Camping Can Be Fun - 10. Chapter 10

Chapter 10

I slept like a log that night snuggled up to my special guy. I felt safe in his arms and as the birdsong and sunlight drifted into our tent I was reluctant to leave them, but I needed a piss something fierce, so I had to delicately free myself.

I got up, pulled the boxers on that Adam had given me the night before, unzipped the tent and let the fresh morning air welcome me. It was early and no one seemed to be about. I tip toed over to the nearest bush to relieve myself. The grass was still thick with morning dew and it squelched under my bare feet and between my toes. Half way through my business I noticed someone down by the lake, they were a fair distance away, but I knew that profile too well not to recognise it. It was Steven. He was alone.

After I was finished I went back to the tent and got dressed as quietly as I could as Adam was still asleep. I was dressed and leaving the tent when Adam started mumbling.

“Mmmm not Dan… too cute… love him…fuck off…get off my car…”

He rolled over the other way and let out a loud snore.

I laughed as I left the tent thinking about what we had got up to on his car the night before. God knows what he was dreaming. I reminisced all the good moments we had shared so far, trying to ignore the bad. Who would have thought you could be so happy in the midst of something so tragic?

As I approached the lake my instincts were confirmed and Steven was perched on the edge of a large boulder a few feet back from the lake.

I was tactless in my greeting as I tried to salvage our friendship from the day before.

“Room for one more?” I asked, as I took the remaining edge of the boulder, trying to be upbeat.

I startled him and he flinched when he looked at me. He looked close to tears. First thing in the bloody morning and someone was about to cry…again!

“Oh Steven! Come here you idiot.” I took him into my arms and he cried into my shoulder. “Shhhh, come on big guy, it’s going to be ok. It’s not as bad as it seems.”

“No?”

“No,” I said soothingly.

He pulled away from me aggressively.

“Why don’t you hate me?” he demanded, rubbing his eyes. “After what I’ve done to you… Adam should have let me die.”

“Steven, don’t say that.”

“Well he should have. It makes me feel worse that you’ve forgiven me. I don’t deserve it. I’ll never be able to forgive myself for that.”

“And maybe that’s all the punishment you need. I can’t hate you Steven, you’re my best friend…I love you… I always will. Maybe it’s better that we can’t be together; we’re like brothers, it would ruin our friendship.”

“I’ve already done that.”

“No you haven’t. I’m here aren’t I? I’ll always be here. The only thing I ask of you is to be honest. You can’t lie to Lisa anymore, or to yourself. Look what it’s doing to you.”

He shook his head and looked back out at the lake, so peaceful and undisturbed this morning, its surface shimmering like glass against the rising sun.

“I know Dan, but it’s so hard. Everything is going to change.”

“Don’t you think I worry about the same things?” I offered, trying to draw on the similarities of our situation.

“Yea, but it’s different for you, you’ve got Adam,” he replied, upset.

“And you’ve got me; we can go through this together.”

He didn’t say anything and continued to stare out at the lake.

“Hey!” I said playfully punching his shoulder. He didn’t respond

I punched him again, harder this time and he looked at me, a slight smile creeping into the sides of his mouth. He punched me back and I tried to punch him again but he caught my arm and pulled me off the boulder. I broke free of his grip and backed away from him ready to wrestle. He charged at me and knocked me off my feet and we rolled around, each trying to pin the other, laughing all the while. He eventually tired me out and pinned me to the ground as we giggled like school girls. It was nice to see him happy again. He was so handsome when he smiled. Shit! I think we both felt it around the same time. Our eyes locked and our giggling nervously subsided until we were laying there, him on top, breathing heavily and trying to fight the urge to kiss. There was tightness in my chest, the same tightness I feel with Adam. It was like a hunger and he was so close I could almost taste him.

He let me go and quickly got to his feet, dusting himself off. I did the same. I thought the moment had passed and we had got away with it when he grabbed me again.

“I’m sorry,” he said, before pressing his lips to mine.

I didn’t fight him. I returned his kiss. It lasted a few seconds.

“We can’t Steven.”

“I know. I just… you felt it too.”

