GWM - 16. Chapter 16 of 18

Josh

And Josh seemed the one. Safe. Cautious. Maybe a little too extreme. But Harry figured anything opposite what he’d been doing couldn’t be bad.
They met through Josh’s ad. Harry had promised himself not to run any, but he still scanned the paper weekly and listened to voice mail. Occasionally, he checked the Internet. He’d noticed Josh’s ad, saw it a second time, then finally answered during the fourth week. When Josh didn’t call, Harry figured it was too late.
Three weeks later, Josh phoned. He introduced himself by saying, “You answered an ad I ran. Some weeks ago. It’s taken me a while to catch up.”
This was Josh’s first ad. “It all takes getting used to,” he said.
“Did you get a lot of answers?” Harry asked. He’d gotten several dozen on a good run.
“Forty-two.”
Harry whistled. “You have been busy.”
“It’s too much, really. If five guys had called, that would have been plenty. But with so many...”
“What did you do?”
“I’ve been phoning them. Pretty much in the order they called. Some guys, I knew I didn’t want to meet. But it seemed only fair to answer.”
“You must be the last guy to feel that way,” Harry said, laughing. Which made Josh laugh.
“People tell me that.”
Harry tried to remember the ad. It had to be intelligent, or he wouldn’t have been interested. But bright ads rarely got much response. He’d tried quite a range. Now if Josh had said he was twenty-two and blond...
“What did you say?” he had to ask. “I don’t mean to insult you. And it’s not like I’ve answered thousands myself...”
“No, other guys had to ask, too.” There was a rustling at Josh’s end of the phone, then: “It’s just what I’ve seen in other places. ‘Black hair, brown eyes, Japanese. 6'-1", 185, 32. Professional, educated, athletic. Seeks guy next door, for keeps.’”
“I think it’s the ‘For keeps’ that did it,” Harry said. “It’s like a flare.”
“Is that what got you?”
“Probably.” He was grinning, though Josh couldn’t see that.
“You don’t think it’s sentimental?” Josh went on.
“No.”
“One guy called it ‘maudlin.’ ‘Slickly maudlin.’”
“Then why did he answer?”
Josh laughed. “He said Japanese guys have little dicks. He’s afraid of big ones.”
Harry laughed. “I’m sorry. Some guys are just jerks.”
“I guess. I’ve never met anyone this way before. I’ve mainly...” And he stopped.
Harry waited. “Have you seen many of the guys?”
Josh laughed again. “A few.”
“But you’ve talked with them all?”
“You’re the last.”
“How come you’ve only met a couple?”
Josh hesitated. “Let me try and be polite...”
“That could take a forever...”
“Tell me about it...”
And they laughed.
“Or let me guess,” Harry said. “They all wanted to know about your dick.”
“Well, not all.”
‘Almost?”
“Probably ninety percent. I should’ve kept track.”
“I could bet almost specifically what they asked.”
Josh laughed. “Actually, there were two groups. ‘Tiny.’ And ‘Uncut.’ And half the guys assumed I was born in Japan and would barely speak English. And they were comfortable with that. I don’t know what they were expecting.”
“Maybe it wasn’t the ‘For Keeps,’” Harry admitted. “Maybe you’re more exotic than I thought.”
“When was the last time you dated a Japanese guy?”
Harry didn’t have to think. “I haven’t.”
“Me, either.”
They laughed together.
“My parents claim I’m slightly racist about that,” Josh went on. “They have a lot of Japanese friends. Of course, they have more who aren’t.”
“Where are you from?”
“New Haven. The suburbs... no one lives in the city. At least, no one I know.”
“But these guys figured you were a peasant, from a rice paddy, with a short, uncut dick. Even though you’re six-foot-one.”
“Yeah, like no one understands proportions. No one knows math.”
Harry laughed. “That’s standard.”
“I’m learning that. Though only guy was really rude. But they all have their fixations. I’d just about get started, trying to figure out what the guy on the other end was like, when suddenly he’d ask, ‘What movie star do you look like?’ Or ‘What famous person?’ Like we all need to look like celebrities.”
Harry waited. He counted to three. Then he asked, “Who do you look like?”
He could tell Josh was pissed.
“It was a joke,” Harry insisted. “You set yourself up.”
After a moment, Josh laughed. “Yeah... I do that a lot. Some of my friends call me ‘Clueless.’”
