Nemesis: Loud Like Love - 20. Chapter Twenty: Ask For Answers

CHAPTER TWENTY

Ask For Answers

Dave awoke snuggled up to Nick’s back. He took a moment to breathe in the scent of his hair. It was light outside. He didn’t want to move, didn’t want to go anywhere, just savour this moment, before he would be forced to think rationally about it all. He kissed the nape of Nick’s neck. Nick stirred, yawned, arched his back, and Dave kissed his neck again, a bit higher up, and then he kissed the skin behind his ear, and his jaw, and bit gently into his throat as Nick rolled over onto his back, before capturing his lips.

Nick moaned softly into his mouth and put his arms around him. They were both naked, and soon they were both hard and eager, and brought each other off slowly, still kissing. It felt good. It felt like it had always felt, before everything. This was how he always wanted to feel.

When it was over, though, that stupid rational part of Dave’s brain decided to intervene. It wasn’t as simple as just letting this keep happening, and getting back together just like that. It just wasn’t. It wasn’t as simple as just being in love and going with it. Not after everything that had happened.

He lay silently in Nick’s arms, and it was as if Nick could hear his mind working, because he said, ‘You know, you don’t have to figure all of this out right now.’

Dave nodded, placing a light kiss on Nick’s chest. He was still virtually hairless, except for his legs and armpits, and the trail of brown fuzz leading from his navel down to his crotch. ‘I know. Doesn’t mean I can stop my brain from thinking about it.’

‘I know.’ Nick combed his fingers through Dave’s hair, and it felt so good and so right. ‘I’m sorry I was so evasive before. On the bus home. You wanted to talk about what happened, and I shut you off. I guess I couldn’t . . . Anyway.’ He kissed the top of Dave’s head. ‘I’m glad it happened. I’m especially glad this happened.’

‘Me too,’ said Dave, and meant it. ‘Being with you like this again . . .’ He sighed. ‘I’ve tried so hard not to want it. You know?’

‘Yeah. Me too. I’ve wanted this so much I could hardly stand it.’

Dave propped himself up on his elbow, and kissed Nick again, savouring even the taste of his morning breath, which nevertheless was so sweet and familiar. ‘We really need to shower. And brush our teeth,’ he murmured, and Nick laughed. Then they both grew pensive again. ‘I can’t promise you anything right now,’ said Dave.

‘No, I know,’ said Nick. ‘You’re not the only one who needs a good long think about this, you know. I didn’t even let myself process properly after Manchester. The only one I talked to about it was Stuart, and then I shut the whole thing away.’

‘What, really? Stuart?’

Nick smiled. ‘Yeah. The fact that he knows and cares so little about this stuff actually makes him easier to talk to, if you’d believe that. I mean, he only cares about me, not the implications of what happened, so he just listens.’ He met Dave’s gaze. ‘Did you tell anyone?’

‘Mandi,’ said Dave. ‘She was . . . concerned. And she was concerned about me going to the concert last night, as well. I guess in a way she was right to be.’

Nick kissed him on the nose. ‘A little bit. But yeah, anyway, I have some thinking to do as well. I want to be with you, but that doesn’t mean the past year can just unhappen. You know?’

‘So, we both need to think. What do we do in the meantime? Cool it off?’ Dave heard the reluctance in his own voice.

‘That would probably be for the best, wouldn’t it?’ Nick sounded just as hesitant.

Dave laughed in sheer frustration and threw himself down on his back. ‘What are we like? Fuck me . . .’

Nick smirked. ‘Already?’

Dave swatted at him and missed on purpose. He covered his eyes with his arm. ‘What are we doing?’

‘We’re dealing with our shit.’ Nick sighed. ‘Okay, so no more of this, whatever this is, until we’ve figured things out.’

Dave let his arm fall to his side and pouted at Nick. ‘Fine. Yeah. Okay.’ He wetted his dry lips with his tongue. ‘Kiss, though?’

