A Thousand Nights with You - 33. The man with many faces

The morning sun cast a long beam into our small, dark room. Mark unbuttoned his shirt and turn around. What I saw was unmistakable; the fungal parasite - that used to be only a stub at the back of our head - has now spread to all over his shoulders. And I knew what that means.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” I gasped.

“I’m… sorry. I thought it would go away.” He said.

I wasn’t mad before, but now I was. We had been on half dose to stretch supplies, perhaps far too long than we are allowed to. He should have taken my share of RIs. No wonder he was anxious to find Jacob Philman. Suddenly, it occurred that the same thing might be happening to me to.

“Was I-”

“You’re okay.”

“You’re an asshole. You know that?” I hit his chest. “How could you keep something like this from me!”

“Look, I didn’t want you to freak out.”

I am freaking out. First, because I was paranoid that he’s still hung up about Bethany - and now, that I might be losing him anyway. How could I have not known? I thought he wore clothes to sleep because of the winter nights. I thought his long shifts required him to leave at sunrise and comes back after sun sets. I thought he kept his distance because he was sick of me. Why am I so stupid?

“I think you should stay away from me for a while.” He said.

“It’s already inside me, Mark. You can’t spread anything more to me-”

“I think we shouldn’t take chances. We don’t know what’s causing this.” It was bad enough that I’m losing him. I can’t bear not touching him as well. Mark grabbed my shoulders and said, “Look, both of us can’t get sick at the same time. I need you to watch out for me. Can you do that?”

I slowly nodded. “We need to seek help.”

“I think only Jacob Philman can help us.” Mark muttered. But we’ve been trying to track him down for weeks.

“Bethany. She knows a lot of people and how things are run-”

“No. We’re supposed to keep low about this.” His tone tells me it wasn’t open for discussion.

“But-”

“No buts. I can handle this myself.” He sounded a little pissed. Was it shame? Was it pride? Bethany can be trusted, Mark should know that. Maybe he is still hung up about her, after all. I didn’t know what else to say, but to nod like an acquiescent child.

“Dan, I’m scared.” His face was hard as steel. “But you can’t tell, can you?”

I shook my head. I don’t know why he’s telling me this. Then he messed up my hair and left the house.

He didn’t want me to come along to help him find Jacob Philman. Pruning Street isn’t a place for kids like me, and my presence wouldn’t help to loosen up tongues. So I stayed at home, feeling miserable that I couldn’t do anything about it. I lain down, did a lot of thinking, playing through the past weeks in my head. How did he find about the parasite spreading? He wouldn’t have known unless someone told him. Someone who had saw him naked. But even I hadn’t seen him naked for weeks, the weather was too cold to sleep naked even with the heater. Then I remembered the guards asking him something when they did the strip search to check us for bite wounds. He must have known by then.

Grace said our immune system suppressed the parasite since we didn’t have the HRN virus to cripple it. The RIs kept it dormant so it couldn’t control our minds. I wondered if the half doses caused the parasite to spread. After all, we survived for more than half a year without the meds to control it. Maybe alcohol kills it? Maybe Chimera is mutating faster than we could understand it?

I tossed and turned, unable to stand the idea of not doing anything. He doesn’t think I can help, or Bethany for that matter. But I’m going to prove him wrong. So despite his objections, I went to look for Bethany anyway.

There must be some reason why we couldn’t find him through the registrar, or through anyone we know. Maybe Jacob Philman goes by another alias and he’s only known by that name to his close confidante. Someone like Bethany would know the right persons to give us access to this mysterious scientist. The only problem was I didn’t know how to seek her help without telling her about our condition. And Mark didn’t want her to know about that as well. He would be double-pissed with me.

