errorlog.txt - 4. liam.ILU

[root@localhost] read 'N-009 - Liam.transc'

***

Audio... running. Coast is... clear. Audio log, zero-zero-nine.

Three months.

I'd been so caught up on this project of mine, and now it's been three months since Liam went to boot camp. I honestly don't know how but his father thought it was best to give me an extra number he got. I knew I had a way to use it; I think he did, too. Liam must have told him.

It just felt too short. Now things feel like they drag on without him. Hm, pathetic right? I should be able to function with or without him but it just doesn't feel too much that way. But I'm determined to leave this place.

It's been three months since my last log so I'm going to go over some things real quick.

I've accepted the fact that I love them, still, despite this mess. I just hate all of this that they've done. They've taken care of me this long under a false notion, though, so I'm going to say something that will probably not sit well with you.

I'm coming out to them.

Not right away, no. But I think it needs to be done. I think they deserve at least, that.

Now don't panic. Looking back, everything up until now is an estimation, an approximation. Guess work. Speculation. Maybe the reality will be different. Maybe not. Maybe they at least won't kill me and let me walk away with a bag. I'll just plan everything; stash my things close to the front door and bolt when it gets worse.

I was raised enough with 'love' and I would know that we will argue over the Bible a lot. I still believe. I believe in His power, but to a fraction, we will always remain the same, and this element, this 'homosexuality' is something we've tried and failed to erase. People never really know how many times I've tried to pray and fast and hope that this would leave me.

So I swear, if they tell me that I just have to pray hard enough, I will walk out the fucking gate. I invoked God himself but nothing. I am still this person. DO I refuse to let this go? Perhaps, I do. Because maybe I refuse to this 'absolute surrender'. I want to define myself as me. Maybe that was how God intended, maybe not. But I'd like to believe this is my destiny.

I'm honestly scared, but I'm tired.

I want to sleep in peace. I want to bring people to my home and just relax and be myself without being judged so horribly.

I don't want to be called a faggot just because I ask hugs from everybody in a general sense.

I want to be friends with guys and girls and still fall in love with guys without being psychoanalyzed for something sinful.

I don't want to fear the window on my wall.

I want my peace. I want space to be me.

I don't have that here.



...Liam. If you're listening to this, if you're reading any of my transcripts, I'm doing this, regardless. I don't know when you'll read this, but when you do, I don't know what happens yet. And I won't come out just yet. I'm still planning. But if you read this, know that I'll contact you if I'm just gone.

Like seriously, I have your email. I could search your name in my recent contacts list. But I also have a master list of contacts saved online in case I must flee and leave everything behind. Which is a shame because I had great instructors who left me copies of wonderful books. Actually, I should make digital copies now to re-print and come back to.

Sorry, sidetracking.

...Liam. I know I barely say it, and I know I'm like the lousiest cuddle-pillow ever, but I miss you. I love you. I'll say them when I try to call again, don't worry, but in case you missed it, I'll always have a heart for you.

So before you fuck someone else, at least let me know first. I'm sure they're a nice person. Fuck, if you end up deciding to share me, I just need some convincing.

Ugh, sorry, side-tracked again. But you get the point.


Hehe, yeah. Just, well, I'll keep in touch.

And, if this is anyone else, please, like, don't cyberstalk Liam. He's a nice guy. Impulsive, but nice. And, uh, I really hope I'm okay when you find this.

I can't foresee whatever this outcome is, but I know regardless, there will be yelling, and fighting.

...It's getting late. I better get home. Signing out.

*** [END OF FILE] ***

[root@localhost] read 'N-010 - Prophet.transc'

***

I had a dream.

I was in a dim, cold place. But there were small-enough slits of light coming through whatever ceiling was above me for me to make out my hands. They felt off, though. They looked shorter than they should be.

Footsteps thundered above my head. A loud bang shot me awake.

I woke up way too early so I decided to make a floor plan.

