A Night with no Stars - 9. Elephant in the Room

Maks entered his apartment and felt smoke. He frowned, going further in and then stopped in the kitchen door. Ewelina was standing by the stove, making popcorn. Or rather burning it. For some reason she was wearing a pin-up dress, all red in polka dots. She looked like a housewife from the fifties. She beamed when she saw him.

“Hi honey!” she chirped, coming up to him and throwing her arms around his neck. Maks wrinkled his nose.

“I’ve been telling you that you’re not supposed to leave it there,” he said patiently, pointing the pot. She started to kiss his neck slowly and sensuously, going down and down. “I’ve even written an instruction, it’s over there,” he added like it was the most natural thing to do. Ewelina pulled away, looking upset. She shot the fridge an accusing glance, but then disregarded it and went back to what she was doing before.

“I thought it was the manual for Aleks to use the coffee machine,” she murmured seductively. Maks blinked. Wait, what?

“The fuck are you waiting for?” Aleks mumbled and then captured his mouth with his own. Maks just thought ‘yeah, ok’ before he was on him, kissing him back hungrily, thrilled beyond belief. He felt fingers tightening in his hair and pulling while Maks’s hands roamed to his hips, sneaking under his long t-shirt. His hips were so narrow they were practically non-existent. He was still a bit of a kid. He was so fucking breathtaking. Maks pulled him closer and moved his lips to nibble at his chin and jaw. He ground down against him and heard him whimper. He started to bit and suck his long neck, tightening his fingers on these fucking hips harshly, close to losing his mind when he realized that he was hearing a constant, annoying noise. Aleks drew back slightly.

“Stop it, they’re going to hear you,” he scolded him quietly. His hair was in complete disarray. Maks frowned. Before he even opened his mouth, Aleks hissed. “Shh. Stop thinking so loud,” he repeated. The noise kept getting stronger, it sounded like an alarm siren. “Are you ready?” Aleks asked. ‘Ready for what?’ Maks wanted to know, but kept silent. “Three,” he started to count. Somehow Maks knew he was going to be gone soon. No, no, no. “Two.” He enfolded him in his arms, deciding not to let go no matter what. “One!” They were both still there, but suddenly everything was wet. Aleks was laughing, his eyes bright and full of wonder, and the noise was getting deafening.

Maks jerked suddenly. Has it started to rain? No, Ewelina burned popcorn, it was a fire sprinkler. He didn’t have a fire sprinkler. Where the fuck was Aleks and what was that fucking noise? He rolled on his back and opened his eyes slowly. He waited for a moment, too dazed to move, then picked himself up reluctantly, still feeling the touch of Aleks pressed against him. Was it a dream or did it actually happen? No, it was a dream. A pretty fucked up one at that. He blinked with effort. His phone was ringing.

“Hello?” he grunted, not even checking the caller ID. His brain was still fogged.

“Could you please explain to me what the hell are you doing?” a very pissed voice asked. This one Maks recognized instantly.

“Wha…?” he mumbled with no clue what this was all about.

“It’s half past ten, Maks, and you were supposed to be at Ernst & Young thirty minutes ago,” his father thundered through a phone. Maks felt his insides freezing. Fuck. His fucking interview. Was it that late already? But he set the alarm, how was it possible…?

He jumped out of bed, looking around madly and running his fingers through his hair, as if it was going to help hide the fact that he woke up two minutes ago. He didn’t know why he felt like making himself more presentable was going to somehow improve his situation. No one was here and he was already late. And it didn’t do shit for his appearance, he was a fucking mess and… he glanced down. Yeah, he was also hard. Fuck.

It was all Aleks’s fault. It’s because of him he spent half of last night wandering through the city. And it’s because of him he had this stupid dream. Which made him responsible for Maks being both hard and late.

“Jesus, dad, I know… I’ve got sick, I feel terrible. I couldn’t even get out of bed… I’ll call this guy in a minute, apologize and reschedule, ok?” he came up with a plausible bullshit promptly, trying to sound bed-ridden.

