Extra Innings - 22. Chapter 21

It was only a few days before Easter when I realized term was almost over. Somehow I had managed to get through most of the term without too much school stress. I guess the fact that most of the students were involved in varsity sports of some kind changed the expectations of some of the teachers, especially the ones that taught in the sports and recreation departments.

Except I had forgotten about the term papers again. Last Winter I told myself not to leave the papers until the last minute again, but with baseball and fraternity events, I’d forgotten to get a good start on any of my papers. I wasn’t the only one feeling the stress. Vincente invited me to join him for a study session in the library because there were fewer distractions there than in the dorms. Heather and the other residence advisors were always trying to those of us on residence to do some bonding activities of some kind. They were interesting, but at this point they were interrupting my ability to get papers written, and I didn’t want to have to deal with them.

I had some vague hopes that the library would be quiet and it wouldn’t be crowded. Instead, every single table and study carousel seemed to be full. Vincente said that he’d found somewhere we could sit and work on our papers, but I couldn’t imagine there was anywhere left that wasn’t already swarming with people and computers. I found Vincente near the back of the library, already working away with his face buried in books.

I pulled out the seat opposite him and pulled my own laptop out. Beneath all the clutter of Vincente’s stuff, I was able to find a place to balance my computer and plug in the charger. The only sounds that could be heard at our table were pages being turned and the unending clacking of keys on the laptops we were using. I had thought that Vincente might have wanted to talk to me about something, since we saw enough of each other as roommates, but it seemed like he really did want to get down to studying and didn’t want to share the table with someone he didn’t know.

I took a moment to stretch and take my eyes off the screen and books for a moment to look at Vincente. There was something about the way he looked, everything about him was so intense. I’d never seen him not be intense, now that I thought about it. He did everything with a passion and fire that was hard to match for most people. It made me wonder what he ever did to relax, or if that laid pack personality was fake, and the real Vincente was the one who did everything with fire in his eyes. Even now, looking at him studying the pages he was working through to complete his paper, I could see his eyes were narrowed and they even looked darker, like he was angry with himself or something like that.

It made me realize that even though we’d been living together for almost a whole year now, I didn’t know Vincente that well. I hadn’t taken the time to get to know him and truly understand who he was as a person, and that seemed like a failure on my part, especially since he went out of his way to help me during and after my attack.

I wonder who else I hadn’t taken the time to understand as well as I should. People that I cared about. People like Bryce, and Alex. Alex… I hadn’t thought about Alex in a few weeks, but now that I thought about it, I never got to know him nearly as well as I should have. Maybe I could have prevented all the drama of the last year if I had gotten to know him better. Maybe then we would have been able to figure out a way to end things and still be friends, instead of having him hate me for something we both should have known was coming. I didn’t want things to end the same way with Bryce as they did with Alex. I should start learning about who Bryce really is, taking the time to have those stolen glance where I could see him without his guard up or his personality hiding what’s underneath.

Vincente looked up from his books and caught me staring at him. That hard, intense gaze he was giving his books was now fixated on me. It felt like he was staring into my soul and trying to figure out what was hiding there. I shifted uncomfortably and looked away, aware that he was still looking at me.

“What was that look about? You stopped working a few minutes ago, and looked a thousand miles away.” Vincente asked.

“I was thinking. I don’t know you all that well, do I? I mean, I know some things, the stuff I need to know in order to make rooming with you so easy, but I don’t really know you, you know?” I replied, thinking that I couldn’t have been less clear if I had tried.

I was rewarded with a confused look on his face.

“No dude. I don’t have a clue what you’re talking about. Wanna try again in English that isn’t self-referencing?”

I took a deep breath and resisted the urge to provide Vincente with a childish physical response, like sticking my tongue out at him.

“I mean that I only know about who you are as you present yourself. Whenever we hang out at the room or around campus, you always act like this laid back guy who is super chill. But I was watching you a moment ago and back in our class together last term. You’re super intense. Like, all the time. Except when we’re talking or when you’re having a regular conversation with someone, then it’s like you put on this new personality that’s different from who you are. Makes me wonder which of you is the real you, you know? Maybe I got used to the chill Vincente and never thought about the fact that you could be a radically different person than what you present to the world.”

Vincente sat back, obviously stunned by what I was talking about.

“I hadn’t expected that dude. What brought this on anyways? I don’t think it was just from staring at me, which you do all the time anyways.”

I blushed. I didn’t think he’d noticed that I had been checking him out from time to time.