“But we can’t. I shouldn’t have kissed you back. We can’t do this. We’ve managed to not do anything about our feelings for years; we’re just going to have to keep ignoring them. I’m sorry.”

“I get it. I shouldn’t have done it. I know it’s wrong and selfish. Adam is a good guy; I owe him my life…well at least what’s left of it. It won’t happen again. But I’ll be waiting Dan. If it doesn’t work out with you and him, surely we have to give it a go?”

“Steven…” I began exasperated.

“Don’t say anything, just let me believe.”

“That’s not fair to you.”

“Just let me believe,” he pleaded.

“I can’t stop you from believing. I just think you’re being cruel to yourself. You’re a nice guy Steven and you’re kinda hot too… you’ll have no problem finding someone when you start being honest and put yourself out there a bit.”

“I don’t want anyone else,” he said stubbornly.

“You don’t bloody know anyone else. Can we please just draw a line under things? No more talking like this. No more stealing kisses. I want to be a good boyfriend to Adam. You’re making that very hard.”

“Trust me; you make lots of things hard,” he said flirtatiously

I rolled my eyes in frustration.

“What? Come on that’s funny. I’m not allowed to make jokes now?”

After I pretended to be annoyed at him, he eventually gave in and promised to behave himself. He also promised that he was going to do the right thing and tell Lisa the truth…today. I felt bad for him, but deep down I knew it was the right thing for him to do. Lisa deserved to move on and find someone who loved her.

The camp was slowly coming to life as people were waking up and getting breakfast on the go. The smell of bacon was unmistakeable as we approached Adams pitch and sure enough Karl was frying away over the fire. He greeted us with good mornings, but I could feel he was on edge with Steven after what I’d told him. The last thing I wanted was for Steven to feel like an outcast. He already felt lonely enough. Karl didn’t say anything untoward though and eventually relaxed, offering us bacon sandwiches, which we gratefully accepted. Soon Joey joined us and eventually my lazy boyfriend surfaced. He still looked tired and his hair was flattened on one side by the way he’d been laying.

He let out a huge yawn and stretched. “Mooooooorning!”

We greeted each other with a kiss, and I felt everyone’s eyes on me…especially Stevens. I ignored the reaction and tried to carry on as normal, but it was clear that everyone was treading on eggshells, unsure about what to say or how to manage the situation.

From where I was sitting I had a clear vantage point of Lisa’s and Steven’s tent. I had sat there deliberately so that I could keep an eye out and it was me who spotted her coming out of her tent first. I nudged Steven, and nodded in Lisa’s direction.

“Now?” he asked me under his breath, the colour draining from his cheeks and being replaced by pale fear.

“Like ripping a band aid off man, just get it over with.” I tried to sound sympathetic.

He took a deep breath and got to his feet. He gave me one last fleeting glance, before turning and walking over to his pitch.

Adam, Karl and Joey sat there staring at me, their eyes practically popping out of their heads.

“He’s not is he?” asked Adam first.

“He is, well at least I hope he is,” I replied, following Steven with my eyes.

We all watched on as Steven began speaking to Lisa, anxiously waiting for something to happen. Five minutes passed, then ten.

“He’s not doing it, he’s chickened out,” said Joey.

“Shhh,” said Karl, silencing us again.

Lisa started shouting and pushing Steven as he tried to control her and calm her down. We all looked at each other worriedly. It was hard to make out what she was shouting, but one word kept standing out. “WHY?”

Lisa started gesturing towards us and began marching over, Steven tried to stop her, but she was having none of it.

“What the fuck is going on Dan?” she demanded, confronting me and pressuring me.

I looked from Steven to Lisa to Adam. Steven had his hands on his head looking lost and mostly terrified. Adam was nonplussed, and neither of them offered me any assistance.

“You tell me,” I replied.

“This dick is breaking up with me and won’t tell me why. Perhaps you can?”

“Lisa, I don’t want to get involved. I think you should try to calm down and take this somewhere private.”

“Calm down? CALM DOWN? Do you think I’m an idiot? I know you know what’s going on Dan. I wouldn’t be surprised if you all knew. I deserve to know, now just tell me. Is there someone else? Is he cheating on me? Did I do something wrong? What is it?”

