Nemesis: Loud Like Love - 8. Chapter Eight: Special K

CHAPTER EIGHT

Special K

Nick was drunk, and he was high. He felt like the world was spinning around him, but that was okay, because Adolescent Pushback were up on stage, playing awesome music, and Brian looked really hot with his bass. All Nick could think about was after, getting him home and into bed. In the meantime, he danced. People were watching him. He didn’t care.

Afterwards, he sought out Brian by the stairs to the stage and gave him a big, wet kiss. ‘That was amazing,’ he slurred. ‘You guys are so awesome!’ He looked around at the other members of the band, grinning. ‘I love you guys!’

‘What’s with the groupie?’ said Cameron gruffly.

‘Mate, that’s the kid whose band warmed up for us at the Actress and Bishop back in March,’ said Dom. ‘You know, the one with the crazy awesome voice?’

Cameron squinted at Nick. ‘Oh, yeah. You. You were pretty good.’

‘Thank you!’ Nick let go of Brian and kissed Cameron on the cheek. ‘That’s so nice!’

Dom laughed. ‘You’re barking up the wrong tree there, kiddo, Cameron’s the straightest guy I’ve ever known.’

‘Fuck off, Dom,’ said Cameron.

‘So, you guys wanna come to mine to party again?’ said Ste, putting his vintage Stratocaster in its case. Normally, Nick would have fawned over that guitar, maybe even begged to be allowed to play it, but he was too drunk and horny to care.

‘No,’ he said decisively. ‘I need Brian to take me home and fuck me stupid.’

Dom and Ste broke out in laughter, while Cameron rolled his eyes. Brian grinned. ‘You heard the man. You guys have fun, though.’ He turned to Nick and gave him a kiss. ‘Just need to finish packing down, okay? Then I’m all yours.’

‘I should . . . should I help?’ Nick stumbled over his words a bit.

‘Probably better if you just chill over here,’ said Ste.

‘Yeah,’ said Brian, ruffling Nick’s hair. ‘I’ll get you a drink, and you can just relax. Then I’ll take you home, all right?’

Nick nodded. ‘Okay.’

* * *

Sunday was spent in bed. Nick started the day with a shot of vodka, hair of the dog to combat the raging hangover he otherwise felt coming on. After a morning consisting almost entirely of sex, he sent a text to Matt. Staying in Birmingham a couple more days, can’t make rehearsal Tuesday. Sorry. x

Matt rang him a couple of hours later. ‘You at Brian’s?’

‘Well, yeah. Where else would I be?’

‘You sound drunk. Are you drunk?’

‘So what if I am?’ said Nick defensively. ‘None of your business, anyway.’

There was a pause. Then Matt said, ‘Nick, are you okay? This isn’t like you.’

‘What, having fun?’

‘Being piss drunk at three o’clock on a Sunday! What’s going on with you?’

Nick scoffed. ‘If I’m getting well and truly fucked by life, I may as well enjoy some actual fucking. I might as well do stuff to make myself feel good. I’m happy!’

‘If you were happy, you wouldn’t be spending your Sunday wasted in bed with Brian!’ said Matt hotly, his voice louder than before. ‘Jesus, Nick, what’s wrong with you?’

‘Fuck you!’ said Nick hotly. Then he hung up and switched off his phone.

‘What’s up?’ asked Brian, coming into the room with a half bottle of Famous Grouse, and a plate of mac & cheese with two forks in it.

‘Matt, trying to micromanage my life. Apparently he’s worried about me. Fuck him, I can take care of myself.’ Nick buried his face in the pillow. ‘Fucking Matt fucking trying to fucking I don’t even know . . .’

Brian chuckled and sat down. ‘He cares about you, cut him some slack. Lots of people care about you, you know.’

‘I don’t care.’ Nick paused and lifted his head from the pillow. ‘Do you care about me?’

Brian stroked his hair. ‘Of course I do. If I thought anything would come of it, I’d let myself fall in love with you. But that wouldn’t do much good, would it?’

Nick sighed. He would have liked falling in love with Brian, just a little bit, but that wasn’t happening. ‘No, it wouldn’t. I care about you, too, though.’ He frowned. ‘Yesterday you told Zoë you loved me.’

Brian shrugged. ‘I guess I do, in a way. I mean, I care about you, I want you to be happy, I like taking care of you, and I definitely like fucking you, so . . . That’s a kind of love, isn’t it?’

Nick closed his eyes, and saw Dave and his date, the way they had kissed and groped each other, and he knew that there was only one person in the world that he had ever really loved, in the true, romantic sense.

‘Can you give me something?’ he murmured. ‘Something to take the edge off? I . . . I want to forget.’

Now Brian frowned. ‘You sure? You’re fairly wasted already.’

‘Please? I just need something. Don’t think pot will do it.’

Brian nodded. ‘Okay, I think I have something.’ He rummaged through his drawer and pulled out another ziplock bag, with white pills inside. ‘Ketamine,’ he said. ‘Just a little bit helps you relax, gets you out of your head and your body for a while. That sound like what you need?’