“I’m expecting you to tell me that it’s a burst appendix and you’re on your way to the hospital,” his father warned menacingly. Maks blinked.

“You would want me to have a burst appendix?” he asked baffled.

“Well, that would at least be a serious enough reason to…”

“Are you mad?!” Maks suddenly heard his mom, who sounded scandalized. Damn, why did they always have to be on speaker? “Oh my, baby, you do sound awful. But you don’t think it’s anything serious…?” Her voice instantly got a lot gentler and full of concern.

“No, it’s probably just a flu,” Maks said, minding to sound adequately weak.

“Do you want me to come over, bring you some meds? Did you make an appointment with the doctor already?” Maks rolled his eyes. Jesus fucking Christ.

“No, it’s fine. I’ll be making calls in a minute. I’ve got some Tylenol and I’ll get a prescription later.”

“Ok, but rest a lot and don’t go outside…”

“He already hasn't,” his dad grumbled in the background. “No one will treat him seriously if he will just give up without the word…”

“I’ve told you I’ll call them,” Maks sighed impatiently. “I’ll do it right now, ok? I’ve got to go.”

“I won’t be making excuses for him…” his dad kept ranting without listening to a word that was said to him. Maks wasn’t even sure if he was talking to him or to mom, or just into space.

“Keep warm and drink a lot of water…”

“Bye, mom,” Maks cut her off. “Bye, dad.”

He hanged up, letting his hand fall limply on the bed along with his phone. It’s not that he forgot. He remembered, but then he went to look for Aleks yesterday and… fuck, his dad will never let him live this down. In the moment of gallows humor he wondered what his dad would say if he knew that when Maks was supposed to be having an interview, he was dreaming of fucking his male friend. Well, not really fucking, but that’s where it would go if he didn’t wake up. Suddenly he felt deep regret that his brain didn’t decide to see it through to the end and show him what came after. Fuck the interview, fuck the job and fuck his dad, he just wanted to know what it would be like.

He shook his head. He shouldn't have dreams like that at all. And if he had them, he shouldn't think about them calmly instead of freaking out. Most of all, he should get a fucking grip.

He was going to get out of bed and get himself up and running, regardless of this small setback, but his phone rang again. He glanced at the screen. It wasn’t Aleks. He didn’t know whether it disappointed him or not. It was Ewelina. He completely forgot that she was in the dream too.

“Hello?” he answered faintly, deciding to stick with the fake illness just in case his fiancée and his parents were in touch lately, as they usually were.

“Hey. You sound weird,” she assessed suspiciously. “Is it over already?”

“I’ve got sick,” he said, not even having to do much pretending that he was tired. “I’ve rescheduled it, I feel awful,” he confessed in the most pitiful voice he could muster up.

“Oh, poor baby… do you want me to come over after work?” she offered promptly.

“No, there’s no point, I’m gonna be useless anyway,” Maks said with conviction. “I think I’ll take something and go back to sleep.”

“Ok. When did you reschedule the interview for?” she asked curiously. He didn’t prepare for this one.

“I don’t know yet, the guy is supposed to let me know.”

“Well, get some rest. I’ll call you later. Love you.”

“You too,” Maks muttered, then leaned back, staring at the ceiling. How it was possible for everything to fall into pieces so fast?

It wasn’t even about the dream. Dreams happened and sometimes they were fucked up, you just had to deal with it. But it was so fucking… real. And natural. Everything about Aleks was just so easy. Maks has never done that before, he’s never just opened up and let someone see him. Not even Ewelina, he was always hiding in his shell and she was stuck outside. And it was fine, she hasn’t really minded and they’ve still got along, because he’s never wanted anyone inside. But then there was Aleks, and he needed him to be closer, but he wasn’t sure what it meant and it made this thing with him both the easiest and the most complicated he’s even dealt with.

The dream was close enough. Aleks from the dream was almost close enough for Maks to fulfill this need.

