Dan's Conundrum - 14. Chapter 14

‘Hello?’

She was loud and clear on the phone. But I didn’t know what to say. Not after everything.

‘Hello?’ And again, this time with impatience. Yep, definitely her.

She was about to hang up when I managed to say, weakly, ‘Hi.’

‘Who’s this?’ she asked suspiciously. She probably thought me a salesman.

‘Uh…might you by chance remember someone called Ng Tse-Ho from primary school? You wrote a blue farewell card along with the entire class when he left for the UK and he never got in touch since?’

Pause.

‘Oh God. It’s you!’

Whether it were excitement or disgust, I could not tell. But she didn’t hang up on the spot.

‘Yes, Yi-Ting, it’s me,’ I said, managing a helpless smile at myself. Here I am, I thought.

‘It’s been years! Why didn’t you get in touch? What happened over there? It’s been so long. Oh my God. We have to meet up. How about next week?’

‘Umm…you see, I can’t really do next week. I’m going back in a few days.’

‘So soon? Why? When did you come back?’

‘A few weeks ago, but…’

Another pause.

‘Well, why didn’t you call me earlier?’ she asked, annoyed.

‘Uh…I wasn’t sure if you changed numbers…and we were busy seeing people and all…’ None of them were valid excuses, and she knew. She always had a way of seeing right through me.

‘Yeah, right, whatever,’ she said. ‘I am actually revising for an exam, but I’ll get Man-Hong in a minute. You will come to the central plaza now, and don’t say you’re busy.’

‘Wow, you still see him around?’

‘No, not really. We haven’t met up in years,’ she replied. ‘But fortunately he does check his e-mails every five minutes. He’ll want to know that you’re back.’

‘Alright. See you soon.’

‘You’d better be there,’ she muttered.

Like I would dare to bail on her again…

The central plaza was a different place now. Old stores in memories were replaced by the new and I knew not what they sell, and they sometimes had names in simplified Chinese – text-speak in my opinion. Not pretty to look at. But then some things never change. On the light-rail (trams, as they call them in the UK) I saw a mother instructing her five-year-old son, not so quietly, to grab a seat for himself, and Mummy. The little boy ran obediently ahead of the crowd, threw himself on a seat and then putting a hand on another before anyone else had a chance. Life was still a competition for these people.

When I reached the plaza I found a comfortable place to sit. I waited, not sure for how long. I was afraid we couldn’t recognise each other and be on our way, thinking we all bailed on each other like we sometimes did in the past – me, usually. But then, given our childhood bonds, we might find each other one way or another. God, that was stupid. There was no such thing as a childhood bond…

Before me, a girl stood looking quizzical. I was being examined. She was tall (not as tall as me), and she had long hair and thick, black glasses. She was no not the schoolgirl I remembered. She was mature, educated and seemed incredibly intelligent. What sort of person has she become now, I wonder?

‘Hey,’ I said.

‘Hi.’ She looked at me, as though lost for words. ‘You’ve grown.’

It was a general remark, and perhaps like me, she too was lost for words. ‘So have you.’ I smiled. ‘Uh… Is Man-Hong coming?’

‘Yeah, he’s on his way.’

Pause. Neither of us knew much about the other now. What to say to rekindle the conversation? No subject came to mind apart from mundane stranger-topics like weather and public transports – both lame and had no meaning aside from affirming that there was no real topic to begin with. Maybe meeting up was a bad idea after all and Dad was ultimately responsible. What if they discovered I was no longer the same person that they were once friends with? How to even begin describing my experiences in a different country? Impossible.

‘I’m glad you came back,’ she said suddenly.

I shrugged, smiling sadly. ‘Well, I have to come back some time.’

‘After so many years, we thought you were gone forever.’

‘This is still my home…’ I trailed off, unable to proceed.

‘Hey!’ came a voice behind me. ‘The gang’s back together!’

‘Gang?’ Yi-Ting frowned. ‘I was never in the gang.’

I smiled. ‘You were so in the gang.’

‘No way,’ she protested. ‘More like the innocent witness who saw no crime in the daylight.’

