Advent - 7. Chapter 7 - St. Chaeromon

December 22^nd – St. Chaeromon

From Catholic Online:

“When the persecution was instituted by Emperor Trajanus Decius, Chaeromon was quite elderly. He and several companions fled into the Arabian Desert and were never seen again.”

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Danny fretted as he finished wrapping the last gift. It had been a week since his and Cayden’s second date. Tonight was their third date. It was nerve wracking because third date meant sex. Danny was frightened about what that could mean.

This past week had brought many changes in Danny’s life of late. The discussion with Jenny and Allen had changed his social behavior dramatically. Jenny called him daily, both to check on how he was and to spill news from all his friends’ lives. She was the one to suggest a reunion of sorts on Christmas Eve night since his family was going to get together on Christmas Day instead. Somehow, it ended up with Danny hosting a party on Christmas Eve night with Cayden meeting all his friends.

It was weird, but somehow felt good as well.

Danny had told Jenny about Cayden the next day after their second date. He’d simply let her know about Diane’s caroling party and then told her all about trimming the Christmas tree. Jenny had been quite supportive of the idea of Cayden. She insisted on meeting him though, which made Danny very comfortable. But, Danny figured as a group they couldn’t be too horrific to Cayden. At least he hoped not.

Cayden had been a dream the whole past week. Every day the two would meet before work outside in the courtyard. Cayden would smoke and Danny would talk. Every lunch time, Cayden would meet Danny on the skyway level and they’d go to a little sandwich place or Chinese place and get a bite to eat. Most importantly, they would talk. Then every afternoon, Cayden would smoke, Danny would meet him, and they would laugh about their lunch discussion.

They never ran out of things to talk about. Well, except once. Danny told Cayden about the get together, the reunion on Christmas Eve with his friends. Cayden was pretty upset and told Danny it wasn’t a good idea. Danny assured him it would be fine. Cayden grew red in the face as they talked about Jenny and Cliff, Dennis and Sam, Allen and Cindy, Dave and Ned all coming to Danny’s house. It was clear Cayden didn’t trust them. In the end they almost fought about it. But, Cayden couldn’t get mad at Danny. He agreed to come over Christmas Eve night.

Danny couldn’t say no about anything to Cayden either. All it took was a few words in that rumbly deep voice and Danny melted like a chocolate bar on a hot summer’s day. His spine would tingle and tickle. It was magic and Danny didn’t want it to stop.

So, here is was the morning before their third date and Danny was petrified. What if he couldn’t do it?

Cayden wasn’t the most take charge man he’d ever met. Danny was pretty laid back as well. He wasn’t very aggressive in bed. A few times, Danny had been the one to initiate the lovemaking, it had usually been Brian. Even less likely was Danny’s position as the top. For the most part, Danny was very submissive in bed, very.

He liked being dominated and for his partner to control him. Cayden was so pliable himself. What if they ended up just waiting for the other person to act and make it happen? Not to mention who’d be doing what to whom? It was confusing and worrisome.

Danny shook off his concern and considered what he’d gotten done this morning. Under the tree were a bunch of presents. They sparkled under the twinkling lights of the tree. He noticed the adorable Bugs ornament dressed as a Valkyrie on top of the chubby horse. Next to it was the snow white dove, its tail feathers were splayed out proudly behind her. Above these two ornaments were two more decorations.

Cayden had brought him two more ornaments while they visited outside at work. One was a little red school house with a tiny Christmas wreath and festooned with swags of holly and evergreens. It was another gift from his ex but he loved it and so Danny had gotten it to put on the tree.

The other tree trimming was a lot different. It was a small gold angel with a tiny halo and a sword. This little representation of the archangel Michael was new, in a fancy box with the original seals still on it. Danny looked at Cayden suspiciously with guarded eyes. Cayden just shrugged and said he thought it would look good on the tree. Danny sighed and smiled. He reached over and smacked Cayden on the shoulder. Cayden shrugged again, looked down, and took a puff of his smoke. He never said a word but Danny gave him a kiss, quick and discrete, but right on the lips. Right in the courtyard outside the building they worked in.

Danny smiled as he thought of the kiss and looked at the beautiful angel perched near the top of the tree. Enough woolgathering, time to consider what he’d gotten done today and what needed to get done before the holiday. He leaned forward and picked up the list. Danny had shopped hard all morning and finished all his gift shopping. It wasn’t hard buying presents for his mom, dad, his nieces and nephew. Cayden had been surprisingly easy to buy for. However, he didn’t know what to do for his friends. Since they were coming for the Christmas Eve reunion, he feared they’d bring something for him.

He needed to have something to give back. But what? In the end, he bought them all movies, DVD’s of things they’d seen together and loved. They were all cherished memories and he hoped they’d understand his reasons. These movies represented times they’d spent together. Laughs they’d shared and tears they’d shed. Danny hoped it was enough. He missed them.

Shit, he hadn’t gotten the food yet. Danny and Cayden had discussed the menu and how to make it easy considering it was a last minute party. Danny would just go to Costco and get veggie platters, frozen meatballs with cream gravy, shrimp cocktail bowl, artichoke and spinach dip with pita chips, and even some little mini quiches. Cayden promised to bring Christmas cookies. He made Danny promise not to buy a single cookie. Danny laughed and agreed.

