Beneath The Surface - 1. Chapter 1

Same old thing, day after day. Same old face, same old body, same old schedule, same old squeaky voice. I know they said that puberty makes you a little self conscious and critical, but this was downright ridiculous. This was not just in my mind, this was not a daydream brought to you by the 'Dream Factory of Jon' (that's me). I was ugly, pure and simple. Nobody is going to fool me into thinking anything different. I was willing to live with it, I was willing to just get by on charm alone, and if people couldn't look past my flaws, then the hell with them. I mean, I didn't turn the girls' heads the way my other friends did. Hell, even little Mikey got a girlfriend before me, and he's 2 years younger than me. At 13 years old, I should be past the stage of having my mother tell me I'm beautiful, but since she was one of the only people who ever really said it, it was nice to hear once in a while. The phrase 'a face only a mother could love' comes to mind. Nobody ever called me ugly, but they had to be thinking it. I mean why didn't I get invited to the big parties, why didn't the girls giggle when I walked past them in the halls, why wasn't I the popular one with a shitload of friends following me everywhere I went? I've scanned the whole school looking for someone who might be a good match for me, a mate, a friend...hell, even having a bully beat me up for my lunch money everyday would at least get me some attention from SOMEBODY. I can't change it now, so I might as well get on with the rest of my existence, lonely an existence as it may be.

I tend to avoid the mirror in the mornings when I wash up, but every once in a while I check to see if maybe, just maybe, I'll be happy with the reflection being shot back at me. I never am. Wild, dark brown hair that seems stuck in a perpetual bad hair day, flops over my dark brown eyes. Dull eyes. Thin lips, perhaps too thin, even when I pucker them out to try to make them look bigger. A small dash of freckles sprinkled across the bridge of my nose...once summer gets here, they'll stick out like crazy. I can't really tell if I'm slim or not, probably not. Who am I fooling, I'm probably getting fat. Yep, if I pinch really hard, I can almost get a whole inch of skin on my sides. I think my nipples are crooked too. They don't look right. What kind of cruel joke is the Man upstairs playing on me to give me crooked nipples??? Sigh...maybe I'll just settle down with a nice blind girl and live happily ever after. I'll just tell her I look like Brad Renfro...not that she'll know what Brad Renfro looks like...but she'll know that it's better than me. And why am I staring in the mirror anyway today? I've gotta get to school.

I always hated 'transition week'. You know, that first week after you get that report card and a new part of the semester starts? All your classes get changed and shifted around so all the friends you've made during the whole period are in different classes. I think the faculty does that on purpose to keep students from becoming too good a friends. Because they know if we all bonded together, we'd take over the joint! Besides, the first week after report cards are dished out, most of my friends are grounded or doing house chores after school anyway, so I could just go home and wallow in my ugliness for a while and gather up enough strength to come back to school the next day. So there I was just sitting in some dumb science class, hoping to see a familiar face walk through the door, and soon realized that whoever that might have been, they weren't coming. What's worse, it seemed like everybody else knew each other already. This was obviously not going to be my best class.

Just before the bell rang, one last kid walked into the room. Someone I had never seen before in my life, one of those pretty boys from up north no doubt. One of those suburban kids where everybody has a white picket fence, a full wardrobe of name brand clothes, and a two car garage with a basketball hoop on the outside. One of those kids who gets together with his family on Christmas to roast chestnuts over burning hundred dollar bills. I could feel my stomach turn as the entire class got quiet and every eye turned to watch him walk in. Girls, guys, everybody. It was sickening. The guy was absolutely flawless. The most beautiful liquid golden blond hair ever created, hanging down to his jaw. Smooth creamy skin that looked like a warm puddle of milk, he just had to be easy to bruise, he looked so damn delicate. He had these slightly slanted ocean blue eyes that could easily invade your thoughts with their gaze, and lips that were so perfect that they competed with his eyes for attention. Slender hips with sensual curves in all the right places, broad shoulders, flat stomach...God....I hated him already. So naturally, and I could hear fate laughing hysterically at me when it happened, he comes and sits in the seat right next to me! So now we're sharing a table too? Beauty and the beast. Great, just great. And let me guess, he's the friendly type too right?

"Hey...what's up?" He says. I KNEW it. Sigh...alright, it looks like he's about to become the most popular kid in school the way people are staring at him, so it's best for me to get on his good side. The last thing I want is the future student council president ordering the football team to kick my ass.

"Hey yourself." I said, and looked back towards the front of the room. That was polite enough, wasn't it? He didn't say much more, he just started digging around in his bag and kept quiet for the rest of the class. I guess I could have been a little nicer, it's not his fault he looks like some kind of teen supermodel. But there was just this 'certain something' inside of me that always hated boys like that. Maybe it was just jealousy. I mean, with his looks, it seemed like the whole world was in the palm of his hands already. He could have all the pretty girls he wanted. He'd probably lose his virginity by the end of the year, if he hasn't already. Probably to a teacher too! He would probably get a high paying job that was just GIVEN to him for being so hot, and then he'd catch the eye of his boss, male, female, whatever, and he'd get promotions and raises for little of nothing. Then he'd sleep with the boss and become vice president of the company. Sex AND a promotion...how great is that? He'd have a pretty wife, beautiful kids, money, power, fame...anything he wanted. I bet HE didn't have crooked nipples. Why do the other kids keep staring at him like that? Why couldn't he have sat down somewhere else? They're all so obvious about it too, soon they'll be asking me to pass notes! Arrrgh! What a life!

