A Night with no Stars - 13. Vanilla Sky

Aleks didn't want to get back to reality, even though he was half-awake already. He tried to grasp the last of his dream, but it was already gone, all that was left was a strong, piercing longing and frustration. He couldn't remember what he dreamed about, but...

“Who the fuck is Maks?”

...but apparently Maks was there. He opened his eyes abruptly and the first thing he saw was a grimace. They were lying face to face, Wincent's arm was still embracing him loosely in an almost tender way, though his expression was anything but tender.

Aleks rubbed his eyes sleepily to buy himself some time. “Maks?” he repeated, deciding that playing dumb was the best strategy. “Why? Was I talking about him in my sleep?” He forced a snicker and shook his head. “I don't know where he came from, it's this guy that...”

“Cut the shit,” Wincent barked sharply. “I remember him, we've met. He was looking for you at the National Stadium a while ago.”

“You've met...?” Aleks echoed without thinking, feeling his eyes widening. What? When? When did that happen and why he was unaware of it?

“Yeah. He seemed very concerned that you weren't answering his calls,” Wincent sneered. “You fucking him?” he asked, cutting right to the chase.

Aleks was too surprised to react at first. “What? No!” he huffed after momentarily hesitating, making sure to look affronted. “Of course n...”

“Yeah? That's why you're moaning his name in your sleep, cause you're not fucking him?” Wincent sat up, putting his huge hand on Aleks's shoulder and pressing him to the mattress. He didn't grab him very hard for his strength, but Aleks still felt a little trapped. “Look, I know you think I'm an idiot, but I'm not stupid enough to buy it.”

“I don't think you're an...” Aleks started, but broke off, deciding he wasn't going to explain himself. “Let me go,” he asked quietly.

“Just don't insult my intelligence and if you let him screw you then at least admit it...”

“Wincent... please, let me go,” Aleks repeated, trying to sound mollifying.

“Shut up,” Wincent hissed.

Aleks was so startled that he reflexively listened, because he'd never before told him to shut up.

“I have should fucking seen this coming, that as soon as some pretty boy shows up you will be after him in a heartbeat, I don't know why I've even...”

“Wincent, it hurts,” Aleks whispered in a strangled voice, more panicked with every second, because his hand had moved a few inches and now was resting on his neck. Aleks swallowed loudly.

“...thought that you might be different, you're just as whorish as everybody else and you will always be looking for some better catch...” he growled, looking close to losing it.

Aleks grabbed his hand with both of his, futilely trying to pull it away from his throat. He couldn't remember when was the last time he felt so physically weak.

“What? You don't like it, baby?” he taunted, squinting his eyes furiously.

He loosened his grip a little when he heard Aleks spluttering. It was reassuring that he still had some self-control and wasn't planning on doing any real harm. Aleks inhaled desperately.

“What is it? You don't seem to mind when you're choking on my dick. You probably don't mind choking on his either. And now you're suddenly not into it? What's that about?” he scoffed and to Aleks relief removed his hand from the crucial point on his neck. He put it on his face this time, so small in comparison that he managed to cup both his cheeks. “You've said you like it like that.”

“Could you calm the fuck down...” Aleks rasped out.

“Since when you don't want to get fucked, huh?” Wincent panted. “I don't mind if he was there too, I'm sure there's room for everybody.” His eyes were just as wild as Aleks's heartbeat.

“Please, calm down... fuck, Olgierd,” Aleks muttered, hating himself for being actually scared. “Olgierd!” he finally snapped. As he expected, both the tone of his voice and the use of his real name sobered Wincent up. For a moment he looked not entirely lucid and frowned visibly, because everyone knew that Olgierd Wincenciak hated his first name. No one really blamed him for that, who would want to be named Olgierd after all? When Aleks heard it for the first time he burst into laughter so loud that everyone around turned to stare at them and Wincent just sat there, glaring and sulking like a giant toddler. “Cool it off,” he ordered firmly, then looked up and saw the exact moment when what he'd done dawned on him. Wincent moved away very slowly, fixing his horrified, stunned gaze on Aleks, who sat up as soon as he got out from under his weight. He pulled his knees to his chest, embracing them with his arms and looking at him distrustfully.

