Mind Over Matter - 12. Chapter 12

Epilogue

Intent as I was on the screen in front of me, I didn’t realize Adam had come into the store until his arms closed around me, making me jump. “Hiya, gorgeous,” he murmured into my ear. “How’s the inventory coming?”

True to his word, Mr. D thought about the computer inventory system I’d suggested and decided it was a good idea. True to his nature, however, when the new computer arrived he’d announced his decision as though he’d come up with the idea. It had taken a couple of days to get the system functioning properly and now I was going through the arduous task of entering all our stock. When I asked if he was going to help, he’d merely waved his hand and said he’d paid for the computer and the software before disappearing into his office. I’d been working on it for a week and was less than a third done.

“Don’t ask.” I turned to face him. “What have you been up to today?”

Adam kissed my cheek and then released me to lean on the counter at my side. “Packing,” he replied. “Talking to my landlady – that sort of thing.”

I felt a thrill of excitement chase down my spine. After eight months of therapy with Maire, both alone and with Adam at my side, I’d finally managed to get my head sorted out enough to ask Adam to move in with me. I still had the occasional battle with inferiority but the panic episodes and violent illness were now a thing of the past.

It had taken a long time for me to get to the point where I could be physically intimate with Adam. He never pushed, never got frustrated with me or lost his temper. A few times I was certain that he’d leave me and go find someone else who wasn’t so emotionally handicapped but – just like always – Adam seemed to be able to read my mind. Whenever I was at my most insecure he would show up, often stating that he didn’t have a lot of time to spare but that he wanted to be with me. Considering the forty-minute drive from his work to my place, I couldn’t help but believe he was sincere.

Although the physical side of our relationship was fairly new, the emotional aspect was well-established. During my last solo appointment with Maire I asked her if she thought it was too soon to have Adam move in with me.

“Do you want him to live with you?” she asked.

I sighed. “I don’t know,” I answered. “I just don’t want him to be so far away from me all the time.”

“What does Adam think of the idea?” I looked down at my hands. “You haven’t talked to him about it?”

Shaking my head I replied, “I didn’t want to ask and then find out I couldn’t handle it. I’m afraid I’d screw it up.”

Maire smiled. “I think the fact that you’re giving it serious thought says volumes about whether or not you’re ready,” she said. “Being scared of the idea is about as normal a response as you could hope for.” She patted my arm. “How about you bring Adam in next week and we’ll talk about it, alright?”

Sure enough, Adam had jumped at the suggestion, dismissing our concerns about the long commute and times when he’d be too tired to drive home after work. When Maire questioned him about it, he’d replied that he had colleagues who would let him sleep on their sofa if necessary. “Joey’s apartment already feels like home to me,” he said finally, looking at me. “I haven’t seen the inside of my place in weeks.”

“Wouldn’t it be more convenient for Joe to move in with you?” Maire asked, playing the devil’s advocate. “You’re not done your internship yet.”

I opened my mouth to speak but Adam beat me to it. “It’s not about convenience,” he said. “Joey belongs here… and I want to be where he is.”

She asked a few more questions of us both but the matter was pretty much already decided – Adam would sublet his lease and move in with me over the bookstore. I was never so happy to be railroaded through a conversation in my life.

Adam’s voice broke me out of my reverie. “…Given any more thought to it?”

“Sorry,” I said, shaking my head. “What was that?”

“I said,” he replied. “About Maire’s suggestion – have you given any more thought to it?”

My stomach tightened. During my last visit she told me I needed to resolve the issue with my parents. That meant talking to them. “I don’t know,” I began slowly. “I’m right in the middle of entering all this stuff and…”

Adam frowned. “Joe,” he said in a warning tone.

I stared at the computer screen, seeing instead the look on my parents’ face the day they walked out of my bedroom. “I don’t know if I can do it, Adam,” I whispered. “I don’t think I can bear to have them reject me again.”

He reached over and rubbed my back soothingly. “Is there someone there you can talk to?” he asked. “Someone who can let you know the way things stand before you try it?”

“Not really,” I replied. “The only one I can think of would be Devin and he’s certainly not going to talk to me…” My voice faded as a thought occurred to me. “Phil.”

