Life behind Hazel Eyes - 13. In All Honesty

Woke up with the sun in my face again, I wasn’t even mad this time. I didn’t feel like being angry. I just felt bleh to everything. I managed to get up, walk to the bathroom and take a shower. I stood under the shower for a minute without scrubbing myself, just letting the water run down my body. Not a great idea considering the fact that my hair is a mission impossible to maintain. Why do I even still have hair? Mental note: cut hair as soon as possible. I eventually got out the shower and went to go get dressed.

My closet looked depressing; all I saw were different shades of black, a hint of grey, a touch of denim and that rare smidge of colour. Why was everything so dull? Oh, right let’s not think about that. But it was hard to escape it. It was hard to run from the one thing that kept creeping up on me. Maybe I needed a drive. Yeah, that’s all I needed. With my thoughts doing a number on me, I decided to get dressed in just jeans and a t-shirt, and walked downstairs to get into my car. I saw no one in the hallway; I saw no signs of life at all, guess everyone was still in bed. I started the car and drove, don’t ask where I was going. All I knew was I wanted to get away. I started to think about the dream that got me so depressed.

It started off with just blackness, and I was happy with that, but then it transformed. In the blackness I saw a figure running merrily in a familiar place. I walked closer to try and identifying the person. As I approached it started to become lighter and I noticed that the place was my backyard; the happy person threw a Frisbee to me and I caught it. The Frisbee was orange with ‘fun in the sun’ written on it, then I threw it back at the unidentified person. He or she caught it and threw it a bit further back, the person and I tossed the Frisbee a few more times before I got curious and walked toward the person. He started running, yes it was a he, and it had to be; the body couldn’t be female. The man in my dream and I start running around in the yard, and well, I wanted to see who he was, but he ran from me. To him it was a game and I too was having some fun but I was growing impatient, as I ran I tripped and fell. I fell so hard that I bruised my knee. Why was I wearing shorts? As I tried to get up, my mystery man came and picked me up.

“You such a klutz, Khail,” said the soothing voice as he lifted me up. I looked up to confirm my suspicion and I was right, it was Brian. His smile comforting, he picked me up and carried me to a chair that had miraculously materialised out of nowhere. I sat down and he stretched my leg out.

“Don’t worry. I’ll take care of you; just make sure you stay still so your Clyde can make his Bonnie feel better.” Good God, why had I ever said that he and I were the gay Bonnie and Clyde? Now even in my dreams the idea haunted me. All the time he was tending to my bruise all I could think was how wonderful he was. How my baby only wanted to take care of me and be with me. Once he put a plaster on me, we managed to continue playing around. At some stage he had me on his back asking if I had his back, because all he wants is someone to guard his back, that’s why he had me on it. We played merrily, how I wished that the playfulness would never end. I got off his back and he told me he had to run to the bathroom; I allowed him and waited outside. It had been a long time since Brian had gone inside the house, so I decided to go in after him. I opened the door to the house and to my surprise the door opened up to a church, Brian was in the church too. He was standing at the front of the church in a beautiful tux, with a priest to his side, Wait, was it true? Was I getting married to Brian in my dream? Oh how this dream was toying with me, I was looking at Brian and all the guests as I stood at the entrance to the church. I stood in the aisle waiting for my cue to walk in, and as if the organ player heard my thoughts, he played the typical ‘here comes the bride’. I started to walk but I couldn’t move, every time I tried to move nothing happened, but I felt a cold chill go straight through my body. The chill was accompanied by a white gown walking through me; I felt nothing but slight discomfort and shock. No, someone else was getting married to Brian and I was in the way. I stood there and watched as this woman went to go take my place. I tried to move once more but still nothing, I tried to scream so the proceedings would stop, but my voice didn’t work. So, I stood still and watched as the only man I loved got hitched to some girl. I woke up just as the married couple was about to walk towards me and I recognised the girl; she was the same one he had left me for not so long ago.

What had gotten me the most depressed was that the whole scene playing was an actual memory from when Brian and I were together. One day after school we had an idea to go swimming and we just went crazy playing with each other and goofing around. It was one of our unexpected dates, and it was one of the most beautiful dates ever. It was filled with a spirit that had become the theme for our relationship (fun and spontaneity). I remembered that on our one-year anniversary he looked at me and said, “I know I’m older than you, and what I’m going to say might be selfish, but when we get to our seventh anniversary I want us to get engaged and living together. I think you’ll be around twenty-three or about to turn twenty-three. Either way you’ll be legal and we can be together forever." I drove without any idea as to where I was going. I just took turns that I’d always wondered where they led. Instead of the conventional right turn I took a left and if I had taken a left before getting onto a street I’d take a left on the next one. I was trying to get lost, get away from all that I knew. After thirty or so minutes of driving around I somehow ended up in Zoo Lake. A park that was a couple of minutes’ drive from the restaurant, maybe I was looking for an excuse to drive by work, but I never went in. I hate going into work on Sundays; it makes me feel bad that we are open and the staff cannot be home with their families.