Wincent opened his mouth, then closed it, looking dumbstruck. “God, I'm sorry,” he uttered finally, backing off completely, as if that could make up for what happened before. “I'm sorry, I...”

“It's fine,” Aleks cut him off, even though he hadn't fully regained his composure yet and his voice was shaking a bit. He said it more out of habit than with any conviction, because it was actually far from fine, but he couldn't bring himself to show any weakness. If Wincent believed that even for a second Aleks was truly afraid of him, he would want to curl up and die. It suddenly occurred to him that maybe it wasn't all fun and games anymore, maybe there was some risk limit he shouldn't cross. Maybe getting into an emotional relationship with a possessive control freak twice his size, who was keeping at least two guns in the room they were currently occupying and even though Aleks couldn't know for sure, both his words and others' indicated that getting rid of someone standing in his way wasn't a problem for him... that sounded like crossing a risk limit.

He relaxed a bit, because after all it was just Wincent and not anything to be scared of. He looked up, knowing he needed to tread carefully.

“Baby, I'm so sorry, I wasn't intending to...” Wincent had apparently fallen into some apologetic trance. Aleks wanted to roll his eyes. “I've told you it's fine, so chill out,” he muttered, embarrassed and averting his eyes.

“It wouldn't fucking happen if you'd just told me...” Wincent started, sounding torn.

“No, I didn't have sex with him,” Aleks informed him, scowling and staring at his feet. Before he would have said they did, but for the sake of this conversation he could decide that there was no sex. Because in a manner of speaking there wasn't and he could keep telling himself that at least he didn't let Maks fuck him like some...

“I'm sorry for what I said,” Wincent grumbled like he was reading his mind, looking ashamed.

Aleks shrugged, trying to appear like he didn't care and not fooling anybody.

“I don't really think that you're like that. I was just pissed cause I thought you've...”

“There's nothing between me and him, ok?” Aleks snapped suddenly, hating that he had to explain himself and hating how true his words were. He pressed his lips. “But even if there was,” he added, because they needed to clear some things up. “I don't see how it would be any of your business. We're not a couple or anything. We've never talked about being exclusive. So I don't understand why would you...”

“We could be though,” Wincent protested quietly.

His serious tone and expectant gaze made Aleks frown. “We could what? Be a couple?” he asked doubtfully. “You know we would have to do a lot of hand holding. Also, if that was the case, I would expect a car for the anniversary,” he quipped, trying to turn it all into a joke.

Wincent didn't even smile, he just sighed. “Look, you know no one must find out, don't you?” he said almost apologetically, like he was trying to probe a bit to see if that was what Aleks wanted.

“I don't want anyone to know,” he assured him immediately. He couldn't even picture being out with Wincent and the fact that no one around them would be ok with that wasn't even the main problem. It would just be fucking awkward. It was concerning that Wincent was even considering it.

Aleks had never seriously thought about coming out. Those who were supposed to know already knew, and the rest could go fuck themselves. He'd always known he was gay, but from the practical standpoint he didn't consider flaunting it for the world to see very lucrative. People didn't want to know that he was having sex with men. No one wanted to know that him and Wincent were having sex with each other, that knowledge wouldn't do people any good, at most it would shatter their view of reality. Letting people know would be pointless. Well, unless he had someone who would be more like a partner. Like a life partner, then maybe. Maybe if Maks told him that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with him, Aleks would be so excited he'd want to share that fact with the world. But him and Wincent were not life partner material. They were just two friends who were attracted to each other, had sex and decided it was good enough to do it again. But he was worried that Wincent saw it quite differently.

Luckily he looked relieved after hearing Aleks's answer. “Ok. That's good. But you know...” he started, then broke off again. Aleks felt himself getting impatient, because if he had something to say he should just spit it out. But apparently whatever it was, Wincent decided against verbalizing it and just added: “I'm sorry I lashed out at you like that.”

