Not The Sun - 8. Chapter Eight: Leia

08 ~Leia~

Jordan glanced at Brandon as he drove. Brandon was hunched over in his seat, looking lost and younger than ever in a pair of blue jeans and an oversized sweatshirt with his hair still damp from the shower.

Brandon hadn’t wanted to go to school... Jordan hadn’t been excited about the idea either, but Brandon also didn’t want to stay in his house all day by himself either, so Jordan took him to his house. Jordan wasn’t sure what they were going to do once they got there-all he cared about was getting a shower and a change of clothes at the moment-but he would figure something out. Brandon hadn’t brought up that impromptu kiss yet, and Jordan wanted to keep it that way.

Jordan pulled up to his house and killed the engine. “C’mon," he said. He led Brandon inside and took him up to his room.

Brandon remembered the first time he came here, how he was awed by the sheer size of everything and the obvious display of wealth. Any other time, he would have been thrilled at the opportunity to look around some more, but now he could hardly muster up the energy to care. Couldn’t muster up the energy to care for anything, really.

So he collapsed on Jordan’s bed and stared at the ceiling while Jordan disappeared to take a shower. While he waited, he migrated over to the window, looking out at the wide expanse of trees. He thought about Leia’s slender form dangling from one of those branches and felt sick.

“Penny for your thoughts,” Jordan said from behind him. Brandon turned and saw Jordan standing in the doorway, wearing a pair of jeans and a polo shirt, his hair still damp. It was so preppy, so perfectly Jordan that Brandon almost smiled. “My thoughts aren’t worth that much,” he said, glancing out the window. “Can we go outside?” he asked, suddenly feeling strangely claustrophobic inside the spacious walls.

“Sure.”

They walked. Jordan told him there was a brook that ran through the property, but Brandon had little interest in that; he just wanted to be outside. There was already a thick carpet of leaves underfoot that crunched underneath their steps.

“So,” Jordan said. “Do you want to talk?”

“‘Bout what?”

“Yesterday,” Jordan said after careful consideration.

Brandon looked down. “I’m a little embarrassed about freaking out so bad. But I just-I dunno. Didn’t know how to handle it, how to deal.” He paused for a second. “I miss her already. I can’t believe I’ll walk into class and not see her anymore.”

“I know. Tell me some more about Leia.”

Brandon glanced at him. “Why?”

“It usually helps.

Brandon shrugged. “I dunno, she's just... Leia. I mean, I’ve known her ever since I can remember. We lived right across the street from one another. She and Alexis have always been my friends and I met Andrew in kindergarten and we all banded together. But with me and Leia, it was always different. We just... got each other, you know. Like we could tell what the other one was thinking about without even having to ask. Andrew and Alexis are awesome, but Leia was special. When she was a little older, her mom got another job and they moved, not far, but enough so that we couldn’t see each other every day and we were never as close as we used to be, but still...” Brandon looked down at his hands, his boots. “I can remember one time when we were really little and these guys were teasing her at recess. And she was standing there and trying so hard not to cry. She wanted to, you could tell; there were tears in her eyes and her lip kept quivering. Andrew and I chased them away and she looked up at me and said 'I was not scared, you know!' and then she started bawling. And I hugged her and Andrew gave her a piece of bubble gum and...” Brandon swallowed and his vision blurred and broke up under his tears. “And I told her that she never needed to be scared because I would always take care of her because she was Princess Leia and I would protect her like Luke Skywalker. And that’s what I did. It’s what we all did. But it wasn’t enough this time, it just wasn’t enough. I-I had promised to protect her and I didn’t. I didn’t protect her from that thing that hurt her and raped her. I wasn’t there for her when she needed me. I-I wasn’t there for her when she needed help. I let her down. Oh God, God, Leia, I’m so sorry.”

Jordan moved so quickly and so quietly that Brandon was almost taken by surprise when he felt his arms come around him. “Don’t do that Brandon.” Jordan’s voice was low and serious near his ear. “Don’t blame yourself. Whatever choices Leia did or did not make were her choices. I know it’s tempting to play what if. But it doesn’t work. It doesn’t help and it doesn’t change what happened. I know it hurts, but it wasn’t your fault. You were a good friend, Brandon; you cared. But you can’t control everything. There are some things you can’t change, no matter how much you wish you could.”