‘Oh yes that’s right,’ I said, turning to find Man-Hong grinning at me. He was my height, wearing contacts and had bags of well-defined muscles. How often does he work out anyway? Back in those days he was a frail, timid boy. Now he was… well, if David never existed I might have drooled on him.

‘Hey boss,’ he greeted.

I squealed. ‘I’m not the boss anymore.’

‘You’re always the boss of this little gang,’ he told me. ‘You got a plan, you give the orders and we take out the prefect.’

‘Oh yeah,’ I chuckled. ‘We did get him fired, didn’t we? Not that he didn’t have it coming. He was a horrible prefect that shouldn’t even be allowed to become one in the first place.’

Man-Hong turned to me. ‘How long has it been? Six years?’

‘Something like that.’

He widened his eyes. ‘Wow. Ages since we hung out together. We need to catch up.’

Yes, I thought. That’s why I’m worried.

‘Let’s go to McDonald’s,’ Man-Hong said. Then to me, grinning, ‘That’s still your number one?’

I was astonished. ‘How did you remember?’

‘Well, it is your favourite,’ he replied, smiling.

‘It was, but I’d love to go to it.’

This change was recent history: ever since a month ago when David whipped up a godly spaghetti dish for me and Chris in his uncle’s restaurant, I decided I would crave McDonald’s no more. I would be his slave if I could get David to cook for me every day. I didn’t tell him that of course.

Then I searched my mind for Yi-Ting’s and Man-Hong’s favourites and found I couldn’t remember any. Nothing came to mind. I guess when I left Hong Kong I forgot about those too. But they never forgot mine.

Man-Hong even remembered where we used to sit as children, in that tiny corner at the back, though I was sure the restaurant had undergone numerous renovations over the years and the seats were different. Still, everything shrank with time. It was strange because last time we were here, we were children on the brink of adolescence. Now here we were, all grown up, all strangers.

I learned they were both studying now in form six, same as me but except they had three times more work with all the exams cramped in June. Every module in one big paper. I was glad revision at least was still a choice for me.

We ordered some food before we were treated as non-customers and kicked out. We sat down again. This was my only chance to confess.

‘Thanks guys,’ I said to them. ‘This means a lot to me. I’m sorry I didn’t get in touch sooner.’

‘Why?’ Man-Hong frowned.

I sighed, looking between them. Perhaps they would understand. ‘Maybe…maybe I was scared.’

He was surprised. ‘Scared?’

‘I didn’t know how to act around you guys anymore. It felt like another life, you know?’

Their look was solemn. I saw them nod silently. It wasn’t just me who felt it. They all felt the same.

‘And what else?’ Yi-Ting asked. She joked, ‘You usually have more than one explanation or excuse for everything.’

‘Yes…uh, I have something to tell you,’ I said.

They looked me in the eyes and I sighed again, wishing things were different. I could just stop talking, you know? But then everything I had been through since the start of term came flooding back into my mind: David, Chris, Jenna. I was a different person there. I was free, I was loved. How my fortunes had changed when I told them everything. I could still be the same person here too if only I let them know about that part of myself. I wouldn’t need to hide here anymore.

‘I found out I’m gay. Weird, huh?’

They simply stared at me.

‘Well…’ Yi-Ting began.

‘And I’m bi. What’s weird about that?’ Man-Hong asked, grinning.

It was my turn to stare at him.

‘What? You’re bi?’

He smiled. ‘What have I done? Why are you so surprised?’

Images flashed in my mind of an alternate life had I not left Hong Kong six years ago. I would never have had to be shooed like a stray dog at lunchtime in school, never have had to see that man in that cubicle, never have had to leave my family and friends. Man-Hong and I would go to the same college and one day we might come out to each other. We might have been in a relationship by now. God knew what else there could be. Good things, happy things, perhaps. And at that precise point I stopped all thoughts and imaginations – didn’t want to think anymore because it hurt to think what I could have had. Happiness was right where I left it.

‘Really?’

‘Yes, really.’

‘You don’t look bi,’ I said. ‘You look straight!’

‘Oh dear,’ Man-Hong laughed nervously.

‘That’s a compliment,’ I smiled.

‘Thanks. I guess we’re undetectable.’ Man-Hong grinned. ‘You don’t look so bad yourself. And fix that hair.’