Adam stopped rubbing. “Phil? Who’s that?”

“Phil Wadley,” I replied. “He was pretty new to town when I left – and he was the only person that seemed to give a damn that I was leaving.” I turned to Adam. “I could ask him.”

“Do you know his number?” I turned back to the computer and brought up a new screen. Tapping a few keys, I found an online telephone directory and entered Phil’s last name and the name of the town. “Here’s hoping he hasn’t moved away,” I muttered as I hit the ‘enter’ key.

A couple of seconds later the screen filled with possible matches. I scrolled through the list until I found one with a familiar street address. “This might be him,” I said, glancing at Adam. “Think I should try it?”

“What have you got to lose?” he said with a shrug.

Inwardly cursing his perpetual optimism, I picked up the phone and dialed the number. It rang four times without being answered. Just as I was about to hang up the line clicked and a male voice said, “Hello?”

“May I speak to Phil Wadley, please?” I asked, hoping my voice didn’t betray my nervousness.

“Who’s calling?”

I swallowed. “Joseph Sinclair,” I replied, already dreading how this would turn out. “I used to go to school with Phil…”

“Hang on,” he interrupted. A moment later a woman’s voice came on the line. “Joseph?” she asked brightly. “I’m Diane, Phil’s mom – how are you, dear?”

“Uh… fine, thank you. I called to talk to Phil…”

She sounded as though she were smiling. “I know, dear,” she said. “Walter doesn’t hear as well as he used to – that’s why he gave you over to me. I’m happy to hear from you. Are you doing well? I was so worried about you when I heard what happened…”

“Mrs. Wadley,” I interrupted. “I’m fine, thank you, but I was hoping I could talk to Phil.”

A momentary silence greeted my request. Just when I opened my mouth to repeat it, Mrs. Wadley said, “He’s not here, dear.”

“Will he be back?” My mind started inventing sinister reasons for Phil not being able to answer the phone.

“Not for ages,” she said simply. “He’s a cook on a cruise ship – he’ll be gone for months.”

“Oh.” I looked up at Adam, who pointed emphatically at the receiver. Nodding, I went on, “Uh… maybe you can help me, Mrs. Wadley.”

“I’d like that,” she replied easily.

Glancing again at Adam, I said, “You mentioned that you’d heard what happened when… when I left…”

She jumped right in. “Oh yes, dear. Horrible way for people to behave! I can’t imagine disowning my Phil – how heartless could they be?”

“So… you know why they…”

“I don’t think they have an excuse for their behavior, Joseph, but I know the reason they did it, yes.” I could hear a voice in the background. “Quite right, Walter. Decent parents don’t throw away their only child because of who he loves.”

I smiled half-heartedly. “Mrs. Wadley,” I continued. “The reason I was hoping to get in touch with Phil… I was thinking of coming back and trying to talk to my parents but I wanted to see how things were there before I tried it, you know?”

“You want to know if they’ve maybe come around?” she asked bluntly. “I’m sorry, Joseph. From what I’ve heard I don’t think they have.”

“What do you mean?” Adam’s arm wrapped around my shoulders comfortingly.

She sighed. “Right after my Phil showed me the newspaper article about the robbery, Mabel Figg phoned me and said John Sinclair made an appointment with her husband Theo. He’s an attorney, dear.” That would’ve been when they had the papers drawn up stating that I was no longer their responsibility. “Mabel said Theo came home raging mad that night, calling John all sorts of nasty things, but he wouldn’t tell her what it was about.”

“I know what it was about,” I said quietly. “What happened then?”

“Well…” she answered. “Shortly after that Ann who works at the ticket counter in the airport overheard your mother ask for a round-trip two-day flight. Ann couldn’t be sure but it sounded like she was going to the place the paper said you were in hospital.”

I nodded. “She did, but she didn’t stick around.”

Mrs. Wadley sighed. “I’ll never understand…” she muttered. In a stronger tone she continued, “She came back a couple of days later. People were pretty cool to them. Although no one came out and said it directly, lots of folks weren’t too happy with what they’d done.”