“I just wish I had seen it,” Brandon said. “You know, that I had picked up on a sign or something. I just don’t get it. I thought she was fine. She seemed... not happy, not really, but kind of at peace with her decision. Content with it. She didn’t seem unhappy, anxious or depressed. In some ways, she was the best I’ve ever seen her.”

“Sometimes,” Jordan said carefully, “a person who is contemplating suicide can have a huge personality change. It can seem pretty sudden. If anything, I should have been paying closer attention. If I had been, maybe I could have seen what was happening under the surface and done something to intervene. Then someone who I care a lot about wouldn’t be sitting here in pain right now.”

Brandon exhaled and pressed his face into Jordan’s jacket, liking the way the cool material felt against his hot face. “Can we walk some more?”

“Sure.”

They walked down to the creek, where Brandon stood for a long time watching the water tumble and ripple around rocks and tree roots. “Do you want to hear something kinda ridiculous?” Brandon asked finally.

“Okay.”

“I was going to ask her to marry me.”

Jordan raised his eyebrows. “Pardon?”

Brandon looked mildly embarrassed. “Yeah. When I first found out, when she was still trying to come up with a course of action and before I found out about the monster mutant thing. If she was going to keep it, I was going to ask her to marry me and then we could raise it together. We would only have to wait until I was seventeen. There is nothing Leia would have hated more than being a single mom.”

“What would she have said?”

“A resounding no. After punching me for daring to suggest it. She would have thought that I was doing it out of sympathy and would have hated me for it."

“Wouldn’t it have been out of sympathy?”

Brandon shook his head. “Hell no. She wouldn’t need my help. No, my motives are purely selfish. I would have done it so we could be together. I would have hated to lose her once the baby was born. So no, I was only interested in what I wanted, and I was banking on her being desperate enough to consider it--after she had ranted and raved and publicly rejected me first, of course.”

“Do you think she would have accepted?”

“Not at first. Her pride wouldn’t let her. But... eventually... maybe, maybe not. It’s a moot point now... in many ways." Brandon wiped at his eyes. He didn’t want to cry anymore, but he was like a faucet that wouldn’t stop leaking, the tears just wouldn’t stop coming. "Can we head back inside now? I'm tired."

"Sure thing."

They walked back into the house and Jordan led him upstairs to the same bedroom he had stayed in just a few nights before. It had been in a different lifetime, before his life had been deeply, irrevocably changed. Brandon thanked Jordan then shut the door, kicked off his shoes and laid down on the bed.

Jordan sighed as he went back downstairs to fix some lunch. Christ, what a way to f*ck things up. True, Leia's death had solved one problem, but had caused and compounded about a thousand other ones. He fixed some sandwiches, and saved several for Brandon for when he woke up. He ate and then went back upstairs to check on him. Brandon was asleep, his face slack and body limp. Jordan sat down next to him and brushed his hair back from his face. He looked down at him for several minutes, then got up and left the room. Watching Brandon had filled him with strange thoughts... thoughts of what it would be like to lay down in bed beside Brandon, spooning up to that slim body and kissing the damp hair at the nape of his neck. Jordan closed his eyes. Ever since Brandon's surprising announcement Sunday, he had found himself dwelling on that encounter more and more. Before, he had never even allowed those thoughts to enter his mind, but now not only did he allow them, he welcomed them.

He wasn't gay by any means... he loved women, adored women, the way they looked, smelled, the way they walked and the way they laughed. The way they wrapped their legs around his hips during sex, the sexy cries and moans they made during orgasm. God, yes, he loved women.

Brandon was not a woman. That was obvious enough, but... Okay, he could admit it. Brandon was sexy. Brandon was sexy as hell. It was stamped all over him, the way he dressed, the way he walked, the way he smirked and winked and flirted. It all screamed sex appeal, but that was true of many people. And he had noticed, sure, but not to the extent that he had now. Not to the extent that he wanted to...

