The Light You Cast - 9. Chapter 9

I dressed in a long-sleeved grey shirt that may have been large on Jonathan, but it clung to me. I removed it, stretched out the sleeves with my hands and pulled it back on over my head. The pants fit better, material thin and loose.

Knowing I was in Jonathan's bedroom, I should have respected his space and walked straight out. But I felt drawn to his bed, and I couldn't seem to stop myself from running my hand over his silky gray bedspread and smooth white sheets. I glanced back at the door nervously. If he saw me doing this, I would probably die from the shame. Still, I couldn't resist. I walked up to the head of the bed, took one of his pillows, and held it to my chest. With my eyes closed, I swayed there for a moment. It smelled like him. I could write a poem about this scent, I thought. The way it soothed me might have been beyond words. But I could try.

A clattering in the kitchen snapped me out of it. I set the pillow back down neatly on the bed and patted away the rumpled area where I'd held it. I tried to convince myself what I'd just done was normal, but another voice crept in to tell me my behaviour was off-putting. I vowed not to indulge myself this way again.

The floorboards felt cool against my bare feet as I walked out. Jonathan stood in the kitchen over a pot of boiling water. He’d already prepared a salad, and he had everything lined up to make a pasta dish of some kind.

“Hey,” I said.

He looked up at me and stopped what he was doing. Then his eyes moved over me, making me feel self conscious. I hesitated in the hallway, unsure of myself.

“Hey,” he replied.

“Need me to help with anything?” I asked.

“Nope. I’m almost done.”

I slid in to sit at the kitchen table, which he’d already set up for four people. “What time is Michael supposed to get back again?” I asked.

“Rayna just texted me. They’re on their way. She’s going to join us for dinner.”

I nodded. Jonathan seemed occupied by chopping vegetables, so I looked around the apartment. “Just out of curiosity, why do you collect so many newspapers?” I asked.

“Oh, those? I’m a freelance writer for the Star,” he explained. “They publish me a few times a month. I like to keep the prints. And I also collect articles for research.”

I blinked, surprised. The Toronto Star was published everywhere, and I read it now and then. I’d probably come across one of his articles without realizing it. “What do you write about?” I asked.

“Human interest,” he said. He dropped a handful of pasta in the boiling water, gave it a stir, then turned back to chopping vegetables. “Everyday heroes and do-gooders, small business owners and immigrants with interesting back-stories, that kind of thing.”

“That sounds great,” I said, impressed.

“I have a passion for people with good hearts,” he said with a smug little smile aimed at me. I took a drink of water to cover my embarrassment. “I majored in journalism,” he continued. “Graduated last year. But it’s not exactly an easy field to break into, and I can’t afford to do an unpaid internship. Part-time freelancing is all I could swing.”

“So you want to be a full-time journalist?” I asked.

He shrugged. “I actually really love working at the costume shop with Rayna. I’ve learned to appreciate textiles - all the different patterns and textures are fascinating. And alterations are actually pretty fun. Being a journalist full-time would earn me a fatter paycheck, but I’d miss the shop a lot.”

The passion evident in his voice brought a smile to my face.

“What about you?” he asked as he threw garlic onto a sizzling pan. Its scent rose into the air and filled the apartment. “If you could do any kind of work and you weren’t held back by anything, what would you do?”

I thought for a minute and felt oddly hollow when I realized I didn’t have an answer for him. I shifted in my chair and turned my fork over, dragging the tines in light waves over the white cloth napkin. “I never really thought about it.”

“Really? Never?”

I shook my head slowly. “I only ever wanted a peaceful life. I like being out in the forest, and I like working with my hands. I like writing poems too, but I think I’d rather burn my journal than publish it for the whole world to see. I never gave much thought to the future. Don’t know why.”

“Survival,” Jonathan said simply. “That’s the only future you’ve had the bandwidth to think about, I’m sure. And as for your poems, maybe you’re not ready to share them with the world. But I wouldn’t mind reading them sometime, if you’d let me.”

An image formed in my mind of Jonathan laying back on the couch, reading my poems. Just the thought of it made me feel exposed. Naked. But if it was him, I might be able to do it. Jonathan began sauteing a heap of vegetables when the doorbell sounded, loud and mechanical. It made me jump.

“They’re here! Could you let them in?”

“Sure.”

Michael and Rayna poured in with our bags. Rayna bee-lined for the kitchen, wrapped her arms around Jonathan from behind, popped a kiss on his cheek, then snuck a zucchini out of the pan and took a bite.

“Hmm,” she said. “Tastes good. Needs more garlic.”

“Chop some up for me,” he motioned over to a string of cloves on the counter. She made quick work of it, small brown hands darting around like two little birds.

