Falling Slowly - 1. Story

Falling Slowly

by ComeWhatMay

“Babe, we can do this,” Anthony tried to reassure me. “Why can’t you see that you were born to do this?” The question itself was simple enough, but the answer most definitely wasn’t. He should’ve known that he was asking way too much of me.

“Why the hell would you pick me, of all the people you could’ve picked?” I demanded. It felt as if I had some sort of storm raging inside me from the moment that he told me that he wanted me to play one of the leading roles in the upcoming film he was producing. The storm consisted of a mix of anxiety, anger, confusion, and fear. Why would he want me, of all people, to star in this brilliant masterpiece he’d managed to create?

“Because, love, you are the only person who can do that part justice,” he replied calmly to me. Anthony then proceeded to get up, and sit down next to me on the sofa in the apartment that we shared. I just sat there and sighed as he continued to try and convince me to take the role. As he kept putting pressure on me, the storm kept building. Why couldn’t he see that I just couldn’t do it; that I wasn’t good enough to do it?

“You know that I’m not good enough for that part,” I said, trying to stay calm and rational. My voice was a little shaky with emotion, but I succeeded in my attempt not to break down. I knew that I wasn’t good enough to be on the silver screen.

Anthony wrapped his arm around me and I leaned in towards him as he continued to persuade me, and as I continued to say no. He kept talking about how I was the only one who could play the part, but I refused to listen to anything he had to say about his movie from then on. I knew that I wasn’t ready for anything as big as this. The subject dropped as we tried to watch television, but I knew the topic would come up at least one more time before the night was over.

“Baby, you’ve got to know that you have the talent to do this,” he probed, attempting one last time to get me to take the role. It was getting late, and it had been a long night, so this last attempt was the last straw.

I decided that I really wasn’t in the mood for this anymore, so I simply said, “Alright, you know what? I’ll think about it. That’s all I can really promise you right now.” It was the only thing I could think of to get him off my case. I was really agitated, and it was pretty apparent in my voice. Nonetheless, he seemed to accept the answer, and so the topic was thankfully dropped for the time being.

The time period Anthony had given me to think about taking the role only lasted a couple of days, but the time without the constant persuading had been a very pleasant change. I used the time quite productively, getting some stuff done around the apartment such as cleaning as well as getting some translations finished for a client of mine. The majority of the money that I made came from doing some free-lance translations for local businesses. Living in a culturally diverse area where tourists visited all year round, knowing more than just English came in handy. It was quite a monotonous job, but it did bring some money into the household. The best perk of the job, however, was the ability to control my own hours, and work mostly from home.

Truth be told, I did very little thinking about taking the role which Anthony had offered me. I truly didn’t feel ready to do something that drastic. Sure, in high school I was in the school play every year, but my roles ranged from supporting actor to extra, never venturing into the leading category. Maybe I should just ask him to cast me as a minor role if he wants me to be in his movie so badly. That was exactly what I decided I should do when he finally brought up the topic again. It seemed like a logical compromise to me.

Once Anthony decided that my time to think was up, he asked, “So Mattie, what do you think? Do you think you can do it?”

“Not really,” I admitted to him. The smile he once had now faded as his face showed his obvious disappointment. I then proceeded to explain myself to him, “but I’m willing to compromise with you.” His face instantly shot up, his eyes gazing into mine with curiosity.

“What do you mean, compromise?” he then asked, after hesitating a moment.

I explained, “Instead of casting me as a lead role, why don’t you just let me be a minor character, someone who’s less important? That way I’ll be in your movie like you want, but I won’t have to play a huge part.”

Anthony’s face shifted from the hopeful expression he just had to a neutral one. He simply said, “I’ll have to think about it.” Proceeding to stand up and walk away, Anthony left me confused. Was my request that much to ask for? I just sat there, more confused than ever.

Over the next few days, nothing more was said about the job. I went on with my translation work as Anthony worked to finish the post-production work of a movie he had recently directed. Anthony had directed quite a few successful movies in the past, and was now working on his biggest movie yet. It would be premiering soon at one of the major film festivals, and also would get a nation-wide release, something none of his previous films had managed to do. I could tell as the days passed that Anthony was excited about it, but whenever I questioned him about it, he never answered. I grew increasingly curious about the movie, but accepted that he wouldn’t divulge anything about it.

My work load became increasingly heavier as more local businesses tried to appeal to any and all who didn’t speak English. It was quite a hassle trying to keep up with all of the translations I had to finish. I knew that I probably shouldn’t have taken on so much, but I there wasn’t anything I could do about it now. More work for me, along with Anthony’s movie seemed to put a strain on our relationship. We both became workaholics, and it seemed like we were becoming distant from each other. It wasn’t too long before our work schedules barely ever allowed time for us to see each other. Although the change was gradual, every day it worried me. It seemed like since we talked about the movie, our relationship had gone downhill.