As soon as class was over, a few of the guys in the room walked over to introduce themselves. Well, looks like he gets instant friends too, another thing to hate about him. And they whisked him away, but not before he said goodbye. "See you tomorrow?" He said.

"Whatever, I kind of have to be here, you know." I replied.

He stuck out his hand and gave me this little grin, "What's you're name again?"

"I never gave it to you." I said. He looked a little hurt by that and his eyes dropped a bit. I figured that it WAS being kinda rude. I mean I was going to have to make some friends in here eventually, so I might as well start off right. "Jon, my name is Jon." I said, shaking his hand unenthusiastically. He smiled and seemed a little relieved about the whole thing. I guess he figured me to be one of those people who fall all over themselves for him because of his looks. Not me. I'll be damned if I become somebody's puppet in the 8th grade. I'll save that for marriage.

"Cool. My name's Oren. I'll see you tomorrow." Then he grabbed his stuff and walked out. Well HE seemed awfully proud of himself all of the sudden, didn't he? Probably wanted to get control over everybody and figured he had just corrupted the one pawn in school who wouldn't crack. I watched him as he walked out of the classroom, happy, almost skipping. His perfect hair, his perfect teeth, his perfect body, his perfect ass, his perfect voice, his perfect height/weight proportionate slim teenage frame...geez was this kid built in a lab or what? Not only did I watch him, but I watched 'other people' watch him. What I wouldn't give to know what it's like for just one day. To be that sexy and not know it, to be that gorgeous, to be that soft and delicate and...what the HELL am I thinking? Okay, time to go home and break out the Playboys before I mess around and turn queer.

Well, the first week went on and on, day after day, and Oren tried repeatedly to be my best friend. I just didn't get it, it got to the point where he would pass up other people to talk to me. One time I passed him in the hallway, and this hot girl was talking to him and he stopped her in mid sentence just to say hello. What-ever. During the second week he was even worse. He would come in, and during class he would just babble on and on about his day and his family and his dog and his dentist and vacations he took when he was ten and all sorts of stuff. The teacher would look back and he'd pipe down until the coast was clear, and then he'd start up all over again. Out of all the kids in the whole damn school he could've talked to, he chose me. I guess that by the time the third week rolled around, I had gotten used to the whole idea that he'd never run out of things to say. After a while it didn't bother me so much though, and I actually 'listened' to what he had to ramble on about, and you know, he wasn't all that bad a guy.

I usually just sit there and tune him out, throwing in a nod or a smile to make him think I was listening, but that one day he said something funny, hilariously funny, and I laughed. REALLY laughed. So hard that it was almost impossible to hold it in. I snickered, I held my breath, I put my hands over my mouth...but the harder I tried to hold it in, the worse it got. It was just the funniest thing I had ever heard, and I had to ask to be excused to get a drink of water. Anything to could get out of that room before the teacher sent me to the office! The look on Oren's face was priceless, like he was overjoyed to have finally gotten some kind of reaction from me. I could repeat the joke for you, but you probably wouldn't get it. I came back into the room, wiping tears from my eyes and feeling the laughing pains in my stomach, and Oren smiled warmly at me. I sat down again, and he just kinda looked over at me, so pleased with getting a rise out of me for a change. He leaned forward to look at my face, and when I smiled back at him, he giggled happily and playfully gave me a shove. As far as I was concerned, there was still more to hate than to love about the blond god next to me, but it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be.

It was almost like magic the next day, when he came in I was honestly happy to see him. He sat down next to me and looked right into my eyes, searching to see if yesterday had been a fluke, but I set his mind at ease by returning the playful shove that he gave me the day before. He actually blushed and started giggling right along with me. And all through class we just looked at each other and laughed silently to ourselves. There wasn't anything funny really, but for some reason that's what was making us laugh. The fact that we were laughing for no reason GAVE us a reason to laugh. Besides, whenever we were in that class together, I got this little jittery feeling in my stomach and it tickled me so much that it kept me smiling throughout most of the day. Strange.

Soon, talking in class turned into eating lunch together, and that turned into phone conversations, and Internet chat, and I guess you could say that we did become best friends. At first I thought that maybe he was just keeping the ugly kid around to make himself look better in front of everybody else. Then I thought that maybe he just wanted to make sure that he could control me the way he does everybody else. But after the first 4 weeks of being around him, I began to realize that when we were together, there WAS no 'everybody else'. In fact, he seemed to push the other kids aside whenever he saw me coming, and it was a wonderfully warm feeling. My other friends had all abandoned me by this point, giving their hearts to their new girlfriends and devoting their every moment to them. I missed them all terribly, but Oren was more than happy to have me around, and that seemed to make everything all better.