He spent most of the morning and early afternoon moping around. He checked his e-mail. He did laundry. He took the Jack Daniels bottle Aleks and Wiki started when they were here and poured himself a glass. He was bored, so he started to make a tuna salad. He was going to have another drink, but suddenly remembered his interview and decided to call the recruiter, explain his absence while apologizing profusely and ask to reschedule. The guy immediately agreed to move the meeting to next Monday. Maks shook his head incredulously. How were they so fucking nice to people who completely blew them off? Since when it was good for business?

After that there was nothing to keep him from having another drink and then another, and ponder about Aleks some more. He kept telling himself to snap out of this daydream already. He needed to get back to life, not bury himself in the impossible idea. After all it was just his subconsciousness playing some trick on him. Probably most men had at some point a gay wet dream, he was only human after all, and humans were attracted to many different things. This time he’s got fixated on Aleks, but that was no final proof of anything, it was just that he liked him a lot and these feelings were spreading out to other areas. It wasn’t even that he was all that attracted. Sometimes he was into boobs and sometimes he was into little shits like him. At the end of the day, he could live without both.

Suddenly the doorbell jerked him out of his slumber. He went to the door and opened it without second thought, cause since he woke up he was a little mentally incapacitated, so it didn’t even cross his mind who it probably was. He froze when he saw him.

Of course he was momentarily reminded of the dream, the images filled his mind again, making him almost feel Aleks’s body pressed against his. He knew his face was getting redder with every passing second, even though he tried to fight it. His gaze wandered from his ruffled hair, through his bright green eyes to the mockingly lifted left corner of his mouth, and his fucking imagination just had to attack him with all of these things around him, near him, on him. He could almost see all this pale skin under the black jacket and ripped jeans, strong arms marked by faint blue veins, all his slender form and these fucking hips. All these things that he almost knew from his dream, but had no idea what it would be like for real. For these few seconds Maks spent on evaluating him, Aleks was watching him quizzically, but he was smiling, even though he didn’t seem to know what he was smiling about.

And no, he had no idea what Maks’s flushed face and ablaze gaze meant, but he looked fascinating and didn’t seem to want to look away any time soon, so Aleks returned his stare just as intently, because maybe Maks finally figured some part of reality out.

“Hi,” he said quietly, almost scared of breaking this moment off and snapping Maks out of wherever he was right now in his head. “I’ve mentioned I’ll come by…”

“Sure. Come on in.” Maks gulped, finally getting a grip and moving from the door. Aleks stopped in the hallway, feeling a bit uneasy. For some reason it was as if there was some change between them that he completely missed and now should get back with the program on his own.

“I can’t really stay,” he admitted reluctantly, nibbling at his jacket. “I have to be… somewhere soon.” Maks was still watching him, but his face was mostly blank. He didn’t answer, so Aleks went on. “I just wanted to drop by and apologize that I took off like that last time and…”

“I’ve heard that they’ve arrested someone, I was just worried that… but I can see it’s all good, so…” Maks broke off awkwardly while Aleks nodded absently.

“Yeah… what a relief, right?” he said half-heartedly. Maks sized him up silently.

“So they have a right person?” he asked seriously. Aleks frowned. “The guy they’ve taken in. It’s the same guy who did it, right?” he pressed warily. Aleks just opened his mouth and then closed it. “Weren’t you fucking there? You should know who pulled the trigger,” he mocked.

“Yes, I do, and yeah, they’ve got him,” Aleks informed him frigidly, but there was something wrong about it, he was slightly tense, his Adam’s apple twitched a few times and his eyes were wider than normal. They weren’t like that when he was loosen up, they were like that when he was on alert. Maks wasn’t sure when exactly he learned to see right through him.

“Are you sure?” he asked skeptically. He wanted him to lose patience. “You’re sure it’s the right guy?”

“I’m telling you it is,” Aleks bridled. At first Maks thought it was irritation in his voice, but then he realized that it could as well be fear. Aleks seemed almost helpless, standing against the wall and trying to turn his lie into the truth. Maks shook his head.

“I don’t believe you,” he said simply. “They haven’t caught the right guy, have they?”

