Extra Innings - 16. Chapter 15 B

I wasn’t sleeping well lately. Even Mother had noticed, which was a rare thing for her to notice a problem with me before I noticed it myself. Mornings and evenings leading up to the Christmas break were spent dodging questions, not a fun thing to do when your Mother is as skilled at digging information out of people as she is.

I couldn’t stop thinking about Devin. Every time I thought I was getting past the anger and starting to figure out how to move past what he did and move on with my life, I kept circling back to the same questions. Why did he cheat on me? Why wouldn’t he tell me that he was going to see someone and that it wouldn’t work when he went to college? Why did he just disappear, like I didn’t matter?

Intellectually, I knew the answers to these questions. Maybe that was the problem. I knew the answers, but I never heard them from him. I knew better than he did that it wasn’t going to work because we weren’t even going to be in the same town. We couldn’t see each other or go on dates, or do any of the other stuff that couples do. I understood that. But then why would he pretend like it was going to work? Why lie about it and then find someone to be with anyways?

I even understood a bit about the other questions as well. He must have found someone who was a better lover than me. I got it, I was inexperienced. But so was he! Maybe this other guy he found in college wasn’t, though. Probably wasn’t, so he gave Devin something I couldn’t, and he could do it more often because they were in proximity to each other.

But in order to believe that, I’d have to believe Devin was incredibly callous and that all the things and times we shared together meant nothing to him. That couldn’t be true… but then, why didn’t he call or text anymore?

College is supposed to be busy, and those few times we did talk Devin did say he was doing a lot out there. I wasn’t happy about it, but it was his life and he had to try and do the things he said he would try while he was there. Still, how long does it take to send a text message in order to show he was still thinking about me? That seemed to prove that he wasn’t thinking about me at all, and somehow that justified my anger towards him. It felt good to be angry at him. To hate him for what he did to me and for making me lose control and changing who I was so much that even my Mother figured out there was something going on.

I pressed my head into the pillow, resisting the urge to scream my frustrations about everything. Doing so would only bring Mother around to ask more questions that I didn’t want to answer or deal with; it’s not like she was going to bring forward a new perspective or some new piece of information for me to consider, and I didn’t really want to rehash my own thought processes with her at this point. Sometime later, once I actually had everything under control, I’d consider letting her know what was going on, but right now I was too mad to let anyone in to try and help me get past everything.

It’d been a few weeks since I saw Devin during the Thanksgiving Break. I couldn’t believe how little remorse he’d felt for everything that had happened, like I was supposed to just understand that we weren’t going to be together anymore. He said we were in different places now. I know he didn’t mean that geographically, but that hurt. It hurt to think that he was moving on and didn’t need me anymore.

Maybe that’s what I wanted, to feel needed.

Devin didn’t need me anymore, so he threw me away and discarded me. That’s how it felt and I’m sure that’s how it was supposed to feel. Thinking about that made me angry. I wasn’t something to be thrown away, I’m a real person with feelings that are being crushed by Devin’s shortsightedness and cruelty.

Nothing was going to be done about it right now, so I stomped down the stairs and made as much noise as possible. I know it wasn’t Mother’s fault that things weren’t going well for me, but she was the only one around and making her feel uncomfortable was soothing in its own way. Cathartic, like I was pushing my emotions onto someone else and making them feel something made it easier for me not to feel something else.

Mom was fully dressed, ready to greet me downstairs when I got out of my room. She had her car keys in her hand and was looking up at me expectantly.

“Get dressed Alex. We’re going to go to the mall. There are some last minute things I need to pick up for the holidays, and you know that we can’t find anything worthwhile here. We’ll be heading up to Spokane, the north mall. You always like it there, I’m sure you can find a way to entertain yourself while I go get the rest of the things we need.”

I didn’t say anything back to her. Turning around to shower and change into some clothing Mother would consider appropriate for going out with, I thought about what I should do at the mall. I’d long since gotten everything I needed for Mother and for the rest of the family that we were shipping gifts to, but I’d delayed on whether it would be a good idea to get anything for Devin. Part of me wanted to, even as a gesture of friendship and the past connection we had. But another part of me said that this would only make things worse and make it look like I couldn’t do anything without him, and that I was trying to buy his affections back from whoever this college guy was.

Hopefully when I got to the mall I’d be able to figure out what the right thing to do was. I couldn’t really wait that much longer, Christmas was only a few days away, and I figured that Devin would be coming home for Christmas instead of spending his holidays at the school. He’d want to, if only so he could see his Dad again,

Mother didn’t talk much on the drive out to Spokane. Mostly she just wanted to make sure that I was getting my winter school work done on time and that I was leaving lots of time for revision. Had to stay top of the class, even though there wasn’t anything to worry about for at least another year as far as colleges were concerned. Mother wouldn’t permit me to slack off or otherwise make it look like I wasn’t trying my hardest to be the best in every academic subject. I don’t know why she bothered. I didn’t have a social life to speak of, now that Devin was gone I kept to myself mostly. Staying in the library at school was a good way of avoiding Parker, Annabelle and the rest of the homophobes at school. The fact that I could study away without interruption was a bonus.

But, Mother needed to assert her authority as the head of the household, and the best way to do that was to remind me of things that I’d long since memorized as required for my continued good graces within the house. Better to acquiesce and let her think she’s being a good mother than to argue about it. She wouldn’t understand, and the last time she intervened in my social life at school, it only made things worse with Parker and Annabelle. Better to stay quiet until I could get out of here. Good grades would help me do that as well, so it worked out well for everyone.

As expected by everyone except my Mother, the mall was a mess. Everyone always leaves their Christmas shopping to the last day. It was insane. Actually, it wasn’t like Mother either. Normally this would have been taken care of weeks ago. I couldn’t say much though, considering I still hadn’t decided what to get Devin, or if I was going to get him anything at all.