Harry smiled.
“And I know I’m too serious,” Josh went on. “Too driven. And it’s not like I’m strange looking. I can’t go into a bookstore anymore without someone asking me a question. Just to meet me.”
“Can you explain quantum theory?” Harry said thickly.
Josh laughed. “Actually, I can. But you try so hard to be interesting, and all you get is questions about your body.”
Harry grinned. “You’re just burnt out from all those calls.”
“I’m glad you’re the last.”
It didn’t seem like they were going to meet.
“Well, thanks for phoning,” Harry said. “It’s been good talking with you...”
“No... wait... I didn’t mean it like that.” He quickly added, “You sound like a really nice guy. Would you like my phone number? I don’t offer it to everyone.”
“I’d love your number,” Harry said. “I didn’t think that was going to happen.”
Which is how Harry and Josh became friends.
After that, they began calling each other regularly. Sometimes a few times a week, sometimes more. Sometimes, Harry would get home, and there’d be a message waiting.
It could just be a comment about something the President had said. Or done. Or not done. They talked about politics a lot. Harry left messages for Josh, too, but less challenging ones. He liked to make the guy laugh.
They talked for almost a month that way. Did Harry ever wonder what Josh looked like? Yeah, though he picked up information here and there. Josh worked out. He rode horses. Swam. He needed to fix his tortoise shell glasses and worried about wearing Brooks Brothers suits all the time.
“I know they’re too baggy,” he said. “And too conservative. But I like how they’re traditional. And they don’t make me look over-built.”
Josh worked out as intensely as he did anything else.
“I’ve tried to cut back. I don’t go in every day. But I wake up at five AM, and what else is there to do?”
“Roll over,” Harry joked. He was rarely up before eight.
“I saw my wife recently,” Josh went on. “My ex-wife. We ran into each other at the pool. And she said she never would’ve divorced me if I’d had this body when we were married. Of course, I started working out in frustration with our marriage.”
Harry hadn’t known Josh had been married. He sometimes seemed private to the edge of paranoia. But Harry also discovered that Josh would tell him everything he needed to know, in time. Just being patient finally led Josh into suggesting they get together.
“When’s best for you?” he asked. “And where?”
“Can I drag you to a movie?”
“Not if I can help it.” Josh didn’t see many movies. He mainly read. Philosophy.
“We could meet at a bookstore,” Harry offered. “I could flash you in an aisle.”
Josh laughed, “Every time I think I’ve got you figured out, you throw me. Maybe seeing you will help.”
“What if you don’t like what you see?”
“It’s not like we’re getting married. You don’t even know how to ride.”
Harry had never been near a horse in his life.
So why did he want to meet Josh? Mainly because the guy seemed really bright. Even more, Harry was positive the one thing that wouldn’t happen was they’d quickly end up in bed. In all their conversations, they’d barely discussed being gay.
They met at the Smith Art Museum, though Josh didn’t especially like art. His field was urban planning. Harry liked sculpture more than painting, but they met in the Impressionist wing.
Harry was late. He’d been delayed at the office. Josh was circling a backless bench. He wore black jeans, a bomber jacket, a faintly striped T-shirt, and running shoes. He carried a baseball cap.
His hair was sharply cut. His dark eyes dominated his cheerful face. Harry found him completely appealing.
“I was afraid you wouldn’t show,” Josh said.
Harry smiled. “One of our clients panicked. Last minute stuff. A little silly.”
Josh nodded.
“They always ask the longest questions when you’re in a rush. But I couldn’t hang up.”
“You need to call them back?”
“No, we set a meeting for Monday. Things’ll be fine till then.”
Josh smiled and seemed to be studying Harry.
“Want to walk?” Harry asked.
“I’d rather eat. I’ve been going on coffee since six.”
“There’s a snack bar.”
“I know somewhere better.”
They drove to a conservative restaurant. English landscapes on the walls. Dark wood. Green leather.
“I come here often,” Josh said. “But no one really knows me.”
“Though you come here often?”
“Well, the waiters recognize me. But I’m always alone.”
Harry laughed.
Josh ordered a club sandwich and more coffee. Harry had shepherd’s pie because he’d always liked the name. They talked as they had on the phone, casually and on many subjects. As they finished, Josh took the check. “You drove,” he said. “And you need to check your oil.”
