Sapphire Blue - 4. The Confessions

“This is great. We should do this more often,” Mark stretched his long body on the sofa, he had a sated expression on his face as he wrapped an arm around Anna.

“Why didn't we do this before?” Ian asked.

“Because you are a weird bastard who wouldn't let anybody into this house,” Lola pointed out.

Micheal liked Lola. She was very enthusiastic and it was infectious. Watching her endlessly tease Ian was always fun, and Micheal ended up laughing till his ribs hurt. Guessing from the expression on Ian's face, it looked like he was torn between wanting to smack Lola, and at the same time having a desire to kiss his boyfriend senseless. Micheal decided he agreed with Mark; this really was nice. They had changed their normal routine of spending Saturday exclusively with each other, and had invited Ian's friend's for brunch.

Now that Micheal lived on his own, they spent a lot more time together. Ian practically lived in the small apartment and on the rare night he finally did decide to go home, he made sure that Micheal spent the night with him at his place.

After what was a rather elaborate meal they moved into the living room. Mark immediately flopped down on the larger sofa and Anna joined him. Lola sat on one of the comfortable armchairs with Micheal taking the other. Ian though, huffed at him and pulled him to the loveseat making Micheal sit with him. The surprise on the other people's faces did not go unnoticed when Ian wrapped him in his arms before burying his nose in Micheal's hair. Now he sat, nestled against Ian, the older man had an arm around his shoulders, and with his other hand he was tracing patterns on his thigh. Their friends were talking to each other about everything and nothing.

“You have been holding out on us Ian. I can't believe you made this delicious strawberry cake,” Anna scolded. Ian simply shrugged.

“But I liked the chocolate cake you made the other time better. You should have tried that one. It just melts in your mouth,” Micheal told the guests. Turning to Ian, he came up with a suggestion, “You know, maybe we can go on a picnic next time. With tea, some good wine, and that divine cake?”

Ian smiled at him, most probably at his childish enthusiasm about a chocolate cake. But damn, that cake was good. Ian kissed his nose before he replied. “Sure. I heard the park is really great for picnics around this time of the year.”

Micheal grinned at Ian, then turning back to their guests, he saw they all seemed somewhat taken aback. Anna was the first to recover, shaking her head, those green eyes of hers settled their gaze on Micheal.

“What have you done with him? This is not the same Ian I have known for the past ten years.”

“Wait till Mom hears this.” Lola bounced in her seat. “My brother never goes on picnics, ever. He used to throw tantrums when we were younger if somebody even mentioned a picnic,” she told Micheal.

“We don't have to go on a picnic. We could just eat the cake here.” Micheal was feeling guilty now. He knew that Ian struggled with this whole relationship thing, so he didn't want to pile any more burdens on him.

“Hey, no. It's really fine. I wasn't as bad as Lola makes me sound. It will be fun.” Ian pushed his hair out of his eyes. “Let's try it next weekend.”

“I'm in.” Mark said with a little wave.

“Yay!” Lola cheered.

“I'm sorry I put you on the spot with the picnic thing.”

Ian stopped pouring the bath oil into the water noticing Micheal, in his boxers, standing just inside the bathroom door, and looking guilty as hell. Ian sighed extending his hand, indicating for him to come closer.

“C'mere you.”

He pulled the younger man into his arms and kissed him. Micheal pressed himself against Ian's hard body and deepened the kiss. When he pulled back Ian took the younger man's face in his hands, trapping him so he couldn't look away.

“Stop apologizing for everything Micheal. If I didn't want it I would have told you. I told you I'm not what you deserve or what you want. But that doesn't mean I can't try to be that. Let me try everything once. If I can't do it then we can worry about what we should do next. Okay?”

Micheal just nodded, seemingly at a loss for words.

“So what do you say we enjoy our bath and relax for a while before you have to leave?”

Micheal really had no answer. He just stared at Ian, confused. Ian sighed and ushered the young man into the bathtub, then got in and settled down behind Micheal. When the smaller man wriggled and finally relaxed against Ian's chest, Ian took the bottle of body scrub and squeezed some on to his palms. He started to massage the lather on to Micheal's shoulders and upper arms, this prompted him to sag against his chest and sigh happily.

