Camping Can Be Fun - 12. Chapter 12

Chapter 12

I paced my room thinking about what I should do. I knew she must have read it, it was obvious. Who wouldn’t? She had obviously been worried about me disappearing up here without even saying hello, so, when she stumbled across the mysterious, hand written letter I had fallen asleep with, curiosity would have gotten the better of her.

I re-read the letter and I thought it wouldn’t be so incriminating if it wasn’t for his name and address right at the very top of the damned thing. I was screwed. This was obviously from a boy. I shook my head in irritation and thought I might as well get it over with. I grabbed the letter and made my way downstairs. My mum was having her morning coffee with a book at the dining table.

“Morning,” I mumbled, as I sat opposite her.

“Morning sweetie. Are you ok? You went to bed in quite a rush last night. You didn’t even say hello.”

I placed the folded note in the centre of the dining table.

“What’s that honey?” she asked, trying to seem innocent.

“I think you know what it is Mum. You’ve already read it.”

She took another sip of her coffee and put her book down. “Do you want to talk about it?”

She didn’t deny it.

“You shouldn’t have read it,” I said annoyed. “It was private.”

“I’m sorry honey, I was worried. I didn’t realise it would be so personal.” She looked a little embarrassed for going through my things. “It seems like this Adam boy quite likes you.”

I nodded.

“Do you like him?”

I hesitated knowing this was my big moment, my big confession. This could be the end of the relationship I had with my mother. Things could be about to change forever. I sighed deeply and I nodded again, admitting my secret.

“I see…”

She was quiet for a moment while she thought.

“He’s a lucky boy,” she stated.

“You’re not disappointed?” I asked, surprised.

“I’m a little surprised, but I’m not disappointed in you sweetie. You’ve always been such a good boy. If you’re gay, you’re gay. I can’t change that and neither can you. It doesn’t mean me or your father will stop loving you. I just want you to be happy. Does he make you happy?”

I was a bit winded by her easy going attitude. “Very happy,” I eventually confessed.

“Then that’s all that matters. Come here.” She stood up and held out her arms.

I got up from the table and hugged my mum tight. I was so happy that she had just accepted me like this. No awkward questions, no quotes from the bible, no “it’s just a phase” remarks. Just complete acceptance.

“I was worried you were going to hate me,” I told her.

“Don’t be stupid Daniel, you’re my son, and I could never hate you. When do we get to meet him?”

“You want to meet him?” I asked, mortified.

“You should invite him round for dinner to meet us.”

“Are you insane?”

“If someone is dating my son, then I damn well want to meet them. No buts, no excuses. Make it happen.”

I very shyly replied, “It’s sort of complicated at the moment. We’re taking things slow. I won’t be seeing him for another month.”

“Why so long?” she asked, confused.

“He’s not from around here… like I said, it’s complicated.”

She could tell I was hiding something. She can always tell when I’m hiding something.

“He’s not an old man, is he Daniel? Oh God, please tell me it’s not one of your teachers!”

“Mum! God no! He’s normal. He’s my age. It’s just…” I sank back down into the dining chair becoming quite deflated thinking about the Adam/Steven scenario.

“Shall I pour you some coffee and we can have a proper chat?”

I looked up at my mum, who was smiling reassuringly.

She had always been a cool mum. Mum and Dad had brought me up right. I was well mannered and respected my elders, all that jazz, but they’d also given me a lot of freedom and put a lot of trust in me. My parents had never been too strict. They’d never hit me and the biggest punishment I ever got was when I accidently hit a baseball through a neighbours greenhouse. I got grounded and the costs of the repairs were taken out of my allowance. They’d always had an open door policy too. If I had a problem or any “questions”, I could talk to them. Obviously I’d been keeping this from them for quite a while, but I never really had anything to tell them before I met Adam, only my thoughts which were mine and I had coped just fine. My sexuality had never been an issue for me, I never fought it, I just didn’t flaunt it.

Her expression was so comforting to me. In that moment I knew I could tell her anything and she’d always love me.

“Yeah Mum, that would be nice.”

