Advent - 4. Chapter 4 - St. Eulalia

December 10^th – St. Eulalia

From Catholic Online:

“She was then stripped by the soldiers, tortured with hooks and torches, and burnt at the stake, suffocating from smoke inhalation. She taunted her torturers all the while, and as she expired a dove flew out of her mouth. This frightened away the soldiers and allowed a miraculous snow to cover her nakedness, its whiteness indicating her sainthood.”

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The next morning, Danny woke up on the couch consumed with guilt. His stomach was in knots as he tried to piece the events of the previous evening back together. He’d decorated the tree with a man he only knew casually, putting those pieces of Brian, he meant the ornaments of Brian’s aside with hardly a thought otherwise. He’d asked him out, cheating on his husband. Then he’d thrown himself at Cayden like a cheap trick.

Brian deserved better. Brian was holed up in a hospice bed fighting for his life while Danny was cavorting with some guy. He’d invited Cayden into their marital home and then took advantage of him. All the while the pieces of Brian’s life were lying in a pile next to the ornament box. What a piece of garbage he was.

The memory of Cayden’s lips and smoky taste haunted him. He found himself thinking romantic thoughts about the man’s body. No, those weren’t romantic thoughts. They were deceitful, disgusting thoughts of what piercings Cayden had and how they’d feel on his skin. They were the kinds of thoughts you harbor for your spouse, not a casual acquaintance. Danny felt dirty and took an especially long shower.

That didn’t help. He’d bitterly pleasured himself thinking about Cayden, not Brian. He exploded in fury at himself and his lust. Brian had always been true to him. Now, he was entertaining men in his place.

It didn’t help his mother had called to ask about Brian and what he was going to do about it. He hated her saying it was torture to keep Brian alive. He yelled obscenities at her calling her names and crying endlessly that entire day. By evening, Danny was an emotional wreck and even watching a Christmas movie didn’t help. He felt alone, soiled, and empty, all at the same time.

He wanted to talk to Cayden. He needed to talk to Cayden. He couldn’t speak with him, not tonight. Tonight he needed to rid himself of all of it. Tonight was for Brian. Danny clutched and fingered Brian’s ornaments, one by one. He thought about when Brian opened them and shouted in glee. How Brian kissed him and held him and made love to him each Christmas Eve night for all those years they’d been together.

Brian would never hold him again. He’d only get lifeless, empty kisses from now on. Brian was gone, just his poor empty vessel of a body remained. After a day and evening of recriminations toward himself, he made up his mind. He wouldn’t pull the plug before Christmas. That would be too hard for him, for Brian’s family, for their shared friends to take. He’d wait. Danny had to let Brian go. He didn’t want to but he didn’t have a choice anymore.

It was time to move on, and with that Danny slept that night dreaming of Advent calendars and Cayden.

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The next morning, Danny felt like someone had beaten him with a club. His muscles ached and he rolled out of bed and stretched. Yesterday’s feeling had faded but his joints felt like they needed oil. He made coffee and thought about what he needed to do. First thing was an apology to his mother. She’d only been trying to help. He was mortified by his words to her.

She understood his pain, or at least she seemed to. His mother had already forgiven him but he needed her absolution for it to become real. Danny spoke softly with her telling her his plan for Brian. She agreed with him, it was over. It was cruel to keep him going on machines never waking, never resting. It was unfair, but it was necessary.

When he hung up he paused and looked at Cayden’s number. Should he call now or wait? Maybe they should speak in person. But, all he knew was he missed him so much. He wanted to hear that deep, rich voice and feel his embrace. Danny mused on this for a while and then called. Cayden answered on the second ring, his voice happy. He would come over later, in the evening.

Danny heard the doorbell ring and paused, knowing he was taking a step that would forever alter his life. He wasn’t ready for a relationship. It wasn’t fair to Brian. It wasn’t fair to Cayden. It really, and truly, wasn’t fair to him. He just needed to cut to the quick and be done with it. He’d used Cayden as a crutch and that wasn’t right. After speaking with his mother, he knew what had to be done.

“Hey Danny boy,” Cayden said smiling broadly. He walked past Danny and toward the sparkling Christmas tree glinting gaily in the corner. “Looking good. We did a good job on it.”

“Cayden,” Danny started. “I think we need to talk.”

“That doesn’t sound good,” the deep bass voice muttered. Cayden wasn’t looking at Danny. He was facing the tree his shoulders slumped.

“I think I haven’t been fair to you,” Danny said, his voice faltering. “I just think I was caught up in the emotions Friday night and…”

“Nuff said,” Cayden turned and he was frowning, his eyes were sparkling but not with gladness. There were tears welling in those honey brown eyes and Danny looked away.

“We can just be friends, if that’s okay,” Danny said looking at the closet door. “I’d like to be your friend if I haven’t messed that up.”

“Sure, we’re friends. Sounds like a plan.”

“I shouldn’t have asked you out,” Danny’s voice was seriously wavering. He looked so forlorn, broken. Cayden stepped forward and hugged him. Danny tried to pull away but couldn’t. He felt like a rag doll in the other man’s thin arms and strong embrace. Tears fell from both pairs of eyes. Danny shuddered. Cayden held him closer.

“We’ll just be good friends. Good friends get to hug each other and do things together. That works for me,” Cayden whispered in Danny’s ear. The sound trickled into his brain and set off a chain reaction in his lower parts. Without meaning to, Danny nuzzled his face in Cayden’s neck. That sent a separate series of responses to Cayden’s nervous system. The two men could feel their attraction against each other’s legs.