“Dan, please don’t do this,” Steven began pleading.

“Do what? WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?” she demanded again.

“Dan…” said Steven looking heart-broken.

“She deserves to know Steven,” I said with a heavy heart.

I felt like I was betraying Steven; that as his friend I should be covering for him, but this was serious; this was worse than the little white lies you tell for friends to get them off the hook with their girlfriends. This was complete fraud. He was completely deceiving her. He didn’t love her; he didn’t want to be with her. In a sense I’m doing him a favour.

“Daniel please…” he begged me. I shook my head.

“I’m sorry Steven, this ends now. Lisa…” Steven turned away his head in his hands as I began to speak to her. I gave him one last glance. “I’m sorry. Steven… Lisa… Steven’s gay.”

She looked ready to laugh.

“What? Don’t be bloody stupid he’s not g…” She only had to look at him once to realise I was telling her the truth. He was the definition of guilty. “What?” She looked hurt and confused. “I don’t understand…Steven?” she asked becoming more high pitched than usual, the quaver in her voice suggesting an air of vulnerability.

He couldn’t look her in the face. Stevens’s eyes were firmly fixed on his shoes. He looked like a lost little boy being scolded by his teacher.

“Steven, at least have the decency to look at me!” she demanded with more emotion creeping into her voice than she would have liked.

Steven lifted his head to look at her, with puppy dog eyes, but their charms, for once, were not going to work. She stepped up to him and took his face in her hands as she stared into his soul, looking for answers.

“All this time?” she asked.

“…I’m sorry.”

She let go and turned on me again. I wasn’t expecting it.

“It’s you isn’t it!” She pushed me hard in the chest almost knocking me over. “He’s leaving me to be with you. Oh my God, it’s so fucking obvious now. He never stops going on about you. I mean I know we’ve never been close Dan, but how could you do this to me?”

“No… I… we haven’t…”

Adam came to my rescue as she started pushing me again.

“Whoa calm down, it’s not Dan’s fault. He’s with me, there is nothing going on between him and Steven,” said Adam standing between me and Lisa to keep her from going for me again.

I suddenly felt really guilty for that kiss earlier. Adam would not be happy if he found out.

When Lisa couldn’t get to me, she turned back on Steven becoming more and more frustrated and violent. It started with a hard slap across Steven’s face and then a flurry of punches, most of which caught Steven’s face and chest. Joey and Karl stepped in to split up the fight, which was all one-sided, Karl literally dragging Lisa away from everyone and down towards the lake, Joey chasing after an emotional Steven. Adam stayed with me.

“Well that could have gone better,” I said, trying to remain upbeat.

“More drama… it seems to follow you about,” Adam replied.

“Only since you turned up,” I corrected.

“Maybe we’re no good for each other,” he said rather seriously, his expression deadpan.

I was taken aback by his sudden change of heart. “You really think that?” I asked, a sick feeling rising in my stomach. I think it was fear.

He tried to remain straight faced, but broke into a smile. “God, you’re so easy to fuck with.”

I broke into a smile myself and playfully pushed him. “Dick!”

I turned to see where Karl had taken Lisa and saw them pretty close to where I’d spoken to Steven earlier. He seemed to be holding her, comforting her. I tried to imagine how she must feel. She obviously really liked Steven, she was besotted… she may have even loved him. To find out that everything they had shared, the kisses, the sex, the words of affection, everything that their relationship was built on was all lies, must have been heart-breaking.

“Did I do the right thing?” I asked Adam, genuinely afraid.

“You did what you had to do,” he replied sombrely.

“What does that even mean?”

“You’re a good person Dan. You did what you thought was right. I’m proud of you for that. It probably was the right thing. I guess you have to be cruel to be kind sometimes. You certainly didn’t take the easy way out. You stuck to your morals and that’s just one more thing to love you for. At least I know you’ll never lie to me,” he said with a smile.

This only added to my guilt for the secret kiss. I couldn’t hold it in I had to tell him.

“I kissed Steven this morning,” I blurted out rather quickly. “I’m sorry. I’ve told him it can’t happen again. I didn’t mean to, it just happened.”