Bethany stayed at Third Base street, and as you can guess, it was where the third base marking used to be located on the stadium field. It’s kind of an irony because that’s as far as any guys could go with girls these days. Not unless they start producing condoms again. She lived on the sixth floor, and you can tell from the way the buildings are leaning on each other, that it wasn’t meant to be built so tall. They have ladders instead of stairs because the infected couldn’t climb. So she was amused when I told her that Mark and I were infected - because I just climbed six ladders, speaking to her instead of groaning. She thought it was some kind of joke.

“I’m not joking, Bethany. Look at our eyes – they looked like glass. Just like them.”

Her smile faded away, and I thought for a moment she was going to pull out her gun. She looked at me closely, as if seeing me for the first time. Then she muttered, “And I wondered how the two of you could have gotten through that horde without a single scratch.”

I told her everything about us. From our dependency on alcohol to the treatment we had in Sandpoint. I told her that we need to find Jacob Philman soon, or we need to leave Olympia. If Mark goes into a rampage, we would be lynched for sure. Bethany didn’t look surprised when we told her that his name wasn’t on the registrar, and we checked everyone on the medical and research team as well.

“You were looking at the wrong places and asking the wrong questions.” Bethany said. She didn’t know a Jacob Philman, but she knows we were hitting up the wrong tree.

“What do you mean?”

“Come, I’ll show you.”

Pruning Street was a narrow stretch where the stadium VIP spectator stand used to be. It was known as the Alley of Debauchery, and it’s easy to guess why. The road was filled with vomit and piss, hookers and rent boys, in all kinds of shapes plying their trade. There are a few shady characters lurking about, probably pimps or drug dealers, but Bethany said they’re not the sources we are looking for.

She brought me to the seedier side of Pruning Street (I didn’t know how that was possible). Unlike the main road, the back alleys aren’t stationed with guards. You could only move in a single file, and there are small side windows that are marred with graffiti. She pointed to one of them and said, “This is where you come if you’re looking for medical treatment.”

“Medical treatment? Can’t they get it from the clinic?”

“We have limited medical supplies. Treatments are only for the soldiers and the elites, or if you get injured at work. But God helps you if you have diabetes or some chronic diseases. Otherwise, you’ll knock on one of those windows.”

Like Sandpoint and any other Atlantis colonies, the punishment for pilfering army supplies is by death. They don’t even send you to the firing squad because it’s a waste of bullets. By the stadium clock, if you squint hard enough, you could see a stand with a hanging noose. That’s where they flog and execute criminals. They don’t believe in providing free food and lodging for criminals. For that reason, these doctors would give different names to different groups of contacts. Say, if you’re a trusted customer, they would tell you that their name is John. And if a new customer comes knocking with that referral, they’ll know it’s a clean business. Otherwise, they would deny their identity and they have the registrar records to prove it.

I thought we would be knocking on one of those windows but Bethany laughed it off and said we’re not looking to fix a cough or common cold. We went through the alley, got past a burly looking bouncer and walked into some kind of basement warehouse. Except that it wasn’t a warehouse. It’s a caged arena. At first, this place looked like an underground fight club. But I only see one fighter outside the ring. Despite his massive build, he looked really nervous. In a few moments’ time, I understand why – he is fighting against an infected. At the side of the cage was a couple of infected chained to the bars. These are not the slow moving types.

“Why are we here?” I asked Bethany.

“Who you think the fighter sees when he gets injured?”

“They have a doctor here?”

“Yes. But they’re mostly there to check you’re not infected when they let you out of that cage.”

We had no idea who the doctor is, and our best bet is to find out from the ringmaster.

“If this Jacob guy isn’t on the official payroll, my guess is that he’ll be working underground. As to why your friends in Sandpoint deals with these people…”

“Grace said something about being trading partners.” I said.

“Ah I see, that explains. No settlement would willingly trade their medical supplies.”

So Grace was dealing with the smugglers all along. I wondered if she knows or cares. Before we approach the ring master, a familiar mop of curly brown head moved through the crowd. He turned towards us, and a look of recognition dawned on his face. He pulled us aside before we get to the ringmaster.