Wanted to do what? Kiss him? Hold him? Fuck him? Yeah, that was a way to fuck Brandon's broken psyche up a little bit more than it already was.

Brilliant Jordan, he told himself and tilted his head back, staring at the ceiling. He just needed to forget all of this. What Brandon needed right now was a friend and an Enabler, not a hormonal teenager who couldn't even figure out what his preferences were. He sighed and went back downstairs, where it was safer for both of them.

Brandon was beginning to wish he had stayed home the next day. School was horrible. The day started out with a memorial for Leia in the school gymnasium, which was a nice enough gesture, but it was miserable having to sit there listening to the principle drone on and on about the uncertainty of life and living each day to the fullest and not even mentioning a word about Leia, while bored students passed notes and launched spitballs at each other or openly gossiped without bothering to keep their voices down. Brandon sat next to Andrew and stared at his feet as his head pounded, wishing Jordan was sitting with him. But Jordan sat in another portion of the gym with a different group of people, and it would take more than the death of a student to break those rigid social lines. So Brandon sat there helplessly and tried to pretend he was somewhere else. The gymnasium felt too hot and it was hard for him to breathe.

He was constantly being bombarded by curious students with thoughtless, tactless questions, thinking no more of his pain than their own curiosity. How well did you know her? Did you hear how she died? Was she really pregnant? Did she tell you that she was going to kill herself? That last question pissed him off the most. If she had told him, didn't they think he would have done something about it?

All in all, Brandon was feeling a bit relieved to be going home.

The week passed in a blur, quickly and in a way that made little sense. Friday was the day of Leia's funeral. Jordan came by to pick Brandon up, looking somber but handsome in his dark suit. Brandon was glad that he was there, even though he couldn't remember much of the service. A dark casket was set up at the front of the church, and next to it was a grainy picture of Leia from her yearbook photo. She had her hair down and was smiling in the picture and the soft quality of it made her look very beautiful. There was a lot of rambling on by a minister, then a couple of people from school, people who didn't even know Leia, went up to speak in a public display of ignorance. One of the speakers even described Leia as cheerful, bright and vivacious. Please.

The burial was the worst. Leia didn't have a lot of family, so he and Andrew stepped in as pallbearers. He stood outside with everyone else near the hole where Leia would be laid to rest while the minister said some more words and a hugely fat child played a hymn on the bagpipes. Then a prayer. Sometime during the process, he felt Alexis' cold hand slip into his right. So he reached out with his left and took Jordan's hand and stood there with two friends on either side, holding their hands, but was unable to draw comfort from either. He felt like he was all alone, watching them put his friend down in the ground. It was so wrong, it was so messed up.

Eventually, he started to cry and the deep painful sobs tore at his chest. He couldn't stop even though he was embarrassed and a little ashamed. He blindly turned towards Jordan, pressing his face into his shoulder, ruining his suit with his tears. He felt Jordan's arm come around his shoulders and Alexis hugging him from behind, and he just stood there crying for Leia and Alexis and Andrew and Jordan and everyone who ever had to feel this pain.

Jordan dropped him off at Leia's house for the wake but wouldn't come inside with him to pay his respects. When Alexis found Brandon later on, he was sitting on the floor upstairs right outside Leia's room.

"Hey," she said, sitting down next to him. Brandon didn't look up. "How are you holding up?"

"Okay, I guess."

"I miss her."

"Me too."

Alexis smiled and fingered one of her earrings. "I remember, when we were in middle school and we were about to unveil our new 'look' in the seventh grade. And you and Andrew thought we were crazy. And we walked in together and people were looking and staring because Leia had on all this crazy makeup and my hair was this violent shade of purple and it was so fucking awesome. And Leia looked so totally cool, like she didn't give a shit that all these people were looking at us like we were freaks. But we were holding hands and I could feel her sweaty palms and the way she was trembling slightly. And I squeezed her hand and she turned and she smiled and said, 'Relax Lexi. Nothing matters except for what we think.' And I thought, 'My god, she is so brave'."