Pressing the subject of their possible relationship was the last thing Aleks wanted, so he breathed a little easier after that. “Yeah, don't worry about it,” he mumbled, giving up the defensive stance and falling back on the bed. Wincent laid next to him and started to casually play with his hair. They'd both been a little embarrassed by the turn the conversation had taken, because please, they weren't a pair of fags to talk about their feelings. Aleks was actually surprised that Wincent decided to reveal any feelings at all, even if it was just jealousy. In Wincent's language he might as well declare his love for him. It was a good thing that he didn't because Aleks wouldn't be able to keep a straight face.

There was now a lot of schmaltz in the air and they needed to get rid of it quickly, so of course the fastest way to do that was sex. Sex was much less tricky and confusing than words. It was easier to express things with it, because the message was also simpler, it all came down to 'I want you, right here and right now, no matter what was yesterday, no matter what's going to be tomorrow'. No planning, no overthinking, no making up a justification for it.

But today even sex had got stripped of its transparency. Wincent was always kind of crude in bed. Very horny and very crude, there was no needless sentimentality about it. It bothered Aleks a little back when he was still pining for him, but now it suited him just fine. Today Wincent's touches were slightly different, almost tender, as if he was trying to prove something and mark his territory. It was detectable in the way he gripped Aleks's ankles, yanked him closer in one quick move and spread his thighs. It indicated that Wincent thought he could do anything he wanted to him. Aleks felt a shiver going down his spine. There was nothing hotter than that, he loved this feeling and was always looking for big and strong men that could manhandle him a little. He leaned into the pillows, looked up and smiled dreamily. Wincent just smirked in response, sparing with expressing his feelings but at the same time obviously smug. And that was enough, no words were necessary.

Aleks wondered sometimes that Maks didn't really meet any criteria of his perfect man. Sure, he was hot, but a little skittish, you needed to wind him up a bit first to draw him out. Once he got bold enough it was definitely good, very passionate. Maybe a bit more doting than Aleks was used to, though nothing to complain about. But he not only wasn't inherently commanding, he might actually be considered iffy, so Aleks really couldn't figure out why he got so hooked on him in the first place. It was all based on that vague spark he couldn't even describe.

He was such an asshole, thinking of Maks while doing it with Wincnet. He thought he was decent enough not to picture him in Wincent's place, but it turned out he wasn't. There wasn't one iota of decency in him. But maybe he shouldn't feel bad about it. Screw Wincent for thinking he had any right to do this. He might fuck him like he owned him, but it didn't make Aleks belong to him. Aleks didn't belong to anyone. But a while later, when he was lying spread out on his back, staring and the ceiling and watching from the corner of his eye as Wincent took off the condom, he thought that maybe he'd already let that happen without even realizing. The word 'relationship' was hanging in the air and some part of Aleks wanted to flee, but his only alternative right now was Maks who didn't want anything to do with him, and he didn't want to end up alone. Being alone sucked.

He smiled casually when Wincent got back to bed.

“About this... Maks,” he started, scowling at the mere sound of his name. “I believe you if you say that nothing is happening, but you should probably know that Partyka is keeping an eye on him.”

Aleks thought he misheard at first. “Who? Maks?” he asked dumbly, as if Wincent could mean anybody else. He started to make a quick survey of every encounter between him and Maks. Could they have seen anything they weren't supposed to? Were they watching Maks's place? Fuck, did they see when he left there yesterday morning practically in tears? If so then Partyka must have thought he hired a real winner.

Fuck, what could they possibly want from Maks? He'd got literally nothing to do with them.

“Why?” he uttered at least, bringing all of these questions into one.

Wincent shrugged. “He likes to keep an eye on everyone. He hates being surprised. And look, I know he was probably very charming when he was talking to you, but he's not stupid. He doesn't trust you. And he's going to check you inside and out before he does. You and everyone connected to you in any way.”

“But...” Aleks hesitated, trying to wrap his mind around what he's just heard. “Come on, it's not like they're going to find anything on Maks. He's a kind of guy who's never even got a parking ticket...”

“No one would care if he got a parking ticket.” Wincent rolled his eyes. “But the fact that his old man is a director of Supervising Controls Department has been raising some concerns.”

Aleks blinked. “He's what?”

“He's a director of Supervising Controls Department, that's a bunch in the Ministry of Finance that handles...” Wincent explained slowly.