Over coffee and cinnamon bagels I told her about my feelings for Steven and his feelings for me, missing out the part about him molesting me and trying to kill himself. She had always liked Steven and he was practically part of the family already, so it didn’t surprise me that, once she’d gotten used to the idea, she said she thought we’d make a nice couple. Her opinion, although very comforting, didn’t really help me much. She didn’t know Adam and she couldn’t possibly comprehend how much he meant to me. It did however feel good to have gotten things off my chest. She was dead set on meeting Adam and having him round for dinner, but I asked her not to tell Dad yet, as I wanted to do it myself and she agreed.

Most of my day was spent thinking about what had happened, what I wanted, who I wanted etc. I wanted Adam, that much I did know, but he had just given me the green light to experiment with Steven, and I knew that Steven would jump at the opportunity. Steven definitely wasn’t out of my system. When I was alone with him our feelings found a way of manifesting themselves, regardless of how hard I tried to repress them.

More than anything I felt that I missed Adam and so I put Steven out of my mind and got to writing my very first love letter.

Dear Adam,

I already miss you! Things are still a bit crazy my end. I was exhausted when I got home and I pretty much crashed out as soon as I got in. I fell asleep reading your letter for about the thousandth time. No one has ever said such beautiful things to me before. You make me feel special. Thank you.

After I fell asleep, my mum came in to check on me, because I hadn’t said hello to anyone and had gone straight to my room. I was asleep and she found the letter and now knows pretty much everything. I’ve had a good talk with her today and thankfully she doesn’t hate me. She’s been amazing about it actually. She wants to meet you and has ordered me to invite you round to ours for dinner. Apparently she has to meet anyone who is dating her son.

I’ve had a good think about what you said to me about “getting it out of my system” and I can’t. The more I think about it, the more I feel ashamed for contemplating it. I can’t cheat on you and I have no intention of taking advantage of this situation, regardless of your permission. You mean too much to me and if we’re going to be together, out of respect for you, I need to learn to say no to any temptation.

I love you. Without you here, I feel incomplete. The only way to describe not being with you is that it feels harder to breathe. I feel like there is less oxygen in the air or something. Without you everything feels that little bit harder and I don’t mean that in a good way. I really missed waking up with you this morning and that’s just the tip of the iceberg. I don’t know how I’m going to last a month without you. Can’t we bring it forward?

I’m going to tell my dad about us tonight. I’m a bit nervous. I hope he takes the news as well as my mum. I think it will be harder for him being a guy. I just hope he still loves me.

Also is there any chance you could send me a picture? I miss being able to look at you. I’ll send you one too if you want? I’ll need to photo shop it first of course lol.

Anyway I’m going to go wash up before dinner. Tell Joey and Karl I was asking for them. Wish me luck with my dad.

Love you.

Bye x

I posted it pretty much straight away. I’d never felt so nervous and giddy posting a letter in a mailbox. As soon as I’d posted it I felt desperate for his reply. I had a feeling I’d be bringing the mail in from now on.

That night after dinner, while Mum was washing up, I told my father that I was gay and that I’d met someone and how I hoped that he could accept me and still love me.

He wasn’t as forthcoming as my mother, but I’d expected more resistance from him.

“How can you be sure? I mean how can you know you’re gay if you’ve never had sex with a woman?” he asked abruptly after a long silence.

We were in the lounge and the TV was on, but he’d muted it when I told him I had something to talk about.

“It doesn’t work like that. If it did I could ask you how you know you’re not gay when you’ve never had sex with a man.”

He went quiet again and stared at the screen for another minute or so.

“What if it’s just a phase?”

“Dad please, show me a little respect. I’m nineteen in what? Two weeks? I’m not a little kid anymore. I’ve felt like this since I was thirteen. These feelings aren’t going away and I’ve met someone who shares them with me. He makes me happy Dad…I think I’m in love with him.”

“Why have you never said something before?” he asked. He almost seemed hurt that I hadn’t come to him.

“I guess I wasn’t ready. It’s not like I’ve been struggling with it or anything. It’s never really been a problem. I just sort of accepted it, but never did anything about it. Then I met Adam and everything just fell into place.”

More silence followed my comments as we both stared at the muted television.

“You could have come to me you know,” he said after a while. He was hurting.

“I know Dad, but I didn’t need to. I’m telling you now. I just hope that it doesn’t change things between us. I’m still me.”

“Of course you’re still you, you idiot. Nothing’s going to change. What do you think I’m going to do? Disown you? Throw you out on the streets?” he asked sarcastically.