Brandon listened, a little bit interested in spite of himself. He had never heard this story. Alexis continued.

"And ever since then, I wanted to be as brave as she was. But I never was. She was shy but not a coward. I always envied the way she never was afraid to say anything, or do anything... even fall in love."

"Yeah, well, look at where that got her," Brandon said bitterly.

Alexis seemed to not notice his tone of voice. "I want to be brave like her," she continued. "I know this is a bad time--probably the worst time in the world, as a matter of fact, but I want to do this now while I'm stilling feeling brave, like she was."

Hearing Leia spoken of in the past tense like that almost made him lose it again, but he swallowed back the tears and told them to wait until he at least got home.

"Do what?" he asked, finally lifting his head up to look at her.

"Either something that is incredibly brave, or incredibly stupid; I'll find out in a minute or two," Alexis said, her voice shaking. "Brandon, I- I-" She looked at him and Brandon could see that her eyes were shiny bright with tears before she leaned in and pressed her mouth over his.

He sat perfectly still as her mouth moved over his, his mind blanking out. Then a deep, deep sadness, not as horrible as how he felt over Leia's death but close, crowded in.

Oh Alexis...

He almost considered letting it go. Just for a minute, because Alexis was soft and warm and she was here and willing. And it wasn’t as if he disliked her. Alexis was simple, kind and uncomplicated.

But he couldn’t love her. Not like that. And it would be so terribly wrong to let her think otherwise. He gently pulled away, watched her as she blinked, looking at him with heavy eyes.

“Alexis...” He swallowed and hated himself for a brief moment. “Don’t think that I don’t love you, because I do. I swear I do. But not in the way you want me to. I will always be your friend, but I can’t be anymore than that. I’m sorry.”

She pressed her lips together and a couple of tears slipped out of her eyes. “You-” She paused for a second, then continued. “You don’t have the same feelings for me that I have for you, do you?”

“No, Alexis. I’m sorry. I wish I did, right now, I really do. But I’m not going to lie about how I feel. You deserve to be with someone who can love you back.”

Alexis was quiet. “Is it someone else?”

“I’m sorry?”

“Someone else you have those feelings for?”

“I don’t know. Maybe.”

“Who is it?”

“You don’t need to know. It doesn’t change anything.”

“You’re right. I know that.” Alexis wiped at her eyes. “God, I’m an idiot.”

“No you’re not. You-”

“Don’t,” Alexis said. She wiped at her eyes again. “Listen, I know this is really shitty of me, but I just… I can’t be around you right now. After what I said. So I’m just going to go now. All right?”

“All right.”

Alexis got to her feet and walked away quickly. Brandon sat still for a moment, then rocked forward and threw his head back against the wall behind him as hard as he could. The smack of his head against the plaster calmed him slightly and he did it a few more times before he felt like he could get to his feet and actually face the prospect of interacting with people. He wanted to go home.

In fact, considering what had just happened, Brandon thought it might be a good idea to leave. He didn't want to go without saying good-bye to Leia's mother, though. He didn't know her very well, but she had loved Leia, probably more than anyone else had.

He walked through the rooms filled with dark clad mourners and found Leia's mother in the kitchen, a cigarette in her mouth as she filled plates with food. She glanced over at Brandon as he entered and her mouth twitched in what might have passed for a grin under normal circumstances.

"Hey," she said, her voice rough and gravelly sounding, not her usual smooth alto. She had never been a pretty woman, but there had been a certain kind of beauty in her strong features. Now her jet black hair was liberally streaked with gray and the lines in her face were deeply carved into her skin... She had aged many years in several days.

"Hey, Ms. Regaldo. Um... I just wanted to say good-bye. I'm not sure if I'll be coming by much anymore, since--"

"Since she died," Leia's mother finished for him. She blew a stream of smoke out through her nostrils. "Let me tell you something, young man. I might never have approved of many of Leia's friends, but I always liked you. Leia adored you and you are a good kid. I was glad my Leia kept her friendship with you. You were good for her."