Nick nodded. ‘That would work.’

* * *

Monday afternoon there came a knock on the front door. Dom was at work, so Brian went to open it. Nick heard familiar sounding voices from where he lay naked on his stomach on Brian’s bed in his darkened bedroom, but couldn’t make out what they were saying. A minute later, however, the bedroom door opened, and he squinted at the light from the sitting room. Matt was standing in the doorway, and behind him stood Stuart.

‘Oh . . . hey, you guys,’ Nick slurred. He couldn’t understand what they were doing there, and wondered for a moment if he was hallucinating. At the moment, he just wanted to sleep.

‘Fuck me . . .’ Matt was staring, and Nick closed his eyes, to hide Matt’s incredulous expression. He heard Matt’s voice. ‘What the fuck do you think you’re doing, Brian? What the hell have you been giving him?’ Brian said something, but Nick couldn’t make it out. ‘This has got to stop. Don’t you see what you’re doing to him? Fuck!’

Someone sat down at the edge of the bed, and Nick cracked open his eyes again. It was Stuart, who sat peering at him. He brushed the hair out of Nick’s eyes. ‘We should take him to my place. My parents are pretty naïve, they’ll believe me if I just tell them he’s sick and no one’s home at his place.’

‘Okay,’ said Matt. ‘Let’s get him dressed. If we can even find his clothes in this mess . . .’

Nick pushed himself up off the bed into a sitting position. He might normally have been embarrassed about his nakedness, but he was too out of it to care just then. ‘Whass going on? I don’ wanna go anywhere, wanna stay with Brian.’

‘See? He wants to stay.’ Brian sounded defensive, less cool than he normally did.

Matt scoffed. ‘He doesn’t know what he wants, he’s in no state to make an informed decision about anything right now. So just help us find his stuff and take him home. Please, Brian. If you care about him at all, you have to see that this isn’t good for him.’

A pause. Then Brian spoke. ‘Okay. Fine.’ Nick watched through bleary eyes as Brian approached him and took Stuart’s place next to him. He kissed Nick’s forehead. ‘Come on, babe. Time to go home. You can come back some other time, okay?’

Nick leaned into him and nodded against his hairy chest.

His clothes were found, and they helped him get dressed, and Brian kissed him and told him to be good, and then Matt all but carried him down the stairs, while Stuart carried his bag.

The next thing Nick knew, he was in a bed, vomiting into a bucket while someone stroked his hair away from his sweaty brow. And then sunlight was streaming in through a window, and Matt was snoozing next to him in the bed. He awoke when Nick stirred, and sat up.

Nick tried to sit up a bit, too, and was hit with the worst headache he had ever experienced. ‘Ow. Fuck . . . Where am I?’

Matt put his arms around him and hugged him. ‘You stupid fucking cunt,’ he murmured. ‘You don’t remember anything?’

Nick thought. ‘I remember being at Brian’s . . .’

‘Yeah, drunk and high on I don’t even know what. Stuart and I picked you up. You’re at his place. You’ve been out for a good fourteen hours.’ Matt let go of him, and then he punched his arm, hard. ‘Fuck you, Nick! What is wrong with you? Why the hell are you doing drugs?’

Nick closed his eyes, trying to ignore the pounding behind his temples. ‘Not like you’ve never done it . . .’ He glanced at Matt again, who looked livid.

‘Nick, I smoke weed sometimes. I don’t get hopped up on party drugs! I’ve tried coke, like, once!’ Matt ran a hand through his long hair and gave a frustrated sigh. ‘What did you even take?’

‘MDMA Friday night . . . Ketamine Sunday and—Is it Tuesday now?—yesterday. And a whole lot of booze like, all the days . . .’ Nick let out a shaky breath. ‘I saw Dave, at the gay club we were at on Friday. With his new boyfriend.’ He shut his eyes tight, feeling a panic attack coming on.

‘I know,’ said Matt. ‘He told me. Told me you kissed him, too. He’s worried about you. We all are, Nick.’

Nick curled up on his side, facing away from Matt, trying to stop the sobs threatening to come forth. ‘Please, don’t tell Zoë,’ he whispered, and then he did start to cry.

Matt lay down behind him, putting his arms around him. ‘Shh, it’s okay. I won’t. I just . . . Nick, please don’t do that again. You’re hurting yourself. I mean, is a few moments of chemical happiness worth all this?’

‘I don’t know!’ Nick sobbed. ‘I don’t know . . .’

The door opened, and Stuart stepped inside, closing it behind him. ‘Hey, you’re awake,’ he said softly. He came over and sat down on the bed, smoothing back Nick’s hair. ‘You really fucking scared us, you know.’

It felt strange, Stuart showing this level of physical affection. He was the polar opposite of Matt. Where Matt acted on emotions, passion, and instinct, Stuart was calculated, cool, logical. Where Matt was physical, contact seeking, Stuart would rather not touch or be touched at all. Yet, in just a couple of weeks that he had touched Nick on purpose several times. Nick curled up tighter. He felt overwhelmed, exhausted. He’d stopped crying, but was still shivering a bit.