“Micheal?”

“Mmm...”

“Baby, come on don't fall asleep.”

“'M not.”

“I was thinking,” Ian started.

“Did it hurt?” Micheal snickered.

“Asshole!”

Ian punched Micheal's shoulder, then kissed the side of his neck. Micheal shuffled till he could look at Ian. Micheal leaned up and kissed him. Ian let his eyes close and bathed in the warmth of his lover. Micheal pulled away and kissed his shoulder. He took the body scrub bottle from Ian and lathered his broad chest, massaging and caressing.

“So, what have you been thinking?”

“Why don't you apply for a few colleges around here for a TA post? You are good in PR, but if you love teaching so much I think you should go for it. Don't settle for second best Micheal. If you explain I'm sure your mother would understand. Just don't tell her before you really decide on anything.” Ian pushed Micheal's hair back from his lined forehead his hairline.

“But I don't want her to be disappointed in me.”

“She won't be. Trust me. The Sherry I know will be proud of you no matter what. She loves you Micheal. I've seen it in her eyes.”

“Okay,” Micheal mumbled. He raised his eyes to meet Ian's. A mischievous glint shining out.

“Since when do you read eyes?”

“Shut up.”

“Make me.”

“That's lame for an English Lit. student. I do better and I'm horrible with language.” Ian teased.

“We are allowed to use cliches once in a while,” Micheal murmured, tracing the shell of Ian's ear and biting at it softly. A tremor ran down Ian's spine as Micheal straddled his hips and took his mouth in a scorching kiss. He didn't understand the need he constantly felt for this young man, he only knew that it was going to consume him one day.

“You are going to be the death of me, you know.” Ian told Micheal when they broke apart for air.

He ran his hands down the slender man's sides and cupped his ass, pulling him closer. Micheal leaned down and grazed their lips together. Water sloshed out from the sides of the tub. The deliberate hands that teased his nipple and tugged his hair made him neglect the reason they came into the bathroom, or the fact that they were ruining the bathroom floor. 'Fuck the bath,' Ian thought as Micheal lowered his lithe body on to his hardened length. He drowned Micheal's long moan with a kiss and let the red haze of lust take his problems away at least for a minute.

Monday morning saw Ian busy with work and a big headache, figuratively of course. Usually he worked on the weekends so that he wouldn't be overloaded with work on Mondays. But recently he had given up working on the weekends for something, actually someone, who was much more interesting than work. Now on the weekends he had his PA screen his calls and only put important calls through. Between Micheal and Alexei he had begun to love weekends and had his hands full, with rarely a minute to spare.

Then, last Saturday Lola had discovered that Micheal's birthday was in two weeks. It pissed him off for some reason that his sister found out before he did.

“Why didn't you say something about your birthday earlier?” He had asked Micheal, lying in the soft large bed, tangled up in each other, tracing the younger man's toned back after their wild romp in the bathtub that left the bathroom a wet mess.

“I didn't take you for a man who does birthdays,” Micheal had told him with a shrug, playing with the hair at the back of Ian's neck. The man was oddly obsessed about playing with his hair.

“Well, I don't do everybody's birthday. But this is yours.” He insisted.

“Seriously Ian. I don't wanna celebrate my birthday. Why would I want to celebrate growing old?”

Micheal pouted and Ian badly wanted to kiss that pout. 'Hell! I can kiss him if I wanted to.' He leaned in kissed Micheal, dropping the topic because there was no point in arguing with Micheal, but he decided to do something about it later. He gave into Micheal's insistent kiss which surely was intended to shut him up.

Now, on a Monday morning, he couldn't concentrate on the piled up work, not with the worry eating away at him. Neither could he decide what to give Micheal as a birthday gift. He only ever bought gifts for Alexei. For everybody else, it was his mother would select the gift and he would pay. He considered asking for Lola's help, but decided against it. He wanted to do this all by himself. He didn't want to share the credits with anybody else.

There was a knock on the office door before it opened, Ian looked up, feeling annoyed. He hated it when people entered his office without permission. He was about to give whoever it was a piece of his mind but stopped short seeing the woman standing in front of him.