Our gate locks from the inside so leaving there should be a cinch. THe problem was the layout. Living room would be the battlefield. I'd need to keep myself close to the door, but no doubt they'll sit me down for the talk. The living room was connected to the kitchen, where the knives are. That katana, a relic Grandma owned from World War 2, was just hanging around the living room, next to the TV.

Windows are barred. Sofas don't block the way out but cause a face-to-face closer to the TV and the katana.

Narrow staircase to ground floor and exit. Makes planting my backpack of materials hard but will make escape easier by constricting pursuers.

The gun is in the master bedroom, 3rd floor. Do I try to hide it? No, they'd know.

I don't know what to do about that.

I can try to defend myself, but not against that.

I have a list of possible contact persons. Coby helped me gather them. Three gay people, some of my friends. I could stay a while but not forever.

I have my birth certificate and my passport tucked away. You know, I never really got a valid ID aside from that. I'm pretty much a child, nearly undocumented, here. I'm twenty-three fucking years old, for God's sake.

I have new bank accounts. No doubt they'll hold my bank account hostage.

I don't have answers to all arguments yet. They'll use emotional debt, no doubt. Social incest, my professor would say.

I just need to compile my books, my sketchbooks, organize and clean up what I'll need, maybe scan what I can't bring and save online.

I'm doing this, I'm really doing this.

I'll do one last log before it happens. Until then, planning. Lots of planning and preparing.

I'll call Liam tomorrow afternoon. He seems well. I haven't told him about all this.

I'm coordinating with some of his friends, having thems tash some of my things separately. I have a list online.

Well, signing out. I'm too jittery. My hands are trembling, My blood is running cold.

But I won't be swayed. I need to stand up for myself.

Well, mom and dad always said to man up.

This is me manning up.

I have the strangest feeling, though. ...I know how this ends.

*** [END OF FILE] ***

File 'watchlist.txt' recovered.
File 'call_liam57.log' recovered.

[root@localhost] read 'watchlist.txt'

***

Book Box A - Dennis
Book Box B - Logan
Sketchpads - Felicia
Laptop and Mic - Kim
MedRecords - Jones
Vital Documents - Jones
Ideas Notebook - Jones
Money and Cards - Felicia
Passcode List - Felicia

*** [END OF FILE] ***

[root@localhost] read 'call_liam57.log'

***

LIAM: Ellie, babe?

NOEL: Liam, hey! I didn't expect you to call me. It's usually the other way around.

LIAM: Are you sure about this?

NOEL: Hm? Sure about what?

LIAM: Coming out to your family. Are you sure?

NOEL: Ah... who told you?

LIAM: Dennis, Logan, Jones... Fuck, even Felicia, and she hates me! Noel, what are you thinking?!

NOEL: Liam, I can explain.

LIAM: No, this is... It isn't safe! I thought you were in perpetual danger!

NOEL: Liam, listen. I'm trying to give them the benefit of the doubt, it'll be fine.

LIAM: That benefit of the doubt will UNDOUBTEDLY kill you!

NOEL: ...I have brothers, Liam. Younger ones, not just the older one. I... they deserve to know.

LIAM: ...Ellie, every day I think about this place you live in, I worry about you. Every day at camp, I keep seeing you either injured by them. Noel, please, think this over. It doesn't have to be now, does it? It can wait, can't it?

NOEL: I have to come out, Liam. Didn't you feel the same way? Your family embraced you, welcomed you, told you they were their son. I... want to give them that chance. They deserve that, at least, for feeding my mouth for over eighteen years.

LIAM: Noel...

NOEL: I can't NOT come out to them. With every day, it's eating me. I love them, I just fear myself and what they believe. But if I keep silent, they'll keep this up. And I'll keep hurting myself being a silent watcher. I don't approve. I don't agree. That silence is suffocating. No one else will speak. I have to do it.

LIAM: Don't be a fucking martyr over this!