‘Well, we’re still naked in bed together, it’s not like we have to quit right this minute . . .’ Nick kissed him gently. ‘Besides, we still need that shower. Might as well have it together.’

Dave pursed his lips. ‘What about Zoë and Richard?’

‘Dave, your coat and your boots are still downstairs in the hall, it’s already,’ he checked the phone on his nightstand, ‘eleven o’clock, and we haven’t even been downstairs yet. Pretty sure they know what’s going on.’

Dave wasn’t sure whether that was more comforting or terrifying.

* * *

Before returning to Nottingham Sunday night, Zoë made a pot of tea and sat down with Nick in the kitchen. There had been absolutely no point in denying what had happened when he and Dave came slinking sheepishly down the stairs around noon the previous morning, though Zoë had yet to bring it up with him. Now she did.

‘So. Are you back together?’ she asked, pouring tea into their mugs.

Nick shook his head. ‘No.’

‘Just a one time thing?’

Nick looked at his hands, bit his lower lip. ‘. . . No. We . . . did it in Manchester.’

She nodded slowly. ‘So, what’s going to happen now?’

He sighed. ‘We both want . . . We just need to figure things out.’ He stared down at his mug, and took a sip. ‘I’m just . . . I’m scared. I’m afraid I’ll hurt him again. I mean, I won’t do the same thing again, but there are lots of ways I can hurt him, and I’m still such a mess.’

Zoë reached across the table to squeeze his hand. ‘Seems like you’ve got some thinking to do.’

‘We both do . . . And until we have, it’s not happening again.’

‘So, what do you want, you think?’

‘Honestly?’

‘Yes, honestly.’

‘I want him. I want to be with him. I want him back. But I also want to not hurt him anymore. Never again. Ever. He deserves better than that. He’s been there for me and taken care of me and loved me, and what I did to him was . . . I have never hated myself more.’

Zoë stood up, walked around the table, and hugged Nick from behind, resting her cheek against his. ‘Whatever you decide, I’m behind you one hundred percent, I promise. I love you.’

Nick smiled and gave the arm around his neck a gentle squeeze. ‘I love you, too.’

* * *

Matt unplugged his bass and stretched. ‘God, I am fucking exhausted. Can’t wait for Easter break.’

‘You’re doing your A-levels,’ said Stuart, packing down his cymbals. ‘Easter break is for studying this year, not for relaxing.’

‘Oh, piss off. I’m on top of things.’ Matt yawned. ‘Hey, you know what I want?’

‘Hm, let me guess . . . Home-knitted socks? A Salvador Dali print? Cock?’ Nick laughed.

‘Definitely the last one.’ Matt grinned. ‘No, but, I want a night out. We’re all eighteen now, right? The whole gang! We should have a proper night out. You two, me and Alan, Chas and Ellie . . . Dave said Mel’s coming to stay for Easter. Maybe we can even get Mandi to join, she’s eighteen now, too. Can her parents really stop her?’

‘Sounds like a hassle,’ said Stuart.

‘Actually, sounds kind of fun,’ said Nick. ‘I don’t have any A-levels to worry about, so I’m game whenever. Where do you want to go?’

‘You know, I was thinking maybe just go to The Jekyll & Hyde. It’s local, to most of us anyway. Got to support local business, you know. Keep the town alive.’

‘I remember you saying you couldn’t wait to get out of Windfield Green and back to Birmingham,’ said Nick. ‘I mean, you hated it here, didn’t you?’

Matt shrugged. ‘Hate is a strong word. You could say it’s grown on me, I guess. Besides, Windfield Green has a lot of redeeming qualities.’

‘Such as?’

‘Such as my friends. And my boyfriend.’ Matt smiled. ‘Maybe most especially the latter.’

Nick laid his Telecaster down in its case. ‘You and Alan really are nauseatingly cute, you know that, right?’

‘All too well. I almost make myself gag.’ Matt’s tongue flitted out to wet his lips. ‘You know, when he’s not making me gag. On his—’

Nick cut him off. ‘Okay, yes, fine! That’s enough! I have heard enough about Alan’s cock to last me three lifetimes, thanks.’