I tried to maintain eye contact, but a mixture of emotions caused me to look away.

“I didn’t know how you would react. Adam’s parents kicked him out when he came out.”

“Oh…” He was shocked by the news. “Well I can assure you Dan, this will always be your home. I would never disown you. I love you more than anything else in the world and the fact that you have the courage and integrity to sit here and have this conversation with me in such a mature manner, stands as testament to me as a father. Gay, straight, bi, whatever, you are my son and I love you. You have never disappointed me and I’m still as proud of you now as I ever was.”

Hearing all this praise and encouragement coming from my parents was completely overwhelming. I began to fill up. All the tears I’d shed over the past few days were making me feel like a bit of a wuss.

“May I be excused?” I asked as politely as I could, standing to leave the room.

“No you may not,” he replied, also getting to his feet. “Not before you get over here and give your old man a hug.”

I half laughed, half sobbed as he threw his arms around me.

“Hey, don’t you start crying on me,” he said. “No son of mine is turning into a pansy.”

He had me laughing after that.

“Thanks Dad, for being so cool. I love you too.”

“So when do I get to meet this Adam?” he asked, letting me go.

“Not you too,” I said, rolling my eyes.

“I want to see who my son is dating.”

“Mum’s made me invite him for dinner, but it might be a while before I see him again.” I saw his look of confusion, much like my mothers. “It’s complicated; please just leave it at that. I’m sure Mum will fill you in. Anyway, I’m going before you turn me into an emotional wreck. But… really though, thanks Dad, for making this so easy. You guys are the best.”

I was making my way upstairs to my room feeling quite elated when the phone started ringing. I ignored it assuming my mum would get it and my instincts were confirmed as I reached the landing. I hovered to listen to my mum and try to guess who it was.

“Slow down Steven, I can barely hear you,” my mum said. She seemed panicked. “Daniel!” she called.

I ran back downstairs and gave her a confused look and mouthed, “What’s wrong with him?” as she passed me the phone.

When I put the phone to my ear I was almost deafened by his sobs. He was hyperventilating and was clearly in a lot of distress. My mind flashed back to the previous night when I almost lost him.

“Steven? Steven! Calm down man, tell me what’s wrong.”

“Can’t….can’t breathe… help me!” he said, gasping for air.

“Jesus Steven! Slow down. Breathe for me. Nice and slow. Come on Steven, breath with me. In through your nose, out through your mouth, in 2,3,4 and out 2,3,4, in 2,3,4 and out 2,3,4,” I repeated over and over.

It was all I could think of doing to help him without physically being there. It sounded like he was having some sort of panic attack and I needed to calm him down. He started to comply and began breathing heavily down the phone in time to my counts. We went through this for several minutes before he was able to talk.

“Oh Dan, everything’s fucked, my whole life is fucked.”

“Come on, it’s not so bad. Lisa will move on and forget about this, so will you.”

“No!” he cut me off. “You don’t understand. Bryce has been round to my house today with a bunch of his friends. They wanted to fight me and I wouldn’t come out of the house. You know what my dad’s like, he never backs off from anyone so he dragged my sorry ass outside to confront them and they started calling me all sorts of queer names. My dad asked me what they were talking about and Bryce started shouting the whole thing out for the entire neighbourhood to hear. I’ve never seen my dad look at me like that before. He’s kicked me out Dan,” he began to cry again. “My mum and dad have kicked me out ‘cause I’m a disgusting little faggot!”

“Oh my God… Steven…” I was almost speechless. “Where are you? Where are you calling from?”

“I took off in my car, but then I couldn’t breathe so I had to pull over. I’m in a payphone on Main St.”

“Don’t move, I’m coming to get you,” I said, sitting on the stairs and pulling on my trainers.

My dad appeared from nowhere. He had obviously been listening to my conversation. He waved his car keys in front of me and pulled on his coat.

“My dad is coming to pick you up Steven, just stay were you are ok? Everything is going to be alright. We’ll be there in ten minutes. Everything is going to be fine. Do you hear me? ... Do you hear me!”

“Yes, I hear you,” he said with a sniff.

“I mean it Steven, don’t you move from that spot.”

“I’m not going anywhere, please just get here. I need you.”