“Maks,” Aleks sighed, rubbing his face tiredly. “The case is closed. We don’t have to worry about it anymore…”

“How are we not to worry when they’re going to lock up the wrong person?” Maks barked, raising his voice.

“Shut the fuck up,” Aleks hissed, looking around fearfully, but Maks was too gone already. In a split second all of these feeling for Aleks and memories of the dream were gone too.

“I’m not going to shut up,” he announced firmly. “An innocent person is going to go to prison, Aleks,” he said icily and Aleks closed his eyes, feeling like his guilt was gonna swallow him up whole.

“Don’t you think I know that?” he scorned, even though he wasn’t actually mad at Maks, he was mad at the circumstances. Maks looked perplexed.

“So why won’t you tell them that?” he asked simply. “Look, I know you don’t want to get even more involved than you already are, I don’t want you to be involved either, but you were there and you have a way of saving someone from spending most of his life in jail. And you’re just going to look the other way and not say a word? Do you know how fucking selfish…”

“Ok, so I’m selfish!” Aleks yelled, fed up with all these accusations of being the worst, especially from Maks of all people. “Has it even crossed your mind that I don’t want them to catch the right guy?” he hissed. Maks spent a minute pondering on it.

“Aleks, whoever it is, he’s still guilty…” he started a lot more gently, trying to make him see reason. Aleks just closed his eyes and leaned on the wall. Maks thought he looked close to tears and all his wrath immediately evaporated. He took a cautious step forward. “Aleks…” he muttered soothingly.

“Just leave me alone,” Aleks whispered, lowering his head and avoiding his eyes. Maks put his hand on his forearm awkwardly, trying to calm him down, but not really knowing how to go about it. When Aleks finally opened his eyes they’ve shimmered a bit, but thank God he wasn’t crying. He’s got over it fast. “Do you have more insightful revelations, captain obvious?” he snarled defensively. Maks didn’t even have a retort for him, all his anger wore off, leaving him just tired. Aleks must have misunderstood his silence, because he suddenly grimaced. “I don’t know why I’m even talking to you,” he said, gaining his confidence back and pushing himself off the wall. “And I don’t know what the fuck I’ve came here for,” he added venomously, reaching for the doorknob. Maks jumped to stop him.

“No, no, wait…” he pleaded, blocking the door with one hand and gripping his wrist with the other. He turned him to face him. Aleks yanked his hand back.

“Get the fuck off me,” he growled. It looked that all this anger and dread that were cumulating inside him for the last few days have decided to blow and Maks was going to be the unfortunate target. There was no one else around he could take it all out on.

“No, wait, that’s not what I meant,” Maks insisted, still baring his way. “It wasn’t an accusation, I’m just… I’m just really scared for you, ok?” he confessed with a bit of reluctance. ‘And of you’ he added in his mind with even more of it. Aleks froze after hearing these words. Maks tried to catch his gaze, but he kept his eyes dutifully averted. Maks saw him swallowing heavily.

“Why?” he asked stonily. “I just don’t understand. We barely know each other.” It sounded cold, but Maks knew it was all an act.

“I don’t know,” he admitted simply. That’s what it all came down to after all. They barely knew each other. Maks had no sensible reason to devote so much thoughts and nerves to him, but he was still doing it. He would like to know why himself. “I just…” he started, but immediately broke off, cause Aleks had to choose that exact moment to look up.

He was close. A few more centimeters and he would be as close as he was in the dream. Maks’s fingers were still tightened around his wrist, he loosened his grip a little, but didn’t let go completely. He was just staring at him, wondering if he was actually considering doing what he thought he was considering doing.

He couldn’t dig himself even deeper only because he had a dream and weird feelings he couldn’t even explain. There was a person out there that he promised something and he must have had a reason. He must have. Standing here and wondering what would have happened if he kissed him was leading nowhere. He could do that, sure. But he could also be smart about it, label it as a weird, short fixation and leave it at that, cause if he walks in, he knew walking out would be a hardship.