Harry hadn’t noticed the warning light, but -- sure enough -- his oil was low. They stopped at a gas station.
“Probably saved your engine,” Josh said.
“I would’ve seen it tonight. I told you, I was in a hurry...”
“And at lunch?”
“I walked.”
They shook hands in the parking lot. Shook hard.
“I draw with these things,” Harry warned.
Josh shrugged. “Habit.”
There wasn’t anything weak about the man.
“I’ll call you,” Josh said.
“I wasn’t worried about that. Though I really can’t get you to a movie?”
“How about dinner, instead?”
They settled on the weekend. Then Josh disappeared.
During the week, they negotiated the restaurant. Harry started easy, but Josh was more adventuresome. They compromised on a place he’d heard recommended in Hartford.
“That’s a drive,” Harry said.
“Sometimes you’ve got to travel, for decent food.
It was more than decent. Though a bit expensive.
“What did you think?” Josh asked as they finished coffee.
“Beats hell out of me.”
Josh grinned.
“Delicacy confuses me,” Harry explained. “I prefer bulk.”
“Not in the New Cuisine,” Josh said, laughing. “It’s nine-tenths presentation. Ten-tenths.”
Harry had liked the food more than Josh did. Though Josh listened patiently to Harry’s opinions. Now about architecture, they could argue fiercely.
“How can you like Geary?” Josh fought. “The man’s a fraud.”
“Because you’re not thinking of his buildings as sculpture... Dropped in otherwise predictable urban landscapes...”
“That’s garbage.”
“Next week?” Harry asked, still laughing as he dropped Josh by his car. They’d met in Northampton, then Harry drove.
Josh pulled out his phone. “Next week’s bad. Though the weekend opens up. ‘Cept if I have to see my parents.”
“We’ll talk then,” Harry said. Which they did.
And Josh did visit his parents. His retired dad had recently slipped off a horse, and Josh -- the oldest son -- had to work the farm.
“It’s not like I’m milking cows,” he told Harry. “It’s a hobby farm. Ten acres. My parents were both lawyers. They can’t grow anything to save themselves.”
So Harry saw Dennis on Saturday, then Gordon Sunday morning. His birthday was mid-week, and he decided to spend it with Ryan.
“Thirty-four,” Ryan joked. “What can I do to you thirty-four times?”
“Just pay for dinner,” Harry said, smiling. They were at an expensive restaurant, again in Hartford. It was near Ryan’s office. Afterward, Ryan decided they needed to spend the night at a hotel.
“I want to have sex in a Jacuzzi.”
“Can you find one with a view?”
Ryan did. “Gotta love those insurance people. Completely insane.”
Harry saw Josh the following weekend -- for a UMass basketball game, Josh’s choice. Afterwards, over dinner, he filled Harry with plans for a house he wanted to build. He just didn’t know where.
Harry’s intended house was nothing compared to Josh’s. But it turned out Josh had money.
“It was my grandmother’s, really. The house was a wedding present.”
“Generous woman.”
“Making her happy was probably half the reason I got married.”
Josh rarely mentioned his ex-wife, and when he did, Harry understood why. Their divorce had been brutal.
“It had nothing to do with who I slept with. I’d laid off by then, so there was nothing to talk about. But Laura’s dad is horribly controlling, and she kept seeing that in me. I felt she kept looking for it, because her father and I couldn’t be less alike. Though I have to admit we’re both ambitious.”
“Nothing wrong with that.”
“I know. But Laura kept saying, ‘You’re never home. You’ll never be home. I’ll end up just like my mother -- working full-time and raising three kids by myself.’”
“Has your wife remarried?”
“Oh, yeah. To a good-looking wimp.”
They laughed, then they moved on to something lighter. “My grandmother was really special,” Josh explained. “And I’m glad she liked Laura. And glad she died before we sepatated.”
“Doesn’t Laura get money from the house?”
“Some. But there was lots.”
When they shook hands, Josh was more careful. “I can be gentle,” he pointed out.
Harry smiled. “Talk with you soon.”
After two more dinners, another basketball game, and an afternoon spent watching Josh ride, Josh awkwardly touched Harry’s shoulder. Harry grinned, but Josh instantly pulled away.
“I’m no good at reciprocation,” he insisted.
“Would you like to be?” Harry asked.