When we pulled up beside Steven’s car he was standing outside looking ashamed and embarrassed. I got out and hugged him, but he was tense. He didn’t hold me like he usually would. I think it was because my dad was watching. He felt like he was being judged.

All he had was a backpack with some clothes in it. He’d been given five minutes to pack a bag and get out. What a bastard! I knew Steven’s dad was a bit of a tough guy, but to throw your own son out like that is just sick. No doubt his mum would have had no say in the matter; his dad was the man of the house and always laid down the law. Steven was quiet during the car ride back to mine. He was keeping his emotions back to hide them from my dad, but I could tell he was devastated.

My dad didn’t pester him when he got in the car, he just greeted him like he usually would. “Hey Steven, you alright?” he asked, almost rhetorically, to which Steven had shaken his head. I think my dad felt a bit stupid for asking such an insensitive question when the answer was so blatant, and so he kept his mouth shut for the rest of the short journey home.

When we arrived back at the house my mum played a completely different card and literally forced a hug upon him. Dad and I just looked on in uncertainty. We didn’t really know what to do.

“Oh you poor boy,” she said, as she held his head tight to her chest and rocked him. “They are so stupid and ignorant. You poor, poor boy. The spare room is yours of course, you can stay as long as you like. We would never see you out on the streets. You’re practically part of this family already. We love you.”

She continued to rock him for a while as her words set in and the emotion poured out of him.

“Thank you,” he stammered, wiping his tears with his sleeve. “That means a lot to me Mrs Smyth”

“How many times have I told you to call me Jean?”

“About a million,” he smirked. “Thanks Jean, thanks Mr… thanks Ron.” He gave me a nod and turned back to my mother. “Do you mind if I disappear upstairs for a while, I’d like to freshen up a little?”

“Don’t be stupid. You don’t have to ask to be excused. Go with him Daniel,” said my mum with her reassuring smile.

And so I followed Steven upstairs, a journey we had made countless times together, but never so dismally and unsure of ourselves. There was no sexual tension between us tonight. I actually felt like he didn’t even want me to be there, like I was making things worse. We stopped on the landing and he turned to me.

“Do you mind if I take a shower?” he asked, standing outside the bathroom door.

“No, of course not, you know where everything is, towels and that.”

“Yep…”

We stood there awkwardly for a moment.

“Right, I guess you want me to leave you alone for a bit?” I asked, feeling pretty thick.

“Well, I doubt you want to join me, and even if you did, the way I’m feeling I’d probably say no.” He tried to smile at his smart talk, but I could see the pain in his eyes, the sorrow in his heart.

No matter what way I looked at this I still felt responsible. If he didn’t feel like this about me then his life wouldn’t be so difficult right now and, as it was, his life, as he knew it, was over and he had nothing to show for it. Everything that I had feared would become my fate had become his, and it was all because of me. Just like he had touched my heart I had touched his, but here I was refusing him my heart that until a few days ago rightfully belonged to him. The whole thing was fucked up.

“Right then, I’ll… I’ll be in my room if… you know… you need me or want to talk,” I said bashfully.

“I’ll be in soon; I just need to clear my head.”

We parted and he went into the bathroom and I to my bedroom, but before I entered, I paused in my doorway to watch the bathroom door click shut and listened to the bolt lock slide over.

In my room I threw myself onto my bed and looked at the time on my alarm clock. Eight o’clock. My eyes moved to Adams letter on the side and I reached out to read it once more.

The words on the now crumpled and well-worn piece of paper were like a sweet, reassuring lullaby and as I read his lovingly penned message over and over again, a warm comfort took hold of me and soothed me to sleep.

I dreamt of Adam. Nothing specific, just his face and his perfectly moulded body, clothed of course. We were together. There was water. He was smiling. I was happy. We didn’t touch. He just seemed to dance around in an abstract way, colours of greens and browns and blues and yellows, all the colours that reminded me of our weekend together blended into one another to create a beautiful background for my beautiful boy. The sun was shining and I could feel its welcoming heat tanning my face, but the stars and the moon were present too. I could hear Adam’s laugh and the song that had been sung round the camp fire played round and round in my head. It felt like heaven.