He came over to my house for the first time and was just thrilled to be there. I thought for sure Mr. Suburbia would scoff at my little cracker box of a room, but he didn't even seem to notice. We plopped down on the bed and just talked and talked for what must have been about an hour and a half. No TV, no music, no video games, nothing. And there was never a silent moment in the room. That's when Oren suddenly said out of nowhere, "I'm so glad I met you that first day. I was worried that I wouldn't make any friends...I certainly didn't expect to make a BEST friend."

I got that tingly feeling again in my stomach, but this time it was stronger, and it was spreading. To my arms, my legs...my heart. I didn't exactly know what was going on, but I tried to stop it, to ignore it, but it wouldn't go away. In fact, it was getting even stronger by the minute, and when I looked at this vision of a boy who was perfect in every possible way, it suddenly didn't bother me so much anymore. I was speechless, and Oren noticed the pause in our conversation and looked at me nervously for a second. "Did...did I say something wrong?"

"Can I ask you a serious question Oren?"

"Sure. Go ahead."

It had been on my mind since day one, and now that were, for all intents and purposes, best buds, I figured that now was my opportunity to ask. "Why me? I mean you could've picked anybody from school to be bus with, why'd you pick me?"

He thought about it a second, giving me the strangest look. "I didn't PICK you Jon. You just seemed kinda cool to me and we just hit it off. That's all."

"But I was such an asshole to you at first. And yet you still wanted to be friends."

"Well..maybe that's why. You were 'honest'. You didn't just jump up and climb all over me the way some of those other kids do. I guess it was a nice change of pace."

I felt myself suddenly being lost in his eyes, those wonderfully blue eyes. I had to look away, but his face demanded my focus. I couldn't stop looking, it was the weirdest thing I had ever experienced. He was just so....so...confusingly beautiful to me. So perfect, so tender...was it me or was the air getting thin in there. "So you pick the ugliest, loneliest kid in school to be friends with?"

"You....you think you're ugly?" He said. Great, here comes the you're not ugly speech that's been designed to make me feel good about myself. "You're not ugly Jon. Now our science teacher...HE'S ugly!" He giggled. I smiled a little, but I suddenly felt so awful. Like I didn't even deserve to be in the same room with someone so gorgeous. What did Oren see when he looked into the mirror in the morning? What did he see when he looked at ME? If only I could be half as beautiful, not for myself, but for him. I wanted to be everything he wanted in the world and more. I wanted him to look at me and see the same beauty and grace that I saw in him. I wanted to be his sunshine, I wanted him to think and dream about me every day, I wanted to be the one he couldn't take his eyes off of. And the fact that I was none of those things, made me feel so empty. He evidently saw the seriousness in my eyes and said, "Dude, trust me okay? You're fine."

"Don't say that, okay? Let's just forget about it. You don't know what it's like."

"What do you mean?"

I was suddenly overcome with the incredible urge to lean over and kiss those delicious ruby red lips of his. I was trying to fight it, to forget it, but it was just sooo strong. I attempted to rationalize it all out in my mind. Tried to pretend that Mr. Delicate here was just reminding me of some girl I fancied. But it didn't work. I wanted him, I couldn't stop wanting him. I couldn't stop staring, I couldn't stop thinking, I couldn't stop wishing I was someone else, ANYONE else. I wanted to hold his slender teen body against mine, so fragile and smooth, and feel the beating of his heart as his body heat mixed with mine. God I wanted him so bad I could TASTE it. But then I remembered who I was...and it dawned on me that these feelings were just a waste of my time.

"I mean you'll never know what it's like to not have the attention, or the stares, or the big group of friends. You'll never know what it's like trying twice as hard to impress somebody, or hating your own reflection. You don't know how lonely it is."

Oren looked me right in the eye, his baby blues piercing straight through to my soul and causing me to get extremely uncomfortable. Geez he was hot! He seemed to get more attractive by the second, and he was actually turning me on here. The mental images of him and me together got worse, and I pictured us kissing, rolling around on the bed, moaning softly and touching each other as we indulged in our young lust. "You think that just because people think I'm cute that I don't have any problems?"

"You've got your whole life laid out for you, Oren. People will line up and worship the ground you walk on. You don't know what it's like to feel this alone, to not have anybody love you. Do you know what it's like to have nothing but heartbreak to look forward to in the future?"

"Do you know what it's like to break those hearts, Jon? Do you think I get a kick out of it? You tell me I don't know what it's like being lonely, well you have no idea. Do you know what it's like to have people stare at me all the time, to be on display everywhere I go? People pass me notes, telling me they love me and want to be with me. I can't have one good friend without them suddenly saying they love me and can't live without me. And then when you try to tell them you just want to be friends, it's like they hate you for not feeling the same way. I lose my friends because they say they can't bare being around me if it's gonna be friends only. Some girls just throw themselves at me and I feel guilty because I don't like them that way. Guys get jealous and decide to hate me for no reason. Then they say they don't want me hanging around them because they're all afraid I'm gonna steal their girlfriends or something. Yeah, believe me, I know what loneliness is all about."

