Not The Sun - 10. Chapter Ten: Feelings

10 ~Feelings~

Jordan drove both of them back to Brandon's house after school the following day. He was a little nervous. Brandon hadn't mentioned the kiss and he hadn't mentioned the kiss even though he had a feeling that they both wanted to. But Brandon was acting like his normal self--well as normal as Brandon got now that Leia was gone, and Jordan didn't want to do anything to upset that. Especially with what he needed to talk to Brandon about. Instead of going up to his room like usual, they sat outside on the back porch. The weather was cold, but the sun was out and it was very pleasant to sit out there in the fresh air.

Brandon dug around in his bag, pulled out a silver flask, unstopped it and took a drink. Jordan frowned; he didn't approve of Brandon's substantial drinking habit... usually. This time, however...

"Ah..." Jordan cleared his throat nervously, gesturing to the flask Brandon held. "May I?"

Brandon raised his eyebrows and held the flask out. Jordan took it, drank and handed it back. "Thanks," he said. The alcohol tasted sweet and slightly antiseptic... like mouthwash. He took a deep breath and let it out slowly. "I need to talk to you about Leia."

He could almost feel Brandon shutting down. "There's nothing to talk about," Brandon said, taking a sip from the flask. "She's dead, remember?"

"Yeah, I know. Just hear me out, okay?"

Brandon shrugged. "Whatever, man."

Jordan cleared his throat nervously. "Um... can I have another?"

Brandon almost smiled, passed the flask back and Jordan took another drink. He rather liked it. He passed it back and shed his jacket, rolling up his sleeves and feeling uncomfortably warm, but whether it was from the alcohol or nerves, he wasn't sure.

"So... I checked out what you told me about Leia not being pregnant."

Brandon raised his eyebrows again. "And?"

"And you were correct. The autopsy showed that she wasn't pregnant."

"How do you know that?"

"I got Dalaja to check the Network for me. If a Creator/Enabler team needs information, there is usually someone in the Establishment who can get it. Dalaja and Nikki are fairly well known and people don't have a problem sharing information with them. Brandon, you knew Leia better than I did--would she have aborted?"

"No."

"Are you sure of that? Just think about it for a minute. She knew she was pregnant. She was scared. She might have even remembered what had happened. Would that have driven her to get rid of the baby?"

Brandon was silent. Jordan pressed on. "If she did, the guilt she felt might have played a part in the decision she made to-"

"Stop it!" Brandon said sharply.

"I'm sorry, Brandon, but I have to bring it up. Is it a possibility? Even a slim one?"

"No," Brandon replied.

"Are you sure?"

"Positive. Leia was a vegetarian, a supporter of PETA, and was against abortion from the start. She could never kill anything, especially not a human being. Even if she did... you know, remember, she wouldn't have aborted. She would have thought that the baby shouldn't have to pay for the sins of the father and would have wanted to give it a fair chance."

"Even if she was aware of what raped her?"

"I'm not Leia. I don't know. I'm just telling you what I think. I don't think she would kill it. That's all. Besides, if she was thinking of that, wouldn't you have felt it? You know, through the link thing?"

Jordan shrugged. "It's not foolproof, Bran. I couldn't tell she was having suicidal feelings, and that is something that should have been coming through loud and clear."

"And wouldn't the doctor have been able to tell if she aborted?"

"Not unless it was really recent, I don't think."

"She told me she was going to adopt. She would have told me if she was going to abort. Besides, she would have needed help getting money," Brandon said.

Jordan held up his hands. "Okay. If you say she didn't abort, I believe you. She was your friend, you would know."

"Why does it matter if she was or wasn't? I mean, even if she did abort, it's dead, and even if she was pregnant when she died, the baby would have died when she did anyway. I don't really see how this matters."

Jordan leaned back on his hands, the boards of the porch warm underneath them. "Brandon, does anything about the situation seem strange to you?"

"Besides the entire situation itself?"

"I didn’t say anything earlier, but this whole situation felt strange from the beginning. The way everyone seems to be connected in this little charade. I happen to find you, my Creator, right after one of your friends was raped by a creature brought here by another team. Because of that, even. It’s too nice and too pretty and too damn much of a coincidence. There’s something going on here, someone pulling strings behind the curtain, and I can’t figure out what they are trying to accomplish."

"I’m not following."

Jordan sighed, sounded irritated. "Look, this whole fiasco has been one coincidence after another. Leia's death is something in our favor. No, I’m not glad she is dead. I wish to God she was not. I know you miss her, and I hate seeing you in so much pain and grief and I would wish her back for that alone. But we can’t ignore the fact that we thought there was a child that needed to die, and now the mother is dead and the child might never have existed... It doesn’t make sense."