When I looked back, Michael still hadn’t moved from the door. He stood absorbing his surroundings with a hesitance and uncertainty that seemed out of place on him.

“You can put the bags by the couch,” Jonathan called from the kitchen. “Then come sit at the table. This will be ready in, like, two minutes.”

A moment later, we filled our plates and started the meal.

“You’ve outdone yourself again, Jonny,” Rayna said with a happy sigh. “Now I owe you, what, three dinners?”

“Four, but who’s keeping count?” he said.

“I’ll tell you what. Bring the whole crew over to my place on Saturday afternoon. I’ll cook such an epic dinner, you won’t know what hit you." She dug her fork into the pasta again. "Mmm, this is just perfect!”

“It really is good,” I said. When our eyes met, Jonathan appeared to glow with all the praise. I took another bite as I looked back at him. He seemed so content, it was hard to look away. I wanted to soak it in like sunlight.

On the other hand, Michael glowered at Jonathan frequently while we ate. It seemed to me like he was looking for something negative to say and he just hadn’t found it yet. His attitude annoyed me, but I wasn’t about to ruin the dinner by speaking up about it.

“So, Michael, Ethan tells me you’re an actor,” Jonathan said with a light, cheerful smile.

“I guess,” he mumbled. “I’ve been in a few high school plays.”

“He played the leading role in Hamlet,” I amended. “They just finished their closing show a week ago.”

“Oh yeah?” Jonathan asked. “What school?”

Michael shook his head. “Just a little nothing school in the middle of nowhere, Alberta.”

Jonathan did an excellent job of ignoring the attitude, I noticed. He just smiled and continued speaking buoyantly as if nothing was awry.

“You know, Rayna used to do stage acting,” he said. “She went to a performing arts high school here in Toronto. Rosedale, right?”

Michael’s eyes grew wide and he looked at Rayna. “Really?” he asked.

“Really!” Rayna made a flourish with her fork. “I love my thespians. They’re eighty percent of my business.”

“I want to go to Rosedale!” Michael blurted out. “I’ve been reading all about it. My mom’s cousin lives here in Toronto and I thought I could use her address and apply there.”

“I could help you with that,” Rayna said approvingly.

The rest of the dinner conversation was dominated by Michael quizzing Rayna on the different performing arts schools in Toronto. She responded to each question with a patient enthusiasm, her dark eyes sparkling at him.

“You’ll get in,” she told him. “If you can sell yourself like those dresses you sold today, you’ll have no trouble at all. But I’ll write you a letter of recommendation.”

After dinner, I offered to clear up the dishes, but Jonathan insisted that he do everything himself and wouldn’t let me near the kitchen. As he worked, Rayna shrugged Michael off for long enough to speak to me.

“Join me outside for a walk?” she asked.

I glanced out the window. It was dark now, and a light flurry of snow danced in the air. I didn’t exactly want to leave the warmth of Jonathan’s apartment. And the way Michael shot warning looks over at Jonathan, I wasn’t sure I should leave them alone. What was his problem, anyway? Jonathan had opened up his home to us. The least he could do was behave cordially.

“Please,” she insisted. She stood up and took her coat off the rack. “Jonathan, I’m taking Ethan out for a minute. I’ll bring him back, I promise.”

He waved her away with a soapy hand, then went back to scrubbing the frying pan.

With a sigh, I stood up and found my coat. The winter would cut right through the thin pants Jonathan had provided, but I didn’t want to take the time to pull on layers from my suitcase. Instead, I slid on some woolen socks, laced up my boots, and hoped that would be enough as I joined her.

She didn’t say anything while she led me down the stairs. Silence made the tension mount. What did she have to say that the others couldn’t hear? Was it something bad?

“Okay,” she let out when we reached the front door. “I needed some fresh air for this conversation.” Her breath stood out white in the bluish light of the street lamps. “Let’s just do a quick walk around the block.”

I gave her a nod and we began walking. Rayna was so tiny that it took two strides for her to keep up with each one of mine, but she didn’t get winded. The chill pierced straight into me through the thin cloth pants as I suspected it would, but as long as she kept up the pace, I’d be fine.

“So, Ethan. I want you to consider me Jonathan’s mother, okay?”

“Oh?” I asked.

“Absolutely. His family is pretty much non-existent, you know.”

“Yeah, I’m aware of that,” I said.

“He came to work for me during his first year of university. At the time, he was like a lost, broken little bird. He just needed a wing to hide under. Naturally, I fell for him immediately. He’s the sweetest boy a mother could ask for.”

“I’m glad you were there for him,” I said. The thought of Jonathan being lost and broken didn’t sit well with me, however. It made my heart feel uncomfortable and sore in my chest. I didn’t know anything about his life during that time. I hadn’t even considered it. But now I began to realize how difficult things must have been for him after I left.