I was almost ready to cry, wallowing in my own self pity when he said that. I looked up, trying to see his face, but once my eyes met his, I realized that I was no better than all the rest. I never thought of myself as a homosexual before Oren came along, but at that moment, I knew this wasn't just some crazy feeling or jittery sensation...I was in love. Totally in love. Don't ask me how I knew, I just did. It was wrong, I knew it, but it felt so right. I was just as bad as every other person in his life, falling for his charms and his good looks and making him the object of my desires. I couldn't help it, he just had this beautiful aura around him that seeped out of his every pour. He was beyond cute, he was just sooo lovely, so perfect and handsome and....if only I had the words to tell him. If only I could be with him in the most intimate ways. My heart hurt, my head hurt, I didn't know what to do.

Oren kept going, as though he had waited his whole life to give this speech, to let it all out to someone who would listen for a change. "I start to wonder if every friend I ever had was ever a friend at all. I look at people and try to have a meaningful conversation, and I see their eyes glaze over, and I know that they're not listening. Most people could care less what I have to say. They either hate my guts or are completely obsessed with me and I get tired of it. Half of them are usually too scared to talk to me, the other half just expect some sick sexual favor from me the second we meet. I'm tired of having older guys watch me in the mall, I'm tired of getting embarrassing compliments in front of everybody, I'm tired of losing friends because of how I look. I have feelings too you know. Do you have any idea how many times I've told that joke since I was ten? You were the first person who was ever listening closely enough to get it."

"I was?" I said, actually starting to giggle a little from the memory. Like I said, you guys wouldn't get it.

Oren saw me laughing and moved closer, making me even more nervous than I already was. "You see? You LISTEN to me. You're not just pawing me or staring at me like everybody else. That's why I like you so much, because for the first time in my life I've found somebody that makes me feel like I matter." I was trying to smile for him, but his words made me feel sick. He saw me as such a good friend, as such a big difference from everyone else he had ever known...and here I was falling even deeper in love with every word he spoke. Why did I have to be like this? Why couldn't I turn it off? Here was this awesome, wonderful boy, my best friend in the whole world, pouring his heart and soul into me, and all I could do was think of how miraculous it would be to kiss him. He got down on his knees and came over to where I was sitting on the bed, and he held my hands in his. "I'm REALLY happy to have you Jon. You're so special to me. It's strange, but I've never felt so close to anybody before in my life. I really like you, okay?"

That's when it happened, my thoughts turned from confusing and innocent, to sexual. I thought that it would never get past an image of a sweet kiss, but looking down at his blue eyes slightly hidden behind strands of blond hair that resembled freshly spun gold, I was getting hard. I pictured his beautiful nude lithe body on top of mine, grinding, thrusting, glistening with a thin sheen of sweat. His tongue in my mouth, not hard, but forceful. His perfect ass being squeezed between my fingertips as he moaned my name tenderly in my ear. He was holding my hand...my hand! He was staring into my eyes without saying a word, and I thought to myself, all I would have to do is lean forward. Just a few inches. I started to wonder whether our entire friendship, everything that had been built between us, would be worth that one sweet kiss. Just a simple kiss, with lips so tender and soft...how could he hate someone who loved him so much. Maybe he would understand, maybe he wouldn't mind. Oh if only I could share that one magnificent moment with him I'd have enough love to last me a lifetime. We continued to look at each other and for a quick second I could have sworn I saw a spark of something in his eyes, a familiar shine that let me know he understood. I could see what I was feeling reflected back at me in those glorious liquid eyes, and this time, the reflection was more beautiful than I had ever dreamed, and I was happy with what I saw.

I thought maybe this was it, maybe this was my 'sign'. I was so head over heels in love so suddenly, I didn't know what to do. I thought of how smooth and soft his gene hands were, and I thought about how he MUST be an EXCELLENT kisser. I wanted to act, to say something, do something, I was right at the door all I had to do was open it. But my senses got the better of me, my insecurities returned, and I pulled away from him. "Thanks Oren. You're...you're a good friend. You can count on me."

We both stood up, and shared an awkward moment before he stuttered, "Sure...good friends. Look...um...I've gotta go home...my mom and dad will be worried."

"Sure," I replied. "I'll see you tomorrow in class then."

"Okay...yeah, I'll be there." Then Oren paused for a second before giving me a hug, his arms folding lovingly around my neck. It was one of those hugs that lasted a bit longer than necessary, and it felt like he was shaking. Then he backed up, looking for some kind of reaction from me, and when he didn't see one, he turned around to walk out. I felt like shit. I had been lying to him the whole time, since the first day I saw him. I'd been lying to myself, thinking I could just be friends with a guy like that and eventually lure him into bed. I'll bet that on some level that's exactly what I was thinking. It was like I had no conscious. I decided that it was going to be next to impossible, but I would eventually fall out of love with him and move on. I mean, why would he choose me? I'm not a hottie, I'm just average. I'm not sexy, I'm not overly intelligent, I'm not funny, or witty, or athletic. Hell...I'm not even a GIRL! So maybe knowing that there's no chance will help me get through this. And I can be there for him like a good friend should be. After all, he deserved the very best, and his smile meant everything to me.