“Oh!” he replied, dazed.

“Please don’t be mad, it’s nothing… it won’t happen again… I just thought you should know. Are you mad?”

“More exasperated,” he said. He looked disappointed in me. “That’s twice in two days you’ve kissed him. I know that yesterday wasn’t really your fault, but still. You told me you kissed him back and now you’ve done it again? I hate to tell you this Dan, but I’m not going to keep fighting for you. It’s not that you’re not worth fighting for, it’s just I’m always going to be second best to him. I can’t do it. Maybe we’re not good for each other after all.”

This was all becoming very serious very quickly. I honestly thought he’d accept my apology and that would be the end of it. I struggled to collect myself; I needed to reason with him.

“But it was nothing. It meant nothing; it was just a stupid kiss.”

“I thought you didn’t lie?” he asked, eyebrows raised. “You love him. You’ve loved him for a long time. You obviously want him, but you can’t have both of us, so choose. Who do you want to be with, me or Steven?”

I hesitated. I couldn’t help but think about the question; because he was right…a part of me did want to and had always wanted to be with Steven.

“I…” I tried to reply, but he cut me off with a half cough, half laugh noise.

“I already have my answer,” he said before looking at me thoroughly, seemingly taking in all my features one last time, as though he wanted to remember me just the way I was. He smiled at me. “I’d like to be alone right now,” he said, making things even more awkward. He was asking me to leave.

“But Adam…”

“Please just go.”

“Fucking hell Adam, you can’t just break up with me.”

“FUCK OFF!” His words rang out cold and hard. They pierced through me like piping hot blades.

I swallowed hard and moved towards him with my arms outstretched to hold him. He swatted me away roughly. I stared at him blankly then tried again to the same end. I became more forceful, grabbing hold of his wrists, but he tugged hard and broke free and brought his fists up as if ready to fight.

“What are you doing?” I asked, appalled. “You’re going to hit me now? Is that how you solve all your problems?” I spat at him.

“I should have let my problems drown last night in a river.”

His comment took my breath away and I just froze, gawping at him opened mouthed.

He tried to take it back. “I didn’t mean that. I shouldn’t have said that. I’m just angry.”

His retraction made no difference to me, the damage had been done.

“I really am sorry for kissing him. I love you. I would have chosen you…” I teared up, choking on my words. “I would have chosen you.”

I turned on my heels and sped off crying yet again. I swear I’d never cried as much in my whole life as I had on this trip.

I wandered aimlessly through fields and woodland with no destination in mind. Where was I going to go? I was in the middle of nowhere. Eventually the tears ceased to fall and the moping set in. I felt like a hard done by character in a rom com, or a Disney film, but this wasn’t some stupid movie, it was reality and I was being a complete bastard messing Adam around like this. Kissing someone else is basically cheating and the fact that it was Steven just made everything worse.

I had hit the nail on the head earlier. Being with Steven would ruin our friendship. I had waited all this time for Steven and if I really loved him then some guy I had met five minutes ago surely wouldn’t make a difference. Adam wasn’t some guy though, he’s my guy… or at least he was. I must actually love him for him to make me feel like this, like for real love him. If it wasn’t love it wouldn’t be so hard, he wouldn’t have been able to steal my heart like this. What if that’s it? What if he doesn’t want to be with me anymore? Have I lost his trust?

I walked for what felt like days. I found parts of the area I had never seen before. It was so beautiful. I’d gone off the beaten track so to speak, and the place was riddled with wildlife, rabbits, the odd bird of prey, I’d even spotted a deer grazing before, but it heard me and darted off like a shot. If only Adam was here to enjoy it with me. My tantrum over, I turned straight back towards camp. I’d been gone hours; we’d both had time to cool down. I needed to see him again to make things better.

It didn’t take me too long to get back. Although I had been walking for ages, I had been circling the area, more than walking away from it. I was crossing the first field I had wandered into at the beginning of my walk when I spotted Steven sat in the grass at the far end, his back against a stone wall that separated the field from the campsite. It looked like he was both hiding and feeling sorry for himself. I couldn’t just walk past him, so I altered my trajectory so that I could say hi.