“What are you doing here?” Mark directed the question at me. I was supposed to be at home.

“Same reason as you did.” Bethany answered instead. He shot me a glare that says I told you to keep her out of this. But Bethany stood in between us and said, “Look, I don’t care what’s your problem with me, but Dan is going to get sick too. If you had told me in the first place, you would have gotten here much earlier.”

That shut him up, but not before he shot me another glare that says I’m in big, big trouble. But I stuck out my tongue at him instead.

“Fine. Just don’t get in my way.” After that, he headed back to the ringmaster, telling us not to follow him. He was signing himself up for a fight. I was upset he didn’t want us to follow.

“Why can’t we go with him?” I said to her.

“Everyone knows I’m from the army, and you’re… well, you look like thirteen. They aren’t going to take us seriously. Mark knows what he’s doing.”

I didn’t like her answer, but I’ll stay out since she thinks we’ll be in his way. Even though I know the infected wouldn’t hurt us, I can’t help but worry about him. These people are mobsters, so they probably aren’t nice people.

They talked for a few minutes, and the ringmaster suddenly laughed, and then he looked serious when he saw that Mark was serious. Moments later, the original fight was cancelled. New bets were called to be placed, and Mark was sent to wait outside the cage. On the chalkboard, a runner cleaned off the original odds for betting. They are offering a twenty to one ration cards if Mark took down the infected within thirty seconds. If he didn’t to do in time, or at all, they would be paid two to one. To everyone, the choice was clear – it was free rations and everyone betted against him.

“ARE YOU CRAZY?!” Bethany yelped when she rushed up to Mark. “They would kill you if you lose the match.”

“I won’t lose.” Mark said with a cocky confidence.

Bethany was about to flare when I grabbed her arm and said, “We are one of them, remember?”

She turned towards the infected and then she looked at Mark. “How the hell did you convince them that you’ll win?”

Mark looked down to her and grinned, “I didn’t. I just told them the two sweet cheeks in that corner would be my collaterals if I lose.” Bethany smacked the back of his head so hard that I could hear a loud thud. She cursed and swore that she should have brought out her magnum rifle when she knew Mark was involved.

We waited outside the arena, watching his emerald green eyes gleam under the dim lights. The crowds were cheering, but obviously not for him. As long as he doesn’t take down the infected within thirty seconds, everyone here would have a windfall. And to my surprised, he even upped the ante when they released four more ‘Olympic runners’ into the cage. If Bethany was angry then, she was absolutely furious right now.

“What was that dumb shit trying to prove?” She shrieked.

“Relax. We’re not going to spend the rest of our lives in a brothel.” I tried to assure her.

“I don’t care if he’s some kind of mutant. He did that on purpose, I tell you!”

Mark turned back and flashed a cocky grin at her. I had never seen this side of him before. Maybe that’s how he’s always been. The Mark I knew was constantly somber and stoic. They must have hated each other, or cared for each other a lot. I don’t know which is which.

At that time, I noticed the crowd had stopped cheering. They should’ve been happy since the stakes were raised against Mark. But they weren’t. Everyone here came to have a good time and perhaps earns some rations. Nobody wanted to witness a slaughter.

The bell rings and he entered. The infected charged at Mark the moment they were released. Bethany cried, “What’s going on? I thought they won’t attack him.”

“Relax, it’s just for show.”

For once, I was glad that I knew Mark better than Bethany did. He wanted to put up a convincing show, and the infected was clearly aiming for the audience behind him. As I had expected, they charged past him, although he looked like he had dodged. The moment they are behind, he hit the back of their necks so hard that you could hear it crack. The crowd grew silent immediately. And before they could register what happened, Mark knock down another one and it fell hard on the face. Everyone was enraptured by the speed he moves. The crowds started cheering.

“I didn’t know the… thing made you so strong.” Bethany said.

“We’re not. We just know where to hit.”