The next two weeks of school were a harsh combination of pleasure and pain. A billion emotions ran through me every day. Trying to be a close friend, but not too close. Trying to make him happy but not too happy. Showing him I care, but not how MUCH I care. I played tug of war with my feelings, and on some occasions I thought that maybe I was getting better. But then Oren would brush his hair out of his eyes, or throw an arm around my shoulder, or his leg would brush mine under the table, and I'd be in love all over again. I couldn't stop it, it just grew and grew until I literally had to ignore him to keep from hugging and kissing him right in the middle of class. I found my eyes glazing over when he talked, watching his thin pink lips form every word, and I'd remember how much he hated that. So I would try to concentrate harder and pay attention, but it would be less than a minute before I was in dreamland again. He was soooo cute. He just had one of those faces you never got tired of looking at. My heart went out to him every minute of the day, and it hurt me so much to hold it back from him. But I knew he didn't want to hear it, so I locked it away deep inside where hopefully he would never find it. But it was like the Tell Tale Heart, because the longer I lived with it, the more paranoid I got. It was like he could see it in my eyes, hear it in my voice, and I began to withdraw from him little by little to try and get some control over it all. But the more I pulled back, the harder he tried to get closer to me, and it was just too much for me to handle. Then one day, after class while I was running out to avoid Oren's playful after-class conversation, a girl from another class walked over to me. Her name was Stacy, and she had to be the hottest, most beautiful girl in school...maybe even the district! But it wasn't really me she wanted. She handed me an expertly folded piece of paper, and asked me to give it to Oren the next time I saw him. Then she smiled and walked away, and I was left there in the halls, holding this letter. That was more than a love note in my hand, it was the end...of everything. No doubt, once Oren finds out he got a note from the hottest girl in school, he'd follow the same routine of all the other guys and abandon me to become one of the many puppets roaming the hallways during the day. And yet, it wouldn't make sense for me NOT to give it to him. I mean, maybe this was it, my freedom. Maybe I could pass it along and leave him behind knowing that he'd be happy. I could do that, I mean, what was I waiting for? I could never tell him how I felt, and I could never give as much of myself as I wanted to without him finding out his best friend is a homo. So what was the big deal? I might as well set him free and detach myself from the whole fantasy before I ruined everything like I usually do. I sighed, and it hurt me to think of letting him go, but it was time I faced facts and realized that we just aren't meant to be. I'm just wasting my time and his.

I went home that night, and even though it was against my better judgement, I read the note. It was just beautiful. It's funny how a girl could so easily sum up every feeling I've ever had for Oren in one letter. I couldn't have written it better myself. And down at the bottom it was signed "The one you've been waiting for". Kind of a cocky ending if you ask me, but I was sure he would fall for it. I mean Stacy was the one ALL guys were waiting for, and since she didn't put her real name, I figured this meant that I'd be forced to pass on further notes and gauge reactions from my pal. Play the middle man until it was risk free for the both of them, until they got together and lived happily ever after. Sigh...be strong Jon, this is what you want, right?

The next day in class, Oren was his usual giggly self, but I wasn't in the mood. I was nervous, jealous, depressed, but I said I would deliver the note and I would. Class went by extra fast that day it seemed. Any other day the time would have dragged on for hours, but with the ever nearing doomsday bell getting ready to ring, the day period went by in a flash. The last five minutes were the worst. I knew it was almost time to give him the letter, and give away the love of my life. I was trembling uncontrollably, and I used the last few minutes to look upon his angelic face for what may be the last time before he left me behind.

The bell rang, and it took every bit of strength and courage that I had, but I gave it to him. I actually GAVE it to him! Not too bright, am I? I didn't want to see him read it, and he said I had been acting weird all day anyway, so he wouldn't notice if I just up and left. I practically threw him the letter and said "Here" before walking out. It was a mistake that I regretted every step that I took towards home. I felt empty, broken, alone. How could I have been so damn stupid, to let this gorgeous boy take me to the highest mountain top and not expect to be dropped back into the gutter of sadness that I came from? What made me think that it was my turn to be happy for a change? All my friends had gone off and found their true loves, been happy, seemed everybody was having love dropped in their lap. But not me, I had to search and struggle to find love, and when I finally found it, it was for someone I could never have. I suppose life was meant to be cruel for some people.

I had been home crying for almost three hours straight when the phone rang. Who knows what made me answer it, but I wiped my eyes clean and picked up the receiver. As though fate hadn't finished laughing at me yet, it was Oren on the other side. "J-Jon?"

"Yeah?" I said, trying to sound as normal as possible.