“Me too. And he flourished. Made lots of friends, excelled in his classes. For the first three years, he did better than I ever expected. But then, in the fourth year, with graduation right around the corner, he almost dropped out of school.”

“What? Why?”

“He said that he got a lead. He felt compelled to track it down. Missed weeks of classes. It was a nightmare to get him back in the game in time to graduate.”

“What was this lead about?” I asked.

“You, of course. That’s back when he found your sister.”

“Oh,” I said, blinking. A shiver took over and my teeth began to chatter, but I kept walking. Now she really had my attention. “He almost dropped out because of me?”

“Yes. He’d be humiliated if he knew I was telling you this. But I think it’s important that you know.”

“I feel bad,” I said. “I didn’t know.”

She nodded. “So you can probably imagine why I’m worried. That’s why I wanted to talk to you.”

We rounded the second corner of the block, and I began to shiver from the cold. But if I walked any faster, Rayna would have to start jogging to catch up, and I didn’t want to do that to her.

“He said he wanted to find me so he could tell me that the police weren’t after me,” I said through my chattering teeth. “And I didn’t know.”

“I don’t think that’s the only reason he wanted to find you, Ethan,” she said. She licked her lips and looked up at me for the first time since we started walking. When I looked back at her, I could feel she was studying my eyes for a hint of my intentions. I held her gaze for a while, but her eyes were so intense that I had to look back down at my feet.

“Don’t hurt him, Ethan,” she said. “And don't let him throw his life away, either. If you do, I’ll make you regret it. Understand?”

I nodded, feeling about an inch tall somehow despite the fact that I was at least a foot taller than her.

“You’re freezing,” she said. “Come on, we can walk a little faster and get back inside.”

We came to the last corner and rushed for the apartment complex.

“About Michael,” she said as she pushed open the door to the complex. A wave of warmth engulfed me, causing me to shudder. “I’m going to hire him. He reminds me a lot of Jonathan when I first met him. Lost and looking for stability. He’s not going to find that sleeping on the floor at Jonathan’s house. Don’t get me wrong, it will be fine for a few days. But any more than that and he’s probably going to start looking elsewhere. I don’t want him landing somewhere unsafe. You need to find him a place to go.”

“You already like him a lot, don’t you,” I said with a twinge of a smile. She made me nervous. How was I supposed to even start finding him a place to stay? What was she going to do to me if I didn’t? We started marching up the stairs. The exercise warmed me up a little more.

“What can I say? I never wanted children or a husband. But I’m pretty fierce about my foundlings. And Michael hit me straight in the heart the minute he sold those flapper dresses.”

When we got back into the apartment, Michael had retreated to the living room. He stared blankly at a fast-paced cartoon with lots of movement and flashing lights. I sneered at the screen and went into the kitchen, where Jonathan was finishing up the dishes.

“Oh my god, your lips are blue,” he said when he glanced up at me. “What did you do to him, Rayna?”

“Oh, you know, the usual ‘if you hurt my baby I’ll tear your eyes out and make an omelette out of them’ talk.”

Jonathan turned beet red and put the bowl he was drying down on the counter. “You’ve got to be kidding me.”

“I’m off,” she grinned. “I’ll see you in the morning. Bring Michael with you, please. It was nice meeting you, Ethan.”

“You too,” I said. Honestly, though, I was relieved to see her go. “Well, she’s fierce,” I said to Jonathan after the door shut behind her.

“I didn’t think she’d lay into you right away like that,” he said. Some of the initial heat still lingered in his cheeks. “Sorry.”

“It’s okay,” I laughed. “Thanks for doing all of this, Jonathan.” I gestured to the kitchen table. “You’ve been the best host a person could ask for.”

*****

I ended up on the couch that night with a few extra blankets. Michael curled up in a sleeping bag on the floor. My mind spun with worries. Sophie, Michael, Jonathan, Rayna. Four people I felt responsible to had crashed into my life all at once. I tried not to admit to myself that part of me wanted to shirk off all the weight they added to my shoulders and sneak off into the darkness.

“You awake?” Michael asked softly from his nest on the floor.

“Yeah.”

“Can’t sleep either?”

“Nope,” I replied.

“Is Jonathan, like, your boyfriend?” he asked.

“No,” I replied. “He’s my friend. Why?”

“Because,” he said skeptically. “I don’t think he wants me to be here.”

“Seriously? You’re the one who’s been glaring at him all night. He made you dinner and gave you a place to sleep. Why would he do all that if he didn’t want you here?”