Walking across the park to the lake that lay flat on the horizon, my thoughts about the dream emerged. Oh goodness, why now? Why was I having these thoughts now? This is that year; this is the year we were supposed to get engaged. I was so emotional, just thinking about it, I just wanted away from the memory and away from the house that bore it when I have nothing to distract me? At least if David was still a thing, I’d have called him and have him fuck the misery away, but that was not going to happen. If I had the play to worry about, maybe I’d… If only ‘ifs’ and ‘buts’ made a difference in the world. I made it to the lake; I looked at how the sun reflected on the mucky surface. The water wasn’t completely mucky, it was just that there was some algae on the surface, but the sun still found a way to glisten and make it seem beautiful. I noticed a broken boat on the riverbed and walked to go sit on it. I continued to look at how the water glistened and admire the balance between beauty and muck. The way the sun shone through was just so poetic, that I started to just switch off. My thoughts went off on their own tangent.

Does your heart ever thing of mine? Does it ever beat knowing it once beat in the same rhythm as mine? Does it ever remember the times it used to beat so fast when our eyes met? Do you remember my smile at the very sound of your voice? Remember the love we made in the most beautiful of spots. You took me and showed me what physical love was. I remember when we made love under the stars at the beach in Durban. You told me that, that was how I knew it was real; having the stars and the angels watch as we made love. I know it’s easy for love to form and for it to end. I know it’s hard for music to live without a memory, for every melody sounds like the promises you made to me. The nights I’d spent thinking of the nights you made me sing to you are plenty to make their own year. In all honesty, I was never ready for you to be far from me. But I’ll never say this to you, because you were once so close and you threw me away. You were once my all, but now all you are is away from me.

I sat and felt tears caress my cheeks. How could I be that weak? One dream, that’s all it took, one dream and it all came crumbling down. David was supposed to make me forget about him, fuck me into forgetting about these feelings for him. I continued to look at the lake and noticed two birds flying together. I hope they aren’t lovers; poor girl will have to suffer with a broken heart when he leaves her for another bird. I got off the boat I was on and looked up to the sky and noticed something. I was seated under a Wild Olive tree. The creamy white flowers decorated the grass and the tree in such a beautiful manner that it made me just stand and look up. I was starting to get a sort of happy feeling in me when I noticed the smaller and more beautiful things that surrounded me. I started to walk away from the tree and took a little stroll around the park. See what I’d find; see what beauty was to be discovered. I had no idea what the time was, all I knew was that I’d been gone from home for quiet sometime now and I knew the rents would freak if they woke up with me gone, again. So I stopped in the middle of my tracks and made my way back to the car, my pace was still without haste. My thoughts were still depressing; many memories had started to come back to me.

The most frequent one was of our trip to Durban. His sister was getting married that weekend, so he’d invited me as his friend to join him. Both our parents agreed, and we were set for what was to us a ‘free romantic getaway’. The wedding was not far from the beach and the accommodation we were staying at had been within a two-minute walk away from the shore. The sand dunes were beautiful, and each day we spent there was fabulous. Brian and I would bond by making fun of everything. It was unfortunate that we ‘kids’ were all booked into one six-person room, that meant he and I had no intimacy. Which I didn’t mind, I was enjoying having him around and being with him. He and I were destined not to mate that weekend, but strangely enough he found a way to get us to be alone. The Saturday was the day of the wedding and everyone was giddy and celebratory, the reception carried on until the early hours but the ‘kids’ got sent to sleep at around ten. Brian managed to pull me and tell me that we’d take a stroll on the beach; all I had to do was wait for him outside behind a billboard. I did as instructed and it took him five minutes to get back to me. He had a bag with him, and when I asked what was in the bag he told me not to worry. We finally reached a spot between the sand dunes and he opened the bag to take out a towel, laid it out and we looked up at the stars. We spoke and kissed and finally he took my virginity. He told me that our relationship was sanctioned by the stars and heavens.