“I do not!”

He chuckled.

“Not the point at all. Seriously dude, what’s going on in there? You’ve got something gnawing away at you. Maybe the fake version of me wants to know so the intense version of me can blackmail you with it later.” Vincente said all that with a laugh. I knew he was joking, but it still made me wonder if he’d actually do that.

“Alright, you win. It’s not only about you. I’m sure that hurts your ego, but you’ll have to survive knowing that I was thinking about another man while looking at you.”

Vincente laughed loudly enough that people at the nearby study carousels turned towards us and glared at us for daring to disturb the sanctity of the library. Vincente muffled his laughter as best he could, but at least he took the joke well. I was glad we could laugh about gay things now, it was a lot better than the beginning of the school year, that’s for sure. I continued on.

“I was thinking about Alex, actually. Wondering if I knew him nearly as well as I thought I did, and if I knew him better maybe I could have fixed things and made it so they weren’t so bad between us now.”

He looked like he was going to talk, so I raised a hand to interrupt him.

“I know, I know. I have to move on and let the past be. Still can’t help but wonder if I could have avoided some of the mistakes we made as a couple if I paid more attention to him. I mean, those are things I should have known about him, aren’t they? I should have been aware of what would trigger him and what would bother him most. But I didn’t. I didn’t think he’d react as badly as he did, because I thought he would always be a rational person and ignored the fact that he could be just as emotional as anyone else.”

Vincente sat quietly and let me rant away. Once I had finished talking and was looking at him, I could see his expression had changed. He had lost the intense look on his face and now it was one of thoughtful silence that greeted me. I definitely hadn’t seen this part of Vincente before, though it should have been pretty obvious to me that it existed; he wouldn’t be in college if he couldn’t do any thinking when the time called for it.

“You’re overthinking it. People are going to show you what they’re going to show you. It’s not a mask or a way of hiding their true thoughts from you. People aren’t that manipulative. Most people don’t run around figuring out how they can misdirect other people, and it’s sorta crazy that you think that way.”

“Maybe you didn’t know Alex as well as you thought you did. But that’s not because Alex didn’t want to show it to you. He sounds like the kind of kid that’s very genuine. He probably showed you exactly how he was feeling, but you both aren’t the most demonstrative of people. He probably doesn’t know how to show off that more sentimental side, and I don’t know if you’d recognize it even if he did show it. So yeah dude, you didn’t figure him out, but that’s not on him. That’s on you for not asking and trying to learn more when you didn’t know enough. You wouldn’t leave yourself in the dark in a class, why did you think it was a good idea to not get all the information with guys? And yes, I already know you well enough to say you’re doing the same thing with your college man candy. Go fix that.”

I thought about what Vincente said while he got back to work and started typing away at his keyboard. He was signalling that the conversation was over for now, and he’d said enough that I needed some time to process what he’d said and really think about how I’d screwed up without even realizing it. I did need to do better. I didn’t want another catastrophe with Bryce the way things happened with Alex. I didn’t know how to begin.

I couldn’t just ask Bryce to tell me what kind of person he was, could I? Who asks something like that? Who has an answer for something like that? I wouldn’t know what to say if someone asked me to describe my personality and what my special triggers were. God, why couldn’t relationships be easy for once, instead of being complicated disasters I couldn’t figure out.

I turned back towards my essay. Only four pages in. I still had a few pages to go, but my ability to concentrate was completely shot at this point. I wasn’t going to get anymore work done on the proper construction of argumentative essays and how they differ from other essay types, not with my mind on Alex and Bryce and what Vincente had to say.

Damn him anyways. Ruined a perfectly good study session. Or I guess I did. Another thing I’ve managed to fuck up.

I packed up my stuff and stood up. My actions caught Vincente’s attention, and he looked at me quizzically. He must have known I wasn’t anywhere near completing my essay. I couldn’t stay, everything about the study session wasn’t making sense anymore. I needed to go for a walk or something to try and clear my mind enough to focus. I grabbed my stuff and left without another word, and didn’t look back until I had left the library and gotten back outside.

I originally thought that I would wander campus with my laptop, but I realized how silly that would look and decided to drop my stuff off at the room before I went for my walk. My mind kept wandering back to what Vincente said. I didn’t know too much about the people in my life. I knew it, but hearing Vincente say it was a wakeup call. It was something that I was going to have to work on sooner than later if I didn’t want to lose anyone else.

