Shade Ain't the Same as Shadows - 1. Shade Ain't the Same as Shadows

Underneath This Big Ol’ Sky

By Viv

— Part 5 —

Shade Ain't the Same as Shadows

Tantalizing, translucent beads of water, much like the ones that slithered down the shower curtain, meandered down over Tracey’s shoulders and chest, all the while managing to look much more appealing as they rolled over his taut skin and lean form, than they did on some envious piece of forest green plastic. Steam billowed up and crawled on its belly across the ceiling, eager to escape from the confines of the small bathroom, but Tracey didn’t notice. If he had, he might have asked that it take the tension, the ache he just couldn’t rid himself of, with it.

His sore muscles absorbed the heat from the water, appreciating the way it seemed that each hot drop was a finger pressing into their tightness, trying to ease the strain they felt, and were grateful for the indulgence Tracey had taken. He leaned forward again, supporting his weight on his hands where they fell high up on the wall next to the stainless steel shower head, and dropped his chin to his chest. The stinging heat distracted Tracey, if only slightly, as it ran in streams down his back, and then further still, until it disappeared down the drain, and he wished that the hurt and confusion he felt could be washed away as easily.

Casey’s apology, as unclear and concise as it was, seemed to echo even louder in Tracey’s mind the more he thought about it. The words resonated audibly in Tracey’s head until they managed to confuse him even more. What was he sorry for anyway? Sorry that he had kissed Tracey again, sorry that he had done it in the first place. Maybe he was sorry that he couldn’t say how he felt when Tracey had asked him, or that being around Tracey reminded him of who he really was, what it was like to feel.

Maybe, Tracey thought with a flash of hurt, Casey was just a sorry, scared, excuse for a man who was too afraid to be himself. That wasn’t fair though, Tracey reminded himself, as he shook the thought away just as quickly. If anyone knew how hard it was to have to deal with not living up to your family’s expectations, he did. Hell, his own dad couldn’t accept who he was, so who was he to judge Casey for being unsure?

No one, that’s who, he was no one. That thought crept into his mind and was taking up residence before he even had a chance to stop it. He was no one to Casey except a threat to his nice, peaceful, worry-free, lonely, fake, half-hearted existence. He was the guy who had come crashing into Kingsman Bluff, and into his life, and he wouldn’t blame Casey one bit for wanting him gone just as quickly as he had arrived and with far less fanfare.

Still, Tracey remembered the words whispered in the shadows one night on a pile of hay in the back of a truck, the arms that caught him when he was falling, the hand holding his own. He couldn’t forget, even if he wanted to, and there was no way in hell he wanted to, the feel of Casey’s lips pressed against his own. His tongue darted out instinctively, as if searching for the feeling, the flavor, he knew still lingered there on his own.

Tracey lifted his face to the water, and then after a moment, dropped his head back and found himself wishing Casey was behind him to rest against, to hold him. He wiped at his face a moment, and then drew his hand over his rough chin before his hand fell to his chest. His thoughts ran off before he had the chance to rein them in, and as he felt the pull of the muscles in his abdomen, his fingers closed against the wet skin of his stomach in anticipation.

He recognized the tingle, the heaviness, as the ideas in his head took shape elsewhere in his body, and he shivered in appreciation as his hand finally found what it had been searching for. His touch kindled the thoughts he’d been nurturing, inciting them until he trembled with the pleasure they encouraged in him. If he concentrated hard enough, he could almost feel Casey behind him, with his arms wrapped around him, Casey’s hand on him.

”You almost done in there?” Will shouted through the closed door accompanied by a firm fist knocking.

Tracey groaned in frustration, and for the loss of the image he had managed to conjure up long enough for it to provide him some comfort, as it evaporated right along with the small amount of soothing he needed so badly. It washed away down the drain as quickly as the hot water that had soothed his sore muscles had, and left him wanting. All that remained was an ache that no hot shower could relieve, he decided. That and a handful of something else that strained as it reminded Tracey of its discontent.

”Yeah, gimme a sec’,” Tracey called out reluctantly as he buried his face in the stream of hot water once more before turning the shower off and wondering how he was going make it past Will in his condition.

Tracey ran his hands through his blond hair pushing the water that was dripping from it down his bare back, and further still to the floor, and then determinedly pushed aside the dark green plastic curtain that had helped to hold in his comforting imagination. He pulled the thick towel from the hook it hung on and hoped that he could make it out of there, and past Will, without any knowing looks being exchanged. He was in no mood to deal with Will, or the attitude he’d been slinging around lately, even if he was curious what it was all about.

He pulled the wooden door open expecting to find Will in his face, but as the steam billowed out into the main room of the bunkhouse in large puffs, all Tracey was faced with was a clear path to his bed and his clothes. Convenient, Tracey thought, as he emerged from the warmth of the bathroom and shivered as the cold, late fall air hit his still moist skin, either that or it was the way Will pushed himself away from where he had been leaning up against the wall next to the door waiting, that caused the tingle to run up his spine. It was immediate, instinctual, that Tracey pulled the pile of loose clothing he held down in front of him in an effort to conceal the result of his memories, his fantasies, the shower had roused.

”All yours,” Tracey hesitated in the face of his older bunkmate before walking toward his bed.

Expecting Will to have entered the now vacant bathroom, Tracey gasped slightly in surprise when he turned around to sit wearily on his bed only to find a curious Will watching him. He didn’t need any help to feel any worse than he already did, and he could certainly do without any additional attitude or interrogation after the scene in the barn earlier with Casey. It didn’t help matters any that every time he thought of Casey, certain other parts of him reminded him that they weren’t exactly content with how things had gone this afternoon either.