I felt tears stream down my face again, strange how I was crying without any actual sound coming out of my mouth. I took a few deep breaths and tried to stop the tears. I was almost home and I didn’t want the ‘rents’ to get worried. I still had no idea what the time was, my phone had been at home the whole time and my car radio never had the correct time; it just blinked an eternal midnight. I started to formulate a lie for anyone that would ask, but nothing believable came from my mind. Guess I was just going to shrug it off.

I made it home, walked through the front door, and once I was in realised how the inhabitants weren’t in the main areas that they usually occupied. I thought them asleep. I walked upstairs to get to my room and noticed my door was open. I stopped and calculated whether or not to enter the room. But I was too tired to be standing around in the hallway, thus I walked into the room and found Matt standing by my window.

“Matt?” I asked with an arched eyebrow and confusion in my voice.

“I’m sorry for being in your room, but I was in here earlier to say thanks for last night, and then I had breakfast, but you were gone. Then I came back twice within the past hour to see if you’d come back, but…” He shrugged. “I think I wanted to make sure you were safe.”

“By standing and staring outside my window?” I asked as I threw myself on the bed.

“I just got here now; I was looking for clues as to where you were. But I noticed your phone was still here and thought you were out for a jog. Your dad said you do that on Sundays,” he said as he made his way to the foot of my bed and sat.

“Where are they by the way?” I asked while I rolled over on my side.

“They said something about going to book tickets for Cape Town and then going out for lunch because you stood your mother up today, and she was going to spend time with your dad instead.” Matt was sounding rather concerned but I had no time to unwind on him and tell him about my life story. Hypocritical right?

“Okay, I’m going to sleep now,” I said burying my face into the pillow.

“Mikhail?” He said cautiously.

“Matt?” I replied.

“I’m here for you if you need anything. After you… you know… took me in and everything, just know that,” he said as he patted me on my back.

“Thanks Matt. I’ll call you when I wake up so we can talk about yesterday,” I said as I turned around to look at him. I smiled and he shot me an even warmer grin before he walked away and left me in silence.

I kept my head on my bed; I tried to sleep but I couldn’t imagine a moment in my dreams where I’d be away from Brian. I got up and made sure to close the door, walked over to my mp3 player, played my ‘depressed music’ playlist, and set the volume on low and started to chime along. I was on the floor with my eyes glued to the ceiling. The biggest waterworks came during Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game. I repeated the song at least three times, each time I tried to sing it without crying. I failed on all three occasions, so with blood-red eyes and determination I switched my mp3 player off and walked out of my room. I stormed off to go to the entertainment room where we our grand piano was. If I was going to sing this song, I was going to sing it right, I was going to play it for myself in my own way and NOT cry. I struck the first few cords of the song, and took a deep breath. Up until that point I had never tried to arrange or rearrange a song; I was good at playing what I was told, not improvising. Needless to say I backed out of trying to find a new arrangement for the song. I tried to think of the chords of the song and play those on the piano. It took me a few tries before I got something going. I started singing the lyrics as I played on; I was surprised by the fact that I wasn’t crying. I know that was the point, but I was still surprised that it worked. It must’ve been the need to concentrate that outweighed the need to cry. Not that my voice didn’t reveal the actual emotion of sorrow. I continued to play and when I got to the final verse I played a few stray chords, and when I stopped I sang the last four songs in a higher register than I intended.

“Nobody loves no one.”

I felt a trickle of tears come out, I was about to get frustrated by the tears and the fact that my last ‘verse’ came out in a way I hadn’t plan. I was ready to scream and shout about everything, but I heard someone clap. I was about to turn around but I realised the tears where still coming out.

“Want me to sing you another song?” I asked my audience member as I tried to wipe my face before I turned around to see who it was.

“Yeah, if you don’t mind. You should’ve told me you can sing.” It was Matt; a sigh of relief came over me. Just Matt, he could see me exposed all he wanted. Just as long as my parents didn’t see me breakdown, I was happy.

“I never tell anyone, they always just find out.” I was stalling trying to figure out what to play. I was going for something less depressing. I thought for a minute while I just played some arrangement I had been taught when I was thirteen.

“How would you like to hear some Zhane?” I asked as I finally got a song that I really loved singing. “It’s a bit depressing but my piano skills aren’t so great that I can play up tempo songs.” I managed to turn and glance at him this time. I saw him look at me with concern but he held back and just told me to go ahead. So I did and I enjoyed myself and instead of bursting into tears I found myself smiling.