"Um… thanks, I guess." He saw the woman's hands shaking badly as she tried to slice a ham and took the knife, doing it for her. "Are you going to be okay?" he asked, a little concerned.

"Yeah." Leia's mother stubbed out the cigarette in an overflowing ashtray. "I hope so. I'm still in shock. Like none of it is real. Like I'm living someone else's bad dream.”

Brandon knew exactly how she felt.

“Did Leia tell you that she thought she was pregnant?” Leia’s mother asked.

“Yes. Leia told me she was pregnant.”

“Thought that she was pregnant,” Leia’s mother corrected.

Brandon’s stomach gave a fast, horrible flip. “I’m afraid I’m not getting you.”

“She thought she was pregnant. She told me all about it. I had never seen that girl so scared. I was, too, to tell you the truth.” Leia’s mother lit another cigarette. “She told me she had done the home tests and it was positive, so I made her go and see Dr. Kallis, he’s an OB/Gyn, and he tested her. It came back positive. So we thought it was all set. We were about to sit down and have a serious talk about her options when...” Leia’s mother gestured emptily at nothing. “When it happened. I got a call. The autopsy... there was nothing there. She… She wasn’t pregnant.”

Brandon felt like someone had just punched him. All the oxygen left his body in an explosive rush, and he felt his hand tighten convulsively on the handle of the knife as the room spun in a fit of lightheaded dizziness. Sparks danced in front of his eyes and he hung on to consciousness with weak fingers.

“Are you okay?” He could hear the voice of Leia’s mother, sounding tinny and distant in his ears.

“Yeah.” Brandon managed and closed his eyes until the world stopped spinning and he was able to breathe properly. “Yeah, I just-I didn’t know.”

“No one did,” Leia’s mother said. “All the tests came back positive. If I didn’t know better--never mind.”

“If you didn’t know better, what?” Brandon asked.

“I was going to say if I didn’t know better, I would have thought she aborted. But that’s ridiculous. She wouldn’t have told me she was pregnant if she was going to-” Leia’s mother scrubbed her hand across her eyes. “Dumb girl. It didn’t even matter whether or not she was pregnant; I loved her anyway. I would have helped her if she had given me a chance. My poor baby.” Leia’s mother sniffed and picked up the slices of ham, arranging them on a plate. “Now she’s gone and I’m still here and I don’t even know why.” She glanced over at Brandon. “I just want my daughter back.” She picked up the tray. “You can show yourself out, right?”

“Sure,” Brandon said softly. Leia’s mother turned and left the kitchen without another word and Brandon left Leia’s house feeling alone and confused and heart sick.

It was a long walk back to his house, but Brandon didn’t mind. He wanted to be alone. As he walked, his mind went back through the conversation he had just had with Leia’s mother. What a way to put an entirely new spin on things. Leia wasn’t even pregnant. She had killed herself for nothing. Jordan had been wrong.

He sighed and went inside the house. Kelly was sitting on the couch watching TV, but she turned it off as soon as Brandon came in. “Hey.”

“Hey lil' pup,” he said, shedding his suit jacket. “Where’s Mom and Dad?”

“Gone. Left this morning, remember? They have this big fundraiser for Mom’s company this weekend.”

“Oh.” He hadn’t remembered. In fact, until she had mentioned it, he hadn’t remembered being told about it at all, even though he was sure he had been. “Do you need something to eat?”

“No, I fixed something myself,” Kelly said. She bit her lip. “Do you wanna play cards with me? Please?”

He wanted to be left alone, to find some dark place where he didn’t have to think. Didn’t have to feel. Didn’t have to exist.

“Sure thing.”

Kelly went to go get the cards and Brandon wandered into the kitchen. He opened up the freezer, found the key to the liquor cabinet in the icemaker and unlocked it.

Hmm... He pushed aside the rum and the tequila. Not that they weren't lovely beverages of their own right, but he was looking for his first love, his ultimate comfort...vodka. He opened up the vodka bottle and poured a shot of it, downed it quickly and chased it with orange juice. He made a screwdriver, composed of more liquor than juice then went into the living room where his sister was shuffling the cards.