"Jon, dude...you've GOTTA come over!" He said. He was obviously excited about the note, and I knew it would be torture to hear him talk about it. Great, now was my chance to suffer through hearing him talk about his new love life and future sex life. Rubbing it in my face, reminding me what I gave up, and that I lost out for no other reason than I was too scared to open my mouth and say something when I had the chance. Thanks Stacy, I'll remember you for this when the ten year reunion comes around and you've gained 100 pounds and grown a moustache. I thought about making up an excuse, but Oren was one of those people I just couldn't say no to.

"Alright...I'm coming."

"How soon can you be here? Hurry up!"

"Alright...I'm coming." I repeated, just as dull as the last time. I figured that if I only had one last chance to see that cute smile of his, I might as well take it. I got on my bike and rode to his house, he practically met me at the door and yanked me inside.

The look on his face was undescribable, so full of light, so full of joy. It only made him ten times more beautiful. "Jon...I don't know what to do with myself! I'm speechless!" He said practically jumping up and down. It was almost funny seeing him so happy, I would have laughed if I wasn't hurting so much.

"So you read the letter huh?"

"Yeah, it was so cool. I was so surprised! I mean I never would have the guts to put it in a letter. I mean, I've been dreaming about it for a long time now, but I never thought I had a chance in hell!" Ha! The very thought of Oren thinking he didn't have a chance in hell with ANYBODY was downright ridiculous. I mean Stacy was bound to fall for him sooner or later. ALL the girls in school were. I guess that little note really made him happy, happier than I ever did anyway. I guess it's time to cut my losses and move on, at least I know he'll have someone. God, he was so special to me.

"No chance? Of course you had a chance, you're one of the hottest guys in school. Hehehe, I'm surprised it didn't happen before now." I said.

"Me too! But it did, it finally happened. Jon...I just want you to know...that I feel EXACTLY the same way dude!" Oren said, his smile threatening to rip is face apart if it got any bigger. Well, at least now I know he likes Stacy too. Like I said, he'll be happy. Maybe we'll still get together once in a while. Maybe they'll break up in a few weeks and he'll need a shoulder to cry on. I'll be here for him if he needs me. I'll always be here.

"Good dude, I'm glad. I hope it all works out." I said, giving him all the false well wishings that I could muster. It hurt, oh man did it hurt, but this was what he wanted and what I wanted for him. It had already been 3 months, and he had given me so much to look forward to. So much to look back at twenty years from now when I want to remember what true love really felt like. That's when something happened that let me know something wasn't quite connecting here. Oren walked up and hugged me tightly around the neck.

"It will work out Jon. Because I've never loved anybody else this much. I love you too Jon, more than anything. Thank you." Then, before my brain could even process what was going on, he loosened his grip and kissed me on the lips. He took me completely by surprise and I felt weak, helpless, breathless. I guess the shock got the better of me and I backed up, tripping over the edge of a chair and falling back against a wall. I hit my head and slinked down to the floor. "JON? Are you okay?" Oren asked, half concerned, half grinning.

I was just...I couldn't believe...my mind went completely blank. No words would come to the surface, no emotions could be described, or explained. I just sat there, wondering if this was all real, or if I was going to wake up in a second and have to change my sticky bed sheets again. "Yeah, I'm fine."

Oren looked down at me for a few moments while I regained my senses. "You know, I just told you I loved you too, you could look a little bit happier." He said jokingly.

I don't know what made me say it the way I did, or why I couldn't just let down my defenses and enjoy the kiss. I had been waiting for it for 3 whole months, and the second I get it, I screw it up and nearly give myself a concussion in the process. I said, "Dude...I didn't write the letter, Stacy did."

"Yeah, right." He joked, but I looked at him, and he saw the answer in my expression. His joy faded quickly, and I saw his face melt into a look of hurt that almost brought tears to my eyes. His smile was the first to go, then his eyes lost their youthful glow, then his shoulders dropped, then the rest of him transformed in sections to the sad figure that stood before me. He looked down at the letter in his hand again, "You...you mean...you didn't write this? You're not...'The one I've been waiting for'?" There was so much hurt in his voice, so much shame and despair. I couldn't answer him, I could only shake my head. "Oh...oh God...Jon...I'm so...embarrassed. I...I...look, this didn't happen, okay. None of it, this never happened. I'm sorry. Just...just...forget about it." When I looked up again, two small rivers of tears had come pouring out of his sparkling blue eyes. His lips were quivering and he was pacing back and forth in small circles. He felt his sobs getting stronger and he turned his back on me, attempting to hide his shame from me. But he was hurting, and the pain was showing through his front and back, inside and out.

I got up from the floor and put my arms around him from behind. Why couldn't I say it? The mystery was gone, the risk was gone, the love was real...so why couldn't I just SAY THE DAMN WORDS??? They choked me, refused to come out, they betrayed me and forced themselves downward to hide away in the dungeon where I had kept them locked up for oh so long. I could feel his tears as they dropped off of his face and down onto my arm, and they forced me to produce tears of my own.