I awoke with a smile on my face as I felt a weight at the foot of my bed. It was dark outside, but there was a light coming from the hall. I could make Steven’s silhouette out and I quickly glanced at my clock. Half past eleven.

“Steven? Sorry man, I didn’t mean to fall asleep. Are you ok?” I asked sitting up to look at him properly.

“I can’t sleep…” he replied in an uncertain tone. “I don’t want to be alone… can I… can I sleep with you?”

I immediately felt conflicted and as I felt Adams letter, still grasped between my fingers, I knew that this was dangerous territory, but the guy was my best friend. He’d just been completely humiliated and disowned by his own family… I was all he had. I folded the letter and put it in the drawer beside my bed.

“Climb in,” I told him.

He turned the hall light off and got into the vacant side of my bed. The only light now was coming from the streetlights outside my window. I stood to get undressed, still being fully clothed and, although I couldn’t really see his face, I knew he was watching in the dim orange glow. I stripped to my boxers.

“Just as friends,” I warned him.

“That’s all I need right now,” was his reply, and I climbed in beside him.

I tried to get comfortable and lay on my side with my back to him, but his discomfort only matched my own. He was lying there stiff as a board, scared to move.

“What’s wrong?” I asked, not bothering to turn round.

He didn’t reply.

“Steven?”

“It’s nothing… I… It’s nothing.”

“Just tell me you idiot.”

“It might make you feel uncomfortable.”

“Steven just say what’s on your mind so we can get some sleep.”

“… I want to… would you let me… Oh this is so stupid… Can I cuddle you? Nothing sexual, I just… I really need a cuddle.”

I smiled into the darkness. How could the big tough guy I knew and loved be such a softie? I suppose he had been through a lot.

“You want to cuddle?” I asked, the smile creeping into my voice slightly.

He immediately picked up on this. “I knew you’d think I was stupid,” he began, but I cut him off.

“We can spoon.”

“What?”

“You heard me.”

“Are you sure?” he asked tentatively.

“I’m sure. If it will make you feel better.”

“Thanks.”

His reply suggested he’d accepted my invitation, but he still just lay there, frozen.

“What are you waiting for?” I asked.

“I… we’ve never done this before… I… what do I…”

“Oh for fuck’s sake Steven, just cuddle me!” I practically shouted.

He sprang into action, startled by my raised voice. He quickly threw his arm around me and pulled in close to me, still rigid and uncomfortable.

“Jesus Steven, would you just relax already, you’re making me feel uncomfortable. We can cuddle ok. There’s no harm in that, it’s nice, ok?”

“I guess so. Sorry.” He loosened up, and his hold on me became comfortable and warming.

“This doesn’t mean anything though? This is just a friend thing,” I told him. “I know you need comforting and I’m here for you, but please don’t read anything into this.”

“I won’t, I get it. Thanks. I couldn’t sleep in the spare room. I felt so alone.”

“Was there anyone in there with you?” I asked sarcastically

“You know what I mean. I feel like I’ve been cut off… banished!”

“Banished? It’s not medieval times, you know.”

“I’ve been disowned, Dan.”

“I’m sorry,” I said with sincerity. “You’ll always have us, you heard my mum, you’re practically family.”

“Is that how you feel?” he asked

“Of course, you’re like the brother I never had… I think that’s why we have these feelings for each other, because of how close we’ve become. We shouldn’t let it get the better of us. It’s better if we stay friends. Sex changes things you know? If we got together and broke up, chances are that would be it for us, like most relationships. This is better for us; friendships are less risky and I wouldn’t want to lose you.”

“I don’t know if I agree with all that, sex could make things more interesting,” he teased, tickling my sides and making me squirm.

“Knock it off!” I giggled.

“Maybe you’re right, I’d hate to lose you. I’ve always seen you as a brother. Maybe my feelings for you are wrong.”

“Misplaced is a better way of putting it.”

“Yeah, misplaced. I’ll try my best to get over you.”

“Me too, and hopefully we can be friends forever.”

“That sounds really gay.”

“This coming from the guy that got in bed with me to cuddle.”

“I asked for that one.”

“Yep.”

“Well I need to get some sleep. Thanks for this. ‘Night Dan.”

“’Night Steven.”

“Love you bro,” he said. A distinct smile in his voice, an elevation of the sadness he had felt at the beginning of the conversation.

“Love you too.”