"It was Leia's own personal choice to commit suicide," Brandon said slowly. "Everything else is a crazy coincidence, yes, but I think what Leia did was because she was miserable and unhappy and scared to death, and I was just too fucking blind to see it. Let me ask you something. You said that Enablers and Creators are brought together by a kind of attraction, like the opposite poles of a magnet."

Jordan nodded. He hadn't thought about it that way before but it was an apt metaphor.

"Okay. So what if... like the same way I attracted you, this group attracted us."

Jordan frowned. "What?"

"Like, Nikki said that if you hadn't moved here, then something would have happened that would bring me to Chicago. She said that 'Fate brings Creators and Enablers together, without fail'. So, what if the same force that brings Creators and Enablers together is the same force that brings Creator and Enabler teams together? And that's why all this stuff is going on?"

Jordan looked like he was thinking. "You know, that's a possibility. You think the reason that all this stuff is going on is because there are two teams in close proximity and that causes a kind of synergy? What they do affects what action we take and vice versa? With Leia thrown in as a wild card?"

"Well, yeah, kinda. I mean, it's a possibility." Brandon shrugged, looking a little sheepish. "I could be wrong."

"Or you could be right," Jordan said. "Let me ask Dalaja what she thinks about it. I think you could be onto something."

Brandon relaxed a little. He had been a little afraid of speaking up, afraid that what he was going to say would sound stupid, because it was obvious that Jordan knew a whole lot more about this whole thing than he did and why would he think of something that Jordan would miss? But apparently, Jordan didn't think it was a dumb idea. Or if he did, he was hiding it very well, and either way, it made Brandon feel a little better.

"I was also wondering if you could find the Enabler?" Brandon asked. "Kinda the way Dalaja is able to? You felt him before when he tried to bring that whatever over. Can you kinda... I don't know, hone in on him or something?"

"I've tried, several times," Jordan said. "But whoever it is has dropped off my radar. Seriously. It was like they just disappeared."

Brandon frowned. "What, so, they just up and left?"

"Feels like it."

"But..." Brandon stopped and thought about it. "If that happened, then the Creator would have to go, too, right?"

"It depends on the strength of their bond. If they had a strong, tight bond, then yes. But if their bond was new and pretty superficial, like ours was when we first met, then probably not."

"Our bond is not superficial."

"I said when we first met. When we still didn't really like or trust each other."

Brandon looked down at his feet. "I want to do it."

"Do what?"

"The thing where we can strengthen our connection. You said that other teams can do it. I want us to."

"Why?"

"Because. I want us to have a stronger connection; I want us to be a stronger team. If we are going to go up against this other team, and I think we ought to, I want us to be strong. Plus, I thought if I had a bond with you, it might help me be more psychic."

"Help you be more psychic?"

"Yeah. If you are psychic and I am strongly connected to you, then maybe I can pick up some of that and use it to see if I can help find the other Creator. And besides, didn't you want to strengthen our bond anyway?"

"Yeah."

"So let's do it."

"All right." Jordan smiled. "I'll check with Dalaja, like I've been meaning to, and make sure that there's nothing that can surprise us and then we'll try it in a few days. Okay?"

"Good."

Jordan bit his lip nervously. There was something else he needed to talk to Brandon about, but he wasn't sure how to bring it up. Wasn't even sure if he really wanted to, needed to.

Maybe he should just wait. Bide his time and see what happened. Besides, Brandon seemed to be returning to his old self and he didn't want to do anything else to upset that.

"Hey, stop that," Brandon said, breaking his train of thought.

"Huh?"

"Stop biting yourself." Brandon reached out and touched his lip with his thumb. Jordan blushed and released his lip. Brandon leaned in and gave him a quick, gentle kiss. "There, all better," he said, glancing up at Jordan and smiling at him. He leaned forward and gave Jordan another kiss. "Is this okay?" he asked softly, checking Jordan's face with uncertain eyes. Jordan, in lieu of answering, gave him a kiss back. They spent the remainder of their afternoon sitting in the sunlight, lips coming together to meet again and again.

Jordan sat at his desk, tapping his pen against his notebook. He sighed and moved aside his books. Homework just wasn't happening that night; he had too many things on his mind. Brandon's proposal of strengthening their connection along with his suggestions about the other team needed to be considered as well as...

Jordan blushed. Brandon was obviously pretty comfortable with the idea of them kissing. It was obvious that Brandon didn't have an issue with them being together. He, on the other hand...