“I know what it is,” Aleks bridled, even though he didn't have a clue. He noted to himself to google it later. Fuck, and on top of everything else his dad was working for the government? How did Maks not report him at the first opportunity?

“So. It's not really a big deal, but it's not ideal either. You do what you want, but seriously, Aleks... that dude can't know anything about what we're doing, he's high-risk,” he emphasized sternly.

Aleks barely kept from gulping. It was a little late for that. Oops.

“Just be discreet. The other way around too,” he added quietly with a significant glance.

Aleks knew what he was trying to say. That if he was screwing around with Maks after all, to not let anyone find out about it, because it would mean that Wincent brought a fag into the circle. Aleks couldn't be mad at him even if he wanted to. He had good reasons to want to avoid any suspicion.

“Don't worry, no one's gonna find out anything. I wouldn't let that happen,” he assured him.

Wincent looked relieved that he didn't have to say it out loud.

“And I'm not gonna tell Maks shit. Discretion is my middle name,” he added confidently. Few things were further from the truth.

After a while Wincent left Aleks alone with his thoughts to go and make some coffee. Maks was becoming an inconvenience. Maybe it was the universe trying to tell him that pursuing it was a mistake. Their whole acquaintance was completely random and whimsical after all. Maks belonged to a completely different world and Aleks... Aleks got himself into something that now required him to be overly wary. Maybe that was the limit he was looking for. There was no room for more risks.

His phone pinged, snapping him out of his thoughts. He reached to the nightstand.

8:18 am. From: Maks. I hope you're not mad about yesterday. I was just trying to be honest with you. I should never have started anything. I was messed up, but that's no excuse. But you're still very important to me and I wouldn't want us to lose touch or something. I know I screwed up, but maybe there's still a way for us to unscrew it and stay friends?

He was so cute. And so fucking naive. Did he really believe that they were able to just hang out without falling into bed together first chance they were alone and Maks had more than one per mil in his blood? Aleks highly doubted it.

That was one of the biggest tests of wills he had. He really wanted to say 'yes'. It would be so easy to say 'yes' and then go to him to see what happens next. To just wait for another opportunity, because he was pretty sure it would come sooner rather than later.

But it was also a risk limit. If he drew Maks into any trouble that would be shitty enough, but if anything got out through Maks, Aleks knew he would be a dead man. He wasn't sure if he trusted them both that much.

It was time to be a big boy and not choose the dumber, more risky way only because that was what his heart was telling him. From now on he was going to be cautious. He wouldn't be looking for validation in other people's eyes. Or their beds. He would do what he had to do. He wouldn't need Wincent to hold his hand. He would stop pining for the guy he barely knew. He would show Partyka that he wasn't some stupid kid who needed babysitting. And he wouldn't belong to anyone. He would prove that his judgment could be trusted and that he was capable of making smart decisions all by himself.

8:36 am. To: Maks. It's not a good idea.

***

Maks held his phone with numb fingers. He put it very slowly back on the table and rubbed his eyes. No, of course it wasn't. He already knew that, he was just kidding himself and trying to grab some last, nonexistent chance to keep him somehow , even though he knew it would be a mistake.

He'd got a feeling that it was the end of his adventure named Aleks. He was kind of resigned to it. It sounded awful, but maybe he'd already got the jolt he needed from Aleks and now he could move on with his life. Because that's what Aleks was, an adventure. And now he was gonna stay his secret. Maybe he would mention him someday, smiling enigmatically to himself. Or maybe he would eventually tell someone. He would say 'I know I seem like such a regular guy, but did you know that once I fell head over heels for a guy? And then I got over it.' Well, he hadn't got over it, but he will .

He kind of did fall for him. It was no grand love. It was just a infatuation that burned very brightly while it lasted. Little... finished... infatuation.

Fuck, Aleks was much more strong-willed than him. He could end it when Maks couldn't. It was a good thing. One of them had to know when to call it quits and Aleks did. It was good.

If it was so good then why was the mere thought of never seeing him again filling him with despair that felt close to blowing up his skull?