“I didn’t think anyone went against John Sinclair,” I said.

“No one did, really,” she agreed. “But the impression was there. Anyway – a few months after that John Sinclair announced his retirement, sold the business and they packed up and moved to Florida.”

“Florida?”

“Yes, dear,” she said sympathetically. “They didn’t say where, exactly, just that that’s where they were going.” Mrs. Wadley paused. “I’m sorry, dear.”

My mind whirled. They’d packed up and moved away with no forwarding address – they didn’t want anyone to be able to contact them. If there was ever any doubt as to whether they’d change their minds, it was gone. “Thank you for telling me this, Mrs. Wadley,” I said. “It helps a lot.” I leaned into Adam’s embrace. “Could you give Phil a message for me when he gets back, please?”

“Of course, dear,” she answered brightly.

“Ask him to call me.” I recited the number. “I’m quite a distance from you but I’d really like to hear from him again.”

“I’ll tell him as soon as he gets back,” she said. “He’s talked about you off and on, you know. Wondering where you are and how you’re doing.”

I looked into Adam’s gray eyes. “I’m doing great,” I replied. “I’ve got a good job and good friends… and someone who loves me.”

“Hold onto that dear,” she said warmly. “You can put up with anything as long as you’ve got someone to share it with.”

“I know. Thanks Mrs. Wadley.”

“You’re welcome, Joseph,” she replied. “Take care.”

***

 *** 

I jumped at the sudden contact and then forced myself to relax as Adam’s arms slid around my waist. “Sorry,” I murmured, dumping the rest of the pasta in the boiling water.

“Good thing I waited until you finished chopping the peppers,” he replied, kissing the side of my neck. He sniffed appreciatively. “Something smells good.”

“Chicken parmesan,” I said, giving the pot a stir. “I didn’t have angel hair pasta so you’ll have to eat it off of spaghettini.”

Adam tightened his embrace. “I’d rather eat it off of you.”

I waited for the familiar rush of unease. When it didn’t come, I smiled, set down the spoon and turned in his arms. “That can’t be sanitary,” I murmured, leaning in for a kiss.

“Who cares?”

Several charged moments later we broke apart. Adam stared into my eyes and said, “I’m so proud of you.”

“Because I can cook?” I giggled.

“That too.” He took my hand and led me over to the dining area, dropping onto a chair and pulling me down to sit on his lap. “You’ve come such a long way,” he continued, wrapping his arms around me again.

I leaned into his solid warmth. “I couldn’t have done it without you,” I replied with a sigh. “I still have a long way to go, though.”

Adam tilted his head up for a kiss. “We’ll get through it,” he said. My heart thrilled at his confident statement. “What do you want to do this weekend?”

I blinked at the sudden change in subject. As his hand snaked up under my shirt to gently rub my stomach I replied, “George and Cindy said something about dinner.” Mr. D had told me months ago to call him by his given name since, as he put it, ‘we seemed to be family now’.

“Mm hmm…” Adam used his other hand to pull me closer and was now rubbing his cheek against my chest. “What about after that?”

I bit my lip, trying to guess what his reaction would be. This weekend marked the six-month anniversary of Adam and me moving into my apartment together. Although I didn’t think it warranted celebration, Adam wanted to do something special and I wasn’t about to argue. What I wanted to do, however, wasn’t exactly what he’d call ‘celebratory’. “What about…” I began uncertainly.

At the change in my tone, Adam leaned back to meet my gaze. “What is it?”

“Never mind.” I made to get up but he held me firmly in place, waiting. “It’s a stupid idea – let me go stir the sauce.”

He let go but rose to follow me to the stove. “Joey,” he said, his voice cautious. “Whatever you want to do – whatever you need to do – you know I want that too, right?”

I shook my head as I lifted the lid on the tomato sauce to tend to it. I didn’t trust my voice. No matter how screwed up I was or what I was going through, Adam was always right there to support me. I still couldn’t understand how I got so lucky.

Adam reached around me to gently take the spoon out of my hand. After replacing the lid on the pot he turned down the burner and then guided me into the living room, indicating I should sit on the sofa. He then perched on the coffee table, facing me.

