The Cousin's Cousin - 2. Juanito

On arrival at Poppy’s, Craig went straight to the kitchen for a briefing with Charlie, while Justin introduced Juanita to the front of house staff. He then gave her a brief tour of the restaurant and bar then left her at a booth in the bar so he could get on with his preparations for the evening service.

After making a call, she went over to sit at the bar and struck up a conversation with Dean.

“Welcome to Australia and to Dean’s Bar.”

“Thank you, I think I’m going to like it here, everybody seems so friendly.”

“Thank you, we like visitors, especially family of friends. Can I get you a drink?”

“Does Juanito have an account here? I don’t have any Australian money.”

“Sort of, we don’t run accounts, but that’s ok. The first one’s on the house for family.”

“Thank you, you are all so generous”

“What would you like, Juanita?”

“What do Aussies drink?”

“Anything with alcohol in it”

“What...oh I see that’s a joke isn’t it. I’m catching on to your Aussie ways. You’re such jokers”

“It was sort of, but not far from the truth. So do you have a favourite drink?”

“Actually, I don’t drink at home, my mum’s a bit strict about that, but since I’m on vacation and thousands of Ks from home, I can be a bit naughty. What would you recommend?”

“Why don’t you have a look at our cocktail list. Some of the drinks are Dean’s originals.”

Juanita looked through the extensive list while Dean continued his setup procedures. When he came back for her order, she said “I like the sound of these drinks under the heading Dean’s Dirty Drinks”

“They’re all my creations, exclusive to this bar. Have you found one you like?”

“Tell me what’s a Kangaroo’s Balls?”

“That’s brown rum, bitters and garnished with two native plums.”

“Interesting , and what’s a Mardi Gras Miasma?”

“Oh I should have removed that, we can’t serve it indoors anymore, as it contains Durian juice.”

“I understand that. Oh this sounds very Australian, A Boomerang. Why is it called that?”

“It comes back and hits you in the head the next morning.”

“Oh I don’t want that to happen, so perhaps I’ll have a Troughman” ^^

“Sorry, we only serve that during Mardi Gras”

“Oh, I’ve heard of that, Juanito sent me some pictures. It looks very exciting with all those sexy men wearing...well...almost nothing”

“Mardi Gras is all about expressing yourself”

“So, if it was Mardi Gras time and I ordered a Troughman, how would you make one?”

“It’s served in a dirty glass and is made from stale beer, a dash of urine and a used condom on the side of the glass.”

“Well, as they say, the mind boggles.”

“Two of those and it will.”

Juanita then took another look at the list and asked “What does wombat mean?”

“It’s a fury Australian animal that lives underground by day and forages by night. Some say it’s a lot like the average Australian male, eats, roots and leaves”

“Is it cuddly like a Koala?”

“No, but why are you asking?”

“I like the sound of a Wombat’s Pouch. Why is the cocktail called that?”

“Because you wake up with a furry mouth the next morning”

Juanita tried one more time to choose from the cocktail list. “You know what I’d like, a drink with one of those little umbrellas in it. Maybe this one” she said “I’ve just been there”

“What’s that?”

“Could I have a Bronzed Bondi Beach Body? It sounds so sexy, must taste delicious”

“It is my take on a Margarita”

“How do you make it?”

“I start with a wide mouthed champagne glass, rub a lemon wedge around the rim and dip it in Bondi sand. Then I mix vodka, blood orange liqueur and finger lime juice and shake with crushed ice, but we don’t serve many of them”

“Why is that, don’t your customers like it?”

“Oh, they don’t get to taste it really, because the top usually comes of the shaker and it spills all over the bar”

“Maybe you should hold the lid on”

“I’m just pulling your leg”

“How can you be pulling my leg from the other side of the bar?”

“It’s just a saying that means....”

“Oh it’s that Aussie talk again, isn’t it. I thought you were flirting with me”

“No, I wasn’t doing that”

“Oh, I wouldn’t mind really, if you did. I’m hoping to meet a nice handsome sexy man while I’m here”

“Sorry about that, but I’m not available”

“Oh well, my loss is some other lucky girl’s gain. What is her name?”

“His name is Andy”

“Are all men in Australia gay? Everyone I’ve met so far is”

“No, only the handsome ones”

“You are naughty, and you are pulling my legs again aren’t you”

“Just a little, perhaps. Now have you decided on a drink yet?”