But, he hadn’t made it out to Costco yet. It was now the late afternoon the Sunday before Christmas and he had a date at six o’clock. Danny hoped he could get out there and back in time. No time for futzing around. Danny quickly got into his coat, grabbed his keys and dashed out to his car. He sped down the highway to the store to get the food.

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Danny had just gotten the food into the basement refrigerator and washed his face when he heard Cayden’s impatient ringing of the doorbell and telltale knock on the door. Traffic had been terrible on the way back from Costco. He kept feeling he was forgetting something, it nagged at him and he couldn’t put his finger on what it could be. Danny had the food, presents, the house was decorated. Cayden was picking him up at six for a quick supper and then go to the play. Jungle Theater was having a special show with ‘A Christmas Carol’ and somehow Cayden had gotten tickets. It was an avant-garde show set in the era of the Sixties.

What was he missing?

Danny didn’t have time to worry. He still had a couple of days before Christmas and it was such a hectic time. Cayden’s office party had been on Friday night. He’d asked Danny to go with him but his own office party was that night too. Then on Saturday, his mother asked him to go out to Stillwater to see his brother. Danny’s sisters and mother picked him up and they’d visited Terry. It was bittersweet. Seeing his brother had been nice but the setting of the prison was so horrible. With good behavior, his drug-addicted sibling would get out by February. Terry looked much better both clean and sober.

Danny opened the door and couldn’t help but smile at Cayden’s outfit. The blonde man was dressed in the ugliest Christmas sweater he’d ever seen. It had Mrs. Claus face bedazzled with little fake gems and plenty of glitter and assorted tassels. Cayden had belly laughed seeing Danny’s face.

“Time to paint the town red,” Cayden said posing up against the doorstop. “Ready to go?”

“Give me just a minute,” Danny said and raced to his bedroom. He changed his clothes and bounced back down the stairs to his waiting date. Cayden now had a reason to laugh back at him. Danny had put his own ugly Christmas sweater on. Danny’s was replete with angels with wings that flapped as he walked. “Can’t let you get all the attention.”

“We’ll get all the uptown hipsters giggling at us,” Cayden said grinning broadly while taking Danny’s hand. The two left the house to race to the restaurant and then the play.

Sure enough, all the posers had stared and remarked in hushed whispers at their outfits. Danny and Cayden enjoyed the attention they got. Mostly, the locals stayed far away from them. But, the food had been good and the play was fantastic.

Ebenezer Scrooge was played as Mad Men style businessman. Marley was a hilarious bohemian drug dealer. The ghosts were goofy hippies resplendent in neon colors and fringes. As the story unfolded, funny little asides pushed the story forward with a freshness Danny had never seen before. The Dickens’ tale was his holiday favorite and he couldn’t go without watching it at least once on television. But, watching this live was especially amazing and listening to Cayden’s booming laughter made it even better.

That feeling that something was missing disappeared as the two became immersed in the show. Danny forgot about everything as they left the theater and chatting about the show stepping into the falling snow.

“Dammit,” Danny cursed as the light, fluffy flakes fell on the two men. “This is going to mess up my hair.” Cayden chuckled at him. Danny put his head down and walked faster toward the parking lot at the museum. He didn’t notice that Cayden wasn’t next to him until he felt a sudden cold, wet, mass hit his neck.

“What the…?” Danny cried out.

Cayden was bent over laughing at him. Danny brushed the snow from his hair and neck and shouted, “You are so dead.” He took off running for Cayden. The blond man wasn’t much of a runner but he tried to stay away from Danny. The larger man soon caught up with him and pounced, pushing Cayden into a pile of snow next to the sidewalk.

“You got me all wet,” Danny laughed and pushed Cayden’s head into the loose snow. “You’re gonna pay for that.”

“You are too funny,” Cayden teased back. “We get a beautiful new batch of Christmas snow and you’re worried about your hair.” Cayden took a handful of snow and rubbed it onto Danny’s head.

Danny tried to evade Cayden’s efforts but only managed to roll over on his back, Cayden on top of him. “I knew we’d be wrestling tonight, I figured it would be in my bed,” Danny said holding onto the smaller man tightly.

“Oh, we’ll get to that,” Cayden said and kissed him, pushing Danny further into the snowbank. Danny kissed him back and rolled back on top of Cayden, taking a handful of snow to rub over his boyfriend’s face.

“There, I’ll give you some Christmas snow,” Danny laughed.

“Um,” Cayden grinned. “Delicious. But not as tasty as you.”

Danny leaned back and shook his head. “You are incorrigible Cayden. What am I going to do with you?”

“Take me home with you. I’ve been waiting for that all night,” Cayden smirked and raised his eyebrows.

“You have, have you?” Danny said getting to his feet. “Well, you are the frisky one then.”

“I am. Let’s get home and out of these wet clothes and into a nice, dry bed.”