He was still frozen and gaping, and knew he probably looked completely dumb. Aleks was staring too, kind of anxiously. Maks twitched and dropped his gaze in the exact moment when Aleks decided to wet his lips, he saw the tip of his tongue for a split second and felt his mouth going dry. That was when he almost lost and did it. He couldn’t stop picturing himself doing it.

Fuck, he was kind of engaged. Sure, it wasn’t working out the best lately, but still. How could that possibly go? Would he kiss Aleks once and that would be it? He doubted it. Would he sleep with him and call it quits? Yeah, not very likely either. He would either keep doing it until everything around him falls apart, or try once from morbid curiosity and weird himself and Aleks and everything out, and then run as fast as he could. Both of these outcomes were horrible. So the question was, will the world end if he kisses Aleks? Yeah, probably. Will the world end if he doesn’t kiss Aleks? Absolutely not, everything, including him, will go on as usual. Well, you can stop all this fucking drama, cause here’s your answer.

He blinked, breaking the eye contact. When he looked back, Aleks seemed a little sheepish.

“I’m sorry. For that tantrum, I’m just a little…” he said casually, apparently deciding to pretend that they didn’t just almost started to make out in the middle of the hallway. Maks was fine with that. He liked to pretend that things didn’t exist so he didn’t have to deal with them.

“No, don’t be, it’s fine,” he assured him quickly, pretty self-conscious himself. “I just worry that you always get yourself into some dangerous shit, when we’ve met you were already in the dangerous shit and now I never know if you…” he started chaotically, making Aleks smile a little.

“I know,” he cut him off with amusement. “And I can guarantee that things are under control now. No more danger, promise,” he said calmly, lying straight into his face. Maks bought it because he wanted it to be the truth.

“So... you're coming in or what?” he asked with a crooked smile. Aleks sighed, but started to take off his jacket.

“I've told you I can't stay for long,” he reminded him, following Maks to the living room.

“Ok, just for a few minutes,” he agreed easily. Aleks fell onto his couch, deflating. He felt the remains of the tension from yesterday's meeting, that stayed with him throughout the day, finally start to drain from his body. He was at Maks's, so everything was ok. It was almost as if he didn't agree to everything he agreed to last night.

“I've made tuna salad, you want some?” Maks asked from the kitchen door. Aleks only had time to open his mouth before he added. “It doesn't have any mayo in it, I've used Dijon mustard instead.” He knew Aleks hated mayo in any form. He was judging him a little for it. There had to be something wrong with someone who didn't enjoy mayo. Aleks blinked, oddly touched. Maks snorted at his surprise. “What? We haven't met yesterday.”

“No, we've met ten days ago,” Aleks corrected him reflectively. That gave Maks a pause. Fuck, they've known each other for ten days. Ten days was like... nothing. What was ten days against the whole life? Against the eternity? Nothing, just a drop in the ocean. Ten days wasn't enough to change a person, to change the way they were.

Aleks was watching him lazily when he was putting the salad on a plate, noticing that he was deep in thoughts. He was wondering what was happening in his head. That moment in the hallway was... intense. He could almost still feel Maks's hand where it tightened on his wrist and his piercing gaze. He couldn't move, he could barely breathe. He was afraid to close his eyes, so he was just stuck, staring at Maks and waiting for him to do something. Cause the first move belonged to him and Aleks had no doubts that in that moment they were thinking along the same lines. Maks was thinking of leaning in and connecting their lips and he was thinking of stretching his neck and doing the same and it almost happened. It was so fucking close, but then Maks hesitated and it all just died. The spell was broken, the moment was gone and there was no going back to it. All he had left to do was waiting for another chance. Unless Maks has deeply analyzed it and consciously given up. But no, he didn't look clear-headed enough to analyze anything.

Fuck, he wanted to kiss him so badly. He practically couldn't think of anything else, there was no Wincent and no Ewelina, he just wanted it to happen, cause it felt as if they were brushing against it all the time, constantly on the edge and if it won't happen soon, this tension was going to kill them off. At least it will kill Aleks, cause he wasn't sure how much more patience he had left. If it keeps on like that, they're going to end up as the most tragic love story never told. That would be a fucking shame.