When we turned and looked, Mark grabbed the last one by its neck and twisted it. Despite the fact that everyone lost a fortune, the crowd cheered like they had won the bet.

“I don’t get it. Why are they so happy?” I said.

Bethany didn’t say anything for a moment. She seemed to be overwhelmed, like the crowd. And when speaks, she almost sounded sad, “Because it’s the only time we could win against them.”

The cheering went on for a while. Even the ringmaster dashed into the cage and raised Mark’s hand to join in the roar of victory cheer. And you could tell it wasn’t because Mark just made him incredibly rich. I didn’t understand how profound the impact it had on the people here. People were hugging each other and cried. For some reason, Mark had triggered something that they hadn’t felt for a long time. And it was hope.

I wondered if Mark had planned for this all along, or that he understood the whole symbolism of it, but it did get him what we were after. After the crowd dispersed, Mark was invited into a private room, and this time, he allowed us to follow. Based on the number of bouncers following us, I had a feeling we aren’t going to see the doctor, but someone far more important.

The large man sitting on the arm chair beamed at Mark when we entered. He looked like one of those mobster kingpins I used to see in the movies – loud shirts, loud bling-blings, and an even louder voice. He had expected Mark, but he certainly wasn’t expecting Bethany and me. He growled at his henchmen when we entered.

“What is this chick and kid doing in here?”

“They’re family.” Mark answered.

The man looked at Bethany and asked, “Wife?”

“He wished.” She snarled, before Mark could speak.

He turned to me and said, “Brother?”

But before I could answer, Mark said, “Wife.”

I shot Mark a death glare and he returned with a wicked grin. The man laughed loudly.

“I like your style.” He light up his cigar, “So, I heard that you have been asking around for me?”

We looked puzzled for a moment. Then we realized who we were talking to. This is Jacob Philman. We expected him to be some scientist or doctor. Not a mobster.

“You are Jacob Philman?” Mark said.

“People call me J.P. here. But yes, some knows me by that name. Who do you work for?”

“We don’t work for anyone. Grace sent us here.” Mark took out the letter and passed it to him. J.P. raised an eye, and snatched the letter over from him. After reading for a bit, he sat up straight and sent his henchmen away. It was just the four of us inside the room. He stood up from the giant armchair, circled around us like a shark.

“So it’s true.” He looked at us from head to toe. “That’s why you took down the moaners so easily.”

“Grace said you could help us with our conditions. We thought you’re a doctor or a scientist.” Mark said.

“What? I don’t look like a doctor to you?” He pointed two thumbs at himself and snarled. I was worried that he got offended, but his face softened into a smile. “I used to be a doctor in the old days, for certain discrete families. Now, I’m just a humble businessman.”

“You’re a smuggler.” I said.

“And you’re a smart one.” He said, “But as you can see, smuggling is only one of my many businesses.”

No wonder Grace told us to stay low until we find him. The RIs we’ve been taking were all pilfered goods. And stealing from the army is punishable by death. This man got to have some serious balls or he has a lot of soldiers in his pocket. What does he stuff in their pockets? Definitely not money, for sure. Ration cards?

“Women, booze and entertainment - You’ll be very popular once you have them.” He said, as if reading my mind. “My business thrived because many people owed me favors. If I were to help you, how would you return me the favor?”

“What do you want from us?” Mark said.

“Straight to the point, I like that. I want to take over Olympia. And I want the both of you to help me.”

We sat down at his office while he poured us some whisky. Real whisky, not the ghastly drinks they served at the pubs. J.P. told us that Grace wanted Olympia as an ally because of its strategic location and their ability to manufacture weapons and machineries. The only problem was that Olympia is under Atlantis’ control – That means the soldiers called the shots in this place. If J.P. took over, he would be our ally. That’s why we’re sent here, isn’t it?