‘Did I say cock? I didn’t say anything about that!’

‘No, cause I didn’t let you.’ Nick closed his case. ‘You guys ready? Let’s get out of here.’

* * *

By the time Easter break arrived, Dave was still thinking. He and Nick had talked and hung out several times, though they hadn’t done anything more than that. They hadn’t even kissed, though every time they were in the same room, that’s what Dave wanted to do more than anything. He could sense that Nick did, too. They had only touched on the subject of their relationship a couple of times, and had come to no real conclusions, each time both agreeing that they needed more time.

Mellie arrived Saturday to spend a week with Dave. Dave’s mother’s new house was nowhere near as big and fancy as his father’s was, but given that she’d had no income of her own for nineteen years, her ex-husband (though they technically were not divorced yet) owed her a lot of money. She also still had most of her inheritance. As such, the house was spacious, comfortable, and had three large bedrooms, though nowhere near as large as the ones in Dave’s father’s house. Dave had moved most of his stuff from his old bedroom to his new one. He had no desire to spend more time in his father’s house than he had to.

‘I know it’s only been a few weeks,’ she said, as she deposited her things in the guest room, ‘but I have missed you a lot. Things are really stressful at uni right now. How go the A-level preparations?’

‘Ugh, at this stage I just want to pass. I don’t care what marks I get as long as I can do that. I’ve decided that Easter break is Easter break. No thinking about A-levels.’

‘Good idea.’ Mellie smiled, and they made their way down the stairs to the front room. ‘So, what have you been up to? I feel like we’ve barely talked.’

‘Oh, you know. This and that.’

She squinted at him. ‘You’re being evasive.’

‘No, I’m not.’ Dave watched as his brilliant cousin quirked an eyebrow at him, and sighed. ‘Yeah, I am.’

‘What’s going on?’

‘You, er . . . You remember the night of the concert, in Manchester?’

She rolled her eyes. ‘Yes, course I do.’

‘And what we talked about the next morning?’ She nodded. ‘Well, something did happen. We . . . spent the night.’ He blushed. ‘And a couple of weeks ago it happened again, and everything got really confusing.’

Mellie sighed and pinched the bridge of her nose. ‘Dave . . .’

‘Hey, it was a mutual mistake, okay? Except . . . I don’t think of it as a mistake. I don’t think he does either. And last time we agreed that we want to be together, but that we need to think about a lot of things. You know? So we haven’t, again, since. We’ve talked a lot, but . . . I dunno. It’s all really complicated.’

To his surprise and annoyance, Mellie laughed at him. ‘You two, what are you like . . . How long are you gonna spend agonising over this?’

‘Excuse me?’ Dave scoffed indignantly. ‘Sorry that I don’t want to rush into anything with the guy who broke my fucking heart.’

‘You’re worried he’ll hurt you again?’

Dave let out a huff of air. ‘Yes. No. I dunno. I just don’t want either of us to get hurt and . . .’

Mellie scooted closer to him on the sofa and took his hand, putting her head on his shoulder. ‘Dave . . . There’s no way of guaranteeing that neither of you will get hurt. Feelings are fucking difficult, yeah? You know this. It’s always a risk. It always will be.’

‘You’ve changed your tune.’ Dave rested his cheek on top of Mellie’s head. ‘What happened to not playing with each other’s feelings?’

‘Is that what you’re doing? Doesn’t look that way to me. Clearly, this is getting serious again. And honestly, the two of you have been fucking miserable for months. Time to shit or get off the pot.’

‘Maybe you’re right . . . I’ll give it some thought.’ Dave smiled. ‘In the meantime, Matt’s asked everyone out for drinks tonight. Do you want to go? We can stay home if you’re too tired.’

‘No, fuck that. I’d love to go!’ Mellie stood up. ‘Hm, guess I’d better figure out something to wear . . .’