He really didn't seem to be able to think of anything else, and he knew he should. No matter how much he would like to stay here and make out with Maks, he couldn't, in barely an hour he was supposed to meet Wincent and... go do things. So it's probably better that Maks has hesitated. Aleks didn't think he would be able to leave if he hasn't.

He accepted the plate and started to nibble at his salad.

“Oh, no, you need to eat all of it. Actually, you should eat even more. Otherwise it's going to waste,” Maks scorned him. Aleks raised his eyebrows.

“Then why have you made so much tuna salad?” he asked, baffled. Maks shrugged.

“I've had tuna.” That was all the answer he offered. Aleks barked a laugh and dug in with more enthusiasm. “I've checked out your song,” Maks said out of the blue. Aleks looked up curiously.

“Yeah? Which one?” he asked with his mouth full.

“The one you've sent me,” Maks said as if it should be obvious. Aleks rolled his eyes.

“There were others, genius, you just had to click 'next'” he mocked. Maks wisely kept quiet. Yes, he knew and he did. He clicked 'next' through all of them multiple times. He didn't know why he kept it from him, maybe he didn't want to seem overeager? “It was good,” he added pathetically. It was actually kind of life-changing, but maybe that was just because these were Aleks's deepest thoughts, a key to his inner life.

“This is too,” Aleks quipped, pointing to a salad a little shyly, but with a bright smile. Maks flushed, feeling stupid and avoiding his eyes.

“Why Buy Tacos though?” he asked the question that was bothering him since he first clicked the link. He didn't have even one plausible theory. “It's like your artistic pseudonym, isn't it? What does it mean?”

“It's from Charles Bukowski,” Aleks said, again not waiting until he swallows. He did and continued. “He said that poetry is what happens when nothing else can.” Maks blinked uncomprehendingly. Sure, ok, he was far from uncultured and knew Charles Bukowski, but he still didn't know what it had to do with tacos. He stared at Aleks expectantly. “He also said that great art is horseshit and we should buy tacos instead,” Aleks took pity on him. Maks turned it over in his head a few times, then started to laugh. Aleks grinned cheekily. “Just because I'm a raper and friends with petty criminals doesn't mean that I'm illiterate,” he said patronizingly. “I do go to school, you know? I read.” Maks felt a little embarrassed that he had to point it out.

“You take it pretty seriously, aren't you?” he asked suddenly. Seeing Aleks's mystified expression, he went to explain. “School. I remember when you were studying while you've been staying here. You seemed into it.” Aleks was thoughtful for a moment.

“I never used to. Give a shit about school, I mean. It's just this year it started to feel as if time is running out or something. So I'm kind of a late bloomer when it comes to that, but if I want to have any chance to get into college... I mean, I think I've got Polish, English and math covered, but I wanna take biology too and it's been a bit of a nightmare...”

“What do you need biology for? What do you want to study?” Maks asked curiously, sitting next to him on a couch when he put his plate down. Aleks pondered his question for a bit, feeling himself ultimately relaxing. That's exactly how he wanted it, just the two of them lazing on the couch, talking about future plans. Like there was no outside world behind these walls. That's what he needed and he wouldn't mind spending a few more days with Maks like that. Or a few more weeks.

To be honest, he could spend his whole life with Maks like that and it would be fine too.

“Psychology,” he admitted at least, smiling a little and averting his eyes. Maks couldn't hide his amusement.

“Is that so? You're gonna be a shrink?” he snickered, remembering the first conversation they've had, right in this very room. Aleks shrugged vaguely.

“Yeah, I don't know,” he mumbled, playing it down, like it was some noncommittal idea, not his plan for life.

“Hey, at least it's legal,” Maks remarked reassuringly. Aleks bit his lip. Now wasn't that like a bucket of ice water? He still grinned half-heartedly.

“Don't worry, I'll find a way to combine it,” he quipped with amusement. Too much amusement. Maks felt a little concerned and really hoped that he was kidding.