Mark and I looked at each other. Grey did tell us he wanted us here for a reason. But we didn’t know their intention was known to J.P. We wondered how much of that was in the letter, or he gathered all that just by looking at us. We have no clear idea what exactly he wanted us to do. But we were desperate for Mark to get some RIs and treatment. So we shook hands, not knowing exactly what we got ourselves into. Neither of us saw the look in Bethany’s face.

After we got out of the place, Mark and Bethany got into a huge fight. Olympia might not be our home, but there are more than a hundred thousand people living in it. The last thing they needed is for people to fight against each other. There will be blood on our hands. Mark said what choice did we have? Wasn’t she the one who said he needs to think about me too? It was kind of surreal that I was left out of the fight, like I’m watching Mom and Dad fight. The parasite is going to affect me and there will be blood on my hands. But Bethany didn’t think it would be my responsibility. And Mark didn’t think it would be my problem. That’s the problem of being sixteen, is that no one takes you seriously.

Day 515

Days after we agreed to be part of J.P’s ‘crew’, Mark and I were reassigned from our jobs. At first I thought he’s going to make us his pimps or something, but our new job is to be ‘research assistants’. Everyone knows that it’s an elite’s job. It was pretty clear by then, that J.P. is far more influential than we thought he is. Even the scientists at the research centers are in his pocket. I was worried that we’re going to become lab rats like Elena – Grey’s unfortunate wife – but J.P. held up his part of the bargain. The letter Grace sent to him contained all the information she had on our medical conditions. And after a few days of taking samples and having all kinds of things poking into our bodies, Mark’s black spots on his shoulders had reduced visibly. It was a tremendous relief to us.

One day, J.P. popped by the medical center to check on us. We were surprised that he walked around the facility, talking to the scientists like he owned the place. Although he dressed and talked like a mobster, he seemed to be keeping up really well with all that science talk. I also noticed that the scientists were rather friendly with him. I’m not sure if that’s how you’re supposed to behave around someone who’s stuffing notes – well, in this case, ration cards – into their pockets.

“It’s just weakened immune system, nothing to worry about!” He beamed at Mark, slapping his shoulders loudly after a rather dry and technical discussion with the scientists. Mark didn’t look impressed, and he said, “You should learn from the young one, he knows how to let things go. All that brooding is not good for you.”

J.P. was right. I don’t know what’s bugging Mark. I thought he should be relieved now that we know the parasite isn’t taking over us or anything. But he still looked as sullen as ever. I wished Tristan is around. He is the only face who doesn’t constantly remind me that it’s the end of the world.

“Err… J.P. Can I ask a favor from you?” I said.

“Favors? I love giving favors! That’s my business.” He said enthusiastically. “What can I do for you?”

“I really missed my brother. And I believed you have some ways to communicate with Sandpoint right? I was wondering if I could pass a message or something?”

“I would love to help, Danny boy. But Grace hasn’t been answering my satellite calls.” He said.

“What happened? Why is she not answering?”

“Relax, things break down all the time these days. It’s been a while since our cables and satellites had maintenance. The north is having a bad winter this year, I heard. We’ll fly over in a month’s time when the weather is good. Perhaps you would prefer to see your brother in person instead?”

I could give him a hug straight away. He looked like Santa Claus to me right now.

“Be careful of accepting too much favors from this man.” The scientist elbowed J.P. in the ribs. “You might end up working in one of his brothels.”

J.P. looked indignant and said. “And there goes your discount!”

I was amused by the whole exchange but Mark looked apprehensive. He normally takes time to warm up to strangers, but he hasn’t warmed up to J.P. at all. I don’t know why, but I’m starting to feel pretty comfortable around him. For the rest of the day, we followed J.P. as he toured around his business operation. It’s our first job as his security escorts – not that he needed escorting since we are still behind the fences. One can never be too careful with all the mysterious outbreaks happening, he said.

If you didn’t know better, you would think J.P. is some kind of mayor around here. Normally, you would need papers and a thorough physical examination every time you get in or out of the stadium island. But all J.P. did was to wave at the guards like old friends, and they let us passed through.