Tracey looked up at Will expectantly. It wasn’t in his nature to back down, and he certainly didn’t intend to start now, especially when it meant backing down from how he felt about Casey. Even so, if all Will was going to do was stand there and stare at him like that, he’d gladly go back and finish his shower. Certain other parts of him concurred, and Tracey hoped Will hadn’t noticed just how much as he raised his eyebrows questioningly at the man across the room.

”I didn’t mean to rush you,” Will said by way of apology, or at least as close as Tracey thought he would get to one, before walking into the bathroom and shutting the door behind him.

Tracey sighed, elbows on his knees, as his fingers ran through his wet hair once more. Faced with the choice of hanging around the bunkhouse where Will was, and if he hurried, maybe taking care of the constant reminder he was toting around with him of how much he wanted Casey or getting dressed and getting the hell out of there for a while, Tracey grabbed some jeans and pulled them on. He was dressed warmly and already pulling the door closed behind him when he heard Will open the door to the bathroom, but he wasn’t sticking around to see if Will had anything else to say to him. He’d see him soon enough at dinner, Tracey reminded himself. He stood on the small stoop of the old bunkhouse hesitantly; this place made him dizzy sometimes.

Normally if he needed some time alone, some time to get away and sort things out in his head, he’d go for a drive. Tracey’s ‘78 Camaro had promptly been towed to the county holding area after he managed to drive it through the side wall of the Kingsman’s barn, and now, well, he didn’t even know when he’d be allowed to drive it again. There was just something about feeling the wind smacking you in the face and flapping your hair around as it rushed past your ears that helped clear your head, like as it flew by you, it would reach out and grab hold of some worry and carry it away.

Tracey balanced on the edge of the stoop, teetering back and forth as he wondered where he could go to think, or to not think at all, he wasn’t sure which he needed to do more at the moment. His boots slid down off the rounded piece of wood until his toes dug into the dirt before he stepped off completely and walked away from the main house. He hadn’t had much chance to do any exploring since he’d come to Kingsman Bluff, aside from the one day he’d found the creek and went for a swim. It was too cold for that now though, Tracey thought, as he shoved his hands down into the pockets of his jeans.

He wandered around a bit, watching the sun as it grew exponentially larger and deeper in color, more beautiful, the closer it got to meeting the spot on the horizon where it would disappear until it snuck up behind you the next morning. He wondered what Casey would look like in the twilight, the shadows softening everything for the last time that day, perhaps softening the wall that he had erected that afternoon. Tracey still didn’t understand what had happened. One minute he’s asking Casey for a sliver of hope, some truth he could hold onto, and then next thing he knows, Casey is kissing him, then just as quickly, he had run off apologizing.

Tracey was even more confused now, if that was possible. There was something there when he was with Casey, he knew it, he felt it. There was no way it was just his imagination, not when he felt that his heart wanted to jump out of his chest half the time and go chasing after him, or the way his skin tingled when Casey touched him, as if it had a memory of its own and wanted to be able to conjure up the feeling again at any time.

Tracey absent mindedly ran his fingers over his lips, the last place that Casey had touched him, and wondered if he had chosen to walk in the opposite direction toward the comforting porch in front of the yellow house, if that might have made him feel better. He supposed not, and besides, that was Casey’s house and he had no right to invade his space. Not anymore than he already had, anyway.

The small dirt path that he had followed, more innately than purposefully, curved around a large bolder and soon, Tracey found himself walking along a fence. Had he been paying attention, he’d have realized where he was, but he was far away, thinking about nothing and everything all at once. His hand ran along the top of the fence gingerly, not keen on having to spend the evening digging splinters of old wood out of his palm, but feeling like he needed something to hold onto, to keep him grounded.

Tracey followed the wooden fence until it deposited him outside the barn where he chose to run his fingertips along the outside of the building instead. He turned the corner when he came to it, and was faced with the huge hole he and his Camaro had made when they came crashing through the wall. He shook his head sadly; he hadn’t meant to let things get so out of hand that night. He was grateful, more than anything, that no one had been hurt.

He hadn’t been thinking about it at the time, but there were horses in the barn, Red, Geronimo, and Sheba. He was afraid of the large animals at first, but now, well, he just wouldn’t be able to live with himself if he’d hurt them. Hell, Casey could have been in the barn for that matter, and the thought caused him physical pain as a wave of nausea flooded through his body and his chest tightened until he felt like he couldn’t breathe. The sensation was strong enough that he grabbed onto what was left of the wall in the hopes that it would hold him up.

He clawed his way inside the hole, and around to the other side of the wall, where he practically collapsed against it, his eyes closed and his head back, his chest heaving, as he willed himself to breathe, to relax. God, how could he have been so careless, so selfish, so caught up in being angry, that he would risk hurting people, people like Casey? Tracey’s fingers threaded into his hair as his arms closed around his head, perhaps in an effort to protect himself from the images that were upsetting him, perhaps to keep them from escaping from his mind as if they would manifest in front of him.

In truth, he had hurt Casey, and he was trying to fix things, court-ordered or not. Tracey wanted nothing more than to know that Casey wasn’t hurting. Him being the cause or not didn’t much matter in the long run, just so long as Casey was happy again. He looked so damn amazing when he smiled, Tracey remembered, a calming sensation settling over him as he remembered Casey smiling at him genuinely the morning he taught Tracey to ride Sheba. Casey’s smile had a healing effect on Tracey that he clung to.

Casey had watched the blond guy that had caused a whirlwind in his life over the past couple of weeks climb through the hole in the barn, and was surprised when he realized that Tracey hadn’t seen him. If he had to admit it, he’d been trying to act like nothing had changed in his life; that everything was going on as it normally had, but no amount of pretending could make it so. Casey thought Tracey looked like he was going to be sick, like someone had punched him in his gut, and it was all he could do not to go over and take the man in his arms and protect him from whatever it was that was hurting him so much.