"Why? Why don't you want me?" Oren sobbed. "Why can't you just be like the others? Why is it so hard to get you to notice me?" He started to cry even harder, his entire body quaking with pain. "Oh God, Jon...if you don't want me I'm not worth the air that I breathe."

I hugged him tighter, wishing I had the strength, wishing I could just say it, just once. I was crying just as hard as he was, and then, as if on reflex, I kissed him on the cheek. "STOP IT!" He shouted, pulling away from me. "Don't you see, you're making it worse! I thought I was above all those girls and boys, better than they were. Falling for their best friend instead of appreciating what they had. But now I'm on the other side of it, and you know what? IT SUCKS! Now I know how much it hurts. God, I'm no better than they are. I couldn't help it Jon, please believe me. It's just, you were so wonderful, you treated me like a real person and you listened to my problems. You were the first person I ever trusted. I just...I just couldn't..." Then he broke down in a fit of tears and laid down face first on his bed. He was hitting the mattress with his fist and saying how sorry he was for everything, and it ripped a hole in my very being. Then, out of nowhere, the magic box opened. The words rushed up to my lips, speeding up to the surface, stale from being held captive for such a long time. But it still wasn't easy to say. First I merely mouthed the words. Then they turned into a whisper, then a shy, low speech. But Oren was crying too hard to hear me, his face buried in a pillow.

That's when I felt myself moving towards the bed, and I laid down on top of him, my chest resting on his back as he continued to sob and squirm. I put my mouth right next to his ear and whispered the lovely words once again, their delightful sound getting easier and easier to say each time. "I love you too, Oren. More than anything." I said, and I kissed him on the tear soaked cheek once again. He must have heard me that time, because the sobs quieted down a little more and he began to relax. I leaned in to kiss his smooth cheeks again, his soft skin being gently sucked into my mouth, and this time I took the time to enjoy it. I felt him relax even more, his head turning slightly to allow me to kiss more of his creamy skin. It was at that point that I realized exactly what I was doing! I was kissing him! I was kissing Oren, and he was letting me! Oh wow! I could feel him breathing under me, I could taste the salty tingle of his tears on the tip of my tongue, my nose was actually buried in the locks of his soft blond hair. My heart raced, my head spun, and I was so close to having everything that I could ever want in life that it scared me. I was actually FRIGHTENED by it, the feelings that I had, the desire to completely give myself over to Oren and become one with the boy who had been slowly changing y life every day since we first met.

"Do you mean it? Please...please say yes." He whispered, his eyes closed, his breath pouring out of him in heavy, long winded sighs. I was still on top of him, and I felt him push his hips into the bed, then rise to make his curvaceous ass press up into my groin before pushing back down into the mattress. Feeling my cock, now rock hard, fall gently between his soft sculpted cheeks caused me to push forward involuntarily, and the sensation it gave me was beyond incredible.

It was then that I whispered in his ear, "Yes Oren. I love you." This made him moan out loud, and his arms stretched out in front of him as he arched his back and stretched underneath me. I felt his smooth body tense up, and my hands travelled down the subtle curves of his sides. While he was stretching, he buried his face in the pillow, and his body became tight and firm, yet still retaining that wiry 'green' quality, it was like having a cat stretch underneath me. I whispered again, "I need you Oren. Just say the words, please say you'll be mine." Oren moaned again, even louder. My voice was turning him on something fierce, and it made me feel so good to know I was arousing him beyond his wildest dreams. He pushed himself into me further, and I had to push my cock down into his harder to keep from being lifted off of the bed. He whimpered with a high pitch teenage whine, and his hips were rolling below me like crazy, like he couldn't get enough. I was almost ready to cum already. My body was numb with excitement, my mind was lost in the moment, and my heart...my heart found a new purpose, and it seemed to pick up an extra beat, just for him. "Pleeeeaaase Oren, say it. Say I can have you. I want you, I want you so bad." I knew it was driving him crazy, I knew he was insane with passion, and I wanted to fulfill his every fantasy. I wanted him to know my love was forever, and that his spectacular beauty, as well as his gentle spirit and good natured personality, had never once gone unnoticed.

I reached under him and cupped my hands over his tiny erect nipples. I rubbed them through his shirt and he cried out. "Yes...yes Jon, you can have me. I want you too. I've wanted you for so long." He was almost sobbing, and I could feel that raw emotion passing from him into me. We were consumed by a feeling a thousand times greater than happiness or joy, and we became so saturated with emotion that tears spilled over our faces as we coupled erotically on the bed. I leaned down to kiss him on the back of his neck, my nose filled with the sweet smelling scent of his hair, and he stretched again. This time I moved my hands further down the length of his sleek frame, and my fingertips felt the slight bumps of his ribs on their journey south. Then the hardness of his flat chest was interrupted by the incredible tenderness of his soft belly. It was soooo warm there, and my hands were able to go under his shirt to tease his belly button. I wish I could see it with my own eyes, his navel felt so cute to me, just a small oval cavity, just shallow enough to probably see the bottom of it from a distance. His skin was erotically smooth on his stomach, like an ocean of heated lotion. Running my fingers across it caused shivers to run down my spine.