He couldn't let himself think that way. Aleks had made the decision. It was his decision to make and he made it. Maks would have to be a real son of a bitch to not respect it. Even a bigger one than he was so far.

He heard the quiet knock and turned abruptly. He couldn't help this first unruly thought that Aleks might have changed his mind. He wasn't sure what it would mean for them if he did, but his heartbeat still increased when he went on cotton wool legs to the hallway. He opened the door and blinked. His heart didn't settle even though it wasn't him.

“Hi,” she said under her breath, staring at her shoes.

He gaped at her for a long moment, nonplussed.

“Can I come in?” she asked hesitantly.

Maks wasn't sure how to react at first, but eventually some recognition of all the time they'd spent together won. It was... his girl after all. From the very beginning. So what that she was a bitch? He was a dick. “I guess you can,” he muttered, moving away to let her in.

She looked nervous, her gaze wandered between him and the floor, visibly not fixing on anything for too long.

Maks leaned against the door, crossing his arms and looking at her expectantly. He wasn't going to speak up first.

Finally she gathered herself. There was so much misery in her eyes that he almost felt bad for her. “You weren't answering your phone,” she remarked in a hollow voice.

Maks raised his eyebrows. “And that surprises you?” he sneered.

“Not really, no,” she said instantly, then dropped her eyes again. “I know you heard our conversation...”

“Oh yeah, I heard your conversation,” Maks confirmed harshly. He wasn't proud of it, but he wanted her to suffer. “So let's talk about that.”

She looked uncertain, like she wasn't sure where to begin. “Maks, I never wanted it to happen...” she started eventually.

Maks broke her off. “But you did let it happen.” He made sure that his voice stayed calm and steady. It wouldn't do him any good to lose control now.

She gulped loudly. “I know,” she admitted quietly. “And I know that I've fucked up everything between us. And I... don't have an excuse.”

Maks was glad that at least she was aware of it.

“But listen... it was just a moment. I lost my mind for a moment and then I thought better of it, because... it just happens sometimes that you feel something. For someone else. For a moment. And then I asked myself what the fuck was I even doing, because I had you already and why would I even... but you know. You weren't there. Back then. And I...”

“That's your explanation? That I wasn't there?” Maks raised his eyebrows skeptically. “You know that I managed not to sleep with anyone while I was in England and you weren't there either.”

“I know,” she said humbly. There were tears in her eyes. “I know you're not that kind of guy. That you would never do something like that. I thought I wasn't that kind of girl either, but... it happened and... and I found out that I was a much more shitty person than I thought,” she said bitterly.

Maks felt his face softening. Yeah, he was exactly that kind of guy. He was no better than her. He had thought about it frequently and once cheated on her for real. And he knew what she was talking about. He felt something for Aleks too, after all. He still felt something for him. They did it to each other, only she didn't know that. He suddenly felt guilty that she thought she was the only one to blame.

“Well, why didn't you just tell me?” he asked, surprising himself with his slightly warmer tone. He knew he could shove his warmer tone up his ass, because the mere fact he was detestable enough to ask that question proved that he was an awful human being. Here he was, playing a saint disappointed in her for not coming clean, while he'd never told her about Aleks and knew that he never would.

She bit her lip. “Why do you think?” she barked defiantly, managing to look ashamed, pathetic and helpless at the same time. “I was scared. That I'd tell you and we would be over. That you wouldn't forgive me. And that I'd... lose you. But I really...” she faltered, trying to keep from crying.

Maks felt most of his anger draining out of his body.

“I love you, Maks. I don't wanna be with anyone else but you. And... yeah, I had a moment of doubt. And I probably don't deserve you, I think so myself. But I wanted you eight years ago when we met and I still want you now. You know me, you must know that I wouldn't say 'yes' if I didn't truly want to be with you. I would never... lead you on or anything. So if...” she broke off and blinked to get rid of the tears from the corners of her eyes. It took her a moment to get a grip. “If you still want that too...”