“Mom!”

“Hello there stranger! Now I have to visit my own son in his office if I want to see him.”

Ian kissed her soft cheek and led her over to the couch on the other end of his office.

“Sorry Mom, I've been busy recently.”

“Yes, I heard someone is keeping you busy nowadays. I'm hurt you introduced him to Lola but not me.” Helen pouted.

“Mom, come on...”

“I know, I know. You need more time. Lola told me.”

“Besides you do know him.” Ian pointed out.

“Mmm. You look well darling. You don't have those awful dark circles under your eyes anymore.”

“I've been sleeping well recently.”

Ian avoided his mother's knowing smile and hoped that his face was not as red as it felt. But Helen wasn't going to let this go easily. She had watched her son's life with a heavy heart, it had broken her in pieces to see him go through men never staying with anyone for very long. She worried her favorite child would end up lonely. But his blush gave her hope. She touched a soft hand to his cheek, and turned him to look at her.

Ian couldn't evade those light brown eyes full of love and he sighed, knowing that he would spill his heart out and give her all the answers she wanted.

“He... he keeps your insomnia away?” She asked incredulous.

Ian simply nodded.

“Oh, baby,” she crooned. “Tell me all about this young man.”

“Well, he just graduated from college. He says he wants to be a professor one day, and I think he will be good at that, you know. He has a way with words, so I think he should go for it.” He could barely contain the pride he felt of Micheal. “And, I sleep like the dead with him.” He sighed.

“Are you going to tell him about Alexei?” she peered into his eyes.

“God no! There is no way in hell I would tell him about Alexei, Mom. If I do, I will have to lose Alexei. I... I can't do that.”

“But Ian...”

“Mom, I love Micheal. Trust me. After all these years I know that I found the person I can feel in love with everyday, I have finally fallen in love with him. It will always be him. I don't want to admit it, but that's the truth. But I love Alexei more.”

“Ian you can't lose Micheal! Not now.” Helen insisted.

“I have to. I can't lose Alexei so it will be Micheal.” Helen started to protest, but Ian cut in. “No Mom. Leave it alone. Besides Micheal deserves better. He didn't listen to me earlier, but this time I will make him listen somehow.”

“But, darling, you will be alone. I know you too well. I'm your mother. You can't tell me that there will be somebody else and expect me to believe you.”

“There won't be anybody else Mom, I told you. But you and I can both be happy now that I really know what love is about at least.”

“But there should be something I can do for you. Anything to make this better.”

Ian took hold of his mother's hands and rubbed circles on her hand with his thumb to soothe the agitated woman.

“Mom, Mommy.” He stopped her short. “You really want to help me?” She nodded. “Then I need your help with something very, very important. Okay?”

Micheal was typing away at his weekly report on Wednesday afternoon, trying to finish his mid-week update before he started on the details for the press conference this Saturday. Ian didn't show up for lunch, which was odd since he didn't have a lunch meeting. Micheal contemplated the idea going to look for Ian, but refrained at the last minute. That would have raised a few eyebrows and Ian still wasn't ready to come out. It was very difficult to concentrate on the task at hand while he worried about Ian. A second before he snapped with the tension, his mobile vibrated next to his computer.

“You are off for the rest of the day. Come meet me at the parking lot.” The text message said.

'So much for worrying about him,' Micheal thought to himself. He grabbed his mobile, keys and wallet off the desk and walked out of the office. 'Perks of dating your boss.' He took the elevator down to the underground parking lot wondering what was wrong. He had woken up this morning to see Ian's delectable lips around his already hard length. That talented mouth had driven him to the point he thought he would burst. Just before he could find the sweet release Ian had pulled away, leaving Micheal a whimpering, complaining mess. Then he had taken his sweet time to slide into Micheal's tight heat, still slick with the previous night's activities, determined to drive Micheal out of his mind. Neither of them had lasted long in their frenzy to bring each other off. They had come, gasping each others names to the room as their orgasms hit. Ian had left his apartment soon after, in a hurry, without even a word about breakfast. He hadn't talked to him for the whole morning, which was very odd for Ian. Now Ian's navy Land Rover was there at his usual spot. He reached the car and tapped on the window. Ian rolled down the glass, giving Micheal a dazzling smile, and unlocked the door.