All the while, Oren was grinding his cheeks into me from below. His ass was just perfect, so round and soft that the gelatin globes massaged my cock in ways I didn't even think imaginable. His bottom was such a majestic cushion of spongy perfection that to feel it move, the muscles contracting lightly, was simply mind blowing. I was pressing my cock into him hard and he only wanted more. Our grinding became a sensual wrestling match between us, and I used his soft stomach to pull him further into me. He was humping the bed, his cock engorged and frustrated at the lack of attention, and I tried to keep up with my angel kisses as his head moved back and forth constantly. He kept lifting himself up on his elbows, his back making that sexy arc that forced me even deeper into him. I let my hands wander further down, and I ran them over the length of his swollen cock. It twitched violently when I touched it and he cried out in a desperate whimper that was ooohhh so cute. I grabbed it through his pants, feeling the steel hard length of his member in my hand, and I HAD to have more. I was somehow able to unbutton his pants and zipper without looking, and once he realized what I was doing, he became wild with anticipation. "Yes, hurry Jon...mmmm...hurry!" I fumbled around until I was able to get them open and I reached into his underwear. The first contact was like heaven, and a bolt of lightning shot through the both of us. He drove all five and a half inches into my hand hard as soon as I touched, and the heat coming from it threatened to burn me. He moaned out really loud, and his ass molded itself to me tightly. He pushed himself into my hand repeatedly, pumping, grinding, pushing, moaning, and with every thrust, his soft warm ass would tease me. Oren pushed his hands back to pull his pants down o his thighs under me, and I was able to do the same. I lifted his shirt and ground myself into him like crazy, our bare flesh touching for the first time. His cheeks were so ripe, so deliciously soft and smooth and tight and round. God...how long I've waited for this moment.

I was not only letting him push into me now, I was jacking him off now. I could feel his balls touching my hand on every down stroke, and on every upstroke, he soft skin of his underbelly, dusted with the finest silky pubic hair ever. I was nibbling on his ear, and realized that through it all, the two of us were still crying, still overcome with the knowledge that we weren't alone, that we felt the same way. The knowledge that in a world of disappointments, disagreements, prejudice, hatred, depression, and pain...it's still possible for two hearts to find each other and beat as one. That in the very end, love really did conquer all. Oren was beginning to squirm even more underneath me and I knew he was close. I thought that I might be able to last longer, that I might be able to resist the temptation to give myself over to the orgasm of the century. But it hit me without warning, building up deep inside of me and forcing me to wriggle around on top of Oren wildly. We were both panting and dizzy, and it was then that he whispered, "Mmmm....I...I love you so much Jon...soooo much...." And I realized that this wasn't just someone I loved...this was Oren. This was the kid who made me laugh, who I almost lost, who I couldn't live without...and when he turned his head to the side and our lips met for the second time, it was over for the both of us. His body tensed up and I felt the pulsing spasms of his hard cock as he shot long strong blasts of cum onto the bed sheets. At the same time, his tongue shot out into my mouth, and my cock fell directly into the crack of that perfect ass, and I cried out as I shot ho seemen up the crack and onto his back, gluing us together as we attempted to come back to earth from such an amazing climax. My breathing slowed down, my heart stopped hurting from beating so fast, my body temperature returned to normal, and our muscles finally let us relax. I rolled off of Oren's back, and his hypnotic blue eyes stared into my soul. We looked at each other for a few minutes and just when I thought I couldn't feel any more 'beautiful' myself...he leaned in and kissed me. He tasted so sweet, and more warm tears streamed down my cheeks, mixing with his, and we knew then and there that we'd never be alone again.

We made out, kissing and licking each other for what must have been an hour. And the whole time we never spoke a single word, not that w could have finished a complete sentence anyway the way we were going at it. We couldn't even make eye contact without kissing. To think, all this time I had been looking for love, and I found it in another boy. The cutest boy in the whole world no less. And he loved me too...what are the odds. Any other time, I would have thought that fate was laughing at me, but this time it was finally throwing me a bone. Fate was finally telling me "Here kid, you've been through enough. Now take this gift and enjoy yourself." We laid in bed, holding each other, breathing in unison, and just when I thought the tears would stop, they would start all over again. I had never been closer to anybody. No more critical mornings in the mirror, no more wondering if I'd ever make it in this crazy world, no more hurt feelings or wasting time wondering what I had done to deserve such a raw deal. I had found love, a perfect love with a perfect blond lover. One that would last until the end of time and beyond.

"You know...we're going to have to stop crying eventually." Oren said, smiling and wiping his cheeks clear of the salted streaks.

"Hehehe, how do you suppose we do that?" I replied, and he kissed me on the cheek before whispering that same joke in my ear again, making me burst out into laughter. It just got funnier every time we heard it, and he laughed right along with me. He was great! What was the joke? Ah, don't worry about it. It's dumb. You probably wouldn't get it anyway. I guess you have to be in love to truly understand it anyway.