More Than Nothing - 1. The Grind.

“Ryan. I’m so glad you’re back. How was your holiday?”

It’s clear the man doesn’t care as he frantically goes about setting up for the night. Had he known why Ryan suddenly stopped coming to work, he’d have said ‘I’m glad you’re alive’, but it’s no surprise at all that Damien couldn’t bring himself to be honest about a single damn thing.

“Hope you’ve been keeping fit.” The man throws him an apron and rushes away again, leaving Ryan to head through to the staff room. Ryan pulls off his shirt, shoving it into an empty locker before clipping on a bowtie that covers his scar perfectly. He’d not been keeping fit. In fact, he’d been neglecting himself almost entirely. But he had to get back to life, since life hadn’t ended after all. He gulps and takes a deep breath.

Back to life. This barely felt like one, but his heartbroken mother didn’t deserve to lose him, so he’s going to make the most of it and hope the world had a damn good reason for not letting him go when he’d had enough.

One last thing before starting his shift, Ryan runs his finger along the roster. As it lands on the name Damien, he feels dizzy. They’d not spoken in months. Not since the night he broke Ryan’s heart in a way that felt impossible to move on from. Hopefully tonight it’s busy enough that they won’t even cross paths. Or better still, maybe he’d not show up. He wasn’t exactly known for being reliable. The thought makes Ryan scoff to himself. The red flags had been waved in his face and he’d still let Damien poison him into thinking red was the colour of desire, not disaster.

The bar smells like regret. It’s a culmination of every type of drink into the carpet and floors until it’d soaked in and mixed with sweat, sometimes vomit, sometimes other bodily fluids that should really be saved for anywhere but the middle of a dancefloor.

For the thousandth time, Ryan is lost in thought about where he’d rather be. But he’d been inside his own house and subsequently stuck in his own head for way too long. Some mindless drink serving and fake smiling at drunk customers would do him some good. He takes his place behind the bar, looking over the service screens to find all the obscure drink orders he didn’t want to be stuck searching for in the middle of their peak. Everything is where it had been the last time he was here. Like nothing had changed.

**** 

“I seriously wanna punch him.” Blake complains as he starts the car.

Jasper buckles his seatbelt and gives a sigh as he stares down at his ID. “Who?”

“Simon. The guy acts like he’s above us. I can’t believe he’s taking Chris’s side in all of this.”

“I find it easier to just not give it an iota of thought.” Jasper shrugs, running his fingers through his freshly washed blond hair. “I'm more pissed that he's acting completely uninterested in going out for my birthday.”

"Don't worry about it. I'm gonna start pouring shots and none of it'll matter soon enough. My job is to get everyone drunk and out of the house. I don't care what the he and Luke do after that. You and I are gonna have a wicked night." Blake promises, messing up Jasper's hair.

“You and Beth gonna do it?” Blake asks.

“Do what?”

“Sex. The ultimate birthday gift.”

Jasper rolls his eyes. “Sure. Right after our spontaneous Vegas wedding I’m gonna take her to.”

“What’s the bible say about birthday blowjobs?” Blake smirks.

“I'm not sure God ever specifically said anything about birthday blowjobs,” Jasper laughs.

“Then you’re fine. Go get it.”

“But Beth has made it clear that waiting until marriage means nothing sexual. And I’m fine with that. Besides, she’s working tonight."

"She didn't take the night off for your birthday?"

"Nah." Jasper shrugs, not caring even the slightest bit, actually. He'd not even considered that Beth should take the night off and spend it with him. His only interest was in getting to enjoy the thrill of intoxication with his best friend. An uncontrollable smile crosses his face as they pull up in the parking lot of the bottle shop.

"Ready to flash your ID and get some drinks?" Blake asks, parking the car.

"So fucking ready."

****

There’s a mortifying silence that falls on the room the moment a familiar voice calls out his name.

“Ryan.” It’s said with an unusual tone, one Ryan’s not heard from Damien before, and the expression on his face is hard to read.