The guilt of destroying the best thing that had ever happened to me was eating me from the inside out. Day by day my outlook on life became dimmer as the days became increasingly monotonous, especially with Anthony barely ever making an appearance. It had been almost two months since our relationship made its sharp decline. Life for me simply became the way I knew it before I met Anthony, and I didn’t like it at all. It was almost enough to make me resort to an old habit I broke long ago thanks to Anthony, but I somehow managed not to do it. Anthony apparently decided that enough was enough and we agreed to sit down and discuss what had been happening.

“Matt, what’s happened to us?” he asked, “I feel like I don’t even know you anymore. You’ve been so into your work lately, and I know that I haven’t exactly been around.”

“I don’t know,” I answered honestly for lack of a better response.

Anthony took a moment and then began again, “I want more than anything for this to work, for us to spend forever together. We just have to find a way to stop this.”

“I want this more than anything too, babe. You do know that, right? This is all, well was, all that I could have ever dreamed of. Maybe we just need to start over and see if we can try to untangle this mess. I mean, you’ll be finished with this movie soon and I can always just take on less.”

I was trying to explain a way for us to resolve the situation. Seeing that he wasn’t going to respond, I continued, “And I’m sorry about the whole part thing, but you have to know that I’m not ready for something that big. I don’t want to let it ruin our relationship, so I hope you won’t end it over something like that.”

I looked at him for a response, but found nothing. He was speechless for all I could tell. I simply waited for a reaction from him as we both sat there. I watched him for a response as he stared blankly out of the window.

Finally, after what seemed like forever, he finally spoke, “You honestly think this happened because of that?”

“I don’t know, but that’s when things seemed to begin to fall apart,” I replied simply.

“You actually believe that, don’t you?” Anthony’s voice had risen in volume greatly, almost startling me. I could tell that he was beginning to become upset.

I suddenly found myself close to breaking point, but tried not to show it. “What else could it have been? If I would’ve said yes, I don’t think any of this would’ve happened. So if that wasn’t it, then what was it?”

“I don’t know,” he answered softly as tears began to well up in his eyes.

I walked over towards him and wrapped my arms around him. “Look,” I said calmly, “None of it really matters now. All that matters is that we’re going to make it through this.”

He began to calm down somewhat, as did I. We probably sat there, holding out our embrace for a good half hour. I wanted nothing more than to just stay there for the rest of eternity, and I told him so. But I guess Anthony had other plans as he got up and led me into the bedroom. After that night, I had to agree with the common rumour: make up sex was the best.

I woke up and found my body intertwined with Anthony’s. It surprisingly wasn’t in the least bit uncomfortable, and I swear I could’ve spent forever just lying there with him. However, I knew that it wasn’t an option, and began to untangle myself, ready to prepare for yet another gruelling day of language translations. Jumping in the shower, I wanted to get to work on these translations as quickly as possible. Anthony told me that he would try his best to get home from the studio as early as possible, so I wanted to be done with my work when he got home. Anthony must’ve gotten up right after I did, because after I was done setting up for work, I found myself kissing him goodbye as he walked out the door.

I spent about nine gruelling hours working on translations, stopping only for lunch, before I decided to call it quits for the day. Accomplishing much more than I had expected, I knew that my work load would soon be significantly lighter than it had been for these past few weeks. That was something I was really looking forward to since I would have time to spend with Anthony once he was completely finished with his movie. It was going to be very nice to have a couple of days where I could just relax and have fun with the love of my life. Who wouldn’t look forward to something like that?

Unfortunately, after I was done working, I got a call from Anthony saying that he would be a little bit later than expected. I was really looking forward to seeing him tonight, but still, the sooner his movie was finished, the better. So I sucked it up, and decided that I would surprise him a little bit by preparing dinner for the both of us. I wasn’t that tired, and from what he told me, there was just enough time to cook his favourite dinner by the time he got home. For the next hour or so, I could be found cooking chicken and broccoli Alfredo along with a side dish of mashed potatoes. I made sure to set the table for a nice candlelight dinner for the two of us.

As expected, he arrived home by the time everything was done, and I was pretty excited about the evening to come. It had truly been a while since we had spent a night together without any sort of conflict, which was how I planned tonight to be.

When he walked into the door, I immediately greeted him with a kiss, “Hey babe,” I said, “How was work?”

He didn’t give me an answer, but from the look he gave me, I could tell he was pretty frustrated. I had absolutely no clue as to why he would be frustrated, though. Nothing he said over the phone made it sound like he had a bad day, so I was pretty much in the dark.