“It looks like you have already taken over Olympia. Why bother with a coup?” Mark said.

“I’m not interested in taking over Olympia. I’m only interested in surviving. People owed me favors, yes, even those in high places. They tolerated me because I keep people happy so they could continue to work them like slaves.”

“And you’re telling me you cared for these people?” Mark said.

“God forbid, no! Having a soul is bad for business.” He grinned. “You know about Operation Tidal Wave? Outposts like ours are kept stocked as long as we are useful. We heard about Sandpoint and a few others that got cut off.” We continued to walk across the drawbridge as J.P. looked at the horde of infected snarling at him behind the fence. And he said, “We could use a lot of the weapons and equipment that we sent to Atlantis to fortify this place, expand it. But no. They said we couldn’t survive without Atlantis’s support. We didn’t have enough resources. But we didn’t need so many resources if we didn’t have so many people. And we didn’t need so many people if we hadn’t needed to run a massive industry like this. You follow me?”

“Jesus, what are you planning to do?” Mark gasped.

“Not genocide, of course.” J.P. looked disgusted. “Settlements like Sandpoint have plenty of land, but not enough people. Arrangements could be made that are… mutually beneficial.”

I looked at Mark. That seemed like exactly what Grace and Grey would have wanted us to do. Mark kept quiet, keeping his thoughts to himself. Once we’re in the industry compound, J.P. showed us how he used the industrial wastes and turned them into alcoholic beverages. The soldiers didn’t need them, it made people happy, and it earned him a tidy profit. He sounded so proud of himself for the brilliant, ‘mutually beneficial’ arrangement, but I whispered to Mark I would never touch the booze here again.

To some people, he was known as Jack Piper, or Jeremy Pullman, or Jean-Paul. He definitely doesn’t look like a Jean-Paul, but nobody cared. He seemed like everybody’s good friend. We are not surprised that he had people from the scavenging team in his pocket. But we were surprised they were collecting herbs for him instead of luxury items.

“You can only get away with that much pilfering and creative book-keeping. No one cares about these wild plants, and besides, it’s good money in the medical business.” J.P. said he used the word ‘money’ as if it still existed. It’s an economy of privileges. I scratch your back, you scratch my back – that’s how things worked here. J.P. told us that in Olympia, only the soldiers and the elites have free access to medical facilities. Unless you get injured during work, or you’re working in a critical function, medical supplies are limited and are therefore ‘prioritized’. So where do all the poor people go to?

“Me.” He said proudly.

“So all those doctors behind those marked windows…” Mark said.

“Are part of my network of ‘associates’.” He smiled broadly.

“Smart. No wonder you never get caught.” Mark grunted. J.P. didn’t catch the sarcasm in his voice, or he didn’t care. As far as he’s concerned, it was a big compliment.

Our ‘job’ was done way before sunset, and J.P. handed us a wad of ration cards like handing candies over to kids. It was way more than we could earn a week. I was all excited about it because there was a skateboard in the central store that I had been eyeing for some time. It was dirt cheap and it looked lonely on the shelf, so I was pretty pissed when Mark said I’m not to use any of it.

When we walked home later that day, Mark looked all sullen again. I thought I made him mad or something, so I asked him if he was okay.

“I was thinking about what Bethany said.” Mark puts a hand on my shoulder. “I wondered if it was the right thing to help J.P.”

“He seemed nice enough. And he promised he won’t hurt anybody.” I shrugged.

“That’s the thing. I can’t figure him out. With Walters, you know what to expect. Payne is no politician, either. But J.P. doesn’t let on who he really is. There’s something he’s not telling us.”

“What do you mean?” I asked.

“He said he wanted to cut down the population in Olympia, send them elsewhere. We don’t have enough fuel or planes for such an exodus. And the two of us couldn’t escort such large numbers either.”

“Maybe he’s still figuring out.” I said.

“I hope so.” He said.