“So, do you believe that?” Matt asked as I closed the piano and turned to look at him.

“Believe what?” I asked.

“That whole ‘everything happens for a reason’ hogwash?” he enquired.

“Kind of, but I love that song because…” I stopped realising why I loved and why the song made me feel better. “Well, because at some time and some point you’ll go through something and you’ll understand that there was a reason you went through it. It will either break or make you, but there’s a reason for it. What that reason is, is totally up to you.” I tried to give him a smile once I was done.

“Want to talk about it?” he queried, walking closer to me.

“Not sure if it will help,” I said as I realised that I’d probably just killed the vibe. Not sure if there was much of a vibe before, but hey. I saw him walk up to me, and he pulled me up and I allowed him. He just put his arms around me and just gave me one of the warmest hugs ever.

“I know you're strong enough to handle it, whatever ‘it’ is,” he whispered in my ear. As ridiculous as it sounds that hug made me feel a little better. How often do I get hugged in a way that somewhat takes the pain away? Clearly not often enough.

“Thank you Matt,” I replied as I hugged him tighter. We stood silently for a few seconds and he decided to break the sadness.

“I fucked up big time last night,” he said while I was still in his grip. Neither one of us let go.

“What happened?” I asked inquisitively.

“I’ll tell you after your shower,” he said as he broke the embrace we were in for what seemed to be an hour.

“That isn’t fair. Besides I want to stay like this all day, then I won’t get tempted to go anywhere,” I said faking a pout.

“Okay, fine I’ll tell you. But I want coffee, so we need to go to the kitchen.”

“You really don’t want us in this room do you?” I asked in a playful tone.

“It kinda scares me; it seems like ghosts play around here.” He let out a chuckle once he finished talking his load of bullshit. There was something in his laugh that made it contagious, so I joined him and we walked to the kitchen in laughter. We carried on the haunted mansion trajectory until we were in the food room.

“I want my story, Mattie. Come on now,” I said as I walked past him to fetch two cups from the cupboard.

“Okay, no need to nag,” he said feigning annoyance; he added a few hand gestures just for added drama. He seemed to want to make me laugh, and I enjoyed that. “Last night: I left with my buddies Damien, Aiden, Jordan and Vince. They came here to pick me up because I decided to take your advice. We drove over to a mate’s place, where you got me, and we just partied.” He stopped when he had to ask me whether or not I wanted milk.

“Where was I? Oh yeah, so we get there and everyone is partying already. We like that, to arrive at a party when it’s pumping. We don’t like to start the party; we want to get to a party. So, anyway we start to drink and everyone is joyful and I look out trying to find the guy I told you about. We chat and everything, so I invite him outside to chat privately. It turns out he’s a fucken douchebag of epic proportions. It was weird because the first few times we got to chat and meet up he was so cool. But last night, I don’t want to lie, he seemed like a cunt. He spoke so badly 'bout people and he just wasn’t as cool as he was before.” He took a pause and I decided to say something.

“So you drank yourself into oblivion because of that?”

“Kinda, I didn’t stop drinking as he spoke. The more he spoke the more I drank and it got real blurry. But when I felt myself get drunk I stopped and looked at him and was like, ‘do you want to make out? Because I didn’t bring you out here for your talking.’ He looked at me like I’d just told him his father had herpes. So he stormed off, and I shrugged. I went back instead and drank some more, I got pulled to the basement by my friends to play some drinking games. But you were only allowed one glass of liquor. The class was a mix of three hard substances and laced with Coca-Cola. Once you finish the glass given to you, you kinda lost that round and you take a line of cocaine. I wanted to chicken out but I was already there. I know that’s a stupid excuse.” He took a sip of his coffee. I was already too preoccupied by my coffee to speak.

“So I decided that I would win the game, I had to win the game. I wasn’t about to do coke. But I didn’t know that the game was going to be Kings Cup on steroids. They had two decks of cards in one game. I don’t know how long I lasted before I passed out. It was mostly the liquor, I tried half a line of coke, but before I continued I had to go puke. I ran upstairs and puked, and then went back down to play, but I barely made it down the stairs. I remained where you found me until I was able to wake up and call you.” He took another sip of his coffee.

“Sounds fun,” I said laughing at how he came on to the guy he liked. “Do you want to make out? Because I didn’t bring you out here for your talking.” I laughed even harder saying it.

“Hey, I was drunk okay?” he said blushing.

“As long as you had fun, but don’t do something that stupid again,” I said trying to breathe normally.