Josh hesitated. “There are lots of things I’d like. I just don’t expect them to happen.”
“You just have to start.”
Josh said nothing to that, and he’d really told Harry very little about his experience. It was another dinner before he admitted, “It was mainly with one guy. We started in high school. He was my best friend, and one afternoon, he thought I was trying to blow him. Actually, I was trying to hurt him -- really squeeze his balls hard. I hated so much that I wanted him.”
“What happened?” Harry asked. When Josh hesitated, Harry suspected he’d never answered the question before.
“It turned out he wanted me, too -- that’s why we’d become friends. So I didn’t need to hurt him. Instead, we started fooling around. Then his parents came home.”
But that had begun the sex. Which lasted till both Josh and his friend married. And the other marriage held.
“I really miss him,” Josh went on. “We got spoiled... never needing to explain. Or even to talk about what we were doing.”
After Josh was silent, Harry said, “You know I’d like to be with you.”
Josh smiled. “I like you, too.”
Then he didn’t go on.
“I’m not going anywhere,” Harry assured him. “I can wait.”
“Thanks. It’s what I’ve been afraid of... that I’d lose you. I didn’t know what to expect.”
Harry put his hand on Josh’s and left it there.
“You better be careful,” Gordon soon warned. He and Harry were having lunch, a few days later. “You’re falling for someone you’ve never slept with. That’s always bad news.”
“It’s not like it’s never happened before...”
Gordon disagreed. “People used to get married only when a woman got pregnant. Except if they were kings.”
“That doesn’t apply to us.”
“And a really good friend of mine never slept with his wife before their wedding. Then it turned out they were incompatible. She wanted him, but having sex hurt her so much, she wouldn’t let him. And they were only in their early twenties. They didn’t know who to ask. So he started drinking. Nearly killed himself in a car wreck.”
“But he lived.”
“He’s on his third marriage... and still drinks. We all lost track of her years ago, but she wasn’t doing much better. And I’m not saying these things are connected. But who knows?”
“I’ll drive carefully,” Harry promised.
Gordon laughed.
Harry saw Josh for almost two months before anything serious happened. Every time they were together, Josh got bolder, once even stroking Harry’s leg under a restaurant table. Harry was too pleased to speak. But through it all, Harry didn’t push. He felt if he did, Josh might evaporate.
“That’s crazy,” Dennis told him.
“I wasn’t any different with you.”
“But I didn’t know you were interested.”
“Admitted.”
“If I had, I would’ve thought you were very shy.”
“There nothing shy about this guy,” Harry insisted. “Believe me. In any other way, it’s just what his ex-wife said -- he’s too controlling.”
“You like that?”
“Who knows? At least, it’s different.”
And they laughed.
Josh first kissed Harry in Harry’s car. First, he nuzzled Harry’s hand, brushing his lips against the palm. “You’d take me home, if I asked,” he said.
Harry nodded.
“Ask.”
So Harry did, and Josh followed him home.
Harry took the road quickly, not giving Josh time to think. Their cars arrived together. They parked. Then they climbed the stairs.
“You need a drink?” Harry offered.
Josh shook his head.
“A shower?” This was old routine.
“No.”
“Just me?”
“I guess.”
Harry slowly undressed. Josh matched him, item by item. He had a pale, finely etched body, with bold pubic hair. They lay on the bed, holding each other.
“This feels so good,” Josh admitted.
And they talked. For a long time. Then they accidentally fell asleep. Near three, Harry woke and turned off the lights.
Josh was on his back, uncovered to the waist. Harry had never seen him so relaxed. And he looked so gentle. Harry wanted to see him more like this.
In the morning, when Harry opened his eyes, he knew Josh had been watching him. “You should have gotten me up,” Harry said.
“You looked great, just lying there.” He kissed Harry, slowly, working with just the tip of his tongue.
Harry kissed Josh more playfully. They were soon both hard and joking about it.
“Now there are some rules,” Josh started. But Harry put his fingers in Josh’s mouth, to shut him up.
“No. This is important,’ Josh insisted. “I can’t let you penetrate me. That just doesn’t work. And I won’t penetrate you. I’ve never enjoyed that.”
“Say ‘fuck,’” Harry said. “Come on.”
“I can’t.”
“Some guys would toss you out right now.”
“But I don’t think you’re one of them.”