“Babe, what’s wrong?” I out right asked, only wanting to know if I had possibly done something wrong. All that I got from him was a smile on his face, which was an improvement before, but I still wanted to know what was up with him.

About five minutes later of the two of us just standing there, he finally said something, “I’m just frustrated because we’ve started the casting of my new movie.” I simply rolled my eyes. I knew exactly what we were about to have a conversation about, but I decided that I was going to try and put it off at least until after dinner.

“Babe, I know what you’re going to say. Can we please just wait until after dinner, pretty please?” I pleaded, trying my best at puppy dog eyes.

He sighed, “I guess. But baby please, tell me that you’ve at least thought about it.”

I answered, “Yes, yes I have. And we’ll talk about it after we eat our chicken and broccoli Alfredo.” His face seemed to light up at the mention of his favourite dish, and dinner was about to be started.

I lit the two candles on our meagre table, and served the pasta dish to Anthony and myself, along with the mashed potatoes. I also poured the two of us each a glass of iced tea, the mutual preferred drink. Dinner was pretty quiet, with the two of us only making some small talk throughout dinner. Anthony seemed to enjoy the dinner I had cooked especially for him, which made me happy. I just wanted him to have a calm night at home because I knew that he had a long day at work. But as all good things must come to an end, our pleasant dinner was over soon enough. Unfortunately for me, that meant once again discussing this movie role.

“So baby, please give me an answer.” I knew that he really wanted to know, but truth be told, I truly didn’t know if I could play that part.

And that’s exactly what I told him, “Anthony, sweetheart, I know that you really want to know. But I really can’t give you an answer.”

He just gave me this look that told me that I needed to tell him. I didn’t know what to do, but I knew that he wanted badly for me to take the part. However, it wasn’t that simple for me.

I decided that I could try bargaining, “I’ll tell you what; I’ll give you an official answer on Sunday after we watch the Oscars. Does that sound like a good deal?” He answered me by nodding his head ‘yes’. I was relieved to have until Sunday to decide.

The subject, however, was not entirely dropped. He told me, “I want you to read the screenplay for the movie. Maybe it’ll help change your mind.” Handing me the screenplay, Anthony seemed contented for the time being.

It was on a Tuesday that we made that agreement, so I had a little less than a week to figure out what on Earth I was going to do. Unlike the last time he gave me time to think about taking the role, the decision or lack thereof kept lingering in my head. I found myself reading the screenplay every chance I got, and I absolutely loved it. It was indeed the masterpiece that he made it out to be, and I could see why he wanted me to play the leading role. The part was almost a spitting image of me; the only thing that didn’t seem at all like me was the name. With all the thinking that I did over those days, I didn’t actually decide on anything. But no matter what I was doing, whether it be working or cleaning up around the house, the argument in my head was always present.

Come Sunday, I still had yet to make an official decision, so when we sat down to watch the Oscars; I had no idea what on Earth I was going to do. I snuggled up next to Anthony, acting as if everything was cool, but my head was really in panic mode. Thoughts ran up and down throughout it trying to make the decision. It took a long while of thinking as we watched the beginning of the awards ceremony for me to make my official decision. I decided that I wasn’t going to take the role, and Anthony would just have to deal with it because I really didn’t feel comfortable with it. I felt it was the right decision to make.

We watched as stars dazzled at the Academy Awards, receiving whatever honours they may have received, but one moment in particular stuck out to me. This was when Glen Hansard and Marketa Irglova sang their song that was nominated for best original song. It was called “Falling Slowly” and it was absolutely beautiful. The lyrics almost had described how my relationship with Anthony had been going as of late. They did indeed win the award, but after Mr. Hansard gave his speech, the orchestra began playing before Ms. Irglova got to make hers.

After a commercial break, Jon Stewart brought Ms. Irglova back out to make her acceptance speech. Her speech was a humble, simple speech, but it moved me.

She said, “Hi everyone. I just want to thank you so much. This is such a big deal, not only for us, but for all other independent musicians and artists that spend most of their time struggling, and this, the fact that we’re standing here tonight, the fact that we’re able to hold this, it’s just the proof that no matter how far out your dreams are, it’s possible. And, you know, fair play to those who dare to dream and don’t give up. And this song was written from a perspective of hope, and hope at the end of the day connects us all, no matter how different we are. And so thank you so much, who helped us along way. Thank you.”

Like I said, her words moved me. They really made me think about it. At first I told myself that because I wasn’t an independent artist or musician, it didn’t apply at all to me. But the more I thought about it, I realized that her words could be applied to a lot of different things in a lot of different situations. I was still scared, but now I was second guessing my initial decision.

Once the awards were finally over, Anthony looked to me for my answer. “So have you made the choice?”

I threw all caution to the wind and smiled at him. “You know what, I’ll do it!”

© 2008 ComeWhatMay