still feel some responsibility for you.”

“I’ll be 18 soon, and I’m afraid they’ll dump me.”

“You’ve got to keep your spirits up, Casey. My Arizona foster mother said something when I had to leave that I will always remember. She said: there are some things in life that we don’t choose; they choose us.” Micah leaned down and kissed Casey on the back of his head.

“Stay with me a while,” Casey pleaded.

Micah lay down on Casey’s narrow bed as Casey scooted toward the wall with his back to the room. Micah put his arm over Casey’s torso and snuggled up to him, careful to make sure that his rising erection didn’t give Casey the wrong idea. Casey quickly fell asleep. Micah considered returning to his own bed, but decided to stay with a troubled Casey.

* * * * *

“Thanks for staying with me the other night,” Casey said a few days later. Then, with an impish grin on his face, he continued: “I now have a new fantasy to jack off to. I imagine you in my bed, but this time we’re face to face, and, well, one thing leads to another.”

Micah turned beet red, but he was happy that Casey could josh about his feelings. “In your dreams.”

“Well, it is in my dreams.” Casey laughed.

“I didn’t mean it that way.”

“It’s in my dreams that you kiss me when you leave at the end of the school year.”

“On your cheek, fine.”

Casey looked at Micah with a mischievous grin: “No, on the lips.” Micah gazed at Casey’s full lips and grinned in return.

Exams concluded in June, and Stan, Betty and Greg arrived in the van for the small graduation ceremony on the green lawn. The new graduate was a quieter and more subdued person – a different Micah from the international celebrity of a few years earlier.

Casey and he had enjoyed a warm but awkward embrace as they realized their lives were taking different directions. “My folks’ll probably be here tomorrow,” Casey answered when Micah asked him when he was going.

“They’ll be proud of you,” Micah said, but Casey knew that the chances of him being accepted as gay by his parents were pretty remote. Despite his parents’ hopes, he hadn’t changed that much despite a year at Idanha, and he didn’t know what would happen to his life. He wanted nothing more than to collect his kiss from Micah.

“By the way, I have something for you.” Micah took out a jewelry box that Greg had picked up at a jeweler in Colfax where Micah had ordered it to be made several months earlier.

Casey opened the box. In it was a small agate attached to a silver-chain necklace. “It isn’t much,” Micah said, “but I found the stone in the river near the hot springs, and I thought it would remind you of some of the good times we had here.”

“It’s beautiful,” Casey said, kissing the stone. Micah then helped attach the necklace to Casey’s neck. “I’ll never take it off.”

Micah laughed. “It’s only a small remembrance, so if you change your mind, I won’t be hurt.” Micah looked at Casey’s face, which showed joy from the gift but anxiety from the uncertainty of his future. “If something happens, Casey, you know where I live and you can get me there, or my folks will know how to get hold of me. Okay? Promise me you’ll get in touch if you need my help.”

“Okay.” Casey didn’t know if he would contact Micah, but he didn’t see much of a future between him and his parents. He didn’t know how many months he could last at home.

Micah then leaned in and kissed Casey – on the lips, softly and gently.

Bring him peace
Bring him joy
He is young
He is only a boy

– Bring Him Home, Les Misérables