A little voice in the back of his head reminded him that he could be the cause, the reason Tracey looked like he could barely hold himself up, and he didn’t like the feeling one bit. He’d never wanted to hurt Tracey, not ever, but it was all so overwhelming and he wasn’t sure how to handle it. He’d certainly made a mess of things earlier that day in the barn when all Tracey was looking for was some reassurance. Hell, he’d have been looking for some, too, if it had been him.

”You don’t always have to come in that way. There’s a door, you know?” Casey’s voice was tentative, as he thumbed over his shoulder directionally, but the laughter in his voice assured Tracey that he was joking.

Hearing Casey’s voice had startled Tracey, and for a moment, Tracey thought he had almost imagined it, until he heard Casey laugh, even if it was a subdued version of the real thing, he knew it had happened. It would have been staggering for Tracey to realize that it had been the thought of Casey, his smile and the sound of his voice and his laughter, which had calmed Tracey down. If he hadn’t been so upset, he might have noticed it.

”Yeah,” Tracey agreed as he tried to get a grasp on all the thoughts swirling around in his head. After a minute he said, “I’m sorry; I shouldn’t have come in here. I know this is where you come to think.”

”How do you know that?” Casey wondered aloud from where he sat on a stack of hay bales. The same hay bales where he’d first said Tracey’s name aloud, where he’d first admitted he liked Tracey.

”Will told me,” Tracey shrugged. “I’m not sure how I even ended up here; I’m still finding my way around. Anyway, I’ll just leave you alone,” Tracey said pushing himself away from the wall, hoping he looked steadier on his feet than he felt.

Heading for the entrance to the barn that wasn’t of his own making, he thought that giving Casey his space was the best thing he could do, even if he wanted nothing more than to be comforted in those strong arms again. Casey had made it pretty clear earlier that afternoon that he couldn’t give Tracey what he wanted, what he needed. A flash of pain stabbed through his chest as the thought went through his mind, and it took everything he had not to let on how badly it hurt.

Casey didn’t want to be left alone, and he certainly didn’t want Tracey to be alone when he looked like he was about to be swallowed up by the obscurity of the situation. The idea that Casey could be at all responsible for the condition Tracey was in made him wish he could sink into the shadows of the barn, but the need to fix the mess he’d made earlier and see Tracey smiling again was stronger, and it was that need that made him reach out and grab Tracey’s hand as the blond man walked past him.

Tracey stopped his forward progress, but he couldn’t bring himself to look at Casey. He wasn’t sure he had the strength to stay upright, let alone make it through Casey turning him away again. God, but he wanted this man, more than that, he needed him. It was that need that made him vulnerable and afraid, it was that need that made Casey’s touch heal his hurt and cause him immeasurable anguish all in the same breath.

”Tracey,” Casey broke the silence, and when Tracey wouldn’t look at him, Casey squeezed the hand in his proddingly. “Please?”

Tracey took a deep breath and chanced a look at where their hands met, unable to give any more.

”God, I have no idea what I’m doing,” Casey admitted out loud as his chin dropped into his chest. He was frustrated, it was apparent in his discouraged tone. “I don’t know what I’m doing,” he said again, as if acknowledging it would help to remedy the situation.

”Case, I don’t think I can do this again. I get it, okay?” Tracey spoke quietly, but he had to protect himself. A person could only take so much.

”No, you don’t,” Casey insisted almost angrily. “I’ve never done this before. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do. Not with you, not with these feelings, not when the only thing I want is...” Casey stopped abruptly, feeling the innate need to slap his hand over his mouth as if to stop the words from escaping. He managed not to do anything so drastic, but then Tracey was speaking again.

”I said I understand. You don’t have to say it again,” Tracey said barely above a whisper. “I just want you to have whatever, whoever, it is you want... I just want you happy.”

”I want you! Don’t you get that?” Casey said more severely than he’d intended to. “God, Trace, I haven’t ever wanted anything like I want you,” he allowed himself to admit for the first time out loud.

Tracey didn’t say anything, couldn’t say anything. Casey was confused, hell, that made two of them. He understood the feeling; the rollercoaster that whipped you around so fast you forgot where you came from with the fear of where you were going next. Casey tugged on Tracey’s hand, a silent plea.

”Say something,” Casey pleaded.

”I... can’t,” Tracey whispered.

”Tracey, look at me, please,” Casey gave another gentle tug.

God, how he wanted to, to believe what he was hearing, to look at Casey and see the truth in his eyes. He needed to know Casey felt the same need for him, that same longing that he felt. Tracey wanted to see that smile that did fantastic things to Casey’s face, more than that, he wanted to be the reason Casey was smiling.

He started at Casey’s boots, figuring those were safest, and the furthest from the eyes that seemed so daunting to him. His eyes slowly covered the expanse of the man’s body, his mind flashing memories distractingly behind his tired eyes. Casey snuggled up behind him in the back of the pick-up truck, those arms around him in the barn, those strong hands holding his, that firm chest pressed against his back, those lips that took as much as they gave, kissing him, whispering against his neck, that nose buried in his hair.

Tracey was never sure what he would see in Casey’s brown eyes when he met them with his own. They were the last thing Tracey managed to look at, and by the time he’d summoned up enough courage to do so, Casey was smirking slightly. Tracey didn’t find the situation humorous at all, and so help him, if Casey was f**king with him, he might just punch him again. Not really, but God, he was so afraid, so tense and wound up, he knew he wasn’t thinking clearly.