I sat beside him similar to the way I had done this morning by the lake, but this time I didn’t say anything. Neither did he. We just sat there side by side in silence. Out of nowhere he leaned his head against my shoulder in a “love me, comfort me” way. To be honest I was feeling similar and returned the gesture, leaning my head against his and closing my eyes. And so we sat there, each silently comforting the other for a while. It was peaceful, almost romantic.

“I’ve really fucked up haven’t I?” he asked, rousing me from my nap.

“Nah… It could be worse.”

We both started chuckling at this. It was so not true. At least we still had each other.

“You don’t hate me do you, for telling her?” I asked him.

“Nah… I’m more disappointed for not having the balls to do it myself. I’m not as tough as I thought I was.”

“How is she taking it?”

“She’s gone completely insane, as you would expect. She’s called her brother to come and pick her up, so I’m expecting him to show up any minute now to kick my ass.”

“We won’t let him… are you hiding?” I asked him with a smirk.

“No!” he replied, trying to look hard but coming across as a little embarrassed. He recognised my knowing stare. “Yes, maybe a little. I’m not afraid of getting my ass kicked, but I’m ashamed of what I’ve done to Lisa, I really am and I’m embarrassed to face other guys. Especially people like Lisa’s smug brother who never liked me in the first place, and now think they’re better than me because I’m a pathetic little cock sucker. It makes me feel like less of a man.”

“Don’t let it make you feel that way. Don’t let other people make you feel that way. You’re not ok? Neither am I. It’s just a part of who we are. We are still guys at the end of the day. It doesn’t make us any less manly. Look at it this way, we’re that manly one cock isn’t enough for us, we need at least two.”

He cracked up at my joke and rolled over in laughter. His laughter made me laugh, and soon we were both rolling about like idiots on top of each other.

We were interrupted by the sound of someone clearing their throat. I looked up to see Adam. It was then I realised how compromising the situation looked.

“Adam!” I said in surprise. “This… we were just… it’s not what it…”

“Save it.” He cut me off. “Lisa’s brother is here.” He spoke to Steven, not me. “She wants to speak to you before she goes. I think you owe her that at least.”

Adam looked at me with hurt in his eyes and let out the same half cough, half laugh he had earlier. “Typical,” he said. He turned and left.

“Are you two ok?” asked Steven

“I don’t know,” I replied, getting to my feet and pulling Steven to his. “I told him about our kiss. I didn’t want to keep things from him. He didn’t take it well. We sort of split up, but I didn’t think we really had ‘split up’. I was hoping it was just a fight, that he’d forgive me. Now I’m not so sure. He says he doesn’t want to fight for me, because he knows he’ll always come second best to you.”

“Is that true? Will he?” he asked hopefully.

“I don’t know,” I answered truthfully, shrugging my shoulders and shaking my head. I turned from him, walking back towards camp.

I had to get moving, because I felt another kiss was on the cards and it really wasn’t what I needed right now.

Oh my God I’m so confused!

When we got back to camp Lisa was packing her stuff into the trunk of her brother’s car. As soon as he saw Steven he made a beeline for him, Lisa calling out after him.

“Bryce, please don’t make a scene, it’s not worth it, let’s just go,” she shouted, but he ignored her.

He pushed past me with unnecessary force and raised his fist to punch Steven as he approached him. He swung for him, but Steven was too quick and was able to duck in time. This carried on for a while, Bryce throwing punches, but Steven dodging and parrying his attacks.

“Calm down Bryce. I’m not gonna fucking let you hit me,” he said, breathlessly, dancing away from yet another punch, “but if you carry on, I’ll put you on your ass.”

I may have failed to mention that Steven had been into martial arts for years and could handle himself fairly well. He’d been in his fair share of fights growing up.

“And then what? Will you try to fuck me, you little faggot?” shouted Bryce swinging his fists wildly.

He’d been warned. Steven’s punch came out of nowhere and looked sort of pathetic in comparison to Bryce’s huge swings, but it was thrown with deadly accuracy and landed square on Bryce’s right temple. He immediately sparked out and fell to the ground.

