GWM - 15. Chapter 15 of 18

Dennis

Dennis seemed even better than Jimmy and Geoff, and Harry didn’t meet him through an ad. He first noticed Dennis the way he noticed any number of good-looking guys: by simply acknowledging to himself that there was an attractive man. He expected nothing of it. Usually, the guy was straight. Often, Harry never saw him again.
Dennis was at a fundraising party. He and Harry never spoke, and Harry never would have thought of him again, let alone known his name, if he hadn’t turned up at Harry’s office the following week.
“I’m in the Theater Department at Smith,” Dennis said. “I’m the new TD.” They shook hands, though Harry didn’t know what “TD” meant. “Technical Director,” Dennis explained. “I run the shop and build the scenery.”
Carpenter, Harry thought.
“I’ve heard you’ve got the best computer drafting program in town,” Dennis went on. “I’d love to see it.”
For Harry, the CAD equipment was just another tool. But he’d forgotten how hard academics, even at Smith, had to fight for things. He was happy to share the program.
Dennis said he’d worked with an older one in grad. school. “They had the software and the manuals. But the guy who’d bought it had moved on, and no one really understood how the damned thing worked. Over three years, I became the ‘expert.’ Though everything I taught myself still could be wrong.”
“I doubt that,” Harry said. “It’s not complicated.” But he was too busy to spend any time with Dennis that afternoon. “If you stop back next week, maybe we can work something out.”
Dennis did that, and their next meeting went well enough to set up something regularly. Soon they added in weekly lunch.
Harry didn’t know much about Dennis, and, figuring him straight, didn’t think much about their slowly growing friendship. He found the guy easy to be with, and it certainly didn’t hurt that he was fun to watch.
He nearly always turned up in torn jeans and a ripped or paint-spattered T-shirt. He seemed to have several dozen. “I keep forgetting I’m faculty,” Dennis said, laughing. “The department chair keeps giving me a hard time about my clothes. But I’m in the shop all day. It’s dirty. I’ve been building scenery since high school, and it hasn’t changed what I wear.”
“How’d you get interested in theater?” Harry asked.
“I followed a girl into it. I was managing the track and soccer teams in junior high, mainly to be with my friends. I was never interested in working out. Then in tenth grade, this girl I liked joined the drama club, and I had the choice of cleaning up after sweaty guys or hanging out with pretty girls. Not much of a contest.”
Harry wasn’t sure he’d make the same choice.
“Of course, the coach was pretty pissed off.”
“You ever been interested in design?” Harry asked.
“Oh, hell. That’s as hard as sports,” Dennis said, grinning. “I can build anything. It takes nothing. Welding. Mitering. Carving industrial foam. But don’t ask me to design stuff. It never works.”
“It’s fun.”
“You’ll never convince me.”
Dennis was eight years younger than Harry, but he seemed even younger than that. “What do you want to do eventually?” Harry accidentally asked.
“This is it. No reason to stop.” Then Dennis held up his hands. “‘Long as I’ve got all my fingers.” They were all banged up, but still added to ten.
Harry looked forward to seeing Dennis each week, as he would any friend. Then, another guy in the office -- seeing Dennis leave one afternoon -- asked, “What’s that guy doing around here?”
Harry explained. “It’s kind of community service.”
The older man disapproved. “For someone who’s been here only a couple of months, he’s developing a nasty reputation.”
“How?” Harry had heard nothing.
“He’s a cocksucker.”
Harry needed to think. “Literally?” he asked. “Or just a prick?”
“Someone I know saw him come out of a gay bar.”
This was not entirely bad news.
Still, Harry made no comment. There were probably logical reasons why a straight guy, especially one working in theater, might be in a gay bar. And the particular architect Harry had been talking with was often unreliable. Plus, if he’d known of Harry’s interest in men -- as most people in the office did -- he might have forgotten. But the question of Dennis’s being gay certainly gave Harry something to think about.
He could simply ask him, of course, though there’d never been any indication. Even if Harry watched more carefully, there possibly never would be. Or he could just assume Dennis was gay, and ask him out. That seemed most honest, and the next time they had lunch, Harry asked if Dennis would like to go out some evening. “Unless you’re already seeing someone.”
Dennis hesitated. “Actually...” he started. Then he stopped.
Harry waited.
“I was living with someone before I moved here,” Dennis finally went on. “We may have broken up anyway, but we definitely split when I took this job -- he’s three states away.”
Harry still said nothing. And Dennis had more to explain.
“Except that he’s called every night for the last two weeks. And we’ve said more on the phone than we have in a couple of years. And I’m going to see him this weekend.”
Harry grinned. “I had to ask.”
“I’m not uninterested,” Dennis assured him. “I think you’re great. I just need to see how the weekend goes.”