They released each other and stepped back.

“I suppose I should go,” Cayden said rubbing his cheek. He looked wounded, lost. Danny was heartbroken. Why had he let Friday night get so crazy? Cayden was now in pain, pain caused by Danny’s impetuous behavior.

“Wait, before I go, I brought you something. Let’s just say it’s a parting gift or something.”

Danny looked up and said, “You shouldn’t have done that.” He meant it. This could make it more difficult, what was already so hard to do.

“Nothing big or anything. I found another ornament my ex gave me and since you’ve got all these pictures of birds on the walls, I thought you might enjoy it,” Cayden reached into his coat pocket and pulled out a small box, this time unwrapped.

Danny took the box and opened it. It was wrapped in tissue paper and as he moved the corners he could feel feathers. It was a lovely white dove, the kind you don’t hang but clip to the branches. It was frosted white glass with a tail that was as white as Christmas snow. “It’s lovely. But, shouldn’t you…”

“No,” Cayden said sadly. “I don’t want it. I wanted you to have it. Friday night I gave you that ornament and it felt like my ex and what he did to me just went away. It was like giving it to you purged the anger. He gave me this one too. If you keep it, it’ll make me feel better.”

“Then I’ll keep it. I’ll put it right here by the Bugs one. Every time I look at it, I’ll think of you.”

After he said that, Danny knew it was true. He would look at those ornaments and think of Cayden. He’d think of Cayden’s lips. He’d remember that smoky kiss. He’d see his shining honey golden eyes look up and hand him the ornament. He’d think of Cayden and he’d cry. He didn’t want to cry anymore. His tear ducts were worn out. Danny wanted to think only happy thoughts, and those thoughts were of only one person; Cayden.

“I guess I’ll just head out then,” Cayden said, still looking at Danny, waiting, and hoping.

“No reason to leave already,” Danny said brightly. “We’re still friends and we should just do something tonight. I don’t know, go out or something.”

“That sounds like a date and I don’t think you want that,” Cayden said haltingly.

Danny paused and thought about his dream last night. It was a jumbled mess but it did inform him of something. He thought this was what he wanted, Cayden safely set to one side. Now, he wasn’t so sure.

“Remember when you asked me why I went outside in the cold while you smoked,” Danny said out of nowhere.

“Yeah, you said you liked being outside.”

“That wasn’t true. I hate the cold,” Danny admitted. “I go outside while you smoke because it’s my little treat for the day.”

“That’s a strange treat,” Cayden smirked at him.

“Did you ever have an Advent calendar; you know when you were a kid?”

“Yeah, you’d open up a door each day and there’d be a little treat or a message or something. It was a way to pass the time until Christmas,” Cayden recalled. Where was this going?

“Talking to you was my little Advent calendar. I’d go out and talk to you and it was my treat that kept me going throughout the day.” When he said it out loud, Danny thought he sounded a bit cuckoo.

“I’m your little treat?” Cayden asked, his smile was shining, eyes once again sparkling. “I can’t believe you think of time with me as your little treat.”

Danny nodded and chuckled. Time with Cayden was always a treat. It was a treat that was better than candy.

“You can’t say something like that and not expect me to kiss you,” Cayden said after a minute of thought.

“Maybe that’s why I said it,” Danny said and the two embraced, again.

They weren’t friendly kisses, not at all. They were the kisses meant to get ready for more, but that was all they did. Their mouths grappled with intensity and heat that neither was ready for. But, they went with it, Danny clasping Cayden’s arms and Cayden holding Danny’s face in his hands. When the two of them came up for air, it was only to look into each other’s eyes and sigh.

They weren’t just friends. They never could be.

After making out for a while, the two men decorated the rest of the house. They hung garland between the dining room and kitchen. They put candles on the side board. Cayden held up bows while Danny fastened them to the curtain rods. It was easy work and before long Danny had Christmas carols playing in the background. Cayden’s deep bass voice accompanied the recordings. Each note he sang wedged itself into Danny’s soul.

After all the decorations had been hung, Danny made them supper, a quick affair of soup and sandwiches. They ate in silence looking from each other to the lights and back again. It was comfortable and calm. Danny never said another word about being friends and Cayden wouldn’t have touched the subject with a ten foot pole.

“Oh,” Danny said, breaking the quiet. “There’s one more decoration I forgot to put up.”

“Yeah, what’s that,” Cayden said raising an eyebrow.

“I’ll show you,” and he scampered up the stairs for a few minutes. When he came down it was slowly, almost hesitantly. “I forgot the mistletoe.”

Sure enough, in Danny’s hand was a sprig of dried mistletoe bound with a red ribbon and a couple of seed pearls.

“Want help?” Cayden asked shyly, turning red at the thought of Danny underneath the green bunch.

“Please. I’ll get the step ladder and you can hand it up to me,” Danny said, eyes glowing mischievously.

He got the ladder and climbed up. Cayden handed him the sprig and Danny hung it carefully at the apex of the ceiling in between the living room and dining room. He climbed down the ladder and put it away. Cayden just stood there waiting.

Danny returned and smiled at Cayden, just waiting and watching him.

“What?” he said rubbing his face. “Is there mustard on my cheek or something?”

“No, I’m seeing if the mistletoe works,” Cayden growled and beckoned to Danny.

The mistletoe did work. It worked very, very well.

Cayden left shortly thereafter and Danny plopped on the couch. Tomorrow was another day of work. Cayden had made him promise to meet him at eight o’clock in the courtyard.

Danny couldn’t wait to open another door to the Advent calendar. He figured it would be something special inside.