“I don’t seem to be making good choices, what would you recommend?”

“Maybe the Outback Sunrise might be a better choice for a lady.”

“The outback, I’ve heard of that, lots of sand, red dust, kangaroos and a big rock. Please tell me there’s none of those things in the drink”

“I guarantee it”

“Thank you barkeep, I’ll have your recommendation.”

When her drink arrived Juanita noticed the Kangaroo shaped stirrer and asked “Can I keep this when I finish the drink?”

“Of course, here take a few as souvenirs”

“Thank you”

“Can I ask why you and Juanito have the same name?”

“We were both named after our Grandmother, Juanita Maria Sampaguita Angel Ramirez”

“Wow, that’s quite a mouthful”

“So is this drink, but delicious, I might get through a few of these today”

“Thank you”

“Does Juanito come to this bar often?”

“From time to time, the staff gathers here for drinks. He sometimes serves drinks for us when there’s a function in the big room.”

“What sort of functions do they have?”

“Weddings, anniversaries, corporate conferences, anything really. As a matter of fact there’s a birthday party tonight.”

“Will my cousin be working tonight?”

“I think he is, but not as a waiter. He’ll be singing tonight.”

“Oh I’d like to hear him sing.”

“Then this is your chance, but you won’t recognise him when he’s all frocked up for a show.”

“Frocked up? Is that an Aussie saying?”

“It means he’ll be wearing a dress.”

“My cousin wears dresses?”

“Yes, and he’s very convincing as a woman.”

“I know he’s gay, that’s ok, but I didn’t know he was a transvestite. Is that what you call it?”

“I’m not sure. Did you not know this about him?”

“Certainly not, the family will be surprised to learn this.”

Feeling uncomfortable with what he had revealed about Juanito, Dean excused himself and busied himself with bar duties.

Over the next hour, Juanita run up quite a tab and was having difficulty balancing on the bar stool. When Dean realised and she ordered another drink, he asked, “Would you like a lemon lime and bitters this time?”

“Thank you Don” she slurred “and while you get that I think I’ll check if my cousin will be here soon.”

After her phone call she said to Dean “He’s due in about five minutes, but he wants to take me home and I’m not feeling well, so it might be a good idea to go to his home and rest.”

“You’re probably right, you seem a bit wobbly. Might be better to sit in the booth, while you wait.”

“Oh no, Juanito wants me to wait outside for him. He’s in a bit of a rush.”

“Ok, it’s been nice to meet you Juanita. Be careful now.”

She staggered off to the front door, much to the relief of Dean.

<>

Edward arrived about fifteen minutes later and when he couldn’t find Juanito in the dressing room, he went around asking after him. When he got to the bar, Dean told Edward “He’s taken his cousin home. Which is just as well, I’ve never seen a woman drink Outback Sunrises so fast.”

“Cousin? She’s not due till tomorrow.”

“Well she’s here already. Justin knows all about it. He brought her in here.”

“Why would Justin bring her?”

“I don’t know, he just left her here and asked me to keep an eye on her till Juanito showed up.”

“Thanks, I’ll go ask Justin.”

Justin explained all to Edward, who immediately called Juanito.

“I can’t talk now, I’m driving. Don’t want to get picked up by one of those mobile phone detection cameras. Bye.”

“Cheeky bugger! How dare he hang up on me.”

“Is everything all right?’ asked Justin.

“Oh...yes...sure. Thanks for helping out with the cousin.”

“No problem.”

Edward went to the dressing room and started to put on his makeup for the show. Twenty minutes later Juanito arrived in a rush. “Sorry I’m late, had stuff to do.”

“I know, but you can explain later. Wait, why have you got that makeup on? That’s not what we planned for tonight.”

“Um...oh...I was just experimenting with something new”

“I thought you were at college today”

“Stop asking so many questions and just pass me the cold cream so I can do a quick makeup removal?”

***

Juanito admitted to his party guests “You know the best part of this was, when I asked Dean what the potted plant on the end of his bar was called. He told me the name and asked why. You should have seen the look on his face when I told him I needed to replace it for him because it would probably die in a week from alcoholic poisoning after having six Outback Sunrises poured into it”.

THE END