NOEL: THIS ENTIRE OPERATION IS BUILT OVER MY SELFISHNESS, LIAM, LET'S MAKE THAT CLEAR NOW!

LIAM: ...

NOEL: ...

NOEL: ...Sorry, that was more aggressive than my usual passive-aggressive schtick.

LIAM: I think I'm more stunned by you calling this selfish.

NOEL: I steal your fries when we date.

LIAM: You sing me Frank Sinatra parodies.

NOEL: What Frank Sinatra? That's my regular singing voice! Are... Are you laughing? ...Oh my god, I can't believe you, you fucking asshole. I am a hip and modern pop diva. Don't... don't judge my low voice range you asshat. Oh that's... that's just terrible. We're breaking up over the phone. This is the end of our relationship. Over Sinatra. Hashtag-Sinatra-Killed-It.

LIAM: Ahahaha, wait, we aren't done...

NOEL: I imagined we did. Jerk.

LIAM: Punk. But... listen. Before you tell your family, call someone. Make them listen in. If something happens, just keep the line open. Call for help if you have to. Just... I want you to be prepared for this.

NOEL: I don't think there is a single way to prepare for this.

LIAM: ...You're right.

NOEL: ...

LIAM: ...Hey. I love you. Even if we end up breaking up for some stupid reason, I'll always love you.

NOEL: I love you. This could be my last chance but... yeah.

LIAM: When are you planning to come out?

NOEL: Either graduation day or the next. Once everything is set, anyway.

LIAM: Yeesh, way to time it.

NOEL: I know. Bittersweet, though, ain't it? ...Liam? I'm scared.

LIAM: Me, too, Noel. Me, too. I'm a call away, though. So is the rest of my family.

NOEL: Thanks for that.

LIAM: ...

NOEL: I better go. Stuff to do. I'm sure you do, too.

LIAM: I'll see youa round, then.

NOEL: See you around.

*** [END OF FILE] ***

Executable program 'liam.ILU' recovered.

[root@localhost] run 'liam.ILU'

Running liam.ILU

Compiling encrypted sound files...
Compile complete. File saved as '/liam/DearLiam.mp3'
Compiling encrypted transcription files...
Compile complete. File 'DearLiam.transc' saved to '/liam/'

Opening file...

***

God, I've never done this shit before in my life.

It's the night before graduation day. I might as well say this now while I still can.

Everything is ready. I don't know if I'm ready, but it's now or never.

I'm scared, I'm to the very fiber of my being.

Liam, if you're hearing this, I just want to let you know that I love you. Every day. I don't know how this will turn out but I want you to know how much you mean to me.

You were the one who taught me how okay it was to be myself, how I could be different from other people and be fine with it. And if anything happens to me, I don't want you to blame yourself.

Because I'll be free. One way or the other, I'll be free. These bonds won't hold me, and I'll fly my way back to you, one way or another.

I'm scared, but that first step is always scary. In such a closely-knit family, it's hard to pull away, but I think I can. I can, now, because I trust, because I doubt, because I fear, because I brave and because I am. I am Me. I can't be afraid anymore.

I fear for my brothers, I fear for my family, but whatever happens, I'm as ready as I'll ever be. I never wanted to drop it on them like a bomb but they've been nipping me in the bud for ages. Perhaps, it's time I went into full bloom.

Okay, that sounded gross but you get the point.


I love you. My heart will always be with you. Whether you still love me, or someone else, all I'll wish for is your happiness.

So for now, goodbye. Hopefully, this is not the last time.

Tomorrow's a big day. A Graduation, in more than one sense of the word.

Wish me luck.


Hugs and Kisses from your dear friend,

Noel Ellis Rosche

*** [END OF FILE] ***
Ending 'liam.ILU'

Running method find_him()...

Connecting...
New file 'Tell-Tale Heart.txt' generated.

Function 'talk' restored.

[root@localhost] _