“Why am I taking off from work in the middle of the day?”

“It's a surprise.” Ian puffed out his chest, proud of himself.

“I don't like surprises.”

Ian deflated like a balloon and pouted. Micheal bit his lip so he wouldn't laugh.

“Get in the damn car Micheal,” he grumbled.

At that, Micheal couldn't help laughing out loud and he got in the car before Ian started frothing at the mouth. He settled himself as Ian took the car out of the parking lot and then turned around to face his grumpy boyfriend. He was making a face that Micheal wanted to kiss, something between a scowl and a pout. He instead decided to tease him a bit more.

“You need to get laid, I think.” He stated as a matter of fact.

“Really? It's funny 'coz I did last night and this morning. May be it just wasn't good enough,” Ian smiled at him innocently.

“Hey, you can go back to your apartment tonight, ALONE.”

Ian had the nerve to laugh at him while he crossed his arms and sulked. The radio was tuned to a pop station and the man hummed along with the music. He wondered about the man's good mood as he watched Ian from the corner of his eyes. Ian kept his eyes on the road, not looking at Micheal once. 'This won't do,' he thought as Ian's insane self-control persisted. He counted a minute on the digital clock.

“Are we there yet?”

He got no reply. Two minutes.

“Are we there yet?”

He turned his body towards Ian and the man insisted on silence. Another minute.

“Are we there yet?”

Still there was no reply, though he could see the corner of Ian's mouth twitch slightly. He waited half a minute this time.

“Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we...”

Ian burst out laughing, cutting him short. 'Finally,' Micheal thought to himself.

“What, are you five?” Ian dropped his hand on Micheal's lap and traced a finger along his inner thigh.

“That got you to laugh, didn't it?”

“That it did.”

Micheal knew what Ian was doing and tried to keep his composure without giving away the effect Ian's fingers were having on him. It was maddening when Ian traced so close to the places he wanted to be touched and then retrieved his fingers at the last moment, leaving Micheal panting, writhing in his seat. To make matters worse, the man would give him one of those devastating smiles, which he knew now Ian reserved just for him. Micheal was no novice at physical relationships, if a little inexperienced, but he had never met anybody who liked winding him up the way Ian did. His previous partners had always wanted to get to the matter at hand straight away, shoving, or getting showed in, and then they'd leave. Some had asked for a cuddle or a kiss afterward, but it had been the same frenzied fuck, before Ian.

“You better be driving to my place or your place after this little session of yours.” He managed through gritted teeth as those tracing, kneading, raking fingers fogged his mind with a haze of red lust.

“It's neither. We're at the park, baby. So you will have to behave yourself for a few hours.” Ian peered into his eyes with an evil smile.

Micheal looked around, paying attention to the surroundings for the first time since he got in the car. They had parked next to the park, a few blocks away from their office. The park wasn't quite as busy as it was in the middle of the week.

“What are we doing in the park on a Wednesday?” He asked looking around.

In the meantime Ian had got out of the car and walked around to the passenger side to open his door. Micheal slid out of the car and Ian closed the door behind him before he went to the back to open the back and rummage through it.

“We are having a picnic,” Ian told him with a triumphant smile. “I brought lunch and some of that chocolate cake you like so much.” Ian gave him a tartan blanket and a couple of cushions, which looked like they belonged to Ian's couch.

“But we were going to do it with your friends this weekend.”

Micheal still didn't know where this was going. 'Did he pull his friends out of their offices too?'

“Well, I didn't want to wait that long. Besides I wanted to come with you. Just the two of us.”

Ian closed the back and locked the car before he grabbed Micheal's hand and started walking towards the park. Micheal let the man drag him along to the place he had decided to camp, underneath a massive oak tree with lots of shade and giant roots they could lean on.