He liked Brandon. Liked hanging out with him, liked his weird sense of humor, liked his energy, his uncomplicated honesty. Loved the fact that he loved his friends and family so fiercely.

Maybe he could make this work. Maybe he could have Brandon as a Creator and a boyfriend... as long as he made sure being one wouldn't affect the other.

Maybe, maybe, maybe... He picked up the phone and called Brandon.

"Hello."

Hearing Brandon's voice on the other end of the line almost made Jordan want to hang up, but that would be stupid. Brandon already knew it was him on the line; Jordan had programmed his number onto Brandon's cell himself. "Hey."

"Jordan?"

"Yeah.

"What's up?"

"Not much. Um... I was just thinking if maybe we could get together sometime soon and talk and stuff."

"Sure. About what? Is something going on?"

"No, nothing in particular. I just thought it would be nice if we could just talk and do... something."

There was a bit of a pause then Brandon spoke. "I'm sorry, man, but I'm really not following you."

Jordan sighed and closed his eyes in exasperation. Count on Brandon to make this harder than it needed to be. "I'm trying to ask you out on a date, you idiot."

There was a slight pause on the other end of the line. "A date."

"Well... yeah."

"Like a date where you come and pick me up in your car and we argue about who pays and I try out cheesy moves like faking a yawn and stretching to get my arms around you?" Brandon asked, a bit teasingly.

"Well, I don't know about the arguing about who pays part, but the rest of it sounds pretty good," Jordan said, feeling his face grow warm. There was another pause. Jordan waited, pulling on his bottom lip with his teeth.

"Okay. Is Friday night okay?"

"Yeah. Friday night sounds awesome. I'll pick you up around seven, okay?"

"Fine. I have to be back by midnight though."

"Okay. Friday then."

Jordan found himself smiling as he hung up the phone.

Brandon was a little nervous on Friday night. He and Jordan were going out on a date. A real date, not the usual meeting after school. Brandon kept his appearance toned down a little, just because it was Jordan, and spent the majority of Friday evening in a state of nervous apprehension. He needn't have worried. Jordan had been right on time and had given him a flower, a cheerful daisy, after they had left his house.

"Are you hungry?" Jordan asked, pulling out of the driveway and heading downtown.

"For what?" Brandon asked, giving him a look of wide eyed innocence, twirling the stem of the daisy in between his fingers.

Jordan grinned and his cheeks grew pink. "Food, you pervert."

"Famished."

Jordan took him to an unpretentious little bistro downtown, which was a great relief to Brandon who had worried that Jordan, who had a whole lot of money, might have taken him somewhere that was incredibly fancy where there was a wine list and a menu full of items with unpronounceable names. But that would be silly because Jordan was unpretentious himself, and that was one of the reasons Brandon liked him.

After they had ordered their food, Jordan excused himself from the table momentarily, but before he left, he had leaned over and had given Brandon a quick, simple kiss. It was at that moment that Brandon thought that he might not mind being gay so much after all. It would probably bother him later, like after telling his parents, which he was planning on doing tonight, or the first time someone beat him up or shouted a homophobic slur at him. It sure as hell bothered him when he was with Keith. But now he was with Jordan, and being with him didn't bother him at all.

After they had left the bistro, which had the best turkey, provolone, basil, tomato, mayo, mustard on wheat bread ever, Jordan took him to a planetarium, which Brandon normally thought would be boring, but turned out to be quite fun, with the guide pointing out the constellations while telling some of the stories behind them. And it had been nice to sit there in the dark, looking up at a beautiful, albeit artificial, sky with Jordan's hand in his.

Then Jordan drove him home where they sat in the driveway for the longest time, just talking about random stuff and occasionally kissing. Jordan was careful not to let the conversation veer into the realm of Creating and Enabling. They talked about ridiculous things, like some of the stuff at the planetarium, and Brandon told Jordan a little bit about himself and his family, his past. Jordan liked watching Brandon talk, the way he smiled. And that would lead to him wanting to kiss him again. It was a delicious cycle.

“I better get on inside,” Brandon finally said. “It’s getting late and I... I kinda need to talk to my mom and dad.”

“About what?”

“The fact that I’m dating guys.”

“Oh.” Jordan thought about having to tell his brother and felt his stomach grow cold. “All right. Do you think they’ll be okay with it?”

“Yeah. I hope so.”

“Well, if they aren’t, give me a call, okay? I’ll come back over and pick you up.”