Casey saw the look of distress flash across Tracey’s face, the flare of hurt in his green eyes, the fear. He knew the feeling more intimately than he cared to. He wanted nothing more than to take Tracey into his arms and heal all the hurt he’d ever felt, to replace it with safety, and happiness, and comfort. Casey wasn’t smiling anymore, even if he had enjoyed knowing that Tracey had the same appreciation for his body as he felt for the man standing in front of him.

Casey’s free hand reached out long enough to find the belt loop on Tracey’s jeans and slip a finger into it, tugging on it just enough to motivate Tracey to take a tentative step toward him. Only when Casey had a hold of his body, did he let go of Tracey’s hand, as if the tiniest thing might spook Tracey enough to make him run, and he grabbed hold of his hips, pulling the man directly in front of him. Casey looked up into Tracey’s eyes from where he was sitting, knowing that as confusing and scary, as trying and demanding as it was, there wasn’t anything he wanted more than he wanted the man in front of him.

They searched each other’s eyes, watched each other’s faces, felt each other’s fear and need. Casey’s thumbs pressed small circles into the tender areas of Tracey’s torso, his fingertips pressing just as strongly behind him. Casey dropped his forehead against Tracey’s stomach, inhaling the intoxicating scent that comforted him and turned him inside out all at the same time. His hands wandered up Tracey’s back, if only a little, until they were underneath the warmth of his coat.

Tracey’s hands slid up Casey’s arms appreciating the thickness, the firmness they found in the muscles hiding just under the skin as they discovered it. His shoulders were strong, hard, if not yet as broad as they would be in another few years, but Tracey lost himself in the sensations he was feeling. He fingered the longer, brown hair that hung down over Casey’s neck before threading his fingers into it. He heard, as much as he felt, Casey groan against his stomach and his fingers tightened in Casey’s hair momentarily.

”Say it again,” Tracey’s solicitation a brave request motivated by need and desire.

Casey raised his head from where it had been resting against Tracey’s stomach, straightening his arms enough to back Tracey up a step, and looked into the green eyes that were asking for assurance, for truth. His fingers tightened against Tracey’s hips again.

”I want you. God, Trace, whatever you want, whatever it takes, I’ll do it.”

His thumbs traced along the pocket of Tracey’s jeans, and when they came to the end of the line, they moved downward in a way that was tempting to them both in different ways. Tracey gasped out loud at how close Casey was to touching him, at how much he wanted to be touched. Casey pulled Tracey toward him again, wanting to be closer, wanting more than he’d know what to do with.

Tracey was impatient with all kinds of need coursing through him. He needed less, and more, in that order. Less space between them, and more contact, much more than he currently had. He swung his leg over the bale of hay, straddling the thing Casey was sitting on and sat down beside him, sliding right up next to Casey’s body. It felt so good to be close to him again, to touch him, to be touched.

Casey’s mouth came down over Tracey’s with a need that they both felt, with the assurances and wants that he knew Tracey needed to feel from him, and as his tongue swept across Tracey’s bottom lip and then further inside, he felt more than heard Tracey’s swallowed moan. The worry that had been eating at him for days was shoved aside as easily as the hat Casey wore, when Tracey’s hand slid up over the strong shoulder he’d found so appealing just moments ago, and into Casey’s brown hair. All the fears that had been lurking in the shadows of his mind, and at times, jumping out in front of him until he couldn’t ignore them anymore, were brushed away. Casey’s hand slid underneath Tracey’s jacket and around his waist, the touch heating his skin.

Tracey’s fingers tightened against Casey’s thigh needing more, silently asking for anything Casey would give him, his touch a clear acceptance of everything that was being offered. Casey’s fingers clung to the warm skin of Tracey’s back even as they flitted underneath the waistband of Tracey’s jeans. Casey wanted to explore all of Tracey, everything he was, everything he had to offer, and he knew that in time, he would. Tonight though, here in the corner of the barn on a bale of hay, he wanted nothing more than to give Tracey exactly what he needed.

Casey wanted to undo every wrong thing he’d done, take back every word he’d said that ever made Tracey feel unwanted, hurt, lonely. He wanted to show Tracey just how much he wanted him, and how grateful he was Tracey felt the same way when he could have just as easily given up on him any number of times over the last two weeks. He wanted Tracey to know that as new as this was to him, and as confusing and complicated as things would be to deal with, he’d do it a hundred times over if it meant he could kiss Tracey anytime he wanted to, hold his hand, catch him when he fell.

Tracey absorbed every touch, every flavor, every sound, until his memory was filled to capacity, and as the sensations spilled over to make way for new ones, Tracey felt himself sinking backward. Casey’s hand was on his back, sliding upward to support him, and then his knee was in between Tracey’s thighs pressing against him. His back, then shoulders, and finally his head, came to rest against the bale of hay he’d been sitting on, the small amount of discomfort forgotten when he looked into Casey’s eyes. The eyes that were hovering just over him, the eyes that were right above the nose that was so close to his, and near enough to the lips, the mouth, he wanted on his own again.

Desperate for more, Tracey pleaded silently, his hands clinging to Casey’s back. Apologies weren’t on Casey’s mind anymore, and as his nose brushed past Tracey’s and he pressed his lips against the inviting pair below him, his knee pressed harder against Tracey. He smiled when Tracey groaned into his mouth, his hips bucking up against Casey’s thigh. God, but he loved making Tracey forget about reason and give in to the physical and emotional sensations that always seemed to be there tempting them, loved that he could.

Tracey wanted more still, he wanted to feel Casey’s chest against his, wanted to wrap him up in his arms and hold on tight, wanted Casey to stop teasing him with his leg and give him the real thing. His hands slid up Casey’s back and around his upper body, appreciating the strength he found there, and he pulled Casey down into him. He groaned contentedly under the weight of Casey’s body, and his hands made their way to Casey’s hips, pulling his body against him further. This time when Tracey’s hips rose up, he pressed into Casey and appreciated the friction he found there. His fingertips tightened against Casey’s hips, and Casey arched his back looking for more contact, the sensation better than he’d ever imagined it.