Ryan’s mouth is instantly dry beyond belief and he feels like he may just vomit up his heart. Something in Damien’s eyes takes him off guard. The sparkling of restrained tears. But no sooner had Ryan noticed them, Damien is quickly sniffling them back and shaking his head. He holds himself strongly and storms past the bar, down the hallway to the staff room.

And there it is. The pull to follow. To apologise for all his disappearance. To explain that he knows he should have called, but the phone number had been disconnected. That he should have visited, but he couldn’t get the weights of depression untied from his legs enough to drag himself from his bed for the last few months. That this was all his own fault, and he’s sorry. Sorry he got so hurt by Damien’s actions that he’d done the unimaginable, and it’d left him with more mental scars than he could ever recover from. The small incision on his neck is nothing compared to the hurt that pulsed through his veins and the dreams he awoke from in a startled sweat night after night.

But despite the impulse, he stays rooted to the floor, his gaze locked on the screen before him. 5 minutes until opening time. 8 hours until he’ll crawl back to bed. He’s never loved this job, but tonight he’s already begging it to be over because every second he has to be here with Damien, is another second dragged down by the ache to move on as though what broke them apart wasn't a big enough deal to stand between them.

****

"Ready to get fucked up and loose?" Blake asks, holding up his shot glass.

The sting of the alcohol runs down Jasper's throat, leaving behind a thrilling burn while the taste lingers on his tongue. It wasn't bad, especially after he takes the lemon wedge between his lips. He tosses the rind in the shot glass and throws his hands up in the air. "Woo! Let's do that again!" he grins.

It hits him incredibly fast. Even Blake looks surprised when Jasper's words start failing him, replaced by immediate laughter.

"Fucking lightweight." Blake teases, nudging him. "We better get to the clubs before you're locked out."

"I'll act sober." Jasper states, trying to control his face. He manages a stern expression for all of a second before Blake raising an eyebrow at him is enough to break him into a fit of laughter.

"Well done Jas. You're nailing it. They'll definitely let you in."

"I'm a celebrity. They'll let me in." Jasper shrugs confidently.

****

The hallway between the bar and the staff room is suffocatingly claustrophobic the moment Ryan steps out of the staffroom and finds Damien heading towards him. Damien’s eyes are fixed desperately on him as he approaches.

“Ryan.” There’s nothing new in Damien’s tone. The way he says his name has Ryan picturing all of their memories at once. Because this is how he always started. He’s about to manipulate him. He could tell that much. And all too soon, Ryan is lost to it all over again. Damien walks right up to him, throws his arms around Ryan’s neck and kisses him like nothing has changed. Ryan’s hesitance is only momentary, before his hands fall naturally to Damien’s waist, slipping his fingers into the back pockets or Damien’s short jeans.

The feeling, the taste, it’s all so familiar Ryan barely has it in him to break it, even though he knows he needs to. He knows this can’t happen again. No part of him would benefit from taking this relationship back. His mom would be horrified if she even knew they’d kissed.

“Oh my god, I’ve missed you.” Damien breathes as Ryan breaks the kiss.

“Damien, we can’t.” Ryan wishes he had the strength to push Ryan away, but he can barely pull his hands from his ex’s pants.

“Whatever I did, I’m sorry. But I don’t think I deserved to be ghosted.” Damien sighs.

“Whatever you did?” Ryan releases him at the audacity. “You don’t even know.” Ryan shakes his head and pushes him away.

“Tell me,” Damien orders.

“Ryan, get back out here!”

Ryan doesn’t say a word, turning from Damien and storming back to the bar, glad for the distraction and loud music. He pours himself a glass of soft drink to wash the taste of Damien’s lips from his mouth. Mostly, he hates how much he could miss something that ruined him so deeply. The thump of music through his chest helps mask his racing heart, and the loud voices surround him drown out the mess of thoughts in his head. He busies himself with orders to make the time pass and keeps himself from even glancing in Damien’s direction. Working here with him is going to be a nightmare.