Taking my hands in his Adam searched my face. “You know I love you, right?” I nodded, blinking back tears that were welling in my eyes. “And no matter what, if there’s anything I can do to help you I want to do it because I love you, right?” I nodded again. “And whatever that is, if it helps you it also helps us and I want that too, right?” The tears managed to escape and were slowly trickling down my face. I looked away but he brought his hands up to cup my cheeks, turning me back to him while he wiped away the moisture with his thumbs. In a whisper he asked, “What is it you need, baby?”

I looked into his gray eyes, reading the concern and depth of his love easily. Suddenly I didn’t feel so uncertain. I took a deep breath. “I want to change my name.”

Adam glanced at me quickly. “Change your name?” I nodded again. “Why?”

“Joseph Sinclair really is gone,” I replied. “I want a name that means something to me.”

He hesitated for a moment and then asked in a low voice, “What would that be?”

“Joe Farris.”

Instead of speaking, Adam grabbed me in a bone-crushing hug. “I love you,” he said, planting kisses all over my face. “Of course you can if you want to.”

“I do want to,” I insisted. “It’s important to me.” The rest of my words were cut off as he covered my mouth with his.

A few intense minutes later we broke apart, panting. “What about a ceremony?” Adam asked.

My mind was blissfully drifting. “I don’t think we need to announce it,” I answered, still thinking about his oh-so-talented tongue.

He looked at me strangely for a minute and then burst out laughing. “You nut!” he said when he’d caught his breath. “I meant did you want to have a commitment ceremony or something?”

I froze. “Are you proposing to me?”

Adam sobered as well. He stared at me and then nodded slowly. “I am,” he said quietly. Taking my hand he added, “If you’ll have me.”

I let my thoughts take over. I pictured what my life had been like in the days I was on the road, driving from place to place in the hopes of finding somewhere I belonged. Taking one job after another only to feel guilt and shame when I was rejected because of who I was. I remembered the day I walked down the street in the quiet hours of the morning and finding the bookstore – and the unassuming sign in the window that held the power to change my life.

I could still see the frank acceptance in George’s eyes when I told him I was gay. I heard Mr. Winters’ voice as he told me, “You can only deal with how they think of Joe Sinclair.” I smiled a little at the memory of Cindy and I discovering I had no dishes whatsoever.

I looked up at Adam who was watching me carefully. I felt safe with him – I had since the day I woke up in the hospital to find him sleeping in the chair beside my bed. Ever since then Adam had been my rock, showing me in ways both big and small that no matter what had happened to me before, I was an important, valuable person. All the times I’d agonized over the horrible experiences rattling around in my head or dealing with the backlash of my suppressed emotions, Adam had been there for me, quietly loving me all the while.

So many times I’d been sure he would leave and never come back. And every time he would return, knowing without words how uncertain I’d been. Sometimes he’d show up at my door in the middle of the night looking rumpled and exhausted, only to smile that thousand-kilowatt smile and ask, “How are you feeling?”

And now he was sitting on our coffee table, those gorgeous gray eyes searching my face, waiting to hear me say if I wanted to have him stay with me forever.

“I was taught that family was made of the people who brought you into the world,” I began slowly. “That the people who gave you a roof over your head, clothes to wear and food to eat were the ones that mattered – the ones you had to remain loyal to, no matter what.” I reached up and touched his cheek with my fingertips. “You… George… Cindy… You’re my family now. I won’t ever forget how my life was before. My parents provided for me and I’ll always be grateful for that.”

Adam opened his mouth to speak but I brushed my thumb over his lips, silencing him. “You’ve been right beside me,” I continued. “No matter what I said or did, no matter what I was going through. It’s taken me a while to realize it but the day I woke up to find you in that chair was the first day I began to really live again.” I shook my head. “If I’ll have you?” I echoed. “I need you, Adam. I need us.”

“Joey…”

I kissed him, a soft touch of my lips to his. “Adam Farris,” I whispered against his mouth. “Will you marry me?”

He wrapped his arms around me, pulled me to his chest and said, “Yes.”