When I got back, the bonding event was rapidly finishing up. Or at least it looked that way, considering the sheer amount of paper and other things left on the floor. Whatever the residence had been doing, it was messy. I saw Heather trying to clean up the last of the bits of paper that were left on the floor. I saw there were some extra pieces that weren’t being picked up, so I knelt down and helped.

“Oh, there you are! Where have you been all this time? Not getting injured again are you?” I heard Heather call out to me.

“Not this time. It was too noisy here, I went to go study.” I said, patting my laptop bag.

“Oh, well I suppose you can be forgiven just this once.” Heather said, winking at me. “I was meaning to talk to you, actually. Can you stop by my room after we finish cleaning up? It shouldn’t take more than 20 minutes to set the lobby right again.”

“Oh yeah, sure. I’m going to go drop my stuff off, I’ll see you soon.”

I left Heather to finish cleaning everything that exploded through the lobby, trying not to track any of it onto my shoes and make the RA’s jobs harder than it had to be. It was nice to have a chance to relax, and I laid down on my bed after I put the laptop bag on my desk. So much was going on, I couldn’t even try to figure out what Heather wanted with me.

After a few minutes of laying down, I rearranged everything and put my stuff away, then made my way down to Heather’s room down the hall. Her door was open and I could see her sitting at her desk with her head down, trying to catch some rest of her own after that event. I knocked on the door and she bolted upright with a start.

“Oh, Devin! Gosh you scared me. Thanks for coming in, I haven’t seen very much of you lately, and I wanted to see if everything was alright. I know last semester things were pretty stressful for you, and you’ve had a tough time of things lately as well.”

I knew what she was talking about. The whole thing with Vincente, I never got around to telling Heather that everything had settled down. I knew she knew since she was the RA for our floor and no one had moved out, but she probably still worried about the situation there. I was glad that she was trying to be helpful, but it was part of her job as an RA so I wasn’t too excited.

“Things are better.” I replied. “I got things worked out with Vincente. He’s the one who came to help me when I got attacked. He was good about taking care of me and helping me with things when my arm was bandaged up.”

“I’m glad to hear that. Now that your arm is fixed up, you should be back on the team in no time, right? Good timing, since the season starts in a few weeks.”

Oh, I completely forgot. The baseball season. We were going to have our first game much sooner than I thought. Crap. Now I was worried. I hadn’t been able to throw in weeks, and it was going to take some time to get back into the swing of things. I couldn’t imagine Coach would have me start or even play in the first few games now. Not the way I wanted to start my season, and the thought of being completely benched disappointed me.

She must have seen the look on my face because she changed her tune completely.

“But I mean, you’ll be fine, I’m sure that there won’t be any problem getting playing time. You’ll see, you’ll be on the field before you know it.”

I got quiet, thinking about what was going to happen. I knew I was still on the team, but I hadn’t figured out what I would be doing, and Coach hadn’t said anything either. He had me practice with the pitchers, but someone was always holding me back from throwing too hard or too much.

Maybe they’re afraid I’ll break again if they push me too hard. Or they have no intention of playing me, but can’t get rid of me at this point and don’t want to get my hopes up. Either way, I’m being hung out to dry.

“What was it you wanted to talk about? I have a lot to do before end of term.”

“I really did want to check in with you, Devin. It’s been awhile since we were able to talk, and I try to talk to everyone I’m in charge of every so often to see how you’re all doing.”

“Feels like you’ve taken a special interest in me though. I don’t need to be protected. All I need is for people to treat me like everyone else and give me a chance to succeed.”

Heather’s face fell, and I knew I’d been too harsh. Ever since I got attacked it felt like everyone was dancing around me, trying to keep me from doing anything. I didn’t need to be treated like a fragile piece of glass. I needed to be given a chance and now I was getting it from my RA, and I didn’t want to deal with it anymore.

Heather did reply, but much more quietly than she had been before.

“Maybe I’m not the one you should be telling that to. You can go, sorry to have bothered you.”

I left and heard the door close behind me. Heather never closed her door. I didn’t think she could, at least until quiet hours had started.

She was right. I shouldn’t be mad entirely at her. I should be talking to Vincente and Coach about the way they’re treating me. Even Bryce had been a little unsure about what he could and couldn’t do with me. I didn’t need it, it wasn’t going to make me recover and all it would do is make me less likely to recover emotionally.

Another thing to do, but not tonight. Right now it was time to get my papers done. I turned on my computer, set it on my desk and began to work.