**** 

“Imagine the headline, though!” Jasper urges as he and Blake head towards a neon pink sign that reads 'The Grind', with a not so subtle neon rainbow coloured cocktail beside it. Their band mates had turned in early. Well, early to Jasper who had lost all concept of time some hours ago. Since the group reduced to the two of them, he and Blake had decided to see how many bars they could drink at in one night. They'd not made it to many, but Jasper was 8 drinks in over the space of 6 hours and he'd not had a clear thought since before they left the apartment. Basically, the night is going pretty well to plan.

“Fuck yeah, our fans will lose their minds!” Blake laughs, wrapping his arm around Jasper’s waist affectionately. “Let’s make them think they know us.”

Stepping into the club doesn’t feel how Jasper expected. Maybe it’s the alcohol in his system, but the sight of the openly queer relationships around him makes him feel strangely more lonely than usual.

“I’ve gotta piss. I’ll be back. Don’t go running off.” Blake says.

“I’ll meet you at the bar.” Jasper shouts over the music. Blake gives him a thumbs up, and Jasper returns it before they part ways. There’s a sway in his step as he makes his way to the bar and leans against it, waiting for his turn. It takes a while for the men at the bar to get around to him.

“What can I get you?”

Jasper snaps out of his alcohol induced daze, staring at the array of bottles behind the bar, and his eyes meet the soft brown of the bartenders. His mind runs blank and instead of speaking like a normal person, Jasper simply stares.

“Maybe some water?” The man suggests, placing a glass in front of Jasper and pouring water from the bar gun.

Jasper takes the glass and sips from it, letting out a relieved moan, then holds out some money.

“Water’s free.”

“Then this is your tip. I wasn’t gonna get water, but, wow. I needed this.” Jasper grins, leaving the money on the bar and walking away.

“Whatcha drinking?” Blake asks, leaning against Jasper.

“Water. I fucking needed it.” Jasper says, swaying to the music and closing his eyes.

“Dude, water? Nah. Come on. Let's get you something real to drink.” Blake links his arm around Jasper’s, practically pulling him back to the bar.

The handsome bartender that’d served Jasper is down the other end, serving other customers, and Blake is trying to flag down another bartender.

“Ryan, can you cover for me? I haven’t had a break.” The bartender nearest Blake and Jasper calls.

The brown-eyed man looks over, and for a second, his eyes pause on Jasper. Not even thinking about how it’d look, or the bar they are in, Jasper flashes this Ryan guy a smile.

“That’s the way, seduce him over to serve us.” Blake says into Jasper’s ear.

“I’ve got it. You go.” Another staff member calls, tying his apron around his waist. Jasper catches Ryan’s eyes flick over this guy, then purposely avert, maybe even rolling his eyes as he looks away. “What can I get you?” The man smiles sweetly at Jasper and Blake. As Blake orders shots for them, Jasper’s attention goes back to Ryan just in time to see him looking away again.

After they throw back their shots. Blake nudges Jasper. “To the next bar?” he suggests.

“Already?” Jasper asks, not even sure why he’s hesitant to leave.

“That’s the point of a pub crawl, dude.”

“Let me finish my drink.” Jasper says, glancing back over towards the bar. He's not sure why he wants to stay so bad, but the thought of leaving right now makes him nervous, like he'd be leaving behind an opportunity. As people shift away from the bar while last call is being announced, Jasper finds himself once more having his gaze returned by Ryan. The bartender smiles and Jasper smiles back, before the blond bartender that'd served him and Blake before, steps into view with the bar gun, playfully squirts Ryan's chest then licks it off while some of the guys around the bar give a cheer. Jasper finishes his water and places the glass down on the nearest table.

"You good?" Blake asks.

"Yeah, it's nothing. I'm done. Let's go," Jasper says, and without even thinking, he takes Blake's hand to lead him out.