He knew he had fallen too deeply for the man now, and his heart swelled knowing that Ian wanted to do this with him for the first time. He wanted to kiss him silly right now, right here. As he watched, Ian let go of his hand and spread the blanket. He put the wicker basket on one corner next to Ian's guitar. If he guessed correctly, the man must have bought the basket today since Micheal was sure as hell that Ian didn't have a wicker picnic basket. Ian laid out a lunch for two with wine, juice and a large piece of that wonderful chocolate cake. Then sat in the middle of the blanket with his legs crossed. Watching this closed off man warm and open up, doing sweet things for him like this, filled his heart to the brim with warm emotions. Ian patted the ground next to him and Micheal shook himself out of his scattered thoughts and sat next to Ian as the long unnamed emotion steeled itself inside his heart.

After lunch they laid down next to each other on the blanket, staring at the leaves above.

“This isn't half bad. I don't know why I never did this before.” He mused.

Micheal hummed in reply.

“So, do you rally think that I should go for a TA job, if I can get one?” Micheal asked after a while.

He turned to face the young man lying next to him and saw Micheal watching him. He took in the beauty of those large blue eyes that never ceased to make him catch his breath. He pushed the mahogany locks that had fallen on those eyes away and leaned in to press his lips on Micheal's forehead.

“You should.” He reassured the young man.

“My Mom won't like it very much.” Micheal frowned.

“Sit her down and talk to her. From what I figured you don't talk to her enough. The woman who decorated that apartment surely knows you Micheal. Explain your reasons to her just like you did with me. I'm sure she won't hold it against you.”

“If you say so.”

“I do,” he kissed the top of Micheal's nose.

They fell back into their comfortable silence and let Sinatra's voice wash over them. Ian winced as the song ended and loud beats of a remixed 'Insomnia,' started blaring out, breaking into the quiet.

“Have I ever told you that your taste in music is odd. Who listens to Sinatra next to Faithless?” He asked complaining and wrinkling his nose.

“Obviously I do,” the bastard was laughing at him.

“This is so not relaxing. This is auditory torture.”

Micheal laughed out loud at Ian this time.

“Big words, Mr Randolph,” Micheal reached over him to take his iPod. “Then why don't you play me some music. We need to make use of that guitar.”

“Should we now?” He snatched the iPod from Micheal's fingers and replaced it with a kiss. “You've made me your slave, bake me some chocolate cake Ian, kiss me Ian, play me some music Ian.” He mimicked. “You will have me in a collar and chains before we know it.”

“That can be arranged if you like.”

He cringed at the evil gleam in Micheal's eyes when he realized what he had just said.

“Thank you, but no thank you.” He told Micheal, making a face that sent Micheal into a peal of laughter.

Ian scrolled through Micheal's play list. Micheal did have the oddest taste in music and he pulled faces at half of the tracks in the list. Though Ian didn't indulge in music much recently, he had learned to play when he was younger and kept it up to his late teen years. From the very first day of their relationship Micheal had made him play and sing for him all the time. Even though he pretended to dislike his insistence, he loved seeing the smile his music brought to Micheal's lips. Now he wanted to pick something from Micheal's play list since he was so attached to this particular play list.

His fingers froze over one. He hadn't given a much thought to that song recently, or since the first time he heard the song. But now it seemed like the most appropriate song for the moment. He wasn't ready to admit out loud his feelings for Micheal, not just yet. Most probably Micheal would never know how he felt about him if he had his way. This is the closest he would ever get to expressing his thoughts without getting Micheal worked up. He reached for his guitar as he sat up and patted the spot between his legs for Micheal to sit.

“This is so corny,” Micheal complained even as he relaxed against Ian's chest.

“And you like it.” Ian kissed the side of his temple and wrapped his arms around the young man so he could hold the guitar in front of Micheal.

Unlike in a 'rom com' movie, he had known that he was looking for something or specifically someone when he tumbled across Micheal at the party. Though he would deny his need for someone to share his life with, chase the loneliness, he knew that his heart was tired of his empty life and empty apartment. Nights filled with mere sex hadn't been enough for a while. Micheal had found that excitement he had always been missing the moment he stared up at Ian with those large, expressive blue eyes. He was insistent, headstrong, and hell bent on getting what he wanted. When Ian had accidentally let it slip that he was interested in him, he simply took matters into his own hands and pressed the issue till Ian's carefully constructed walls crumbled.