”Damn, I love kissing you, Trace,” Casey groaned against Tracey’s neck.

”Mmmm, I love when you kiss me,” Tracey agreed, turning his head to the side to allow Casey room to explore his neck.

Casey’s mouth explored the newly exposed skin eagerly, inhaling the clean scent he found there, and allowing it to feed his hunger to taste more of Tracey. He wondered briefly, as he nibbled along Tracey’s jaw line, how he ever thought he would be able to deny himself this. A more absurd thought hadn’t crossed Casey’s mind in ages, he decided.

A loud whinny, followed by a snort, came from the other side of the barn earning their attention. Reluctantly, their heads both turned to see what the noise was all about, Casey’s head resting atop Tracey’s. Red stood there, his feet dancing back and forth impatiently, shaking his head as if it was pointless to object, but the youth in him made it so he just couldn’t help himself.

”Aww, don’t be jealous, Red,” Casey quipped.

”Yeah, I’ll kiss you, too,” Tracey called, “as soon as he gets off me,” grabbing on to Casey as if to make it clear he better not think about going anywhere any time soon. Casey laughed out loud as if the two of them had outsmarted the horse, and Tracey thought it was about the best sound he’d heard come from Casey, aside from the sounds he’d just been making a moment ago.

”I’m not going anywhere until I absolutely have to,” Casey announced, “and when I do, I’ll be back as soon as I can be,” he said more quietly, as if that bit of information was meant only for Tracey.

”I think I like the sound of that,” Tracey agreed in a hushed voice.

Red let out another whinny, and Casey sat up and ran his fingers through his hair, before pulling Tracey up next to him. He leaned over and grabbed his hat that had taken up residence on the floor behind him, and as he dusted it off, he noticed his watch.

”Shit,” Casey sighed. “It’s dinner time. We better go in before they come looking for us.”

”I guess we should then,” Tracey conceded, even if he didn’t want their time, or these feelings, to end.

Casey stood up and brushed himself off, and then turned to Tracey and pulled him up after him. “Turn around,” he said, and Tracey complied only to feel Casey brushing him off as well. “There,” he said once he felt that he’d finished his task, and then wrapped his arms around Tracey, his chin resting on Tracey’s shoulder.

”Thanks,” Tracey said, leaning his head against Casey’s gently.

”I’m sorry about running away earlier,” Casey said quietly, grateful for the chance to hold Tracey again.

”Okay,” Tracey allowed, grateful that Casey had worked out whatever it was that was going on in his head and enjoying being held again.

”You’re gonna have to give me some time to get used to this,” Casey added. “I’ve never told anyone before. I guess it’s different when it’s only in your head, but I know this is what I want.”

”I know, Case. There was a time when I was stuck in my head, too,” Tracey sympathized. “I gotta say though, being with you is way better than being alone in my head,” his smile giving away his thoughts as much as his words might have.

”Damn right,” Casey agreed circling around to kiss Tracey once more. “Let’s go in,” he suggested even though it was clear he didn’t want to move.

”Right behind you,” Tracey said hoping it wouldn’t be obvious how badly he wanted to stay here with Casey by the time they made it to the house. “That’s twice today,” he muttered to himself knowing that at this rate, it was going to be a long night.

Casey and Tracey arrived inside the front door of the big, yellow house just as Janie was setting a platter of barbecued chicken down next to a large bowl of baked beans, making a narrow attempt to avoid the scowl she sent them. They both knew it would have turned into something more had Paulette not been in the front room of the house on the phone with Jackson, and they were grateful for the reprieve. Casey took his seat next to Will, while Tracey sat next to Caty in what had become his usual spot, and the four of them waited for Paulette.

”That’s alright, Jackson,” they overheard. “I’d like to see you again before then, but I understand. Someone’s got to keep the town in line,” she kidded with him, even if she felt like she was a school girl about to go on her first date. “Well, I’d better hang up, Janie’s about done serving,” she went on. “Yes, eight would be fine. We should be ready by then... unless you’d like to come earlier for breakfast,” she suggested invitingly. “Okay then, I’ll see you on Sunday, Jackson. Goodbye,” she finished, and you could hear the smile in her voice.

Paulette hung up the phone, wondering if she could get away with taking a minute to collect herself before facing the folks in the next room. She smoothed her hands down over her jeans, took a deep breath, and walked into dinner. She’d hoped that they would be talking amongst themselves, but as it turned out, they were watching her instead. Everyone waited for her to say something, but she just couldn’t think of something that didn’t sound like a ridiculous attempt to sidestep the obvious.

Finally Tracey caught on and asked, “How was your day, Paulette?”

A collective sigh of relief was breathed by everyone in the room, and then she answered, “Fine, thank you. How about all of you?” offering Tracey a silent smile of gratitude.

He nodded perceptively in her direction, but then deferred to one of the other people at the dinner table to give their answer instead. Besides, Tracey was feeling all kinds of different things at that moment, and even if he could manage to find some words that might give a person an inkling of how he was really feeling, they just wouldn’t do it justice. On top of that, Tracey wasn’t about to do anything to jeopardize the forward progress he and Casey had finally managed to make that afternoon.

No, he’d let Casey decide how to proceed when it came to that, it was his family after all. Anyway, it’s not as if he was demanding that Casey make any statements of full disclosure to anyone. All he had wanted was the truth, to know what Casey felt about him, and now that he knew, he was okay with keeping it between the two of them until Casey was ready to share that part of himself.

”I’m fine, Mama,” Caty offered, her excitement about the upcoming festivities apparent in her voice as much as her antsy behavior. “Gonna be baking all day tomorrow with Janie,” she reminded her mother.