“Come on to a guy like that?” he asked puzzled.

“That and play a drinking game when you're already wasted.” He shot me a thoughtful look and I just smiled. We continued to talk about random things for another hour and I realised that Matt was like the little brother I never had. I really enjoyed talking to him about his life and him getting to pry into mine. We spoke for such a long time that we probably would’ve continued if it weren't for the house phone ringing. It was weird because only Veronica and Amanda used the landline, sometimes Mom’s clients but they’d never call on a Sunday. Matt went to go answer and then walked back into the kitchen with the cordless device.

“For you,” he said as he pointed the phone at me. We exchanged puzzled faces before I took the phone.

“Hello?” I said politely.

“Hey, you been doing that thing you do a lot lately,” said a calm and familiar voice.

“Which is?” I asked still trying to figure out whether I was dreaming or not.

“Avoiding me,” he replied without losing his confidence.

“You the one that keeps walking away,” I retorted trying not to sound rude.

“That’s why I called, actually. I want us to talk about that.” My eyebrow was raised to where my hairline started.

“I’m listening,” I whispered without any emotion.

“Have dinner with me. Before you say no, just think about it. Even if it’s for a few seconds.” He knew that my favourite word when it came to him was no, and it would remain that way.

“Okay, time’s up. No,”

“Khail, don’t make me beg…” he was starting to speak but I interrupted him.

“You don’t get to call me that anymore.” It just came out, I never planned to say it, but it was out.

“Mikhail, I’m trying to do right by you. Just have dinner with me. You can drive yourself and drive yourself home if you’re scared of me not taking you home.” There was sincerity in his voice but I had to be strong.

“Brian, I don’t know. I cannot.” I was starting to fidget.

“Don’t say no, that’s all. I was an ass last time, I want to do right by you. Give me a chance to show you I mean it when I say I want to be with you.” I could hear that he was about to beg and I hated to hear that, especially from him,

“Fine, let’s do it tomorrow.” I finally gave in.

“What? No, Khail… I mean Mikhail, you know you’ll find an excuse not to do it tomorrow.” “When then?” I asked knowing the answer.

“Today, you can choose the place and everything.” He was giving me the power to decide on the date. Shit, he really wanted this to happen.

“I don’t want to be out with you, in case Miranda sees us, so I guess you are going to cook. I’ll be over at six,” I said almost rushed.

“I’ll sms you where I’m staying,” he said and I could tell he was happy.

“Bye,” I said in total indifference to his happiness.

“I love you Khail. I always will,” he said in the most sincere tone I had ever heard, and he hung up. I guess he was scared I wouldn’t respond the same. I just stood there in the kitchen and looked at the phone and back to Matt.

“You okay?” he asked.

“I don’t think I will ever be okay, after what I just heard., I said as I walked towards my room. I needed rest.

“ Eighteen-hundred is three hours away by the way,” Matt shouted after me, and for the first time that day I was aware of the time. But I continued to go to my bedroom and maybe if I went to sleep, I’d wake up from this dream. Yeah, that was it. I was dreaming. The moment I saw my bed I felt an instant flow of relaxation, I didn’t even want to take off my clothes. I passed out on it and all I remember was the feeling of my soft comforting bed.

Bliss.

I would’ve continued to sleep peacefully until the next morning if it weren’t for my damn cell phone ringing. I don’t know what I was thinking not putting it on vibrate or silent. Preferably silent. I reached over to answer it but it went quiet. Hmmm, well whatever, I thought as I rolled over and tried to get some more sleep. As my eyelids closed another ring went off.

“Hello,” I answered annoyed.

“Darling, are you fine?” Monica’s voice came through the phone.

“I’m fine babe, just sleeping,” I replied while sitting up on my bed.

“Okay,” she said hesitantly. “Well I’ll make it fast. So, the full dress rehearsal is Tuesday at 18:00 at the Lyric Theatre, everything will be set up because we're moving over to that side tomorrow." Monica spoke a bit faster than usual probably trying to allow me to go back to sleep. "I’m going to find the sound and lighting technicians so we can bribe them tomorrow.”

“Sounds like we're planning a conspiracy,” I chuckled as the image came to mind. “Thanks for the update, babe. I really appreciate this. Just make sure you guys don’t forget the roles everyone has.”

“I’ll see you tomorrow. Oh and before I forget, don’t be shocked on Thursday when the show flops badly.” I heard her laugh at her statement but I didn’t want to ask what she meant. It would be best if I stayed out of things that no longer concerned me.