‘We should get going, Matt,’ said Stuart after a little while. ‘Lessons’ll be starting soon. You should stay here, Nick. Get some rest.’

‘I’m not going anywhere,’ said Matt. ‘I can’t leave him like this.’

Stuart pursed his lips, looking thoughtful. ‘Okay. I’ll stay too, then.’

The presence of his two best friends calmed him, and Nick fell asleep again almost immediately.

* * *

When Nick got home Tuesday evening, he knew Richard could tell something was off. He brushed him off when he asked, though, telling him that he wasn’t feeling well and just wanted to go to bed. In truth, he was shaking, and part of him felt like he was going to die. After Richard had gone to bed, he once again went to the park to smoke a joint. It made him feel better, calmer. He didn’t have much weed left, and wondered if he ought to get some more, though he had no idea where to even start. Maybe he could ask Matt, though after what had happened, he wasn’t sure Matt would even want to help him, even if it was only pot.

He called in sick to work on Wednesday, and spent the day in bed. It was easy to feign illness, as he wasn’t really faking at all. He had never had a two day hangover before. He considered smoking the rest of his weed that night, but thought better of it. He should save it. By the morning, he felt almost back to normal.

Friday night, Nick was getting ready for bed when a text buzzed in on his phone. When he checked it, he was surprised to see that it was from Mel.

I’d like for us to talk. Give us a ring if you have a moment over the weekend?

He only hesitated for a second, before he did just that. It rang twice.

‘Hi, Nick,’ said Mel’s voice as she picked up.

‘Hey.’ Nick hesitated, uncertain about what to even say. ‘You all right? How’s uni?’

‘It’s good, yeah. I mean, coursework is harder than I’m used to, but . . . Not bad.’

‘Good. I mean, I’m glad.’

‘How about you?’

‘All right, you know, considering.’

They were silent for a while, and then Mel spoke again. ‘Hey, listen . . . I miss you. I . . . I’d like for us to be friends again. I’m sorry it’s taken me so long to say that. You’ve been my best friend for years, and it’s not fair of me to punish you for something you didn’t even do to me. Besides . . . I think you’re punishing yourself more harshly than I ever could.’

Nick sighed. ‘I deserve it. What I did . . . I wouldn’t blame you if you could never forgive me for it.’

‘I forgave you a long time ago, Nick. I just . . . wasn’t sure how to talk to you.’ She paused. ‘So, how are you? Really?’

‘Well . . .’ Nick lay back on his bed. ‘Not great, if I’m honest. Things have been . . .’ He sighed. ‘I’ve really fucked up, Mel. Not just with Dave, I mean I’ve fucked up my life. I’ve been—’ He cut himself off. Could he tell Mel about all of this? Could he tell her about Brian and all of what had happened without her hating him again?

As if she had read his mind, Mel said, ‘You can tell me. I promise I won’t judge. I’ve spent enough time doing that. And whatever it is, I promise I won’t go telling Dave about it either.’

Nick wasn’t sure he believed that she wouldn’t judge him, but there was only one way to find out for sure. He took a deep breath.

‘I’ve been spending time with Brian. The guy I . . . you know. I guess maybe you already know that. We’ve been partying and . . . other stuff . . .’ And then it was as if something came loose, and Nick couldn’t have stopped talking if he’d wanted to. ‘Last weekend I went to see him and got really fucked up. Like, properly. Matt and Stuart came to get me, and I was so out of it I couldn’t even . . . They brought me home. I really let things get out of hand.’

Another brief silence followed, before Mel said, ‘I’m sorry. You okay?’

‘Better. I’m not an addict, or anything. I think. I just . . . some nights, I just want to do it all over again. Get wasted. High. Fucked up. I haven’t talked to Brian since. Matt texted him to tell him I wasn’t dead. I’m not gonna . . . I’m ending it. Decided to take a day trip up to Birmingham, next weekend, maybe. Or the one after that . . . I dunno. I feel like I owe him a proper goodbye.’

‘Why?’

‘Because, in his own way, he was just trying to help me and be there for me. He’s never gone through anything like what I’m going through, so . . . He’s reckless and naïve, but he’s not cruel.’ Nick bit his lip. ‘I miss Dave. I still want to be with him so badly I can hardly breathe. I was trying to get past that, using Brian, and that wasn’t fair to him, no matter how bad he is for me.’

‘I see.’ Another pause. ‘Thank you for telling me all this. I’m glad you still feel like you can talk to me. You know, after . . . after everything.’

‘I’ve missed you so fucking much, Mel.’ Nick felt like he might cry again. He’d been doing so much of it lately. It was embarrassing. ‘I’m so glad you wanted to talk to me. It’s been hell without you. I mean, even more hell.’

‘Well, I’m here now. Not going anywhere this time. I promise. You’re my friend, and I love you.’

Now Nick really did cry. ‘Fuck, I feel like such a kid . . . My emotions are all over the place these days, I swear. But, thank you. I love you too.’