”Pies?” Will asked, the idea having caught his attention and gaining enough momentum to come tumbling out of his mouth before he could even think to stop it.

”Yes, pies, Will,” she giggled as his eyes widened with the thought. “Same as every year.”

Paulette nodded, “How about you guys? No problems today?” she asked as she passed the bowl with the green salad in it to Casey.

”No problems with the herd,” Casey answered and then looked over at Tracey as he passed the bowl of salad to Will.

Only Tracey understood that the statement was more than it appeared to be, but he tried his best not to let on. Casey’s brief, but grateful smile was a thank you to Tracey for his understanding and patience while he figured out how to deal with everything that came along with the proclamations he’d made to Tracey that afternoon in the barn on a bale of hay.

”Everything went fine,” Will added and then wondered why the bowl of salad he was trying to rid himself of wasn’t being taken. He looked over at Tracey, only to find the guy to his left paying absolutely no attention to him; instead, his attention was focused on the guy sitting to his right. “Tracey,” Will prodded, and when he had his attention, even if it came with a questioning look, he nodded toward the salad bowl he was still holding.

”Oh, thanks,” Tracey allowed as he accepted the salad bowl and served some onto his own plate, carefully avoiding the cucumbers.

”What about you, Tracey?” Paulette asked. “How’s the fence coming along? Did you make much progress?”

”Yeah, fine actually,” he smiled proudly. “It really helped that Caty was able to haul the old wood back here for me. I should be done sometime tomorrow,” he decided.

”Really? That quick?” Will’s tone seemingly skeptical.

”I’m pretty sure, yeah,” Tracey shrugged as he added a quarter of a chicken to his plate wondering when he got to be so hungry.

”Well that’s good news,” Paulette added with a smile, glad to see Tracey was working hard at restoring her home to the way it should be.

”So what did you get up to today, Mama?” Caty asked curiously.

She knew her mom was as nervous and excited as she was about the Fall Harvest Carnival and the dance that followed it on Sunday night. Truth be told, Caty was glad Jackson had finally decided to do something in an official capacity and invite her mother to the dance. He’d been hanging around and hinting here and there for ages, and even if her mom did need the time and space, she was glad it was finally happening. If only Will would take a lesson from their book when it came to the two of them, she thought.

”Well, to be honest,” Paulette started, “I don’t think I was of much use at all today. I’m embarrassed to admit it, but I think I’ve turned into a bit of a nervous Nellie.”

Her cheeks flushed lightly with the admission, but it felt good to finally let it out. She’d been wound up so tightly since Jackson had invited her to the dance, that she’d found herself getting sidetracked with even the simplest tasks. Just earlier that afternoon, she’d went to phone Bill Emerson with an addition to next week’s order and by the time she had him on the line, much to her chagrin, she couldn’t remember for the life of her what she’d been calling about.

”Well, I suppose that’s allowed every once in a while,” Tracey suggested in an attempt to soothe her anxiety over the matter. “Don’t you ever just let your hair down, Paulette?” he asked her with a smile.

Will snorted at the absurdity of the idea. He’d been on Kingsman Bluff for more than six years now, and he could count on one hand the amount of times Paulette hadn’t been working just as hard as he’d been. Sitting by idly wasn’t something Paulette Kingsman did, and as much as the idea of her taking a break and having some fun appealed to all of them, it wasn’t her way.

Tracey sent Will a sideways and questioning glance before returning his attention to Paulette. His interest in her answer was evident as he set his fork down on his plate and waited for her answer. Tracey laced his fingers together and rested his elbows on the table, tapping his thumbs together and giving her some time to respond.

”I guess I don’t,” she admitted, “but the idea does sound more appealing lately.”

”Well, then I think Sunday is the perfect time for you to give it a try,” Tracey decided and then picked up his fork and went back to his dinner.

No one argued with the suggestion, and a bowl of vanilla ice cream and two brownies later, Casey groaned out, “God, I’m stuffed. I’m not even sure how I fit all that food in me.”

Caty giggled and said, “You say that every time Janie makes brownies.”

Casey tried to look put out by the insinuation, but when he looked at Will for support, there was none to be found. Instead, he found Will nodding in agreement and laughing along with Caty. He frowned as he decided he wasn’t going to win against these two, and looked over at Tracey as if he needed some back-up.

”Don’t look at him,” Will laughed. “He ain’t gonna be able to help you none. ‘Sides, we know you better than anyone else,” he said matter-of-factly.

Casey shifted uncomfortably in his seat and no one but Tracey noticed, or if they did, they’d figure it was the second brownie. A week ago, he’d have agreed with Will, but now he wasn’t as sure anymore who fit that description. It seemed to him that the parts Will and Caty were missing, were the same parts only Tracey knew, and he wasn’t quite sure how to remedy that.

Tracey knew there was truth to Will’s statement, but he was also sure that there were things he was privy to, like how it felt to lie in Casey’s arms, or what it was to be kissed by him. Those things allowed him to know Casey on an entirely different level. That thought, and the memories that accompanied it, tickled his mind, and his senses, until he couldn’t help but smile. He found Casey’s eyes and knew that the dark-haired man across the table from him was thinking the very same things.

”Looks like you’re on your own there, cowboy,” Will teased and then jumped up from the table, a challenging eyebrow was raised in Casey’s direction and a grin plastered on his face.

Casey scowled in Will’s direction, and Caty giggled, her hand landing on Tracey’s arm as if to make sure he wasn’t missing the fun. Paulette shook her head, and with a chuckle, she pushed her chair away from the table and stood up.

”I think it’s my bedtime,” she announced.

