Hugh's Pain - 5. Chapter 5

Hugh took a deep breath and let it out slowly.

“Okay. Where to begin?”

A hoarse, raspy voice answered the question.

“Beginning.”

Hugh got up and went to the cooler after hearing the dry, crackle of Jonathan’s answer. He knew that after all the boy had been through―between the surgery and the probability of screaming during the beating―that his throat was more than likely very raw.

The cooler contained bottles of water and apple juice, along with an automatic ice maker with a crushed ice option. Once he’d filled a cup with ice, he lingered for a couple seconds, wondering if he should give Jonathan some juice. His thoughts were answered when Pat walked through the doorway and he received a nod when holding up one of the bottles.

“Only a little, though. We need to see if his stomach will handle it.”

Hugh waited as Pat checked his patient’s vitals and injuries before reseating himself.

“Ice or apple juice,” he asked Jonathan.

He watched as Jonathan’s tongue slipped out of his mouth and tried to moisten dry lips.

“Let’s try the apple juice, shall we?”

Pat handed Hugh a flex straw and Hugh put it in the bottle of juice, never taking his eyes off the young man lying in the bed. He watched the one green eye as it followed his movements. After Jonathan had taken a few sips of the juice, grimacing at each swallow, Hugh set the bottle aside and spooned a bit of the crushed ice into his mouth.

“Let it melt on its own,” he said as he gently ran a damp cloth over Jonathan’s brow and cheeks. “You know, you look a lot like him. I didn’t want to believe Pat when he told me. But, you really do.”

Hugh scooped out a bit more ice and placed it at Jonathan’s mouth. He waited as the ice melted a bit before Jonathan parted his lips and let the slush slip onto his tongue. At the same time, Hugh watched Jonathan’s face. He saw the struggle it took to try and keep alert as time and again Jonathan’s eyelid closed and remained that way longer before snapping up. Jonathan wanted to stay awake, to hear what Hugh needed to say. But it would be a losing battle.

“Jonathan, I knew Jason from the time we were little kids. I don’t remember a time when I didn’t know him. He was my best friend for most of his life and I want to talk to you about him. I want you to know what a great guy he was, but right now, you’re not ready for anything else but getting better.” Hugh combed sweat damp bangs back from Jonathan’s forehead then wiped the oily skin of his face with a cool cloth. “Sleep now; and I promise you that when you are stronger we’ll talk about everything.”

Jonathan stared into Hugh’s eyes with an intensity that Hugh knew had to be taking a lot of his strength.

“Everything?” he rasped.

After taking a deep breath and closing his eyes, Hugh nodded. His eyes opened and with as much determination he could muster, he said, “Everything.”

Jonathan kept Hugh’s gaze for a few minutes longer before succumbing to the sleep that his body required.

Hugh looked up from Jonathan to Pat who stood at the end of the bed. Pat’s face was blank as he looked down at his patient, but Hugh knew from experience that the mind behind the face was anything but. He’d never told Pat everything that had happened the day Jason had been taken from them. He’d never spoken about the time between then and the day his own father had tried to end his life. Bits and pieces had slipped out, but never the complete story. Pat had never asked and Hugh had never told. Pat had stepped up and been the strength that Hugh had needed to survive through each day without question―without any reserve―and Hugh felt guilt rising in his chest.

Hugh cleared his throat and got Pat’s attention.

“I’m going to wait until you think he’s strong enough to hear everything.”

Pat nodded, still giving no indication of feeling. Hugh looked back at Jonathan for a moment, then stood and went to his brother’s side. He faced the opposite direction with his back to the bed and stared at the wall.

“I want to thank you for all you’ve done, Pat. I know I haven’t been the easiest person to be around.”

“Hugh,” Pat said gently.

“No, Pat. I know you’ve been frustrated with me. I know that you and Jessy have held back and done everything possible to keep me sane. And I know that you guys do it because you love me. I just want you to know that I love you guys too.” Hugh turned his head and looked at his brother. “You work so hard for your family and you’ve done such a great job with Toby. And even after everything, you’re so good to me.”

Pat rested a hand on Hugh’s shoulder. “Stop, Hugh. Don’t do this to yourself.”