“Only ‘cause I know ways of making you talk.”
Which he showed Josh. And once Josh realized what Harry could do – and what they could do together, and for how long -- he relaxed again.
He loved Harry’s attention. “No one’s ever spent so much time on my body.”
“Of the millions of guys you’ve been with.”
“You don’t need to know how few.”
“I wasn’t asking.”
“Do you need to confess?”
“Only if it gets you off.”
‘Gets you off’ was as verboten as ‘fuck.’
So Harry moved slowly and went on pampering Josh. And Josh grew increasingly inventive. It turned out he had Eric’s discipline, without the compulsion. He let Harry take them both up, then down, then take them high again. And he quickly learned the techniques. He had the best hands since Eric’s, the most precise touch. The first time he took Harry up, he tagged along, then zoomed ahead.
Harry loved it. It was fun letting someone else lead.
“How close can you go and still stop?” Josh asked.
“Try me.”
He practically had Harry crying.
“That was neat,” Josh said when Harry would finally lose it. “You almost hit your chin this time.”
‘That time,’ Harry could barely breathe.
“I was worried,” Josh confessed.
“As long as I’m smiling....”
And everything was fine till Josh came. He’d be twisting. He’d moaning. He’d be grinning like he’d just invented the smile. Then he’d rush for the shower. At first, Harry quickly followed him, thinking he’d somehow done something wrong. But Josh just wanted to wash. It was as if he was scrubbing away sin. And he didn’t want to be touched.
Harry absorbed that. He showered alone, after Josh. Dressed, he often found Josh on his back porch. They never had sex at Josh’s apartment
“I should have warned you,” Josh finally explained. For several weeks, Harry hadn’t pushed
“It’s happened before then?” Harry asked. “With other guys?”
“I hoped it wouldn’t with you. It didn’t with Laura.”
“But with other men... ”
Josh nodded. “Except with Wes.”
Harry had to remember who Wes was.
“Your friend? The first one?”
“Yes. I told you. That was always easy. And when I’m into it... when you get me high... I don’t think. It’s like I’m someone else. Then I come, my mind clears, and it’s ‘Oh, my god. What have I done? What am I doing? This isn’t what I want at all.’”
“What changes?”
“I don’t know. I’ve asked doctors.... psychologists... psychiatrists... and they don’t know, either.”
Harry nodded. Josh studied him. Smiled. Rubbed Harry’s hand. “It’s always nice... what you and I do together. Once I’ve relaxed, I always want to do it again.”
But that sometimes took several days.
“Maybe it’ll get better,” Harry suggested.
They waited. They tried. They spent afternoons... evenings... parts of weekends... naked. Josh let Harry do almost anything he wanted. and Josh would try everything. They exhausted themselves staying right at the edge. But when Josh came, he rusted solid.
By then, Harry knew what to do. He’d completely back off and let Josh recover. He always made sure Josh made him come first. The one time Harry hadn’t, he’d had to finish by himself while Josh showered. When they were simply dating, Harry had suspected Josh might be tricky. But nothing like this.
“This isn’t going to work,” Josh finally said, quietly, one evening when Harry found him on the porch. Josh still wasn’t touchable, so all Harry could do was stand near.
“You don’t know that,” Harry said. “Maybe – if you never come -- we’ll be fine.”
Josh just stared at him. “Are you serious?”
“No,” Harry admitted, smiling. And they both kind of laughed.
“With Laura, our biggest fear was her getting her pregnant,” Josh said.
“That never happened?”
Josh shook his head.
“Why were you okay with Wes?” Harry wanted to know. “What was different?”
Josh had thought this out. “I guess because we were so young. We were twelve or thirteen. And neither of us understood consequences.” He hesitated. “But I want you so much more.”
Harry edged besides Josh on the porch bench. He ignored Josh’s flinching “We’ll figure something out,” Harry said.
But they couldn’t. It always ended the same way. Then, when they even got near to starting, Josh got tense. Finally, there was nothing either of them could do.
“Damn,” Josh said.
“Yeah,”said Harry.
And they held each other on Harry’s bed, Josh’s head resting comfortably on Harry’s chest.
“And you’re such a good man,” Josh said. “ So patient. I could love you so much.”
“It’s okay,” Harry told him.
“I’m sorry.”
“It’s okay.”
Of course, they stayed friends. That was the easy part.