Casey was otherwise occupied with weighing the outcome of leaping out of his chair with a full belly and chasing Will outside, or just letting it ride for now, while Will was watching his friend carefully, never letting his guard down in case he had to make a hasty exit.

”Goodnight, Mama,” Caty said, the smile evident in her voice.

”Goodnight, Paulette,” Tracey echoed. “See you in the morning.”

”You boys behave,” she said knowingly. “Goodnight everyone.”

”We will, goodnight, Mama,” Casey said.

”Night,” Will offered distractedly, though he wasn’t taking any chances with Casey, full or not.

”So what are you guys up to tomorrow?” Tracey asked curiously. He knew he had the fence to finish, and that Caty would be baking pies with Janie, and he wondered what else happened around the ranch. So far since he’d been there, there had been plenty of drama and not very much business-as-usual.

”I’m not sure I’ll be able to do anything tomorrow if I don’t get my ass up the stairs and into bed,” Casey groaned. “Gonna help your big brother out?” he eyed Caty pitifully.

”I guess,” she sighed as if put out by his request. “I guess we’d better get you upstairs,” she agreed as she stood up. Once she had Casey’s arm thrown over her shoulders, more for show than out of necessity, she said, “Goodnight guys, see you at breakfast.”

”Goodnight, Caty,” Tracey replied in kind. “Night, Case,” he added softly.

”Night,” Casey smiled. “Night, Will,” he grumbled, but everyone knew he was teasing.

Caty walked Casey up stairs and down the hall to his bedroom. Once in his room, Casey crossed to the window automatically and looked out into the night and at the stars that hung in the sky. They had always brought him solace, an opportunity to imagine an alternate life that could be lived beneath them. He loved the way they were nestled in the darkness as if it were comforting to them. They always shone the brightest when it was dark, much like the way the strength of his secret thoughts and dreams seemed more safe and attainable while he was nestled in the darkness of his bedroom.

”Well, big brother,” Caty said sarcastically, “I guess I’ll see you in the morning.”

”Stay?” his one word request something she was unable to deny him.

”Okay,” she agreed, sitting on his bed since it appeared she wasn’t going anywhere for the moment.

A glance over his shoulder told him where she was, and he turned away from his hiding place to be beside her. They sat silently, the closeness soothing to each of them, much as it always had been. There was no need for words immediately, instead enjoying the familiarity of the other being next to them. In their twenty years, they’d changed and grown so much, been through so many different experiences, but the one thing that never varied was the encouragement, the friendship, and the support they gave each other without question.

Casey was counting on that now as he sat there with his sister. “Caty?”

”Hmm?” she mumbled out, as far away with her own thoughts as he had been.

”You really like him, don’t you?” his evaluating eyes taking notes and prompting questions.

He didn’t need to hear her answer to know how she felt. He could read it on her face, just as he always could. Her cheeks flushed lightly, more like the glow of a person whose heart couldn’t contain all the emotions it was holding any longer, than the blush of someone who was smitten.

”Yes,” she sighed because it was all she could do to get his attention some days, and others, it took every ounce of self restraint not to whack him upside the head as if that would knock some sense into him, or at least help sort out some of the nonsense he had running around in there.

”I’m glad,” he offered her an approving smile. “Give him some time, he’ll figure it out,” he said.

”You sound like you know a little something about that kind of thing,” she commented sideways.

”I might,” he admitted.

”Since when, Casey Kingsman?” she demanded with a skeptical smile.

”Well, let’s just say I did like someone... like you like Will,” he added for clarification, and she nodded. “Well, so just pretendin’... what would you think about that?”

”I think that, whoever they are, they’re pretty lucky. Must be someone great to have gotten your attention,” she decided aloud.

”What do you mean?” he asked her.

”Well, it’s just that, ever since high school, every boy in our class was head-over-heels in love with Becky Mitchell, and you never even gave her a second look. For the longest time I pretended that you were doing that for me, but you never really did like her, did you?” she asked, and Casey shook his head; it was true what she was saying. “Well, so if she wasn’t good enough for you, but every other boy acted like she was the best thing since sliced bread, then I imagine that anyone who would grab your attention would have to be something pretty special.”

”I guess that makes sense,” Casey admitted.

”So, are you gonna tell me who it is that’s got the attention of my big brother?” she wondered curiously.

”I want to,” he admitted quietly.

Caty sat quietly, patiently next to her brother on his bed. She didn’t mean to pry, exactly. Sure, she was curious, but she also knew he’d tell her when he was good and ready. There was no sense in trying to wrestle it out of him any sooner, and that’s not how she wanted him to tell her anyway.

”What if it was someone you never expected it to be?” he asked her. He knew he was being vague, but he still wasn’t sure if he was ready to tell her, or how she would feel about things once she knew.

”As long as it’s not Becky Mitchell...” she joked, but he didn’t laugh. “Case, I just want you happy, whoever it is,” she said genuinely.

His smile was hesitant, but he knew deep down that she meant it. It was the same thing he wanted for her, and he couldn’t imagine a better guy for her than Will. Happiness was something he’d thought about a lot, wondered if it was possible for someone like him, but now he knew.

”Tracey,” he said barely above a whisper, the admission for her ears only.

”Tracey?” she repeated looking for clarification.

”Yeah, Tracey. He’s... it’s Tracey,” he repeated for her benefit.

”Well, I was right,” she said finally.

”About?” he wondered aloud.

”Two things actually. Someone great caught your eye,” she smiled softly at her brother, “and you’re loads smarter than all those boys we went to school with,” she laughed.

Casey laughed at that, “Caty?”

”Yeah?” she asked still grinning, glad to see Casey smiling.

”Thanks,” he said looking over at her. “Want me to talk to Will?” he offered knowing how frustrated she was and wanting her to be happy, too.