Brandon felt a tiny bit of déjà vu, remembering how he had given Leia a similar reassurance when she had been getting ready to tell her mom she was pregnant.

“Okay. Thanks.” Brandon leaned over to kiss him one more time. Jordan’s hand came up to grip the back of his head, and his tongue slipped forward to split Brandon’s lips, exploring his mouth. Brandon made an appreciative sound and returned the kiss, allowing it to deepen, leaning in to Jordan.

Brandon smiled when the kiss ended, his eyes dark and unreadable. “I’ll talk to you later, okay?”

“Sure thing,” Jordan said. He watched Brandon get out of his car, run up to the door and disappear inside. He sighed and started up the car, shifted into gear and pulled out of the driveway.

Brandon went inside and took his jacket off. He went into the living room where his mom was watching the news and knitting. He sat down on the couch next to her.

She looked up and smiled. “Hey there.”

“Hey, Mom.”

She muted the television, but didn’t turn it off. “Did you have a good time tonight?”

“Yeah.”

“I‘m glad to see you going out and doing things with your friends again.”

Brandon pulled his boots off and tucked his feet up onto the couch with him. “Mom?”

“Hmm?”

“Can I talk to you and Dad? Like, together?”

His mom lowered her knitting. “Brandon, are you in trouble?”

He smiled. “No, no, nothing like that. I just have to talk to you and I want to... only tell it once.”

His mom got up and retreated to the other room. Brandon took a deep breath, letting it out slowly. He didn’t think that he would be nervous about this, but now that the time had come, he was, a little. He would never ever expect his parents to disown him or blow up at him or anything weird like that, but still... God, he hoped they wouldn’t be disappointed.

His mom returned with his dad, who was looking a little sleepy and confused, following. Brandon felt his stomach twist a little more as they both sat down, looking at him. His mom looked worried; his dad puzzled.

“What is it honey?” his mom asked. “What did you want to talk to us about?”

Brandon dug his hands into the couch cushions. Here it goes...

“Mom, Dad....I...” Brandon swallowed, his Adam’s apple clicking nervously. He felt like his whole world was ending. “I’m gay.”

His mom’s mouth dropped open in surprise. His dad’s face was impassive. “Okay," his mom said slowly, then she looked up at Brandon and her expression changed. "Oh baby,” she said softly. “Don’t be scared. That’s fine. We were wondering.”

Brandon blinked. “What?”

“Wondering whether or not you were gay,” his dad said. “We didn’t say anything to you about it because we wanted you to come to your own decision.”

“So... you’re not disappointed in me?”

“Of course not, honey,” his mom reassured him, brushing back some of his hair. “It’s nothing to be ashamed of. It’s just how you are and we won’t love you any less for it.”

“Your sister is gay, too,” his dad added.

“Kelly?”

“No, Sophie.”

"Oh." Oh God. He would have to think about that one later. He didn't think he could handle it right now. "So... you were wondering?" Brandon asked.

"Well, you never dated," his mom pointed out. "Or showed any interest in girls at all."

Brandon wanted to point out that he had no real interest in guys either before that point, but he kept quiet. "All right," he said finally. "Well, since you know, I want to tell you that Jordan is my boyfriend."

His dad scratched his chin. "The young man that was over here a couple of weeks ago?"

"Yeah."

"Hmm."

"Well, I have no problem with you seeing him; he seems like a good boy," his mom said. "Just remember that you're only sixteen, Brandon. Be responsible and use good judgment. And protection."

"Mom!"

She smiled and kissed him on his forehead, then yanked him into a spontaneous hug. "I love you," she said, hugging him tightly.

"Yeah, yeah, Mom, I love you, too."

She released him, picked up her knitting and put it in a basket next to the couch. "Well, I'm going to bed. Good night, everybody."

"Good night."

She left and Brandon and his dad looked at each other, both not sure what to say.

"Son, I'm proud of you. What you did tonight took a lot of courage."

"I wanted you guys to know."

His dad smiled. "Well, thank you. And no matter what, your mother and I will always love you and support you."

"I know."

"But you remember what your mother told you. You are sixteen. So the same rules apply, regardless of who you are with. Be respectful, understand that no means no and always wear a condom."

Brandon felt his face heat up, but for some reason, it was easier hearing this from his dad than it would have been to hear it from someone else, like his mom.

"Okay. Go get some sleep," his dad said, standing up.

"All right. Good night, Dad."

Brandon went upstairs, and after sending Jordan a quick text message to let him know everything was okay, turned off the light and fell asleep with a warm bubble of contentment replacing the gnawing fear that had been residing in his stomach only minutes earlier.