A rose by any other name - 1. Road not taken

“Sorry about last night, babe. See you at home tonight.”

Ethan stared at his phone and sighed. Last night had been one of their worst yet. So many harsh and hurtful words spoken, their aim to hit the sore spots they both knew so well after three years together. Looking back, Ethan could hardly remember what set them off. Probably the usual, his out of control jealousy that had flared in the last six months. He knew it wasn’t fair to Darren, but he hadn’t been able to shake the feeling something was going on. Darren denied it over and over again, as usual. Then they went over the deep end and things turned ugly. Mostly Darren, with his vicious jabs that knew exactly how to find Ethan’s insecurities. Being the older, out of shape, nerdy IT-guy bagging the personal trainer ten years his junior did nothing to reduce his fears. Ethan had finally fled to the bedroom, while Darren slept on the couch. His boyfriend had been gone in the morning for an early appointment with a client, leaving Ethan to have breakfast in the depressing company of his guilt.

Passing by a flower shop, Ethan stopped. Maybe buying some flowers would ease his conscience? Smooth things over and give them time to start fresh? Since the gnawing feeling wouldn’t give him any rest, he found it hard to be the one to reach out and ask forgiveness. Although, technically Darren had already said he was sorry. Only via text, but still.

He reached out for the handle, but the feeling of something being wrong flared again, making him retract his hand. Anger rose inside him, but he pushed it back down. It was an irrational emotion, and he had no evidence of foul play.

As he rode the subway home, the thoughts went around and around in his head. Darren was right. It was all in his head. It had to be. Darren wouldn’t cheat. They lived a nice life together, with frequent trips, both exploring local venues and enjoying international travel. When he had treated Darren to a trip to Paris last year, it had been the most romantic time. It was slightly annoying to have Darren already hinting more frequently about a new trip, but he couldn’t blame his man for wanting to relive those days in Paris. Tokyo was probably an amazing place, but the tickets and hotel were so expensive. Maybe a getaway closer to home was the way to go? But would Darren be satisfied with that? Of course he would. They would have uninterrupted time together and that was all that mattered. He just needed to learn how to keep his mouth shut about all his insecurities and stop seeing ghosts that didn’t exist.

Walking in through the door of their apartment, he heard noises from the bedroom.

“Hey, Darren? I’m home.”

Darren stepped out of the bedroom, a towel over his head and lazily drying his hair.

“Hey…”

“Did you just take a shower? I thought you only had one client today, the early one?”

“Yeah, that’s right. No more appointments until tomorrow. It’s that new client, the doctor named Leo, remember? He’s putting a lot of effort into getting healthy. Impressive, really. I just felt grimy.” Darren shrugged as he leaned in to give Ethan a kiss. On reflex, Ethan kissed back, even though he still felt they should resolve their issues from last night. The jab about the client Leo changing his lifestyle didn’t slip by unnoticed. Ethan knew he had been gaining weight lately, working all hours, which left no time for working out. It added to the sting from hearing the admiration in Darren’s voice.

Deciding a continued discussion could wait, Ethan headed into the bedroom to change out of his work clothes. He stopped and looked at the bed. It had been stripped. He looked at Darren.

“I’m doing some laundry.” Darren’s voice was muffled by the towel over his head.

“But I changed the sheets two days ago.”

“You did?” The look of surprise on Darren’s face as he peeked from under the towel was comical. Or would have been if it weren’t for those voices at the back of his mind. Something isn’t right, something isn’t right…

Ethan sighed and shook his head, intent on blocking the nagging voices.

“Doesn’t matter.” He slipped into his sweatpants and a fresh t-shirt. Tonight, he wouldn’t give in to the demons in his head. No more fighting.

Darren came in close and slipped his arms around Ethan’s waist. A gentle nibble on Ethan’s earlobe made shivers go down his spine. He leaned back into the embrace, only to have Darren step around him. Standing face to face, Darren grabbed his hands.

“I meant what I said. Sorry about last night. You know I didn’t mean what I said. You’re not old and boring. I like your body just fine. I just get so angry that you would suspect me playing around behind your back.” Utilizing his most pleading puppy eyes, Darren did his best to sway Ethan’s mood in his favor. It was rather transparent, but Ethan decided he’d had enough of fighting.

“Let’s not talk about that now.” Ethan kissed Darren. “Remember that trip we were talking about last week? I was thinking we could do something different and less… well, less time consuming.” Ethan regarded Darren carefully, gauging his reaction. It was a little fib, but what was the harm? “How about we go to Vermont? A relaxing BnB? Long walks and relaxing nights? Just the two of us.”

“Vermont…?” As suspected, Darren wrinkled his forehead. “But we were talking about Tokyo.”

“I know. It’s just business has been sort of slow lately and a trip to Tokyo would take a lot of time, time I could spend looking for new clients.” Steeling himself, Ethan looked Darren in the eyes. “It’s very expensive too.”

“But Vermont? Anyone can go there. I want to go to Japan!” Darren sulked. “You promised me Japan. I don’t think you should break a promise.”

Ethan sighed. He did promise a trip to Tokyo. Maybe he could get a small loan from his business partner to cover him until he could get his business up and running smoothly again.