Ouch. About that…

Yi-Ting turned to me, suddenly curious. ‘You got a boyfriend yet?’

‘Me? No.’

‘Damn. I’d love to meet a white guy,’ Man-Hong said. ‘They’re so cute!’

‘They are, but I don’t think they dig us…’ Then I remembered that man from the dating site, the one who tried to rape me online and asked me persistently for my size. ‘Well, one or two maybe, but kinda hard to find.’

‘Boyfriends. At least we all want the same thing,’ Yi-Ting laughed.

My lips curled. ‘Maybe I’ll find someone for you.’

‘What about me?’ Man-Hong scowled.

‘You too.’ Before I could understand they started giving me hair and eye colour preferences, as well as other details like height and weight. And they were talking at the same time. I felt like writing a shopping list, except I was shopping for boys.

‘Okay, no promises,’ I said, smiling like a devil.

* * * * *

As suddenly as my time here began, it was gone. All three weeks of it, gone. On the last few days I revisited the Ocean Park and saw the dolphin show, remembering how I used to love it all and wanted to become a dolphin trainer. But then, I also remembered wanting to be a light-rail driver at one point and it made sense now that my parents made no comment at the time on either ambitions.

Now, standing in winter clothes like a giant penguin at the airport, just outside Departures, I thought about the last time I stood here many years ago. I so wanted to start a new life and I happily forgot what I already had. When I left that day I also left the better parts of my life behind. I had a loving family, grandparents and friends who cared. Happiness was exactly where I left it, if only…

‘Come back soon, yeah?’ my cousin Ka-Fie said to me, catching me off-guard. ‘You still haven’t given me those English lessons.’

‘I’m hardly the person to give it.’ I smiled.

‘Well you still have to come back. You will come back, right?’

‘One day, maybe.’

Having overheard my response, Mum must be overjoyed. She asked me, ‘Would you like to give Grandma a hug?’

Grandma was talking with Dad. Was that tears in her eyes? In the last few days her knees were so bad that we thought she wouldn’t be able to see us off, but here she was – an old, tired woman who missed her son, who wasn’t even sure if she would still be alive to see him again. That was why, despite however painful it was for her, she must come and see us off today.

I ran to her. I didn’t care if I ruined the moment. Catching her by surprise, I held her in my arms and said to her, ‘I love you.’

In English of course. She wouldn’t understand that. But I meant every word.

‘I’ll miss you too,’ she said, smiling at me.

Really? Maybe she didn’t hate me. She needed me, just like she needed the rest of her family.

I wouldn’t let her go. She comforted, ‘Work hard, get a good degree and come back.’

Standing on the side, looking quite amused were Man-Hong and Yi-Ting. Despite ridiculously busy in their separate lives they still found time for me in such short notice to see me off.

I went to them, hugging them each in turn.

‘Next time, call us as soon as you landed, yeah?’ Yi-Ting asked.

‘And keep those e-mails coming,’ Man-Hong added.

‘I promise.’ I smiled. ‘I will –’

‘I want to see you return with a boyfriend next time.’ Man-Hong grinned.

‘Not so loud!’ I whispered. ‘Also, don’t mention the B word!’

‘I jest.’ He chuckled.

‘You’ll find him,’ Yi-Ting assured.

I didn’t reply. What else could she have said, that I would never find anyone and I would die alone? But still, I appreciated the friendly gesture. She wanted me to be happy.

As my family and I departed under the misty eyes of relatives and friends, all waving behind us, it was hard to imagine why at first I dreaded coming back. I still belonged here, like a green valley I could always return to, a warm home in the bitter winter. I may be leaving all that behind me now but, last time, I didn’t even know what I had.

Now I do. And I’m saying goodbye to it.

Then came a surprising phone call from my uncle who couldn’t see us off today. Dad answered the phone, putting it on speaker mode for us all to hear.

‘Hope you’ll all come back soon. Grans would be really happy. Did you leave anything behind? Good. God bless. Have a safe journey. I will pray for Tse-Ho. Hope he comes back to God.’

‘I hope so too.’ Dad chuckled.

At his remark Mum turned to me, looking meaningful.

I did not meet her eyes.