“Psychology and crime?” he asked doubtfully, not seeing it.

“Sure. There's always room for crime, no matter the profession. You could use some embezzlement at yours,” he said like a smart ass he was.

“Let me start actually working first before you turn me into full white collar criminal,” Maks drawled dryly, then reconsidered. “Though maybe it wouldn't be so boring then.” Aleks gave him a curious look.

“So why do you do it?” he asked, wrinkling his nose. “Was it your dream? I didn't know anyone actually dreams of being an accountant,” he said callously.

“Financial advisor,” Maks corrected him mechanically. “And no, not really. I've always wanted to be an actor,” he blurted. It felt weird, cause he didn't actively tell anyone about it in a long time. No one ever asked. Aleks didn't laugh, though Maks kind of expected it, he just gave him a closer look.

“You would be good at it,” he judged. “You have a very expressive face. And a great voice. Radio voice.” He sounded mostly neutral, but not completely matter-of-factly. It wasn’t just that his voice was objectively good, it was that Aleks liked it. Maks felt his body tingling pleasantly. Then he frowned, cause thinking about theatre always made him feel bitter and dumb. It was such a silly pipe dream it was pathetic that some part of him was still serious about it. “It's not stupid,” Aleks said suddenly, apparently reading his mind. “I've always wanted to make music. I still do,” he shrugged without a trace of self-consciousness. “I'm not going to give it up just because everyone keeps telling me that it'll never happen.” Great, now Maks was additionally ashamed of being a quitter.

“Assuming that rap is music?” he teased to divert attention from his uneasiness. Aleks frowned at first, but then snorted and shook his head.

“Dick,” he muttered. “Yes, assuming that, because it is. But everyone wants me to go to college...”

“You can do both,” Maks cut him off reasonably. “It's smart having a backup plan. And it's always good to have a piece of paper. Although...” he hesitated.

“What? You don't recommend it?” Aleks asked with a crooked smile. Maks shrugged.

“No idea,” he sighed helplessly. “I've given five years of my life to something that I don't even like and I'm still not sure what I'm going to do. College didn't clear anything up.” Aleks was staring at him with deliberation for a long moment.

“You should go back to school and take dramatic arts,” he decided without a trace of doubt. Maks laughed half-heartedly. If that was only so easy.

“Yeah, it's more likely that I'll end up in therapy. Will you take me as your patient when you're a shrink?” he snorted. Aleks wrinkled his nose.

“I don't think that would be very professional, considering the personal bond and emotional dependency between us” he assessed with fake expertise. “I’d probably be too biased to evaluate you,” he added in more serious tone. Maks had to concede, cause sometimes it felt that everything was too personal when it came to the two of them.

“Well, we don't have to worry about the lack of professionalism now,” he said quietly, knowing that he was kind of flirting and not caring. Aleks was visibly uncertain, but eventually decided to play.

“Tell me about your problem then,” he whispered. For a moment they've both been silent, staring at each other intently. Maks almost felt himself losing it again. The air was so heavy and stuffed with all that wasn't being said out loud, cause he knew now that he had feelings for Aleks, and Aleks knew that he knew, and all that knowledge was swirling around them. He was thrown out by what almost happened before in the hallway and what was still almost happening. He had to get a grip. Fast.

“I've seen Ewelina,” he blurted. He wasn't sure why he mentioned her, maybe because his guilt was starting to fade and he kind of needed it back. He didn't even know whether he meant that he's seen Ewelina yesterday before he went on his search mission, or that he's seen her in his dream. Like 'Hey, I've seen Ewelina from a dream, I've made out with her right before I've made out with you from a dream. But it wasn't real, so I guess it's all right.' Fuck, thinking about her was painful when Aleks was here in all his glory.

“She's your fiancée, Maks. There's a social obligation for you to see her from time to time.” The smart ass was back, Maks at least found it awfully funny and started to shake with laughter.

“Social obligation... right,” he echoed, smiling to himself at the accuracy of it. “So... I've fulfilled my social obligation and seen her, and...” he broke off with his gaze fixed on the wall behind Aleks's shoulder.