”No!” she said adamantly. “It’s doesn’t mean the same thing if you do,” she rationalized.

”Okay,” Casey frowned, wishing he could help her somehow.

”We’ll see what happens on Sunday,” she said, more to convince herself, than Casey, he thought.

Casey yawned, the exhaustion from the day catching up with him. He felt emotionally drained, the good and the bad taking its toll, and he was more than ready to get into his bed and just sleep. Hopefully by morning, he’d be rested and ready to face another day of new experiences and feelings.

”Get some sleep, Case,” she said before she hugged him and stood up, making her way to the door. “Night, Case.”

”Night, Caty. Thanks,” he smiled tiredly at her even as his head sank heavily into his pillow.

Will and Tracey left the big, yellow ranch house and the comforting, whitewashed porch behind, and headed to the bunkhouse for the night. The air was definitely colder now that the sun had gone down for the night, and Tracey shivered briefly, hunching down into the warmth of his coat as they walked. He was glad that it wasn’t too far of a walk, and if he was being honest, he was looking forward to his bed. The day had been long and, despite the way things turned out, quite a bit of it had been stressful and emotionally exhausting for him.

”Hope it’s a little warmer on Sunday,” Will mentioned as they pushed their way into the warmth of the bunkhouse, closing the wooden door behind them.

”Yeah,” Tracey agreed. “Looking forward to it?” he asked, and as the words left his lips, he had the urge to find out what Will was thinking in terms of Caty.

She’d been so good to him since the first moment he set foot on Kingsman Bluff, and he wanted happiness for her. If he could make her dreams come true, help Will to finally see her for the beautiful woman that she was, he’d do it without a second thought. He wondered what Will would think when he saw her in the lilac dress she’d finally decided on, if he’d know how much thought had gone into that apprehensive decision.

”Sure,” Will answered. “The carnival is always a good time,” he smiled and sat in a chair in the main room.

”Sounds like you aren’t much for dancin’,” Tracey inferred from the lack of mention.

Will shrugged, “Guess I’m not much of a dancer. What about you? You gonna dance with anyone?”

”Not sure,” Tracey thought out loud. “Haven’t really thought much about it, I suppose.”

”Well, think about it now,” Will prodded his bunkmate, both with his words and his smile.

It was Tracey’s turn to shrug this time, and then he said, “I guess I could dance with Caty some... if she wanted to, that is.”

”Caty? You like her that much that you want to dance with her?” he asked, surprised at the implication.

”Well, sure, I guess. She’s a fine woman,” Tracey answered honestly.

Woman, hah! Tracey had spent, what, a week with her? What did he know anyway? It was he who had spent practically every day with her since she was thirteen, he who’d helped her pick out Geronimo and break him, he who’d taught her how to drive, even if they did end up in a ditch that first time out. He smiled as he remembered her graduation, how she looked accepting her diploma and the prideful smile she wore that managed to outshine the boring blue cap and gown she had on. Then there was last summer, and Marybeth’s wedding. Caty had been drafted to be a bride’s maid, and then promptly shoved into a God-awful, fluffy, peach mass of taffeta with a gigantic bow on the back. Worse than that though, was that she managed to come home with the bouquet, announcing that she was next. Like hell, Will had thought at the time.

Sitting there now though, Will wondered where the time had gone, and more importantly, how had he missed that she’d grown up. He doubted if he’d ever stop feeling like he needed to protect her from anything that could hurt her, or wanting to teach her everything she needed to know, but when had she gone from the girl that was all elbows and knees, to being able to wrestle a bouquet from another full-grown woman? When had she decided that she even wanted to?

”Besides, I kinda like dancin’,” Tracey said when Will didn’t respond right away.

”You do?” Will asked, more for something to say, than from genuine interest.

”Yeah, I don’t get much chance anymore though,” Tracey said glumly.

”How come?” Will asked, wondering when his mouth had started operating on auto-pilot.

”Not much chance to dance with anyone I’d like to be dancin’ with, I guess,” Tracey shrugged.

”But they have plenty of dances in town,” Will said.

”That’s right,” Tracey agreed. “They do.”

Tracey wondered what the people of Emerson would think if he asked Casey to dance with him. Mostly he didn’t care what they thought, and the idea of holding Casey in his arms and swaying together to some jazzy piece of music had its appeal. If he let it, his imagination could easily run off, and he’d find himself, thighs intertwined with Casey’s, hands holding each other tightly, friction, damn, but the thought had merit. The idea peaked Tracey’s interest, and other parts of him simultaneously.

”I wonder if Casey’ll find someone to dance with,” Will spoke and Tracey was silently thankful that he had exclusivity when it came to his imagination.

”Does he usually? Dance, I mean,” Tracey clarified.

”Sometimes,” Will allowed. “Mostly with Paulette, I think she misses the chance to dance, and he likes to give her something to smile about.”

”She’s a smart lady,” Tracey said, knowing he’d be smiling, too, if it was him. “That’s a pretty nice thing for him to do.”

”Well, he’s a pretty nice guy,” Will said about his friend.

”I think so,” Tracey agreed.

”Seems like he thinks the same about you,” Will thought out loud.

”I hope so,” Tracey’s tone taking on a softer tone.

”Certainly looks that way. He was fit to be tied when he heard you were comin’ here, but things seem have calmed down between you two,” Will made the observation.

It amused Tracey that Will felt things had calmed down between Casey and him, especially when he felt anything but calm when it came to the two of them. Tranquil, composed, no, the idea of being next to Casey and feeling anything but completely restless and ruffled seemed almost inconceivable to him. The only time that they’d been together and Tracey had felt comfort more than commotion inside, was the night they’d spent in the back of the old, pick-up truck, the darkness enveloping them, protecting them, enabling them.