"I wanna play war, okay?" Kelly said.

"Sure thing sweetheart," Brandon said.

War was an easy game to play, relying more on luck than any kind of skill, which was probably the only way Brandon kept up with it as long as he did. He had gone back for some more vodka at some point and after a while he noticed that he couldn't manage to hold the cards, much less remember how to play the game. He could remember Kelly's voice, sounding scared. He had felt a twinge of guilt over her; after all, he was supposed to keep an eye on her while his parents were out of town, but that guilt was easy enough to swallow with another shot of vodka. She was eleven years old and that was old enough to take care of herself. Besides, why should he care if she was upset? She had absolutely no right to be. After all, she hadn't had to watch one of her friends be put into the ground today, hadn't had to see her coffin be slowly covered with dirt and rocks.

Why should he give a damn? Why should he care about anything?

Brandon eventually found himself at the kitchen table. The bottle of vodka, nearly empty by that point, floated and doubled in front of his eyes.

Kelly, after some crying and shouting at him, had retreated to her room. Brandon made no attempt to go up there. He would rather let her stay up there and pout and whine as long as she wasn't bothering him. Just... leave him alone and let him drink in peace.

There was a knock on the door and Brandon glanced in that direction and got up, moving with intense concentration. He opened the door and Jordan was standing there. He was still wearing the formal attire he had on earlier for the funeral, except that he had shed the jacket and tie, leaving him in the dark slacks and gray shirt. Brandon paused for a moment, trying to decide how he felt about Jordan being there then determined that he didn't really care. He turned around and went back into the kitchen, leaving the door open so Jordan could come in if he wanted to or leave if he didn't. Brandon didn't care, wouldn't care. Didn't want to care.

He sat down a bit heavily and heard Jordan come in after him. He reached for the bottle, intending to finish the last little bit off, but Jordan put his hand over the bottle opening and said, calmly, "You've had enough."

Now Brandon knew how he felt. Annoyed. "I'll decide when I've had enough," Brandon said, growing more annoyed at how fucking cheerful he sounded. Jordan took the bottle away before Brandon's lagging reflexes could catch up, and he scowled as Jordan capped it and put it back into the liquor cabinet. "Come on," Jordan said, extending his hand. Brandon slapped it away. Jordan grabbed his wrist and yanked him to his feet, catching Brandon as he stumbled and almost fell. Brandon mumbled something so incoherent that he couldn't even understand it as Jordan helped guide him out of the kitchen and up the stairs.

"Why did you come over here anyway?" Brandon asked as Jordan let go of him and allowed him to fall onto the bed. His stomach bounced along with the bedsprings, and Brandon swallowed hard, fighting off the urge to vomit.

"Your sister called. She said you were acting weird and scaring her and that she thought you might have been drinking. She didn't know what to do, so she called me. You are the authority figure in this situation, Brandon, you should know better."

"Fuck both of you," Brandon said. Jordan looked at him strangely for a minute, like he was going to hit him or something and a small part of Brandon was wishing he would, for no other reason than to give him an excuse to hit back. But all Jordan did was frown and pull off Brandon's shoes.

"Sleep it off," Jordan said. "Your sister can fare for herself for a few hours at least." He stood back up. "Maybe I should have gone with you to Leia's after the funeral."

"I don't need a fucking keeper," Brandon growled. "C'mere."

Jordan looked at him, then tossed Brandon's shoes in the closet and approached cautiously, perhaps already suspecting. "What do you need?"

"You," Brandon said and grabbed Jordan by the shoulders, pulling down hard and mashing his mouth against Jordan's in a clumsy maneuver. Before Jordan could recover, Brandon tugged again, knocking Jordan off balance and sending him tumbling down onto the bed.

"Bran, what-" Jordan started, but Brandon promptly shut him up by kissing him again, with a little more finesse than before, moving to lay on top of him to keep him from moving. This was what he needed, what he couldn't take from Alexis when she offered it, but was damned determined to take now. And yes, Jordan might hate him for it later, but he didn't care. He needed this, needed the rush, the sex, something to fill his mind so Leia couldn't find a place to hide in there anymore.