The following week, Harry again talked with Dennis. “Things went well,” Dennis said, laughing. “We had fun. But Stan’s an actor. He’s in a company in D.C. And I’m not about to quit my job here.”
“You could try long distance...”
“Never works for me.”
Harry wasn’t sure where that left him.
“So if you’d still like to have dinner,” Dennis went on. “Yeah. That’d be great.” Then he smiled.
They had dinner that Saturday, at a restaurant Harry had never been to. He balanced the unpredictable food against a lack of memories. After dinner, they saw an old Czechoslovakian film, then talked till three AM in an all-night diner.
Harry didn’t even consider asking Dennis home, and he couldn’t guess what Dennis was thinking. They were friends. He wasn’t about to louse that up.
For the next month, he saw Dennis maybe a couple times a week, working around each other’s schedules. “The department thinks it owns me,” Dennis joked one evening. “But it’s always been that way.”
They’d go out for a snack -- dinner for Dennis -- at midnight, when he’d finished a tech. rehearsal. They had a number of things in common in addition to working late. Though in other areas, they couldn’t have been further apart. Still, it was a easy balance, overall. Though the first time Harry saw Dennis’s apartment, he couldn’t stop laughing. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry,” he insisted. “I’m really sorry.”
“What?” Dennis asked, missing it all.
It shouldn’t have been a surprise. Dennis always smelled clean. His hair was reasonably cut. As the weather got colder, he added flannel shirts and an old motorcycle jacket to his battered T-shirts and jeans. But he still looked more like a Midwestern undergrad than Ivy League faculty. And his apartment looked like a dump.
Clothes were dropped anywhere. Bowls and glasses collected in the sink. Pizza boxes and junk mail scattered the floor like toys from a two-year-old.
“How long have lived here?” Harry asked.
“Since September.”
“It’s not a sublet?”
“Nah, I got it clean-scrubbed.”
And they both laughed.
Harry had expected some mess. Dennis had prepared him for that. But the living room mainly held a drafting table and stool, with a computer on a side desk. The dining room was wall-to-wall unpacked cardboard boxes, with a huge sound system planted in front of them. The bedroom contained a waterbed and a small TV/VCR/DVD combination, also sitting on the floor.
“Looks like I’m camping out,” Dennis admitted.
“Looks like you’ve been overrun by bears.”
“Nah, they couldn’t stand my junk.”
They laughed again, but it didn’t make Harry want to stay.
He’d stopped to pick Dennis up. They were headed for a movie, not having seen each other for a week. Dennis’ actor friend Stan had been visiting.
Harry didn’t ask how things had gone, not wanting to be quizzed about his own weekend. He’d spent it largely in bed with Ryan.
“Good times,” Ryan had said. “I’ve missed that.”
In addition to playing with Harry, Ryan had played a bit on his new baby grand. It pretty well filled the living room of his newly bought house. And though Ryan had been really loose, he didn’t seem to drink any less than usual.
“To your job working out,” Harry toasted at one point.
“It couldn’t be better.”
It wasn’t the first weekend, they’d spent together. There was something Harry loved about the man. He just couldn’t let him too close.
After the movie with Dennis, he and Harry went for dinner, and Harry asked about Stan. Dennis laughed. “If that were my only problem...”
“What?” Harry said.
Dennis grinned at him. “You really want to know?”
“Sure.”
Dennis laughed again, then said, “Right now, there are five people chasing me. Two of them claim they’re in love. I can’t go anywhere, with any one of them, without pissing all the others off.”
He laughed a third time, then added, “One of them isn’t even a guy. She’s this gorgeous actress who told my head carpenter she wants to throw me on the scene shop floor and fuck my brains out.”
“Can’t be the first time,” Harry said, smiling.
“It ain’t. And I’d easily sleep with her... Shit, I have slept her, even though she’s a grad student – and you’re the first person I’ve told that to, so keep your mouth shut.” He hesitated, smiling. “But it’s not the same as being with a guy.”
“Who are the other four?” Harry asked, hoping he wasn’t in the count.
“Well, Stan, of course. The more we’re apart, the more he wants to get back together. And the department chair. It turns out he wasn’t watching my ripped jeans for no reason -- and he has a wife and two married kids. And a guy I met in a bar in Springfield. Oops, two guys -- I forgot about last night’s phone message. A guy who had really fast sex with me once and now wants to follow me to the edge of the solar system. Then there’s a guy I’m actually interested in, from another bar.”
Harry was happy he wasn’t on the list, but still didn’t know how he felt about that. Left out, maybe. But safer.
The evening ended with Dennis being dropped at his apartment. “Wanna come in?” he asked. “Stan left some good Scotch.”