“I never should have left,” he interrupted quietly, watching her thoughtfully. That was when it all started. They had drifted apart. She had met another guy. Then Maks had came back and she was different, probably because she felt guilty. He didn't feel close to her anymore, he didn't feel close to anyone or anything, that's why he clung to Aleks when he met him. He let himself feel something for someone else because he was lonely, just like she did. But they used to be fine. Before Aleks and this... Karol guy and before he left, they used to be fine. So maybe they could be fine again if there was no Aleks and no Karol, with the whole truth out in the open. Well, not the whole truth. With half of the truth out in the open. The other half was never going to see the light of day.

Ewelina sniffed. “No, you shouldn't,” she admitted ruefully. “I thought it was gonna be fine too. Two years is a long time, but I thought we could do it. But it's got... do you feel it too?” she asked anxiously. “This distance between us?”

Maks nodded silently. Of course he felt it. They were both different people than they'd been before.

“Do you think... we can go back?”

Maks opened his mouth to answer but she didn't give him a chance.

“Look, I know that I've changed. But I'm willing to do... anything... so we can be us again. I would like us to try and make room for each other in our lives. Because... I know it sounds awful, but it didn't feel like that for quite a while now. You'd left and I had to... put myself together without you. And you were so... sometimes I wasn't sure if you even still cared. But I'm gonna stop partying. And I won't work so much. I'll make sure I have time for you and for us to figure it all out. If you still want it. Because you're way more important than all of it.”

Maks swallowed heavily and spent a long moment just staring at her in silence. She wasn't leading him on, it was the other way around. She was opening her heart to him and he was still hiding, hiding his feelings, hiding his thoughts, hiding everything that was happening inside him. And he had no intention of opening up to her, but at the same time he was going to forgive her, because it was his best shot. Ewelina loved him, in her own way. He loved her, also in a way. It wasn't that wild, Aleks-kind of infatuation that was making him tremble in both excitement and awe. It was that familiar, quiet coziness he was so used to. There was no girl better for Maks for one simple reason; he was too lazy to bond with anyone new. It took time and effort. Having these years of feeling each other out already behind him was comforting.

He had no interest in any other girl and taking offense only to end up alone was pointless. He didn't have that much pride. So it was her or Aleks and Aleks wasn't an option anymore, if he ever was. When he looked at it like that, it wasn't all that hard, so he just opened his arms.

She sobbed loudly, probably from relief, took a step forward and buried herself in them. He embraced her, instantly remembering Aleks being in the exact same spot last night. Dejection filled him at the thought that yesterday he still had him at his fingertips and not only literally. Yesterday Aleks wanted him to reconsider. Today Aleks didn't think it was a good idea.

Ewelina drew away slightly to give him a tearful smile. He realized he might be getting a bit misty-eyed too and felt repulsed by himself when she leaned in tentatively, as if not sure it she was allowed to do it already, to brush his cheek and then the corner of his mouth with her lips.

“I'm so sorry,” she choked with visible effort.

“Shh, it's ok,” he muttered reflectively, pulling her back into his arms. He closed his eyes, caressing the back of her head and trying to feel something, even if it was just selfish relief that this whole madness was over and everything had gone back to normal. But there was nothing but apathy, so he thought that maybe at least...

He tightened his fingers in her hair and turned his head slightly. She gasped, surprised, but kissed him back readily. He waited for any kind of excitement to come, because her mouth was moving against his in all the right ways. She was doing fine, it was him that was wrong somehow. She broke the kiss after last soft peck and looked up, wetting her lips. She looked flushed and uncertain. Maks didn't want her to be uncertain, so he leaned back in. After a minute or so she was purring encouragingly and he still felt empty. Not only that primal desire to get closer, to possess, to press someone against any flat surface and keep them there that Aleks unlocked in him, was gone, gone was also everything else. That wasn't a good sign. He thought that while he might not be particularly happy about it, he could still put on an act. But all of a sudden nothing felt right, her smell was wrong, her frame was wrong, her hair was wrong, his brain got lost and his body refused to cooperate. For a split second he was actually terrified that it was permanent, that this was how it was going to be from now on. He started to debate frantically whether it would be worse to have to make up excuses for what was wrong with him, or to close his eyes and at least try to picture him in her place. Eventually the leftovers of his worn-out pride won and he decided on the latter, all the while unable to shake the feeling that he'd made a horrendous mistake.