Hugh heard himself chuckle before his breath hitched in his chest. “Nah, it isn’t bad this time, Pat. I think, maybe, the light is coming back in. I think that soon it’ll be time to let go.” Hugh turned to the door leading out of the room and started walking. “I need to go somewhere for a day or two. But when I come back, and when he’s ready, I want you and Jess to hear it with him.”

He left before Pat could answer. Hugh had somewhere he needed to go, and he wanted to get there before the sun rose.

***

Hugh pulled over on the hill at the outskirts of town. His breathing had become labored the closer he’d driven and he needed to stop in order to collect himself. He closed his eyes and concentrated on slowing the rapid beating of his heart. Breathe in, hold, release slowly. Hugh repeated the mantra in his mind as he gripped the steering wheel with his eyes closed. Once he felt back in control, he opened his eyes and looked down at the place where he’d lived during his younger years. After taking some time to collect his thoughts, Hugh started the drive that would take him through the center of town and to the place of his nightmares.

As the sun rose, the sleepy town started to wake. The first business to open was the corner deli and coffee shop. Hugh knew it well. He and Jason had spent many happy hours there, both before and after their soccer games, baseball games, and just general fun together days.

It was also the place that Hugh had made his first mistake.

Hugh felt the tear just as it began to trail its way down his cheek. He took a deep, hitching breath and pulled his attention away from the deli. Later, he would walk back there and face himself. For now, he needed to get to the house and park the rig.

The closer he got to his childhood home, the harder it became for Hugh to keep the darkness from entering his mind. Several times, he pulled to the side of the street to bring his breathing and heart rate back into check. He tried to compartmentalize his thoughts, feelings, and memories, but everything seemed so heavy and dark. His saving grace was when Jonathan’s bruised and battered face came into his mind. That one green eye, and the look of trust he’d seen just before it had closed the last time. He would get through this so that he could help Jonathan get through his own battles. This was Hugh’s chance to get it right, to take his past mistakes and use them as tools for the better in his future. He just had to get through the dark and let in the light.

Hugh didn’t look at the house when he drove onto the property. He kept his gaze pointed to the place he’d chosen to set up the rig. Though he knew he’d have to at some point in the next couple days, he’d decided that he would go into town and walk the places he and Jason had frequented the most first.

When he walked onto the field, a baseball game was in session. Hugh guessed the kids playing were probably in their mid-teens. He watched them for a while, remembering what it was like back when he and Jason had played. Hugh had played second base and Jason, shortstop. He remembered thinking about Jason’s energy as he had moved just in Hugh’s periphery. The boy had been quick and light on his feet, with an arm that never seemed to tire of firing off balls to tag out the opposite team members. He’d been irreplaceable for their team all through high school. Hugh, on the other hand, had been good but not the best. His strengths were in other areas, but the fun of the game and seeing Jason sparkle kept him doing his best on the field.

As Hugh stood and watched the boys play, one day stood out in his memory.

Hugh thought Jason was a little off that day. He’d been subdued and often seemed as though his train of thought was elsewhere. He’d returned home from one of the trips his family took west just the day before and Hugh wondered if maybe he’d found someone while on vacation and was missing them.

“Hey, bud, you okay today? You seem a million miles away.”

Jason gave him a slight smile and nodded. “Yeah, I’m good.” He stopped walking and looked up into the sky for a minute before focusing in on Hugh. “I need to tell you something after the game.”

“Sure, Jase, what’s going on?”

Jason shook his head. “Not right now, okay? I need to gather my thoughts together and get some advice.”

The look in Jason’s eyes had concerned Hugh. In their past there had been very few times that Jason had looked frightened, but fear was present then.

During the game Hugh noticed that Jason was not as focused as was normal. He still played very well, but there was an edge to his step that Hugh had never seen before. He seemed skittish, and there were a several times when he would snap his head around to look behind him. A few of those, Hugh casually glanced back but there was nothing but the outfielders.

After the game, Hugh and Jason began their customary walk through town to the small diner they like to frequent for lunch. Hugh tried again to get Jason to talk, but as he did before the game, Jason shook his head. “After lunch, Hugh. Please. This is important and I want to get it right.”

“Okay, Jase. But you better tell me what’s going on.”

“I will.”

Hugh heard Jason sigh and watched his best friend intently when he heard a whispered, “Please, don’t hate me.”