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Will Hawkins

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3,341 Journeyman Scribe 1st Class

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    Mata Atlantica, Brazil

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  1. OKAY, you now have an editor – That is good, now I will have a professional to bitch at when I discover grammatical errors in your wor!!!!
  2. True to my word, I stopped reading Book 2, and read the entirety of Book 1 amd am now back to Book 2. The information contained in Book 1 has made the relationships demonstrated in this book much more clear and I am not quite as lost. I do not how I can make myself any more clear than to say, as an author, you are a miracle worker. Each page that I read in Book 1 was a joy, and I am looking forward to this continued pleasure in Book 2. Mr Will
  3. Note to Author, The Monk ordered toasted bread at the diner; for your 'enlightenment', as he would say, bread is not entirely vegetarian as it uses some fats to make it and most fats are of animal origin. This is not a criticism, it is just a 'heads up' for your futire writing. I am going to look for Rising in the Shadows to add that series to my reading. This series has exceeded my every anticioation, Congratulations and thank you for improving a very dull winter. Mr Will
  4. Question: One of the abilities of a Lycan is to heal a wound nearly instantaneously when he 'changes'. When the panda changes, it seems his back scars would be healed or at least diminished, so that by the time he has 'changed' several times, the scas on his back would be completely healed and therefore dissappear. Okay, what am I missing? Now that Vincent is back in human form (therefore the full moon period over) will he retain the special 'changng' abilities he had during the full moon? In other words, once he has learned how to 'change' can he do it at will? Mr Will
  5. Alright, for the benefit of your US readers: Boxing Day is the day after Christmas Day and in history was the day the lord of the manor would gather up all the remains of the Christmas feast, put them into boxes and distribute them to his tenants. It has become a habit in Britain, to give a small sum of money as a gift to tradesmen (butcher, baker, grocer, mailman, etc) in the same spirit. Americans say 'Merry Christmas', Brits say 'Happy Christmas', and just to confuse things even further, in Hawaii, they say 'Mele Kalikemaka' (there is no 'R' in the Hawaiian language). In Holland, Sankt Nicklaus (sp?) rides a white horse being led by a little Black boy and leaves small gifts for good children. Many Dutch put a sabot (wooden shoe) out at the entrance to their home with straw in it for the horse to eat. The fir tree is of German origin, but not connected with Christmas; when building a house, a small fir tree was tied to the highest roof beam as thanks to the Gods of the forest for the use of their wood in the building. In ancient days Christmas tree lights were small candles clipped onto the branches of the fir tree (with a bucket of water sitting nearby in case of accident) to bring back the bright days of Springtime. Oh, there are hundreds more Christmas traditions in various parts of the world and a study of them would be very interesting. Christmas and Easter are probably the most widely celebrated Christian holidays in the world.
  6. he charged Caleb, Dave, and I — he charged Caleb, Dave, and me Pronoun object of verb 'charged'. Remember what I said about leaving the other 'subject nouns' out of the sentence, then checking to see if it makes sense. He said that with a short — This should be 'snort' as well. I am looking forward to meeting VincentW when the moon rises. With all the friends, and even a god supporting Vincent, I can imagine that his wolf will be spectacular. It is going to be most interesting how the author expresses all of Vincents many abilities in the appearance of his wolf. Mr Will
  7. This is an exciting plot twist; following the physical and intellectual development if a shifter's wolf is going to make fascinating reading, especially because Vincent is going to learn how to be an Alpha along with the wolf's development. I do not know of ever having seen that process in any shifter story. Your story has had a few slower spots, but this twist opens up a very unique opportunity for your creative skills. 'You go Astone!
  8. 'That stuff was fire.' – Did you mean that stuff was fine? Alfredo is not spicy enough to be referred to as fire. I believe your spell-check fucked you up again. Suggestion: after a spell-check always read your work again to see if spell check has screwed up your meaning. I know that as an author, and therefore a creative person, you get so damn tired of going over your work time after time, but when software screws you up, it becomes a requirement. But believe me, what disgusts an author even more is to constantly recheck punctuation. That is just frustration!