“I’ve gotta drive,” Harry said.
“Four miles. You can stand one shot.”
“Nah, but thanks.”
The next time Harry asked about the “five,” the count was up to eight.
“You know about Stan. And Lexi -- the actress. And the department chair. And three guys in two bars. And now someone in my Intro. class keeps leaving me notes in my department mailbox. Notes and candy, but no name. I don’t even know if it’s a guy. Plus there’s a ringer for Truman Capote who won’t quit leaving what he thinks are very funny messages on my cell phone.”
“Where’d you meet him?”
Dennis had to think. “I don’t even know,” he said, laughing.
“How’d he get your number?”
“Oh. Oh! That’s it! Right. I was standing in line in Stop ‘n Shop, and my phone kept ringing. I probably answered three calls, and still had time for a conversation with him.”
“You gave him your number?”
“Well, he was a really cute guy. He looks like Truman Capote when he was hot.”
“Who do you like the most?” Harry asked. “Out of this bunch?”
“Right now, none of ‘em -- including Stan. I was in the shower this morning, trying to let it wake me up. I wasn’t even interested in going to work -- and that never happens. And I was thinking that my truck needs new brakes, and it’s probably gonna need a new transmission before winter’s done. And my apartment’s a wreck, and I’m not even unpacked after almost four months. And I’ve got sixty grand in college loans, a batch of horny idiots chasing me, and I’m gay. What could be worse?”
“Do you really feel that way?”
“What?”
“About being gay?”
Dennis looked at Harry for a moment. “Yeah. I hate it. Don’t you?”
Harry didn’t need to think. “No,” he said.
“Maybe I’m just not ready for it yet,” Dennis explained. “Not full-time. Not as an adult. In college, it was fun. Even in grad school. But in the real world – it’s only complicated.”
“Maybe you should relax.”
Dennis laughed. “I am relaxed. I’m screwing my brains out -- it’s what every guy wants. If only people didn’t try and own me.”
“Then choose one of them. Make up your mind.”
Dennis laughed even harder. “That’s hard when you’re the candy store.”
And Harry laughed. He’d never thought of it that way. “I know I’m good looking,” he slowly admitted. “I even depend on that. But I’ve never been hot, so I don’t know what that means.”
“It means you want to fuck me, too,” Dennis said.
“No,” Harry lied.
“Thank god.”
“We’re friends,” Harry went on. “Let’s keep it that way.”
“I’ll drink to that.”
The truth was Harry would have paid to see Dennis naked. He’d even been dreaming about the guy. There was an orgy, with bodies everywhere. But every time Harry looked, Dennis was the only one dressed.
Harry partly distracted himself by spending Christmas in Chicago. “Been a long time,” his dad said.
“I saw you last summer,” Harry joked. “At cousin Julie’s wedding.”
“That was in Minneapolis. It’s not the same as being home.”
“Christmas just isn’t Christmas when you’re not here,” his mother added.
It’s not that Harry was the favorite child. But he was first among equals.
Still, Harry was back with Ryan for New Year’s Eve. “I hate spending this night alone,” Ryan said. “So thanks for coming back early.”
“Hard to believe it’s been a year,” Harry told him.
“And you’re still not married.”
Harry tried only to laugh. “That’s just what my mother said.”
“They still don’t know?”
“Who can tell? I try to make it obvious. But they don’t want to talk about it. Though I did tell my brother and sister.”
“What’d they say?”
“My sister had pretty well guessed. She said, ‘Why else would you never bring women home?’ My brother thought about it overnight, then said, ‘You could’ve told me long ago. I would’ve been okay.’”
“That’s what your parents’ll say.”
“I know. But I also don’t. So why take a chance and mess up family gatherings?”
Gordon had spent the holiday with his family. “It’s the one time my daughters declare peace.”
“They want the presents,” Harry joked.
“They get them anyway. I send them money all the time. They don’t send it back, just never say, ‘Thanks.’”
“They feel entitled?”
“No. I think it’s more that no one under forty knows how to write Thank-You notes. You don’t even get the concept.”
Dennis shared semester break with Stan. “D.C. was great. I’ve never spent much time there. A high school trip with my folks, and I was there once for an interview. But the museums are terrific, and they’re free. And it’s the only city with decently scaled buildings.”
“How’s Stan?” Harry asked.
“Lonely. He tried to get me a job at Arena Stage. Nice shop, and I like the TD. But I like being my own boss.”
When Dennis got home, there was a stack of Christmas cards from his “fans.” ‘Truman Capote’ even sent homemade porn.
Harry watched it with Dennis. “He’s kind of slick with a dildo,” Dennis said. And they laughed.