“For fuck’s sake Bryce, I fucking told you,” said Steven, even more stressed than what he had been when he was dodging the attacks.

Lisa ran over to her brother to help him.

“Lisa, I didn’t mean to hurt him; I didn’t even hit him that hard. You should have stopped him,” reasoned Steven.

“You shouldn’t have been fucking your little boyfriend behind my back,” she spat back.

“Lisa I haven’t cheated on you. There’s nothing going on between me and Dan. He’s with Adam.”

“That’s not entirely true though is it? And for the record, we’re not together anymore,” said Adam with malice.

I gave him a look of confusion. “Why are you doing this?” I asked him.

“Because you’ve hurt me Daniel! How am I meant to feel? I’ve been completely honest and open with you. I’ve shared so much with you. I’ve told you how I feel about you. One minute you’re telling me you’re in love with me too, the next you’re sneaking off to be with him. You’re a dick. I can’t trust you; I’ll always be second best.”

The tears were welling up in my eyes again. “That isn’t true; I haven’t been sneaking off with anyone. I’ve been honest with you too. Look where it’s got me. Yes I have feelings for Steven, yes we’ve had a couple of confusing moments, but this has been the most hectic and chaotic weekend of my entire life, my heads all over the place. I am not cheating on you and I’m not choosing him over you.”

“What about just now then? I caught you red handed, you were all over each other.”

“We’re friends!” I screamed at him. “We’re just friends!”

“Oh for fucks sake Dan, stop kidding yourself. You’re in love with him. You may not realise it, but everyone else can see it,” he said gesturing to everyone in our group. “Especially me. I’m not going to get in the way of that.” Your phone got soaked in the river, so you’ve probably lost my number, if not delete it yeah? Don’t look for me on Facebook or any shit like that, don’t try to contact me again in any way. Just fuck off and live happily ever after, because do you know what? I can’t hate you, I actually want you to be happy and if I can’t make you happy I hope he can.”

Before Adam’s emotions could get the better of him, he set off in the direction of the field he’d found us in. He actually broke into a run as he got halfway there. Joey ran off after him. I broke down crying. I looked over at Karl for some support, but he looked livid with me. I felt like everyone completely hated me.

“See what you’ve caused you little shit? It looks like you fucked everything up for everyone,” said Lisa starting on Steven again.

Bryce started coming round a little groggy at first, but when he realised what had happened and where he was he was furious, however he didn’t dare stand up to Steven again. Instead he got into his car, against everyone’s advice and wishes after having just been knocked out. He ordered his sister to get in too.

“I thought you wanted to talk to me,” said Steven as Lisa was getting into her brothers car.

“No Steven, I never want to speak to you ever again.”

They both drove away at speed, leaving me, Steven and Karl alone together. Steven tried to comfort me and put his arm around me, but I pushed him away.

“No Steven, we don’t want people to think we’re fucking again do we?” My comment was completely aimed at Karl who was still drawing me daggers.

“Don’t fucking start on me Dan!” he retaliated.

This was the first time he’d ever shown any signs of aggression. I backed down immediately. I couldn’t argue with him. He was the mediator of the group and never picked fights or arguments with anyone. In fact I’d go as far as to say that he was the most peaceful, chilled out guy I’d ever met.

He continued “I’m mad at you too. He’s my best friend and you’ve hurt him. My allegiance is with him; you fuck with my friends, you fuck with me. I honestly don’t know why you’re doing this to him, you were good together.

I started crying again. “I’m not doing anything; I love him, you’ve got to believe me Karl. I’m not cheating on him. What the fuck man? Why is this happening? Me and Steven, I swear to God we’re just friends.”

I started sobbing. I was completely losing my shit. I was becoming an emotional wreck. Karl suddenly came bounding over to me and embraced me. Finally someone believed me.

“It’s not me you have to convince,” he said as he hugged me. “Now stop fucking crying! If you care about him then it’s time for you to man up and go and sort this out like adults.”

“He doesn’t want to speak to me, you heard what he said.”

“He’ll listen. He’s mad about you. He won’t be able to help himself.”