  9. emotions have run their courses – 'emotions' is one of a elect species of nouns that are plural looking , but really singular, so better to say 'emotions have run their course.' "Almost on queue" — Almost on cue A 'queue' is a line of people to enter a theater, perhaps or a braided bunch of hair hanging down a china-man's back…a cue is a signal, usually verbal, for an actor to enter a scene and is the better homophone to use here.
  10. There is a point I wish to make having nothing to do with your writing skill. All my gay life I have had continuing interest personally, in partners with an absolute minimim of body hair, No, not artificially removed by shaving, but just a natural minimal amount. As an artist, I have felt that a large quantity of body hair tended to hide the muscles I loved to put into my drawings of men. That should make your descriptions of great amounts of body hair on your characters somewhat negative to me, however, I find your descriptions of the effect of large amounts of body hair, being a positive in their sexual relationships, and an integral part of their attraction to one another. That modification in my feelings, is a testament to your authoring ability. I consoled my wolf — I consulted my wolf You would not console your wolf unless he was very sad. helm of his large frill — helm of his large grill
  11. classes for new instated shifters — this wording is confusing, might it be better said, 'classes for newly installed shifters' instead? patented sky grins — did you mean, 'patented 'sly' grins'… fucked by spell-check again!!!
  12. Several of the readers have commented on your writings at various points by saying "I cannor wait …. for such and such to happen." I hope you can interpret those in the manner in which they are intended …. To me, being a lover of the nuances of the English language, what they are implying is "I am looking forward to …." Their statements imply an eagerness and a joy in the reading. Sometimes, especially to readers to whom English is not a 'milk language', the intended support and encourage-ment of the commenter's wording gets lost or is hidden in different meanings of words which, to them, are perfectly clear. I would like to encourage you to accept comments of that sort as being 'eager acceptance' and 'joyous anticipation', rather than any less positive 'hurry up, slow poke and get it done.' Also, as an author you should note the large number of comments appended at the end of every chapter. that number implies a continuing and undeminishing interest in your writing; a sense of, 'you are doing great work and I love your writing.' Mt Will
  13. Woops, I missed posting a sugestion in the posting above: wrist that bared the bracelet — wrist that bore the bracelet verb format error The verb bared means un'cover, strip, lay bare, undress, unclothe, denude, expose
  14. 'Caleb let a loud purr' — Lions cannot purr, they lack the flap of skin that allows smaller members of the cat family to purr. However lions can roar which is an ability that small felines do not have. If a lion is pleased with something, he will make a sound like a 'chuff'. Intermediate sized cat-folk may purr or chuff, but not both as the sounds rely on a physical difference. 'Work with Vincent and I' — 'work with Vincent and me.' Pronoun case. This example is from a spoken line by a character. I do not usually remark on faults in speeches by characters (as opposed to descriptive lines by the author), but I broke my rule in this case as it was an opportunity to make a point. How to tell of a pronoun is in the proper case? Just say the line omitting the noun phrase and the sound will be an excellent clue to an author: "work with ….. I." is obviously in error as it grates on the ear, and 'I' must be an objective word for the preposition 'with'.
  15. One woild expect the characterization to be good in a story by you, Astone, but in this chapter you exceeded your normal abilities in the pacing. Starting out with the relaxed pace of the rising and the research in the library, an increased tension with the date at the restaurant, and the shock in the final scene, the pacing matched the level of tension from low to great as the day progressed. In the car crash, did the mention of changes in the color imply that Vincent created a bubble of protection about the two if them to keep from either getting hurt in the collision? I got that impression from some of the wording. If that is true, then his powers have taken a leap up a notch because of the emergency. Because I am reading this story after it is published, I do not have the long wait that many of your current readers have so I do not mind a 'cliffie' as much as many do. But it certainly ends the chapter with a bang! Mr Will
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