In January, Harry spent a weekend helping Dennis unpack. They bought bookcases and put them together. They found a second-hand couch and a couple of arm chairs. Dennis even looked at new trucks, while Harry figured the payments.
“Way too much,” Dennis decided. But while they were working out bills, he let Harry consolidate all his student loans.
“That’s a huge help,” he admitted. “I need to be paying less.”
“But for longer.”
“It hardly matters. I’m always gonna have a job.”
To Harry, it was almost like he was dating Dennis. They talked a lot. They spent a lot of time together. Then Dennis went off and had sex with other guys.
“Now you know how I feel,” Gordon said, laughing.
Harry half-laughed. “I’ve always known that.”
“But it doesn’t change your mind.”
“You got your Christmas present.”
“And it was just what I wanted.”
It had been easy sleeping with Gordon. As it was fun seeing Ryan. Harry even saw Ron and Geoff, and Jimmy had sent a card. So maybe Carl had been right all along. It was all about buddies.
When they were working on Dennis’s apartment, Harry figured he might even see Dennis without a shirt. But it never happened. He’d see occasional skin through a hole. Or find himself staring down a T-shirt sleeve. He’d managed to see Dennis’s belly a few times, when he stretched his arms to work above his head. There was hair and muscle. But Harry never got the whole view.
And with all his sidestepping, he never really figured out how he felt about Dennis. The guy seemed mostly a kid. But one Harry could live with the rest of his life?
When Dennis brought back stories about Stan and the others, Harry just listened. He didn’t worry because he honestly didn’t think anything could ever happen. Dennis would always move on. Though some part of Harry felt, “If I just hold still, he’ll find me.”
But Dennis made new friends as fast as he lost others. Harry didn’t even keep track. He’d barely touched Dennis, but knew he wanted to. After dinner one night -- which Dennis had spent largely tallying his “groupies” -- instead of simply dropping Dennis off, Harry went into his apartment. They were standing by the door when Harry purposely unzipped Dennis’s jacket.
“What’s that about?” Dennis asked.
Harry was curious how far he’d get. They were face-to-face. Harry slipped off the jacket, and Dennis did nothing to resist.
Harry unbuttoned Dennis’s shirt. It was heavy flannel and slow going, but it was soon lying on the floor.
Dennis simply asked, “What’s going on?”
Harry pulled Dennis’ T-shirt over his head. Dennis obliged by lifting his arms. The guy had a very nice chest.
Harry slipped off Dennis’ belt.
While Dennis watched.
Harry unbuttoned Dennis’s jeans, unzipped the fly, and let the jeans slide to the floor, aided by a heavy ring of keys. Dennis wore blue boxers. Harry thought for a moment, then pulled them to Dennis’ ankles.
Then he stepped back, until he could see Dennis all in one look. Then he looked in Dennis’s eyes.
“If you could have anything right now,” Harry asked. “What would it be?”
Dennis said nothing. He simply looked down. And Harry knew he could kiss Dennis. Or have sex with him. Or just walk away and leave him there. He could even make Dennis happy. He knew what the guy liked.
“You gonna say something?” Harry finally asked.
Dennis was silent.
“Afraid you’ll hurt my feelings?” Harry went on.
Dennis studied the floor.
“I may have just totally fucked our friendship,” Harry said. “But I think you know why.”
Dennis didn’t blink.
“I need you as a friend,” he finally said. “You’re my one safe place. Were.”
Harry laughed. “I still am. I haven’t touched you, kid. Purposely.”
“You just had to see what everyone else was getting?” Dennis was grinning.
“Was that so hard to say?”
Dennis’ grin got even wider. “Hell, you could’ve just asked.” He nodded towards his dick. “Wanna see it bigger?”
“Good night,” Harry said. And he left Dennis laughing.
Dennis called while Harry was still getting into his car.
“I just need to say one more thing,” Dennis began. “And it’s kinda hard. You really are too important to my life. I absolutely need someone I can talk to, honestly. But if that’s making you crazy, please let me know. I don’t love you. I don’t want to marry you. I’m way too young to even consider growing up. But just now, I can’t live without you.”
Harry thought about that for a moment, maybe for what seemed a little too long. Then he said, “You’ve got a real nice cock, kid. I didn’t know that.”
It took Dennis a moment to laugh. “Wanna see it again?” he joked. “You can come right back in.”
Harry laughed. “It doesn’t matter.”
“I know that. But next time, I want to see yours.”
They were silent a moment.
“Lunch tomorrow?” Dennis went on.
“Sure thing.”
“I’ll pay.”
During lunch, Harry happened to ask, “How’s Stan?”
Dennis grinned. He was completely loose. “I’ll probably marry someone like Stan someday. If I live that long.”
Harry laughed. “I’m sure we both will.”