“Because I’m with you,” he said. Then he gave a long sigh. “I’m scared to call Joe. That’s mom’s cousin. She said he’s older, like in his fifties. He lives here with his wife and they have four kids but they’re all grown up and moved out.”

“What are you scared of, exactly?” I asked.

“What if they hate me?” he asked.

“No one in their right mind would hate you, Michael. You’re fun to be around.”

“Tell that to my dad.”

“Your dad is a special kind of screwed up,” I said. “Don’t let him get to you.”

“I can’t help it.” He turned over in his sleeping bag restlessly. “Rayna wants me to start working at the costume shop.”

“I know. She told me,” I said.

“She only likes me because I sold some dresses. What if I start to suck? Is she going to fire me?”

I put a hand over my eyes and squeezed my temples. My long, slow intake and release of air was probably audible, but I didn’t care. If he couldn’t calm down, though, I had a suspicion I’d never be able to either. It was so easy for him to vent all of his fears. He just threw them out into the wind. It probably felt good to release them. I’d tried with Jonathan. But the words had barely crept out of my throat before it closed again. I’d never be strong enough to express myself as freely as Michael did. In a way, I envied him.

“You are inherently likeable, Michael,” I said firmly. “You’re constantly surrounded by people who love your company. Rayna only met you a few hours ago and she already wants to take you under her wing. She told me so. You’re only worrying so much because the one person you want to like you, won’t. But that’s just one person, Michael. There’s so much evidence all around you proving how incredible you are. Can’t you see it?”

Michael was quiet for a long time. He made a few soft sniffling sounds, and I realized he was crying into his pillow. The sound of it made my own eyes water. But I clenched my jaw to the emotion, covered my eyes with the inside of my elbow, and swallowed it down.

“Ethan?” Michael said weakly after a few minutes. My tired mind had already begun to drift away to sleep, and I had to reel it back in.

“Yeah?” I asked.

“I’m really glad you’re with me,” he said.

I smiled a little. “Me too, Michael,” I said. “Now try to get some sleep.”

“Okay. ‘Night.”

*****

A vivid nightmare took hold of me sometime in the early hours of the morning. In the nightmare, I was twelve years old. A fire poker collided with my body over and over again. The pain was indescribable, the fear tearing me apart.

Through my fingers I saw Jonathan’s father beating me. But he transformed into my own father, with sandy hair, wiry arms and blue eyes lined with red veins. My mother’s voice echoed in the background, screaming for him to stop, but her pleas sounded wavery, like they were coming from under water.

An older version of myself appeared behind my father. I gasped in relief as his strong arms tore the man away from my broken body. But then I noticed something was horribly wrong with this version of me. His body trailed with smoky shadows. His eyes glowed red like embers. I shouted at him to get away, but my voice was just as thin and distant as my mother’s had been.

The monster with my face contorted into the visage of a smoky wolf with massive jaws. He consumed my father in a single snap of his teeth, and my father disappeared into ashes.

The monster laid down next to my helpless, broken body. He stroked my hair, told me it would be alright. I tried to scream, but no sound came out. Tried to run, but pain and damage kept my body still. Slowly, the wolf opened his jaws and consumed me. He swallowed me whole. The burning only seared me for a moment. Instead of turning into ash like my father, I saw the world through the eyes of the wolf. Everything was tinted red. The home around me began to glow like it was on fire.

Jonathan came through the front door. He smiled at first, running up to me. But his expression changed when he got closer. He stopped, face contorting in horror.

I woke with a scream that caught in my throat the same moment it tried to escape. Covered in sweat, I thrashed my covers off my body and sat up.

It was still dark outside. Cool air rushed into my lungs and I couldn’t figure out where I was, at first. My surroundings came to me slowly, starting with the rhythmic sounds of Michael’s sleeping breath.

I got up and found my way to the restroom in the dark, feeling my way along the walls. Even after I relieved myself, my heartbeat wouldn’t slow down properly. I cupped my hands under cool water running from the sink and splashed my face a few times. An image came to me of slipping into Jonathan’s room, into his bed, and curling my body around his, holding him close to my chest.

An ache and longing burned deep in my chest. The closer he was to me, the more I wanted him. But I couldn't hurt him. I almost wanted to leave now, so that I never could cause him pain. What was it Rayna had said? He worked so hard trying to find me that he might have dropped out of school, if she hadn’t been there to pick up the pieces. If I left, it would only make things worse.

There was nothing more I wanted in the entire world than to wrap my arms around him. But I forced myself back down the hallway to the couch. I held my pillow tightly to my chest and closed my eyes. Eventually I fell into a shallow sleep, waking every now and then when I thought I heard his voice in my ear. But there was nothing, only morning twilight growing brighter through the windows.