“Bye then my love,” I said in an indifferent tone. Okay, so maybe I wasn’t indifferent; maybe more thoughtful. She said goodbye then I heard the phone click. I looked at the screen and saw that my battery was at 10%, also I noticed the time was 16:30 and that meant I had thirty minutes to shower and get ready to drive to wherever Brian lived and have this beautiful dinner. Excuse the sarcasm.

I went to charge my phone while I took a shower. Whilst in the shower I never wanted to get out, so I remained under the hot water and just soaked in the warmth. Eventually I got out, got dressed and went to fetch my phone, which had three messages. The first was from Miranda the second from Brian (no surprise there) and the last was from Marvin (that definitely was a surprise). I opened Brian’s as I walked out of my room (and get going to have one of the most difficult dinners of my life.)

“Uyaphi?” I heard my mother’s voice say.

“I didn’t do it. No matter what it is, I didn’t do it.” Instincts demand that when my mother speaks Xhosa to me, I deny any and all allegations brought forth. My mother only addressed me in her home language once I was in trouble.

“I didn’t accuse you of anything,” she said while laughing at my reaction. “I’m just asking where you are going.”

“Okay,” I let out a sigh of relief at the sound of that. “I’m going to dinner with Brian.” I cringed at the possibility of her reaction.

“Dressed like that?” she asked in a shocked and almost appalled manner.

“What’s wrong with my outfit?” I asked scanning myself as much as I could.

“Well, you are wearing sweatpants, Nikes and a baseball-shirt, that isn’t what one would classify as a dinner outfit.” She had resorted to shaking her head at me.

“It’s just Brian, and besides it’s at his place. I’m not in the mood for my public today.” I added the last part to answer the question she was bound to ask, ‘why are you going to his house?’

“Oh anniversary blues again, but it’s okay baby. Go after your man.” She gave me a pat on the back and walked off into the kitchen. I walked off to where I’d parked my sweet lover. I didn’t realise what my mother had said until I was in the car, before I started it, I grabbed my phone and checked the date. Oh goodness me, Aphrodite goddess of love and all things beautiful, how could I not have noticed the bloody date? All day I’d been moping around and as it turns out it was our anniversary. I let my head fall onto the steering wheel letting out a loud honk. I couldn’t go through with the date. I couldn’t sit across him and have dinner with him, not on this day. He’d have to call me out on constantly standing him up. I cannot do it. So, I got out of the car and went back into the house. Walking past the kitchen to my room I heard her call my name.

“Mom?” I replied.

“Forget something?” she asked pleasantly.

“Besides my mind? Nothing at all,” I retorted in my tired and dreary voice.

“Sit down come on,” she said ushering me to a chair while she prepared dessert. “What changed your mind?”

“Well, you kinda mentioned that it’s our anniversary, and well…” I started off slow but I finally got into telling my mom about the dream, the promise he made at about this date seven years ago. She was shocked at the fact that he even suggested a thing like that.

“Oh goodness, I cannot believe he wanted to take you away from us. Tell him you are no Huckleberry Finn, no older man will take you away from here.” She was trying to lighten the atmosphere and I appreciated it and we giggled at the reference for a few seconds before she got sombre. “Joking aside, I want you to go. I want you and Brian to finally have a conversation that will determine the path of this relationship. You cannot go on harbouring resentment and ‘what ifs’. The only way to get answers to all your questions and the remedy to your emotional turmoil is to go to him and talk this through. It won’t be easy, but it will be worth it. Now go to him, because I’m done seeing you mope around the house.” She came around the kitchen counter to give me a comforting hug.

“Thanks Mom,” my disloyal voice quivered, exposing that I was about to cry. But moms know best; she pulled us apart, and dried the few tears that had come to the forefront.

“I think after this week is up, your father and I will have to send you to Cape Town to visit family. You need to relax,” she said as she gently raised me from the seat and led me to the door. “Go on, go figure this out.” Those were her final words on the matter, and they were sealed by a kiss on the cheek.

I walked back to my car with an overwhelming sense of dread, consumed by my feelings and thoughts, and the ride to where Brian stayed dragged on. I drove on and finally arrived at his doorstep, where I stood for close to a minute just thinking. Do I really want him? Yes, I love him, but do I want him in my life again? I started to turn and walk away when his door opened.

“Hey, I was starting to panic when I looked outside the kitchen and saw your car parked outside.” My back was still turned towards him. Do I turn and walk into his arms, or do I just walk away forever?