Back at the dormitory, everyone heard about our ‘reassignment’ – it means we had a promotion, or a windfall, or both. We could hardly get past the common area without ‘suggestions’ for us to get some light bulbs, replace the rusty ladder outside, or maybe getting an electric stove. It felt like we had shoved our way through a horde by the time we get inside our room.

“You know, we could use some lights in our room.” Mark slumped onto the bed, folding his hands behind his head. “It’s no fun bumping into sharp corners at night.”

“You need a shave.” I sat on top of him and rubbed his scruffy face.

“I thought you liked it.” He said.

“A few more days and you’re going to look like my Dad.” I said.

“You better start calling me Daddy then.” He grinned and pulled me down to kiss me.

“Mark?” I lifted my head slightly to look at him.

“Yeah?”

“Why are you always mad at Bethany?” I asked him.

For a while, he looked like he was about to say he doesn’t know. But I wasn’t ready to let him clam up on me.

“You still cared for her, don’t you?”

Mark pondered a little, measuring his words carefully before he said. “We had a history, you know right?”

“She told me.”

“Did she tell you we had a son too?” He said.

I was surprised. I shook my head.

“Mom left me when I was young. I hated her for it. And she made me hated myself for giving up on my baby.” Mark muttered softly. “She got pregnant during our first year of college. Said it wasn’t mine. And I believed her. I wanted to believe her. But I should’ve known.”

“That’s why you’re still mad at her?”

He shook his head and sighed. “It’s a good thing that the baby didn’t make it to this world after all.”

Mark hadn’t answered my question.

“Then why?”

Mom said boys can be uncommunicative because they didn’t know what they are feeling. I kept a journal to sort out my own feelings. But Mark just bottled it up. And I’m not sure what will come out from the bottle if I pressed on. A silence hangs over us, and for a moment I thought he’s going to evade my question. But he didn’t.

“Sometimes I pretended the world had always been like this - not knowing if I’m going to live through the week, or even the day. I will be a hunter, a killer, whatever it takes to survive. And it kept me sane, because that’s how things are.” Mark stared at the ceiling, his hardened face slowly melts. He was lost in thoughts for a moment, then he continued.

“But Bethany reminded me of who I was, the people I lost, the times when all I had to worry about was to get up in time for class after a weekend party. And….” He trailed off, looking confused like all his feelings were tangled up like a ball of yarn. He couldn’t find the words to express them.

“And it feels like you suddenly had a lot to deal with?” I asked.

He looked at me a little surprised, and he nodded. “Yeah.”

You can’t mourn for the things you never had. And Mark pretended he never had those things. That’s why seeing Bethany again was hard for him. I realized everyone dealt with loss in our own ways. For me, it was holding on to the memories of the people I loved, remembering who I was. And I realized Mark and I were as different as night and day.

He looked like he was hurting, but his eyes were dry. He said he couldn’t cry anymore, even if he wanted to. I rest my head on his chest, rubbing my face against his fur, feeling his warmth and his heartbeat.

Sometimes, I wished I was older so I know the right things to say. Or maybe smarter like Bethany, who always know what you’re feeling even when you don’t know it yourself. It’s a long way to understand him, but I’m glad that we talked.

I told Mark that it was funny because I too felt like the old world was some made-up fantasy in my head, wondering if any of it really happened. It felt like yesterday when Mom scolded Tristan for all the ‘mysterious’ bathroom stains, and how my brother laughed at me when I started contributing to them. It was only a few months before I met him. And as if puberty wasn’t confusing enough, I was left all alone at the end of the world.

“I wouldn’t have survived if you hadn’t taught me how.” I told him. He taught me how to shoot, how to kill someone, how to find food from the garbage can. I would have been one of those who take the easy way out.

“I wouldn’t have survived too, if I haven’t met you.” Mark runs his fingers over my hair lazily.

“But I didn’t teach you anything.” I said.

“You did, Dan. You did.”