"Stop it," Jordan said, pulling away.

"Why should I?" Brandon asked, smirking. His head was spinning and he knew that he would probably end up in a pile on the floor if Jordan wanted to struggle and was a little surprised that he wasn't even trying.

"Because I asked you to."

"Come on," Brandon said softly. "It's a little too late to be making denials unless you want to pretend that kiss Monday night didn't happen. Or perhaps you're just going to act like you've forgotten all about it."

"I haven't forgotten," Jordan said. "But I think-"

"You wanna know what I think?" Brandon said. "I think that you aren't as quite as adverse to the idea of me fucking you as you think you are."

"Stop it," Jordan said again. "Let me up."

Brandon shifted slightly, rolling his hips into Jordan's. "I know you want me," Brandon said. "Come on, it's just sex."

"It's not just sex," Jordan said. He sounded slightly out of breath. "With me, it's going to be more than just sex. And it's not going to happen now. So get the hell off of me."

Brandon stared down at him. Jordan stared steadily back. Finally, Brandon pushed himself up, climbed off Jordan. Jordan got to his feet. "Get some sleep," Jordan said, sounding tired.

Brandon turned over onto his back. "You were wrong," he said.

Jordan, who had his hand on the door, about to leave, turned around to glance at him. "About what?"

"Leia. She wasn't pregnant."

Jordan blinked, frowned. His hand dropped. "Come again?"

"Leia wasn't pregnant. I spoke to Ms. Regaldo after the funeral and she told me. They found out during the... the autopsy. There wasn't..." Brandon swallowed hard, his throat swelling and hardening. "She wasn't pregnant."

"Are you sure? That she didn't-"

"Abort? I doubt it. She didn't want to."

"Okay. We'll talk about it later. Just... get some rest and I'll see you at school."

Jordan left the room and shut the door behind him. He leaned back against the door for several moments, taking a couple deep breaths. His heart was pounding a rapid fire beat inside his chest and Brandon's alcohol infused taste still tingled along the roof of his mouth, under his tongue.

Brandon's voice rolled back through his head, heavy with heat and booze. I think that you aren't as quite as adverse to the idea of me fucking you as you think you are.

Yes, Brandon was drunk and Jordan knew that he probably didn't mean it, but he couldn't deny the effect those words had on him.

Jordan ran a hand over his face.

God, he was in trouble.

Brandon lay on his back. The room felt like it was spinning in crazy circles around him and he put his foot down on the floor to keep himself from getting dizzy. What a cock up of a day. First the funeral. Then Alexis. And now he had just made a total idiot out of himself in front of Jordan. Pinning the guy you liked to your bed and threatening to fuck him was not the best way to handle things.

Fuck.

He closed his eyes and let everything spin around and bleed together.

When he opened them again, he was gone from his bedroom and was instead on a couch in a long, narrow wooden room. There was nothing else in the room except for an empty stone fireplace at the end furthest from him, and close by, an Oriental rug with a beautiful grand piano on it. He stared at the shiny wood, the stark black and white keys. He saw a movement out of the corner of his eye and saw Leia, dressed in black velvet. She didn't smile as she walked by him. She sat down at the piano and started to play. It took him a moment to catch it--Tubular Bells, the theme song from The Exorcist.

He rolled off the couch, got to his feet and approached her. She continued to play, looking down at the keys.

"Leia."

At the sound of her name, the movement of her fingers stopped and she looked up at him. Tears were running down her face.

"Brandon, I loved you," she said, her voice cracking. "Why did you let me die?"

"Leia..." Brandon said, reaching for her, but she faded away into nothingness even as he tried to touch her.

When he woke up in the middle of the night, his pillow was wet with tears.

When Jordan picked him up for school Monday morning, he acted like nothing had happened, which was cool with Brandon, who would rather not rehash that embarrassing episode. So he rode to school with Jordan, hung out with Andrew and Alexis and drank more than he probably should have, and waited for life to go back to normal, to the way it was before.

Life had other plans.