Danny reached down and helped pull Cayden to his feet. They brushed off as much as they could, but it was coming down pretty hard anyway. They walked the rest of the way to the car hand in hand. Danny couldn’t remember the last time he’d felt so alive.

As they traveled back to his house, Danny felt his earlier trepidation return. How would this work? Cayden had been very hesitant to push their relationship forward, at least sexually. Danny felt it was time. He wanted more from Cayden but he didn’t know how to approach it. Would Cayden and he just let their passion cool or would their ardor drive them into the next level?

Danny needn’t have worried.

After Danny made it clear he wanted Cayden to spend the night, the blond man had taken control. He played Danny’s body like a fiddle making him hum and moan and even scream a couple of times. There were a couple of awkward moments, like new lovers usually have, but they were quickly forgotten. Cayden was very vocal about what he wanted but also asked about Danny’s needs. Danny found out things about his body he never knew. There were spots that made him cringe and writhe. Other times, Cayden’s fingers or tongue found a fold or crevasse that made Danny cry out.

In the end, Danny had no complaints. In fact, he couldn’t catch his breath after the third time. Cayden fell in a heap next to him, gasping and sweating from the exertion. They fell asleep holding each other. Danny’s feeling of something missing returned but his exhaustion pushed that aside.

The next morning, Danny made coffee and baked some refrigerated sweet rolls. As they ate, they discussed the week. Cayden was going to work today but had taken the rest of the week off. Danny wasn’t working at all, deciding it wasn’t worth trying to fit everything in. Christmas Day was on Wednesday this year and it would be easier just to take the time away from work.

After Cayden kissed him goodbye, Danny sat and thought about the wonderful night they’d had. Why had he worried? Cayden was just about the perfect lover. His concerns were for nothing. Hell, Cayden was a better lover than Brian had ever been.

Brian.

Oh shit!

He’d forgotten all about Brian. That’s what he’d missed thinking about yesterday. Not once had thoughts of Brian even crossed his mind. For an entire day Brian had been absent in his head. That hadn’t happened in eleven years.

Brian was his everything. Yet, he no longer was. Brian was gone.

Danny considered his feelings carefully. Did he feel guilty? Did he feel like he cheated on Brian? Had he betrayed his husband?

Strangely enough, he didn’t feel any of those things. Danny just felt immense satisfaction and warmth. He missed Brian but he no longer felt consumed by the man and what he meant. Danny felt a little twinge of shame but no real guilt.

Technically, he and Brian were still married, but that was in name only. Danny’s missing feelings were weird. Somehow he’d transferred those feelings from Brian to Cayden. Then, he thought about the Christmas Eve reunion with his friends.

Christmas night had always been their friends’ holiday celebration. They’d arranged the reunion for Christmas Eve, only a day earlier, but it was totally different. Cayden would be at the party tomorrow night. Brian would be at the hospice. Jenny and Danny had planned the party without a thought about their tradition.

Maybe that was for the best. Perhaps Jenny had known having their usual Christmas party would be too painful, for them all. Could they have, without thinking, altered the dynamic with just a date change? Danny reflected on his actions yesterday. It hadn’t occurred to him that Danny and Brian’s party had become Danny and Cayden’s party.

Brian was gone. He’d already left the building. Without thinking more, Danny started to weep, silent tears fell down his cheeks. Now he felt the guilt start to well up. He needed to call Jenny. How had he handled this without her in his life?

Jenny had answered and she was as shocked as Danny about forgetting about Christmas with Brian.

“It’s been so long since we talked, I guess it never crossed my mind,” she said crying along with Danny. “So much has happened since last year I guess I forgot.”

“It was always Brian’s deal,” Danny responded. “I never did a thing for the Christmas night party. It was always Brian who got everyone together.”

“Yeah, we would all just show up,” Jenny agreed. “I can’t believe I didn’t think of that. Should we cancel?”

“No. I don’t think so. I want to see everyone. It will be one last time before…Thursday.”

Jenny didn’t say anything for a minute. “I don’t think Brian would be happy if we didn’t celebrate. Even if he can’t be there, he’d want us to continue the tradition.”

“But Cayden?” Danny’s voice held the question and quivered. “What should I do about him?”

“I wanna meet him,” Jenny said finally. “Everyone wants to meet him. I think Brian would want you to be happy again. He loved you so much he couldn’t stand the idea of you lonely.”

Danny considered it. She was right. Brian loved him and would want him to be happy. Cayden’s presence in his life had forced him to move on. He had been lonely. Brian’s body lying in a hospice was a poor substitute for a partner in life. Brian loved him. Had loved him, and now he was gone.

“Let’s have the party tomorrow night,” Danny sighed. “Let’s celebrate one last Christmas with a toast to Brian. He’d love that.”

“If you’re sure,” Jenny said. “I don’t want to make it painful for you.”

“No. It may hurt a little but I can’t live in the past anymore. Brian would be mad at me if I didn’t do it.”

In the end, they both found the right solution. Brian’s last Christmas would be the kind of celebration he’d love. Then, they would say goodbye. It was time for the last bit of light in the darkness.

Danny lit a candle and said his first prayer in a long while. He wasn’t mad at God any longer.