My Chaotic Life - 5. I Devise My Own Demise

Innocent Meeting

I remember that first day we met
I was sitting on the porch
A cigarette dangling from my lips
A Foster in my left hand

You were there with your friend
An attractive female
I remember thinking to myself
If you were there with her what a waste

You were the silent one as she spoke
As she inquired about the room
The one that was for rent in my house
I nodded I only had eyes for you

You made my pulse quicken
My thoughts scattered like the wind
Your gaze, intense, emerald and bold
An instant connection we shared

I sent her inside to speak to the landlady
You opted to remain outside with me
You asked for a cigarette
Though you always claimed you didn’t smoke

A small white wicker bench
You sat down beside me cigarette in hand
Our legs touched
ELECTRIC

As we talked and smoked in the shade
I became fascinated by your lips
Or perhaps your entire mouth
ELECTRIC

It didn’t matter what you said
Because each time you laughed
A sound so infectious it drew me in
You drew me in with fits of giggles

It was instant between us
For half an hour we sat on that bench
Comfortable
Like two old friends chatting

Yet all too soon, it was time for you to go
You lived in Pittsburg
I lived in Harrisburg
So I bid you a wistful goodbye

As I watched you walk away from me
I felt such sadness from a random encounter
How pathetic I was sitting there
Staring as you walked away

Hoping you would look back, anything
Some kind of glimmer of hope
But you walked away, and I didn’t get a number
I only knew your name, John

I had thought I’d never see you again
I was wrong
For better or worse
You returned the following weekend

She never moved into that empty room
You did
And just as before
It was electric

ELECTRIC GARDEN

It’s a rainy evening and I feel so fine
Because you’re in my heart and inside my mind
I think I’m falling, into love with you
Kiss and flirt a little, I know you felt it too

In the moonlight as the rain it falls
We can last forever tear down these walls
Do not question it, just go with the flow
In my electric garden, reap the things we sow

Heartbeats pounding faster as we embrace
Our bodies shift in motion, I like the way we taste
I know the way you feel, much like being high
Painted orange and red, into a unknown sky

I’ve got this burning feeling, no false alarm
It’s the reason why, I’m wrapped in your arms
When the sun is shining, there is no more rain
I become another person, no more pain

In my bed of roses rest your head awhile
I’ll kiss you so deeply, get lost in your smile
Every waking moment is like a dream come true
I want to spend my life getting off with you

I’ve got this burning feeling this is no false alarm
I’m content beside you wrapped up in your arms
And when the sun is shining there is no more rain
I’m a brand new person happiness instead of pain

In my bed of roses rest your head awhile
I’ll kiss you so sweetly get lost in your smile
Every waking moment is like a dream come true
I want to spend my life getting off with you

LUST FILLED CALM

It’s like I temporarily lost my mind
It’s true what they say infatuation is a crime
Truth never entered into our conversation
Sex was the prize and intended manipulation

We would talk always late into the night
Vodka and cigarettes under moonlight
You were the beginning of love I can’t escape
Your eyes the first step, the pathway to hate.

Drama surrounds us as we chase the extremes
Loving you was like love a dream
Even though inside your embrace I felt warm
You were the definition of calm before the storm

DROWNING IN REALITY

Maybe it was the madness that we let reign
Maybe it was the innocence I taste when you came
Maybe it was the feeling sucked down the drain
Maybe it was the heartache of love quite insane

Maybe it was the ocean that gave me these tears
Maybe it was the moonlight so dark and so near
Maybe it was the sunshine that stripped all my gears
Maybe it was the lust that banished all fears

Maybe it was the highs that together we achieve
Maybe it was the mountains resting on your sleeve
Maybe it was the promise that you’d never leave
Maybe it was the connection we had as you grieved

Maybe it was the motion of standing in this place
Maybe it was the refusal to grant emotional space
Maybe it was the past neither of us could erase
Maybe it was the hoping to let love replace

Maybe it was the fear of us saying goodbye
Maybe it was the destructive gleam in your eye
Maybe it was the sameness I heard in our lies
Maybe it was the tears that fell as we cry

TRAGIC ENDING

Violently he grabbed my arms
And twisted them tightly behind my back
With a selfish look in his emerald eyes
He clenched up his fist and brutally attacked

Finger laced with a ring he beat me hard
On my shoulders down to my feet
The metal band sliced right through my pale skin
Much like razors through a sheet

Countless times my blood splattered
As each inhuman blow was given
From the memory of lies we told
He snarled as my face was bashed to ribbons

Much to my surprise I lifted up my chin
I wanted to say something and inside I knew
It wouldn’t be smart the words I said
When I shouted out, fuck you

Without a pause he pushed me against the wall
I slipped to my knees and he kicked my weakened form
As my blood pressure fell dangerously low
I maintained some hope as I heard the sirens swarm

With determination and fierce rage inside
He opened his fist and slapped
I barely maintain my consciousness
And I slipped down onto my back

Through days without sleep and inebriation
It was a race against time I could tell
And with my loss of blood
I suddenly realized I had made my own hell

When I fell some blood splattered
On the boy and on his shoe
He bent to wipe it off
And I spat out, fuck you

In his rage he spat in my face
And grabbed my roughly by the arms
He kicked open the door and threw me out
It was a small chance when I heard the alarm

I laid there in agony and bitter regret
Every other moment I convulsed in pain
I tilted my face up towards the stars
Even as I began slipping into the insane

But a moment of clarity saved me on the brink
This was the price of a love so intense
I gathered my strength and opened my mouth
We he realized I would still fight he looked on with a wince

I lifted my head and peered right into his eyes
He heard the police arrive and it was over he knew
But I needed him to remember what I said
When I whispered, John, fuck you