Now he hoped, no he prayed, to any and every divinity to let Micheal stay as insistent as he has always had been once this come to an end. He didn't want to let Micheal go. His heart had already latched itself onto Micheal and probably would eat at him once things went south. He hoped everything he wanted to tell Micheal would be clear in his music as he started singing.

"I wanna sleep next to you
But that's all I wanna do right now
And I wanna come home to you
But home is just a room full of my safest sounds"

He did love going home to Micheal. It felt right. He had never thought of his apartment like that till he started spending his days and nights with Micheal. It had always been just 'his place', nothing more.

"Cause you know that I can't trust myself with my 3AM shadow
I'd rather fuel a fantasy than deal with this alone"

He was doing just that. He was living in the perfect fantasy which would hurt them both beyond repair once it broke.

"I wanna sleep next to you
But that's all I wanna do right now
So come over now and talk me down"

Ian dearly wished that Micheal would care for him enough to talk him down from his high horse when things do fall apart.

"I wanna hold hands with you
But that's all I wanna do right now
And I wanna get close to you
Cause your hands and lips still know their way around
And I know I like to draw that line, when it starts to get too real
But the less time that I spend with you, the less you need to heal"

Holding Micheal close like this, he felt that his life couldn't be more complete. He had never let a man, or a woman in that case, get close enough to know their way around him. Funny thing was that he hadn't even realized it when Micheal walked past all his protective barriers, bringing down his defenses. He knew if he really loved Micheal he should end this soon before he damaged this precious young man in such a way that he would forever be broken. But his heart was stubborn and selfish. Now he had allowed it to love somebody till it hurt, he wanted to hold that close as for long as he could.

"So if you don't mind, I'll walk that line
Stuck on the bridge between us
Gray areas and expectations
But I'm not the one if we're honest, yeah
But I wanna sleep next to you
And I wanna come home to you
I wanna hold hands with you
I wanna be close to you"

The rational and ethical side of his heart wanted Micheal to hear him. Understand the warning in his words. Leave before things got too complicated. That side wanted Micheal to decide that Ian wasn't the one for him. The selfish, irrational side wanted Micheal to not care. It wanted Micheal to throw caution to the wind and hold on to what they had and never let go. It was screaming, trying to drown the rational voice, pleading with Micheal to let him be the one. As much as he wanted to, he knew that he was not going to cross over to that side and give himself over to Micheal. He just couldn't.

Micheal was 'the one.' But that knowledge was his burden to carry. He had to do right by Alexei, he knew it. But when Micheal leaves, he was going to take a huge part of Ian's heart with him, leaving a gaping hole.

"But I wanna sleep next to you
And that's all I wanna do right now
And I wanna come home to you
But home is just a room full of my safest sounds
So come over now and talk me down
talk me down"

He sighed at his pathetic predicament as he played the last notes. Micheal wriggled around to look him in the eyes. Those large eyes were full of the emotion he now finally, desperately, wanted to name 'love.' Micheal reached up and kissed his cheek just below his eye, catching a tear he didn't even realize had escaped. 'Way to go Ian,' he chastised himself.

“You are the one whether you want to be or not. That's not going to change because of anything you say. It's too late to scare me away Ian. I have fallen head over heels in love with you.”

The fingers that wound into the hair at the back of his head pulled him down. Micheal's mouth swept his with a kiss that burned its way into his heart and had him melting into Micheal's warmth. Micheal was taking the lead, coaxing his tongue out and exploring his mouth with such urgency that it made him wish that they were in their bedroom. Micheal broke the kiss, gasping, before it got too heated for an open public place.

“I... Micheal...” he tried to find a way to keep the things in his heart to himself.

Micheal reached up for another chaste kiss, silencing him.

“I know. I'll keep it a secret. I promise. Just don't say it till you are ready to tell me. But I want you to remember that I love you.”

Ian pulled him to his chest, hugging Micheal so tight that it must have hurt. But Micheal just returned it, squeezing around his waist, and his heart felt full to the brim with warm, fuzzy emotions, and it soared to hear Micheal murmur those words.

For the first time in his life he wished he could find a way to have Alexei fit into their lives.

Reviews please. 
The song I used is "Talk Me Down" by Troye Sivan.
Love you all