“And?” Aleks urged him, leaning in.

“I kind of love her because I know her so well, you know?” he confessed, sounding ashamed of himself. “I know what to expect of her. It's... convenient. But it's not all there is, isn't it?” he asked hesitantly.

“I don't know, Maks,” Aleks said calmly. “Different people are looking for different things. I like to think that there's more to it.”

Contrary, Maks always thought there wasn't. And it was ok, it was enough, because there was never anything else he could possibly want. Until now. For some reason it all felt fucking monumental, life-changing just like his music. He could feel some breakthrough in the air. He wanted it gone, cause it made him think of that doubt that was stuck to the back of his head since he asked that stupid question. He was doing everything to avoid it so far, but he had to admit that it was there long before now that he was saying it out loud for the first time.

“I don't know if I want to marry her,” he whispered, as if it was some dirty little secret. Aleks had to fight hard not to smile.

“I know you don't,” he said knowingly, reaching out to put his hand on Maks's arm. Whatever he was waiting for, it didn't come.

“But I can't just let it go,” Maks added suddenly, sounding as if he was talking to himself more than to him. He really couldn't, it was hard to even picture himself leaving Ewelina right now. “We've been through so much together...”

Aleks took his hand away with a bitter taste in his mouth.

“Yeah, I get it. You've gotta do what makes you happy, right?” he tried to smile, sounding just a little bit hollow.

What the fuck did 'happy' even mean? He didn't think he's ever been happy in his life. He's been ok, sometimes even content, but what he felt for these last ten days with Aleks was the highest emotions he's remembered himself having. On the other hand... was that mood swing really the ideal people strove for? It sounded awfully exhausting in the long run. So why not stick to shitty but stable?

He rested his cheek on the back of the couch and saw Aleks doing the same. He felt kind of empty now that Aleks took his hand away, but it would be too awkward to say something about it. He let his eyes roam through Aleks's face and upper body. He was wrong in a dream, or his idea of Aleks wasn't exactly true to life. He was no kid, there was a blooming masculinity about him. And those fucking hips. Maks was craving them by now, like they were calling to him. He reached awkwardly and touched his left hip gently, light as a feather, before he let his hand fall, stop on his fingers and stay there. It was innocent enough, yet still soothing. His self-restraint was slowly evaporating. He felt the warmth spreading through his body and right then he wanted nothing else than to obey this weird, primal instinct, pull him close, cling to him and just get rid of this arousal in any manner. He could think of nothing else than Aleks's hands on him and his hips shifting against him. It was making him dizzy, as if there was a fucking stroboscope in his head and it was just turned on.

Aleks stared at their joined hands blankly. He looked up and opened his mouth, then closed it, watching through narrowed eyes as Maks was fighting an internal battle and losing. He would really love to go for it. There was no saying when he will catch Maks again as defenseless as he is right now. But he really needed to be downtown in less than thirty minutes and then go to Praga with Wincent to threaten some people into paying. So maybe rain-check. He averted his eyes, breaking the spell. Maks cleared his throat, embarrassed, quickly trying to think of something to say.

“Your brother did it, didn't he?” he blurted out of the blue, surprising them both. Aleks looked completely baffled.

“Fuck off,” he murmured when the question finally registered, scowling without any real anger. He could as well save it and confirm. Maks didn't spare even a moment on this quite monumental detail though, which spoke volumes of his current mental state. Yeah, who cares who killed when Aleks was... getting up?

“I've really got to go,” he said apologetically, kind of hopeful that Maks was finally leaving this delusion he called life, but at the same time apprehensive, cause there was no guarantee that he will be cooperating in this transition.

“Right,” Maks uttered awkwardly, following him to the hallway. He was staring dumbly when Aleks grabbed his jacket, took a step towards him, raised his fingers carefully and caressed his cheek. He was still staring dumbly when he smiled bashfully, turned around and left. The front door clicked quietly and Maks let his forehead bang against it pitifully.