If I was going to be locked in the mall for at least part of the day, I was going to go somewhere that I would at least be somewhat comfortable. I headed to the food court first, I wanted to get something to drink. As I was walking there, I thought I saw someone who looked familiar, and I turned my head to see if it was Devin. I’d been doing that a lot lately, seeing people I thought were Devin, but who weren’t once I took a better look at them.

It was him. No doubt about it. He and I locked eyes, and everything I’d been feeling and thinking over the past few weeks came surging back into me. I needed to deal with him, for once and for all.

I walked over to him and stood a couple of feet away from him. I crossed my arms and felt the redness heating up along my cheeks. I saw he’d been shopping and decided to glance down at all the stuff he’d bought today. Apparently he was another last minute shopper, but seeing all that stuff and instinctively knowing that none of it was for me spurred my anger on.

“Who’s all that for, Devin?” I asked. “I’m surprised you came all the way out here just to get some Christmas shopping done. I would have thought you could buy much better stuff in that college of yours. Don’t they have gifts for people to buy their families?”

“Doesn’t matter who they’re for, not sure why you think it’s your business.” He replied, sounding a little defensive, and maybe even a little upset to have seen me here. It was obvious he didn’t expect me and wasn’t ready to deal with what happened, and maybe I wasn’t either, but I was still hurting and not really thinking about what I was saying.

“It’s for that boy you cheated on me with isn’t it? You’re already buying him gifts and not even bothering to get me anything after we’d known each other for years. Nice to see where your priorities are.”

I smirked up at him, knowing by his silence I was right and that he was already so into this new guy that he wouldn’t ever remember me. I felt my heart breaking, knowing he wasn’t going to think of me ever the same, and that fact hurt more than the break up. We were done. He wasn’t coming back, not now and not likely ever.

“They ARE for him, aren’t they!” I gasped. Everything was crashing and I couldn’t hear anything other than my own rage and pain and I didn’t want to be around him anymore.

Even as I got louder, he lowered his voice, obviously trying not to cause a spectacle. I didn’t really care anymore. The more people who saw, the better. At least they would know what kind of person Devin was and to not waste their time with him.

“This is why things had to be over between us Alex. I thought you were the mature one, but you’re acting like an angsty little kid and embarrassing yourself. I moved on, maybe you should too.”

Something snapped inside. The way he said it, the condescending tone of voice and the way he thought he could talk down to me after all the months that I’d spent putting him back together after what Sean did to him. Even before then, I was always the one he came to get help with his problems. He never did anything for me. Never asked how I was feeling or helped me get over my feelings for him. He used me, and now he was treating me like I was the problem and needed to be gotten rid of to make his life easier again.

I’d never hit anyone before in my life, but I balled my fist and flailed out at him, aiming for his face and hoping to make as solid contact as possible. I wanted him to hurt the way I was hurting, but I couldn’t. I could only settle for punching him and hoping that he at least felt some physical pain.

“You’re an ass, Devin. I hate you!” I screamed at him, before storming off out of the food court.

I ran away from the food court without getting anything, intent on getting to Barnes and Noble. I didn’t think that Devin would follow me there, he’s always been interested in sports and didn’t have as much of a love of books that I did. But then, I didn’t think he was a cheater and a jackass either. Still, it was the only place that made sense for me to go, and as long as I was there I could try to lose myself in the labyrinth of bookshelves and try to calm myself down.

Now that my breathing was starting to slow up and my heart rate was getting back to normal, I realized that my hand hurt. I’d never punched someone before. When you see it on TV, it looks so easy and painless, but my hand really hurt now! I shook my hand out and tried to numb the pain, but everything I did made it hurt more.

I couldn’t help but start laughing. I tried to hurt Devin, and in the process all I’d managed to accomplish was to hurt myself. There was probably a lesson in this, especially since I’d bet that Devin wasn’t even hurt that badly by my punch. What a horrible irony that I was going to end up in more pain than him, when I was the one trying to inflict pain on him. This was ridiculous.

I sank down into a quiet corner of the store and thought about what happened in the food court. I punched Devin. I punched him because I was mad at him. He wasn’t going to date me ever again, I wouldn’t let myself get hurt like that again. I thought he would be different and not like all the other jocks at school, that he might actually be caring, but he was only using me. On the other hand, this solved at least one dilemma I had been facing. I didn’t have to figure out what to get him for Christmas, I gave him my gift all over the side of his face.

I was still hurting both physically and emotionally, but this was much more cathartic than I thought it would be. I think I can start moving on after this, since it’s been made really clear even to me that he’s moved on. That means I’ll probably get even more emotional over the short term, but it will be better for me in the long run and means I won’t have to worry about what he’s doing anymore.

When Mother finally called me to see where I was, I let her know and we started to make our way through the crowds and the eventual drive back to Colfax. The roads were still slippery as all hell. I wasn’t too surprised that Mother was driving slowly, letting all sorts of people pass her by on the highway. I was relaxed on the drive home, and was even pleasant to Mother when she tried to engage me in conversation. For the first time in the last few weeks, things made sense and I didn’t have to overthink and analyze everything that was going on around me.

When we got home, I pulled ou the last bits of my homework and started reading ahead for what would be covered in January. This time I was completely focused on my task, and the notes were of much better quality than they were over the last few weeks. Whatever was going to happen in the future, it wasn’t going to happen in Colfax, and it wasn’t going to happen with Devin. Both those reasons meant I needed to do the best I could for myself and focus on me.

As I turned out the lights and tucked myself into bed, for the first time since the break up I felt comfortable in my bed, and fell asleep right away.